“My Husband’s Unhappy That I’m Avoiding His Family”
My husband and I recently spent several days visiting his brother and sister-in-law at their vacation home. My brother-in-law (in his 70s) had numerous explosive tantrums about minor inconveniences (i.e. his wife made reservations at the ‘second best’ steakhouse), and his general hostility made for an unpleasant experience. My husband is uncomfortable with this behavior, but tries to placate his brother, while taking his frustrations out on me.
Now this brother and sister-in-law proposed spending a long weekend together next month and although I am friendly towards them, I’m no longer willing to spend long periods of time with them. I’ve told my husband I’ve decided not to join them, so he’s going without me. (I’ve suggested my church commitments as a neutral reason for declining the invitation.)
My husband is unhappy that I’m not ‘going along for his sake, since he does so much for me’. What is the most positive approach to take, protecting my emotional well-being while maintaining good relations? — Choosing Peace
You are already taking the best approach to protect your emotional well-being and maintain good relations with everyone – bravo! You are remaining friendly while drawing boundaries. I assume you’ve told your husband that you are willing to spend shorter visits with your in-laws, but longer visits are not on the table right now (and maybe ever again), right? You are not holding him back from joining on multi-day visits, which he’s doing, and if he is going to be upset about you maintaining your boundary and sitting this one out, that’s his problem.
You don’t say how long you’ve been married, but you’re in your 70s and if this is a first marriage, or even if it’s not, I imagine the “doing so much for you” business goes both ways and you likely have plenty of examples of making sacrifices and compromises for the sake of your husband – including your recent visit to your in-laws’ vacation home. Don’t let him guilt you about holding firm in this boundary that will help you protect your emotional wellbeing. If he continues badgering you about how much he does for you and how that makes you obligated to do whatever he wants you to do for him in return, remind him that it doesn’t.
Marriage is about compromise, and on this particular issue your compromise is to spend time with your in-laws in shorter windows of time after being exhausted by them during longer visits. If your husband doesn’t like spending time with them without you, he can skip the longer visits, too. Your peace is not up for debate.
This is painful because I am genuinely happy in my relationship and feel supported and cared for by him, but the constant undercurrent of my family’s opinions weighs heavily on me.
On top of that, I worry about the future — that there might come a point where I’m forced to pick a side, or risk feeling excluded from my family if they can’t accept him. It’s hard not to let their perspective consume me, and I’m struggling with how to hold onto both my family connection and my relationship without feeling torn in two. — Feeling Torn
With so few details to go on here, I’m going to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and assume that your family only wants best for you and that there’s something about your boyfriend – like a reputation that precedes him or something he may have said to done in their presence – or your dynamic with him or the timing of your relationship that gives them pause. Have you spoken to them about what that might be? Do any of your close friends express similar concerns? If so, it is certainly worth considering what these people who love you have to say.
If there genuinely isn’t any good reason for your family to disapprove of your relationship, ride things out a bit and see if the benefit of time helps ease tension. If it doesn’t – if your relationship continues to progress and while your family’s disapproval grows, then you likely will come to a point where you may not have to choose sides, necessarily, but you’ll have to be firm in your boundaries. Those boundaries may include spending less time with your family, keeping your relationship separate from them, and changing the topic when they discuss your boyfriend.
If you are finding that most people in your life who’ve known you for a while prior to this relationship express similar feelings about your boyfriend, I do hope you will consider their concerns. Sometimes it’s hard to see in someone we are falling in love with the stuff we should be cautious about. For the people who love us, when there is reason for concern, it can be hard to see what’s worth falling for.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW1: has your brother-in-law always behaved this way or is it new? It could be a medical issue that needs to be addressed.
Gee whiz! How is the LW supposed to bring up the idea that the man baby tantrums of her brother-in-law could be medically caused, without causing offence? Even if they are, how is that her problem to solve? The health system would collapse completely under the weight of “Man in his 70s acts like an entitled brat” syndrome.
JFC, it’s a plausible suggestion. Could be a sign of dementia or something and maybe her husband (his own BROTHER) could bring it up to the wife. Doesn’t necessarily mean she has to. Your response is snarky, unhelpful, and un-called for.
Two years ago, if you’d told me I’d be sitting in my cozy apartment, watching my eight-year-old son build Lego towers on the living room floor while I sip coffee in peace, I’d have laughed—or more likely, cried. Back then, everything was crumbling. My marriage had unraveled slowly, held together only by habit and our shared love for our son, who was turning eight when it all fell apart.
My ex-husband was the breadwinner, always had been. He worked long hours in finance, earning a six-figure salary that afforded us a nice suburban house, Disney vacations, and private school for our son. I was the stay-at-home mom, managing school runs, playdates, and doctor’s appointments. But beneath the perfect facade, I had my struggles. A few years earlier, after losing my mom, I’d spiraled into substance abuse—painkillers, mostly, to numb the grief. It got bad, but I hit rock bottom and got help. Rehab, therapy, the works. By the time we separated, I’d been clean for over a year—sober, steady, and ready to rebuild.
The divorce was messy, but the custody battle was a nightmare. My ex wanted full custody, portraying me as unstable and unfit. His lawyers dug up everything: old prescriptions, ER visits, even anonymous tips from “concerned friends” who were really his family. In court, they twisted my recovery into a liability, calling it a “history of addiction” like it defined me. The judge seemed to lean toward him—stable job, big house, no baggage. I was working part-time at a bookstore, barely getting by, and my lawyer warned we were losing ground. “It’s an uphill battle,” he said. “They see him as the provider.” Preliminary hearings favored him; the guardian ad litem’s report suggested joint custody at best, with him as primary.
I was desperate, falling apart. That’s when a close friend stepped in. We’d known each other since college; she was a free spirit, into yoga, crystals, and what she called “earth-based practices”—witchcraft, essentially, though she never pushed it. One night, over sparkling water, I poured out my heart. “I’m going to lose him. He’s everything to me.” She listened, then cautiously suggested someone she knew—a practitioner, more experienced than her, who’d helped people when odds were stacked against them. “No guarantees,” she said, “but it might shift things in your favor.”
I was skeptical. Raised Catholic, I’d drifted from faith, but desperation opens your mind. She gave me the name of an older woman living on the outskirts of town in a cottage filled with herbs and books. I drove there one rainy afternoon, my son with a sitter. The woman didn’t fit the witch stereotype—no pointy hat, just warm eyes and a knowing smile. We talked for hours about my life, my regrets, my love for my son. She asked for his photo, a lock of my hair, and something of my ex’s—an old tie I’d kept by mistake. She led me through a ritual: candles, incantations in an unfamiliar language, visualizing justice and protection. “The universe listens,” she said. “But you have to fight too.” I left feeling lighter, though I figured it was just emotional release. I paid her a small fee and went home.
The change wasn’t instant, but it started subtly. My ex’s key witness, his sister, backed out last minute, citing a family emergency. Then, at a pivotal hearing, new evidence emerged: text messages from my ex admitting he’d exaggerated my issues to “protect” our son. His lawyers scrambled, but the judge wasn’t impressed. My sobriety tests were spotless, and my therapist’s testimony highlighted my resilience. The case that had been slipping away turned sharply in my favor.
In the end, I got 80-20 custody—my son with me most of the time, weekends and holidays split, but primarily mine. The child support was generous, covering rent, school, and a bit extra for savings. My ex fought it, but the judge was firm: “The child’s best interest is with the parent who’s shown consistent growth and stability.” I was stunned. He grumbled about appeals but eventually backed off, maybe realizing he’d overplayed his hand.
It’s been six months, and life feels possible again. My son is thriving—therapy helped him process the split, and we’ve built routines: pancake Sundays, park adventures, bedtime stories. I don’t know if that woman’s ritual was the turning point or if it was just hard work and luck aligning. My friend swears by it, calls it “manifesting justice.” I keep an open mind. That journey showed me strength I didn’t know I had, and maybe, just maybe, a touch of magic exists. Either way, I’m grateful. My son is safe, happy, and with me. That’s all that matters.
If you are in need of the spell caster services, you can mail him ; [email protected]. He does love spell and the likes….
If I got custody and alimony for blowing up my marriage I would feel magical too, thats a good outcome for you, it’s nice that you are grateful for it.