Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Hi! Happy June. It feels like summer here, even though my kids still have four more weeks of school (NYC public schools go later than anywhere else in the country. We start late, too, and then we have all the major holidays of five different religions off, which stretches the school year to the very end of June). Anyway, we’re heading to Montreal as soon as school in out in a few weeks, so if you have any tips, let me know. What about you? Any travel plans this summer? Or summer bucket list plans?

Hope you have a great weekend, and here are a few links you might appreciate, including how to make friends, and what beige flags in dating mean.

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I have been seeing my boyfriend for about a year now but have known him for about two years. When we met each other, both he and I were in a similar situation. He had emotionally, mentally, and physically checked out of his twenty-something year marriage and I had checked out of my seven-year relationship. He finally moved out of his ex’s home and now lives with his adult children (youngest is 18) – three girls and one boy. He has been in the process of divorce but nothing has been official yet. My concern is that I have already introduced him to my family and friends, especially all my kids ranging from ages 5 months to 15 years (5 kids total) and I have yet to be introduced to his children as his girlfriend. I love this man, I feel we do have a strong connection, and I can see OUR future, but this has been an unsettling thought. I have brought this up to him as a concern of mine, but all he can tell me is he does not know how to tell his kids. Please advise. — When To Check Out

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I’ve been with my husband for three years and married to him for a year and a half. It’s been an adventure, let me tell you, and I’m ready to cut off my in-laws. I’m done dealing with them. I’m done fighting with them. I’m done trying to be accepted. I’m just done. Let me explain why.

Reason #1. My husband and I had a small courthouse wedding and invited just his parents, but his mother didn’t come. She said she wasn’t invited, even though we verbally invited her while sitting on her couch, and she said she wasn’t invited because my parents hate her. They don’t hate her – they’ve only met her once! From that point on it’s been hell. Let me tell you: HELL.

Reason #2. My husband’s mother got me high. Oh yes, first time getting high. My husband and I were fostering a 2-year-old child at the time that we all got really attached to. My MIL lives about an hour away from us and there’s a baseball stadium in her town, so I decided to invite my parents and my in-laws for a night out together with the baby. Prior to going to the game we stopped by her house to get the baby changed into some warm clothes. Well, my MIL made these delicious brownies, and I ate close to half the pan because she kept encouraging me to. She served me slice after slice. It hit me hard. So my first time getting high was at a baseball game with hundreds of people, sitting next to my parents, while caring for a 2-year-old! I was stoned for two days. My mom had to watch the baby, and my husband was a trooper taking care of me. I didn’t say anything to my MIL though. It wasn’t worth it. She knew what she did.

Reason #3. UNNECESSARY DRAMA. She will find the smallest things to start drama with me. It could do with my tone of voice, or why didn’t I stay at her place for long, or even just a stupid Facebook meme that has no meaning behind it. I don’t respond to her drama anymore. I used to, I’m guilty of fighting back, but not anymore! I’m tired. I’m done. I’ve been unhappy for the past three years trying to please my in-laws and befriend them, but they simply don’t like me. I want to be happy again, so I’m going to cut them off.

I’ve decided that I won’t answer my MIL’s calls or her texts, nor visit her or the rest of my in-laws. I’ll send hugs and kisses to them with my husband when he goes and visits. When we do have kids – the foster child we had is no longer in our care – I’ll let my husband take them to go see her because, after all, that is their grandma. My mom never kept me away from my dad’s family, and I won’t do that to my kids. Nor will I keep my husband away from his family because at the end of the day that will always be his family. He is ok with me cutting them off, and he understands where I’m coming from, which I’m extremely grateful for. These are just the consequences of marrying into that family. I knew they were snakes from when I was first introduced to them, and I was naive to believe they wouldn’t bite.

Is is wrong of me to cut them off? Or do I just keep putting up with the BS?? — Tired of the BS

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I know you have been in a successful long-distance relationship, and I’m really hoping you can help me.I have been in a long-distance relationship with a man for nine months. We live three hours apart and see each other three weekends out of the month. It has been an ideal situation, and I would like to say we are pretty happy.

We’re both 25 and have had some pretty crappy relationships, so we agreed to take things slowly. We have similar backgrounds in religion, family, and what we want out of life. Day-to-day has been great, but whenever we start to talk about the future, panic mode sets in. We talked for two months before making it official, and I was the one to say “I love you” first (which I probably shouldn’t have done, but it’s the 2000s and those old rules don’t still apply…right?).

Anyway, it always seems like I’m one step ahead of him. He was honest and said he wasn’t ready to say “I love you” back yet, and a month later he said it. We have talked about the future, kids, and what we want out of life, but I feel like we’re at a standstill. However, I was presented an opportunity for a job out by him that pays more, and the town is cheaper to live in than where I currently am. It is still an hour away from him. When I first told him about the opportunity, he said he was excited and didn’t forsee us breaking up any time soon.

However, as the interview moved closer and closer, he started to freak out. He keeps saying he “wants to be sure” (whatever that means) because he is afraid that if I move out there and we break up, I will be stuck with no one. I have tried to convince him that I would go for the job and he’s just an added bonus, but we both know deep down I wouldn’t want to be out there without him. I don’t want to pressure him, and I am heartbroken that he is so scared and unsure. I’m not looking to get engaged right away, but I want a commitment and he can’t give me one and is really bothered that he can’t.

It seems like there’s nothing I can say to comfort him or reassure him. I told him it’s normal to feel this way after not even being together a year, but he says that it’s almost been a year and he should not be feeling this way. He also says that the ultimate goal of a relationship is marriage, and if he’s unsure about that, what’s the point?

I don’t want to keep dragging this out if this isn’t going to go anywhere, but I also don’t want to throw away something because we’re rushing it. Conversely, I also don’t want to not take the job since it is $10,000 more than I’m making now, and I currently hate my job.

He has asked for some time to think. We’re still talking, but he said he needs time to “be sure” and “make sure everything is fine.” I had my interview yesterday and I’m 99% sure I’ll be offered the job. I don’t know what to do. Help? — For Love and Money

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