Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I Gave Her My Number And She Took 19 Whole Days to Text Me!”

A week before Easter I met this woman at a bar and asked for her number. She preferred I give her mine, which I did. She didn’t say goodbye when she left the bar with her girlfriend. I think she glanced back at me and that was it. To my surprise, she texted me 19 days later. Her reason for waiting so long was that she was busy because of Easter, which seems like a lame excuse to me. How busy was she? She’s not working at the moment and she’s too busy to contact someone for 19 days? And how busy can Easter be? Too busy to send a text to say hi?

We’ve talked on the phone and texted each other. I’ve called her four times and she hasn’t called me at all although she replies with texts. We’ve talked on the phone for an hour or so twice. She suggested we meet up for a coffee on a particular day, but I said I was too busy. I wasn’t really. Why should this woman get her way after taking so long to contact me? Lol.

I asked her by text what sort of man she was looking for, and then she asked me what kind of woman I was looking for, to which I replied, “someone easy-going, independent, and I don’t mean this as suggestive but someone sexy who’s a good kisser.” She replied, “Too much information. Lol.”

Later on she revealed that my text came across as sleazy. I explained to her that my comments were just tongue-in-cheek, and she said, “It’s all good.”

I also asked whether she was petite (because she was sitting down for most of the night when I met her). She said that’s something you never ask a woman but, “It’s all good.”

Is she being oversensitive?

On another occasion, I sent her a text saying, “Because you took 19 days to contact me, that is not a strong sign of interest; otherwise, you would have contacted me within three to four days. Thoughts? Lol.” She came back with: “To be honest, I didn’t really know you to be able to ascertain if I had any interest. That’s the whole purpose of getting to know each other — to see if there is that connection there. You can’t really tell after one meeting.” I left it at that and asked her something else.

I never went out with her and I’ve had to apologize to her because of my comments. But she’s cool. She never got angry or anything. My comments were never intended to make her feel bad. I’m not even sure I said anything bad. Did I? Now she’s telling me we have differing views and she thinks I may be better suited to her friend. What? I stand by what I said. If she had given me her number, I would have contacted her within three days. Maybe there was a little resentment on my part that she took so long to contact me.

What’s your take on this? And is there any chance I can get her interested again (if there was any strong interest in the first place)? I’ve also seen her on Tinder. — Three Days or Else

My take on this is that you sound immature, entitled, and self-sabotaging. This woman whom you gave your number to was not obligated to text or call you at all, let alone within some arbitrary number of days that you decided meant something. That the woman hasn’t blocked your number, and is actually suggesting that you might be well-suited (or at least better-suited) for a friend of hers, suggests that you haven’t completely blown it, but you need to know that your behavior thus far has not done you any favors.

You put expectations on this woman to reach out to you in a specific time-frame, and when she didn’t, you got resentful — even though she actually did text you! Rather than feel flattered that she reached out and showed at least a hint of interest in learning more about you, you decided that her waiting 19 days to send a text meant she wasn’t interested at all. And then you analyzed her excuse for waiting that long when it had nothing to do with you and was none of your business. Who cares if she gave a lame excuse?! She didn’t owe you details. She didn’t even owe you the truth. There are all kinds of potential reasons she waited as long as she did to text you, and lots of reasons she finally did, and almost none of them have a thing to do with you. Quit taking these things so personally!

It was really juvenile to turn down her invitation for coffee because you didn’t like that she waited as long as she did to text you. I mean, that’s like teenager behavior, and I don’t think you are a teenager because you met in a bar that I have to assume you are of legal age to be in. So quit acting like a teenager! If you’re lucky enough to be asked out by a woman you have some interest in and you’re available, say yes, for God’s sake! “Why should this woman get her way after taking so long to contact me?” Are you serious with this shit? Why should SHE get HER way?! Weren’t you the one who initially asked her for her phone number? And then the woman actually asks you out and you think saying yes is some sacrifice for her benefit?! What’s wrong with you?

And then you told her that you’re looking for a woman who’s sexy and a good kisser, but you didn’t mean to be “suggestive”? Well, what DID you mean if not to be suggestive? Of course you were being suggestive. You were suggesting that the two of you kiss so you could judge her skills and decide whether or not she met your criteria. And it’s risky to suggest something like that, even implicitly, to someone you have not even gone out with yet. Sure, some women may not be bothered by it, but many would. A comment like that is way more symbolic than a 19-day waiting period before texting someone. A comment like that symbolizes a disregard for, or ignorance of, the discomfort many women feel when men — especially men they barely know — prioritize a physical connection. It symbolizes prioritizing a woman’s ability to arouse sexual pleasure. To focus on something like that — to make a point of even mentioning it to a woman you’ve only met in person briefly is… well, kind of sleazy. And then to follow it up with an inquiry about the woman’s size? Asking if she’s “petite”? Are you kidding me? Come on, decent men don’t do that. The focus on the physical is off-putting, and when a comment like that is made in conjunction with the kissing comment, and a snarky remark about how long it took her to text you (with the exact number of days, which is obsessive and weird), you come across as a creep, and frankly, I’m surprised she’s still talking to you and even suggesting you might be well-suited for a friend of hers.

If you really want to try again with this woman, you need to acknowledge that you understand how your poorly-chosen comments made her feel uncomfortable, express genuine regret about giving a less-than-flattering impression of yourself, and tell her that you’ve enjoyed the conversations you’ve had and would be really grateful to have the opportunity to meet up in person to show her that you are a bigger gentleman than you’ve come across over texts, but that if she chooses not to take you up on that, you understand and wish her all the best. AND THEN DROP IT. Who knows, maybe she’ll take another 19 days to think it over, but regardless what her answer is (or how long she takes to give it), closing with class will cast you in better light, and that’s always a good thing (particularly if she really does have a friend you might be well-suited for!).

What do you do when you go a vacation with a man and it wasn’t exciting or romantic? My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly six months and then we went to Hawaii for a week and the experience was average. It was like we were a couple who had been together for 25 years. I must admit, I saw him in a different light. He seemed less attractive to me. Is it because it was a first vacation away with a man? I have no idea.

The six months together prior to Hawaii were good, but we only saw each other twice a week because we both work long hours. Some of my friends told me that we should have gone on a weekend away first. Some of them have said to avoid going on a beach holiday. (I’m assuming they mean to go on a city holiday?) Are we a match? — Paradise Lost

 
Probably starting out with a shorter trip with less pressure and fewer expectations for ROMANCE! would have been wise, especially since your six months together have been a slow burn. I don’t understand the suggestion to avoid a beach holiday, unless there are some reasons specific to you (like you don’t like sand, or you feel uncomfortable in a swimsuit, or you’re allergic to the sun or something), but in general, I think vacations with high expectations and/or high pressure (like, say, meeting the family) can fast-track a relationship to whatever next step would have organically come otherwise for the couple. That doesn’t necessarily mean that a vacation that didn’t go well spells doom or symbolizes that you aren’t well-matched, but if you aren’t able to laugh about some of the awkwardness, or use the opportunity to grow closer in some way, that’s not good. And, certainly, if you’re coming home from a vacation feeling less attracted to your partner, that’s even worse, and I think that is indicative of a less than ideal match, unfortunately.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

27 comments… add one
  • avatar

    JD May 18, 2018, 9:22 am

    LW1: Please post your number so if anyone ever is given it they will know it is you and avoid ever contacting you. You suck. You really believe you are entitled to whatever you want from this woman. She should block you.

    LW2: You never have spent real time together. Few vacations with couples are frolicking in the water and making love under a waterfall. It is about relaxing and having fun. I think you had too high of expectations. I agree a weekend would have been prudent to begin with. Sounds like he is comfortable with you. This wasn’t your honeymoon it was a fun, getting to know each other better trip. Your expectations seemed way too high. Heck my ex and I never even had sex on vacations. Not in a bad way, just a we are so exhausted we are finally on vacation so it just never happened thing. It became a joke but it just didn’t matter to us, we have every other day to do that.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph May 18, 2018, 9:47 am

      Idk JD, I dont think its a good sign if you guys couldnt muster up the energy to have some vacation sex. He is your ex after all, maybe this is more a part of it than you think.

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      • avatar

        JD May 18, 2018, 10:14 am

        That for sure isn’t why it ended. We were together 15 years, ran three businesses and took maybe a vacation once every 5 years. Frankly we just wanted to sleep. haha. His constant lying was the issue.

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      • avatar

        K May 18, 2018, 11:05 am

        We don’t usually have sex on vacation because we have active vacations with hiking, kayaking, lots of driving, etc. We end up feeling more tired than we do at home. If we did beach vacations or vacations that were more relaxing, I’m sure we would. Anyway, I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad sign in general.

        The first big vacation we did go on together though, 5 months into our relationship, we did have sex a couple of times, so if she’s not having sex with him on vacation after only 6 months, THAT could be a bad sign.

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      • avatar

        Ange May 18, 2018, 10:16 pm

        Oh man in America my husband and I really struggled with that aspect because the food knocked us for six, so carby and greasy. Most nights we just kinda laid there regretting our life choices.

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    • avatar

      JD May 18, 2018, 11:12 am

      Right. Also on our first vacation a day in I had the flu and was barfing the whole time….so I suppose it was partially circumstance sometimes. Worst time to get the flu, grr.

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph May 18, 2018, 9:32 am

    LW1-
    Reading your letter really made my skin crawl. A relationship or a hookup or whatever it is that you’re looking for is not a contest between you and the other person where you deny her “what she wants” because she took too long. Either you’re interested in her and she’s interested in you, or not. Wouldn’t giving her what she wanted (a date with you) give you what you wanted when you asked for her number?
    And yeah, petite doesn’t mean short it also means small. I think you know that and were trying to subtly ask if she was fat. That’s rude. I wonder, LW, are you even that attractive? You seem like a mediocre dude who thinks he deserves a woman way out of his league.

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    • avatar

      Chris May 19, 2018, 12:17 am

      Spacy Steph,
      I’ve been told i’m good looking and I’m not a mediocre dude. Sorry to disappoint you..I did not ask her whether she’s petite to find out whether she’s fat. I knew she wasn’t fat. I just asked whether she was petite. Maybe i just ran out of things to ask her but i didn’t mean to be rude. And i apologised to her and she said “it’s all good”.

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      • avatar

        Rebecca May 19, 2018, 3:14 pm

        “It’s all good” is code for “you haven’t made me uncomfortable enough to bounce yet, but you’re close.”

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph May 19, 2018, 10:16 pm

        You may have a 10 appearance but your letter displays a 1 in the personality department. So you average a 5.5. Mediocre.

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  • avatar

    MMR May 18, 2018, 10:15 am

    UGH… what does LW1 even want? So far, he’s tried to ‘punish’ this woman for not contacting him soon enough, feels he’s had to apologize for doing nothing wrong and still wants her to be interested? I mean, I guess, at the very least he’s identified that “there was a little resentment on my part”. Just a little, though.

    “Why should this woman get her way after taking so long to contact me? Lol.”
    WHAT? So if he doesn’t get EXACTLY what he wants, then no one else should? Isn’t going on a date also what he wants???

    It sounds like this woman likes to have **GASP** some control over her own dating life and this guy can’t handle it. Leave her alone.

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph May 18, 2018, 10:31 am

    Oh also, “you would be a better fit for my friend” is code. She doesn’t really have a friend she wants to pawn you off on. She wants you to go away.

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  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine May 18, 2018, 10:39 am

    WW&EES. LW1 you need to take your attitude down a notch. This chick owes you literally nothing and you have this weird internal score sheet when you two haven’t even gone out for coffee. Dating isn’t transactional. Work on changing your mindset to ‘just getting to know each other’ and remember that truly confident people are usually really nice….

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  • avatar

    Rebecca May 18, 2018, 10:57 am

    LW1, you sound exhausting.

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie May 18, 2018, 10:57 am

    What is it with guys thinking that they deserve attention? What have we done as a culture to encourage this? Seriously? How many screenshots have we seen where some guy texts a girl and when she doesn’t respond RIGHTNOW he does a 180 and calls her a tease or a whore or a fat bitch. What the ever living hell?

    Why do we keep calling women emotionally fragile when this behavior is all over the damn place?

    LW 1- she texted you. You turned it around and you fucked it up by being demanding, suggestive and douchey.

    Don’t ever say that you hate people who play games because dude – you have defined this set of arbitrary rules and you decided to not take her up on coffee as “punishment” for her not texting for 19 days. That. Is. Game. Playing.

    LW 2 -maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe your expectations were so over inflated that reality wouldn’t have ever been met. Did you expect to spend your days in bed? Late nights and dancing? Did you say that? Did you expect him to know? Does he have ESP ? That last one was rhetorical he doesn’t have ESP – no one does. I don’t know -if you felt like a coupled married 25 years – was it a good 25 years or a bickering and sniping 25 years? I guess, when I learn people have been married 20+ years, I’m impressed and I don’t think it a bad thing. And couples married that long still get it on. That’s usually one of the reasons they’re still married.

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  • avatar

    ele4phant May 18, 2018, 11:25 am

    LW1 – This woman was never really interested in you – that you had to badger her to take exchange contact info should’ve been a clear soft no – and you’ve consistently be misreading her cues and then placing the blame on her for not matching your level of interest.

    When you first meet someone if there’s a genuine connection, you’re right, it shouldn’t be this hard. People are busy, yes, but all the same so you have to cut some slack there, but if you wanted to see her and she wanted to see you, it would’ve probably made that happen by now.

    However, the answer in a situation like yours is not to double down, keep trying, and get pissy at her for not liking you as much as you like her.

    The answer is to gracefully except that that person does not reciprocate your interest, or does not reciprocate to your level, AND MOVE ON.

    If its like pulling teeth to get her attention initially, then stop trying and move onto the next.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse May 18, 2018, 11:49 am

    LE1: I can’t believe you even wrote in with your text breakdowns including LOL. The LOL doesn’t change the harsh tone you have. You don’t have a relationship with this woman. I don’t know why she reached out after 19 days, but I’m surprised she hasn’t blocked you yet. She was being honest when she said she doesn’t even know you enough to know if she’s interested. You need to slow down and stop throwing yourself on people. No one wants to see someone IRL who has already proved to be vindictive, sarcastic and biting through text.
    LW2: Were the last six months good? You sound lukewarm at best. I don’t know what your expectations were, what happened (or didn’t) but he’s a human. What do you mean it felt like you’ve been married for 25 years? Did he leave the bathroom door open or something?

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  • Copa

    Copa May 18, 2018, 12:03 pm

    LW1 Yikes! How old are you? I have no idea why this woman corresponded with you as long as she did. YOU messed this up. Maybe she waited 19 days to contact you, but texting you implies at least a mild level of interest or curiosity. (I agree with her and think tepid interest in another person you don’t know is TOTALLY NORMAL at first. Personally, I get weirded out if a guy seems too into me too soon.) YOU messed this up by being immature, entitled, and a total weirdo! She actually asked you out — which is what YOU want, too, right!? — and you said no for such a ridiculous reason, thinking you were teaching her some kind of lesson, but really, joke’s on you! Grow up. She’s not being over-sensitive. I’d be so, so put off by a guy who asked me what my body looks like because he’d only seen me sitting down. It’s inappropriate. And if a guy called me out for taking 19 days to text him, I’d think he was a total loser for keeping track and an even bigger loser for calling me out like I owed him a prompt text. I don’t know why you think it’s relevant that she’s on Tinder. She’s surely on there hoping to meet someone who doesn’t act like this. Whatever passing interest she had in you is gone by now. Move on, work on yourself, and be less creepy next time.

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  • avatar

    Fyodor May 18, 2018, 12:10 pm

    “You put expectations on this woman to reach out to you in a specific time-frame, and when she didn’t, you got resentful — even though she actually did text you! Rather than feel flattered that she reached out and showed at least a hint of interest in learning more about you, you decided that her waiting 19 days to send a text meant she wasn’t interested at all.”

    I mean, it’s entirely reasonable for him to assume that she isn’t interested in him and is a waste of time based on the 19 day delay. I’m betting that a lot of the women here wouldn’t go out with a guy that waited three weeks to call.But if you don’t think she’s interested enough, then move on-don’t whine passive-aggressively about it like an eleven year old.

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    • Copa

      Copa May 18, 2018, 12:21 pm

      Yeah. I once had a guy ask for my number while I was commuting after we made some chit chat. It took him several weeks to reach out. By then, my excitement/hope had died down, I knew his interest was lukewarm at best, and I decided I didn’t care enough to respond. So I didn’t. (Maybe I should have instead tried LW’s approach, though… heh.)

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    • avatar

      ele4phant May 18, 2018, 12:24 pm

      Totally agreed – if she was interested, truly interested, she wouldn’t have waited over two weeks to test. She probably would’ve happily given him her number. When people are interested in getting to know someone better, they usually act on that more assertively.

      He’s not wrong in interpreting her actions a lukewarm interest; his error is rather than acknowledging that and moving on, he’s throwing a fit.

      If I had to guess, she probably wasn’t all that attracted to him, but thought he was…fine. And then maybe she was bored and not finding that many matches on tinder (or whatever the kids do these days) and decided, “Eh, what the heck. It might be interesting to get coffee this guy”.

      In my singledom, I definitely when on dates with guys that I was “meh” on if I had nothing else going on.

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  • avatar

    Hazel May 18, 2018, 12:34 pm

    LW1- Oh really just look at yourself. You have no idea of her circumstances. Maybe she liked you, but had a maybe thing going on which she had to nix on before she felt okay about putting out thoughts to you.Wouldn’t that be a perfectly civilised thing to do? You sound like you are competing, you sound as if you don’t like her much.Don’t be so silly, this isn’t a game, women are just people, stop counting points and you may find happiness.

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  • avatar

    carolann May 18, 2018, 2:30 pm

    LW1 Sounds like a stalker for real. Sounds like she was trying to be nice…nicer than most people would be given his attitude. He sounds like an Ncel member. (I spelled it that way on purpose)

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  • avatar

    SiSiSodaPop May 18, 2018, 4:25 pm

    LW1: Wow. I’m willing to bet that this girl perceived you as creepy and entitled… I sure did. Maybe she was in the process of breaking up with someone, or getting to know someone else. Maybe she doesn’t like to date/talk to several guys at once. Maybe she had some personal issues that needed to be resolved before she felt comfortable starting something new with you. Those would all be pretty decent reasons to delay contacting you for 19 days. Obviously she had at least some interest – she still remembered you 19 days after you gave her your number. Your level of resentment is over the top and indicative of your immaturity. And then the game playing. Yes, rejecting her offer to meet up for coffee as a means of punishing her is the definition of game playing. Do her a favor and leave her alone.

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  • avatar

    Ange May 18, 2018, 10:33 pm

    I don’t even get what LW1 wants. You both sound kinda like you hate each other and you haven’t even been on a date, cut it loose.

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    • avatar

      Rebecca May 19, 2018, 6:45 am

      It’s truly amazing how many people date, have relationships with, and even marry people they truly, deeply do not like.

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  • avatar

    Meeple May 21, 2018, 2:09 pm

    LW1 (Chris, is it?): you sound like a Nice Guy. Stop being a Nice Guy. No woman owes you anything; her time, interest, conversation, anything. Play bitch games, get bitch prizes.

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