“Does He Want to Be My Friend or My FWB?”
Things were going well for almost three months, and then they came to a halt. The time between texts was almost two weeks, I suddenly felt like I’d been the one arranging all our dates, and now he had disappeared. I tried one last time, inviting him over for sex, and he stood me up with no explanation, so I wrote him off for good. He sent me a text about a week later that said he didn’t mean to avoid me. Since then, I’ve gotten random texts from him here and there, like one that asked if my power was on after a massive storm (I ignored it, as I wasn’t even in the area at the time), and one asking how I was doing and mentioning one of the common interests we shared.
I’ve been known to be a doormat in the past, and my friends think I’m desperate because I’ve never really had a boyfriend (just tons of bad dates I can laugh at now), but that’s not the case here. The question is: is he trying to be friends because we did have a lot in common and got along well? Or is he trying to weasel his way back into having sex with me? These texts occur at random intervals, and he’s not dangerous. I just think that he wasn’t ready to see anyone in any context, from casually to a real relationship. I could possibly accept being friends, as I do have several male friends and am able to respect the line between friendship and something more, but it’s the fact that his behavior went from being a really nice guy to being nonexistent that gives me pause. — Bad Luck Dater
I get questions like this a lot — almost always from women — who want to know whether a guy’s behavior indicates that he wants a friendship with her, just sex, or something more. And just like in your letter, what is almost always missing from the context is what the woman wants. Do you want a friendship with this guy? Just sex? Something more? Figure out exactly what it is you want — not what you’ll settle for or tolerate, but what you want — and then decide whether the guy’s behavior supports fostering that. Again, don’t analyze what his behavior means; decide what you want with him and whether his behavior is what you’re looking for in a friend/ boyfriend/ casual sex partner.
The reason why it’s important to pay attention only to the behavior and not what you think might be the motivation behind the behavior is because you can’t change the way a person behaves. So many women get it in their head that if a guy likes them — really, truly likes them — then with time, they can get them to behave in a way that supports a healthy relationship. Wrong! You have to START with good behavior and build from there. If a guy is already behaving with disinterest and disrespect, why would you want a friendship with him, let alone a relationship? Even if a casual sex partner is all you’re after — and I doubt that’s the case — a man who stands you up for sex is probably not the best candidate for that, you know?
In other words: MOA. Whether you want a friend, a boyfriend or a FWB, this guy’s behavior does not indicate that he will be good at any of those roles. And in the future, if you want to avoid terrible dates, then avoid men who behave terribly. It really is that simply. Unless you’re still looking for fodder for your book, in which case, carry on.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Seriously if a guy drops off the face of the earth and completely ignores you without a good explanation (say kidnapped by a cult) why would you want to be with him in the first place? I imagine that his behavior seems fairly tame in comparison to your other dates so you are willing to forgive, but honestly rudeness is not acceptable. It would have been easy for him to send you a quick “hey I am having an crisis or life/work is crazy right now and I will talk to you in (insert time frame).” Forget about him and try to find someone who is better boyfriend material.
Wendy, you are wonderful. Sometimes the simplest answers are the ones that escape me most. I really needed to hear this advice, because I’ve spent so much time spinning my wheels trying to figure out what a guy wants from me/relationship with me that I’m usually left dizzy and confused. This is a perfectly simple solution – just ask yourslf what “you” want and see if his actions follow that. Simple. Easy. Perfect. I have to say, they usually don’t, because if you have to ask yourself what he wants, he’s already made it clear, you just have to open your eyes to see it.
Thank you so much Wendy, I really needed that.
So true!
Loved Wendy’s reply! This was my favorite part: “don’t analyze what his behavior means; decide what you want with him and whether his behavior is what you’re looking for in a friend/ boyfriend/ casual sex partner.” I forget that part a lot!
Also, let’s make a new rule: if texting/texts play a feature role in the plot, move on – automatically, just go, next. I mean I can’t think of a problem relationship wherein texting/texts are heavily featured that you’d want to try to salvage. Unless you just want a casual/FWB relationship or whatnot, but in that case you probably wouldn’t write in to Wendy about it. I counted five “texts” in this letter. So, new rule, if the word “text” is used, say, 3 times or more when you’re describing the relationship issue, it means you have to automatically move on, without thinking about it. It could help fast-forward life a bit.
Your friends think you’re desperate because you’re acting desperate. I’m assuming you want this to turn into a relationship – otherwise why write in to an advice site – so I’m confused about why you would invite him over for sex. And he turned you down! Scrape your dignity off the floor, do some self-esteem building, and lay off the dating for a while. Focus on yourself. Make yourself a good candidate for a girlfriend and you will become a girlfriend. Create the life you want – and since it’s pretty obvious you want to have a relationship – stop asking for sex only!
With such folk, there is only one answer: sex. It is figuring out the question that is sometime tough.
In this case, my guess is that he was playing Jeopardy with someone(s) else during your previous encounters, but no longer.
Additionally, some individuals (you may be one) either “emit” availability or some sort of sensuality cues that even partners in committed relationships “detect” but do not pursue at the time, but do not forget. Later, should the relationship end, memories of those previous encounters re-surface and may be followed-up.
I do not denigrate anyone who “emits” like that, in either gender. (It may be an involuntary aspect of who they are!) Being in the presence of someone like that is invigorating. For some, like Marilyn Monroe, it is awe inspiring even in old black-and-white movies. Jimmy Dean and (young) Paul Newman are two other examples.
I wish there was a way to make every single person read and fully understand this:
“Figure out exactly what it is you want — not what you’ll settle for or tolerate, but what you want — and then decide whether the guy’s behavior supports fostering that. Again, don’t analyze what his behavior means; decide what you want with him and whether his behavior is what you’re looking for in a friend/ boyfriend/ casual sex partner.”
WWS.
Since you’ve never had a real relationship, I bet your self-esteem isn’t necessarily the best. I can empathize with that. I was very shy growing up. I had very strict and not the most social of parents. I can honestly say I didn’t know how to relate to my peers. As I result, I barely dated until I was in my early twenties. I didn’t have a “boyfriend” until 24. For a while, I was convinced that I was unattractive and had to really just accept what I could get. I know now that these things aren’t true. But, I accepted a lot of crap along the way.
It looks like that is what you’re doing, LW… accepting what you can get. You make a lot of little jokes in your letter. I did the same thing. Making fun of your dating life probably covers up a lot of frustration and pain. But, please keep your head up. I am not saying this guy is a bad guy. However, for whatever reason, he’s just not behaving like someone that is interested. Sure, he sends you the odd text… but there is nothing of any substance. He doesn’t appear to be pursuing ANYTHING- friendship, dating, or FWB. So… you’re going to have to let this one go.
I suggest you do try online dating. Decide what it is you want (as Wendy said) and go for it with all you’ve got. Pamper yourself and do things that make you happy. Make yourself the best and most attractive you that you can. If someone gives you the run around, move on. As cheesy as it is to say… there are PLENTY of fish in the sea. And don’t let your lack of relationship or (good) dating history get in your way. You are just as worthy as anyone else out there.
Wendy said it perfectly.
Don’t be a doormat! You may not be aware that you’re not being decisive in what you want, but it’s pretty obvious that you’re looking for more than a FWB. Sure, it’s true that when a guy wants to be your boyfriend, he will act like it–but I think you also have to act your part. And that’s where your self-esteem comes into play. Work on yourself and your confidence. It’s not just about avoiding the guys that don’t have good behavior to start with. It’s also about changing your own behavior to attract what you want.
This is going to be short.
It sucks to learn that some people will only keep you around in your life because they are bored. They know that you would easily say yes to anything do they send random texts just to keep you around till the next tinge they want to use you for something.
As I read the letter I just thought – he isn’t anything – not a friend, not a FWB, not a romantic interest – nothing except random texts. I hate to be flip but randoms texts are what I get from my cell phone carrier. It doesn’t a relationship make. Set your bar higher. Let someone live up to your expectations instead of settling for whatever they decide to dish out.
This letter hurt my head. WWS! If you read all of that out loud, it rhymes.
So, what do you want with this guy? Where you looking for a relationship? If that is what you want, well I don;t think you’ll get it. Hes already ignored you for 2 weeks and only sends you random texts messages when he is bored.
Also, is text the only way you ever communicated? Did you have an actual dates with him? Or was it just sex? Why did you invite him over for sex after he had already been ignoring you?
Ugh. I mean why does the LW even want to spend time being friends with this guy? As I get older (and I’m not that old) I realize more and more that you need to wisely choose who you spend your time with and who are your friends. I’m so busy with work, family, and my insane dachshund that I have limited time to spend with friends. I don’t like to waste that time with someone I KIND OF enjoy the company of.
Bingo. Wendy’s right. It doesn’t matter what he wants. He’s not worth your time in any capacity, so why waste time wondering about it?
May I say something extremely controversial? I suspect the reason the women who write in with this question don’t say what they want is because it’s understood. By nature, women want to be loved, cherished and to be the only one.Women do not want to have multiple sex partners–we are not wired that way. And with few exceptions (yes, there are rare exceptions), women do not really want to be friends with benefits. Sex is too emotional for us (we have something like 70% more attachment hormones than men).We’re living in a time when women want to be more like men (it makes us feel more powerful and in control), and can convince ourselves that we are, but it’s really not who we are. Ouch.
I really think that this LW needs to take time off from dating and spend time with herself, getting to know herself and what she wants. Develop other friendships and take dating off the table for a while. There’s this idea that it’s a death sentence to be single and it’s not. Work through those self-esteem issues that have been pointed out and become the most awesome person you can be – first. Then sit back and be amazed at the awesome and interesting people who will want to get to know you. And then – only then – you can date some of them. It works.
To put it bluntly: “he’s just not that into you.”
Don’t chase a guy, let a guy chase you if he’s into you. But really, in a relationship that is worth any trouble at all, there should be a mutual affection that draws you together quite naturally. It’s fine to play it cool in the beginning, but this is something else.
You need to focus on yourself and think about what you really want in life and then let the relationship thing happen naturally. If you have to force it, it’s not for you. Make that your new mantra.
WWS x1000
This might be my favorite column that Wendy’s written yet. The advice is so succinct and so universally applicable.
He stood you up for sex?!?! Enough said.
Women express their feelings in words and men do so with behavior. Also, we women want to analyze everything. There always is a reason behind a reason. We are spending so much time trying to figure out what his motivations are, or why he waited 3 days to text. Could his phone have gotten stolen, is he sick, does he really really like me but is scared to come off too intense so he calculated waiting 3 days inorder to show interest without seeming over eager. Meanwhile men are much more black and white. They actions tells you exactly how they feel about you and how they see the relationship. If he wanted to make plans with you he would have. Even if his cat died, was super busy at work etc. He would call you to tell you all those things and then set plans for when he frees up. If he wanted to text you he would have. If he was thinking of you, missed you, really liked you and wanted to hear from you/and or keep you attention with him, he would have. That’s all you need to know.
I was thinking that maybe this guy is someone I just got out of a 3-yr relationship with, and then the LW went ahead and called him Jeff. If I knew where she lived, I would be certain this is indeed my ex.
Yeah, not a good situation. Move on..
I saw some of the responses and I have to ask… Men are driven by a biological desire to “spread their seed” so even though they do want to be loved and cherished,they have a reason to pursue multiple sex partners. But why would a woman want that? What’s in it for her? To feel desired? Doesn’t it leave you just a little bit vulnerable and empty?
He’s just playing games. Trying to flex to see if he can get you on “his terms”.
He’s only slightly interested because he felt you pull away.
Don’t be fooled. He doesn’t suddenly care. He’s just not getting what he wants from whatever other girl he was stringing along back when he was double dipping, half ass dating you.
Just move on. Don’t try to be friends. It only gives a false sense of security.