“What Do Men Think of Boudoir Photos?”
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The younger (and single) male said, “No way! Why would you want pictures of territory you’ve already explored? That’s like getting a postcard of a city you’ve traveled extensively a hundred times. Boring!”
The older (and committed) male said, “I’d be happy. It would take a lot of courage for her to do that and obviously she is trying to please me. Plus, sexy pics lead to sexy times.”
I was surprised by the difference of opinions. So I was wondering, what do the DW guys think? — Picture Perfect
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I am not a guy, but I’m interested in the answers. I agreed to do a boudoir photo shoot to help out a friend of a friend build her portfolio. I’m not in a relationship, so I’m just doing it for me, but perhaps someday in the future I can show my special pictures to a special someone… (unless the verdict is that they are super cheesy).
This should have been a His Take…..
Female here… sorry!
The younger single guy here is a true romantic. (Rolls eyes)
Even if it is territory you’ve already explored… why not think of it as a lovely keepsake. If the relationship stands the test of time, someday when you’re 80, you’ll get to remember how your beautiful wife looked back in the day. I don’t know that I’d have the courage/ego/what have you to do this- but I think it is a very cute, thoughtful gift.
The whole notion of “territory you’ve already explored” just annoyed and creeped me out. Hopefully when the LW says young she means 19-20.
Yeah, seriously…if you lost interest once you’ve “explored the territory,” I guess you only ever have one-night stands?
He’s 21. Sigh. The older guy is 28.
Haha i was thinking like 23 and 40. Good to know 28-y.o.’s have some romance in them.
I’d be open to it. I was in a committed relationship and we would still sext each other. Just because you’re committed doesn’t mean you forget how to be naughty and seductive. I loved receiving an “inappropriate” picture while sitting at my work desk. She was a teacher, so she was off during the summer months. I knew as soon as I got off work, what was going to happen between us! That is effin hot if you ask me!!
Yeah, there is just a big difference though of your wife/GF snapping a picture of her goodies, and sending them to you to get you turned on, and having someone else take a picture of her goodies. Would want John from down the street taking a picture of your GF topless riding a horse, and then sending them to you?
It’s something we would talk about. I wouldn’t want to be blindsided, but I’m not going to be that jealous about it. You can spend your whole life being jealous of a guy talking to your girl or looking at your girl, but what matters most is where is she going at the end of the day. Back to the place you own together, or back to your place.
A group of us went out this weekend. A girl and her husband met us out. I was talking to his wife and he got butthurt, because I was talking to her. I wasn’t even talking to her like that. I had known his wife 7 years, which is much longer than she had known him. While I stepped away, my buddy had to tell me that I wasn’t trying to hit on his wife. That’s jealousy that is cancerous in a relationship to me. I can be jealous too, but I’m going to be jealous where it counts. A guy texting my wife or girlfriend all the time or wanting to spend time with her, alone all the time. That’s where I begin to start drawing the line.
“but what matters most is where is she going at the end of the day”
I say this mostly in jest, but sex doesn’t only happen at the end of the day! 😉
Haha. I know that Brad! I’ve always seen jealousy as such a bad thing.
I think a tiny bit is healthy and a good thing. If you grow lazy or complacent your SO might feel you dont appreciate them or wonder how much you still love them. I think it’s healthy to continue to romance/impress your SO. But overdoing it is just plain abusive (and nobody finds insecurity attractive). I’m struggling to think of an example that meets my criteria of tiny bit (it’s hard because I mostly don’t like jealousy either). I guess an example could be something like, you notice your BF starts paying more attention to a story you’re telling when you mention a hott guy you talked to/saw at the gym or something? IDK, it’s hard to really give examples of. It’s something that you just know if it’s a little cute vs. annoying/insecure.
Like the jealousy I had to deal with this weekend, was just dumb. Everything boiled over and it was fine, but it was clear that his wife is chummy with a lot of males. I’ve known her a long time and she always had a lot of male friends, but never messed around with any of them. She was the loud, almost obnoxious girl, that always got along better with guys than girls.
I’ve always been more worried of the girl that has guy friends, but she’s hooked up with all of them.
Brad, I think I know what you mean.
And as a woman… I want my boyfriend to trust me (because he can!), but I wouldn’t mind it if he got a little jealous once in a great while. Just the smallest bit. While I am my own person… I’m still “his” girl. And I want him to be a little protective over that.
and let me say, I’m definitely not against couples being ok with it, just wondering if you felt differently about somebody else taking the pictures.
If I knew about it, no. I wouldn’t care if the photographer was male or female. She’s doing it for me and not the photographer. I’m positive that I’m not the only person that would have thought about my wife or girlfriend in an intimate way. I just absolutely hate jealousy, because it causes so many problems!
MEEEE TOOOO
MOST of the boudoir stuff is not nude, it’s just lingerie. The photo shoot I’m doing is going to be in a hotel room with a female photographer and only other women present. I don’t really see it as a big deal at all.
Same here.
I guess I don’t mind, because my sex drive is through the roof. Now, I’m never going to be in an open relationship or be open to a threesome, but the kinkier stuff that we can find, within reason, I’m totally down. I’m also not into anything S&M. Role playing and new adventurous places to have naughty time is right up my alley. My girl doing this for me would get a nice dinner, a foot rub, and then some pass out from exhaustion sex. All this talk is going to get me hot and bothered. Haha, damn shame I’m single….
So I take it you didn’t find yourself in ‘too much’ trouble this weekend?! 😉
No. Not at all. We had a good time Friday night, then I met up with my best and really only female friend on Saturday. Yesterday, I just lounged around and watched the first 3 episodes from Season 4 of Mad Men. This season is a riot already! How about you Lili, what did you do?
P.S. I made another roast yesterday and it’s so much better when it can sit overnight in the fridge. I’m pushing to make a dreamsicle cake Wednesday evening.
The roast sound so good! I went out saturday and I have to say, I am over going out, the random creepsters that hit on you are just ew. Plus I’m such a cheap drunk now since I diet and only drink wine during the week that two cocktails and I’m drunk. I also am annoyed at losing an hour. I didn’t grow up with Daylight savings time and it throws me off still. Also don’t accidents rise the week after it in the spring-well I saw like two accidents on my way home from my belly dance workout class.
I’m getting to the point of being over going out myself. We went to our local club Friday and then I layed low on Saturday till roughly 11:30pm.
When I met up with my friend, at a local bar she likes to go to, I got the run down on her female friends. There was 3 other women at the table and one kept eye effin me for the first 10 minutes. Kind of put me off a little, but once we started all talking, it was fine.
The one eye raping me, had her ex husband come and sit with us as well. They were married, broke up, dated, broke up again, dated, broke up once again, and now just hook up. She was really sweet and actually fairly cute, but I’m not the type to enter competition with another man.
The next girl was 25, self absorbed, and had been married since she was 18. She had a lot of values that I respected, but you could tell she was a bit clueless on “true life.” Only child, always got what she wanted, been married for 7 years and at a very young age, and just got a boob job.
Next and final girl was 34, recently going through a divorce, has 4 kids, and had a big hickie on her neck. At 34, I would have thought hickies would have been disgusting to her. I specifically asked my friend about her once she left, just to check my gauge, and my friend pointed at her chair and said, “Her? You don’t want to mess with any of that!” Just really makes me laugh, because before she was in her most recent relationship, anytime we went out we would catch one or two people asking us if we were together or married. We would just always reply with no and we just get along very well. We tried to date right when we first met each other in 2005, and it just didn’t work that way. She’s the one female friend, that I’m that close with, that I will ever have.
Belly dancing sounds quite interesting. I don’t believe we have anything close to that in my area. Downside of living where I live….
Yikes about those girls Will! Haha yeah i’m sure you would like the west coast. It has a lot of variety thats for sure 🙂
You shouldn’t see it as a big deal, everyone has their own personal preferences, I don’t want you ladies to feel like you shouldn’t do it, I was just giving my own personal opion on the matter. If that is something that you are comfortable with, and it makes you feel better definitely go for it.
@Lili: This is my everyday experience most of the time. Online dating is about the same. That’s just my area, so you deal with it. I still had a good time, but I was like what the hell is wrong with people here, compared to every where else.
I could take it or leave it really. I would take note of the thought / gesture and appreciate it, but it’s not something I’d really care about NOT having…
If I was deployed on the other hand I think having a sexy professional photo of my s/o in a NY Giants jersey would be pretty sweet to have…but she would need to have hired a female photographer 😉
That’s funny you mention it’d have to be a female photographer. I was thinking that my SO would feel the same way.
Speaking of jersey’s , I dated a guy who played hockey. One day when I was over and bored while waiting for him to get home from work I had an idea pop up into my head. I wanted to text him a pic of me in just his jersey. As you know a Hurry up and get home thing. I walked over to his sports stuff, opened the bag, and EW. The smell that was emitting from the jersey itself killed any sexy photo ideas.
haha – and those jerseys seem to hold that reek no matter how much they are washed.
You opened that bag and thought to yourself, fuck that picture idea!!
Yep! I also sprayed it with whatever perfume sample vial I had in my purse. I wonder if he noticed…
Doesn’t help that the funk stays zipped up in that bag all day either.
Ew! That should have been aired out immediately…
i love hockey smell o_0 lol
I know it says just guys, but…..
I got professional pin-up pictures taken a few months ago. It was a gift to myself, and I’m so happy I did it (although I wish I hadn’t waited until age 32!) They look pretty dang good, if I do say so myself. My then boyfriend was beside himself over them and even though we are broken up, apparently still keeps one of them at work. I have showed them to a few other select guy friends since my break up, and they all liked them. I have never in my life heard of a guy not liking sexy pics. Guys are typically pretty visiual, so it seems like something that would be enjoyable to them. Of course, that’s a bit of a generalization since every guy is different, but it seems like for the most part, guys wouldn’t turn down a sexy picture of their lady. Just two cents from a non-dude.
“Guys are typically pretty visiual, so it seems like something that would be enjoyable to them. Of course, that’s a bit of a generalization since every guy is different, but it seems like for the most part, guys wouldn’t turn down a sexy picture…”
That was my thought, and his response makes me wonder about his perspective about other aspects of dating and relationships. It’s like he’s saying he has already made that conquest, so there’s no point in seeing it…makes me wonder how his view changes of women after he’s had sex with them.
Or, maybe he’s gay. [joke!]
” The younger (and single) male said, “No way! Why would you want pictures of territory you’ve already explored? That’s like getting a postcard of a city you’ve traveled extensively a hundred times. Boring!” ”
No wonder he’s single.
Not a guy, OBV, but I have to say… I never thought about doing this, but I think my boyfriend would really like it. I’m not sure where he’d end up keeping them, but I know he likes the pictures I take of myself, so I can only imagine professional ones would be even better. The only drawback I can see is that he wouldn’t be thrilled if the photographer was a guy…
I personally wouldn’t really care for it, I mean I think it would be cool if we did a photo shoot, and I took the pictures, because I think that would lead to so cool things, but if she went to go get professional pictures done, I would tell her to save her money.
It’s probably because I’m a jealous type of guy, and wouldn’t want somebody else taking the pictures of her.
Even if it’s a female photographer?
I would have to think about it! haha. I mean if she surprised me with the pictures, and told me it was a female photographer, I would love the pictures, really I would. If I was asked though I would definitely tell her to save the money, and let me take some classy pictures of her. It’s not like I’m against sexy pictures of her, I’m just against somebody else taking them, and definitely if a guy did it.
Yeah, what is up with that younger dude? Every guy I know would much rather look at a picture of his SO than some random woman in a magazine or on the TV and I know of no straight guy (or even some gay ones) who would turn down a naked/nearly naked picture, period. I wonder what he would say if his girlfriend got an eyeful and pronounced it “boring”.
Yea, uh – guys like looking at naked women. But the truth is that the longer the relationship goes, the more we enjoy looking at other women for variety. Its nature. Doesn’t mean we all want to ruin our relationships by cheating. But to say we want to look at our partner naked more than a supermodel nakid? Hah, no. We love ya, but no.
The idea is great in principle, but the surprise is a bit bothersome. ‘Surprise, here’s a nice romantic dinner’ is one thing. But I really am not sure if my reaction would be positive or negative for ‘Surprise, I let someone else take nude photos of me!’ I’d like to think I’m mature and modern and whatever yada-yada, but it’s definitely something where a gal should consider the type of guy she’s dating before just surprising him with this.
I generally agree with the older guy friend of the LW and Budj. It’s something I would appreciate both for the gesture and the finished product. However, I think it’s probably more appropriate to have some discussion with your SO about it before you do it.
Oh, and as a general response to the younger guy… I’ve been going skiing yearly to the same place since I was a small child and I still take a hundred pictures every time I go. My mom and dad still send me pictures from home, and I appreciate every single one.
My buddie’s fiance did it for him. She also had a female friend take the pictures for her. I’ll jusut say it was a step in the RIGHT direction for him. She always had an issue with men watching porn, and he liked his porn when they got together. Now, he has those pictures to look at if he wanted to give himself a me-sage.
“Me-sage”
awesome word. stealing it!
That’s all, though? He’s only “allowed” to look at her pictures? How many pictures did she take?
Just because she doesn’t like him looking at porn doesn’t mean she banned him from it. She may have taken the pictures just to give him another option when the urge to me-sage (lol i love this word) hits, rather than trying to force him into changing his habits.
Wouldn’t it be easier to go the Charlotte route and just glue your face to all the models in Juggs?!
She had a REALLY big issue with porno. As guys, we all watch it from time to time to have something to look and think about. She just didn’t like the idea of him looking at another woman getting railed by a guy or even by another female. He understood where she was coming from, but at the same time, didn’t see what the big issue was. So he stopped watching porn and she got him those pics sometime afterwards.
Now if he still looks at it, that’s his call. I don’t ask him anymore, since the only reason why I know in the first place is because he told me.
No, I know for a fact it was to change habits. It wasn’t a big deal to him and they have sex pretty much daily so it’s never a dull moment for them, romance wise.
I’ve came over and had to wait at the door, because they had to finish. This is inbetween me calling and the 10 minutes it took me to get there. They have fun in the naughty time department. I’ve heard stuff verbally from them, and audibly being in the same vicinity, that I would never want to hear again. haha
Yeah, like he stopped watching porn for her pictures 🙄
My husband/then-fiancé actually acted as a photographer for an amateur boudoir shoot. A close acquaintance asked if my husband would take pictures of his girlfriend at the time for a potential portfolio. Before any photography was performed, I was asked if this was cool. I was ok with it, so long as I could be there as it happened, as well as the subject’s boyfriend. I ended up acting as my husband’s photography assistant: setting up the studio, arranging quick costumes, providing light makeup and pumping up the subject’s confidence (she just had a baby and breastfeeding made her self conscious about her chest). My husband was too focused on angles and lighting to realize that he’s looking at another girl naked.
My wife and I meet at a nudist facility and remained active there of several years after we got together. After we moved to the boon docks we dropped out because there aren’t any nude beaches or resorts near us. We both miss it and seek places to bare our old flabby bodies when vacationing. I’d like to have some good professional pics of her and would be proud to display them in our home.
You rock, Fast Eddie.
All of these are part of the many reasons I love hearing your opinion. Is there anything you haven’t done?
I’m not sure, do you have any suggestions? 🙂
Here’s a link to a short essay about our skinny dipping experience.
Those were the great old days.
Try not to go nude in Alaska too often. The mosquitos are huge and the waters are leech infested.
What a great essay! It is sort of weird how squeamish adults are about touching each other – and I do wonder how much more empathy we might have toward each other if it were less of a taboo.
To start, that first guy sounds like an immature jerk. The reason you take pictures/postcards of places you’ve been to, even the ones you’ve been to a ton, is because those places are ever changing and the pictures serve as a record of how it was when you were there. Taking pictures of her body locks in her beauty at the time the photos were taken and that beauty can never deterierate (so long as the photo exists at least). Moron.
Secondly, as a guy I won’t deny that I love looking at pictures of women in sexy lingerie—especially if they’re well done. But I think this is something that you need to tread very carefully with.
I don’t think that this is something you should do for a boyfriend. There simply isn’t any guarantee that the relationship will last and I think giving access to these kinds of photos of yourself (especially if they include nude or topless shots) to someone you’re not married to could come back to haunt you some day. Better to play it safe I feel.
Now if you’re married to someone and your thinking of giving them as a gift, well I’d say it depends on the personality of your husband. I’m sure some men would love to be suprised with these kinds of pictures of you, but I personally would NOT want to be suprised with them (and suprise is the key word here). If this is something you’d really like to do then I would strongly recommend you discuss it with your husband first. I know that I would want to be there for the photoshoot to make sure it’s safe and all that sort of stuff, and you can be damn sure I’m reading the contract to make sure the photographer does not retain any rights to the photos.
I’ve never been in this situation before, but I know I would hate to be suprised/blindsided with the thought that someone else was taking intimate pictures of my wife (or GF) without my knowledge or consent and I can easily imagine myself getting angry about it. Sure it’s technically your body, but I’m supposed to be the only one with access to it since we’re in a relationship/married. And I don’t care how good or professional he is, I’m not open minded enough to allow a male photographer to take pictures of my wife/GF. Sorry, but no, not going to happen.
As for the idea of the photos in general, I do think that it’s fairly romantic. I can imagine myself being 50 or 60 and having a set of photos of my wife back when her body was young and looking super hott/firm and really appreciating it. They would be fun to look at every now and then when enjoying retirement together.
Again though, I think suprising your S.O. with them is a dangerous idea. I’d talk to him about it to gauge his feelings on it. Now if you had some done before you and I got together and you gave them to me after you felt you could trust me with them, well in that case, sweet.
P.S. If you’re going to do it then you have to have some shots of you wearing garter belts and stockings, so sexy! Corsets and stockings are also a smoking hott combo.
As I mentioned below, I want to do this for myself, not him. I just thought I’d give him the pics too. And I would not be nude, just wearing lingerie. Oh, and it’s a female photographer.
Even if these photos are mostly for you, I still think you should run it by your BF first. You don’t want to have a fight about this later on down the line. And another reason to run it by him that I didn’t mention in my comment is that he might have some ideas for the pictures. I know if I had a GF/wife that was wanting to do this I’d like to be able to have some say in the types of poses taken and what she’s wearing. There are no doubt certain poses that he likes to see you in or certain types of underwear. Don’t deny the guy the chance to help customize his GF’s sexy photo shoot!
“Even if these photos are mostly for you, I still think you should run it by your BF first.” So he can say yes/no or like a headsup?
Well depending on how serious/old their relationship is, I do feel that the guy deserves some say in the matter. It’s my personal philosophy that if a decision you’re about to make has the potential to have a decent positive or negative impact on your SO’s feelings, then it’s best to discuss it with them first. He might not care, he might love the idea, he might hate the idea, but I feel that she should mention it to him that she’s thinking about having some taken.
If he’s the type that would love the photos, then like I said above, he’ll probably have some ideas to contribue or requests that she wear a certain item/pose a certain way. If she has them taken he might feel upset about being left out and not being able to watch or contribute.
If he’s the type that would hate the photos, then it lets the LW know that and start thinking about what’s next. If she has them done without his knowledge and if/when he finds out about it, not only will he be angry that she had them done in the first place, but he’ll be doubly angry over the fact that she did it behind his back and there WILL be a fight. I doubt she wants to be in that sort of position. Talking about it before hand would give her the chance to warm him up to the idea and hopefully avoid a fight.
Odds are he’ll either be into the idea or indifferent anyway, but I feel it’s [mentioning something like this ahead of time] a matter of respect for your partner.
It’s my personal philosophy that if a decision you’re about to make has the potential to have a decent positive or negative impact on your SO’s feelings, then it’s best to discuss it with them first.
Yup.
“I’ve never been in this situation before, but I know I would hate to be suprised/blindsided with the thought that someone else was taking intimate pictures of my wife (or GF) without my knowledge or consent and I can easily imagine myself getting angry about it. Sure it’s technically your body, but I’m supposed to be the only one with access to it since we’re in a relationship/married. And I don’t care how good or professional he is, I’m not open minded enough to allow a male photographer to take pictures of my wife/GF. Sorry, but no, not going to happen.”
I can’t echo this enough. Is the concept of these kind of photos intriguing to me? Sure, because (1) as a straight male, pictures of scantily clad beautiful women are going to be a turn-on to me, and (2) I think my fiancee is absolutely stunning clothed or unclothed, so (1) + (2) seems like it’s even better. Yet if this was something she was thinking of, I’d ABSOLUTELY prefer that it was something we talked about beforehand so I could at least get comfortable with the idea. I mean, it’s not really a possessive, “I’ve planted my flag here, so no one else gets to go there” kind of thing for me, but the idea of having any photographer, male or female, sit there and snap photos of my fiancee in various stages of undress would make me a little uncomfortable, and I’m not sure I personally could get past that.
What is the difference between “I mean, it’s not really a possessive, “I’ve planted my flag here, so no one else gets to go there” and ” the idea of having any photographer, male or female, sit there and snap photos of my fiancee in various stages of undress would make me a little uncomfortable, and I’m not sure I personally could get past that.” ?
The territorial trend I’m seeing among the guys is creeping me out a little.
Word.
I think guys are just naturally territorial (again, speaking from own experience). It generally doesn’t cause a problem for me as long as we can talk it out. And he doesn’t go around punching people. I admit to being a bit territorial myself.
Me too. It makes me want to go home and kiss my husband (who’s very okay with this) and thank him for not creeping me out. haha
Amen. I’m planning on getting these done for my upcoming 7-yr anniversary with my guy. It will be a surprise, though we’ve discussed boudoir photos in the past and he’s definitely cool with it, even if it’s a male photographer. I didn’t outright ask him, we just discussed the idea of it since I wanted to see if it’s something he’d truly enjoy getting (tho how could he not?! haha). I suppose I didn’t want to tip him off by directly asking. He can be kind of oblivious so hopefully he won’t realize what I’m up to. 🙂
That’s exactly how I approached it too. I fished around to see if he was interested in them, by talking about our friends that had done them, but it’s going to be a surprise. Good luck with your pictures!! I am so, so excited to do it. I’m sure your husband will love them!
Agreed. “Sure it’s technically your body”
What do you mean “technically”? It is. My BF and I have mutually agreed to only share intimate moments with one another, but he in know way technically has any say over what I do for it, and I can “technically” revoke his access (and he can revoke mine) at any time.
I get what Brad is saying about being considerate about your partners feelings about others seeing you naked/in a sexual light, but the language was a little creepy and possessive.
I’ll admit that I could have worded that a little better as it comes off douchey. What I was trying to say was that just because it’s your body doesn’t mean you should make decisions with it that might affect my feelings without at least talking about it with me first. Forget the pictures for a moment. Let’s say the discussion was about breast implants. I think the point would be the same thing. I think you’d owe it to your husband/bf to talk to them about it and see how they feel about it rather than just doing it and coming home and shouting surprise! Yes It’s your body and you have the ultimate say in what happens to it, but it could affect the feelings of the person you love and that should have an impact on your decision making process.
To be clear, I don’t equate surgery with the same degree of weight as getting pictures taken, I was just using a different example to explain a point.
Brad! that new example makes it twice as worse and even more douchey! haha. Its all this yes, its your body/but not really,your man cares about it too, you owe it to him! eww.
I disagree, I can totally see where he’s coming from. Is not about asking permission for what you’re “allowed” to do with your body. It’s about showing respect and consideration to the person you’ve chosen to share your life with, and takng their feelings into account in a given situation.
Yes. It’s all about respect and consideration. When you are part of a committed relationship, you are not allowed to make unilateral decisions anymore. What affects you affects him, and vice versa. What if you really hate tattoos and your guy decides to go out and cover himself with them? It’s his body, he can do it if he wants to, but how would you feel about it?
Absolutely. I don’t see this at all as a feminist-rights issue. It’s about the individuals involved, and their respective comfort levels. If he’s into it, awesome. Go for it. If it makes him uncomfortable, maybe find a compromise you can both be happy with, or find another way to make yourself feel sexy and empowered.
Take out the sexually-charged, it’s-my-body-and-I’ll-do-what-I-want aspect of the equation, and look at it like any other mundane, every day decision. Like, I really like how this brand of laundry detergent smells, but it makes him itchy, so maybe we’ll try this other one instead, so we can both be comfortable. Haha.
I don’t disagree that in a relationship, there should be respect and consideration. And I’m not faulting any guy who is uncomfortable with the thought of his GF or wife being photographed in a sexually suggestive way. I can certainly understand that, and a guy would have every right to voice his misgivings.
What bothered me was some of the specific language that come across (inadvertently or not) as controlling or possessive. Specifically, “not without my consent” or “sure its technically your body, but”. A guy can have an opinion, and voice that opinion, but there’s nothing that gets my hackles up then hearing that kind of language about a woman’s body from men. I think its been made clear that this wasn’t the intent, but it still bothered me.
Sure, I can understand that. And I can definitely relate to the language choice. I frequently have a hard time expressing exactly what I’m trying to say, and can come across in a way I didn’t intend.
I guess my feminist comment was that I don’t think those types of things should be gender-based, but rather based as one human being to another. I agree with what you’re saying, I just think it goes both ways, regardless of gender.
^ Yes to ele4phant. I think it was just the wording that skeeved me out a little. And I didn’t mean to start any controversy or anything with my “territorial” comment, because if you’re not comfortable with something like that, then whatever. That’s fine. But on the other hand, maybe examine exactly what it is that makes you uncomfortable, and see if it’s coming from a “healthy” place.
I think if my (imaginary) boyfriend wanted to have pics taken of himself in his underwear, the thought that the photographer also saw him in his underwear wouldn’t even cross my mind.
I very much agree.
I mentioned this a while on here, but I’ll share it again. My boss’ wife told me she was waiting to go dress shopping (for a wedding they were attending together) until my boss could go with her and give his ‘ok’ to the dress. I of course was taken aback wondering did I just get sent to 1950. I politely asked why she couldn’t go alone and pick out one she liked. Her reply has stuck with me ever since. She said there is one person who will be at the wedding that she wants to think the dress is pretty on her-her husband. (She said it better than I am, but the point is the same). I just thought this was a very sweet thing to say/think. Aside from picking a dress I totally hate or one that makes me uncomfortable, I only want one person to think I’m pretty too.
Oh sure, I’d agree with that. Discussing things beforehand with your partner, discussing how it may affect the relationship, and considering your partners feelings on such things are all good things. However, I do get a little fired up when I hear language coming from guys that dictates what women should or should not do with their bodies (the current political situation is not helping), or seems to connotate an ownership over her body – not that was your intent, but it did kinda come across like that. I’m all for communication and being considerate of your partners feelings, but at the end of the day, her body is her body is her body. And if she wants to do something with it you don’t like, ultimately it her decision to make, with whatever potential consequences to the relationship.
“the current political situation is not helping”
I’ve refrained from commenting on this thread because the current political situation is making me super reactive when I read anything remotely indicating a man thinks he can tell a woman what to do with her body. I’m really flipping mad about what’s going on in our country!!
Brad, I’d like your insight to a follow up question I posted in regards to this whole thing at the bottom of the comments. And any of the other guys (or even girls) that weighed in.
I agree that it was worded very badly, on Brad’s part, but I think he was just saying it would be nice to talk about it first to see if everyone is comfortable with it. And if he isn’t and you still want to do it, you definitely should. Then it’s just up to him, if that is a deal breaker or not.
“And if he isn’t and you still want to do it, you definitely should.”
I understand it would be nice to to talk about it first, but this is also where I land in my own thought process. So you’ve had the conversation with him/her, they object and you go through with it anyway then they have much more claim to power in the “I asked you not to/its my body and i’ll do with it what i want to” ensuing argument when in reality is it your body and if you want breast implants because of x,y, and z you should get them. If it’s a deal breaker then I guess he/she didn’t buy the whole it’s my body thing after all and I wouldn’t want somebody around who thought they had that kind of power over me.
“If it’s a deal breaker then I guess he/she didn’t buy the whole it’s my body thing after all and I wouldn’t want somebody around who thought they had that kind of power over me.”
Or, using your example, it’s a deal-breaker because he doesn’t like women with fake breasts, and since you now have them, he’s not as attracted to you anymore. After all, we regularly tell LWs on this site that it’s perfectly reasonable for someone to end a relationship because he/she is no longer attracted to their significant other due to weight gain / lifestyle choices / career choices / etc. No one told you not to get fake breasts, but you also can’t get fake breasts knowing your significant other dislikes them and then demand he stick around, as that would be the same lack of respect you’re arguing he would have for you.
Well, not your example, but Brad’s. My bad.
Definitely! Glad someone else noticed and is disturbed.
Really? It makes perfect sense to me. There’s a difference between talking about it to “ask permission” from him (NO) and talking about it to make sure both parties are comfortable with it. I really don’t see this as a dangerously possessive train of thought at all. For instance, I would NOT want my boyfriend to go strip naked for some other woman to take pictures of without at least knowing about it first and hopefully either being present or kept “in the loop” about the proceedings. It’s not about giving permission or not, it’s about being respectful of something that could potentially bother your SO if you *don’t* talk about it first.
I think part of this debate is the distinction between the mindset of ‘strip naked’ and boudoir shoots which are often done with lingerie on, not really naked at all. Also the idea that the pics are about being ‘naked for some other woman” is not really true. Its not for the photographer at all. Its by/for the person who is getting the pictures taken. And Guy Friday didn’t say anything about talking about it first, he said the whole thing would make him uncomfortable, presumably talk first or not.
It’s irrelevent who the pics are “for” if they’re going to be seen by someone else. Sorry, but that’s how I see it. And I know that photographers and professionals don’t see their models in a sexual way, but that doesn’t make me 100% comfortable with it either. And I was responding, I guess, to the wider thread about guys being “possessive” in regards to this topic of other guys seeing their SO’s naked. Just saying that I get that mindset, I don’t see it as necessarily something that’s bad.
Its kinda weird to me how some of the female DWers are saying they would do this FOR their bf/husband, however, would not even be willing to consider his feelings on whether or not he’d be comfortable with this.
I think what the LW said is that they were for HER first and her partner second. In that case I would have issues (and I think thats what other DWers are responding to as well) with my partner telling me I could not do it as something for myself, or that I would have to ask about it first. Its my body and if he doesn’t want to see the pics at the end, ok. his loss.
I was talking about the actual commenters saying they’d be doing it for their SOs. Not the LW who said she’d be doing it for herself.
Even still though, I really think its a stretch to be offended by the idea that your serious SO has a say in who you get naked/close to naked in front of. I see it as nothing but considerate to his/her feelings to run it by them.
Totally agree. I think some of the people here are reading “the worst” (super controlling, possessive, dangerously jealous-type) into the guys wanting to know what’s going on.
I guess for me personally this scenerio is somewhat hard to imagine, as I have no interest personally in taking these kinds of photos. However, what rubs me wrong is the assumption that the guy gets a say in if it happens or not.
Should she let him know beforehand, out of consideration? Sure. Does the BF/Husband have a right to dictate whether or not it can happen, particularly if the main reason she wants to do them is to have memories for herself. Um, nope.
Yeah, I’m with you SDG. I hadn’t really thought about how much it might bother a guy to have another person taking those kind of pictures – I’m glad the guys are being honest here and I don’t think they’re trying to be possessive at all.
You don’t see a difference between a guy saying “No, you can’t, because you’re my girlfriend/fiancee/wife/etc. and I forbid it” and saying “I’m uncomfortable with the idea”? Are you trying to suggest that I’m not allowed to be uncomfortable with the idea of my significant other wearing sexy undergarments while someone else is taking photos of her? Yeah, it’s the someone else part that bothers me; I’m not pretending it isn’t. I’m not willing to prohibit someone from doing it, but I am absolutely within my rights to say that it’s something that I would prefer my significant other not do. Granted, I should have excerpted Brad’s comment a bit more carefully, because I too don’t agree with the “Sure, it’s technically your body” comment (no, it’s totally her body), but I thought it was pretty clear I was echoing the part about not wanting to be surprised with that kind of thing.
Look, the LW asked men what they thought about it. This is what one man (me) thinks about it. None of us are ordering the LW or any other woman not to do it; some of us are saying that there are some things that are good surprises for us and some things that we’d rather talk about first, and this is one of those things that fits in the latter category, at least for my personal situation. Then again, I know my fiancee well enough to know that she would never surprise me with said photos because she feels the same way about it that I do, so it’s largely an academic argument as it pertains to me, because I’m not going to be in that situation (as I don’t plan on divorcing my soon-to-be-wife.)
You’re totally allowed to be uncomfortable with whatever you are etc. but the way your comment came off, here you say you’re not going to forbid it but above you say ” I’m not sure I personally could get past that”-makes it sound like a deal breaker no?
You’re correct in interpreting the second half of my original comment as implying it might be a deal-breaker for me. I still think there’s a difference between me ordering my fiancee not to do it and me thinking it might be a deal-breaker for me, though. The former is me trying to tell my fiancee what she can and can’t do with her own body; the latter is saying that doing that might have the consequence of a reevaluation of the relationship.
Put another way, my fiancee can do whatever she wants with whomever she wants whenever she wants, but as in pretty much every relationship I know of, every choice she makes is going to have the consequence of making me feel somewhere on the spectrum from “wildly happy” to “wildly uncomfortable/unhappy/[whatever term you want to put there].” And the same applies for my choices and the effects on her. Granted, the vast majority of choices she makes are going to fall on the “no particular opinion” portion of the spectrum; it’s not like I’d break up with her if she chose to eat a salad instead of a hamburger 🙂 But choices have consequences, and I know I always weigh the potential consequences before I do something, and when I don’t know how it’ll affect her, I ask, and I don’t think it’s unfair to ask that she do the same thing for me. So given the discomfort I stated above, if she did it despite my discomfort, I can’t sit here and honestly say “Well, I’d just be thrilled, and I wouldn’t consider walking away,” because I might. But I also can’t say I definitely would walk away, because context would be incredibly important.
I hate to make this comparison, because I really think it cheapens the whole abortion debate to compare it to a couple of photos taken, but for lack of a better analogy that I can come up with at the moment to explain my general position: it’s like abortion. I 100% believe in a woman’s right to choose, and I would never support legislation outlawing abortion. But if my fiancee got pregnant and told me she wanted to have an abortion, I certainly would try to talk her out of it, because I wouldn’t want to lose our potential child, but I wouldn’t (and couldn’t) stop her from doing it if that’s what she wanted to do, because it’s her body and her right, and I’d drive her there if she asked me to and I’d make sure she was OK after. But would I stay romantically involved with her if she aborted our child? Honestly, I don’t think I would be capable of doing that, because her choice to do that would crush me.
I think it’s fine to compare to abortion, because it’s a personal issue within a relationship. It makes me think that this entire debate is about fundamental views (about bodies) that should be discovered before getting serious! No one is wrong to be concerned about his/her partner’s choices, but you should be like-minded when it comes to how much influence/say each other has. Many women don’t know what we will do in the case of an unwanted pregnancy, but I would suggest you only get serious with women who are pretty darn sure they wouldn’t get an abortion. Just like I would not want to be with a man who thinks I need to get his approval in with him before making bodily decisions.
I’m not for a second implying that you would do this, so don’t misunderstand, just giving you potential information for how I’m seeing it and maybe why your opinion makes me feel a little uncomfortable. So I’m not innocent enough to doubt for a second that the vast majority of my straight male friends has pictured me naked at some point. There’s not a thing I can do about that. However, I will occasionally dress a little provocatively for a party or just because I’m in a particular mood to wear something that makes me feel attractive. Nothing lingerie-like, but maybe something short, something low-cut or something a little tighter than usual. I also know that my guy friends find that *more* attractive because they comment on it. Not anything out-of-line, just “Damn, girl, you look great,” or something like that. Their comments usually make me feel good, although occasionally someone will step out of line and make me a little uncomfortable. By association, I sort of assume that the mental image of me in a particular outfit probably ups the chances that I might be filed in the masturbatory Rolodex.
I would assume – and hope – that you’re of the mentality that I shouldn’t have to clear any and all clothes I wear with my boyfriend before I leave the house. That’s crazy, and it wouldn’t ever happen. And yet, how is that different from getting pictures done by a male photographer? I’m saying most men don’t need to see a woman in lingerie to have fantasies about her in lingerie, so if the photographer seeing your fiancée in lingerie is uncomfortable, how is having her around any man comfortable?
“I shouldn’t have to clear any and all clothes I wear with my boyfriend before I leave the house.” No you don’t. But I do expect you to submit your application to wear a thong in a timely fashion.
Well played, sir.
And this is where I was coming from earlier painted_lady. I’ve had stuff happen like have a sexual dream about my buddies girlfriend. I don’t see her in that light at all, but for some reason my brain decided to think differently.
Honestly, I would like for men to acknowledge that my wife or girlfriend is beautiful or attractive. Not flirt with her, but acknowledge that she has good taste in the wardrobe that he put together. I don’t want to be with a super model, but you get the idea. Her getting compliments like that does make her feel good. Not the I’m going to cheat on you with Tom, but I was a little on the fence about this top, but if Tom says it looks good, and I respect his fashion sense, then maybe it really does look good on me.
A woman wants to feel good and I think a compliment from the boyfriend or husband about every single outfit will become stale after a while. Hearing it from someone you aren’t romantically involved with does put a bit of a spring in your step. My first girlfriend would look stunning in certain outfits and I loved it when guys or girls would compliment her on it. I could see how it made her feel and it also made her feel that much sexier when we got back home.
I love that perspective – it’s very much how Painted Dude and I deal with the other getting hit on. I consider it a compliment to my taste in men. Honestly, if I was the only person I knew who found him even remotely attractive, I would wonder a little bit. Not enough to make me change my mind about him, but still. It’s often a sort of verbal foreplay when we’re headed home after a party or a night at the bar that “You were getting checked out like crazy.” We both enjoy having a partner that other people would like to go home with 🙂
A month or so back, he walked me to rehearsal, and a bunch of my actors were standing outside the theatre chatting. I got immersed in a conversation, and as PD walked off I realized some of them hadn’t met him yet, so I introduced them. One of my dancer boys laughed and said he assumed that I didn’t just pick up random attractive men on the street to walk me to the theatre. PD overheard and continually jokes now about how much he enjoys hanging out with that particular actor.
If you can’t have fun with it then what’s the point. Innocent flirting is harmless, but once inappropriate things are said or hands start to roam, that’s when I start having an issue. Outside of that, lets just have a good time.
I”m shocked that so many of the guys are uncomfortable with this! The thought of running it by my husband to make sure he’d be ok with it never would have entered my mind.
Same here… I figured he’d be thrilled.
And he probably would/will be, but again, it’s someone else having access to an intimate part of his wife. Probably wouldn’t be an issue if it’s mentioned ahead of time, but it probably would be an issue if it was done without any notice.
Would this also apply to me (a female in a relationship) changing my gynecologist, physician, personal trainer, dance partner, etc. to a male who I would see repeatedly and would be touching more intimate parts of my body? As opposed to a photographer who I would see once in my life and presumably not touch me much. Are these things that guys feel the need to discuss? Also, how is significantly different than say, wearing a bikini at the beach?
I can tell you my -male-OB/GYN has touched me in ways I´ve never been touched before (especially when my 10 m.o´s head got stuck when she was coming out) 😀
Ah, the miracle of life.
IDK, I feel like this isn’t exactly the same thing. Who you chose to have as your medical provider is so much more complicated than chosing someone to take pictures of you.
I can understand. I mean, I would feel the same way if my fiance went and took those kids of pictures without running it past me first.
I think the difference between the men and women here is that the men are acutely aware of how they use photos like that and so they don’t want those photos to be out there for just anyone to get their hands on and don’t want a male photographer to have that access and don’t want any photographer to keep the photos on a computer somewhere.
I’m a woman who is doing it for my husband, and I was extremely aware of how these pictures are used. I volunteered with my friend (male) who is a photographer and it’s not like he’s some guy who keeps these pictures to pleasure himself too. He’s also a respectful photographer that photographs babies, weddings etc. These photos are not used in a distasteful or gross way, unless you’re paying some seedy guy or girl posing as a photographer that is really just a perv with a camera.
You’re not in the NY area, are you? Bc I could use a recommendation for a good photographer to use for my boudoir shoot!
I’m not! I’m in Boston now, but my photographer lives on the Eastern Shore of MD where I used to live. I would look through some wedding sites for reccomendations. A lot of brides get them done before the wedding and love to review vendors and even write their own personal experiences with each photographer, so that could give you a good sense of what each photographer is like in NYC before you even reach out to them.
Thanks for the info!
I’m not really bothered by their language/attitudes here. ::Shrugs:: I am fairly old-fashioned. And I like the idea of the man I love being a little protective over me. Generally, only him, my Doctor and my roomie (we’re best friends and occasionally she’s seen me do half-naked mad dashes while getting ready) can see me naked.
I’m definitely “pro” the sexy boudoir photos. I can definitely see the beautiful art in them. And the romantic gesture. But, I don’t disagree with the guys who say it would be good to clear it with your significant other first. If I can avoid making my boyfriend feel uncomfortable- I do. No, he doesn’t own me and what I do is ultimately up to me. But, he gets to have an opinion since I feel our lives are very joined.
I don’t see it as a man being dominant over a woman thing. Because- I’d want to know if he planned on being naked for some other woman (not his Doctor).
Some sentences, for example “Sure it’s technically your body” should not be followed by “but”.
I’m not saying you should feel glad that your wife hired a male photographer to take sexy shots of her and didn’t tell you, that’s your business. But “I’m supposed to be the only one with access to it since we’re in a relationship/married” sounds a bit possessive, specially taking into account that no one’s talking about having sex with the photographer. Is she supposed to discuss it with you before wearing a bikini too?
What about changing in the girl’s locker room?? Do I need to ask before I do that, too??
It’s not the same thing. That situation has no context of sexuality and there’s no record of it being made.
haha. this is hilarious. Tell any gay person that locker rooms have no context of sexuality and they’ll tell you you’re really missing out!
Haha, as a queer lady, locker rooms have NO context of sexuality for me. They’re the same kind of uncomfortable, possibly unsanitary places that they are for everybody else.
That said, my partner and I have talked idly getting boudoir photos— why not? We think they’d be lots of fun! Together or separate, either is fine by me. I care most of all that she’s comfortable with the photographer and that she wants them. I’d be surprised if she’d brought them home without mentioning them, but I’m certainly not going to get jealous of a photographer looking at her. But we both have theatrical backgrounds and know that photography is not going to be sexual (unless it’s Terry Richardson. Then I would definitely not be comfortable!)
Right, and like no one gets turned on by girls in bikinis on public beaches (or shock! even pictures they’ve posted of themselves on facebook).
Seriously, are you telling me you’ve never had a fantasy about a random woman out in public who wasn’t being sexual intentionally? My boyfriend has seen everything I have like a million times and he’s gotten turned on before when I wear jeans he likes. Why is it women bear sole responsibility for whether men are turned on or not?
“Why is it women bear sole responsibility for whether men are turned on or not?”
Because YOU chose to leave the house not wearing a burka and because cleavage and sashaying hips are hypnotizing. 🙁
I wish you could see me. I’m totally trying to seduce you with my ankle.
I’m reporting you to the moral police.
Haha! nice
I wouldn’t hop on a stripper pole in front of other people if I were in a serious relationship unless my SO was cool with it. I don’t see the picture thing as any different.
I think its just being considerate.
Just because sex isn’t involved doesn’t mean that you should be showing your nude/scantily clad body to someone else, who happens to be armed with a camera, without your husband/bf’s knowledge. If being against that idea makes me a little possessive, then so be it. It’s not an attitude/belief I’m ashamed of. I don’t feel that it’s an unreasonable expectation that when your in a monogamous sexual relationship with someone that your partner has a certain expectation of exclusivity to your sexuality. Is anyone going to care if someone happens to see you naked in a changing room, or a doctor seeing you in the performance of their job? No. But private photos of you nude or semi-nude either dressed or positioned as to intice thoughts of sex, well that’s a whole different story. Heh, I’m not advocating a chastiy belt or anything like that.
I agree with you Brad! I definitely would want my man to feel this very same way!
you’re* /sigh grammar fail.
I agree as well. I feel that way about a man I’m with.
You bring up an excellent point about the photographer retaining the rights. You certainly do not want those photos out and about without your knowledge. I agree with the rest of your answer, too.
I understand your perceived discomfort at having your wife/GF being photographed by someone else, and that you’d appreciate a heads up…but you do kind of sound a bit controlling in needing to be there and oversee everything.
Do you not trust your wife/GF to fully vet whatever photographer she chooses? Do you not trust she’d have the brains to figure out if the photographer retained the rights to the images, or if she needs to have them signed over?
If you’d want to be there because you’d like to share that experience with her, but do you really think if she chooses a reputable, professional photographer that specializes in bedroom shoots she would be in an unsafe position or need your protection, or that she’d be too clueless to be able to sign a release and make her wishes known about who owns the rights?
It’s not a matter of not trusting my wife/GF, but a matter of me not trusting the world. No woman would knowingly go into a situation where she knows that she’s going to be pressured/blackmailed into going further than she wants to or getting raped, but it does happen. Just because I’m confident that she would do her research and pick a good photographer doesn’t mean that she couldn’t get tricked into something shady. There’s nothing wrong with having an extra layer of protection. Having a nearly 200lb guy along would reduce the chances of something like that happening. And it never hurts to have a second pair of eyes to read over a contract, right?
But for me personally, if I was in this situation the protection aspect is really only secondary. My main reason for wanting to be told and for tagging along would be to watch and help pick out the underwear she’s getting pictured in. That sounds like it would be a fun afternoon.
I’m with you on this Brad. I mean contractually speaking, I’d rather have lawyer friends I look over the contract as well because I want the photos to be MINE alone. If I ever did it, and thats unlikely but I do have to say that some tasteful semi clad pregnancy photos would be nice. I also understand that the price would be higher if the photog can’t use the pics in their portfolio. Even if its a woman, who all is she going to show it to? Potential clients who may or may not be people I end up knowing.
Yeah exactly. I would want to be able to read over the contract myself. I’m a contracts administrator by trade so I have to review contracts about every day at work, and that’s experience I’d think my GF/wife would want to use to make sure that her image wasn’t being put up on some website with no legal options to remove them.
My husband and I go into pretty much everything from surgeries and other medical care to home repairs and remodeling together. We’ve found that we ask different questions and remember different details and get a much better idea of what we’re doing and find it easier to make a decision if we go into it together. Having your partner with you when you interview someone doesn’t mean that they don’t trust you, it means that you’re in on it together and can make a decision together.
That sounds more protective than controlling to me, honestly, which I think is a subtle, but important difference.
Thumbs up x 1000
I find it to be more infantilizing than anything. I can take care of myself, thanks.
Word. There’s being concerned for your loved one and wanting them to be safe, and then there’s needing to try to shield them from any potential danger, despite them being fully autonomous grown-ups.
Case in point, my beloved commutes on a cycle daily in a town where there isn’t a great biking culture. Its terrifying. But do I demand he stop, or demand that I get to drive behind him to “make sure he’s safe”?
Nope, he’s a grown-up, he understands the risks, and its his call. Do I tell him I worry at times? Yes. Freak out if he’s home an hour late with no phone call? You bet. The world is a dangerous place, in many ways, but we get to make our own decisions when it comes to our own personal safety.
If a woman has down her due diligence in researching photographers, talked with several beforehand, checked out the studio, gotten references and feels comfortable, then back off. She’s not a child.
If you want to go to share the experience, or share in the fun, then by all means go! But don’t think you get to be her body guard in all instances.
I think it’s a little naive to compare that situation to getting boudoir photos taken. You can’t deny that craiglist murders exist right? I mean it would be foolish not to have your guard up when you solicit someone to take your pictures half naked.
I think there’s a difference between a women soliciting a rando on Craigslist to take bedroom pics and just showing up and stripping down immediately, then a woman who takes several days or weeks to research multiple photographers who have a professional studios that are visited BEFORE getting naked, plenty of references and previous reviews, a portfolio that can be looked through to see the type of work they have and can do, has a conversation about what she’s after and what’s she’s not, and maybe looks up them up on the BBB website. In other words, does her due diligence.
In no way am I advocating a women just find someone, anyone, to take her pictures and strip down the instant she meets the supposed photographer, and expect to be safe. That would be stupid. But if a woman does her research, acknowledges that risk may still exist even if she’s taken every reasonable measure to ensure this isn’t a predator bait and switch, she doesn’t need her boyfriend to oversee the session for her safety.
And quite frankly, far more cyclists are killed than women are by random craigslists killers (or professional photographers for that matter), so statistically speaking I have far more reason to be worried about my BF than someone should be about getting killed by their photographer.
Sorry to have to tell you this, Brad, but photographers retain the rights to the photos they take for non-commercial purposes, but you own the right to your image.
So if I took a photo of your wife/girlfriend and wanted to put it in an art show or enter a contest, I could. But if I wanted to sell it to a company to put on a billboard, I’d have to get her permission. On the other hand, if your wife/girlfriend wants to sell her picture to a company to put on a billboard, she can’t – the photographer is in control of how the photo is used. In the same vein, if you buy prints from a photographer, you can’t legally make copies at home.
Most photographers, though, will have you sign a release so they can hold the right to use your photos for commercial purposes – like putting them on their websites, etc.
That may be true for typical photography contracts, but you can have contracts where the model retains full rights if both parties are willing to sign it. Would be a hard time finding one of course but it legally possible.
Just pay a little more. Its do-able. I have a lot of photog friends an sure they’d be a bit out of sorts but $$ talks.
I’ve been wanting to do a photo shoot as a gift to myself. To celebrate ME and give myself an opportunity to feel beautiful. And as a bonus, I’d obviously give my boyfriend the pics. I don’t want to take my clothes off in the pics… they would just be lingerie shots.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback guys! I was so surprised by the younger guy’s reaction, I had to stop for a minute and think wait… maybe I shouldn’t show the pics to my boyfriend?? It’s interesting to hear what others think about it.
As I mentioned in other posts, the photographer is a female and I’m going with one of my best girlfriends, she’s doing my hair and makeup for me. Does that make any difference for the guys who feel territorial or concerned about somebody else seeing their girl in her undies?
Men… just to give some context to the type of photo shoot… this is the style of picture I’m talking about. Do you still feel that a female photographer shouldn’t see your gf/wife looking like this without talking to you first?
BTW, I don’t necessarily agree or disagree with what most of the dudes here are saying. I understand where they are coming from. I’m just honestly very surprised! I’m wondering if they are thinking of a different kind of photo shoot than I’m thinking of. I guess it doesn’t matter though. Again, thanks for the feedback!
Yes and yes. Yes I was thinking of something more provocative than that. And Yes I’d still want to be there to watch and help pick out outfits!
If they could get me to look like that I´d book now!
Thats a boudoir pic?! Honestly I pictured something like a girl in a bra and underwear. Or no bra but holding up her cleavage or something.
Well, I looked at the photographer’s portfolio and there were girls with pics like that. Lots of topless pics with girls holding their breasts. But I’m not really interested in getting naked or nearly naked. I would love to see myself in a sexy bodysuit like in the pic, or in a garter belt and stockings, or in a white dress shirt with lace panties or something. That’s my personal idea of sexy.
I second the garter belt and stocking! Hell yeah. If you’re wanting to give the photos to your BF then get some shots taken if you can wearing some red lingerie and not release those with the others but instead save those for Valentines day next year.
The more you post the more I am seeing this as a fun ‘gift’ especially when he’s allowed to participate. From the clothes picking, to the actual way I’d look with the makeup and lighting and the whole he gets to have sex with a ‘model’ after angle. Hmm.. maybe for the right guy I’ll have to rethink my stance on these pics…
Heh, I’m glad I was able to offer a point of view that doesn’t make you feel like I’m chasing after you with a chastity belt.
And yes it would be run to RP being the sleezy photographer taking advantage of his model afterwards.
fun*
OK – if that is what it entails for you then there is no issue for me with the gender of the photographer. haha…I definitely had something WAY more scandalous in mind…but that said…I agree with Bagge that if it were FOR me I would also prefer a cell phone pic of my hypothetical gf only wearing my tie…
Shots like that look like glamour shots to me…..when I think Boudoir I think massive amounts of topless / cleavage and ass cheeks abound…but yea if that link is the look you are going for I would consider that harmless.
I think you would really have to ask your BF if he feels that way, because you can see from this post that some people are comfortable with it, and some aren’t. If you don’t want to ask him directly because it is a surprise for him, then just say to him “so and so wants to do this for her BF, do think he would be weirded out by it?” If it really is for you then asking him if he is comfortable with it should be no big deal at all.
Well, the pics ARE for me, however I’m not the type of girl who would go ahead and do something that makes my bf uncomfortable because “too bad so sad it’s my body and I don’t care what you think”. If he was genuinely weirded out by it, I would want to take his feelings into consideration, since I would hope he would do the same for me in any other situation.
But when I was asking the question, what do guys think? I thinking like, do they think it’s really sexy or would they be bored by it like the younger guy said. I’m just shocked by the “it would make me uncomfortable” response.
My short answer to your question was yes I think it would be sexy, and I think most men agree. We’d just like to be there/included in the discussion ahead of time rather than being suprised by it.
Ah I see, then I personally would think a picture of my fiancee, naked wearing only one of my ties waiting for me to come home, that she just took with her phone would be sexier! I mean I would certainly act like it got me all hot and bothered, but that is pretty easy to do, especially if it gets you some, but in my mind, I think I would just be Meh about it.
But in the realm of “risky business”, that one is SO much riskier. An accidental forward, your or her phone gets stolen or hacked, you throw it out when you get another one without erasing the harddrive, your shitty friend borrows your phone to call his wife and sees it and sends it to himself and all of his shitty friends — and its out there and there is no getting that back. Unlike the contract-bound and bonded photographer.
Sexy cheeseburger costume…that is all.
Confession–I have always wanted a picture like the carl’ jr ads. Burger an a bikini. Hopefully this summer I can get that pic 😉 Some lather is ok, but no water-i’d slide right off the car!
My opinion is that, with the probably exception of models who are used to wearing little or nothing in photo shoots, getting boudoir photos done is an incredibly courageous thing for anyone to do. It doesn’t much matter what is or isn’t worn… the nature of the shots is such that you bare more than you normally would, and you are doing so to be sexy.
If someone did that for me, I would appreciate the photos as appealing images of someone I loved… but even more so, I’d appreciate the courage of the person who did them and the trust shown by sharing them with me.
I’m surprised too! I had about four friends do this for their husbands/fiances and they all were extremely excited about it and they were all surprises too. They all come from a variety of backgrounds, some pretty conservative, and the consensus opinion was a very loud “Hell Yes! “
Whoops that was supposed to be a reply to Michelle.Lea. But I appreciate your perspective so much! It’s nice to see a guy that gets the empowerment of it
I have to say I’m really surprised and the guy comments.. Having had pictures taken myself several times in my life, I’ve never had anyone say it’s something they wouldn’t love to have from their wife/SO. though 90% of mine were taken by me, and not an outside photographer.
The only thing that stops me now from getting professional nice ones is how much it costs :/ but I can honestly say aside from that, my fiance would love it!
So…does the younger guy only have sex with women once and move on then?
And why wouldn’t you want photos or a postcard of a city you know really well and love?
This younger one sounds really…restless. And easily bored.
He also only visits cities once, wears clothes only once, only has the same menu item once, never listens to a song more than once… it must be exhausting. And expensive.
Well, I’m not a guy, but I am recently married and plan on surprising my husband with some boudoir photos for our next anniversary. I say “surprise”, because he knew I wanted to do it before the wedding but our budget went a little over so I had to wait.
I think all the guys that say they would be freaked out about it if it was a surprise, have never been to a boudoir shoot before or any photo shoot for that matter. I was an assistant for a friend of mine ( a male) a few times and it’s extremely professional and not at all “scandalous”. You’re very rarely ever naked and covered up in some kind of way, unless you want to go partially nude and you’re comfortable with it. In the case of a male photographer, there’s usually an assistant to help the woman feel comfortable, and it’s much more a focus on angles and lighting, and not maybe the “Penthouse” style pictures you may be thinking of.
I’m a pretty button up person and so is my husband but the thought of doing something fun and sexy for him is something that will keep the spark alive. Believe me, when you’ve been with someone 6+ years anything and everything you can do to keep the sexy alive is important. My husband brings it up often and wonders if I’m ever going to do it. And honestly, it’s more for me than him. It’s a reminder I’m sexy. And at home photo shoot with poor lighting and amateur photographer just doesn’t make me feel sexy, it tends to highlight things I’d rather see airbrushed or disguised with fancy lighting haha
IMO you’re better off taking the photos yourself, and having some fun with it. I’ve never seen an example of ‘boudoir’ photography that I’ve liked. That’s not to say that there aren’t photographers who can take good erotic photos, but they don’t seem to be the ones offering ‘boudoir’ packages.
This is something I would love to do (ever since I saw the Marilyn Monroe ones), but probably would never get the courage to.
I think if I did ever do it, then I would surprise my husband with them.
I’m so surprised with the comments from the guys! For reference, I just asked my BF what he would think if I surprised him with professional pics, and he said he’d be thrilled. I mentioned that some of the men were uncomfortable with the photographer being a man, and he replied: “Well, assuming the photographer is a true professional and has references, and you didn’t like, contact a random pervert on Craigslist….why would I care who took the pics?”
So to the LW….there are definitely a lot of men that have a different opinion on this! 🙂
I think that there are also a lot of men who feel obliged to go along with this because of the reaction that you see here. There is a reason that boudoir photography is marketed to women and not men – they’re not trying to get men to purchase these packages for women, they’re trying to get women to purchase them for themselves.
I agree! Even if I wasn’t thrilled with the pictures, I would tell her I was, if she surprised me with him, because I know that is what she is looking for. My guess is that not all of the men that said they were thrilled with it really were. I don’t think girls really know how much guys tell little white lies to them, because they know they are looking for a certain answer, and it is just not worth the hassle to always tell the truth!
Well that’s it – what the hell are you going to say?!? No dear, I’d prefer not to see you naked? Because that’s how it will be interpreted.
It’s trap, laid by skeezy photographers, and women are their unwitting accomplices 😉
I am not a guy, so I can’t offer any male POV but I don’t find this ‘trend’ all that shocking or scary. I mean a lot of us have stated that we like a heads up before our guys go to strip clubs, why does he not deserve a ‘heads up’ before we take (expensive) personal and intimate photos of ourselves. IDK.
But another thought I have is that photos today are so touched up that I don’t think the person in those photos is ME. I mean sure I get that models and professional photos are photoshopped and airbrushed. I mean the pics objective is to sell me something. I know that models don’t actually look like that image I see in a magazine or what not. So carrying that same logic I don’t really know how I’d feel seeing some pics of me that have been airbrushed/photoshopped/lighting manipulated etc. I don’t look like that. So why preserve forever an image thats NOT an accurate representations of myself? Personally I prefer old school film type cameras( with the dark rooms and all) than the DSLR cameras and the man made images they produce. BUt thats just me and my views on photography. I also know that I’d always look at those images and it would confuse me because while I know I didn’t really look like that now, it’d make me sad about how much i’ve aged and lost the looks (that I technically never even had) I know that is more of my issue though
I’m with you on the last one. When I think of boudoir photos myself I think of the old school varity that are in black and white. I’d prefer those more than the ones like playboy. I feel they’re more artistic without making them seem less real. Wouldn’t mind some in color mind you, but I’d want at least a portion of them to be in black and wife if my GF were to ever go get some made.
I think they’re tacky. If you’re long distance, or if your boyfriend is deployed, go ahead and send some sexy pictures. But I think the whole professional photographer and photoshop and all of that is just icky.
If he’s deployed I’d wonder if he is going to show my pics to all his army buddies.
I would also be wondering if the photographer, would be showing his or her friends the hot piece he had in for a photoshoot, no matter how professional he was, or if he would be using it in his portfolio or not.
I am friends with a photographer and he has texted me some nude model pics. He’s a horndog and while I can appreciate the artistic aspects I know he’s using them ‘for personal reasons’ that alone is just EW for me.
Yeah that’s why I wouldn’t be comfortable with a guy taking them of my wife/gf. I’m sure most of them are professional and not like this, but I’d be paranoid about the idea of getting that one who is 😐
Thanks for saying this…I know a lot of people want to believe the “But he’s a professional!!” mantra…
Some of them sure…but not all…and you have no control over which kind of person you are working with as I highly doubt the skeevy ones give any inkling that they are skeevy about their “portfolio” when they are shooting your pics.
As a rebuttal to those up in arms about the majority of the guys here feeling uncomfortable with a man shooting these pics…it isn’t about control it is about what two people view as respectful of the relationship. I wouldn’t want to change someone’s mind about that or tell them what they can and can’t do and I believe you get a sense for what people’s comfort levels are with their partners sexuality during the “courting” phase…at least if you do you due diligence on getting to know someone…to call someone creepy for being more sexually conservative than you is a little overboard.
For example, I wouldn’t be laying on fluffy pillows in front of a fan to simulate wind blowing through my hair while sporting Calvin Klein ball hugging briefs in front of a female photographer for the male version of these….assuming I had the body of a Calvin Klein underwear model (which I don’t)….it’s personal preference and I’d prefer a girl that would be uncomfortable with me doing that just as I would be uncomfortable with the reverse situation…fortunately for future gf’s of mine I’m not against posing seductively in front of male photographers ;)….but I better get working on that six pack first…
Agreed! Yeah that guy is professional alright…I mean sure he is trained, works for a fashion magazine and does side work both on his own and assisting a well known celeb photographer. I’m sure he comes off as VERY professional but the fact is he has lascivious intent.
“to call someone creepy for being more sexually conservative than you is a little overboard.”
YES.
I mean I know I’m a slightly my mind goes wild sometimes, and when I’m with a guy I think he’s the bees knees so OF COURSE anyone else with a pulse would want him. That image Budj painted of the calvin kleins…haha I would want a few couple pics for sure.
“to call someone creepy for being more sexually conservative than you is a little overboard.”
It’s not about being more sexually conservative; it was the undertones of “You’re MINE and no one else can look at you!” vibe that I thought was creepy. I didn’t mean to start shit.
I think you started a good debate! The ‘sexual spectrum’ for lack a better term is one of those things that couples who can agree on are better off IMHO. I mean I grew up in a very conservative culture and can romanticize the possessiveness of it a little bit, but again if he is more conservative an she is not, there are bound to be issues that crop up.
Yea – unfortunately for guys (and I don’t really care that this is the case) you need to be a pretty perfect specimen to be able to pull off a legitimate mostly-naked-while-still-being-sexy picture. The reality is not a lot of guys have that type of body, haha….so guys don’t do these things because they end up on “awkwardphototypewebsite.com” unless they are in the 8-13% body fat range with at least a little muscle on them…and I have no desire to end up like this guy:
Oh look–I found your sexy photo: http://mediaserver01.stockfood.com/wmpreviews/MTIxODExMTc=/00937009.jpg
Just kidding Budj 😉
Haha, Budj, pretty sure you can manage to look better than George.
My guy looks pretty damn amazing in just a pair of boxer briefs. However, I can only imagine the poses and facial expressions that he would use trying to be “sexy” and it makes me giggle just thinking about it 🙂
Because I’ve seen quite a few of the guys mention that they’d want a heads up on this prior to it happening, I’m curious if you’d want a heads up in general or just if the woman isn’t sure how the guy feels. For example, my husband and I have discussed this a few times before and he is all in favor of the idea and as long as its a female photographer. So, do you (guys) think it’d still be necessary for me to bring it up to him as a heads up, or do you think our previous discussions are enough?
Nah, probably not. Wouldn’t hurt to mention it to him again though and ask if he’d like to come. Do you think he would want to go and watch? Would you be able to relax and/or feel more safe if he was there? If not, then you can go for it. Just make sure someone knows where you’re going (address), what time you’re expected to arrive and depart, and your cell phone has a good charge.
Since he can’t really go right now (I was thinking of having them done as a welcome home present), I was going to ask one of his good (female) friends to come with me. Maybe I’ll bring it up again just casually and see if his reaction has changed.
If you do get them done before he gets home then you could tease him by sending one of the more tame photos of the bunch with some sort of playful message like “there’s more where this comes from…but you’re going to have to come home to get them…xoxo”
That would be awesome. I might have to do that. A little teaser!
Why his friends and not yours? (Just curious… I think I’d feel super awkward quasi-naked-ish in front of my BF’s girlfriends, posing; definely more so than my own friends.) Personally, I wouldn’t want anyone else there except the photographer and staff. I’d want to play “model” (think Tyra-eyes) and I’d be too self-conscious that someone I knew was watching me do it.
I think the previous discussion should definitely be enough. I mean my SO doesn’t even have to ask me directly if she wants it to be a surprise, because I would give my opinion about it if she asked about it for somebody else, and then I’m sure she would find out that I’m not really all that comfortable about it.
I’m…not a guy, but that hasn’t stopped anyone else so far! I’ve read the follow-up comments from the LW, & I feel like boudoir shots would be a nice surprise if you’re like “oh, I got these done for myself, I’ll toss you a couple.” Who wouldn’t like that? And if his first instinct is to be like “Whaaa, who took these???” you have a ready reply of “Oh, a FEMALE photographer, I went with my best friend as a thing to do for ourselves” or something like that. I do get where some of the guys are coming from– if my boyfriend (for some reason?) suprised me with shots of him shirtless in a field (uh yeah, what would boudoir shots of a guy look like?) in tattered pants (…I don’t know…) I’d wonder under what circumstances he got them taken.
Also, if you’re already in the habit of sending him racy cell phone pictures or something, he might not be AS stoked for classy boudoir shots? So keep that in mind, I guess, if his reaction is more along the lines of “Oh cool, I guess.”
i think brad or bagge (i can’t find it again after reading through all the comments!) mentioned just bringing up the idea casually in conversation about what he thinks about it. because i don’t think it’s about your body being his domain that’s the issue it’s like a couple other commenters have said, it’s about mutual respect in the relationship. I also think the photographer you choose is a big deal as well. Are you going to a photographer who may or may not use your images on their blog, etc? I know I have a friend with a small photography business (who is female) who is doing this for a handful of my friends from high school. They drew up a contract that each party signed stating that the pictures were for personal use only and could choose whether or not she posted them on various social media sites. I think when done the right way they are very tasteful and a good gift for your SO. My point being if it’s done in the right way and you have a general consensus from your SO that they’re ok with the idea in general, I’d go for it. I can honestly say if my husband did this for me I would be kind of taken aback at first. Just because it is a big deal (for some people, not all as we’re seeing!) to get naked (or partially naked) in front of someone other than their SO.
I would probably advise any woman not to get those photos taken, but I am absolutely paranoid about them getting out. I have a friend who totally trusted her husband, was with him for 10 years … and she found out much later that he “traded” copies of her photos for copies of those of another woman. Yuck.
Is anyone else grossed out by the phrase “sexy times”? So gross. It’s so babyish and just … eew.
I’m probably in the minority on this, but I’m not really worried about potential boudoir photos (which wouldn’t be nude, just lingerie) “getting out.” I’d be fine with the photographer using them in his/her portfolio too. My career is in a creative industry so it wouldn’t affect me professionally, which is the only thing that would worry me about having them taken. To each their own, I guess.
I feel the same way.
I’m not a prude by any stretch of the imagination – I work part-time in the theatre so I sort of can’t be – but I unfortunately *have* to be worried about where pictures of me end up because I work as a teacher. I hate that part of my job; I’m not allowed the same private life as someone who, say, works in data entry. I fortunately work in a school district where we do get something of a private life – I’m working on a show right now where half the cast is naked in one scene, and running into a student at Mardi Gras with a beer in my hand a few weeks ago wasn’t a big deal given that I said hi, asked how she was, and went on my merry way, but I’m pretty sure they’d draw the line at naked pictures.
See, I wouldn’t have any pictures taken that I would feel mortified if anyone else saw. Sure, it might be awkward for certain people to see me scantily clad, but I’d imagine most would be tasteful enough that the I wouldn’t feel violated. But, that said, everyone has their own level of comfort with this kind of thing. I’m not super shy about my body.
The whole trading photos is totally skeezy though.
I’ve talked about this on another post before, but yeah, I’m totally in “not paranoid” camp in regard to sexy photos “getting out.”
I do agree with you on the phrase “sexy times” though. It just sounds like euphemistic Cosmo bullshit, not anything a person in real life would say.
I think its a cool idea and I’ve always wanted to get pin-up style pics of myself taken, for me. Especially for when I’m older and not looking so hot! 😉
I too am surprised by the young guy’s answer, and some of the guys on here who seem so possessive/jealous about this. These aren’t nude photos we’re talking about, these are provocative yet tasteful professional photos. Of women in lingerie or sexy clothes, yes, but taken by a professional photographer. Not some skeeze from her office or class. What difference does it make if its a male or female? Do you have an issue with your girl wearing a bikini as well?
I understand the need to feel considered, to have you feelings taken into account, but its not like we’re talking about X-rated porn pics here!
This is why I was so surprised. I was talking about porno pics. I mentioned nude because I know in some of the pics girls may go topless and hold an arm across their breasts, but other than that, no nakedness. Maybe I should have been a bit more clear about the type of pics I was talking about in my post.
Yeah, I am also surprised. The amount of nudity is completely up to the girl, but boudoir pictures are by no means the “spread eagle style Penthouse pictures” some people may be thinking. It’s more like underwear dress up. My friend did the entire shot in her husbands jersey and a pair of boyshorts. She’s more naked on the beach, where any perv can snap her picture!
wasn’t talking about***
I’m highly suspicious of anything that has the term “Boudoir” in it.
I would worry of my future grandchildren finding them and laughing their rear-ends off at grandma.
My grandmother had them done and I think she looked beautiful. If anything, I respect her daring as a young woman doing those kinds of photos back when it was less acceptable!
Not a guy but as a lesbian I’m going to say close enough. I would absolutely not have any issue with it. Perhaps it’s because I trust my partner completely. I may not trust all the world, but I trust that my partner would be respectful and most importantly be safe. She’s an intelligent, capable woman who has the right to make her own decisions and I trust that she will take my feelings into consideration without me asking for it. I don’t think she needs to ask my permission or give me a “heads-up” because it’s her body and she’s not doing anything that is going to actually affect me. If she wanted surgery, then yes, I would appreciate a discussion before hand; but only because that’s a major decision that can affect her health and I would also be taking care of her. That would actually affect me. Sexy pictures wouldn’t, except my libido 😉 .
I love how this thread has turned from some guys, just wanting to be asked about it first so they can let their SO know that they are uncomfortable with it, to now we are creepy guys who think that you girls can never see a male doctor, wear tight pants in public, can’t walk across the street with out a helmet, and their hand being held, and you have to ask permission to wipe your butt, because your hand might see your ass naked. This is why I love the DW community, because it is very entertaining to see how somethings gets interpreted! That and everyone is pretty good friends with each other so they give people a chance to explain themselves before completely flaming them!
Was that last sentence sarcasm? haha
Just a little bit!
I think it might just be the times we’re in right now making everyone a little overly sensitive. I could just be projecting of course because the attack on women’s reproductive rights in our country right now (in twenty-fucking-twelve!) is fucking mind boggling. I refrained from commenting above that “IT’S MY BODY GODDAMN IT FSDLDGDKL!!!” because I was fairly certain that was my response to the world at large right now, and not my response to the guys saying they’d like to be communicated with should their SO decide to get boudoir photos. Someone above likened it to wanting your man to mention if/when he’ll be at a strip club, which I think is very apt. I could give an eff if my guy goes to a strip club, but I would like to know he’s going. It’s about respect, not control.
and somehow in both of these situations its women who are getting naked. with respectful permission on both sides, haha. woohoo male gaze!!
“and somehow in both of these situations its women who are getting naked”
AKA, win/win
She’s just rightfully pointing out that it’s women’s bodies that get objectified in our society. Think about it. You don’t see nearly as many billboards/magazine spreads of half-naked men as you do of half-naked women! I can’t even think of a situation where a woman would have occasion be uncomfortable about their guy being potentially objectified (not that I see boudoir photos as such, but that’s a larger conversation…).
That ‘think about it’ bit reads a bit condescending. My apologies! I didn’t mean it that way.
“I can’t even think of a situation where a woman would have occasion be uncomfortable about their guy being potentially objectified”
I couldn’t agree more, haha….is it weird that I think that’s not fair? I want to be able to be objectified…either the grass is always greener or I have weird underlying issues. 🙁
It’s ok, Budj- I’ll objectify you!
OOHH BABY. You looking soooooo fine! I don’t even care about your personality or your intelligence quotient!! YEEE-OUCH!
How’s that?
Um, if you took some cool pics in (Clean, fresh smelling, because even if its a pic I’d still wonder) football pads, and no undershirt..and the tights. And fine you can be holding a giants helmet. I’d objectify you in heartbeat
Well there are other ways to objectify people. It’s not only about appearances.
Here’s the thing – if someone wants to have these photos taken for themselves, then they should go ahead. But it’s hypocritical to scold men for having an opinion on the matter, and then try to shame them into approving.
There is/was a Michael Kors billboard next to my building in Times Square with a (possibly naked) girl reaching into a guy’s tighty-whitey style underwear. I don’t remember whether or not she is naked because she is REACHING INTO HIS UNDERWEAR. 4 stories high! Try walking by that with your 65 year old male boss.
Yeah I agree, and I was just trying to lighten things up here a little bit with my last comment, because I like a lot of the posters on here, and it’s good that for the most part we can disagree on something one day, and then the next day gang up on somebody else, because they are wrong. Who’s turn will it be tomorrow!
And just so we’re clear here, not all of us guys agree with bagge72. I’m in the camp that as my wife or GF you need my permission to wipe your butt. An unwillingness to obey this is a deal breaker.
Well I told her she could do it, as long as she wore a glove so her hand wouldn’t see! Comprimise = winning!
I’m in the “only I can wipe your ass for you” camp….
As in you better only go #2 at home…or you’ll be walking around with poo pants all day at work.
Hahaha that is aweome!
The poo pants comment made me die laughing at work. Which is bad because if my work finds out about DW, its going to end up on the blocked website list with facebook, twitter, yahoo and for some weird reason t-mobile.com.
This is actually pretty funny. I meant to include in an earlier comment, and forgot, that I really liked the guys’ perspective on this one. Everyone had their own views, but pretty consistently just wanted open and honest communication. Which is the answer to, what, like 99% of the other letters?
Who says women are hard to understand?? (not being judgmental, I’m guilty of this too!)
Guilty of being inconsistent at times, that is…
haha, yeah I have women figured out! Example: I planned on buying a new TV yesterday, without telling my fiance, because she always says no, and she was out of town, but I was scared, and ended up telling her, and she ended up being ok with it…eventually. See I have her figured out.
Pssssht. You totally could have broken a connector or something right before she got home, and let her think she broke it. And then you act all reasonable and understanding, and she’d feel so guilty, she’d run out and buy you a BIGGER tv. Sucker.
Ha Bagge I was thinking the exact same thing. This discussion sure got outta hand pretty quickly.
I’m a female and I mostly agree with asking first if you don’t know how your SO would feel. In my case, I know how my SO felt about it, so I just wanted to know if I should bring it up again as a refresher heads up. 🙂
Ooo your new Avatar is awesome! English bulldogs are the best!
I find this topic interesting. While I have never had professional photos taken (I have taken a few myself that I sent to a boyfriend who lived hours away) I am a pole dancer. When I perform (NOT strip) I am usually pretty scantily clad and I always wonder what potential boyfriends think about it. I am entirely sure that I have met men who would not date me because of my choice of extracurricular activity but I have also dated guys who were totally cool with it (or so they said). While I am not going to give up what I love, I would at least discuss it with any future signifcant others. I have also always invited boyfriends to my performances so that if they wanted to “keep an eye on things” then they could.
If you’re pole-dancing for exercise or competitions and not stripping, then I don’t understand what the problem is? I could certainly understand an objection to dating a stripper (I doubt I’d be able to handle it either), but not just practicing the sport of it where you never get topless. I have no personal experience, but I’ve heard pole-dancing is pretty tough workout, so you must be in good shape if you do competitions.
Some people have a hard time differentiating between stripper and pole dancer. While in general I do keep my top on (wardrobe malfunctions have been known to occur now and then), people see the pole, the shorty shorts and the 6 inch heels and assume that it’s just a hop, skip and a lap dance to stripper. I’m pretty used to it at this point but I do wonder occasionally if it scares men off.
I like to think I’m in pretty decent shape. Pole definitely helps with upper body and core strength, along with flexibility. It also in general toughens you up. You get used to being bruised and falling every time you try a new trick. You should try it! Men who pole are hot! They’re also mostly gay…but still hot!
Another pole dancer here, woot woot!
I performed for the first time this past January for a crowd of over 100 people at my local studio, wearing a sports bra (two, actually, to prevent the wardrobe malfunction issue you mentioned below) and bathing suit bottoms in a boy-short style. That’s my typical pole uniform. While I have nothing against strippers, I personally would never dance nude or topless, not even for my husband. I hear you on the bruises the pole dancers endure, to which I’d like to add, there are some parts of my body I really don’t want bruises on! Plus, even when performing, I dance for my own satisfaction, not for the sexual gratification of others. That takes all the fun out of it for me.
My husband is totally cool with me pole dancing. Might be because my best friend (a close mutual friend to both of us) was doing it for a year before I caved in to curiosity and joined her, so it’s not like I took this up out of the blue, he had plenty of exposure to it (and I can say on the flip side of that, I never had issues with him seeing my best friend scantily-clad and poling, even before I started up). He even mentioned recently, without a note of sadness, how he’s become desensitized to the sexyness of pole dancing. He brags to friends sometimes about the hot ladies that come over to his house to pole, but honestly, he never watches us unless one of us drags him up out of his man cave in the basement to see this new trick we just learned. 🙂
And he was totally cool with me performing, too – he was actually out of town for it and had zero qualms about me performing in front of a LOT of other men. If he had objected, I probably would have reconsidered, but I’m glad he was cool with it because it ended up being such a liberating experience for me (bye-bye, body-self-consciousness!) and I would hate to have missed out on that. Plus my routine was more technical than sexual.
Manda, I think you’ve got yourself the perfect litmus test for potential new boyfriends. If he can’t handle you poling in front of others, maybe he’s not the right guy for you. Not saying it should be a total dealbreaker – compromise can be reached – but if it’s important to you to be able to perform pole no matter what you’re wearing, then you need a partner who can take it in stride. Not to mention one who really understands the difference between athletic/balletic pole and stripping.
Sorry if this is the type of questions you hate, but I honestly had no idea pole-dancing was thing, separate from stripping (in my head, not all strippers get naked/topless). Where do you perform? Do you get tips? Is it a competitive sport?
Not a guy, but my fiance regularly wants sexy photos of me. I sent many when we were in a long-distance relationship, but on the other hand, he lives with me now, and still wants them. So, I think it’s probably something that many guys are into.
Am I the only one who feels like this wasn’t really completely answered? I know that my SO would be fine with the pictures being taken (and if he’s not, he can blow me) but the real question is does this make a good gift? Do guys even care for them, or is it like “Oh, cool.. thanks for the olds.. what am I supposed to do with this?”
My friend did them for her husband as a wedding gift and he loved them. I talked to my husband about it last night (after reading this mess yesterday), and he seemed very into it!
I already married my woman for 3 years. But I believe that seeing her boudoir photos will be incredibly sexy (she wouldn’t do that though).
But to take that kind of picture will be almost impossibly in my country (pornography law and low number of trustworthy photographers. Some years ago a celebrity are captured and goes to jail because his personal sex movies are leaked in the internet).
And If I find her boudoir photos at my office table/computer, all of other male will try to snatch/copy it without my permission (again living in country that jack ass are a plenty).
So it will be just a wishful thinking for me then…
This discussion yesterday prompted me to talk to my husband about it last night. Going into yesterday’s discussion I was shocked that so many men would take issue with the photos, and were getting posessive- Maybe that’s just because my relationship with my husband is not like that…?? Anyway, when I asked his opinion he thought it sounded great and would love something like that. He was also shocked that people wouldn’t be into it.
I think this is one of those issues where it’s “different strokes for different folks”- I know my husband well enough to know that those photos wouldn’t be something that would bother him, and truthfully, if he was bothered by something like that (done out of love for him/as a gift), I might not be with him, because we would clearly have different ideas of what was appropriate in our relationship.
I didn’t get the impression many men were against the ideas of the photos, just against the idea of being surprised with them.
So since he’s willing/interested are you gonna look into it?
Eh, probably not. I think I’d be too embarassed! But now that I’m thinking about it, if we ever decide to have kids, it might be nice to do before we start trying. Ya know, to have a reminder of what my body looked like before pregnancy!
My best friend and I did a boudoir shoot together at her house for her husband and my manfriend. (no pictures together, only separate for our separate guys) The photog offered a package where you could do this with your best friend and we are very comfortable together) It took a few glasses of wine to get comfortable, but she went first and I went after her. Our guys loved them! Her husband was aware of what was going on, but it was a surprise to my manfriend for our anniversary and he thought it was great. No nudity, just pretty night gowns and bras and a t-shirt from his alma mater. It was great for me as a woman, though, because it is a HUGE confidence booster. I felt more beautiful after the shoot than I did before, so I consider it a win-win all around. He loves the pics and has a framed one on his dresser, and I get pictures to look back on when things are sagging 😉
p.s. the bff and I have a deal that if one of us dies before the other, we have to go get the pictures from their house before their children find them!
Sounds like great fun to me, as a middle-aged married guy, but I suspect most wives so uncomfortable with their own bodies that actually trying it could backfire and produce the opposite of the intended result for her. Why do we have to be so different?
We’re too old to be in this situation but I’d have to agree with the answer from the older, committed male.
Richard
Guy, long-term relationship – Eh…I would be happy if my wife enjoyed the experience, but wouldn’t do much for me otherwise.
Why? They’d feel ‘staged’ and ‘artificial’ to me and wouldn’t capture what I love about her. A picture of her enjoying her experience at a beach (or wherever) would mean more to me.
I would love to be surprised by my wife presenting me with boudoir/nude photos. I have a couple of amateur photos of my wife that I uploaded to my phone for when I travel. We like the idea so much that my wife and I decided to do a nude-at-50 couples photo shoot–Deborah will be 50, and I’ll be 51. Although neither one of us look 25, we do keep ourselves physically fit. The hard part for us was not the idea, but picking a photographer capable of making us look our best. Lots of photographers advertise boudoir photography, but their portfolios are thin and 2-dimensional. We probably won’t use the photographs for Christmas cards, but we will display a tasteful black & white of our naked butts in the living room. :-))
As a guy, I don’t have a very strong opinion either way. But I lean against the idea.
A women I’m in a serious relationship with – my wife, perhaps – is going to get some Playboy style pics of herself taken and give them to me? I’d rather she posed for me than for somebody else. Some other guy, perhaps. And – not to be indelicate here – what do I DO with them?
Ok, that’s not indelicate at all. I think this is exactly how I feel like my boyfriend would feel! Like, it’s cool to have sexy photos, but what WOULD you do with them? Put them in a drawer for them to eventually be discovered by someone during a move or something? I feel like giving this gift would be an express trip to awkward city. Playing together with a Polaroid might be more fun. And then the pictures are cheap and there’s no pressure to keep them around.
My wife and I have talked about it, and I told her that I would love to have those kind of photos taken as a gift for me. That said, I would never demand it, and she doesn’t seem to be on board with it, which is fine with me. She is 46 and still looks very good!
Mid 40s guy married 10+ years, with 2 grammar school age children. Qualifies me as “older (and committed)” no doubt. I would love for my wife to do this (and she’s my age), and have even asked her, but she doesn’t want the pictures around, so it is not going to happen. She did some modeling when she was younger (early 20s)(not supermodel stuff, “just” local), before I knew her, and I hate those pictures. She doesn’t get that part, but to me those pictures aren’t of the woman that I married.
No, negative, nada, nyet.
I think they are embarassing for the photoee. Too desperate…
“I was surprised by the difference of opinions.” It’s a stunning revelation, isn’t it? Apparently, all men aren’t alike. It’s almost as if they’re individual human beings with unique perspectives on the world, just like women. Who knew?
Married guy here. I think a lot of men would think about boudoir photos in the same self-contradictory way they think about women’s sexuality in general. On the one hand, they’re turned on when a woman does something to promote her sexual image, and on the other they’re turned off by the woman’s loss of “innocence” or “purity.” I’m sorry we’re so stupid about it.
But then when I think about all those women who are drawn towards a “bad boy” over the nice guy they’ve always claimed they wanted, I don’t feel so bad.
We did it. Or she did it. About six years ago. Before she got pregnant with our first.
She went to the photographer alone. And was very nervous.
Our first look at the photos, in a restaurant, was a highly erotic time. We could not believe what we were looking at.
My wife is gorgeous. No regrets about the photos. Three now hang in our bedroom.
I say do it. Our photos are art. Not porn. We captured a moment forever.
But a few male friends of mine have seen them and stared a little to long. I don’t like that but a little jealousy is probably not bad for a relationship. I think my wife likes that I still think she is hot.
Open your eyes, unless you are in the one percent of straight men that DONT like pics of beautiful women!!
I am a 58 yo, married 28 years, and like the idea.
discretion says no.
a very nice gift, but not one for a brief relationship. the central appeal is voyeurism-something which porn, especially internet porn, conditions us to respond towards. if boudoir photos are out, then we shouldn’t even mention outright videotaping.
still, what the guy wants…
best alternative to appeal to growing voyeuristic nature of men:
mirrors. this calls for preparation, as you will have to figure out what positions give the guy the best view, given the mirrors you own.
the allure of a boudoir photo is that you can see the girl, at a distance. like strippers, like playmates, like the first time they saw you.
everything they see and like about you, other than your face is getting viewed at less than 3 feet of viewing space. They want to ogle you, but they can’t. Mirrors are better than boudoir photos, because these are the images they’ll(actually, you) seer in their minds.
if you want to share in your hubby/boyfriend’s voyeurisistic neurosis, you can do better than photos, becuase you’ll be there ‘participating’ with it.
LOVE IT! And I love the idea of my lady on a pedestal, so to speak.
I can’t even imagine a guy not liking this, unless maybe he’s creeped out by the photographer seeing his girl. Personally, every man I know would be all about it. We’re visual creatures and what could be better than OUR woman being the alluring, sexy siren that turns us on.
WE get our lady captured at her sexiest, YOU get to be idolized object of desire. This is win-win!
I’ve talked about this with my long-term girlfriend. I’m an amateur photographer, and I would one day like to do a boudoir shoot between her and me. We haven’t yet, and she’s very insecure about her weight, so she doesn’t seem to be too keen on doing it in the future. I’m fine with that (you can’t be too careful about racy pictures of yourself, especially in the internet age). So with apologies to Seinfeld: It doesn’t offend me as a man; it offends me as a photograher.
I have known my wife for 20 years. I’ve been an amateur photog for much longer. I started taking intimate portraits of her the first few months we knew each other. Most recently I took a set a couple of weeks ago. She was 23 when we met, 33 when we married, and today she’s 43 – the mother of a 6 and 8 year old. At each stage of our relationship she has been the most exciting, and beautifully woman I could imagine. She has always been a willing model, but a little ambivalent about the photos due to a lack of confidence about the look of her body. To me the folio is priceless. My tribute to the woman of my dreams.
James, yours is the best reply posted. I have boudoir photographs of my wife at 25, and even 25 years later, I also consider it priceless. I have one large print on the wall of my home office for all visitors to see, and I think it’s the best art in the house. I’m looking forward to adding a print of her at 50.
As soon as the relationship breaks up, the pictures will be posted on the Internet.
Just wandered onto this website, and skimming through the comments, found some interesting feedback from the guys. It’s kinda surprising to me that some mention feeling a little weirded out that another person took the photos of their significant other, or that such a thing should be talked about first, with some guys mentioning feeling possessive over a woman’s body. It’s especially interesting when I think about the age old strip club/lap dance debate where women are often labeled insecure or controlling for not wanting their significant other to have a lap dance, or to be physically around other women who are naked, even if it’s all fun and games. It’s kinda nice to see that men can react the same way women do in a different situation, but is there a double standard about women being possessive over men? It seems like if a man is a little weirded out over a photographer taking pics of his woman, that’s kinda cute and endearing to the woman, but if a woman is weirded out by a naked woman dancing on her man, that’s annoying and controlling… or is it not the same thing?
For whatever it’s worth, I’m a guy and I think it’s inappropriate for men in committed relationships/married to be getting lap dances from other women. I don’t think that the women that have a problem with it are being annoying or controlling. It’s a legitimate response/attitude in my mind. Seeing another women naked is going to happen depending on the types of movies and tv shows you watch and [probably’] wasn’t the reason you watched that show/movie. But there’s only 1 reason you go to a strip club, and it’s certainly not for the overpriced drinks or the decor.
And yes there’s a bit of a double standard on this one. But then there are lots of double standards out there that both sides have to deal with. I mean look at this kid for example: http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2012/10/ohio-student-suspended-for-growing-out-hair-to-donate/ Having a policy that long hair on girls is fine but is wrong for boys??? Pretty outdated and sexist policy. Aren’t double standards fun? 😀
This thread is almost a year old, but I’ll post my thoughts in case others have stumbled across it and want a recent opinion. If it goes unheard, at least I won’t be bottling up my reply.
CLARIFICATION: BOUDOIR DOES NOT EXCLUSIVELY MEAN NAKED, PORN, SLUTTY OR EVEN LINGERIE ONLY. BOUDOIR SESSIONS ARE “PRIVATE” PHOTOSHOOTS OF THE CLIENT(S) WHEN THEY FEEL INTIMATE AND/OR SEXY… WHATEVER THAT MEANS TO THEM. YOU CAN TAKE BOUDOIR PHOTOS IN FLANNEL, SPORTS ATTIRE, ETC. THE SESSION’S PURPOSE IS TO ALLUDE TO SEXUALITY HOWEVER YOU SEE FIT. THERE ARE MANY, MANY LEVELS FROM WHICH YOU MAY PLAN ACCORDING TO YOUR COMFORT LEVEL, DESIRED EFFECT, ETC.
#1: I did a Boudoir session for myself. “No one can love you until you love yourself!” Haha. Part of loving myself is feeling sexy on my own, taking risks, conquering fears, being my own person. Regardless of my SO situation, the session was for me and me only. I trusted my female photographer 100000%. That was most important to me. It might be more difficult, but I highly suggest going to someone who has been referred to you, someone you know, etc. A friend, a friend’s friend, family member… something. If this is a surprise for your SO & take your BFF would make you feel more comfortable… do it.. Simple. My photographer is my BFF’s mother-in-law and my trust for her overflows. I’ve thought about the outcomes possible in the future… grandkids finding them, online portfolio posts, someone copying/pasting, blah blah blah. You know what? And this is definitely my PERSONAL opinion- I took these photos because I wanted to, I was proud of my self-confidence/sexiness and my courage. If my grandchild comes across it one day… so be it. I wasn’t naked, no harm done. And you know, IF I was naked… they will be one day too, everyone gets naked. Hiding my sexuality does more harm than not. Online portfolio photos published? SURE! If I am THAT good enough that someone wants it online, that only increases my ego. Haha. Same goes for someone saving it onto their pc or something. It just really doesn’t matter to me. I know who I am. Those photos are not pornographic and I am very proud of them. It’s a feel-good decision that I do not regret at all.
#2: Later, I did another Boudoir session for my boyfriend/fiancé as an anniversary gift. I did not tell him at all! He had no clue. Again, I KNOW the photographer and have complete trust for her (VERY IMPORTANT). We were in well-known territory. I have complete trust knowing that I know who my SO is and what he stands for. & He trusts me, through and through. He knows I’d never put myself into an unsafe situation. I didn’t need to ask if this was something he would love because I just knew he would. That doesn’t mean that asking ahead of time is wrong. Every relationship is different. I am my very own person and I do not require asking permission for decisions regarding my body or my time. There are certain situations that require the respect of asking thoughts because of personal beliefs and views/feelings of things. I understand that. But, in OUR relationship, this is not one of those times. If I were disrespecting myself and/or our relationship, that would be another issue. When I gave him the gift of my photo album he seemed to glow for about an hour. He flipped through all the photos in amazement… mostly because he couldn’t figure out how I had planned it all without his knowledge. He was very pleased and said -& I quote- “I hope most guys are as lucky as me right now.” That statement was worth it all.
I highly suggest Boudoir photography if you’ve got that itch. Why not?! It’s your time! No matter your age, shape, sexy style or SO situation… it’s really such an empowering decision. Own your sexuality! Be proud of who you are! Love your photos!
Okay, I’ve gotta ask. I have booked a shoot for a Valentines present for my long-term boyfriend. He recently got out of the Marines, so I am using his hat as a prop and my “I love my Marine” tacky pink t-shirt, as well as some lingerie. He does not know about this at all, and after reading everyone’s comments I’m afraid he’ll flip. The photographer is a woman, but he can be the jealous type. This being said, we have both taken nude photographs and sent them to each other. Thoughts??
This is a bad case of monkey see monkey do. The camera is considered the male gaze and its lens objectifies what ever it falls upon. I find it interesting that actresses do not like taking these kinds of photos but people who stare at them through the male gaze think they do. So women who watch tv and look at photos are viewing the world through a mans point of view that the world is nothing but objects for desire and power. The fact that their hasn’t been a revolt but rather a fashioning to female taste, (women only watch other women cause they want to be desired like them), shows that people do enjoy being objectified. Think of how much an actress gets paid, and a lot of them will not do nudity, to appear partially nude and wearing flesh colored underwear for true art, then think of some 20 year old paying someone who takes pictures on their spare time to take their photo? This is not sexist the camera is called the male gaze.
I am a male photographer and I have shot several women for boudoir. The key difference is that my and I always shoot together. The women who have posed for us says it makes them feel better in having a man present as it allows them to put certain looks on their face that otherwise would be hard to do with just a woman photographer. Most were in committed relationships and their SO loved the shots and were comfortable with a male taking them. From a male perspective, I love having a photo book of my wife.
I got a boudoir book for my 30th birthday and that was it. In my opinion it was kinda lame. It would be a good Valentine’s Day gift or a great gift before we got married, but I would have rather received like an actual book you know a good novel. My girlfriend is hot, but it just goes to show how full of herself she really is. I see her naked pretty much anytime I want she has sent me plenty of nudes. I didn’t like the book. I could’ve used a new belt or something. That book will probably never be looked at.
My now wife got boudoir photos done in secret as a wedding night gift to me. I had asked her for nude photos early in the relationship (think cell phon text exchanges) and she refused saying only if she had a ring. After we were engaged I asked again and she said she meant wedding ring… So I assumed “okay she’s not okay with this at all” and just gave up on asking. She shortly later had these photos taken.
I actually HATE them. Not because she doesn’t look amazing and beautiful in them and they’re super well done… But because my desire was for the full experience of taking pictures of her myself, or the fun flirty text exchanges of photos, etc. By paying someone else a MASSIVE amount of money to take the photos to surprise me she had unintentionally robbed me of a major part of what I wanted in the first place. Moreover; I’m pretty open minded sexually (going as far as being open to a MMF three way with my wife), but a KEY part of that open mindedness is that I want to experience those things WITH my wife as a couple. The photographer got to enjoy the in person experience of my wife nude and I missed out.
I am by no means angry at my wife. She did something that was really hard for her on multiple levels just to make me happy; and I love her even more for it. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t cause more than one argument or even crying session from one or the other of us.. and it REALLY put a damper on the end of our wedding night.
My advice to any women thinking of doing this for your significant other; DONT surprise him with it. Make DAMN sure he is cool with this before you spend the outrageous amount of money these photos cost. With stuff that’s this intimate and personal; communication trumps a nice surprise.
Speaking as a mid-twenties woman, who’s on the kinkier side, but very monogamous, I think boudoir photoshoots are SO LAME. You can do classy photos that are far more erotic, and I think a guy would be way more into that. Show some nipple! Show both nipples! Be completely nude but shoot from an angle that hides a bit of it. Give him something that’s as titillating as an A-List celebrity starring in playboy back in the day.
I have no interest in taking soft, blurred photos with me giving doe eyes – I would like to have professional maxim style shots taken of myself before I hit 30 to give to my boyfriend, and for me to keep forever, instead of having to use my timer and years of creativity taking photos myself that look more professional but will never be the real thing.
Ideally there would be a market for shooting professional porn for couples as well. I want something we can watch together when we’re old and get off on how hot we once were.
You can certainly be a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets, and if you are one of those types, boudoir shoots just do not cut it. I would never do porn, as I am a very private person, but there’s nothing like taking inappropriate photos of yourself to get yourself in the mood.
If your boyfriend/husband isn’t cool with having another guy take the photos, tell him he can shoot you in whichever way he wants as long as he learns how to use a bloody camera first.
I’m a woman and I wouldn’t ever allow a photographer to take boudoir shots nor would I want them. I’d want my husband to remember why he loved my soul and my spirit, not my body. The idea of doing it for myself seems absurd, hollow, and narcissistic. Oh, and I wouldn’t want my husband to NOT be concerned about what I do with my body because it’s at least partially a vessel of our love and spiritual union. His concern is not controlling to me so much as protective, and I know the difference.
You do you, honey.
But…can’t he also love your body?
I don’t see how that has to conflict with him loving your soul and spirit. Can’t he love all three? Shouldn’t he love all three?
What is the difference between a soul and a spirit?
I sure hope my husband loves my body. I know he does actually. Being called beautiful, feeling beautiful and sexual does not make you less of a woman or person nor does it mean your husband doesn’t love who you are. If you think that sexual attraction isn’t the first thing to bring two people together then you are naive. Read up on why people chose who they do subconsciously. It really mostly boils down to procreation and your body choosing the right match for you genetically.
I also find my husband incredibly sexy. I stare at him while he sleeps with his strong shoulders and muscular arms and frankly it takes most of my strength to let him sleep. I also think (know) he is insanely smart, kind, loving, affectionate, funny…..
You WILL have problems in any relationship if you cannot accept your partner wanting your body and mind as well as wanting both parts of them.
I am struggling with this issue. On one hand I would love some boudoir photos of my +40 partner and mother of our 3 girls but… I question my desire as… is it not denigrating her as a sex object, exploiting her and undermining feminism? I know that she would likely feel uncomfortable having put on some weight and she tends to recoil and cover up quickly when getting changed or out of the shower. I think that she is stunning as when we first met and I would relish to have the opportunity to explore her further everyday. Is it wrong for me to lust after my love? I don’t think so, but she has to be comfortable and secure to do such a thing and it is not my place to make her or anyone uncomfortable about a photo and I need to respect her boundaries.
I showed my husband a tastefully done of a boudoir photo of me and he called me a slut. I was holding on showing him for months and now he thinks I’m sleeping around. He’s a very jealous man. Was I on the wrong?
When your husband is calling you a slut he is saying that he doesn’t respect you. This is bad.
The wrong happening here is probably the marriage itself. When you marry a very jealous man you have a very controlled marriage with lots of put downs and insults to keep you in line. I don’t think you can fix that.
Are you happy in this marriage? Are there children? Can you financially support yourself?
Often jealous mean will try to isolate you and keep you dependent so that you can’t leave.