“Do I Have to Go To My Co-Worker’s Good-Bye Party?”
This lady is a good person, but she is extremely extroverted and loud and annoying. She asked me if I was going to the party, and I told her that it depends on my mood. She didn’t like my answer. She’s very persistent and sometimes can’t take no for an answer. I don’t want to go to the evening party because, basically, I just don’t want to go. If I go to this party, I’ll have to spend a couple hours there and I’ll miss out on going out with my friends.
What do you think I should say to her? I don’t want you to tell me to go; I want you to tell me what to say. My idea would be to say I’m going and then ring her later on to say I’m not feeling in a good mood or something came up or I’m not feeling well or something. And then wish her the best on the phone.
Any ideas? — Not feeling it
My idea is that you need to grow up and develop a lot more tact. You don’t say how old you are, but you sound like a teenager. Are you a teenager? It’s the only excuse I can think of for telling someone that your presence at their going-away party is dependent on whatever mood you’re going to be in that evening. That’s such a rude and arrogant response — something someone who is immature and doesn’t know better would say. If you knew you weren’t going to go, all you had to do was make up some excuse that allowed this woman to believe you WOULD come if you were only available. “Oh, I wish I could make it, but it’s the same night as my friend’s birthday party and I’ve already planned to spend the evening with her and our mutual friends.” Sometimes a white lie really is the best reply — when done right, it allows everyone to leave an interaction with pride still intact. Instead, your response immediately let the guest of honor know that she is of so little importance to you that you can’t even be bothered to commit to a “yes” or a “no” in regards to attending her going-away party. You have to wait and see what your mood is like (which is a lie too, since you already know you aren’t going to go).
At this point, because you didn’t make up an excuse quickly enough and you’ve already told the host that you are essentially available to go to her party, you have to show up. It’s not for her benefit but for yours. If everyone you work with is indeed going to be at this party, many of them with their partners, your absence is going to be noticed. When asked where you are, people will be told that you just weren’t in the mood to show up. That’s going to affect people’s opinion of you. They’re going to think you’re rude. They might even think you’re unprofessional. (Just because this isn’t a work function doesn’t mean it won’t reflect on your professionalism.) It could likely affect your relationships with the co-workers who aren’t moving to another country. You need to suck it up and make an appearance at this party. Go early and hang out for an hour. Bring a friend as a plus-one if you want, and then go meet your crew afterward. Sacrifice an hour for your standing at work.
Send a quick email to the woman who’s leaving, or catch her in the hallway, and say, “Hey, sorry about my response to you the other day when you asked about making it to your party. I was having a bad day and you caught me in a moment. I have some plans with friends later that evening, but I would love to stop by for a bit before I meet up with them and to give you a proper farewell. We’re really going to miss you here, and I wish you all the best in England.”
Go to the party, have a drink, be sure to say “hi” to co-workers, give the annoying lady a hug, wish her well, and then go meet your friends. It’s an hour of your life, you can do it. And next time, have a white lie reply ready to go!
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Great advice Wendy! I hope the LW heeds your wisdom
I don’t think you have to go! But the apology Wendy mentions makes sense. If you believe honesty is the best policy, try. “I’m sorry I was rude the other day. I was trying to figure out how to say that I’m not really a big party person. I’m looking forward to seeing you off at the work event, though.”
You know on some level you should go otherwise you wouldn’t have said “don’t tell me to go.” It’s one hour of your life that will help your work-life stay pleasant. The cost of not going (justifiably being viewed as rude and unprofessional by your coworkers making work unpleasant for probably at least months) is far greater than the cost of going (2 hours is nothing and as Wendy said you can limit to one if you must).
Honestly, for future occasions you don’t need an excuse. Just say apologetically that you already have other plans for that evening/day/whatever.