Our first phone discussion lasted five hours, and we have pretty much talked every day since. If we don’t talk, we at least exchange text messages or an email. One of us visits the other every couple of weeks or so. This has been the routine for five months.
Mike is a wonderful guy. And I seem to fall for him more as time goes along. But my issue is there’s no WOW factor. I continue to compare him to a guy I met about two years ago. He also lived out of state. However, I was extremely excited about the possibility of having a future with that guy. Needless to say, nothing really panned out. We talked on the phone sporadically for a couple of weeks and that was it. We, too, share a mutual friend, so we continue to cross paths every six months or so, and anytime we are around each other he is noticeably attentive to me and has always reached out to me during the holidays, but that’s it. He has never talked to me about it, but my take is that he is not interested in the long distance aspect and/or me. I do know that he does/did not have a girlfriend.
Either way, its fine. I just wish I had the same “crush” type of feelings for my boyfriend as I did, and honestly sort of still do, for this other guy. Very early on, Mike expressed to me where he wanted this to go, and he has always been consistent. His actions reinforce his words. I have an inkling that he could be “the one,” and there is really nothing I would change about him, and, yet, I am torn by the fact that I’m not head over heels, the way I was about the other guy.
The truth is that I wish I could transfer my Mike’s pursuit and purpose to the other guy. Thoughts? — Not Head over Heels
My thought is that I don’t understand how on earth you could possibly imagine that Mike is “the one,” or could potentially be “the one,” if you wish even the tiniest bit that you could just transfer his “pursuit” of you onto the guy you have a crush on. I just have to wonder what you mean by “the one,” because surely you don’t mean “the one I’d love to grow old with” or “the one I want to father my babies” or “the one I dream about making sweet, sweet love to all the days of my life.” Maybe you mean “the one who will do for now until the crush finally realizes what a catch I am,” or “the one who holds the place of boyfriend for the time being until I find someone who makes me forget about the guy I talked on the phone with sporadically for a couple of weeks two years ago.”
But here’s the thing: Mike is probably not “the one” — at least not the kind of one you seem to imagine he might be. If he were, you would not be daydreaming about some guy you talked on the phone with a few times a couple years ago. And that would be fine if Mike weren’t already pretty open about where he sees your relationship going. You know what he wants and you know you don’t want it. At least, not with him. And maybe Mike is putting pressure on you to move things along or maybe you’re putting pressure on yourself because you know Mike’s a good guy and he likes you and you don’t want to hurt him. And when we have pressure to decide quickly whether we like-like someone — enough to say “He’s The One!,” — it can make other options — like a crush from a while back who’s maybe still single — pretty appealing.
You might want to transfer Mike’s pursuit onto your crush, but I wonder if you’d be just as satisfied if you transferred the crush’s indifference onto Mike.
But you can’t. And my suggestion is that, if you’re feeling pressured to move forward with Mike in a way that communicates to him that you’re on the same page, you should let him down easy now and MOA. You’re doing neither of you a favor by staying with someone you’re so indifferent about. After five months, if there’s not a “WOW” factor, there probably isn’t going to be one. And as long as you believe you could have that WOW with someone else, you aren’t going to be satisfied staying with Mike.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.