We’ve talked on the phone and texted each other. I’ve called her four times and she hasn’t called me at all although she replies with texts. We’ve talked on the phone for an hour or so twice. She suggested we meet up for a coffee on a particular day, but I said I was too busy. I wasn’t really. Why should this woman get her way after taking so long to contact me? Lol.
I asked her by text what sort of man she was looking for, and then she asked me what kind of woman I was looking for, to which I replied, “someone easy-going, independent, and I don’t mean this as suggestive but someone sexy who’s a good kisser.” She replied, “Too much information. Lol.”
Later on she revealed that my text came across as sleazy. I explained to her that my comments were just tongue-in-cheek, and she said, “It’s all good.”
I also asked whether she was petite (because she was sitting down for most of the night when I met her). She said that’s something you never ask a woman but, “It’s all good.”
Is she being oversensitive?
On another occasion, I sent her a text saying, “Because you took 19 days to contact me, that is not a strong sign of interest; otherwise, you would have contacted me within three to four days. Thoughts? Lol.” She came back with: “To be honest, I didn’t really know you to be able to ascertain if I had any interest. That’s the whole purpose of getting to know each other — to see if there is that connection there. You can’t really tell after one meeting.” I left it at that and asked her something else.
I never went out with her and I’ve had to apologize to her because of my comments. But she’s cool. She never got angry or anything. My comments were never intended to make her feel bad. I’m not even sure I said anything bad. Did I? Now she’s telling me we have differing views and she thinks I may be better suited to her friend. What? I stand by what I said. If she had given me her number, I would have contacted her within three days. Maybe there was a little resentment on my part that she took so long to contact me.
What’s your take on this? And is there any chance I can get her interested again (if there was any strong interest in the first place)? I’ve also seen her on Tinder. — Three Days or Else
My take on this is that you sound immature, entitled, and self-sabotaging. This woman whom you gave your number to was not obligated to text or call you at all, let alone within some arbitrary number of days that you decided meant something. That the woman hasn’t blocked your number, and is actually suggesting that you might be well-suited (or at least better-suited) for a friend of hers, suggests that you haven’t completely blown it, but you need to know that your behavior thus far has not done you any favors.
You put expectations on this woman to reach out to you in a specific time-frame, and when she didn’t, you got resentful — even though she actually did text you! Rather than feel flattered that she reached out and showed at least a hint of interest in learning more about you, you decided that her waiting 19 days to send a text meant she wasn’t interested at all. And then you analyzed her excuse for waiting that long when it had nothing to do with you and was none of your business. Who cares if she gave a lame excuse?! She didn’t owe you details. She didn’t even owe you the truth. There are all kinds of potential reasons she waited as long as she did to text you, and lots of reasons she finally did, and almost none of them have a thing to do with you. Quit taking these things so personally!
It was really juvenile to turn down her invitation for coffee because you didn’t like that she waited as long as she did to text you. I mean, that’s like teenager behavior, and I don’t think you are a teenager because you met in a bar that I have to assume you are of legal age to be in. So quit acting like a teenager! If you’re lucky enough to be asked out by a woman you have some interest in and you’re available, say yes, for God’s sake! “Why should this woman get her way after taking so long to contact me?” Are you serious with this shit? Why should SHE get HER way?! Weren’t you the one who initially asked her for her phone number? And then the woman actually asks you out and you think saying yes is some sacrifice for her benefit?! What’s wrong with you?
And then you told her that you’re looking for a woman who’s sexy and a good kisser, but you didn’t mean to be “suggestive”? Well, what DID you mean if not to be suggestive? Of course you were being suggestive. You were suggesting that the two of you kiss so you could judge her skills and decide whether or not she met your criteria. And it’s risky to suggest something like that, even implicitly, to someone you have not even gone out with yet. Sure, some women may not be bothered by it, but many would. A comment like that is way more symbolic than a 19-day waiting period before texting someone. A comment like that symbolizes a disregard for, or ignorance of, the discomfort many women feel when men — especially men they barely know — prioritize a physical connection. It symbolizes prioritizing a woman’s ability to arouse sexual pleasure. To focus on something like that — to make a point of even mentioning it to a woman you’ve only met in person briefly is… well, kind of sleazy. And then to follow it up with an inquiry about the woman’s size? Asking if she’s “petite”? Are you kidding me? Come on, decent men don’t do that. The focus on the physical is off-putting, and when a comment like that is made in conjunction with the kissing comment, and a snarky remark about how long it took her to text you (with the exact number of days, which is obsessive and weird), you come across as a creep, and frankly, I’m surprised she’s still talking to you and even suggesting you might be well-suited for a friend of hers.
If you really want to try again with this woman, you need to acknowledge that you understand how your poorly-chosen comments made her feel uncomfortable, express genuine regret about giving a less-than-flattering impression of yourself, and tell her that you’ve enjoyed the conversations you’ve had and would be really grateful to have the opportunity to meet up in person to show her that you are a bigger gentleman than you’ve come across over texts, but that if she chooses not to take you up on that, you understand and wish her all the best. AND THEN DROP IT. Who knows, maybe she’ll take another 19 days to think it over, but regardless what her answer is (or how long she takes to give it), closing with class will cast you in better light, and that’s always a good thing (particularly if she really does have a friend you might be well-suited for!).
The six months together prior to Hawaii were good, but we only saw each other twice a week because we both work long hours. Some of my friends told me that we should have gone on a weekend away first. Some of them have said to avoid going on a beach holiday. (I’m assuming they mean to go on a city holiday?) Are we a match? — Paradise Lost
Probably starting out with a shorter trip with less pressure and fewer expectations for ROMANCE! would have been wise, especially since your six months together have been a slow burn. I don’t understand the suggestion to avoid a beach holiday, unless there are some reasons specific to you (like you don’t like sand, or you feel uncomfortable in a swimsuit, or you’re allergic to the sun or something), but in general, I think vacations with high expectations and/or high pressure (like, say, meeting the family) can fast-track a relationship to whatever next step would have organically come otherwise for the couple. That doesn’t necessarily mean that a vacation that didn’t go well spells doom or symbolizes that you aren’t well-matched, but if you aren’t able to laugh about some of the awkwardness, or use the opportunity to grow closer in some way, that’s not good. And, certainly, if you’re coming home from a vacation feeling less attracted to your partner, that’s even worse, and I think that is indicative of a less than ideal match, unfortunately.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.