“My Father is Homeless, But My Husband Won’t Let Him Move in With Us”
What I thought would be a few weeks’ arrangement turned into a year-long one as my dad’s efforts to get a job proved fruitless. Finally, about six months ago, he found a job in another state and moved. Unfortunately, that job restructured after three months, and, although my dad was supposed to be transferred to another branch, that fell through, too. So now my dad is unemployed again with nowhere to go. He’s spent the last three months going from place to place looking for a job, with no luck, and is, once again, broke and on the verge of homelessness. Trust me when I say there is no one else around to help. I’m the last line of defense.
However, in the past year and a half, my financial circumstances have changed significantly. I left my downtown job to help my husband build our own business, meaning our income dropped in half, which is fine for us, but that means that renting my father a separate place again is not an option. The only thing we could do to help would be for my father to move into our spare room, and my husband is vehemently against it, to the point of saying that he will not stay in the house if my father moves in.
I certainly understand his position. We supported my father for a year, at a cost in excess of $20,000, counting rent, utilities, food, expenses and moving costs both to here and to where he got the last job. And none of that has been repaid, nor do I realistically expect it ever will be. So, there’s that. Plus, after the last time, there’s no guarantee that my dad would be leaving any time soon. We could end up with a permanent houseguest who does not/cannot contribute financially and whose presence seriously strains our marriage.
But, the thought of my father being homeless horrifies me and tears me up inside. I’m eaten alive with guilt for not doing more. I hate myself for even considering the possibility of letting him be homeless. I cannot eat or sleep. It’s hard to even work. I feel like it is my responsibility to take care of him, regardless of the cost, and that I’ve failed as a human being if I do not.
I don’t know what to do. Ignore my father’s situation and figure he will work it out eventually? I cannot do that if he is on the street. Or do I watch my marriage, business and the life I’ve worked hard to build for myself crumble because my father won’t/can’t support himself? That’s not really an option, either. Do you or your readers have any advice? Or suggestions for a solution I’m too in the middle of to see? — Worried Daughter
There are a couple of things it seems you are “too in the middle” to see or accept. The first is that by helping your father, while very well-intentioned, loving, and generous, you’re actually enabling him to take advantage of your — and your husband’s — kindness. Rather than keeping him from being homeless, it’s quite possible that your goodwill toward him is actually keeping him from reaching his full potential. He may not be making as much effort as he needs to to live the life he wants — or that you want for him, anyway — because he knows he has you and your husband to fall back on.
The other idea that you don’t seem to be seeing clearly is that, if you lose your husband, marriage, and life you’ve built up to help your father, what resources are you going to have left to keep helping him? If the life you live is dependent on staying married to your husband, what happens when he leaves you because he can’t deal with his father-in-law camped out indefinitely in his home? Where will that leave you? If you are the “last line of defense” in your father’s life, what happens when you can no longer support him in the event of an emergency? What then?
Your father’s life is a bit of a mess, due at least in part to him helping out your half-sister financially and “putting out her fires,” as you say. And now you’re at risk of messing up your life by trying to put out your father’s fires. Stop the cycle here. Let your dad put out his own fire. Help him find a hose and some water if necessary — urge him to apply for government aid, suggest he reach out to former contacts, tell him to hire a head-hunter and professional resume editor — but don’t put out his fires or you’ll find yourself with a fire of your own that you aren’t able to control.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Ok, this might sound incredibly naive or insensitive, but I don’t understand why people who are at the moment jobless don’t get a part time job somewhere to at least help themselves a little financially. Why can’t someone work a few nights a week or a weekend so you have some money while you’re searching for a full time job?
My husband oversees a bunch of gas stations (which I understand is less desirable to people than temp jobs, etc), but they are always looking for people! I have no idea if this is a regional thing isolated to small to mid size towns in the midwest, but I am always a little weary of the entire “I’ve applied everywhere and just can’t find a thing.” Typically, these folks have not applied at their local gas station.
Seriously, i was unemployed for almost seven months a few years ago and i did EVERYTHING i could think of to make money. Odd jobs,part time work, took paid surveys, even sold some stuff. And i still had plently of time to job hunt
It doesn’t say he’s only applied for full time jobs. Perhaps he’s tried this. Part time jobs aren’t necessarily easier to get.
I’m finding that many companies are now looking to hire the older person because they work, show up, and don’t expect to start at top dollar while training and learning. Know someone who was “downsized” from a job they’d been at for over 30 years. (Stated as the bottom and worked their way up to a great position ”. Out of the blue, downsized. Was the only person downsized. They took the few months and looked and interviews and had 3-4 offers all at money that was expected for the position. Moved and are doing well. Not sure what your dad does, but it should be dooable. Sounds to me that dad may like his “help” a little to much. And oh, BTW if he cleaned up and helped his other child why are they not returning the favor to some extent. This is not wholly on you. But an also think your husband is being disrespectful of your feelings in saying he walks if dad stays with you. He is your family and unless there are reasons for his feelings other than “I don’t want him living with us” he’s being as asshat
Do you really think you can afford rent and food on what a part time job pays? In the city I live in, I’d need to make $40,000 before taxes just to live in a 1br in a bad part of town and be able to pay for food, utilities, and health insurance.
Because a part time job doesn’t pay all of the bills and doesn’t leave time for looking for full time work. Also, companies don’t want to hire people that are older. Nobody at Starbucks is over 50. He can maybe get a job at trader joes. We don’t know how old this man is. If he’s over 62 he can apply for early social security and maybe food stamps. Every bit helps in these times.
He might be older and a less desirable hire. He’s probably having a hard time finding and retaining work due to ageism.
Take your father in and tell your husband to suck it up. At the end of your life you will be glad you did it.
I don’t think it’s naive at all. I think there are people who have never lived in real poverty and the idea of not making what they were before is not even on their radar. When you’re really on the edge like this, nothing is below you. Stock shelves overnight at a grocery store. Pick up some janitorial work. Become a dishwasher someplace. It’s not enough to live on, but at least you can get groceries.
But the point is how can he afford a place to live with the job that only pays enough to buy groceries? He needs a security deposit and first month’s rent to find a place in this day and age.
Because jobs are getting tough to get again because of the rise in Cost of Living. And depending where it is and what race the person is, despite having policy of race, gender, sexuality, etc not being discriminated against them, some companies still do it when they interview the person. Also depends on the location too. If the person lives in a city that is smaller jobs are sometimes harder to obtain because they hire those that are in their communities. Another issue is languages, most places want you to be bilingual. And finally is the jobs hiring may want you to have certain skills and certifications before even considering you.
Say you spent three years in prison for something you didn’t didn’t, before being released on appeal. Produce your clean criminal record to show it was wiped.
Genuinely curious to know whether this would be more successful for job hunting than having a degree.
Other options:
– you were looking after a dying relative
– you were at college but you dropped out before graduating
But that is why you lie on your resume… Nobody cares when/if you went to college for those types of jobs, and it’s not like you’re making up extra qualifications, just leaving out details on how qualified you actually are. So don’t tell them. Tailor your resume. If you have a stable job history and are close to middle aged, almost nobody is going to question you about your school days anyways, unless it is a degree where you need a job.
When one doesn’t have an address or a place to get ready or even shower or wash clothes for an interview it can make it very very hard if not impossible to find a job. Many employers won’t hire a homeless person.
The father may still need health care so is looking for full time employment with benefits that temp jobs do not offer.
I am glad that Wendy is not my daughter who would leave me old and sitting in social services waiting for help. We have lost the ability to help each other …no wonder there are so many homelesd!
As someone who has been looking for a 2nd part time job to supplement my own income I have to tell you that there are JOBS there but maybe you should search yourself to see the hours they want. Which are not good for choldren or you cannot afford child care? Or qualifications. Or the pay is so skimpy after taxes You really need 3 of those jobs to pay your mortgage while others sit on government aid. You fix the SYSTEM don’t judge the people.
I think you should go back to work and let your hubby sort the family business out. Look into trying to buy a used tiny home or if your dad drives buy a used camper van that he can make livable all year long. Many people live and work in camper vans.
well, i cant argue with what wendy said at all, but- refusing to help a close family member like that would be a dealbreaker for me. you just dont do that shit. thats not cool.
If my FFIL was on fire, I wouldn’t piss on him to put it out. He’s horrible and having him around would tank our relationship, to put it mildly. I’m fine letting him reap what he has sown, quite frankly, and we’re not going to fuck our whole future to help him.
While your friend and her husband are no doubt good people … I am judging the shit out of her mother for being so lazy.
She was also working, so probably half that money was money she brought in. It’s not like the entire 20k came from his own personal bank account.
You are so right! 🙏 God bless you!
Especially a parent! My Mom would ALWAYS allow me to come home at ANY point in my life; To not do the same for her, I can’t even imagine.
He’s probably well into his 60’s and let me tell you age discrimination is real! Loosing your job in your 50’s is a disastrous! You will not just ‘bounce back’ as companies would want a younger worker. You may find a contract position, depending on your skills, but it will take a long time. As always, it’s easier to find work IF you are employed. And as said before part-time work isn’t that easy either as they know you want full time. re is an army of elderly workers looking for work.
I agree Katie. I couldn’t do it. Make a room in the basement if possible. He gets whatever job he can to live on. He cooks his own food. Then Dad is safe. Daughter has done what she needs to do. Dad is not ‘living with them’ 24/7 to satisfy Husband’s and marriage’s need for privacy. Everyone compromises a bit. Everyone is safe. It’s a cruel world out there. More kindness would help everybody.
I agree Katie. I couldn’t do it. Make a room in the basement if possible. He gets whatever job he can to live on. He cooks his own food. Then Dad is safe. Daughter has done what she needs to do. Dad is not ‘living with them’ 24/7 to satisfy Husband’s and marriage’s need for privacy. Everyone compromises a bit. Everyone is safe. It’s a cruel world out there. More kindness would help everybody.
Switch roles – pretend your dad is your kid who is a fresh college graduate looking for work in the field of his/her major. Yes, as parents, you support them in their search for that job even if that means they need to live at home for a little bit. Then what happens? That lasts for about a year and then your dad is like “you either start paying rent or move out.”
“But dad, I’m not finding any work as an astrophysicist.”
“Jesus, the world needs plenty of line cooks, bartenders, and custodians. Guess you’ll have to start there to support yourself while you look for work.”
“But daaaad.”
“No. Get a job.”
Tough situation. Sounded to me like he isn’t just a mooch, but falling on really hard times, which makes your decision even harder, or at least it would make my decision harder. Him getting govt support may just be the way to go here.
Another thing people really should have figured out before marriage. We’ve had talks about what we would do in this situation and I think its an important talk to have. I feel for the LW.
Oh, and to answer your question, no, I don’t think we’ve talked about it exactly, but I’m pretty vocal and have let it be known many times, that if they (my parents) need me, I’m going to be there. That’s the kind of person I am, and the type of family I come from, and he knows that.
We just had that talk due to this letter. Haha, letters to Wendy serve as better premarital discussion topics than any questionairre I’ve seen!
what about reaching out to the half sister? if your father helped her isn’t it time she returned the favour?
Maybe it’s just my opinion, but I say you help family when they need you. The dad really doesn’t seem like a mooch, but very eager to find a job–heck, he moved to another state for a job that ended up not panning out.
I don’t see anything wrong with the dad moving into the spare bedroom–aside from the fact that he owes you and your husband $20,000, is your husband not on good terms with your dad for any other reason: personality differences, grudges, or other?
I say let him move in, on the condition that he actively searches for a job–and gets government assistance in the meantime–and that he needs to be in a better place in 6-12 months. (Or whatever times frame works best.) In the meantime, since he can’t contribute financially, maybe tell him that he’s in charge of cleaning and cooking while he’s home during the day, taking out the dog, etc.
I’d be in the same boat as the LW: I know you need to protect your relationship, but letting your dad literally be homeless? I just wouldn’t be able to do that to my father.
I agree with Wendy here & liked her answer a lot—compassionate to all parties, but ultimately kiboshing the idea of having the dad move in.
Look, the LW may feel inhuman for turning away her dad, but I do really think he should—at this point— be given tools, not refuge. It’s not as if this is the first instance of “hard times” he’s fallen on—they’ve already set him up with his own apartment ~for a year~ without anything good having come of it. I’m sure that the series of unfortunate events for the father were all inevitable (like, I’m not doubting the severity or true unluckiness of his predicament!), buuut… that still doesn’t negate the prior drain he’s been on the LW & her husband. And her life, and her husband’s life, should be the priority here.
I feel for the LW. My mom lives with me and my husband but he knew going in that would be the deal and he and my mom get on like a house on fire. My mom doesn’t work outside the home but she works plenty inside of it and everyone benefits in this arrangement. It is always a little sad for us when she goes on vacation and leaves us….
You and your husband were generous to put your dad up but I don’t think that entitles your husband to turn his back on him now. Not if the alternative is homelessness. If your father was absent from your childhood then perhaps I could understand since maybe you wouldn’t feel bonded to him (I’m not getting that sense though) but if your dad was a good dad to you then you should help him now. I would start with actively helping him get social assistance to see if he can generate enough help to rent a room some where. This means work on your part to fill out forms or go to the government offices but do it. If the very last resort is your spare room then give it to him until you can finalize assistance for him and find him somewhere else to live. This way you aren’t leaving it up to him – you are the one taking steps to help him be self sufficient and in a place where he can apply for jobs…any jobs. That is the end point your husband can hang his hat on. When I finalize assistance for dad. It is unfair – no doubt. But life isn’t fair. Your husband isn’t a bad guy but sometimes you take a hit for family. If you would take it for him, he needs to take it for you. It isn’t all or nothing here – tell him find the middle ground with you. Sometimes you just have to do the right thing. It may be hard but you know what the right thing is…and so does your husband.
“Stop the cycle here. Let your dad put out his own fire.” <— This is logical and probably the right thing to do, but I would not be able to do it. I would have my father live with us until we went broke and we all three were homeless. I don't think I'd ever be able to turn away a family member. I just don't think I could. I don't know what I'd have to endure before I could do that.
I agree with Wendy 1000% here. Everyone is talking about the LW needing to respect family, what about the father?! He has already taken $20,000 from his daughter. Money she could use to buy a home or towards preparing for children or to invest in their business that is supposed to support HER family’s future.
It rubbed me the wrong way that the husband wouldn’t let the father stay at their house. Is there some underlying issue with the LW’s dad? I mean, if you put deadlines down, it should only be a few months. Yeah, that sucks, but c’mon now, it’s her dad.
And as a personal note — of course, I’m not married, so right now my dad is the most important man in my life. He has done so much for me over the years — being a loving and doting father, being my biggest cheerleader, buying my first car, paying for college, doing my taxes (still does), keeping me on his “payroll” until I could be financially responsible on my own, etc. etc. I am who I am and am as successful as I am with a lot of help from my dad. So if anything were to ever happen to him and my mom and their jobs… I could never, ever turn them away. They would come live with me, and if my husband had an issue with that… well then he must not be the right one for me if he doesn’t understand how important my relationship is with my parents. Because the reason why I want to be super successful in life is so that I can take care of my parents if/when the time comes. They have done so much for me — I want to do something for them.
So yeah. That’s just me.
My first comment is the reason it cost this husband $20,000 is due to his first refusal just to let his wife’s father stay in the spare room. I think her husband has a bit of that small minded attitude, that his home is his castle so no other man can be on his turf.
Second, if the dad is such a bad guy, why would he has spent so much of his money to try and save one of his children from her many “fires?” That is not a bad father, that is a loving father. He may not be that great with money but their are plenty of good people that go out of their way to help others every day and they are not financially stable either.
I know people over 50 and plenty of them have a difficult time refinding work. A lot of places aren’t really looking to hire employees they consider past their prime, more likely to file workman’s comp due to injuries, miss work due to illness and be a drain on the group medical insurance. Whatever the companies reasons, over 50 is not a good time to be looking for a job. Even if he find’s a part time job, it may not be a living wage so he can afford to rent a place. That’s just reality.
I feel bad for this woman whose husband is acting like this.
LW, this is really tough situation. I know that I am always preaching on here about seeking therapy, and you would be a prime candidate. You are incredibly conflicted, and in a situation where you feel you are forced to choose between your father and your husband, which is wrenching.
All that being said, your husband sounds very healthy in his boundaries. You guys have done a lot for your father, and while I completely sympathize with your reasoning, I also find it a little flawed. When you marry, you do break away from the primary family and form your own family–and I do believe that family comes first. This is an extreme circumstance of having to put that into practice, but it’s going to important for you to draw boundaries with your dad that you haven’t in the past.
There are other ways to help your father by finding him programs, government or otherwise, that he can take advantage of. I understand that it is hard for you to think your father might be homeless, but he also does need to take some responsibility. You just aren’t in a position to help and moving him in is not an option. Accept your husband’s need for his own life WITH YOU, and let your father do his own bidding.
You are enabling him to continue, and though you love him, HE is the parent, and YOU are the child. Follow your husband’s lead with the boundary-making. If you feel you are having a hard time overcoming that (can’t eat, can’t sleep, etc) then you need to examine this deeper–seek therapy and get to the bottom of it.
I know I am going to catch a lot of flack for this comment but I had to say something anyway. I’ve been following DW for years now and this is probably the first time I disagree with the advice. Hire a headhunter/professional resume editor? With what money? The man is about to be homeless! If he is older, and lives in a smaller town, it can be incredibly hard to find any job for him. Why would anyone hire him if there are 10 people half his age applying for the same position?
The father took care of LW for 18 years (assuming she left for college right after high school), and I doubt he ever complained that she was “mooching off him” (which he doesn’t seem to be doing now anyway, he just seems to be stuck in a tough spot), and now she is not supposed to return the favor? I thought that you took care of your parents when things are tough… I mean they took care of you for so long until you became someone in life. He doesn’t have to live at their house for free. He can do chores, clean, cook, etc and pay them back that way. They can make arrangements that the father gives them privacy a few times per week and goes out of the house to do his own thing while the LW and the husband spend some time together. Things can be worked out. You don’t turn your back on the person who raised you. I am sorry but you just don’t.
To me, owe means that because their parents birthed them, they HAVE to help them, but there are TONS of unfit parents who don’t deserve their kids help. Those who help their parents most likely don’t do it out of obligation, but because they want to because they have good relationships/no history of manipulation/etc. I don’t feel I owe my parents to help them out if they needed it. I would WANT to because of my relationship, but I don’t think it is an obligation. Parents decide to have kids, not the other way around.
This.
I think this gets into semantics but we are sort of saying the same thing.
You say want to help your parents, but that you don’t feel that you owe them, or feel that helping them is an obligation. Do you feel that you could NOT help your parents if they needed it? Even though you want to, do you feel that you would be fine if you didn’t help them? If you think about it, when we “want” to do something, we’d be happier if we did, but we’d be just fine if we didn’t– otherwise, we NEED to do it. But I don’t think you’d be fine if you didn’t help them; I think you’d feel bad about it. And that is because… technically… you feel obligated to do it — you feel it’s your job and your right to help them. The fact that you have a concurrent “want” and “obligation” is the best of all worlds, and the want obscures the feeling of obligation, but I bet it’s there.
My parents chose to have me. I’m not obligated to do anything. On the occasion that they’ve asked me for something that I didn’t feel that I could give them, I said no. I don’t feel an obligation. I honestly believe that parents chose to have you and that comes with responsibilities. If you don’t want those responsibilities then don’t have kids!
Then you are right, we are not saying the same thing.
I just do not understand how people can not feel that their parents (see comment above for descriptors) deserve their respect, love, and — when necessary — care and support. And if they deserve it, they “earned” it; if they deserve it, it is owed to them. Such support is not just a nicety that the child, in benevolence, has decided to bestow, but rather it is their obligation and their right to provide. Just because it is an obligation does not take away from the beauty and the wonderful nature of the acts — you can feel just as warm and fuzzy inside because you feel you NEED to help, as you could if you just WANTED to help.
I just don’t get it.
Could give them or wanted to give them? I feel like there’s a difference there. If you truly felt like you couldn’t give them something they asked of you then it’s one thing. If you could give it to them but chose not to because you didn’t want to, then it’s an entirely different issue. I don’t have an issue with kids not helping their parents if they have no means to do so (not just financially but in other aspects). If you can’t, you can’t. It’s a huge issue for me if a child is able to help the parent in need and chooses not to do so. Again, I don’t think it has anything to do with your parents choice to have you, but with your choice to take care of them when they need it
It would have really strained me, but technically I could, but weighing the pros and cons, it didn’t make sense to me to do it.
LadyinPurpleNotRed,
Agree with this 100%.
Agree with your below comment 1000%.
I have to disagree quark, if I told my parents it was my responsibility to take care of them when I grew up they would consider themselves failures — because they are responsible adults who take pride in being able to take care of themselves. That’s not to say I wouldn’t want to help out if asked, in an emergency, or haven’t tried to get out in front of some issues (it’s not an accident I show up sometime in the fall and do at least one round of leaf cleaning so my dad won’t be out there forever; or that I buy certain household gifts now that I have a good job… because its the only way my dad will let me — if I wrap a bow on it and call it a birthday present ;)), but the notion that it is my responsibility? Nope.
And I say this as someone who has watched her parents over the last 3 decades be schoolteachers, work for airlines, real estate agent, bus driver, limo driver, municipal employee, etc. etc. etc. — they work their ass off, have been striking union workers and scabs, they’ve taken computer classes, adjusted to “email” and other technologies that are challenging — because that is what responsible adults do. Just like I hope to one day have a family that I can care for and leave something to after my departure, not have kids like it’s 1850 and they will have to care for me in my golden years, because they don’t.
Lots of questions about this one, mostly to do with the relationship between your husband and your father. Do they get along? If not, why not? Does he feel like he was taken advantage of my your father during that 20K year? Did you guys try to warn your father about making poor choices when he sunk all that time into your half sister? Did your half sister get all the money/attention, and he feels that you are being used to help pick up the pieces? What has your father done to find a job lately? Temp agency, employment agencies, etc etc? Walmart? Has he been someone who is known for spending more than he had in the past? You say he lost his job four years ago. That’s a long time to be unemployed. Did he lie around until the cash ran out? If some of the above are true, I could see your husband’s point. I know my mother did nothing to prepare for her eventual time without a job (and didn’t do much for any of us when we were growing up), and there wouldn’t be much sympathy for me on that end- I don’t think that makes me a jerk.
How about looking into public housing. They base the rent on your income and he has none so it should be incredibly low. Low enough you could give him the money for it. He could also get food stamps and then you could supplement his grocery bill and that would go a long way toward meeting his basic needs. Many states are making it almost impossible to receive welfare but they do still provide public housing and food stamps. This would make supporting your dad affordable without needing to move him into your house. Realistically, he wouldn’t be moving in for just a few months. Your prior experience shows that it would be long term and very possibly that it would be permanent.
I don’t think your husband is being rude or mean by saying enough is enough. There is no end in sight for your dad’s unemployment and the two of you have some obligation to maintain your business and to save for your own retirement. $20,000/year would be a nice sum to put away and allow to grow for retirement. You can’t destroy your own future trying to save your dad from his current life but it also isn’t emotionally acceptable to let him be homeless. That’s why I think public housing might be a good solution for you. It cuts your financial contribution drastically and keeps dad off the street.
LW take it from someone who is in this situation. DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO MOVE IN!!!! I was in this already. My husbands whole family isnliving with us now. His mother, brother, and father. His mom moved in to get away from the father and than when he got evicted she convinced us to let him stay for a week. Well that week turned into 2 going on 3 yrs and our lives are absolute hell. It will start to destroy your life you built with your husband. It will lead to constant fighting, stress and aggravation and a huge financial strain. Tell your dad that you are sorry but financially you can not afford him living with you and you wish him best of luck. Trust me, it iw not worth the trouble. And once you allow him to move in, you will need to go to court to have him evicted. This is what we are going thru right now. Please please please side with your husband on this….i wish i had, instead of listening to his mom and believing he had actually changed his ways.
I certainly wouldn’t let one of my parents be homeless, but I also wouldn’t have spent $20,000 to support one of them. I think the problem here is that the LW has shown her husband that she has no boundaries when it comes to her father and her father has supported the LW’s claim that he may not ever leave their home if he moves in. The LW needs to be careful before she turns into her father — helping family members at risk of her own financial ruin — because missing out on $20,000 in, I don’t know, retirement savings, children’s college savings, whatever, is really bad, especially when you are downsizing your incomes. I don’t really have any good advice because having a timeline is not really going to work out if he doesn’t actually meet it or believe that it will be enforced.
I don’t really have any good advice, except that if the LW does let her dad move in, she should not start showering him with other amenities. Keep a running tally on the fridge of what he “owes” for food or whatever (even if it never gets collected), insist that if he isn’t working that he’s volunteering (maybe he’ll pick up some skills that could get him a job?), etc. I imagine that being able to assert herself in some way may make her husband more OK with it.
I think the LW needs to get past the idea that letting her father move in is the only way to “help”. The LW left a successful career and her husband has built a business. Do they have any contacts? Again, if the dad was a good worker until he fell on hard times, they wouldn’t jeopardize their own reputations by recommending him. Does he have any computer skills? If not, teach him, or find a community class. Is he on LinkedIn, or is he still looking for jobs in the Classifieds? Does he have a professional wardrobe that’s appropriate today or is everything from the 80s? These are ways they could help and spend a small amount of money that could have a high impact, assuming the dad wants to work. I don’t understand why the options are “let him move in, possibly permanently, and financially support him” or “nothing”.
Basically, if he’s trying everything and things with the last job went down like the LW understands, I’m with the LW. If the “restructuring” and the “contacts” and the “supporting deadbeat half-sister” are facades to cover up grade-A mooching, I’m with the husband.
Wow. What an awful situation, LW.
I’m guessing there’s some guilt, or at least regret, because you invested so much in your father before (literally and figuratively), and it was just a Band-Aid – it didn’t help improve his situation today. I hope you have a good friend to talk to about this, or another relative … and even sharing with your husband WHY you feel the way you do may spark some suggestions by him about how you two can help in a more lasting way.
Hi. Today’s LW. First of all, thanks for reading and responding. Second, to clarify a couple of questions:
1. This is not a new situation for my father, unfortunately. It’s just new that I’m the person who he is turning to this time. My father’s current situation is a result of being in a relatively unstable field with a high turnover rate and that has been shrinking and going online for years. My father hasn’t really adapted, or tried too hard to adapt, and now he’s older and the market is flooded with younger (and cheaper) applicants and he is trying to compete with all of them. He says he should branch out, but hasn’t really made much of an effort to do so, although I have been talking with him about how to do that and have helped him come up with concrete steps to do it. I’ve also tried to direct my father toward federal aid and the like. Limited success so far, but we are working on it.
2. My husband feels like my father and his side of my family have no boundaries and take advantage of me, and that has long been a source of contention between them, although everyone gets along. There isn’t any personal hatred or anything. His concern is that once my father moves in, he will never move out, end date or not, and then where are we. It’s honestly not an invalid concern.
Your father’s lack of “doing something” is better translated as a way to manipulate you into letting him move in. He’s orchestrating his own crisis.
LW, you and your husband have done more than enough for your dad, probably too much. Surely it isn’t really your job to help him grow up and deal with his life, although I can understand that it would be flattering to have him turn to you for advice and assistance. However, if dear old dad is just going “Uh-huh, yeah, I should do that” and not actually taking any concrete steps or heeding any good advice, then your husband is perfectly correct to bar him from the house because he is crossing boundaries and taking advantage of you (and you are letting him).
I like Wendy’s advice. I always think of letting someone move in with you and your spouse like that party guest who never leaves. You know, the last guy who just doesn’t get the hint that the party is over and you’re like I want to take off my pants and relax? Having someone live with you would more often than not be that situation, just long term.
While I may have a hard time helping my family, I wouldn’t ever let them live with me. When I lived at home, while in high school and part of college, my parents were already asking for money and needing help. I did it, I would max out my tiny credit card and drain my small bank account any time they needed me to. But once I moved out, I realized how messed up that was. (FYI in addition to that, I was paying rent and paying for my own gas and insurance) So, knowing how they drained money out of me then, I would never let them live with me now.
Luckily my mother realizes we could never live together – too much hatred there – and has never asked, but surely there were some times when she probably should have and I would have felt bad saying no, but I still would have said no. Even though I could have afforded for her to, I just wouldn’t. I guess my reasons are more from general animosity and dislike towards her than guilt about enabling her to freeload, but still, I don’t feel I owe her anything.
I feel that LW and her husband have been more than generous and inviting LW’s father into their home would be detrimental in the long term. I completely agree with Wendy that what the father needs now are the tools and emotional support to get him back on his feet.
I have an uncle who goes in and out of homelessness. He is an alcoholic who was in recovery in the past year but I fear has relapsed again. My parents have worked hard to support our family and have built a comfortable life for themselves. By no means are they rich (they are very much middle class) but their hard work has enabled them to enter their retirement years with financial security. When my uncle divorced his wife many years ago, my parents allowed him to live in their house on the condition of paying rent and contributing towards food and utilities.
My uncle chose to mooch off my parents and my dad kicked him out of the house. Since then, he has had irregular periods of employment, has lived on the street, become an alcoholic, lost most of his teeth, etc. He is the very picture of the stereotypical homeless man. And my family’s hearts break for him. Yet he refuses our help because we place reasonable conditions on it. He mooched off his wife, mooched off our family, and expects us to cater to all his needs without him as so much lifting one finger. All we want is for him to make an effort towards seeking recovery.
My mom always cooks for him when he visits and provides him a place to take a nap if he needs it (sometimes he can’t find a safe place to sleep at night). We try to offer him support that goes beyond a place to live. He never wants to take a shower here or shave his beard, which we invite him to do. We give him new clothes and shoes, and find him a warm coat for the winter months. But more importantly we have gotten the paperwork necessary for him to get a new ID card (he carries no form of identification) and to get a new SSN card. He refuses to sign them and when we gave him money to go take a passport photo, he ran off and didn’t return for months (and sans photo).
It’s hard knowing that a family member is struggling but at some point, enough is enough. Housing LW’s father only serves to enable him and perpetuate his behavior. Helping LW’s father to find government programs to help with job training is what will save him. I wouldn’t turn a family member away on a cold night but when LW and her husband have done so much already, any more financial generosity will only hurt everyone involved in the long run.
Remember: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
I generally agree with the comments of DW’ers, but WOW! Talk about culture differences. I come from an eastern european culture were everything is totally different. You don’t let people be homeless, period, especially when they are family. To us, boundaries are not letting someone go homeless – boundaries are letting that person live with you and making them work for it.
Coming from this background, I don’t see it as such a big deal. Let your dad move into the spare bedroom and tell him to get a job. A real job.. even if its out of his profession. Maybe let him live with you while he goes back to school to get some relevant training.. in the meantime, make him to chores at home so that he keeps his living somehow.
Also, I’m going to say that the $20,000 was a bit silly. You could have let you father live at home (probably saved 10-15,000 depending on where you live), make him get a Starbucks like part time job to contribute to his expenses and help out with at home chores.
At the end of the day, parents may not be perfect and yes, sometimes they even cost money. But they are parents…
Did you read the update from the LW? Her father is lazy and unmotivated.
I’ll never learn.
Anyway, if you’ve read any of my comments on here, I say how I think the husband was generous, among other things. In fact, I was the first to say he wasn’t a jerk.
Saying it would be good if the husband would try to come up with other ideas to help his wife is not saying the husband is a jerk. Even if its a fruitless effort, its nice to support your spouse and help them.
Not sure what you think I’m projecting.
I totally agree with you. For the LW, I think she’s already “helped” her dad enough, and tough love is probably in order here.
You really should read all my comments, because none of what you are saying I said is accurate, so this is pointless.
You are basing my entire stance on me saying the husband should help the wife find other options because spouses should be able to lean on each other.
I love your estimates though. They are always on point. 😉 Are we even reading the same comments?! Bizarre.
EX-ACT-LY.
Mark,
This isn’t just about women. In my case, my male SO was/is the enabler. A lot of children have a hard time imagining their parents as manipulative, cheating, deadbeats. It has nothing to do with “Daddy Issues”. “Parent Issues”, maybe, but let’s not just label this with gender-specifics here. Parents of both sexes are manipulative, and are capable (and willing) of manipulating their children (of both genders) into thinking that the situation they are in is worse than it is, and completely not their fault and to be totally pitiable.
Spouses (of both genders) are sometimes more able to see things without the rose-colored glasses. Sometimes, they see things with the perspective-tinting that slants things negatively. Each person is his/her own unique individual to see the situation. This is why communication and compromise is key in relationships. The LW really needs to take her husband’s opinion to heart and open her eyes and see her father for who he really is. Not just her “Daddy”, not her “parent”, but as a human being. Flawed and human.
She should be reaching out to siblings (half and whole) to discuss the situation completely with them to ensure that Daddy Dearest doesn’t play ANY of the siblings as she’s been played, to be proactive in helping Daddy get back to his full potential instead of scamming some more. Or, realize that Daddy has probably been a scammer his whole damned life. Whichever the case may be, the time for illusions is over.
WRS.
WRS
I’m guilty of not reading every single comment on here before I comment, so I missed the update.
OK, totally on board with Wendy’s reply in this situation, and the LW’s defense of her husband clarifies his positions and confirms he is not an A-Hole.
ACTUALLY BGM. In the 39 separate commenters above this post where it was clear what their stance is, not including the men and also not including Wendy, there were 24 who were AGAINST the dad moving in and supported the husband’s point of view, and 15 who supported having the dad move in and thought the husband was in the wrong.
(assuming all those whose gender I don’t know are women)
Fine, I stand corrected. I guess its just that the 15 who were for it were simply so much more vocal and had more multiple posts… That said, it’s hard to track when everybody posts here, so who knows what the count was when I initially posted this? With a swing vote of nine that is a pretty narrow margin as can change so rapidly. Frankly, I wish wendy would somehow include POLLS with each thread, but I see how that would be difficult to do as such polls are often NOT relevant to the letters…
Challenge accepted. Of the 39 I counted, 34 of those weighed in before your comment, with 14 of those being for the father moving in and 20 of them being in the husband’s corner.
I wonder if the 14 in favor of dad moving in were just people saying they couldn’t let their dad be homeless, which I think is slightly different. I don’t think I could let my dad be homeless, but I also think that the LW (and her dad, really) should be trying different ways to make him not homeless.
You are correct, LBH. If someone said “I couldn’t imagine having my dad live on the streets”, I counted them in the ‘for the dad moving in’ column. For example, that was where I had you. So actually, I think it trends even more to those who think the husband is in the right.
But for the purposes of the impression it might have given, I did put all those people in the ‘for the dad’ column.
Fine. I was wrong. I do so hope I have made your day as it seems that I have. I was off by six. Sue me. Now go and count the number of sentences that were pro dad versus pro husband. And yes, I would like a word count.
At any rate, the fact that is was even so close STILL leaves me confused… I honestly don’t think it would be even remotely close if this had been posted on say, DETAILS magazine’s site or PLAYBOY online…
Well, you said “The fact remains that the majority of female posters here are presently siding with the father”, not that you thought it was even. So more than 6.
Also, I would note that a number of “pro-Dad” responders have changed their minds, after the LW’s update. So the gap is probably a bit wider than 6 at this point…
I completely agree with you here. My sister is a freeloader too. I work my ass off and it drives me batty to hear that she is soliciting money to pay for her 6 month old son’s heart surgery (even though the military is paying for it) and she is pregnant with her 3rd child even though doctors told her NOT to get pregnant after her 1st son’s birth. And she is “borrowing” money from both my mom and her in-laws on a monthly basis because her husband’s military pay isn’t enough and they “agreed” she wouldn’t work until the kids were in school. Like she’s ever held a job for longer than a month in the first place.
It astounds me how strange our debates become. The ONLY issue here I am addressing is your stance that the husband somehow dropped the ball as well. I simply don’t agree with that at all. And that’s what ALL of my comments in this small line of them has been about…
Sorry but your father needs to deal with the consequences of his poor decisions. He lost his job back when the recession hit. Instead of considering the job market, how bad things were/if it was going to get worse, then add in his age, in order to evaluate his possible time to find a new position and plan accordingly…he blows through his savings and financial safety net on your sister’s problems.
Goodness Mark, really? A few people said they would support a parent unconditionally and now you understand why men don’t want to get married because we all have daddy issues?? What!??
9 times out of 10, I really enjoy your no nonsense comments, but the continued bashing of women has got to stop. If someone was consistently making comment about how all men were X or all gays were X- I’m pretty sure you’d raise a stink about it. So please, stop constantly degrading my gender. Please stop categorically lumping half of our race together and calling us crazy. Please stop acting like a jerk.
We don’t know that this husband hasn’t offered various solutions. We know that the wife wants to solve this by moving dad in with them and the husband says no. We know that dad says no to government aid but doesn’t mind living off of his daughter. We know that dad hasn’t always tried as hard as he could and hasn’t made the attempt to be competative. The SIL can’t force his FIL to do these things. If they have been suggested and his FIL turned them down then what can he do but say no you can’t move in with us. I think the boundary here is critical.
I completely agree with this.
“Somehow letting someone invade your space is seen as less of a commitment and a sacrifice than giving money, and yet, at least for me, it’s precisely the opposite.” Yes, exactly. I am sympathetic to the LW’s situation, and the fact is that every situation and every family dynamic is unique. However, especially given the extra information from the LW’s update, in this instance I am 100% with Wendy.
Agreed. It’s clear that its not just bgm vs everyone else. There is widespread disagreement, with lots of just as many women on the same page as him as those against him.
Furthermore more women read this site than men – but I’m sure if the readership was split more evenly between genders we’d see plenty of men favoring the dad.
It amazes me how often he makes something a gender thing.
Honestly, I don’t think very many men would ever write in saying that somebody’s father-in-law should be able to move in with a married couple rent free for an indefinite period of time. I simply don’t. For starters, has even one man on here as of yet said that? I think not.
Maybe women are just more sensitive and loving toward their families and men are ready to drop their parents at the drop of a hat. Probably because they have issues.
(For what it’s worth, I totally don’t think the dad should move in, and I’m a girl. I also don’t believe my statement above. But if we’re going to stereotype, let’s do it all the way around!)
Eh maybe. But aside from your hunch you really have no way to back that up – and it can be proven that the majority of commenters here (who also happen to be women) don’t feel the husband is in the wrong. So for you to paint all women as having daddy issues is absurd.
And frankly I’m not even sure youre right. While this may be one example my Bf bends over backward constantly for his parents in ways I never would. That’s his family and his choice – but the burden I’ve seen him shoulder out of filial duty has at times overwhelmed him.
I agree with this completely and failed to articulate it in my comment above. By now, I’ve read the update and in light of that would rescind my previous comments knowing what I know now, but my initial reaction to this was with my own dad in mind. I didn’t assume that this dad was a deadbeat because I know my own dad had a rough time on the employment front in 2007 and for a couple years after. He was never on the brink of homelessness or anything like that, but he is proof that even responsible, well-educated, always-steadily-employed can suddenly find themselves facing uncertainy, too. I do know that I would have done whatever I could have without batting an eye had he been on the verge of homelessness or otherwise needed help. Almost everything I’ve accomplished is due in large part to his generosity.
Its really hard to not comment with a lot of projection! I know I comment a lot less lately because halfway through It I’ll realize all i’ve done is project my own views/experiences/issues onto the comment, and thats never really helpful to an LW. Its been a real eye opening experience in my ‘real’ life too, to assess what points I make to friends and how they are really just projections of my own issues. Although, add in a few drinks and I’m blunt as hell tactless me. I say what I think, and don’t care how its phrased. EEK!
I don’t know if any of you watch Parenthood but they just dealt with this very issue in a recent subplot. The husband says no way when the wife wants her mother to move in but the wife railroads him into it against his will and it’s a disaster. The mother-in-law is controlling and disrespectful and when the husband calls her on it, she leaves in a huff and the wife is pissed.Of course, because it’s a family show, everything works out (the wife finds out she’s pregnant and everyone’s happy) but in real life that marriage would have been seriously damaged.
It seemed to me that those who were married were the ones (besides yourself) saying don’t let him move in and those who were single who were saying let him stay with you. Those who are married knew what a strain it would be while those who are single see is as more hypothetical.
The debates going on here are crazy today. Let me tell you a day in my life and than see if you want people including family to move in with you.
Wake up to constant yelling, screaming and arguing. Listen to the verbal and emotional abuse. Call cops bc FIL san alcoholic and is threatening to kill you bc he is drunk and you stood up for your husband ( who is working his ass off to keep a roof over everyones head).
Try to collect the $200 per month rent w/o a major fight erupting. And thos continues all day and night, everyday and night until husband comes home from work. Then all of a sudden they are on their best behavior bc they do not want husband to see what ia going on when he isn’t home (even tho he does and not only do i tell him but i also have tape recorded and video taped it).
Then cope with the fact that FIL & BIL got into a fight and broke your kitchen cabinets and brand new glass stove top with a bat! And you know what the police said ” There is nothing we can do you need to go to court and have them evicted.
So if you want to be nice like I did and let them move in instead of listening to husbands advice do so at ur own risk.
Oh ya and having to stay home and quit ur job bc of all the bs that goes on…..
And lack of privacy, can not have sex until everybody is in bed, and being at the end of ur rope.
Again let ppl live with u at ur own risk!
I hope all the people saying, “But you don’t turn your back on FAMILY!!!” read this.
I agree with Wendy, perfect! And I guess that’s why I commented above that I would never be able to NOT take my father (or any family member in), because they are all such hard-working honest people that, if they needed the help, some major shit must have happened. I have never been in the situation where a family member was a user and an abuser…. so I just don’t get it. But case by case basis is what would need to happen.
I’m seriously astounded. Not by the LW’s feelings of conflict (totally understandable). And not by Wendy’s response (which I 100% agree with). But by the commenters who think the LW and husband would be cruel to not continue to bankroll a grown ass man who has a history of leaning too heavily on family members (see LW comment addition) and who has already drained $20,000 which could’ve gone toward a down payment on a house, a future child’s college fund.
The only reason I can see for supporting the idea of taking the father back on as a dependent is that some commenters are reading their own experiences/family dynamics into this letter. My parents would never mooch off of me. They would come to me out of absolute desperation, and hell yes, I would take them in because I would know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it’d be the right thing to do. But this is not the same. This LW’s father is not my father, who would do whatever it would take to provide for himself, my mom, and my young siblings. He would never be too proud to compromise and pursue a different line of work.
LW, can your dad build or repair stuff? If he has access to tools, he could work as a handyman. Can he qualify for a CDL? As long as he has no DUIs, he could become a short-haul or long-haul truck driver. What can he do on a computer? His skills with that could open up a variety of work.
My birth father will be 72 next month, and he STILL WORKS!! He’s always been handy and owns lots of tools, so he started working for his brother in construction as well as doing handyman work as a volunteer for his church and for the single/widowed women at church who needed home repairs. The volunteer work turned into a lot of paid work, to the point where he needed to turn down some of it. He works as much as he needs to to pay off some foolish financial decisions that he owns up to, without ever having asked anyone for a handout. Oh, and he lives in a high-unemployment state (Kentucky).
Either your dad is motivated to work or he isn’t. If he’s not, then don’t enable him. Your and your husband are the family that comes first.
LW, don’t do it. Respect your husband and your marriage, and let your father get his ass in gear and figure out a plan. I guarantee that he will actually start doing SOMETHING once he has no choice. I’m speaking from experience here (although I’m in your husband’s spot), so I apologize in advance for this lengthy overshare of a comment.
I’m 29 and have been living with Mr. Temperance for 7 years. His father has tried to move in with us for the past 5 of them after spending a year trying to convince us that he merely wanted to live in our complex (several hours from where he was living and working). It’s gotten so bad with his behavior that he literally does not know where we live, and we’re in a secure building that you can’t get into without a key because he will actually just show up at random hours, uninvited (like 7:00 a.m. when I have a job interview to go to … that happened). We live several hours away from him, btw.
He was let go from a job 4 or 5 years ago because he’s an ass and he decided that he needed to start a “family business” because “you can’t make money working for somebody else!”. You also can’t make money if you have no marketable skills and you open hobby businesses that you are not qualifed to do. (He tried to market himself as a radio personality, a graphic designer, a sculptor, and a writer … none of which he has any experience actually doing.) He has been telling my fiance since college that once he gets a real job, his father was going to move in because it was time for him to “relax” and my fiance needed to repay the 18 years of support given by his father. He’s said that he would provide childcare for our kids while we worked in exchange for a free place to live so he could be closer to our (non-existent) children.
There are plenty of issues with his dad that aren’t related to his laziness and lack of motivation. He’s a raging misogynist, and has told me to my face that I’ve taken a grad school spot from a man who needed to support his family. He’s asked me, in front of my fiance, whether my uterus was working because he “needed grandchildren”. He’s given me a sex talk and inquired about our birth control habits. He’s told my fiance numerous times to leave me because I was going to get knocked up and leave him to take all the child support. When my fiance was a kid, he gave him talks about how women are evil, just steal your money, and will cheat on you with younger men while you’re at work.
So, he doesn’t live with us, and we’ve agreed that he never will. He’s made his bed with his choices and his horrible personality, so he needs to lay in it. Our relationship could not survive that man being in our faces every single day.
After reading everything, I would definitely say do not let your father move in with you. Only offer him help IF he agrees to all of your conditions attached to the help. While I understand wanting to help your family, in this case you need to focus on you and your husband first. The only person who can make your father change is your father. Sad, but true.
Although, if I was living with a family member because I’d fallen on hard times (like my parents) you can bet I would be helping out around the house! I’d be cleaning or cooking (well, trying to – I’m not really much of a cook) and I would definitely have a job or be actively trying to look for a job. I think the problem in cases where the family members stay too long and don’t do anything is because there aren’t any rules in place for those situations. There aren’t any deadlines or criteria to meet, which lessens the sense of urgency and “I gotta do this – gotta find a job and a place to live!” It’s hard to feel urgent when things are being taken care of for you.
Listen to everyone’s advice – I’m sure you will make the right choice. Definitely do not make a choice that goes against your husband’s wishes though. While you have known your dad all your life, you CHOSE to be with your husband and marry your husband, and if you don’t keep that in mind – that marriage is about compromises and trying to make the both of you happy with your choices – that marriage could easily turn into a divorce. Just think long and hard about all of this and good luck!
This is ridiculous. The husband is entirely justified. The Father-In-Law should go sign up for temp jobs, government benefits, etc. There are very few able bodied homeless. The vast majority are either mentally ill, drug addicted, or homeless by choice. Unless the father in law is borderline retarded, he can stay off the streets. He’s just lazy and fails to plan. He’s not some victim.
This is not just because the Father-In-Law can’t get a job. It’s also because he wasted all his money on the deadbeat half-sister. The husband does NOT have to now effectively pay back the Father-In-Law the money he gave to an able-bodied loser. That was his choice.
Frankly, there is a huge gender issue here. A lot of the posters are women who say “we have to support family” but they want to do this with their husband’s money. If the original poster’s feelings on the matter are so strong, she can take a second job on the weekends and send her father the proceeds. Or she can dramatically cut her expenses (no new clothes and no dining out for a year, and send her father that money). And if neither of these issues are palatable to her, then I think we know how important supporting her father REALLY is to her. But to whine about how “helping out family is just the right thing to do” as a way of getting her spouse to subsidize her deadbeat father is just emotional manipulation. It may not be deliberate, but that’s what it is. Subsidizing and enabling a parent’s bad behavior is a stupid choice. If she wants to make that choice, fine, but SHE has to make it with HER OWN resources, not with her spouse’s. Yes, yes, yes, it’s all “ours,” but subsidizing deadbeats beyond the original $20,000 is clearly not in the husband’s plan. If the wife now wants to spend money above and beyond what’s in the plan, she can figure out how to make some money or make some sacrifices. She doesn’t just get to have feelings and then raid the joint savings account to make herself feel good.
I could never turn my father away knowing he’s doing his best. He tried his best to help his other daughter and as a parent, it’s hard to not help your kids. I would agree to living with me for a year to get back on his feet but in that year, he must get government assistance while looking for a job even if it’s not in his field. I’m sure when he was younger, having a higher education wasn’t important. Finding employment with one factoring in his age, no doubt is impossible.
So, seeing as I am in the same boat just from the opposite view point (husband) to wife with father she seems to want to let live with us.
Our situation differs in the sense of who the dad is. This is a man that literally cannot handle money and has ALWAYS been broke or having phones shut off because he cannot pay bills, but he sure does have a lot of new things and all the new movies that come out (digital, disc, and often the “special editions” of the same movies)
He is “down on his luck” now, which is not surprising but I DO NOT want him living with us. I paid off his $5000 debt that was promised to be paid back and I have never seen any of it back…and he immediately let that bill rack up again so the next time we let that boat sink and got a new plan so my wife was not tied to his at all, which worked out for us cause he still has his phone turned off once a month.
With this situation, I feel like most people would see that the end result for me if I cave is I am spending the rest of our life with her father living with us, over spending his money and never contributing…all on my one salary now.
It really depends on what has gone down in the past with her father and her husband for him to not want it at all!
Ok I didn’t read all the comments. I’m Hispanic so my response is necessarily going to be colored by those cultural norms. I fully expect my husband and I will either support his mother to an extent as she gets older or she will eventually come live with us.
With that being said, what’s missing here is the probability of your dad getting a job in his field. If he’s in his 50s to 60s it’s unlikely they are hiring him because he will retire soon. They don’t know your Dads accounts are empty and he’ll work until he keels over. Retail jobs are physically strenuous and again unlikely to hire an older man unless it’s like Home Depot or Walmart greeter. If I’ve pegged your dads situation correctly, all of you need to have a come to Jesus talk and set some realistic goals and boundaries. If after a year your dad hasn’t gotten his old life back we can safely say that is not a realistic goal. Living with you isn’t an option if you want to keep your marriage. So your problem is where do you send an out of work old man so he can realistically support himself? Somewhere with a low cost of living and perhaps an industry that desperately needs workers. Small town Texas with a chicken processing plant perhaps? The Dakotas? Drastic times call for drastic measures.
Think of it like this. Could you still look at yourself in the mirror if he became effectively homeless and let him alone in the streets.I don’t think so. We all know that it mostly goes downhill from there.
I understand that you already did a lot. But you clearly love your father. You can help him. Your husband doesn’t understand you situation or thinks you have done enough? How would he react if his father or mother was in this situation? What is family for if we leave those we love when they need us the most ?
Either way you will resent your husband for not helping your father in real need.
If you décide to not help him by feeling sick and guilty to the stomach and if you do decide to Take him in, by having your partner making it all about him.
But at the end the real question is wich of thèse options are you really able to live with ?
Lots of courage love,
My take: you said you had left your work to support your husband’s business. What about you go back to your old industry/job and with that extra money start supporting your dad?
The conversation with husband would be to decide between: you help the business if your father can live in your house while he gets back on his feet; you don’t strain the marriage with your father living in your house but you find a higher paid job that would allow you to help your father as you want.
I still agree with other comments on supporting dad to find any kind of job. The bigger issue here is that if he doesn’t have any savings for his old age now, he won’t be able to build those up and you will still find yourself in a similar situation in a few years from now.