“My Husband and I Can’t Agree on Where to Move”
I don’t know how to handle this situation because I know marriage is about compromise but it feels like a losing situation. Either we move where I want to and he’s not happy, or I give in and go where he wants to and then I’m not happy. I love him and other than this issue I feel we have a good relationship. I hate to say that I can’t be happy living anywhere else, but I worry I will resent him for not wanting to live where I think I would be most happy living. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. — New Wife Wants to Move
Well, you’re right; marriage is about compromise. But what’s the compromise you’re willing to make? You’re basically saying that you want to move to your hometown and if your husband doesn’t go along with that, you’ll resent him for it. You seem to think the only options you have are to move where you want to move or move where your husband wants to move. I say, why do you have to move at all? Wouldn’t a compromise mean staying in a neutral spot where neither of you feels like you’re sacrificing what you want solely for the other person? Stay where you are and you’re still just two hours from your family. Two hours is nothing. You and your family could meet halfway every weekend if you wanted. Or you could take your future children to your hometown for a weekend trip once a month, easily, and your sisters could bring their kids to visit you once a month.
Tell your husband that if he agrees to stay where you currently live so you’re an easy commute to your family, you’ll be happy vacationing somewhere warm every winter — wherever he wants to go. Explain to him how important it is to be close to your family, especially since you two hope to have children, and you’d love for them to be near their grandparents and cousins. For a compromise, discuss the possibility of retiring some place warm once your kids are grown. Marriage — at least when it’s done successfully — isn’t some short-term thing. It’s (hopefully) for many decades. What you decide for your life right now or even for the next 20 years doesn’t have to be forever. You can raise a family in one location and then move to an entirely different location years from now. Newsflash: you can move whenever you want to move. You don’t have to decide where you’ll spend the rest of your married life right now.
So unless there’s some inciting incident that requires immediate decision-making — like a job offer in another part of the country — stay put. You’ve been married only seven months. Focus on smoothing the transition into married life before you worry about where you’re going to raise the children you haven’t even started trying to conceive yet. Enjoy being an aunt; enjoy being a wife. Increase your visits to your family if you miss the close connection with them. But put talks of moving on hold for now. And practice the art of comprise on smaller issues, like what to eat for dinner and whether to see “Moonrise Kingdom” or “The Dark Knight Rises” at the theater this weekend.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
You lovee that stock photo, Wendy 😉
Also, obviously– great advice. The LW says marriage is all about compromise, then sounds as if she thinks there are ONLY two options. Compromise is about meeting in the middle as best you can, not agreeing to something you don’t want & resenting your partner for it.
I get what Wendy’s saying that they don’t need to decide where to live for forever right now, and I agree that 2 hours is a good distance to be from family. But when it comes to having children it is a LOT more convenient to have family in the same town as you. Growing up I never had babysitters, I only had family watch me. And we always had family members around to pick up someone from soccer or drop 3 cousins off at hockey. I think what the LW is talking about is the potential that her kids will see their cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents once a month versus on a daily or weekly basis. And if she is the primary caregiver this can make a big difference.
That’s assuming they are willing to watch the kids or do pickup and drop off. Big assumption.
Also, besides going to a place where he doesn’t want to live, LW is really demanding that her husband live a life which will be smothered by her family. That needs to be part of the discussion. How much of the life she sees for them is her back with her parents and sisters and him as the fifth wheel? How does husband get along with LW family? How well do they treat him? Do husband and LW’s sisters and their husbands have anything in common?
i was wondering as i read the letter- why do you need to move anyway?
moving where your family is (vs. where your partners family is) will always be a point of contention. when my boyfriend and i graduated college, we both got a job, at the same place actually, in my home state. we didnt plan it- we were applying all over the country and actually came very close to moving to murtle beach! so we were about an hour away from my mom, but in my home state- and his mother was LIVID. absolutely livid. and i felt so bad for my mom, she really tried not to “act” excited at graduation when they were all there together and told his parents that she would be there for us when we needed anything, ect… and his mom was just terrible to my mom. it was sad.
so, i wonder- what about his family? you are so worried about being by your family when you start having kids- what about his? how are you going to formulate a plan to include both families in the kids life? that seems to be a much more pertinent issue then living in a warm place… i wonder if that is just an excuse not to go closer to your family.. and also, two hours really is nothing. it would be very easy for your kids to have great relationships with your family 2 hours away. my grandma lived states away from us when we were kids and we had a great relationship with her, and also you could live in the same town as your family and still only see them once a month if you dont put in effort… so dont worry so much about the distance between the families. worry more about how you will bring all the family (both sides) together and into your kids life.
Wendy definitely has good advice here.
As a couple you will have to work out how you solve issues when you don’t agree. Some couples go with the spouse who feels most strongly, some couples go with the spouse that is most dominant, some couple work things out other ways. My husband and I eliminate any option either of us doesn’t like. In this case that means we would eliminate moving to your hometown and also moving a long distance south. So what’s left? Everything in between. You can stay where you are as Wendy mentioned. You could move a little closer to your parents. You could move closer to his parents if you get along with them. You could look for your favorite town in the area where you live and choose it. You could look at all of the area school districts and choose a home in one that has great schools. You could look at commuting time and decide what is a reasonable drive for each of you and choose a home in the area that meets your driving needs. You have lots of options left so try to not get into a fight over the options that either one of you dislikes.
I think it is important to remember that when you married your husband he became your primary family and your parents and sisters became your extended family. Finding a workable solution with your husband should be your priority. If you have children and you find you need more help then, at that time, you could discuss moving closer to the family of one of you, realizing it could be his family you would live near.
very good to point out that the husband is the primary family member now… i really wish that was much more clearly explained or known during the wedding/ceremony/general societal attitudes on weddings. some people use the “giving away of the bride” as that, but i dont really think that many people truly understand it. maybe, at only seven months into the marriage, she hasnt come to terms with that yet.
I think Wendy’s advice is spot on.
And LW, let me reassure you. Two hours really is nothing. Two of my mom’s sisters lived two hours away from us. We spent A LOT of time with them growing up. Holidays, weeks at a time in the summer, a weekend here or there. We would also do as Wendy suggested, and meet in a town halfway between us for an afternoon. You know what? I still have an amazing relationship with all my cousins. We’re all 26+ in age and four out of the seven of us live within 2 miles of one another. Three of them went to the same college. We all visit. E-mail. Chat. Text.
I guess what I’m saying is, you can make it work. You just have to want to make it work.
So this is only because the LW’s husband wants “to move someplace warm”, but I think it’s a little ridiculous if he isn’t concerned about being close to his family that he won’t live close to her family? That still leaves room for future places of living and also leaves room for warm vacation compromises…with added benefit of easier child rearing…
If this was a battle between two families I could see splitting the difference to make everyone happy, but it is about “living some place warm”……I don’t know. Maybe I’m crazy.
Two hours really is nothing. I live in NC and my family is in CA. I would love to be just two hours away from them. That’s plenty close to visit on the weekend and holidays. During the week, I assume you are busy with jobs and your own lives, so you wouldn’t be going to see your parents on a random Thursday night regardless of if you lived in the same town. And as a married couple, you need to focus on the family you and your husband are creating together. Yes, your parents and siblings will always be your family, but your husband and future kids should be your priority. Living that close to in-laws when one spouse doesn’t want to is just a recipe for disaster. He will probably resent you even more than you’ll resent him if you moved farther away.
Stay where you are. Save the money you would have spent on moving for when you have kids someday, because they’re really expensive!
i always wonder when Wendy gets these letters if people talked about any of these things before they got married.
i agree with Wendy that you both are missing the fact that the compromise would be to neither move somewhere completely different just for a different climate or to move back home. have you even researched these areas for job prospects, housing, schools? how feasible is it to move your careers. do you have a support system of friends where you are?
in the grand scheme of things 2 hours is nothing. sure your parents can’t come over to baby-sit at the drop of a hat. but, it’s close enough where as your children age they could easily go to grandma’s for the weekend. or make the compromise of getting a house with enough bedrooms that you always have a place for guests to stay so your parents can come and stay with you some (as well as his).
I can’t believe this wasn’t discussed pre-marriage, as others have expressed on here. This is a major issue… but Wendy is right, you haven’t got to move, have you? And two hours is pretty close… heck, my sister in law lives in Scotland for god’s sake! Count your lucky stars you can get in a car and see your family.
If you feel like moving back to your hometown is a deal breaker, count yourself lucky your don’t have any children yet, get a divorce and MOA! But if you really want to be married, then find a compromise that works for both of you–not just one of you. There is a big wide world out there, and lots of options. You have only shone light on two of them. Sheesh.
Paraphrasing for clarity: “I thought marriage was all about compromise… So how come he won’t do what I demand we do?”
Huh? Again, that this was NOT discussed before your nuptials is rather amazing to me. But then, considering how vapid most people seem to be lately, I guess it’s not THAT surprising…
PS: As somebody who now does live where it’s warm all year — I can very much see the appeal. But again… Neither of you discussed this? Seriously?
Wendy’s advice is exactly what I was thinking throughout the entire letter. It makes me wonder if the LW has ever compromised on anything because she seems to have no clue what it means. Looking at every decision as a lose-lose situation is going to make for a very unhappy marriage. The thing about marriage is that you can’t make every decision on your own anymore. You may see your sisters moving home and want to do the same, but you have another person to think about. Wendy is right; two hours is not that far. Be grateful for that and the fact that you’re not farther away.
It’s probably just me, but some women these days are really hung up on their family. Like, have to still live really close to parents and siblings.
Read between the lines…he doesn’t want to be smothered by LW’s family. Would the LW want to hang out with his family all the time?
And the LW got married without understanding compromise.
It really does seem to be your way or highway of resentment. Maybe you guys want to buy a book on navigating issues in a marriage or something?
My husband loves him some Texas – loves Austin – loves the people – loves the weather. I have my own business and am not oh so mobile and I love living in Canada and would want to raise my kids here. I don’t know a soul in Austin – but I’m going to visit next month on a fact finding mission and maybe we can get another property there and be a little back and forth …and I’ve already agreed that we can retire there to escape winters since he loves it so much whereas my ideal retirement involves an island somewhere in the tropics where I can have a mango tree in my front yard. It isn’t all or nothing. It’s a little bit of what everyone wants spread out over the course of our lives together. Ultimately, my home is where he is – his home is where I am and no one resents anything about that.
The way I read it, staying where they are isn’t a compromise either, it’s a “if I can’t have what I want, then neither can you” situation. They aren’t somewhere warm now, and they aren’t going to reap the benefits of living in the same town with a huge support system (I know to someone with parents living across the ocean, 2 hours isn’t THAT far, but you can’t call you mom or sister to come help you with a crisis with the kids any ol’ time. And frankly, once kids are involved, its difficult to coordinate schedules, and meeting every weekend is just not realistic).
I do think they need to look at the pros/cons of each location, and come up with a compromise. Some of my thoughts to help the process along — in the warm place, is there a support structure at all (husband’s family, friends, etc)? does the husband get along with your family? is money an issue — like could you have a summer home (or time share) in a warm location to go to several times a year? Are you really ready to have kids RIGHT NOW? Could you move to a warm place for 1-2 years till you are ready, then move to hometown when you are ready to have kids? Does husband grasp that once a baby is born, he might not actually have that much free time to enjoy said warm weather (especially if there is NO support system)? Maybe after 2 years, the reader might fall in love with a warm place (or build a suitable support system), too, and not want to leave? Also, I like Wendy’s suggestion to live in hometown till kids are grown (or teenagers, when less family support is needed) and then move somewhere warm.
In the LW’s defense, I think that new baby family members and possibly her ticking clock is why this didn’t come up before. You dont know how that will affect you when’ you’re young and possibly hang out more with friends than family. My husband and I were married for 9 yrs, and lived together for 4 years beforehand, and we had always been on the same page about being open to moving all over the country. But the second my niece was born, I was done with the moving chats and announced I wanted to stay put and close to her, and thank goodness my husband gets it.
I don’t understand how people get married with out talking about these issues. Especially w/ the divorce rate as high as it is. Don’t you want the best chances of success in your marriage?
My husband & I attended an “Engaged Encounter” weekend before we got hitched, and we went through so many different topics that were typical issues in marriage, like money, family involvement, sex, conflict resolution, religion, the 5 love languages, etc. It was all focused on us, so we didn’t even have to talk to anyone other than each other. A topic would be presented, then we’d be given a set of questions to journal about individually, then we shared with our betrothed. I’d highly recommend it, or some sort of pre-marital counseling, or even just going through a “before you get married” book w/ your fiance – something to make sure you address things before you get married. There could very well be some big issues that you haven’t even thought about.
Come on guys, she’s being honest. Of course she knows what compromise is. I think we’re being unfair.
She could have written a more “PC” letter, but she wrote an honest one. She says that she knows marriage is about compromise, but she still really wants this particular thing and doesn’t like her husband’s preference on the issue. She’s asking for help understanding what a compromise should look like in this case, because she’s having a hard time seeing it, as her preference is so strong. And she’s being honest that on this issue, she’s scared she’ll resent her husband if she’s not near her family. Which she doesn’t want to be, especially because that’s not part of “compromising.” So she’s asking for help finding a solution with no resentment.
I dont’ think that she’s doesn’t know what compromise is or thinks that it has to be her way or the highway. She just really doesn’t want to do what he wants to do and is trying to manage that fact. She can’t help that she feels this way;she’s asking for help dealing with feeling this way. I think everyone has been in this position before — you want to compromise but you just plain don’t like the other person’s suggestion and you feel really strongly about your own preference.
Of course this should have been discussed earlier, but there’s a good chance it was, but theoretically. And now that it’s real, different preferences are coming out. Maybe he said he was fine living near her family, but it turns out they had different definitions of “near.” Or maybe her family has gotten more involved since the wedding and he’s changed his mind. Maybe he just visited a friend in Palm Springs and suddenly has a newfound desire to live where it’s warm. Either way, she’s trying to find the middle ground but she doesn’t see it and she wrote in for help doing so. None of this makes her selfish or uncompromising or petulant.
I think that when you do plan on having kids, it would be really beneficial to be near family. If it is the LW who is going to be staying home more, or maybe working part time (I don’t know if this is going to happen, but just speculating) then she will need all the help that she can get. Stay at home moms have so much to do, and without family nearby, it would probably be very difficult/expensive to get some extra help. It would also be really nice for her kids to have little playmates and bunch of family to be around. 2 hours isn’t SO far.
So, you can always move later, or move somewhere now and move back when you do decide to have babies, or what have you. You don’t have to move this very minute, but keep your options open.
If it is the LW who is going to be staying home more
This is the part of the letter that needs fleshing out. Personally I found it beneficial to have some distance from family (so we could figure things out for ourseleves, forge our own path etc.) but we both had enough flexibility in our jobs to share the burden. If LW’s husband is working 80 hours a week, it’s much more understandable for her to want to be near her extended family.
My translation of LW’s argument: “I need to be near my mommy so I can have babies.”
Ugh, grow the hell up, woman, and get a life! You make June Cleaver look like Gloria Steinem!
Sure, it’d be nice to be near your extended family when the time comes for children. But it doesn’t necessarily follow that you WILL be miserable if you aren’t. Instead of being a bit player in the wider story of your parent’s marriage, you have an opportunity to be the lead player in your own. Put on your Big Girl pants and recognise the choice for what it REALLY is.
Speaking as someone who moved to a more family friendly country after having kids (so we could have one parent home) this response is as far from family friendly as it gets. Family help
And support with kids is the only way women can continue in their careers unless they are the 1 % or live in some imaginary cheap childcare area.
My comment is going to be in stark contrast with everyone else’s, but whatevs. I cannot be the only person on DW who plans on living hours away from family when kids happen. We could not deal with the outdated parenting advice from my ILs, any unsupervised contact with FFIL (he’s sexist and crazy, so he can’t be alone with any of our kids, really), and them doing whatever they wanted and harassing us constantly. No thanks. For instance, I think Scranton has the only groups of people that are anti-breastfeeding. NOT supporting women who choose not to or who can’t, but who actively oppose it, like my family … which is why my sister is HIDING how she wants to feed my niece. lol (My sister is also trying to find a creative way to keep Grandmazilla from showing up at the hospital the second her water breaks and sitting outside of the room. lol.)
LW, your husband probably thinks that your family is smothering. I feel smothered by your family just by reading your letter. An ultra-close family with tons of kids and siblings and parents, living in the same town … no thanks. It’s a good way to lose focus on your own marriage and become part of a larger family rather than your own family unit. It sounds like that’s what YOU want, but it’s not what your husband was expecting. Your husband probably doesn’t give a shit about living someplace warm (or maybe he does, who knows), he just doesn’t want to live near your family but doesn’t want to upset you by suggesting that they’re smothering. You and your husband are a family unit now, so be one. Work this problem out, and NOT by digging your heels in about moving in next door to your mom.
Wow. What Wendy Said. Stay put. It’s do obvious in hindsight, yet I read the letter thinking “How the hell is she going to solve this?”
Of course: do nothing!!!! It’s brilliant. And the husband, well, he just has to suck it up and wear the consequences of moving his wife to the current location in the first place. (her: “I moved here for you, and I like it here now. So honey, let’s stay here!”)
Actually, I think this is a situation which allows some time for experimentation and observation. It doesn’t sound like LW is planning to have babies right away. Her sisters are. LW and husband can take a few vacations in her hometown, visiting with her extended family and allowing husband to see what there is and isn’t to do, apart from extended family, in that area. I say vacation, rather than visit, to give time away from family, doing fun things on their own.
This also allows the observation. Take a couple years to observe how the move back home is working/not working for LW’s sisters and their husbands. Can they live a fairly independent life, in charge of their own nuclear family, set their own family rituals, give the husband an equal role in deciding what they do? Or does honest observation say that the move back home turned out not-so-good for sisters’ families. After seeing how this works in practice for the sibs, LW and her husband may well find themselves on the same page.
I am in a similar situation but mine has alot more road blocks that my wife and her brother keep trying to get around. We currently live and both have grown up in NJ. We have a house, 2 1/2 kids (dog), and both have decent jobs. My wifes brother (who just had a baby) lives in warm Charleston SC and my wife is all about moving there to have our kids be close to his and also for the warmer weather and cheaper cost of living. All sounds great but there are no jobs in that location for my degree and work experience ( very speciallized field) I have found job posting about 4 hours from Charleston and that is not good enough… I have tried to put the idea of moving to a cheaper location around NJ/PA area and maybe buy something down in SC that we can vacation at during the summer ( wife has off for 2 months in the summer) no no doesn’t want to move to the locations in NJ / PA that are cheaper… this is a constant problem….. I don’t know what to do anymore HELP…
This is so us! My husband and I are from the same little town. Our parents actually live just about a mile away from each other. We lived next door to his parents for the first almost two years of our marriage and now live 20 minutes away. We see both of our families fairly frequently and get along well with both of them. My husbands parents own a big farm and he wants to buy land from them and build a “final home” where we will live..well until one or both of us is old and dead. While I love both of our families the idea of living right next door to his parents and just down the road from mine for the rest of my life (i am in my 20s) makes me crazy. I’m not ready to settle down at this point in my life. And I don’t know if I would want to live that close ever. I am very independent and like my personal space. My husband on the other hand is in his 30’s and sees nothing wrong with settling down in a place he wants to live forever. I would love to live somewhere warm- not to get away from our families but because I am a full time stay at home mom of two little kids and it is so cold and snowy and windy here 6 months out of the year I can’t even go outside with the kids. But I know my husband will never move away from family. He has always had in the back of his mind he will buy his parents farm and live there forever. There has never been another option in his mind. I don’t want him to be unhappy. But i just don’t think i would be happy being essentially in my in laws back yard and a mile away from my parents. I love them all dearly- but i want space to be our own family. And I’m just not sure i want to commit to living in the exact same house in the exact same freezing cold place for the next 70 years.
I have the same issue. Although its him wanting to stay in his home town where I want to be just outside of the area. His daughter is just across the bridge into PA so I get he wants to be at least 20-30 min from her. But…. he won’t budge on a location that allows for that but extends his commute time. Our commutes are the same distance opposite directions. It’s frustrating.
I’m going through this with my husband. He wants warm and I want to live near family. It depresses me a lot that we aren’t near family, we have two little toddlers and a third on the way and I want them to grow up with lots of relatives nearby because I didn’t get to have that growing up. I feel so depressed that we can’t be happy where the other is happiest. But it helps to know that we’ll probably be together for decades and life always changes .
So assuming these conversations were had as part of the decision to spend their lives together, I wonder now these preferences have changed. The decision to have children without family support is a bold one and I would hope they would at least stay put or move closer to family while the children are little and then decide how much support they need.