“I Want to Move Away From My Family”
My family is all deceased except for the one brother living a state away. I need to mention that I was adopted at age 8 in a different state, and my brother and I only reconciled eight years ago but can’t see each other because of distance and finances. My husband and I are not wealthy and my brother’s even less so.
My dilemma is: I want to live in a cooler climate but my husband won’t even consider it because he thinks he won’t get another job anywhere else. My upbringing was dreadful as was my brother’s. Hence, why we were farmed out. I’m just wondering: Do I keep compromising all my life or do I fight for what I want (literally, for the first time in my life)? I’m at a loss as to what to do. Any suggestions are welcome. — Tired of Compromising
I can feel your pain in being abandoned as a child, being cheated out of a relationship with your brother, and missing a happy family life as a kid. I think it’s normal now, as an adult — one whose kids are grown now and whose in-laws are nearing their end — to take stock of where you are, physically, mentally, and emotionally — and to want more or want something different for the next chapter of your life. And while a move to some place cooler, away from memories that may or may not bring comfort and away from family obligations and responsibilities, may feel like the most logical choice, I think if you were honest with yourself, you might realize it’s not terribly logical.
You keep saying none of your family lives near you — that you just have this one brother who lives in a different state — but that isn’t really true, is it? After all, you have your husband and his parents, and you have your four kids. One of them is already married – maybe there will even be grandkids on the horizon. You may feel lonely and unfulfilled, but it isn’t because you lack family near you. You have more family close to you than most of us do. Your dissatisfaction is based on something else, and that something else is going to follow you wherever you go.
I’m sorry to tell you this. The day of reckoning may be upon you, and no amount of running or trying to hide from it is going to save you from the work you need to do to face it and slay it. You had a shitty past. That is not your fault. Your husband is devoted to his parents and perhaps failing to see that you need him too. Speak up. Tell him you’re running on empty. Tell him you need to see your brother. Scrape together the money you need to make such a visit possible. It is cheaper and less traumatic than picking up your life and moving to a cooler climate without jobs and far from family.
Lean on your loved ones — your kids, your husband, your friends. In life and love we make compromises, but if you feel that you are the only one doing so, ask that others shoulder some burden now too. What tasks or sacrifices are you making that keep you unhappy? Can you pass these tasks to someone else? If you stop doing them, will everything fall apart or will people learn to adapt? There are ways you can start living more for yourself without as much disruption to yourself and your family as a move to “a cooler climate” would entail. I know you’re searching for an easy solution — one big action you can take to make everything better — but, with the exception of maybe going to therapy, I don’t think there is one solitary action that is going to bring you the peace you crave. It certainly isn’t a move away from all the people you know and love, no matter how much cooler the climate might be.
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WWS – I can feel your pain so clearly, but when I was reading the letter I was thinking ‘you do have family nearby!’ Do you not feel a bond with your husband and children, do you feel more closely bonded to your brother?
If your brother is living alone, could he perhaps be inclined to move closer to you, so you could see each other more often?
I think therapy would be a really useful tool for you to dig into why you feel so unhappy and what changes you could make that don’t involve upending your life, and the lives of your extended family.
It really stood out to me that she says she doesn’t have any family nearby, even though her four children live in the same town. That suggests this may be less about geography and more about how she’s feeling internally right now.
Her brother only lives one state away, and while she says they can’t see each other because of distance and finances, that’s not an insurmountable barrier in most situations. If the relationship were truly central to her well-being, it seems like there would at least be some effort to bridge that gap occasionally.
She’s also only been reconnected with him for about eight years, so she doesn’t really have lived experience of what daily life near him would actually look like. It’s possible she’s idealizing what that relationship would feel like if she moved. Especially since he doesn’t seem to be considering relocating closer to her or the one encouraging her to relocate.
Perhaps therapy could help her sort through what’s really driving her unhappiness. Sometimes when we feel restless or disconnected, it can seem like a change of scenery will solve it. But if the conflict is internal, a move isn’t going to solve that.
She did not say that the brother lives only one state away. She said he lives in another state, one that it takes all day to fly to. That seems to indicate that they live across the country from each other
It is confusing as in one paragraph she said he lives in another state that takes all day to fly to but in another paragraph she says he lives one state away.