“Should I Tell Him I Want Him Back if He Has a New Partner?”
I’m so much better now, and I’m finally happy with myself. I’m now happier than I was before! I’ve always missed him, but recently he’s come back into my life in a greater capacity. Since the breakup I have tried moving on, I’ve met multiple new guys, and I’ve talked to a few others, but none of these efforts have panned out. It’s always me that stops things progressing, because these other guys just aren’t Derrick. When I’ve been with these other guys, I still think about Derrick and I still want him.
Derrick’s been in a new relationship now for about nine months, and he’s told others that he still can’t get over me and that he’s unhappy in his relationship a lot, so what do I do? I’d feel horrible if I hurt anyone over this, and I really don’t know what to do. The only thing I know (as cliché as this is going to sound) is that our story isn’t over.
What should I do, Wendy? Am I wrong to still want him? How would you cope with this situation? — Story-Teller
I’d be direct and simple with him: “It’s been two-and-half years since we broke up and I’m in a completely different place now, mentally. I still have feelings for you, and, while I know you’re in a relationship now, I’m wondering if you still have have feelings for me and whether you’d be interested in giving our relationship another try?” You do risk your ex’s girlfriend getting hurt, which you say you don’t want, but look at it this way: If your ex does still have feelings for you and would be interested in getting back together with you, his girlfriend isn’t the right match for him and would get hurt eventually anyway.
If your ex isn’t interested in reuniting with you, it’s better you find out right away and move on already rather than spend any more time romanticizing what you had or what you think you could have. You say that your story isn’t over yet, but that doesn’t mean it has a happy ending or that it’s a story worth continuing. Maybe it is! But I’d also venture to say that not letting go of this story for the last couple of years could be a big reason why you haven’t found a deeper connection with anyone else yet (that, and you were also focused on stabilizing your mental health, which, of course, is a bigger priority).
You say that you’ve always stopped things from progressing with other guys because they aren’t Derrick. What if it turns out Derrick actually isn’t “It”? And what if, instead of ending things with other guys, you let relationships grow? You might find that the happier story lies elsewhere. But if you need to see whether the Derrick chapter is truly over before you can move on, do it — ask him and then move on (whether it’s with him or without). But remember that he does have a girlfriend and, regardless of what you’ve heard about their relationship, she has feelings–feelings that will likely be hurt by your pursuing her boyfriend.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
