“Should I Stay With My Boyfriend or Move Back Home?”
Recently, my boyfriend and I started talking about marriage and it has made me realize that I may be tying myself to a location far away from my family forever. I have talked about moving closer to my hometown but my boyfriend would hate to give up his job where he excels and makes an amazing salary. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place! I love my boyfriend so much, yet I can’t imagine living far away from my beloved family forever, especially since I want my future kids to have the same close family relationships I had. So many of my friends have moved far away from their families to make a life with their partner and have no problem with it. Am I extremely immature? Any advice? — Mama’s Girl
It may seen like you have a difficult decision to make, but it’s actually quite an easy one. It’s the consequences of the decision that won’t be so simple. But you have a choice: stay with your boyfriend and remain far away from your family for the foreseeable future — possibly forever, or break up with your boyfriend and move back home where you have the option of meeting someone new and eventually starting your own family close to the people you love. Either way, you’re going to be heartbroken, but it’s up to you to decide which option leaves you less heartbroken.
What you can’t do — or what I don’t recommend you do — is make your decision based on how other people have made similar decisions. It doesn’t matter if everyone you know has left home to make a life with his or her partner. If that’s not best for you, it’s not best for you. It doesn’t make you immature to have different priorities, needs and values. It just makes you you.
And speaking of priorities, needs and values, let’s not leave your boyfriend’s choices out of this either. I’m assuming he knows how important it is to you to be close to your family, and yet, he has chosen a career that takes him far away from them. So far, he hasn’t been faced with difficult consequences to that decision. You’re the one shouldering most of the burden. But what would happen if suddenly he were faced with sad consequences — if you told him that he either has to quit his job and move back with you to your hometown or risk losing you? Suddenly, the tables have turned and it’s not just your priorities, needs and values put to the test. Knowing where you fall on his list of priorities may help you make a decision — and deal with the consequences of that decision.
But in the end, it’s your decision to make. Your boyfriend can’t make it for you. Your family can’t make it for you. I certainly can’t make it for you. You have to weigh your options and decide which choice leaves you the least heartbroken and in a better position to create the future you’ve always envisioned for yourself. As difficult as the repercussions of that decision will be, the good news is that if your family is as loving as you say they are, they’re going to have your back and provide tons of support no matter what you decide. Good luck.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Great advice as usual, Wendy!
Ultimatums don’t work. This is clearly VERY important to you, so don’t begin this discussion with your boyfriend by saying “You either quit your job and move back home with me, or I move home and we have an LDR again or break up.” No one faced with an ultimatum usually choose what YOU want them to…it’s too degrading and disrespectful.
I think what you absolutely SHOULD do is this – sit him down and have a serious discussion about marriage. Ask him if it’s something he really sees, and if so, how far into the future he imagines it happening. Then, you have to tell him the truth. “It’s extremely important to me that we live near my family, and raise any future children in a close-knit environment. Are you willing to find a job closer to my family if and when we get married?”
Relationships are full of difficult compromises. If you two want to be together forever, then I think your’s should be waiting to move back home until you get married – that gives your boyfriend plenty of time to digest the change and for you two to make a solid plan together, as future legal spouses. His compromise is moving close to your family, because it means that much to you. I don’t think it’s immature for you to have this desire. I may not have the desire, and the majority of people may not have it, but it isn’t crazy to want to be close to your family and to raise future children in a close-knit community.
If you KNOW you cannot compromise that, then your future spouse has to be able to agree to it. If not, he isn’t the right future spouse for you. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you – you’d be living unhappily away from your family, and he’d be unhappily working and living somewhere he didn’t want to be. If you can’t come to an agreement, it’s time to MOA.
What ReginaRey said, exactly!
I happily moved 10 hours away from my family with my husband, 2 1/2 year old, and 9month old. It was a wonderful adventure and he was making more money, so I was home more with the babies (we added a 3rd less than a year after moving) than if we stayed home.
But being away from my family got more difficult as they got older. Especially when they hit school age. I had built a bit of a support system with other moms, carpooling and occasionally babysitting for each other. It is not easy, in your case I do NOT recommend it. Holidays will be so difficult. Yes, you can make new traditions, but it will hurt for your kids not to be around family during those times.
Now, that said, if someone is able and willing to come offer and stay a couple weeks, like my retired dad did, they can build a relationship with the potential future kids and maybe y’all can meet halfway for what I used to call the ‘baby exchange’. Dad would visit for a week or two, take the oldest home with him for a while, we’d meed halfway and we’d switch Gabby for Kelly. And meet halfway when Kelly was ready to come back. (Peanut tried it once, it was NOT successful! 😆)
Dad moved here for his last five or so years, and it was wonderful. The kids were grown at this point, and their bonds just got even stronger.
Marrying my husband meant being away from my family for the foreseeable future, too. I also want to be close to my family. But you know what? My husband is worth it. I’d follow that man anywhere. My advice to you is: doubt means don’t. I think you love your boyfriend very much…almost enough to be away from your family. You already have the answer to your question. I wish you the best of luck.
Agreed with what Wendy said. No one can make the decision but you. And wanting to be near your family absolutely doesn’t make you immature-it’s wonderful that you’re so close with them, in a time when so many family relationships are damaged, fractured, and just plain messed up.
I would avoid the ultimatum. But your boyfriend needs to understand how important this is to you. The thing that sucks most is he not only has a job in this rough economy but one that he enjoys at that. For him to consider that very important doesn’t make him a bad guy, it just means that he understandably might not be willing to give that up. Which is a tough pill I can imagine to swallow after five years of being together.
Talk to him, LW. And go in doing so with knowledge of the fact that it might NOT work out the way you want it to. But be strong about your convictions. If you do move, you might lose that relationship. But somewhere down the line, like Wendy pointed out, maybe you’ll meet someone who you’re just as compatible with. If you do decide to stay with your boyfriend and far away from your family, remember that it’s your choice to do so, and try not to resent him for it. I wish you luck! I know it’s not easy!
Tough one.
One part of the letter really sticks out for me though: “I know they miss me as well and they talk often about me moving back home and giving up living with my boyfriend.”
I have to wonder how much influence this has. If her parents have called her every week for the past 2 years and told her to stop living with her boyfriend and come home, maybe she thinks thats the only option that will make her parents happy. I wonder if she tried to distance herself from them a little (not see them every month, not let them pressure her into leaving her boyfriend and returning home) if she might realize she actually likes living in this new place. Has she really given it a chance?
Imagine this was a college freshman who said she went home once a month to visit her parents because she misses them. Wouldn’t we all advise her to stop going home so often, and try to make a life and friends at school? I would! So how is this different? LW my advice to you is to stay in that city for 3 months, or even six, without visiting home. And tell your family to stop trying to pressure you into leaving your boyfriend. Then decide if you could be happy living away from home forever or if you need to go back home.
As an aside, I had to move 1400 miles away from home for my dream job- it would be a 20 hour drive from my house to my parents’ house, and its about a 3 hour flight. I left a boyfriend (we did long distance for awhile but it didn’t work out), my best friend, and my awesome family behind. It bums me out a little that grandma and grandpa won’t be right down the road when I have kids, the way my grandparents were when I was growing up… but I did what I had to do. I talk to my mom about once a week. They come visit me about twice a year, and I visit home about twice a year too. In the time of Skype and Southwest Airlines, the people you love are never really that far away.
I think you’ve made really great points here. And I missed the part about her family putting pressure on the LW. How much is that influencing her decision.
I have the opposite problem. I want to move to Savannah GA but FH doesn’t want to leave his family, job, and home (his grandfather built it). I have better job prospects there but it means soooo much to him to stay, that I gave in. And I am happy with that desicion because I love him so much. We might end up buying a summer house there within the next couple of years. So my point is comprimise. Visit your family on the weekends and live your happy life with your boyfriend. But the real decision will be up to you.
I was in a similar situation this past year after graduating college — caught between living close to my family or following my boyfriend wherever his career takes him. I ended up moving close to my hometown, and my boyfriend ended up following me after 8 months of being long distance. At the point where we parted ways, I told him that I was willing to do long-distance but there would have to be an endpoint, and I couldn’t see doing it for more than a year without at least developing a plan for being geographically together. Through the first 6 months, neither of us were sure what was going to happen; but it ended up working out, and I think we are both very happy with the result.
So LW, I’d recommend that, if you do decide to go home, you keep things open with your boyfriend for a while and not have it set in stone that he has to follow you *immediately* or it’s over. You never know what’s going to happen, and it’s very hard to cut off a solid, seemingly loving relationship. Wendy recommends trying to find out where you stand on his priorities list. But, it’s possible that he could change his mind about moving to your hometown once you’re gone from his every-day life and he realizes how important you really are to him. Either way, I think that this is complicated and there just isn’t a “right” answer, but it seems like you know how it’s going to feel for you and him and your family if you stay with him (based on the past couple years) but it’s harder to speculate about how either of you will feel if you move back to your hometown.
I can only wish the LW good luck with her choice, whatever it is.
Incidentally, I’ve lived at least 9 to 12 hour drive away from my family since I was 18. It doesn’t have to feel like a great distance. I’m very close to my mother (my father has passed away) and we speak on the phone almost daily and have for twelve years. Even when I was living in Russia. Physical distance does not have to be an obstacle to intimacy with your family.
This is tough.. but I would move anywhere for my fiance… and I am so very close to my family but he is my future and my future family too.. Marriage = compromise and sacrifices… I would make sure that I still see my family as often as possible.
You do need to sit down and be open with your boyfriend.. and you two should decide your relationship outcome.
Good luck to you and I look forward to this update.
you see your family once a month and you live 8 hours away? that’s pretty good. plus i’m sure since your bf has such a cushy job, they’ll allow him plenty of time off for holidays and stuff so you can be with your family for a longer ammount of time.
i do think you’re being a little immature, because you can’t have everything you want. what will you do when you move back home? live with parents or friends? i’d rather be living with a boyfriend whom i love, heading toward marraige and stability, then uproot and start all over again just because i miss my mommy.
can your parents come visit you one weekend per month, and you visit them a second weekend per month? compromise.
i really don’t think you want to break up with your boyfriend, which is good. and i think you also don’t want to give him an ultimatum, which is good. but if you want to be with this man then you’ve made your choice, you cant ask him to give up what he’s worked so hard for just because you miss your parents and your childhood life. you’re grown up now, and that means life changes.
It is very easy in today’s world to stay in touch as long as one has decent Internet bandwidth on both ends. My kids – including the 5 year old – know how to set up a video chat with my parents, who also, at an average of 70 years old, know how to do the same. A laptop with a built-in webcam can be brought anywhere with WiFi. Cheap sub-$100 network cameras can be installed to allow, with passwords, viewing of whatever room(s) you’d like (example: my parents can always watch the kids in the playroom). Phone calls are essentially free anymore. Agreed, none of this takes the place of actual visits, but it’s so much easier now to keep in touch – and so much less expensive.
On the other hand, finding a good candidate for a spouse isn’t really any easier than it’s ever been, should you opt to leave your boyfriend to move closer to family.
If you love this man and think he is the one you want for a husband, and if he feels the same way, I’d decide to stay with him and, together, to work out a plan for moving home at some point. Until then, you can be in touch with your family literally constantly if you want.
This is only my opinion. I don’t expect you to agree. I just know that finding a good partner is harder than opening up Skype or iChat.
I know exactly how the LW feels. When my fiance and I first got together I was living in my hometown and he was living in a major city 3 hours away. He would drive up on the weekends to see me until I moved in with him in the city.
I would never take back the time we’ve been living here, I love the city and it is great to have so much at our fingertips while we are young. However I want to move back to my hometown in a few years when we start having kids. The houses there are literally half the price and it is a really nice community that is very family oriented.
However, my fiance has an amazing job that he plans to stay with forever and I want him to as well. He may be able to transfer up there and he may not. Either way I’ll be by his side because I love him way more than I love that town.
I am torn on this one. I know that Family is important but an 8 hour drive is not that far. I believe to make a marriage work you have to live for each other and focus on building the best life for yourselves and for the children you one day might have. I hate to be the practical one but we have just come out of the harshest economic recession seen in this country for decades. For someone to have a solid job with an amazing salary is not a given and your bf needs to think long and hard before giving that up, not just for himself but for both of you. For you guys to jeapordize your financial wellbeing or for your boyfriend to quit for a lower paying less secure job requires a lot of thinking about what your willing to sacrifice for the sake of being close to your family ( it might even be buying a home, clearing student debt, taking vacations) and whether you can expect your boyfriend to make those sacrifices to be close to your family as well.
I would consider one further thing. Lets say you suggest that your bf quit his job because being closer to family is important and he turns around and says ” fine, but if i am sacrificing this so we can be near family i want us to be near my family.” Would you see that as legitimate and would you consider giving up your financially secure life to move next to your BF’s family?
It amazes me how many people start talking about marriage without having the all important discussion about life goals! If you are talking about getting married, these are the main things you need to discuss: do you want children, how will those children be raised (religion, parenting style, etc), where do we want to live (and do we want to move around at all), what do each of us want to do with our lives. Does your boyfriend see staying in this job for the rest of his life or is this a stepping stone to something else? If he’s unwilling to compromise and you are unwilling to compromise on any of these, then I think you’ll have to move on. That’s just how relationships work. Just don’t make any decisions if you haven’t had that conversation.
Am I the only one who thinks that the LW’s family is being manipulative-bordering-on-controlling?
She deserves to life her own life without comments from the peanut gallery. And by ‘comments’ I mean ‘passive-aggressive emotional daggers’ and by ‘the peanut gallery’ I mean ‘people who need to cut the cord’.
Of course now that I’ve posted this, the LW will come back with “But my father has brain cancer” or something equally as effective in making me feel like an asshole.
When my husband and I first started dating, I was right in the middle of planning to move to Arizona (from Wisconsin). Actually, I had boxes packed, housing/job/a new college all lined up within about 4 months of us dating. At first, he wanted to come with me, but he has 2 kids that were only 5 and 7 at the time and his divorce was still fairly new so it would have been so hard on everyone. In the end, I decided that I would stay in the frozen tundra for at least a year (to the delightful surprise of my mother) to see where we were going and ultimately at the end of that year, I decided I would rather give up my dream of living in Arizona to be with my husband and his kids (by then I was attached too). So, now our plan is once the kids are in college, we’ll give Arizona a shot too.
Basically, the moral of the story is – only you can decide what the priorities are, what you’re willing to give up, etc. And you definitely need to talk to him about it, too. Is he willing to look for work where you want to live? What if he could get a job that was about halfway to where your family is? Is that a decent compromise. Only you know what you will be satisfied with. Trust me, I thought I wanted to live in AZ more than I wanted anything, but I am SO happy that I gave my young relationship time to blossom so I could decide for sure. Of course, every year when we get subzero temperatures and a few feet of snow, I blame him 🙂
Yeesh, tough decision. I would say 8 hours isn’t THAT far. My family is 7 hours away and while I do miss them, I have job opportunities here that I wouldn’t otherwise. Instead, I call them almost every day and mail them packages. I can’t afford to go home very often so I see them 3-4 times a year.
My question: I don’t see this as being completely binary. How old are you two? From your email, you said you graduated two years ago so…rougly 24-25? Do you want to start a family *right now right now*? How much experience does your boyfriend have and what are the job opportunities for his field in your hometown? I can’t move home because there are very few opportunities in my field, and almost none in my specialty so the hiring outlook for me is very poor even though the cost of living is temptingly cheaper than where I live now.
Would your boyfriend consider moving if he gained more experience and then could transition to a management (mid-level) position in your hometown? I don’t know what he does, but would causing him to move stall his career or force him to change career paths? Things to think about from his perspective.
Like Wendy said, it’s your choice. I understand the desire to be near family but if you think this man is marrying material he could be your new family. I don’t see why you couldn’t move years down the road as long as you discussed it.
It’s really odd that my bf and I have just been talking about this. I’m not a person who has lived a lot of places, I grew up in a small town my whole life and then went to a large college half an hour away from that town. I just got in to veterinary school at this same college (whoohooo!) because it was the only place I could feasibly afford to go to. Basically, the first 25 years of my life will be spent living within the same 1/2 hour radius.
My boyfriend happens to be from the same hometown that I grew up in (we didn’t know each other because he is 5 years older). We were having the “where this relationship is going” talk and he said that pretty much he is going to live where he is at for the rest of his life. He farms, and so he has family land that would be way too expensive to buy anywhere else. Therefore if we decided to spend our lives together that would mean moving back to that same small town where I grew up and practicing veterinary medicine in a relatively saturated market.
Before he came into my life I always assumed that after graduation I would move to the middle of nowhere because that’s where large animal veterinarians are most needed. But I know I want kids, and I cannot imagine having them without my Mom being available basically 24/7 if we need anything. Is that immature? Maybe, but I feel like that’s the way raising a family has been for a really long time and it’s important to me. I got to visit both of sets of grandparents every week when I was young, and I want my kids to be able to do that too. Webcams and chats are great, but they don’t replace hugs and chocolate chip cookies.
Anyways, LW… I totally respect your decision to want to be close to your family when you end up starting a family. (I also respect other people who don’t need that btw) However I think as others said, maybe sacrificing and staying with him until he can find a great job in that area, or at least you guys can save up some money from the experience would be a smart idea.
I’m going to get flamed for this but I have to say it- I disagree with the implications that some commenters seem to be making that LW wanting to raise her kids close to extended family is somehow immature, or the result of her not giving her new city a chance. I don’t see evidence of either of those things. And I don’t care how easy technology makes it for us to keep in contact with far away loved ones, it’s simply not that same thing as being with someone in person, especially for the long haul. That distinction is vital when you’re talking about kids being around their extended family, and extending family having a real hand in helping to raise them.
I know this is America and we’re all about independence and the nuclear family, and I definitely think that how anyone decides they want their family members involved in their children’s lives is person and influenced by many factors. But if you have a large, close, loving extended family, I truly believe that can make such an amazing difference in the life of a child. Especially if both of that child’s parents work. And work and having a fulfilling career are important, certainly, but any job is replaceable. A loving family that wants to help you raise your kids and whom you want in your life is not replaceable. I don’t know, I’m not trying to be judgmental here, but I think that having a happy family situation and personal life is more vital to long-term success than any one single good job. I don’t think society needs more people with successful careers as much as it needs more people with solid family foundations.
Anyway, from what I read, this is not going to come down to LW having to leave her boyfriend. I highly doubt that, given the boyfriend’s current amazing job and high salary, he’d be working at an Applebee’s should he re-locate with her. I think if she makes her feelings clear about raising her children around her family, he will agree to do that when the time comes.
Don’t ever underestimate the bond of family. Some people may find happiness away from them but if you’re the type of person that can’t imagine a future without them playing a significant role than it’s not something to dismiss. I always knew that I wanted to raise my children close to my family. I wanted them to have the same close bonds that I had growing up. I want them to play with cousins on the weekend, summer BBQs, random family dinners, etc. I ended up living across the country from them for 4 years and I regret it everyday, and not just because my relatioship went down in flames. I missed a lot of family experience, my nephew was 6 mos before I was able to get home to meet him, I missed Christmases and Thanksgivings, etc. Most importantly I missed out on my mothers last few months of life. Those are times I will never get back and while the next person would have no problem with those sacrifices there came a time where I just couldn’t do it any more. You have make your decision based on your values and whether or not you could be ok with missing out on those things. You’re not selfish if you decide to move back home, there’s nothing wrong with deciding that you’re need to be close to them is too much to sacrifice. Don’t feel guilty for wanting it. We all deserve to be happy and sometimes we have to suffer a little heartache along the way. Good luck in your decision, and remember that it’s really up to you to decide where your happiness lies.
Ultimately the choice is yours, but 8 hours isn’t that far (I’m about that far from my family and see them far less often than you see yours), and if you’ve been with this guy for 5+ years and want to make it work, living in your hometown might be a sacrifice you have to make. Maybe you can look into a city closer if it would work for both of your jobs.
Like others have mentioned, I wonder how much this desire to move is because of your family’s apparent disapproval (that’s how it read to me) of you living with your boyfriend?
This is hard for me to really understand, so I’m going to try to leave my personal opinion out. When I lived 45 minutes from my family in college, I still saw them only at holidays. I now live 1,500 miles away and see them twice a year. I realize, though, that it’s all about your priorities. Wendy and everyone else have already pretty much covered the situation.
I do want to defend the boyfriend. It sounds like the LW didn’t realize that she’d miss her family so much, especially since she was able to see them once a month anyway. So, I don’t want to talk about it as though the boyfriend ripped her away knowingly. Honestly, I think that if a woman wrote in asking whether she should quit an awesome job so her boyfriend could move home, most people would balk at her giving up her career. So, the LW should do what makes her happiest, but the boyfriend isn’t a bad person for staying at his job, either.
It would be really helpful if the LW would reply to let us know what the difference in job prospects for her potential husband would be in her hometown. Is it just that he’s got a great job now and might not like one in her town as much, or is it that there’s truly nothing even remotely close within an hour of where her family lives?
The former situation is workable, but the latter is likely to remain an issue for a very long time. The former situation needs a talk; the latter strongly suggests a breakup or a need to re-prioritize family.
You have a difficult choice ahead of you and hopefully you and your boydfriend can come to a happy agreement but you never know until you discuss it.
I’ve ended up living a 20 hour drive away from my parents and I didn’t mind making this move but it is more difficult living at a distance. My husband has a Ph.D. in a specialized field that isn’t very portable. There are not alot of jobs in his field and none in the state where I grew up. He has a good, stable job and moving to my home state wouldn’t be an option. We’re happy here and we have excellent friends but at the same time I see those friends living close to their own families and benefiting. The grandmother of one friend was the babysitter for her son. She took care of him from the time he was an infant and 19 years later they are incredibly close. You don’t get that kind of relationship from daycare or a nanny. Another friend calls her dad to come stay with the kids if they are sick. You certainly shouldn’t drop them off at daycare sick or take them to school that way but lots of people do because they need to be at work. I see kids at school sick because the parents medicated them up to drop the fever and then took them to school. If you have a parent nearby who is willing to drop everything and come over when you need them it is a huge bonus and it helps with your job. Many kids miss out on after school activities because the parents are both at work but if there is a grandparent available they can take the child to the activity. It is a huge support to both the parents and the children and life is richer for it.
I don’t live close to my family and probably never will and I’m happy but I know what we’ve sacrificed to be here and I know that not everyone is willing to make that sacrifice and not everyone would be happy if they did make that sacrifice.
I do think your family is undermining your relationship with your boyfriend because they are asking you to leave him and come back to them rather than asking the two of you to move closer to them. Do they want you by yourself? Would they be happy if he came with you? Do they think he’s right for you? I’m not sure from your letter what they think and if their real concern is that they want you to leave him. You said you visit your family but you didn’t say that your boyfriend does. Do they get along? What does he think of your family?
LW needs to cut the umbilical cord.
What concerns me about the LW moving back home is: is she missing her family/hometown or is she missing the time in her life when she lived with her family/hometown?
Some of her quotes seem to me to be very nostalgia/rose-colored glasses driven.
“The problem, though, is I miss my family like crazy. We’ve always been extremely close, but now they live eight hours away and although I get to see them practically every month I find myself wishing to be in my hometown almost everyday. I know they miss me as well and they talk often about me moving back home and giving up living with my boyfriend.”
She is visiting them very frequently for the distance involved, she wishes for her ‘hometown’ every day, and she is often getting influence/pressure to move back. The question is, what will it REALLY be like if she moves back there?
Well, the parents won’t miss her, so some of the emotional charge might be removed from the situation. Her friends have all left home, so her ‘hometown’ is not composed of the same people it was when she lived there. She doesn’t articulate anything about what she is actually missing emotionally. Does she miss girls day out with Mom? Hanging out every weekend with her high school friends? Activities she took part in before college? Or actual people that she wants to physically interact with more than once a month? I ‘miss my family’ could mean ‘I miss being around them and interacting with them’ or ‘I miss being in the child role’ or ‘I miss being a dependent and not having to be a responsible adult’ or ‘I miss the good times with my friends who don’t live there anymore’. I think the LW needs to figure out what she thinks moving back home is going to get her and be like before she makes any sort of decision.
She should also talk to her parents and family if she is making long term life plans that require them being in a certain place. It’s all fine and dandy that she wants her kids growing up with her strong family relationships, but do her parents plan on staying in the area or moving to Florida? Are her siblings remotely interested in even having kids in the near future, much less being around to play ‘aunty’ and ‘uncle’? Moving back home is no guarantee these goals will happen, and it’s foolish to assume otherwise.
So yes, both the LW and her boyfriend need to talk this out, but the LW needs to figure out exactly WHAT she is missing and exactly WHAT she can reasonably expect to get with either choice, not what she thinks is a given.
LW-while it is a tough decision to make, you will have to make a choice sometime. I understand that you are homesick and miss your family very much. At the same time, if you two are seriously discussing marriage, both of you will have to make sacrifices. You mentioned that you see your family “practically once a month” which seems like a good deal to me.
I am not saying that you should not miss your family but I think that there needs to be a balance between your family and your boyfriend, especially since marriage has been discussed. In several months, I will be moving in with my boyfriend 5 hours from my family/friends and he will be 2.5 hours away from his family. I know that we will both get homesick at times and that is natural. We have also discussed marriage and it’s only a matter of time before we get engaged. I think that offering an ultimatum is unfair, especially since he excels at his current job. If you feel that your boyfriend is truly worth the move, then go for it. I am sure your family will be supportive once you explain to them what your reasons are for staying with him.
From personal experience, my boyfriend and I have both gotten comments of concern of us being far way from them. They also understand that it is better for us to live together before getting engaged/married. Yes it will be hard sometimes being away from your family but you can’t stay tied down to one place because of them, especially considering that he seems like a good guy. You have to live your own life and do what is right for you. Good luck.
I live 20 hours away from home, miss my family like crazy, and haven’t been home since 2009 thanks to unemployment, a breakup leaving me with all the rent to cover, and general brokeness…. I moved here to be with a boyfriend and we broke up. Seeing my family every month would be fantastic, LW, just for a little perspective.
I want to be careful not to apply my own experiences/needs onto LW but I do tend to agree. I think that time away from your family at this age is maybe hard but can be very enriching. Maintaining those relationships once a month and via phone helps to fill some of those needs so she’s not totally without family.
You can’t know what the future will hold. He may change jobs. You may change jobs. Some of your friends and family may move away from your hometown so that the concept of home becomes more spread out. Life is full of change.
I completely understand the notion of missing home. I lived abroad for years and wrestled with the benefits of the fabulous life I had against the growing feelings of homesickness. But I learned so much about myself by being out on my own. I learned how to make new friendships because I didn’t have my childhood friends to lean on. I learned how to deal with heartache, car problems, holidays, and moving into new apartments without my family near. I came to love and appreciate them that much more.
Home is always going to be there. The chance to explore and wander –is much more limited.
And then there is your relationship. And as Maynard said, men you want to marry —they don’t come along that often. Talk to him about your feelings. Might you be able to come up with a short term and long term plan? Would you feel better if you agreed to a 2 year commitment to this job and location? Maybe having an end in sight would enable you to better enjoy your present.
There is no wrong choice, as Wendy said, but DO consider what you are giving up.
Okay let’s say LW does move back home, and her Amazing boyfriend follows because he does love her and wants to marry her. What happens if he doesn’t get a job in his field, or can’t get a new job, or has to take a much lower position then he was originally at (perfectly acceptable considering the economy and whatnot). So his amazing salary is pretty much gone out the window, he might have to downgrade his and LW’s living style (I say her’s too because I get the feeling that she might hold a lower paying job then him since she calls his salary amazing), he’s giving up his new core group of friends he spent the last 3 years making and coming back to a town that he effectively left without really looking back. I honestly think the boyfriend will end up bitter and he’s going to have to struggle to get his life back together, they’re going to go through a hardship and he might just say F-it it’s not worth the trouble.
Has LW honestly even stopped and sat down and discussed how HE feels about her parents, or even moving back closer to them? To issue a sort of ultimatum before even talking things through would be a terrible idea, what happens if he thinks LW’s parents are clingy and obsessively controlling with her life and doesn’t want that for his children?
The letter just talks about her, her, her. Her feelings, her needs, her wants, what she needs to think about is both her and her boyfriends needs, wants and feelings instead. There’s this thing called compromise, see if he can find a job closer to your hometown, maybe a 2/3 hour drive where LW could see her parents every weekend .
Oops, I can’t relate. My family lives in 5 countries on 3 continents. I don’t think we’ll ever have another family reunion for the rest of our lives.
However, my parents (well, my dad) told me that as soon as I have children, they will sell everything they own in the home country, and come live with me to help me raise my children. Luckily, they won’t have to do that any time soon, and I would feel terrible for my parents to give up everything (literally, everything – their house, their friends, their independence – they don’t speak the language, so I don’t think either of them will ever get a driver’s licence) just to see their grandchildren grow. But it’s their decision. Guess it’s about priorities. (Parents’)
My mom is a lot like LW’s parents – come home, live with us, we miss you so much. I (and my dad) fight her – this is my life, I want to be happy, I am happy. Be happy for me. Eventually, she got it. (Or, in other words – it’s my turn to be selfish. You had me around for 18 years, let me go already 🙂 )
And another thing – once you get something in life, you’ll want something else. I had a marriage and my family was close (well, a lot closer than now), I wanted a career. I have a career (I absolutely love what I do!), but I lost my marriage in the meantime… Now I don’t want a marriage anymore, and I would give up my career for a kid… All your life, your priorities will change, and you end up playing catch up.
Whatever you choose, don’t ever regret it. Regardless of how it turns out, it was the right thing to do at that moment.
OK, time to wake up the elephant in the room.
How the hell does a couple stay together for 5+ and not have this issue addressed a long time ago? That is a serious breakdown of communication. This probably won’t end well.
Ill start with I do not think it is wrong to want to live by your parents. However, if she wants to live with her parents I think that is a little strange for someone just out of college.
I do think LW is being a little selfish if she truly loves her boyfriend. I have to wonder if they have ever talked about the future. Forever is a long time, and nobody can predict what will happen. Perhaps he wants to make sure he is established and financially independent before getting married or moving to her home town which may or may not have the same opportunities. She should ask him if he would be willing to move home with her, and if he says not now bit in the future accept that. It is a terrible economy and jobs are hard to come by. He may be willing to move but waiting for an equal opportunity for himself.
And 8 hours is still close to your family. Its a short car trip for the weekend. You can call your family every day if you want. Its hard for me to understand needing to be physically close to your family when you still see them once a week and have phones.
I just want to chime in to disagree with the people who are saying the LW is immature or that she needs to cut the umbilical cord. I am extremely close with my extended family, and all my big decisions have been about staying near them. I am making sacrifices when it comes to my career for it. But those are my priorities. I want to be around my extended family because we are close knit and always have been. I want to spend time with my grandfather before he passes away. I want to be there for my parents as they age, and make sure they are being taken care of. I want to be able to bail my little cousins out of jail when they get arrested for drag racing when they’re 16, and let them sleep on my couch when they’ve had a huge fight with their parents. It doesn’t matter if I meet the most amazing man in the world, I am not moving more than an hour away from here.
So I can see where the LW is coming from. But this is just something she needs to have a long discussion with her boyfriend about. It doesn’t make her immature to want to move home, and it doesn’t make home a bad person to want to stay. Just, LW, make the decision that will make YOU happy, not the one that will please your family or your BF. And good luck 🙂
I love my family and like living close to them, but if I had to move to Siberia to be with my fiance, then I’d do it in a heartbeat. Would I move away for my dream job? Maybe, depending on where I’d have to go and whether my fiance would go with me. For me, it’s really a question of what I can’t live (happily) without. I would miss my family terribly and would always wonder “what if?” if I passed up on my dream job, but I can live happily without these things. Leaving my fiance? Unthinkable.
Mostly, it sounds like the LW doesn’t know what she wants. I don’t think she should make a decision before she’s really sure what she absolutely needs to be happy.
Also, Moonshine makes an excellent point about fighting your family for what you want. My sister moved twelve hours away from my family, and my parents were devastated. That was five years ago. She has made a life in a new state with her own family, but my mother is STILL urging her to move home.
My point is, your parents may be doing you a disservice by trying to convince you to move home. Of course they want you to move home–they miss you, which is why they keep bringing it up. But could those conversations be increasing your homesickness? And do they want you to move home because they miss you or because it’s what’s best for you? You need to make this decision independent of what anyone else thinks and wants. Don’t stay because your boyfriend loves you and wants to marry you. Don’t move because your family misses you constantly. Whatever you do, do it for yourself.
Many readers are judging the LW harshly for wanting to live close to her family. These readers may not understand her feelings because they are not as close to their families as she is. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and could hardly wait to move out and create a better life for myself. I never missed my family at all.
I am now mentoring a high school student who is going away to college this year. She is close to her family and leaving is going to be hard for her. It is hard for me to understand how she feels, so I am trying to find a frame of reference by thinking of friends who I have missed.
My husband of two years and I each brought different strengths to our relationship (we were together 5 years before getting married) … I was good about talking things out, him not so much. But he was great about always seeing/seeking a third (or fifth or 12th) option or solution to any situation. Combine those two approaches — a willingness to talk things out and the ability to think outside the box and seek creative solutions, and it’s a winning combination. Talk to you guys, explain you concerns, find out his concerns and work together on a solution. You might surprised at what you come up with — maybe he can telecommute, maybe you guys can move closer but not back to your hometown…the real answer will depend on all the specifics and variables of your situation. But I bet you can work out something that will make you both happier.
I also wonder what culture/ethnicity the LW comes from. I know that many cultures, like some Hispanic and Asian cultures, place a VERY high priority on family ties- even to the point of multi-generational households. So maybe her closeness with the family is not just a personal choice but a cultural construct that she’s been familiar with all of her life?
Hi there,
I know it’s super tacky (and possibly breaking the rules?) for a LW to respond to comments about her own letter but I just wanted to clear something up. I know a few commentators have said my family is selfish and controlling but I just want to say that is so untrue and if my letter in any way gave that impression then I did them a big disservice. My family is so incredibly loving and supportive and kind. They constantly make the effort to come visit me, they text me and call me all the time and they are a huge comfort to me. Do they tell me they miss me? Of course. Do they wish I still lived close to them. Yes. Are they trying to emotionally blackmail me into coming home? No. This is something I have just been thinking of as my boyfriend and I move in the direction of together-forever- Am I willing to live this far away forever?
My boyfriend and I have discussed this on multiple occasions and it boils down to he doesn’t want to leave his job that he wouldn’t have the opportunity to get in my hometown. And that is completely understandable, I’m not denying that or trying to make him out to be the villain. Now it’s up to me to decide where my priorities are.
Thank you so much for all the comments and advice people have given. This has been such a weight on my heart and reading peoples opinions on it helps me to clarify things and think about different angles to this I may never have considered before. I know to some I may sound like a selfish princess ( Oh no to many people love me and want me to be with them) but this is truly a problem I have been wrestling with for awhile and I just needed people who were outside of the situation to give me their unbiased view. Thanks again!
I don’t think its tacky or against the rules. We call it like we see it, and if you can help us see it clearer, why shouldn’t you chime in?
Has your boyfriend considered that he probably won’t have this job forever? From the details given, I assume you’re both mid-twenties. Even in the most stable industry, in the best job you could ever imagine, most people do not do the same thing for their entire lives. Retirement for him is 40+ years away and though this is the best thing for him right now and he can’t imagine leaving, there’s a good chance that he probably will. Maybe this is a factor that you should introduce into the conversation and it might change it.
I will readily admit that I have my dream job, but I already know that I can’t do it forever, and probably won’t be here 10 years from now. Maybe if he thought about it, he would realize the same. And maybe you could agree to stay with him in this other city for no more than __ years, after which you would move on (closer to your hometown) together.
Glad to hear your folks aren’t stressing you out about it! I like to think people were just concerned (I know I was). My other question to you would be, is there any other option for the future? Perhaps in 5 years you and your bf could move to a town halfway closer to your family? Four hours would be a lot easier to deal with than 8. Anyway, if that’s an option, and he’s still not willing to compromise, then that is NOT a good sign for your future. Marriage is a two way street, and if he’s expecting you to do all the compromising, you’re just going to end up resenting him. If its not an option, then you definitely have one tough decision in front of you.
Also – totally NOT tacky OR against the rules to comment! We love to hear from the LW. I think it helps keep people in check to realize that this is not just some anonymous made up letter and that there is a real person with real problems behind it!
Nah, it’s not tacky at all.
“My boyfriend and I have discussed this on multiple occasions and it boils down to he doesn’t want to leave his job that he wouldn’t have the opportunity to get in my hometown.”
So I take it then that he could continue his career in your hometown? Or would he have to leave his current career path to do so? (If you don’t mind me asking, what generally does he do?)
It’s a toughie. Good luck. 🙂
Growing up, I had amazing times with my family, not just my parents and sisters, but also this wonderful close network of aunts, uncles and cousins. I wish my potential future kids will have that experience as well. However, it may not happen since my husband and I currently live a 24-hour drive away from my family. A move is definitely not in the future as we currently have job opportunies here that are not easily transferrable to where my family is now – damn economy!
And yes LW, I do have a problem with it. I miss the times I have with my sister. I miss the opportunities seeing my godson grow up. I miss getting ridiculous with my cousins, teasing my uncles and bonding with my aunts. However, if I left everything I have now everytime I miss them, I’ll have the problem not being there for my husband as he is for me. I’ll have a problem not being in bed with him almost every night like I do now. I’ll have a problem not having his children and I’ll have a problem not growing old with him.
Remember LW, as your bf and you move in the direction of together-forever, you are also in the process of starting your own family as well. The two of you will constitute a family unit too. Your definition of family is not only those you left behind in your hometown – they will always be there to welcome you back. It is also is the life you guys are starting NOW. Everyone, whether it be those you left behind or the one you’re living with now, will have to cope with the decisions you make and be there for one another – that’s just what families do.
Can you consider your boyfriend your family now? That should be the main question that should address your priorities. Good luck finding an answer LW. 🙂
I don’t have much time to write out a well-thought-out answer (work has been crazy! for once!), I will chime in that I think things are being viewed a little bit too black-and-white. I like 8 hours away from family right now. I’d stay here forever for my husband, but we both agreed that our endgoal is to get back closer to home. ClosER. Not all the way back. That would be unrealistic.
For example, in a few months we’re moving halfway back home. We’ll be 3 hours away instead of eight hours away. And our eventual plan is to be about 1.5 hours away, sometime around when we have kids. But to get to this goal, we have BOTH sacrificed professionally. I had two job offers on the table: one that was 20+ hours away, and one that would move me 3 hours away. I liked the 20+ job better, but I took the 3 hour-away job because it moved us closer and was the best move for my husband. Similarly, my husband is switching careers so that we can be near family by the time we have kids. He’s figured out a way to do something else that he loves because he loves me and he wants our kids to have access to our family.
It would be unfair of me to try to force my husband to find a way to move all the way home (if that was even what I wanted… which it isn’t). But 1.5 hours away, in his favorite city, is our compromise. We have BOTH altered our careers to accommodate each others’ values and goals. I suggest that you broaden your vision of what you want the future to be like. Could you live away for 5 years if you knew you’d move back at that point? Could you be happy living closer but in the nearest major city, where your boyfriend might have better job prospects? You can’t have everything you want, and part of every relationship is compromise. If your boyfriend is unwilling to compromise on this job and you don’t want to live 8 hours away, he may not be the right guy for you. But if you show that you’re willing to compromise, then he may loosen up too.
Before LW gives an ultimatum to her FH, she needs to better understand her parents’ expectations and have some agreement on what her life will be like, should she move back home without FH. The parents sound very controlling and LW’s wording implies that she’d be moving back into their home. After college away from home and living with FH, is she really going to be content existing under her parents’ house rules? Will her parents be content if she gets an apartment close to them, or are they expecting a celibate live at home, with curfew?
A lot of people have commented on her parents undermining her relationship and in their defense I have to ask how much does the LW talk to them about how unhappy she is? If you’re a parent and you listen to your child talk about how unhappy she is and how she wants to come home are you really going to be able to tell her to stick it out? Any parent would tell their child to come home because no boyfriend is worth being unhappy. She may be a mature, responsible adult but your children will always be your children and I doubt they can just quash their protective nature because she’s grown up. If your child is truly unhappy wouldn’t you want to say something, wouldn’t you want to do whatever you could to make it better? I had family tell me to come home a lot when I lived away and it wasn’t because they were manipulating me or trying to ruin my relationship, they knew I was unhappy, they knew I was depressed and homesick, and they wanted to see me happy again. I changed so much in the time I was away because I was so unhappy and they could tell. I hope the LW finds what she needs to make herself happy.
Here’s the thing that seems to stick out to me the most about this letter. LW, who do you see as your primary family? It sounds pretty obvious that at the moment it’s your parents/other biological family. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But, at some point, when you’re in “the relationship,” your partner becomes your family. You’ll get that same feeling of love and safety that you probably get from your parents from your partner, and you won’t be able to imagine being away from him because he’s your home. And if you’re not at that point with your boyfriend, there’s no shame in that. You’re just not ready to create your own family with him apart from the family you grew up with.
But before you leave behind the start of a life with your boyfriend, think about whether you’re ever going to be ready to let go of the idea of yourself as your parents’ child and embrace the idea of yourself as your boyfriend’s wife or long-term life partner. If you truly can see yourself as the latter, then be careful about walking away, because I seriously doubt he’d be willing to take you back after being told he comes in second place in your life. If you don’t think you can ever see it, then maybe he just isn’t the right guy for you, and when the right one comes along, you’ll be willing to be each other’s family. Or maybe your relationship with your parents *is* a little too close for comfort and you need to kick yourself into gear and try to make a life for yourself as an independent adult, regardless of your relationship status.
I completely agree with Wendy that you need to make a decision about what is most important to you, but keep in mind things don’t always progress like we think they will. When I was 20, I moved in with my boyfriend (now my husband) in my hometown. 6 months later, we moved 500 miles away, and it was very hard adjusting to not being around my family, but I did. For the next 10 years, we bounced around the country, but next month, we’ll be moving back to my hometown. This after years of him swearing he’d never move back. Our lives at 30 are nothing like we thought they would be, and I’d keep that in mind. Successful relationships are full of compromise, we spent years doing what he wanted (building his career) and now we’re going to do what I want (live close to my nephew and niece). It could be that this won’t happen with you and your boyfriend. Have you talked to him about it? I know you mentioned he doesn’t want to give up his job, but he won’t be there forever. Either way, make sure you can live with the decision you make.
Obviously the decision is up to the LW, since it’s a matter of her figuring out what her priorities are. But for whatever it’s worth, I don’t think it’s “immature” to be close to your family. It doesn’t (necessarily) mean she never cut the umbilical cord; it just means her family is important in her life, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I didn’t grow up with relatives. I sort of wish I had. I never really knew my grandfather, didn’t have any bond with my grandmother, rarely saw my aunts, wasn’t at all close to my cousins. Everyone just lived too far away for us to see each other…or even really know each other. I grew up in a rural part of the country, and most of the kids I knew at school lived near their grandparents and other family. I was a little envious of them then, and maybe I still am a little bit now. I would have liked to grow up with a big family. I think I might have been happier, less lonely—who knows.
But if the LW knows that that’s how she wants to raise her kids—then I think she should stick to her guns. Family is a blessing. There’s nothing immature about that.
You do know that if you decide to stay and marry your boyfriend, he will become your family? And, personally, I live 8 hours away from my family and get to see them only a few times a year due to everyone’s busy lives. Even if I was right there I probably would see them once a month, because everybody is busy with their lives (kids, homes, jobs). I think you should consider that once you do get your own family (I mean husband, kids, house and a job), unless your relatives live across the street, seeing them once a month is a pretty good target. That is a part of growing up. At least now you have someone with you that enjoys your company and whose company you enjoy as well. You might be surprised that when you move back people do not have as much time for you as you hoped for.
Maybe I missed it but did anyone notice that the LW states:
“I know they miss me as well and they talk often about me moving back home and giving up living with my boyfriend.” Sounds like she is getting a lot of pressure from her family to move back home as well. I think the LW needs to seriously look at herself, her own dreams and goals and life and decide what SHE wants. She moved because her boyfriend wanted to… is she wanting to move back because her family wants her to? I miss my family but we all live in the places we want to be, not because others want us to be there.
I disagree with Maynard as well..
I’m in a similar situation. My entire family lives in california. (certain circumstances brought me here to philly where I met a great man.) We’ve been together for over 5 years and currently engaged. I miss my family daily and grow more and more sick of this place everyday. It’s a completely different environment. It’s not just family that I miss, it’s everything there. Opportunity, the beach, friends, the freakin weather lol. After 5 years of trying to make this place my home, I’ve decided to go back home to cali. That doesn’t mean I’m moving back in with my mom either. I just don’t want to start a family without MY family being in my children’s lives. I grew tired I’d letting others dictate what I should do with my life. If there is anything I’ve learned from this whole experience… It’s that no one knows your happiness but yourself..
I disagree with Maynard as well..
I’m in a similar situation. My entire family lives in california. (certain circumstances brought me here to philly where I met a great man.) We’ve been together for over 5 years and currently engaged. I miss my family daily and grow more and more sick of this place everyday. It’s a completely different environment. It’s not just family that I miss, it’s everything there. Opportunity, the beach, friends, the freakin weather lol. After 5 years of trying to make this place my home, I’ve decided to go back home to cali. That doesn’t mean I’m moving back in with my mom either. I just don’t want to start a family without MY family being in my children’s lives. I grew tired I’d letting others dictate what I should do with my life. If there is anything I’ve learned from this whole experience… It’s that no one knows your happiness but yourself..
The_lw is there anyway you could update us on the outcome? I’m going through the exact same thing right now and it’s tearing me apart. Help
Agnes!!!! You are me! I am the same age, same time period away from home, same everything. Same problem. I applied for a job at home becusse I was unhappy here with my boyfriend. Now I’m happy again but I have the job. And jobs are so hard to get in Ireland that it’s a massive opportunity. My hearts breaking though and like you and The LW my boyfriend has his life here and doesn’t want to move. What did U do in the end Agnes? I’m so torn
I’m going through something similar. I live about 12 hours from my family and haven’t been able to see them in 2 years. I’ve missed the birth of a niece and nephew. My family and I have always been close so I’ve made the decision to move back. I have a boyfriend and we live together, when I told him I was moving I gave him the choice of whether or not he wanted to move with me. He has decided that it just isn’t right for him. I understand his reasoning but of course it hurts. These kind of life decisions are often painful. It doesn’t diminish what we had and it doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other. It just means we love each other enough to respect the other person’s decision and to make the most out of what time we do have together. If you are seeing this and you haven’t made your decision my advice would be to make your own choice. Think about staying and ask yourself if you could be happy with the way things are and whether or not you would regret not being closer to your family. It’s your life and no one can tell you what’s best for you except you.
How is it that BF moved 4 hours away for his job, but when you joined him, you’re now 8 hours away from your home town?
I once heard some great advice: Don’t marry the person you can live with– marry the person you can’t live without. Maybe you can apply this to your BF to help you decide. Also apply it to your family.