It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
I think I am in love with my gay best friend! When we first met, I had a huge crush on him, but I didn’t pursue him because I was dating someone at the time. The longer we knew each other the stronger our friendship became. Soon I learned that my crush was gay. Since I’m now his best friend, I hear all about his relationship and let me say I cannot stand his current boyfriend for many reasons. Recently I had a dream that we kissed and did some other freak McNasty things, which rekindled the crush I had on him when we first met! Now I find myself jealous of his boyfriend (because he doesn’t deserve him). He has everything I desire in a man, but he’s gay. I don’t want to tell him how I feel and potentially ruin our friendship, but I feel like I’m going crazy I want him so bad! He once said after a REALLY bad relationship with a female that he was scared and can’t date women anymore. Please help! — A young Hopeless Romantic
Men don’t “become gay” just because of one bad relationship with a woman. You cannot turn your gay friend straight. He is not interested in you romantically and, the sooner you accept that and turn your attention to men whose sexual orientation is better matched for you, the sooner you will start “going crazy” for entirely different reasons (see below, and also every other column on this site).
My fiancé of two years broke up with me, stating he’s not happy anymore. We have been broken up for about two months, but for the last month he’s been coming around daily — basically after work, he’s here for dinner, spends the night, and then goes to work from here. We have great sex and it’s gotten even better since we broke up. I want my relationship back though. What I don’t understand is, if he didn’t want the relationship, why is he still hanging around me? I’m still the same person. I’m confused but my heart has healed thanks to him being around and not totally saying to hell with me. He really doesn’t know how to express himself or doesn’t want to, and I need answers. — Looking for Answers
He doesn’t want a commitment. He wants his freedom while still getting a free meal, literally, plus apparently awesome sex. Why would he walk away from that if you’re enabling him to have his cake and eat it too? If you’re happy with the situation, enjoy it for what it is, but don’t expect this man to commit to you, be faithful to you, or plan a future with you — not as long as you’re sending the message that he doesn’t have to.
I am 21 and my boyfriend is 28. We have been dating on and off for five years, and we have been living together for three years. Although he has cheated on me in the past, the last two years he has remained faithful. Recently, he has started dropping hints about getting married, and I’m just not sure. I have lost interest in being intimate with him, but I don’t want to leave him as we have so much history together — he helped me through the death of my mother and I helped him through the death of his father, and every time we have separated in the past we have always found a way back to each other. I have suggested just being together, but he wants to get married. How do I get over this hurdle? — No Thanks on Marriage
Having a strong history isn’t enough reason to stay with someone — especially someone you aren’t interested in being intimate with anymore. It’s actually unkind to stay with him if you are no longer in love with him and only stay with him because it’s comfortable and it’s all you know. You’re 21 — it’s time to spread your wings and fly. You can’t do that if you continue staying with someone you feel no passion for.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at email@example.com.