“My Good Friend’s Husband is Sexist”
A dear friend of just over twenty years has been married to her husband for close to half that. He and I have always gotten along despite our differences in politics (he’s conservative, I’m progressive). Over the years, he’s made a few comments that I found off-putting but shrugged off because he’s not my husband.
Earlier this year, we were out to celebrate the anniversary of a couple we both know, and he wanted to chat politics with me. I was a bit hesitant, but I went with it. I made a statement to the effect that I believe that women in America are considered second-class citizens, and that to be a female who is also BIPOC is even more challenging. He asked me why I would say such a thing, and I mentioned the overturning of Roe v. Wade and the loss of bodily autonomy. He said all that really did was bring that choice to the states.
At this point, I knew it wasn’t going to be a productive conversation on either end, so I said that we could agree to disagree and not go any further. He then asked how women are treated differently in America. I mentioned the gender pay gap, again stating that it’s even more of a disparity for BIPOC women. I’ll never forget the look on his face when he chuckled and then said, well, but women don’t work as much as men do. Wendy, I was flabbergasted. I shut down the conversation and said that he really needs to do his research about the gender pay gap, unpaid domestic labor, as well as Project 2025.
The night ended fine, but I have to say that this has been eating at me. He’s not my husband, and he’s not my choice, but he is married to someone I adore. We all get together a few times a years and I don’t want to spend significant/one-on-one time with him during those occasions. Yes, I can spend time with just my friend, or with all of us as a large group where I can avoid him, but at some point, it’s going to become an issue if we aren’t getting together as couples.
Wendy, is this something I just need to get over? Part of me feels that this would mean I’m making myself smaller for him and his anti-feminist beliefs. How do I move forward? — Proud Feminist in America
Why should the burden of something being an “issue” fall on you and not on your friend’s husband? You say “it’s going to become an issue if we aren’t getting together as couples,” but isn’t it an issue that your friend’s husband corners you at get-togethers to talk about topics you don’t want to discuss with him, mocks your response to questions you don’t want to answer, and makes stupid remarks about something he doesn’t understand and doesn’t really want to understand? Isn’t what HE already does to you more of an issue than your avoiding getting together with him in the future? It is, and yet I really doubt he is the slightest bit concerned about how his behavior might affect the group dynamic or the feelings of anyone involved. It’s not your job to take on the burden of keeping the peace if that peace doesn’t even extend to you.
The way you explained things to your friend’s dumb husband underscores what so many of us women already know: it’s not fair. What’s not fair? The way we’re treated – both under the law and within social dynamics. The expectations of us aren’t equal. We are expected to do more, be more, and to always consider others’ feelings more than our own. But it doesn’t have to be this way. We can make changes starting with the personal. We can say we’ve had enough with the status quo and we’re going to tweak things in our personal lives to reflect that. We can stop engaging with people who don’t engage with us in good faith – who don’t prioritize our feelings or really care about our perspectives.
You can do this by further limiting your time with your friend’s husband. If you get together with him and his wife as couples a few times a year, stop. Insist that the time you spend with your friend is either without the presence of her husband or in groups large enough that you can avoid him. If she asks why you’ve changed how you get together, tell her that you are put off by her husband’s pursuing political discussions with you. You are allowed to be bothered! You are allowed to have boundaries and preferences and to take up space. You are entitled to enjoy the time you spend with your friends and not worry about being cornered by some sexist jerk looking to get a rise out of a woman he likely cannot compete with intellectually. You do not owe this man any of your time or energy simply because he is married to your friend. That’s her problem, not yours.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Dear Wendy,
Thank you for reinforcing what I have tried to instill. This writer is my incredible & lovely daughter. I couldn’t be more proud of who she has become.
Good job, Mom.
Brava, Wendy. This is brilliant advice! A bit like defensive driving: simply steer clear of the jerks on the road who won’t stay in their lane. Enjoy your own ride in safety and peace.
“It’s not your job to take on the burden of keeping the peace if that peace doesn’t even extend to you.” I wish women would get this tattooed inside their eyelids. Wendy, you have such finesse in guiding readers with their dilemmas readers.
🙏
In the event that you do unluckily get stuck talking with him for more than a moment, don’t rise to his bait – that gives him, if not ammunition, just energy. Try with a languid, amused attitude “Why do you say that?” and respond with nothing more than “hmm.” Sometimes people have to hear themselves before they realize how dumb they sound. This is a “give them enough rope” situation.
👍🏼
My step dad is kind of like this. I often say “I’m not interested in talking about this. Thanks!” and sometimes I just walk away. Agree with Wendy — you are allowed to stand up for yourself and walk away. 👍🏼
Hard to believe this conservative husband seek out “BIPOC” Progressive to list every political buzzword for him…surely he get enough HR lecture everywhere else?
Seem more likely this activist want to talk “body autonomy”, “unpaid labor”, “BIPOC challenge” with whoever she can make listen?
Did you actually read the letter?
That’s what conservatives do though. I have zero interest in talking politics with someone on the far right, but they always insist on letting me know how awful they are even if I don’t say a word.
Conservatives and Progressives are equally boorish, and I’m disappointed that we’re taking sides. Just disagree and move on. I’m so tired of the “my side is the only side that’s right, and anyone else is stupid” mentality. Show your bestie some love by deigning to socialize with her husband.
Possibly, but with the caveat that politics are a banned subject for discussion. Some people on both sides of the political spectrum thrive on arguing politics in every conversation. But it’s very difficult to stay neutral in a situation where your very existence is being questioned by a sexist boor.
You can love a friend while despising their husband. Friends should be able to socialize without their partners, and it’s a huge red flag if they never do. Abusers usually start by trying to isolate their victims, but that doesn’t mean that friends have to put up with bad treatment.
I don’t think you should self-segregate or completely hide from every disagreeable opinion you might hear. Sure he is an ignorant oaf but we need to engage in these conversations and not run away from them. This is a broader problem in our country where the two sides need to get out of their own reality bubbles and try to engage with each other again, even if it’s on something innocuous like sports or popular culture. We have to start the healing process at some point (hopefully after the election.) We’re all Americans after all; we’re in this together.