Morning Quickie: “My Coupled-Up Friends Don’t Want to Hang Out Anymore”
Fortunately, money isn’t an issue and we don’t have kids yet (we are all in our early-to-mid 30s) and we all like each other’s partners. We live within 10 minutes of one another in a major city with lots to do and mild weather…so what’s the deal? Our single friends are always up for hanging out and I see them quite a bit, but I would like to hang out more regularly with all of my friends. Any ideas on why this is? Any suggestions for getting people together on a more regular basis? — More Than Once a Week, Please
Just because you all are kid-free and don’t have to worry about money doesn’t mean that meeting up once a week is desirable, or even practical, among your friend-group. First of all, if you’re talking about more than two people meeting up, I imagine schedule conflicts can become problematic. One person has Pilates two or three times a week after work and someone else has a dentist appointment and then another person just started weekly therapy sessions and, before you know it, it’s just impossible to find one day a week that everyone is available to hang out, even for a quick happy hour.
My advice is to focus on getting together in smaller groups or one-on-one with these old friends while, at the same time, continuing to make new friends whose availability and interests in dinners out, happy hours, bar-hopping, and movies more closely match yours. There’s a strong possibility that for your friends entering their mid-30s those activities just aren’t as important anymore (or they’d just rather do those things with their partners in the free time they have). There’s also a possibility that some of your coupled-up girlfriends may be trying to get pregnant/ are already pregnant (and not telling yet) and are trying to avoid boozy situations that might blow their cover. Whatever the case may be, it seems that, yes, getting everyone together once a week IS too much to ask, and, rather than bemoan that, I say enjoy the time you are able to get together and be grateful you have single friends who are “always up for getting together.”
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Getting all of your friends together once a week is clearly too much to ask if it’s like pulling teeth to make it happen. Stop trying to make fetch happen! I don’t really understand why you even want this to be a thing. Why does EVERYONE have to get together once a week? That sounds exhausting.
+10 for the Mean Girls reference. Also, I agree. 🙂
I thought I had trouble getting the gang together when we do Girls’ Night once a month and then I saw that she was upset about people not being able to meet every week. That’s crazy! I can’t even commit to a weekly date night with my husband, much less to friends (and no, we don’t have kids).
I think LW needs to lower her expectations. And it’s not like waiting a bit is a bad thing; it gives people time to actually do other things they can tell you about the next time everyone gets together.
Just stopping by to say you have the best username ever.
Yours is pretty great, too. 🙂
I am single with no kids and I get out of work at 2:30 and don’t work on weekends and even *I* would not want to see all my local friends once a week, every week. Then again, I am kind of a hermit, but srsly, do people do this???
WWS.
The secret pregnancy/secretly trying angle was astute.
I agree with Wendy that sometimes things just get too busy, however I must say it does bother me when friends can’t/don’t make time to hang out, especially because of being “coupled up”. I expect any significant other of mine to be ok with me spending time with my friends without him and many of my friends are the same way. I do think the LW’s expectation of once per week is a bit much. I’m lucky if I see some of my friends once per month.
I mean, yeah if someone is saying that they can’t hang out because they want to spend time with their husband all the time, I agree, that’s lame. But it seems like life just seems to get busier around the time that a lot of people get coupled up more seriously.
Oh I definitely agree with you that sometimes life can get busy. I have a few coupled up friends though who we never see just because they’re in relationships…
Do you really know if that is the case though? Unless they have straight up told you that they did want to hang out with you because they are in a relationship then there is really no way to know what is going on in their life and personally, it doesn’t show that you respect them much to jump to such conclusions. Maybe they have other shit in their lives that they aren’t opening up to you about, maybe they are ghosting you.
I have one friend in particular who says “oh, _____ *significant other* and I will be seeing his friends that weekend” or “I would, but ____ wants us to do this”. I’ve offered to drive down and pick her up too, but it seems he always wants them to hang out with his friends or family instead of hers. He’s even told her that he considers his friends “our” friends but he doesn’t consider us (her friends) “our” friends.
It sounds like you are just asking after she already has plans though.
Either that or she just isn’t as invested in your friendship as you are. In those situations I stop asking and if they want to see me then they can ask me to hang out.
Your issue with this particular friend may be more complicated than what I’m about to say, but I do think it still applies. When you’re in a relationship, you do become busier because your social group grows. Instead of hanging out with your friends and being available for family obligations, you now have to make time for his/her friends and his/her family, coworkers, etc in addition to scheduling quality time with your partner. Unfortunately, it sounds like your friend’s SO doesn’t view her friends as his friends or isn’t making much of an effort. On the other hand, many of my boyfriend’s friends are in relationships whereas many of my friends are single. Its easier for us to plan group activities with the couples than it is with my girlfriends plus him. Usually I hang out with my girlfriends without him, but he isn’t able to get to know them and vice versa.
See, how do you know that’s why? Did they tell you ‘I can very rarely see you anymore, Lyra, because I have a boyfriend now?’ I doubt it. It could just be that they are busy with their lives.
Why is that lame? You marry the guy because you like spending time with him, right? I hope you do. I personally would make my husband the priority. I’d still see my friends, with or without him, but he’d be number one.
A significant other DOES get priority, however it’s definitely a balance. For me, I need friend time and I make time for my friends. I need a significant other to understand that.
I get that, too. But calling it lame, or saying “just because they are in a relationship” isn’t a valid excuse doesn’t ring true for me. It sounds like sour grapes. If you want your relationship to succeed, you need to give it attention. Relationships are like plants, they need attention. Some can take less than others. (So speaks she who has been gardening for that last two weeks.)
I agree there needs to be balance, but I think there’s a huge difference between how you balance your time between your friends and casual dating/a boyfriend versus how you balance time between your friends and a serious partner. I had a lot more free time when Llama Guy and I were dating, but once we got engaged I had to start taking him into consideration in the plans I made, even just for myself. It’s not that we have to do everything together or I need his permission to do things, it’s just that we’re a team now and I have to take his plans/schedule into consideration. I said this already below, but if we make plans to get together with his friends for dinner or something there’s a really good chance that that’s it for me that week in terms of going out. That’s been one of the biggest surprises and struggles for me – I’m no longer the sole decision maker in my life.
I also think it’s really important to make time for friends whether or not you are in a relationship. Just don’t assume they are hanging out less because they are in a relationship, because it could be a million things. Usually my friends will disappear into a couple bubble in the beginning of a relationship so I’ll cut them some slack if that’s the case. (I mean, I’m sure we’re all guilty of that to some extent).
It’s lame because you should *also* want to spend some time with your friends, assuming you actually like them. If you’re spending 100% of your free time with your husband and not making any time for friends, yes, I think that’s lame. I wouldn’t be friends with a person like that. Sure, now and then my friends say they have plans already with their husbands, and that’s cool. I do it, too. But to do so all the time, at the expense of friendships sucks, in my opinion.
And just to clarify, I’m not talking about if someone legitimately already has plans, or something. This is like “Hey, wanna hang out sometime in the next week or 2? Let me know what days work for you?” “Sorry, I’m going to hang out with my Husband”
Wait, is this a thing? Do people block off weeks on end to only hang out with their SO’s???
I definitely agree with this. That’s more of what I was trying to say in my original comments and you phrased it a lot better.
I also really understand the LW’s frustration with never seeing her friends. I have one particular friend group where we LOVE hanging out together but it seems I’m always the one who does the planning to get us together. I haven’t seen them since January, but I’ve thrown out suggestions two or three times since then and for whatever reason it doesn’t end up working out. I would LOVE to see them once per month because we all live pretty close together. As much as I love them and as much fun as we have together, it gets frustrating being the only person who makes suggestions as to what we should do together.
I can relate to Lyra here. I am always the one sending invitations, asking people when they are free, etc. There is one friend I have who is the exception to this and initiates a lot of invites, but then she pretty much always asks me to hang out on nights I am schedule for work and I end up declining anyway. Lucky, she’s very understanding and my work schedule never stops her from asking, but I always feel bad when I can’t make it.
Exactly. I totally understand being busy and I understand that it’s not always the first thing on peoples’ minds, but it sometimes can be exhausting being the planner. I do it because I want to see them and I want to get us all together and recently it seems that’s the only way that I see them.
I dunno, I feel like if you’re doing something and it’s to no avail, maybe send one last email, “Hey folks, this is getting exhausting being the one who always plans. So we need to shake things up some.” For me, it’s kind of terrifying to just take the initiative and throw an idea out, because social anxiety and crazy lady and all, but if it were my “turn,” like it was assigned that I organize the activity for July…that would be less daunting. Or do you have a “thing” that you guys always enjoy? I have this one group of friends who enjoys poker and craft beer, so once every few months (and we all live within blocks of each other but that’s all we can manage) we have a “Poker & Pils” party. And then it’s less of a hassle than, “What does everyone want to do…?” You either have to resign yourself to being the organizer and be okay with that, or you make it other people’s responsibility as well…which means you risk it not happening.
I would love doing something like that, but with my friend group at least, I feel some would drop the ball. I’ve even put the ball in other peoples’ courts and found a date that seems to work — “let’s do this Friday. What do you want to do?” Then…nothing, and we don’t get together. I love my friends and I’ll gladly keep on planning because we keep on getting together and having a great time together. It would just be nice for someone else to jump in do more of the planning. I will bring this up the next time I see them — I do like the idea of “you plan June, I’ll plan July, you plan August”.
Ooh. I’ve got friends like this as well. We don’t get together unless I initiate, plan and 100% confirm it. If I leave the ball in their court (i.e. “Friday sounds great, let me know what you are feeling up to when you get off work”…)…come Friday night, nothing will happen. I’ve actually ghosted this friend a bit. It was becoming tedious. I understand she’s busy, but at some point there needs to be some follow up.
Yeah, I’m the same way. I keep on doing it because we *do* have fun together and we are close. I still want to be their friend and from what I can tell they still want to be my friend. If it takes me being the planner so be it but yeah it can be frustrating at times.
I tend to be the planner with most friendships, as well. I’m more of a go-getter, organized personality anyways so it just works for me. I’m pretty okay with it as long as people are reciprocating with their responses. So, for example, I recently sent out a Facebook message to 2 gal friends I want to see. The three of us tend to get together once every few months. I said, “Hey, we haven’t gotten together for a while. Would you gals be up for it one of these Saturdays? What works for you?” And then they responded, we found a mutual date, and are at the tossing around ideas stage. So, even though I’m the initiator, they are actively responding and doing their part to find a day that works and activities/places to eat. Now, if I tried this and had a person who just never answered or never offered a suggestion after my initiating, I’d take it as a sign that they’re just not that into me. 🙂
Once a week is too much.
Oh, and given the age of the people (early and mid-30s), there’ve got to be a number of them who are working HARD on getting pregnant right now.
Is that really a reason people can’t hang out? Are there couples out there banging during ALL their free time, day and night, trying to get pregnant? If so, I would like to be like them! (the banging at all hours every day, not the trying to get pregnant part)
yeah, I was wondering about that part. I understand being in hiding because you’re already pregnant and don’t want anyone to know, but trying shouldn’t take that much time…
Infertility can be pretty time-consuming.
Oh, I’m sorry if my comment sounded asshole-ish/ignorant then.
oh, absolutely. I guess I misunderstood the wording, I didn’t understand you were implying that there might be infertility issues. Which there might be, but probably not with all of LW’s friends at the same time? I guess for me the trying/ pregnancy angle doesn’t really explain the situation.
It’s more about avoiding situations with alcohol for some people than scheduling banging. A majority of adult activities tend to have alcohol involved, and sure, she should just not drink… but then someone says “oh. You aren’t drinking?! HOW COME?!” (and yes if your social activities centred around having cocktails, it will seem odd if you’re suddenly asking for lemon slices in Perrier when you used to be Margarita Mary).
Now, those who are trying could try to schedule a coffee date, but many women are also avoiding caffeine during that time, especially cofee, and it seems if an adult activitiy doesn’t involve booze, it involves a bunch of people spazzing out like crackheads wanting coffee. I’m not a coffee drinker at all, but I like the smell of it. However, sitting around a coffee shop gabbing over a soda sounds boring as hell to me, and unnecessarily expensive, so I can imagine someone avoiding caffeine and alcohol might be strapped for ideas and just kind of be feeling insular.
Not necessarily, but if a lot of their social gatherings involve alcohol it might go back to what someone else said above – those who are trying may not want everyone to know they’re even trying and if they’re passing on drinks then it’ll give it away.
I don’t agree with this line of reasoning, but I understand it.
“I’m sorry, I can’t hang out this Saturday. I will be actively trying to conceive.”
Come on, doesn’t everyone come up with euphemisms about staying home or leaving a party and banging? Maybe next deleted thread I’ll share some…
Please do!
Maybe give a shot to suggesting something different than what you’ve always done (or suggest something specific? I don’t know if you are, but I’ll assume from here on out that you are). Like, as I get older, I find it’s more fun for me to go to someone’s house for drinks and dinner than it is to go out. Or I’m more likely to make it out for brunch and the farmers’ market than I am a night of clubbing. It’s not about being coupled-up for me, it’s that my interests have changed, and on top of that, now that I’m fully into my 30s, my job is more draining (or I have less energy). So happy hour to me sometimes (often!) sounds completely exhausting. I usually take a quick nap or just veg out right after I get home.
Another thing you might try is to send out a general email: “Hey ladies, I miss seeing you. I know everyone’s busy, but I would like to make a time to get together. What day(s) work best for you? Would you prefer brunch, lunch or dinner, or just drinks? Would it be easier for anyone if I hosted a little get together at my house? Any other ideas? Let me know!” And if the response sucks, then you have your answer. And sometimes that happens – you can start losing friends as people’s lives change irrevocably with marriage and kids and careers. But the ones that are worth it, you keep.
This is so true. I’m 33 and have found that my energy level and interests have totally changed over the past 5-10 years. I occasionally meet friends for drinks after work, but I prefer to be home in my sweatpants by 8pm and much prefer brunch and farmer’s market type outings. My schedule has changed a lot now that I’m partnered up, but it’s not because I want to spend all my time with my fiancé, it’s just harder to take both of our schedules into consideration now that we’re a team. I only like to go out once a week, so if we have a party or work thing with his friends I’ll rarely have the energy to go out again.
Also, yeah: once a week is insane. I don’t even go out with my boyfriend once a week. Beyond required practices, I don’t go out with my derby friends once a week. I have trouble doing anything that isn’t absolutely required of me once a week. Once a month, definitely. But beyond that, nooooo.
I LOVE this suggestion.
Yes, once a week is too much to ask!! I’m in my 30’s and comfortable financially, but I have stuff to do, and unless you just want to pop over for coffee on a weekend morning for an hour or something, yes, once a week is too much! I have yoga, and allergy shots weekly, Wine Club monthly and my husband has work obligations, so to try to add something else in there every week is a lot. Plus, since we’ve gotten the dog, I really get it now when my friends said they couldn’t do stuff because of the dog. You can’t just leave them alone all day while your’e at work and then go out right after work!
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Maybe see if you guys can set up a monthly thing, like every 3rd Friday you do Happy Hour and dinner. Also, maybe your friends’ idea of a good time has changed. I know I used to be a huge fan of going out fro drinks, but not as much anymore. So maybe suggest new activities. Maybe a book club, or going to the zoo or one of those paint/drink wine classes that are seeming to pop up all over the place. Try a yoga class with coffee after or going on a hike or something!
It’s soooo hard with a dog. Either I can go to happy hour for like 45 mins max, or I have to plan it a week or two in advance. I can’t do anything straight after work because of the dog pretty much.
Plus I just feel bad being away from him! maybe that’ll get better as time goes on, but I just think about him home alone and get sad! We’re going to a concert on a Friday in June, and I took off that day, so I could be home with him all day, since we’d be gone all night!
Yup that’s not abnormal. I mean, they aren’t cats. And you’re his entire world, whereas we humans have jobs and friends and all this stuff to do.
Some of my girlfriends and I always try to make plans/always say we need to hang out more, but its never really happens, so we set up a monthly thing and its worked out great. I feel like its easy to always say let’s get together soon but then have it never actually happen, so a set plan works great.
Agree with the suggestion of a standing date (like 3rd Friday happy hour) – then whomever can make it can go and you don’t have to worry about getting the whole group there.
WWS, focus on trying to see one or two of your friends once a week. Frankly though, my fiance and I only get together with all of our friends once a month. After work we’re usually working out/cooking dinner. On the weekends we like to do things together, or we’re with family, or traveling to see a different friend/group of friends. If you’re the more social one I suggest that you host parties once a month or once every two months. Invite a bunch of people over and whoever can come, comes.
I’m going to sound like my dad here, but I do think it’s about quality – not quantity – when it comes to seeing friends, especially in your 30s. I’m not on the baby train right now, but between work, family, my husband’s family and his music, I’m lucky if I see some of my friends once or twice a month. You are clearly asking for too much by trying to meet up once a week, so why not plan something for a a weekend night once a month? Have people over for a bbq, drinks, or whatever, etc. Personally, I find I’m more apt to hang if it’s a casual get together at a friend’s place or my own house because by the weekend, I’m too exhausted to try and wrangle a night out in the city.
Can I be a part of this weekly happy hour? Because I would love it! I’ve always liked the idea of a weekly informal happy hour, but it has never worked out so far. Btw, I’m early thirties, too. I think you need something where it’s not a necessity for everyone to participate each and every week. Like if you could always hang out a the same bar on Friday from 5 to 7 (or something) and whoever was free could join you? I think that would be cool. Generally, if you want to meet up more, I think you just have to ask more and see if you get a positive response. Some people are just a little lazy but would be happy to join (yep, talking about myself again). But if you get no response after asking 1-2 times, then yeah, you have to accept that you can’t see your friends that often. I have so many friend I see more like once per month, and it’s still nice to keep up those friendships.
I like that idea too, a weekly hh. Heck I would love to have one in my own life. I think that’s why I’m in like 10 meetup groups, so that I can drop in when I feel like it and know that there’s a regular thing that goes on without the pressure to come all the time. Of course if someone has a weekly conflict, that’s not going to work for them, but I assume by now the LW had a pretty good sense of when people are likely to be free.
WWS, yay, but I think her best piece of advice that got hidden in there was that it might be time to meet some new people and invite them into the fold. It bothers me when people are so focused on maintaining a certain group to the exclusion of anyone new. If like everyone else said one a week is too much to expect of these friends, find friends who would like to meet up more often. Or at least draw from a larger pool of friends if you don’t like that only 3 people show up instead of 6. If you want to spend time with specific individuals, you’re going to have to cater to them more.
*yeah, not yay. Lol.
My friend actually got us all to join a Bocce Ball League that meets once a week for 6 weeks. At first we were all “oh i dont know” and for me i had to give up one of my gym nights, BUT it has been so much fun!! half us us in the group are single, which helps, but it has been a really nice way to get out, do something fun and enjoy the spring weather. Plus it ends in a few weeks, so its not a major commitment and as long as 2 team members show up you can still play as conflicts do come up. Anyway just an idea!
I think something that works for my boyfriend and our group of friends is like an open-ended hangout. Like in the summer every weekend, someone will send out an invitation (FB) for a yard hang with corn hole, frisbee cup, badminton whatever and whomever can make it does, and brings beer and some food and it ends up just being like a fun hang thing typically spanning a whole day and in to the night, or if on Sundays the whole day. If it doesn’t happen *every* weekend it’s not a big deal, but regardless of whether 4 people show up or 20 it is always a good time and a good way for people to come out in a low-stress, not obligated kind of way.
My mother’s day bbq yesterday turned into that and it was awesome! Btw, we played bean bag toss, not “cornhole.”
Happy belated Mother’s Day 🙂 I love BBQs. Is ‘Bean Bag Toss’ a Northern phrase?
No, bean bag toss is just the correct phrase 😉 haha
Thanks mucha!
I thought that was just a universal term for the game!! Ha I guess I haven’t tailgated or been to BBQs in enough of the country.
Cornhole????? Um, that is a not-so-polite term here.
Really? Where I am from in the US it is just a game where toss bean bags on to a board trying to get in a hole…
You’re a cornhole.
Yeah we call that bean bag toss here, corn hole is your butthole.
Yeah, the linguist rules that it is a regional usage. I grew up with “bean bag toss” but it’s definitely called “cornhole” here in DC. And I think I probably giggled the first few times I heard that one…
I have NEVER heard cornhole used as a term for butthole ha. So interesting.
Haha, definitely don’t invite your friends over to play corn hole where I live.
They definitely say corn hole in Richmond. It also reminds me of Beavis and Butthead; I’m pretty sure they used to yell CORNHOLIO all the time.
I haven’t stopped giggling when I hear it. Which is bad when my MIL uses it around my nieces.
I’m one of the most social among my friends so I understand the need to want to spend a lot of time together. For a few years, my friends and I have been having get togethers every Thursday at a restaurant, and it’s really low pressure and whoever can come will come. Sometimes there’s 3 of us, sometimes 10. We do it on a Thursday so we don’t stay out too late but once a week is still challenging for all of us. I think some of this could be due to age and priorities shifting but the majority of our friends are in their late 20s and early 30s so it’s not necessarily an age thing, more of a personal thing I think. It definitely sounds like some of your friends could be starting to try for babies. If you still want to go out bar-hopping and going out all the time, maybe you need another set of friends for that (maybe a younger group too). Even though I love being social, I find it hard to see all my friends regularly. For some, once a month is plenty, especially as we are all going toward different paths in life, and the ones that are most similar to my lifestyle, I see more.
I’m not married but it still can be challenging organizing get togethers. I like to try to plan game nights or movie nights on the projector at our house maybe once every 2 months. I also started a “Restaurant Exploration Club” on facebook, where I post on the group page a new place for the group to go for lunch on the weekend and whoever is free will go.
I’ve pretty much accepted that I’m the planner amongst my friends because we’d never see each other if I didn’t make it happen. They usually attend but they never set things up themselves. It used to annoy me but I just got over it and try to plan things I enjoy and if they can make it, great!
My recommendation would be to start a monthly dinner club. You could decide if it was once a month y’all try a new restaurant or once a month y’all rotate who hosts (with/without a co-host depending on group size) this way y’all could plan a yearly calendar. Stick to the same day, like the 2nd Sunday of the month. This would allow people to plan in (wayyyyy) advance but also keep consistency. It also might appeal to more people. Speaking from my own personal interests, I am really starting to enjoy a small dinner gathering with friends.
LW, I am in my early 30’s and many of my friends are young single/married with no kids professionals, and it is impossible to get us all together with any regularity. Seriously impossible. Even once a month is a stretch oftentimes.
I have a dog and would prefer to be with her above everything else, but a good compromise is spending time at each other’s homes and having everyone bring drinks/snacks. We also do a lot of brunches on Sundays or quick dinners after work, but even that is not weekly by any means.
I’d agree with everyone else to try to appreciate the friends who can get together more regularly and just enjoy the time you do get to spend with those who you see less frequently. As we get older and responsibilities increase, priorities change, and we just have to be understanding about that. I have had to learn that as well!
I have to remind Othello of this when he gets frustrated when our friends can’t get together. We used to hang out with them 2-3 nights a week (which was too exhausting for me!). Now, it’s lucky if we get the whole group together more than once a month. But, we all have obligations now. A few of us have kids, most of us are now married, we have ‘real’ jobs, the list goes on.
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Although, I my biggest frustration with my friends is that it Othello and I are always the ones to plan anything. If we don’t suggest something (dinner, games, bbq, etc), it doesn’t happen. There is only one other couple in our group who will ever ask us to dinner outside of the big group get togethers.
I feel you! I was tired of being the one in our group to get everyone together, so I just stopped. We hang out with our friends who make the effort to see us.
If I did that, I’d only have 3 friends! (Maybe it’s time to make new ones).
Yes once a week is too much to get a big group together but not too much for a couple people. Make a monthly event on Facebook for the big group to get out together- that’s what I do. We are all in a secret group and we discuss when/where to go, then the responsibility of planning lies on the group and not one person. It works really well for us.
I think this is just part of life. As people get coupled up, that relationship assumes priority, especially if they are trying to have kids. (That was a good call on Wendy’s part. It never would have occurred to me.) The 30s are a dynamic time for many people. They get jobs that are often more demanding, get married, have kids, get a dog, buy a house, whatever. I myself have a minimum of two weekly commitments and they sometimes wear me out. Or people’s interests just change. Maybe bar-hopping just isn’t their thing anymore. I go for months sometimes without seeing some of my friends, and it’s okay. I’m going out to dinner with two old friends this week and it took forever to set it up. The key is to have a fulfilling life of your own, so that you don’t have to rely on any one group of friends for good times. If you still like bar-hopping, then find some new friends who are available to do that when you want to do it. It’s perfectly okay to have more than one group of friends. Relationships shift during our lives. This won’t be the first time. Learn to adapt as needed and you’ll be happier.
Wow. I’m in my early 30s and I see my friends (not everyone all together) at least once a week. I feel lucky, given some of these comments.
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I’m not coupled up, but I’m practically the busiest person ever! I know other people in my nursing class have given up their social lives almost entirely, but I refuse to let that happen for my own sanity’s sake. I think I’m the only single person among my friends, so it’s nice that they make time for me. As far as my married-with-kids friends go, I will usually make an effort to go to their houses when I want to spend time with them.
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I’d say to do WWS and try one-on-one hangouts since it’s too hard to get everyone together all at once. Find actual fun things to do, like events, rather than “let’s go here just because” and then people might be more likely to show up.
It’s really good that your social life matches your desire to see your friends but I wouldn’t think that you are any luckier than the other people on this thread. Not everyone has the same desire to see their friends or wants/needs their friends to play a huge role in their lives. Personally I see a friend or two almost every day but that would be way too much for some people. It’s all about what you want, not seeing people X amount of time.
Not lucky, #blessed. 😉 (Too soon?)
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But yeah, that’s what I mean. I’m lucky that my friends want to spend as much time with me as I do with them. I wasn’t making it like a competition (my friends love me the mostest!), but I am honestly surprised that once a week sounds like too much for so many, because I thought it was a pretty “normal” frequency, I guess?
Me too, I don’t think once per week is “too much” – it depends on the friends circle. Personally I’d be happy to have that frequency.
Basically I want to live in “Friends” or “HIMYM”. Don’t they drink in a bar every evening?
I want to do that, too!! If my best friends lived super close, I’d have no problem meeting for a drink 1 or 2 nights a week!
For me, it depends on the friend. Some I see at least once a week for a quick visit, others I’m lucky if I see them once a month.
Never too soon for #blessed.
For me, I probably see *some* friends at least once a week, but it’s rare that I go out with friends more than once a week, and it’s also rare that I see the same group of friends more than a couple of times a month, max. I have my group of derby friends, and while it feels like we hang out constantly, it’s not that often beyond practices. I have two different groups of teacher friends that I hang out with, I have my best friend and the girls she introduced me to, and I have friends from two different theatre scenes. A couple of them will make cracks about how they never see me, and I’m like, “HOLY SHIT I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN.” Maybe I’m weird because I love all these people in different ways and they feed different parts of me, so I can’t possibly choose. But then there are times like this month where I simply have too much going on and not enough time, and the part of me that also needs a night of reading and cooking with Walter is ready to explode at the next person who implies I’m a flaky friend.
I totally hear you with the HOLY SHIT I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN thing. It always seems like I owe people an explanation for why I’m busy or why I may want some time at home, and that just makes me feel resentful.
Well-said! I am single but have no desire to see my friends once a week. Heck, I don’t even always want to see my boyfriend that often. I find I need more time to myself and space as I get older. I went out almost every night until I was in my mid-30s. Then I just became more interested in other things and less interested in constantly socializing. It has nothing to do with luck and there’s no “right” way to socialize. As long as you are doing what works best for you. I’ve had a couple of friends not get it and pressure me to go out more, and it backfired on them because I distanced myself from them. So my only recommendation to LW is to make sure not to pressure or guilt your friends into going out because all you will do is frustrate them.
I’m not even all that social. I guess it’s because I’m single? But if I didn’t see at least one friend once a week, then I would go nuts. I’m not talking about going out, necessarily, but just hanging out. A lot of times we have no-bra and sweats nights where we drink wine and watch Labyrinth.
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I also go nuts if I don’t get a good chunk of alone time at least once a week.
I think I misunderstood and thought we were talking about seeing the same exact person/people once a week. I’m cool with no bra nights! Especially if I can get people to come to my place. I don’t know how I switched from extroverted to introverted, but it definitely happened gradually over the last few years. I think part of it that most of my friends live in a different state and my 4 closest friends in NYC have moved away recently. I just don’t have the same connection to the people I hang out now with so I am more inclined to hermit myself.
It’s definitely hard making new friends as an adult, and getting comfortable enough with new friends to just, like….chill….without going out and making it a big thing. I get that.
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Funny tangentially-related story. My friend is getting ready to move in with her boyfriend. She told her mom that she would leave her bed there at her parents’ because they were going to be using the BF’s bed in the new place, and her mom goes, “What about Cats? Won’t she need it to stay over?”
Right, she’s lucky that her friends have the same desire to see her once a week as she has to see them once a week. I see that as lucky for sure. It would suck if you wanted to see your friends once a week but they never did.
Its lucky when you match up the same like that with friends. I think I’m lucky my friends are cool with how often I’m able to see/not see them.
I had a hard time understanding that my friends who were in relationships when I wasn’t really didn’t have time for me like the good old days. I felt slighted and lost what closeness we previously had. After I finally coupled myself it became obvious that the reason their relationship worked was because it was a priority for them. It’s great to have friends but satisfying primary relationship consumes time and energy. Secondary ones have to take leftovers. The time constraint is one that can’t be expanded. If you value the friends, you’ll be happier if you ration the time you ask of them. After they have kids they’ll have zero time for themselves or friends. Don’t take it as a rebuff, it’s just real life.
This is what I was trying to say above.
I wasn’t trying to steal your wind Kate, you hit Submit before I did, therefor I didn’t see it.
No worries. You said it better than me. I am not too swift in the morning. 🙂
What I find interesting is that some people are justifying the “well, it’s normal to pretty much never have time for friends, because that free time is spent with the partner/doing other things” but later on, in many cases, a person will look around (especially if they have a breakup/divorce) and go “holy shit, I don’t have any friends there for me.” Hm.
There’s a huge spectrum between never having time for friends and seeing a large group of friends on a weekly basis. I maintain friendships with some people that I only see a few times a year. I see other friends on a monthly basis, and others weekly (but only when I’m training for a half marathon).
Welcome to the reality that NOBODY talks about. Yes, people DO get rather boring once they are all paired up. That said — you think things are dull now, just wait till everybody has kids…
Then the divorce happens. And suddenly they want to see you CONSTANTLY. For a while, anyway, ’til they rebound to the next bad relationship…
Gasp! But– you just talked about it!
The first rule of Lame Reality Club is no one talks about Lame Reality Club.
BGM, I’ve always been boring!
Me too, Llama. Me too.
I object!!! I got boring once I turned 30 (and I had already been ‘coupled’ for a few years at that point)!!
Honestly, the things that I used to really enjoy doing, I just don’t enjoy doing all the time anymore. Kind of like when I was a little girl, and one day playing Barbies just wasn’t as fun as it used to be. I like different things than I did when I was 22. I’m ok with it, and it works out pretty well for me, since almost all of my friends have gone through the same transition as well.
I object, too. I don’t think it has anything to do with being part of a couple, but more about priorities changing. Also, now it’s about to get worse for me because I’m going to stay home and play my banjo all summer.
I guess I’ll have to explain to Rudy that Aunt No Pants doesn’t love him anymore. 🙁
Why don’t I just serenade all of you with some crappy banjo picking this summer? (Crappy because I have not taken any lessons yet.)
And you KNOW I’ll make time for you and LP (and GG if she comes back to play).
I’ll always hang out with you guys! Especially if we can cornhole.
Of course we can cornhole. Duh. Also, once I get my adirondack chairs, you two can come over with the cats and Rudy and I’ll put on concerts for you. (Bring earplugs.)
How many times do I have to point out that its called bean bag toss?! FFS.
But it’s called cornhole in Virginia and that’s where I learned to play.
It doesn’t matter No Pants!
I know, I know! I’ve been back in the North for 10 years and need to pick up the lingo. But it’s more fun to say cornhole!
LBH, I wasn’t referring to a bean bag toss…
Neither was I.
Hahaha
Also, He Pants has a little gig this Friday. I’ll send you both the info, if interested. NO pressure. You do not have to hang out with me every week.
I think we have dinner plans with some friends, but if not, I’m there!
I saw that on Facebook and put it on my calendar! We start moving tomorrow but I’m keeping it in mind if we have time for a break! Well, a break that involves me showering and putting on clothes and not just drinking at home…
See, I don’t understand how anyone can say it has NOTHING to do with being a part of a couple. Sure, you get older and you want to “go out” less. That’s fine. But if you didn’t have a partner as that “default” person that you are always with, and you lived alone, I guaranfuckingtee you’d be trying harder to spend more time with friends. Otherwise, what would you do? (General “you,” not just No Pants).
I LOVE being alone. Love it. Most of the things that Dave and I do together, I’d be happy to do alone (Watch TV, go on hikes, run, yoga, drink wine).
When I lived alone and didn’t have TV, I used to go to the corner bars by myself a lot, too, and make friends with the old men there.
I think we are the same person. I used to go to bars by myself all the time and become friends with the regulars.
I love being alone too!! I seriously go insane if I don’t have at least a full DAY per week of “me time.” I do all the things you mention (except running, yuck 😛 )…including going to bars and making FRIENDS with people? (Haha, you kind of proved my point).
I go insane, too. 🙂 Like, I get irritable and cranky.
Yeahhh, if I don’t get enough downtime then I definitely will start canceling things. Me & my friend will just tell each other, “Hey I need to just be at home alone tonight,” and we both get it. INTROVERTS UNITE!
YES! INTROVERTS FOR PRESIDENT. Just kidding. One of my friends (who lives a billion states away) and I will have “text dates,” since we both hate talking on the phone. It works out quite well for the two of us.
Cats, I honestly was speaking from my own experience. Even when I was single and living in the city, I still liked to be by myself and was cutting down on the time I spent out and about with friends.
I am going to be 30 next year and am starting to see a difference in how much I want to go out. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to see my friends, but I’ve pretty much given up asking (b/c everyone is busy anyway), but there are some days where I just want to go out to a hockey game (for example) for two hours and come home, not spend another 1-2 hours out eating and drinking.
Also, the fact that my work shifts end between 11 p.m.-1 a.m. when I am working leaves me not a very energetic person. I work a day shift on Saturdays, but even then sometimes I’m not all into going out for much beyond dinner and home.
I’m not sure if people posted all these points…
But yes, 1x per week sounds exhausting in my thirties. Even before children, I was lucky with 1x per month with a particular group of people. I haven’t seen my best friend who lives 20 min away in 3 months (granted, we have kids, but still!)
Also, just because people CAN afford it, doesn’t mean they want to spend their money the way you would. Maybe they are saving for a house, fabulous vacation, or future kids.
And lastly, you are just getting older in general, I bet people have started to settle because they don’t want that scene anymore (or at least not as often)!
I posted a similar gripe to this within the last couple years on the forum, and got the same chew-out for having way too high expectations of my friends’ availability and taking it personally. For me, it was because there was a major and sudden shift – my tight-knit group had been hanging out multiple times a week at the same house and making plans almost every weekend, and sustained this for over a year … then suddenly, we all moved, the one single guy among us coupled up, people started working different jobs and schedules and one went back to college, and it felt like the whole group was coming apart at the seams. And I was the one freaking out – partially because I had been ditched by friend circles before and it cut me deep, so when I felt my social connections wilting, I panicked.
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Ultimately, the friends who wanted to stay friends found ways to make it work, while a few others ghosted. Even for those who stuck around, it’s much more likely that we hang out one-on-one or in smaller groups than trying to get everyone together on the same day. Because we have a mix of full-timers and part-timers who work variable schedules on weekdays and weekends, that mess takes ADVANCED planning if we’re all going to be present at the same time, I’ve never had my social calendar mapped out months ahead of time until this year. It takes some getting used to, but there are ways to meet your social needs in something other than “group mode.”
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As a side note, I’ve been majorly expanding my social circle in the last couple months since I’ve been separated. I’ve started using MeetUp, and also just striking up conversations with random people from yoga or my writing classes or wherever, and it’s been awesome! Because guess what, now I don’t have to rely on the availability of one or two of my core friends if I want to go out and do something. And I’m meeting people who enjoy things that my core friends don’t, like the outdoors and poetry. (Or like, my core friends are fitness instructors, so the last thing they want to do is get together and work out in their spare time.) So, LW, expand those social horizons. It’s a little awkward at first, “new kid in the cafeteria doesn’t know where to sit”-like, but for me at least, it’s been really rewarding.
I love meetup groups. When my bestest Philly friend moved away, I didn’t really have any friends in my core group who liked to do a lot of the things I enjoy. Even if you don’t make lifelong friendships, it is still fun to get out, meet new people and get to spend your time doing what you like.
It also taught me that people you meet in these groups don’t have to be your best friends forever, and that’s ok.
YES, to your second point. I have struggled a lot with that in my 20s, thinking everyone I meet is my new BFF and we have to be super close and see each other all the time and share everything for our friendship to be legit, and anything less than that is not a real friend… learning that it’s okay to have some super close friends and some that are at arms’ length, or further, has been a big paradigm shift. And I still tend to overshare with new friends anyway, so it’s not like I’ve totally kicked the habit.
I feel like it’s a learning process. I am a very sensitive lady and it took a long time to be ok with not being super close with everyone. To your point, I have friendships on all levels and I recognize now that they are all important and make me happy.
I’m also a fan of meetup groups. I’ve been to a handful and end up finding some nice people to spend time with. There are very few I have had plans with outside of the meetup group, but I like that I can join already made plans and hopefully meet some new and interesting people.
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And KKZ, man do I hear you on the freaking out over the disbanding of groups. I’ve totally had the same reaction: college, leaving Philly, and probably others. I think I’ll always get a little sad when a group organically goes its own way, but you’re totally right that the real friends you’ll find a way to make an effort with. I’ve gotten somewhat used to making new friends more often, but I still get all the feelings when people move on with their lives.
The only MeetUp I’ve gone to so far was for a local “Creatives Club” – artists of all different backgrounds and media, meet & greet at this cute little coffeehouse/bar downtownish. There’s another one with them this week and I’m pretty sure I’m going again. I’ve joined other interest groups but haven’t gone to their events yet… I’ve been crazy busy as it is and got into a kind of “say yes to everything” mode in April and am trying to slow down a little, and choose how I spend my time a little more carefully. (Part of that is also needing to exercise more discipline if this self-employment thing is going to work.) If anything, though, MeetUp has shown me just how many *awesome* things are happening in this city every week. Free yoga in the park downtown, drum circles on Tuesday nights at a different park, zen meditation circles three times a week, free concerts at the zoo, events for dog owners (like the Pup Crawl), and a trendy downtown “art museum hotel” with a rooftop terrace bar. I feel positively spoiled.
And yeah, relating to your second point, this is sort of a new ground for me – having a social life entirely to my own, not shared with a spouse. We still have plenty of mutual friends and can all hang out as a group on the rare occasion that can happen (it did this past Saturday, though, so it’s not impossible). But I was starting to feel a little socially frustrated over the last couple years when my ex was traveling all the time, so every weekend that he was home, I spent with him. And I wasn’t doing a ton of my own thing during the week because I worked all day and went right home to the dog. So I think in that light, it’s not surprising that I’m in a very “meet ALL the people!” mood lately. Because I can. 🙂
And the friends that survived the schism? Some of my closest and most trusted.
I would suggest something fun, like a BBQ and then just invite people. Once a week is too much, but once a month might not be. Life gets busy as you get older, and going out to a bar once a week sounds exhausting. I would make time for a monthly friend BBQ though
Guys, I think I’m weird. I’ve never had like a “group of friends” (TM) that I have hung out with on a regular basis. I have a lot of people that I would consider friends, and a few that I would consider close friends, but not that many of them are all that close to one another. Even in high school I had “math friend(s)” and “cross country friend(s)” and “band friend(s)” and there was some overlap but most of it wasn’t overlap. Same thing kind of happened in college, on top of being an introvert and just working and being in school all the time and sometimes having a boyfriend. And it totally doesn’t bug me? Like, I enjoy chatting with people at whatever level of intimacy is comfortable for them, or doing mutually enjoyable activities, etc. And if I want to do something else/talk about something that isn’t filed under their category then I just hang out with that other person and it’s no big deal. I think my friends know this about me, and I’ve honestly told them that I’m “accidentally-out-of-sight-out-of-mind” with almost everybody. Plus I’ve been so busy I’m basically on a “see each friend hopefully every 3 months” schedule, not counting veterinary school people.
Side note people, WHEN is the next deleted thread? Shit got real this weekend and I want to overshare with my internet friends. Because internet friends are awesome like that.
LW, why don’t you just drink wine in your house and start a forum thread every week and hangout with all of us???
That’s the 3rd deleted thread request in a week! I need to know the secrets!
That’s why our hair is so big, it’s full of secrets.
Yes!
Next deleted thread I tell you about how I grew up in the Mean Girls area…
Yep, I don’t have *a* group of friends – just lots of random friends scattered about. High school friends, belly dance friends, childhood friends, Springfield friends, etc.
I was always like that, too. I had close friends who were in different circles in high school and college. Even now, most of my friends don’t overlap. In fact, I think I’ve only hung out with my 3 best friends all at the same time for wedding related stuff (bridal shower, bachelorette dinner and actual wedding).
Alice, I (in the past) have been the same way. Tons of friends that barely even know each other – I’d just get together with one friend here, maybe join a friend and her group there, meet with another friend there, etc. In the last few years though I’ve made a conscious ever to create a group – and give the group most of my time. It’s been fun having a group!!!!! I recommend it.
I wish I was able to get together with my friends once a week! Between work schedules, we’re lucky if we get to see anyone once every couple of months. None of us have kids, but it’s still hard to find a time that works for everyone.
I’m really late to the party but I agree with the majority – I think trying to get your group together once a week is asking a lot. I have three really close friends – we are all single professionals that live and work near each other and we see each other about once a week – sometimes more often. And sometimes it’s too much, when you consider some evenings you may need to work or may want to work out or may want to just chill at home or may need to run errands or may have other friends to catch up with. So asking to see your friends who are married and so have a spouse to consider? Yea, I think once a week is a lot. I’d try to organize something once every other week or once a month…
Dude, meeting up with people once a week sounds exhausting! With my coworkwer-friends, I have a standing every-other-week happy hour that we don’t even get to do that often. And that’s just literally “depart work, go to bar” and we can’t make that happen sometimes. So first, lower your expectations. Aim for seeing one friend every week, but not ALL THE FRIENDS every week. And aim for getting the whole group together once a month.
I’m a big believer in “if you build it, they will come” so I suggest you plan a little party. It doesn’t have to be super formal or a lot of work on your part (make a pitcher of sangria and some appetizers, tidy up your house– it will be good motivation to clean!), but if you make it seem like “I’m having this party” rather than “hey why don’t you come hang out at my place” I think people will make it a priority. (Basically, send an e-vite and put a tiny bit of work into it, and you’ll reap the benefits.)
I know I am years late to this convo. But I agree that once a week hang outs are too much for most couples. Speaking for my spouse and I, we work full time all week long and take our kids to stuff in the afternoon. The weekends are the only time we have to rest and recharge. There’s just no room to see a friend as often as once a week because that would mean sacrificing our down time which is non negotiable.
My spouse has a friend that is always inviting us to stuff. It seems like he wants to see us nearly every weekend. It’s exhausting. We saw him the last two weekends in a row, and this weekend attended an event with him, and today he has my husband helping with another friend who is moving. He is single and carefree and has lots of free time. And while I appreciate his friendship he doesn’t seem to realize how much he obligates and imposes on us. And he doesn’t get the hint when we have turned down numerous invitations and attempts to reserve us for something nearly every Saturday. NO. It sucks to have to say no so often but NO. I just want to stay home and enjoy my house and my peace and quiet. Not only that, when we hang out so often, I don’t get the chance to get caught up on household chores that I have put off all week long. Or even the backlog of Netflix shows I have not gotten a chance to sit and watch. So the resentment continues to build.
If you are reading this and you are single amd always inviting a couple or one segment of a couple to hang out and they rarely invite you to anything, or they tell you no jumeroos times please back off and re-examine
Ugghhh I accidentally hit submit early. I was saying…
If you are reading this and you are single and always inviting a couple or one segment of a couple to hang out and they rarely invite you to anything, or they tell you no numerous times, please back off and re-examine the situation. Reduce the frequency of invitations and give your friends the space they obviously need.