“My Boyfriend Went Out With Another Woman”
With the exception of that week, he’s been great and we have lots of fun together. I believe what prompted this confession was that his feelings for me were deepening and he wanted to make things right, so to say. He’s apologized countless times, said he’ll do anything to make things right and wants to make this work. He’s everything I’ve been looking for and before this confession – I really saw a long-term future with him. What should I do? — The New Girlfriend
If you truly saw a long-term future with him, even though it sounds like you barely know him and just ended a 4-year relationship with someone else, I wouldn’t let a date and one kiss with someone else a few weeks after you met stand in your way. It was dumb of him to ask you to be his girlfriend when he still needed to go out with someone else to make sure he was into you, and it wasn’t the most emotionally responsible move for you to accept his offer if you hardly knew him and possibly hadn’t yet fully processed your recent breakup, but, what the hell — if you and he have fun together, keep getting to know him and see where things lead. I wouldn’t, however, put a deposit down on a wedding venue just yet.
The question should be: do you want to tell him, and, if so, why? If your motive is to be open about something you consider an important tidbit of information that paints a broader picture of who you are, then, by all means, tell him when you decide you trust him enough to share something that personal. If you think have an obligation to tell him, I’d wait until you have a better reason to share that part of your personal history and it doesn’t feel so raw.
I’m a person who can’t do the same thing all the time. I told him that I felt bored, and he said he didn’t have money and energy and he is tired when we hang out. Thanks for your suggestions. — Modern Woman
So, he picks you up for work, takes you out for burgers, and cooks for you once a week? What do you do for him? If you’re so tired of doing the same things all the time and if your boyfriend is on a tight budget, here’s a novel idea: YOU make some plans and foot the bill every once in a while. Here are 52 cheap date ideas to get you started.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW1 and 2 WWS
LW3 WWS (why don´t you foot the bill or plan something for once), but also, maybe do some soul searching on if this relationship is right for you? I´m kind of in a rut as to what I do with my husband, but neither of us are bored with it (and we´ve been together for 10 years). Also, I think it´s great that your BF recognizes and works within his financial limitations, you hear of so many people living outside their means only to build up debt.
There’s nothing sexier than a guy who lives within his financial means, LW3! I mean, there are other qualities that I also find sexy, but this one seems so rare these days – not just for dudes, for everyone. I agree with Wendy and JK above – why don’t you plan something or take out your boyfriend? I assume your budget is less tight (otherwise you would have mentioned it, right?), so take him out on the town or out of town for the weekend! Or, you could drop some cash on ALL the movie channels, order in Thai, pizza, Chinese, and whatever else delivers, and endulge! God that’s what I want to do this weekend.
Right? You would think that if you have known somebody for that long, and you have the dough to do it, then why isn’t she bringing him out since she wants to do it so bad! I mean I can see how somebody might want to have something special done for them every once in a while, but right now that doesn’t seem possible. Maybe they should move in to save some money too, if they have been together long enough, and can see a long term future.
LW1: WWS. He shouldn’t have asked you so quickly to become exclusive, & you shouldn’t have accepted. But if you like him, I’d say you can go for a do-over & see how things work out.
LW2: WWS– nothing to add for that one.
LW3: “we don’t even hang out on Saturdays anymore because that means spending more money” How? I mean, unless you guys live far away from each other & are factoring in travel costs, why can’t you just…stay in? Like JK said, maybe this relationship isn’t the right one if you can’t even have fun together without spending money. Also, you don’t mention YOUR financial situation. Are YOU on such a tight budget that you can’t pay for anything? When my boyfriend is scrimping & I feel like eating out, I’ll offer to pay. This is something you can start doing as well, if you’re so bored. I think it’s kind of funny you signed off with “Modern Woman” when, like Wendy said, you’re acting like this is the 1950’s.
Also why can’t they hit happy our somewhere, get some cheap drinks, and then eat at home? Or the opposite eat at home, and have a one or two drinks each while out and water in between, and still be social! If I’m ever short on money, I will always say no to dinner with my friends, but always meet up after for a drink, so I’m only spending like $10.00!
I don’t understand this idea of agreeing to be exclusive or boyfriend/girlfriend. If you’re dating someone, is it really unreasonable to expect they aren’t seeing others? I don’t care if it’s 2 dates or 20, don’t feck around!
For LW3 I am really curious as to what suggestions you’ve offered. Have you tried paying for things, coming up with ideas for cheap or free dates? And I think you need to ask if that is what you want. Does he make you happy no matter what you’re doing? Because it doesn’t matter if I’m in my pjs watching netflix or at a 5 star restaurant with my husband I’m happy. Do we have to constantly think of new things to do, absolutely. It’s easy to get in a rut, but you do have to work to get out of it and both people have be serious about it.
For LW2 I agree with Wendy. There is no obligation to tell him. Wait until you have had more time to process this and then decide if you still want to share this with him.
Maybe it’s the political sound bites these days but I’m irritated with all the flashbacks to the 50’s. LW3, Men aren’t supposed to cater to their girlfriends – you’re in the relationship TOGETHER. Take responsibility for your own happiness, plan your own dates and invest some of your own time and energy into making your relationship a success instead of sitting back and waiting for your boyfriend to do it for you.
Exactly this!
Your life is as happy as you make it and so is your relationship so put up or get out.
Uh oh Wendy, you are definitely going to find out how much LW3 does for her boyfriend in your next update! Why in the world would you think she would add that information in here!?
LW1 let it go, it was a grand gesture for him to ask you to be his girlfriend after 2 weeks, but clearly that was just too soon for him. It was nice that he was up front with you, but he should have just kept that info to himself, because it really is no big deal.
LW2 That’s a tough one, because if you tell this guy that you slept with your ex, and got pregnant after you had already met him, he might get pissed and leave you, and like Wendy said there is no obligation to tell him. I think you just need to ask yourself if this is something that he could find out from somebody else.
“Uh oh Wendy, you are definitely going to find out how much LW3 does for her boyfriend in your next update! Why in the world would you think she would add that information in here!?”
ROFL so true!
LW3: My fiance and I are nearing our four-year anniversary and I definitely understand how things can become routine. We’re doing well financially, but I’ve always felt a little guilty over how much money we spend on going out (several times a week) and other frivolous stuff. I’ve been making a concerted effort to do fun things that our outside our normal routine and don’t cost so much, like our plan to go to a cider mill this weekend for cider and donuts. We also take walks, go to museums, browse antique stores, watch classic movies and other very enjoyable “cheap dates”.
It’s easy to get into the mentality that to have a special evening you need to do something expensive, like getting dressed up and going to a “nice” restaurant. It’s fun every so often but I have to admit that most of our attempts at doing something fancy have wound up busts. We’ve wound up eating expensive but mediocre food, showing up places overdressed and otherwise being disappointed.
I agree with Wendy that if you’re the one that’s unhappy, it’s your responsibility to come up with some fun things to do with your boyfriend that will mix things up a little but that he can afford. And if he’s too tired for those things, why not invite some girlfriends instead?
“It’s easy to get into the mentality that to have a special evening you need to do something expensive, like getting dressed up and going to a “nice” restaurant.”
THIS IS SO TRUE!!! I know my now husband has that issue sometimes… like he has been trained up (not in a bad way, but good southern boy way) to do “nice” things and if he can’t reach a certain level of attainment then it isn’t good enough and he feels guilty. I’m perfectly happy with a cheap bottle of wine and some bocce ball personally, but it has taken some time for that message to get across (the action of planning anything for me far outweighs 3 months of nonaction to then bust out something “special”), and for my husband to not feel “bad” about not being able to do the fancy fancy all the time.
LW3 needs to take some initiative, or admit that she really wants something fancier and move on.
The only thing that bothers me about #1 is that if the bf went on a date/kissed another woman to make sure that he was making the right decision about the LW, what will he do if they get really serious? LIke marriage serious? Will he go out and sleep with another woman to see if he made the right decision then? That alone would make me think. I think if he was “curious” about the other woman, he should have indulged that curiousity before becoming exclusive.
LW3, what’s up with your letter? First, it seems more than a little odd to me that in a 5 year relationship the guy (who is on a tight budget) is still paying for everything. My fiance and I rarely go Dutch, but we take turns paying for things, which is more romantic and still balances our expenditures. Second, why can’t you be more creative? In my city, there are hole-in-the wall restaurants that don’t cost much more than fast food that are delicious and interesting. Or you can do something fun at home. Tonight my fiance and I are making pumpkin cinnamon-streusal pancakes and watching Halloween movies with friends. Low cost, but lots of fun for us. Maybe your problem isn’t the activities of your relationship, but the relationship itself.
I second the inexpensive, but non-fast food restaurants. Ethnic food restaurants are great for this, and if your willing to be adventurous with what you try, you get a new experience out if it.
hole-in-the-wall restaurants are the best! I hate eating at chains, much prefer those places. I was shocked when I went to Hawaii that everything there seemed to be a chain, at least on Maui. In Kona we found a few really awesome little places.
In Maui you have to go further from the water. The main strip by the beach is always all chain restaurants. But we found the best Thai place, and also a nice little French-inspired restaurant. It wasn’t really french food, but that’s what they were going for, and it was pretty tasty.
She says she’s “known” him for 5 years, so I’m not sure if that’s how long they’ve been together or not. Still, I’m confused. Why would hanging out on a Saturday have to involve spending money? What’s wrong with having Sunday dinners in? Sure, I like going out every now and then but when I had boyfriends with less money, I’d pay for them if I wanted them with me badly enough. Most relationships/dates I split everything.
Stuff I like to do with a dude that costs little to no money:
-movie (at home), wine, and sex
-a walk in the park, botanical garden, or zoo
-free festivals
-Supernatural drinking game!
-listening to records at home (you can slow dance and then have sex)
-SEX
-hanging out pantsless and watching TV, esp marathons, and then have sex
-at home karaoke (I have a microphone)
-watch porn together and then have sex!
-museums
-cooking together at home
-going to the library. Libraries are fun.
-cuddling on the couch in jammies (and then having sex)
LW3, i truly think that if you cant be happy just sitting and doing nothing with the people you love, there is something missing in your life. i dont know if this is a pattern with you always, but if you are the kind of person who always has to be “doing” something, you might want to re-evaluate your life and your happiness and contentment and where you draw those emotions from.
if this is just with your boyfriend, i would say to leave him, because if you dont even like him enough to just sit and watch tv or something, the relationship probably doesnt have staying power. what happens if he gets sick and needs to you spend some downtime with him? what happens if one of you loses your job and you can never go out? a relationship cant only be made up of the exciting, trendy times. a real life relationship has those, sure, but they also have a whole range of everything else.
All I have to add here is that LW3 is a whiny, spoiled brat.
I’m guessing that LW3 will update us with a load of things she forgot to mention that will explain everything. Hopefully. Have you even tried paying or planning anything?
Last year I was pretty much in the same position, except we couldn’t even afford to go out for burgers. But instead of moaning about how he was supposed to do everything, I researched some free places in town. It’s not that big a place and there were quite a few places with free entry like museums and a small aquarium (the museum had an awesome dinosaur with a top hat, suck on that paying places).
I never get bored with my husband and we’ve been together for 5 years. It’s his personality that makes it fun- not the things he pays for us to do.
This is so true for us. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing. Last weekend I went along with my husband when he took his car for an oil change, I think it’s the first time I’ve gone with him, and he commented he was glad I came because it was so much fun to have me along because I kept saying things that made him laugh.
My point is that even an oil change can be fun if you are with the right person.
So which is it, LW1? You say, “we were definitely moving too fast” but then “it felt right.” Then you say, “He was a little stand-offish in the beginning” yet “he’s everything I’ve been looking for.” I can’t tell if you don’t know what you want, or know what you want but aren’t willing to stand up for it.
LW2, the only reason you would have for telling him now is if you get talking politics and it comes out that he’s anti-abortion. Of course, at that point you should consider if he’s really the right guy for you. Otherwise, just leave it for now.
LW1: Ug, I hate that guy that’s like “BE MY GIRLFRIEND IMMEDIATELY WE ARE SOULMATES” and then two seconds later goes “HOLD UP OTHER GIRLS EXIST MAYBE THEY ARE MY SOULMATES TOO SO CONFUSED”. Who was that guy in Twelfth Night who was in love with being in love? Orsino? Is there such a thing as Orsino complex? If there is, brahs like this have it. He’s so invested in want he wants from women (ERMAHGERD LERVE)that he isn’t paying a ton of attention to whether or not its real grounded feelings or just first infatuation. I personally think this is annoying as hell, but maybe it’ll be a phase he get’s over?
LW2: wws
LW3: wwswwswwswwswwswws Puhleese tell me you at least split/pay for a lot of your dates. You cannot complain about what your boyfriend buys you unless you put up some dough yourself. And having the same thing on date night isn’t so bad anyway. My boyfriend and I make Trader Joe’s Pizza every Sunday night for Walking Dead because zombie pizza night is the SH*T. But seriously, if you want something different, pony up the chedda and buy your man some thai.
you use the trader joe’s pizza dough? is it good? ive wanted to try it…
Trader Joe’s pizza dough is inexpensive and excellent! We also buy TJ’s low-fat mozzarella cheese, pepperoni and capicola and make very delicious calzones.
Lw3 You say part of the problem is that he’s too tired to go out. There are things you can do at home that are not boring–For example, when was the last time you played Monopoly? Well, you could make it strip Monopoly (or any game). You could read some Alan Watts together (when you’re truly in the present moment, it’s never boring), or Shakespearian sonnets . You could write a play together or engage in any kind of project (play music, study art). You could invite friends over. And if none of this sounds appealing because you don’t share any common interests, well then….?
Eh, I feel like the comments here are a little too hard on LW3.
Did anyone else see how her boyfriend said he is “too tired when they hang out”? That seems like there is something more and unhealthy going on. Is he just always moping? Is he really just content to eat at McDonald’s every Friday night? Who wouldn’t be a little bummed out if every time they spent time with their significant other, that person claimed to be “too tired”? It sounds to me as if the boyfriend is having an “I don’t care” attitude when it comes to their relationship. True, the LW could be making suggestions and/or doing more to bring excitement herself… but it sort of sounds like maybe the boyfriend is being a stick in the mud.
I don’t think the LW is in the 1950’s mode where she expects the boyfriend to pay for everything they do. She never mentioned that anywhere! Maybe she IS paying half or picking up the entire tab on a regular basis and he still whines about never having money. It just sounds like they are stuck in a rut.
LW, I think you should check out some of those free/cheap date ideas. If your boyfriend still claims to be too tired or broke all the time, and you have talked to him (nicely) about improvements you’d like to make without much effort on his part… then it is time to re-evaluate whether or not this is the relationship for you.
LW3, there are so many ways to accommodate busy schedules and limited budgets. Working with your boyfriend instead of just creating expectations and complaining can be an adventure in itself that brings you closer and feels like a change of pace. Make dinner together instead of having him cook for you. Bake bread or cookies or whatever together. It’s pretty cheap, it’s fun, and it’s a little messy.Schedule time to do cheap fun dates in advance. If you know you’ll have a free Saturday in three weeks, tell him you’re going mini golfing or bowling or to a movie and save and plan accordingly. Groupon that shit. Whatever. I feel like your problem as you described it to Wendy is an easy fix, and if you really feel like you’re in a rut, it’s probably something deeper than finances that’s bugging you. Figure out what that is and whether or not it’s worth staying with him.
Dear Modern Woman,
Burger joints ARE boring. That’s why I eat Thai food, among other ethnic cuisines. You definitely should do more interesting things. Might I suggest doing street performance, like the Calypso Tumblers? You will never be bored again.
Signed,
The Validationer