I recently found a text where she called me a slut and said that my three kids are retarded (my son, whom I had with my boyfriend, is autistic). I was so hurt when I discovered this text because it was there in black and white how much she hates me. At least Kelly shows me affection although for the past couple months since she moved with her mom she’s been very distant.
Anyway, Kelly invited me to her wedding. I want to go, but I’m afraid that I will be ridiculed or harassed because I was “the other woman.” And, at the same time, I want to go because I want to feel respected that my boyfriend and I are now a family and because the ex-wife needs to let it go and make peace. What should I do? — Proud and Ashamed
Were you really that surprised to learn that your boyfriend’s ex, whom he was still married to when you had an affair with him, isn’t your biggest fan? Why do you care? I doubt you were hoping to become besties with her and go shoe shopping and out to brunch, so what difference does it really make what she thinks of you? If you’re worried that her feelings about you might taint your relationship with Kelly, I’d say that you skipping Kelly’s wedding after she extended a personal invitation to you would have a much more damaging effect than anything Natalie might say about you.
Rather than make this wedding about you or about your need to be validated or prove to Natalie how you and your boyfriend are a family now, I suggest you focus on whom the event is really about: Kelly (and her spouse-to-be). If you care about her/your relationship with her and if you care about your boyfriend, you’ll suck it up and go to the wedding. If Natalie thinks her daughter’s wedding is the right time and place to harass you for some years-old affair you had with her ex-husband, be the bigger person and ignore her. She’ll only make herself look bad.
You’re very fortunate that your boyfriend’s daughter shows you affection and accepts you and likes you well enough to invite you to her wedding and to be a part of her life. Many “other women” — i.e. woman who had affairs with married men — aren’t as lucky to be accepted and loved by the children of the marriages they may have helped end. Isn’t the acceptance from the people closest to your boyfriend enough for you? Maybe it’s time for YOU to “let it go and make peace.” And you can do that by graciously accepting the wedding invitation and celebrating the daughter of the man you now call family.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.