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“I’m in Love with my Gay Best Friend!”

I’m in love with my gay best friend. He and I were very close and unfortunately I fell in love hard. We never messed around or anything but there was sexual tension on my behalf. We stopped talking because life got in the way and I can’t get over him. I told him I loved him and he hasn’t talked to me since. My friends think I’m crazy because I always get hit on but have no interest in other dudes. How do I move on? — In love with my Gay BFF

 
Maybe it’s safe for you to love your gay best friend because you know there’s no threat of having your heart broken. My hunch is when you are truly ready for a relationship and the risk of getting hurt, you won’t have trouble falling for someone who’s straight and available.

I’m 31-years-old and I live with my mom. She treats me like I’m 15-years-old. I’m not allowed to go out with a guy but I’ve been dating a guy for a couple of years now and I when I do go out she is constantly calling me, telling me it’s late. I understand her concerns but sometimes I feel so restricted. I want to talk to her but she scares the heck out of me and I rather not get her mad. What should I do? — Tired of Meddling Mom

 
Move out.

I found out eight months ago that my then-boyfriend (now ex) was cheating on me. I confronted him and he did not deny it, nor did he end it with the other woman, who knew about me. Four months ago, I simply couldn’t take it any more and broke it off.

Just to see, I gave my ex a proposition and he has been cheating on her with me! I have incriminating evidence of this through emails and texts — he even has the videos! Meanwhile, the other woman is now moving to our town from a different state. Should I let her know her boyfriend’s been cheating on her? Maybe she won’t sell her home and move here. I have half a mind to wait until her home is sold and then tell her. What do you think? — I’m the Other Woman Now

 
Why in the world are you out to sabotage this woman you’ve never even met before when you’re willing to sleep with a guy who cheated on you? And if my reading comprehension of your subtext is correct and you hope to get back together with the scumbag and are willing to screw over some other woman in the process, then honey, you deserve whatever drama and heartache will be coming your way. Why don’t you give yourself a break and MOA instead.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

24 Comments

  1. Just wow. And what Wendy said.

  2. “Just to see, I gave my ex a proposition and he has been cheating on her with me!”

    Uhh… “just to see” what exactly … how little self-respect you have yourself?

    Congratulations you’ve “proved” your ex is an appalling human being but seem to have given up your last shred of dignity in the process.

    For the love of God, pull yourself together woman! Seriously, PLEASE develop some BASIC standards of acceptable conduct and begin to hold potential significant others AND yourself to said standards. It might also be beneficial to seek professional help since therapists can be a great help in identifying self defeating behavior (i.e. revenge is rarely a good motive for sex).

  3. oppositeofzen says:

    LW1 – Wendy’s advice was spot-on. Sit down and try to think about why you fell for your BFF. Maybe that will show you what you need to do so you can find a guy who is interested in you.

    LW2 – Seriously?! You’re 31 and complaining how your mother treats you because you live at home. Maybe she’s trying to force you to move out.

    LW3 – Yeah, your ex is a piece of work. And because of what you did, you are too. If you were just wanting to help her, that would be one thing, but you’re just being vengeful and purposely trying to hurt her because she hurt you. I don’t think I need to tell you how petty and immature that is. Yeah, he cheated on you with her and now you’re doing it to her. Be the bigger person and move on.

  4. Oooooookay.

    LW 1: Start finding activities to take your mind off of him – he just wasn’t that into you! Don’t worry about finding a guy to date – you get hit on all the time – just enjoy your life as much as you can until you find you stop thinking about him obsessively 24/7/365. Yes, it is safer to love someone you know doesn’t love (in that way) you back, but seriously, you can’t live your life like that. Also, he’s not talking to you because he probably thinks it’s weird that you know he’s gay and you still told him you were in love with him romantically.

    LW 2: Yeah, are you 15? No? Then get out of your mother’s house. You know, while you still live with your parents, you have to follow the rules of their house. Why? Because it’s THEIR house. So, if you want your mother to leave you alone, move out. (And why does she scare you? Probably so you’ll take a hint and leave.)

    LW 3: waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait. Stop. This trainwreck is happening way too fast for my brain to process.

    Okay. You had a boyfriend. He’s a douchey scumbag who cheated on you with a woman. You broke it off. (HINT: IT SHOULD’VE ENDED THERE). Then, he cheated on her… with you. Right? Wonderful. So… you have emails and texts that prove he cheated on her with you… and he has the videos?? You were dumb enough to make sex tapes just to prove to her that he’s cheating scum? Also: why would you proposition your ex when you know he has a gf? To prove he’s cheating scum? Well, hun, you already knew that WHEN HE CHEATED ON YOU WITH HER!! Oh my God! You’d do all this to get an asshat back?? Why would you want this douchebag back? (And you’re not much of a catch either for causing this big pile of flaming dog shit.) Delete the emails and texts and destroy the videos cause this will only come back to bite you in the ass. Oh, and don’t forget to delete your ex’s number.. and his Facebook.

  5. What scares me most about the last letter is that you are all old enough to own property and are acting this way. You let him take a video? Seriously? So you can have proof that you “beat” the other girl? And the prize is what exactly? There is no winning here – you’ve already lost – now it just up to you how much more you want to lose.

  6. GatorGirl says:

    LW#2- You didn’t really allude to why you live with your mother and there are a million different reasons why you could be – it’s cheap/free, you don’t want her to be alone, she needs you to help with her medical care, ect, ect. What you should do really depends on why you live there and if you pay to live there. Long story short – If you live there rent free your mother has ever right to control the times you come and go. If you pay rent and split utilities, then tell her to butt out. I also think you should think about why she doesn’t want you to see this man, are her concerns valid? If it’s possible the best solution would be to move out. If you can’t move out, bite the bullet and talk to your mom. Act like the grown woman you are and have an adult conversation with her.

    LW#3- Run, run away from this whole situation.

  7. I feel kind of sad after reading these. I just took a trip to Debbie Downerville.

    LW 1- It sucks to love someone you can never have. But, maybe suck it up the next time some guy hits on you and… get to know him a little!!! I kind of feel like maybe you aren’t giving any of these guys the proper chance. Even if it doesn’t turn out to be “true love”, the distraction will be great for you. And you’ll eventually get over your bff with all these distractions.

    LW2- I am guessing that maybe you have fallen on some hard financial times. I’ve had some spans in my adulthood where I had to live with my parents. But, I did what I could to get out. You should too. Find a roomie and a cheap place (even if it is tiny and a little run down… a little TLC will go a long way). You can’t really feel happy about your life as is? And if you are somehow at home because your Mom is ill or needs your financial help (which I doubt), then you do have the authority to do as you please. Time to be an adult- no matter what the case.

    LW3- Stop. I know it hurts to get cheated on… but as they say… living well is the best revenge! You could have shown this douche what a classy, successful and happy woman you are WITHOUT him. Instead, you added to the douchebaggery. Ugh. Cut off contact with him. Destroy your “evidence”. Let it go. This woman knows all about this guy. It’s not like she is some innocent party. She was the mistress! And, anyway, I know you’re not doing this to be a nice person by letting her know. You’re going to feel so much better once you stop these kinds of maddening situations and adding to the ridiculousness that exists in the world.

  8. LW3-you know what I hate about this whole situation, and it’s pretty common when cheating is involved? You think that because you hurt that everyone needs to hurt. Please stop kidding yourself by saying you are telling her for her benefit. That is the biggest lie that women tell themselves and their friends when revealing a cheater. If you really wanted to do anything for her benefit, it would be to stop sleeping with her boyfriend. You are doing it because this is the only way you know how to get back at your boyfriend. The other woman already knows that her boyfriend is capable of cheating. Just say good riddance and move on.

  9. CollegeCat says:

    LW 3 you should be ashamed of yourself. You do not want to help this other woman. If you think the readers of this site are stupid enough to believe that saving her from this relationship is your end goal you are even more dumb than I thought. You just want this douchebag for yourself. You video taped yourself having sex to prove to some other woman that you slept with her bf? You let HIM keep the tapes? You are going to reveal this evidence to her after she has sold her home? If she was his mistress and decided to move across the country to be with a cheater, she was already screwing herself – you didn’t need to join in. Why don’t you stay out of their relationship and get a real one of your own. All you are doing is proving to this man that he can treat women (especially you) however he wants and still get fucked on either coast. Congratulations you are the epitome of everything a grown ass woman shouldn’t be.

  10. Addie Pray says:

    $5 says LW2 writes back with an update and a whole shit ton of other facts that justify why at 31 she lives at home.

  11. We need to quarantine the LW3 on some far, FAR away island with her boyfriend. That way, she gets her boyfriend back, sans girlfriend, boyfriend is punished by not having anyone else to cheat with (and is stuck with the LW3), that poor third woman is spared from these two and then LW3 and her scummy ex are kept at a safe distance from the rest of society. It’s a win for everyone!

  12. lets_be_honest says:

    Did anyone else catch that LW3 stayed with her cheating boyfriend for FOUR MONTHS before deciding she should dump him? WTH?!?!

  13. DudeInChicago says:

    LW3 – here’s an alternate advice: Slap yourself!

  14. LW#1 – It’s very easy to fall for your gay best friend if he’s the only guy you’ve made yourself available to. Finding the right partner involves giving yourself permission to be vulnerable to the other person. If you can’t trust yourself to do that with the other person, you have to develop that trust within you first.

    LW#2 – My sister is your age, and she still lives with our parents, yet she also helps contribute to the household with her full-time job and is currently pursing a nursing degree to compliment her MBA. Mom will give her flack about her occasional late nights, but Mom also knows my sister’s class schedule and my sister has the courtesy to tell her in advance when she’ll be home late for a social event. If you’re not willing to give your Mom the same level of transparancy and respect as you live under her roof, you SHOULD move out.

    LW#3 – When you ended the relationship, you should have MOAed – not gone on to make more videos with him as the other woman. MOA, DTMFA, JUST STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM ALREADY! You know the guy is lousy with maintaining relationship monogamy, so why would you let him keep the evidence of that? The only thing you’ve done LW is made yourself more likely to becoming an unwilling future-amateur porn star – so congratulations on having your current exploits potentially being uploaded on the internet on one of those ex-girlfriend revenge sites for all to see.

    I hope you at LEAST had birth control utilized.

  15. LW3 – the other woman knows her bf is a cheater. He cheated on you with her. If she doesn’t want to believe it, she’s delusional, and nothing you will say or do will convince her otherwise. Especially coming from you, she will put all the blame on you, the “crazy ex”, not where it deserves, on him. And thinking about it, you are doing the same thing – you blame her, and you want to hurt her, not him.

    As a rational third party (well, hopefully rational), I would just say you should move on, glad that you know what a piece of s**t your ex is. Focus on how much HE hurt you, not her. He’s been leading both of you on. Direct your anger at him, not her. And here’s hoping that your next bf will be better than your ex.

  16. LW1: What Wendy said.

    LW2: This reeks of stereotype. Oy vey! Either your mother really IS that overbearing, or she’s doing it because you really haven’t gotten the other messages to move your ass out. Grow up and get your own place.

    LW3: In the words of Red Foreman: “You’re a dumbass”. You had incontrovertable proof that your ex was a cheating douchebag and left him. Then, to “prove” to yourself that he still was a cheating fucktard, you offer him sex. Not once, but multiple times? And you videotape it? You give him KINKY sex that you videotape and photograph? What the fuck does this prove? That you are just as fucking terrible, low, vile, and skanky as he is? Honestly, I really hope that you get an STD for your little mindgames. The only one getting played in this is you. Well, and the other girl who probably has no idea that he’s still banging the now/former/once-was/now-is-psycho “ex”.

    You needed no proof that he’d cheat again. You needed no proof that you were still desirable, because he had no desire to break up with you while still sleeping with the other woman (remember, you broke up with him). You are just doing this to be a spiteful bitch and to see what it’s like being the other woman. Do you respect yourself enough to be the ONLY woman? If not, by all means, continue your mindfuck. Make sure to have plenty of antibiotics on hand. I doubt that you and the other girlfriend are the only two he’s sleeping with.

  17. So I purposefully have a handful of facebook friends like LW3… people from high school and college that I keep as facebook friends so that when I think “Oh Sweet Hell Amy – get it together” – I can glimpse into their lives and realize that there are people who are actually just huge train wrecks waiting to happen (or currently happening) – they make me feel like a much more functional and rational human being. Good Lord! Get it together woman!

    Is there any chance she just accidentally hit send on the letter instead of delete after reading it and realizing how crazy she sounded?

  18. LW#3 and the other woman are both FWB. No mention in letter that the guy ever said that they were exclusive. Clearly they weren’t. Clearly that wasn’t an issue for the other woman. Equally clear not really an issue for LW#3. How much clearer could it get than him saying he has another woman and will not give up the other woman. So you stay another 4 months. What was that about? Now you’re back! This really seems the classic case of LW#3 assuming a FWB is really a relationship. Given that, I’m not going to jump to the conclusion that the guy is a scumbag. He may just be trying to have a FWB relationship with a woman who can’t handle that, but also can’t say no to him.

  19. parton_doll says:

    LW1: It’s so easy to think that you’re in love with your gay best friend because it is incredibly easy to get close to them. And you do get close to them because they’re gay and you don’t put up the same boundaries that you would with a straight male friend. This circumstance can give you a false sense of intimacy with your friend. He was right to cut ties with you (hopefully temporarily) because he isn’t feeding into your attraction. Now, instead of looking for that intimacy that you had with your friend in other men, really try to start looking for the qualities that you value in other men and that may help you get over it.

    As the confidante of numerous gay men with female friends who are in love with them, just remember this … he is not going to ever want to ever fool around with you. He is gay and that won’t change. Your one way streets both travel in the same direction and will never meet.

  20. bittergaymark says:

    LW 1) Oh, dear. You are the mirror image of me. I often fall for my straight best friends — and I vehemently disagree that you’re doing so because it’s safe. Frankly, I can’t think of a more crushing way to break your heart. For nothing is worse than being mere soulmates when it’s the body that wants and needs the mating most… I know, I know…sometimes you simply can’t help yourself. With me it’s always about how much they like me and how much they think I’m funny and how much they totally get me. That said — Just. Stop. Now. Hey, cheer up. Look, if it makes you feel any better I so secretly hate you right now because all these hot straight guys keep hitting on you! Go have some fun. And maybe find an UGLY gay guy to be best pals with. 😉

    LW 2) Tired of being treated like a child? Gee, I dunno…ever consider growing up?

    LW 3) You are a cunt. And a decidedly warped and vengeful one at that.

  21. LW 3: You didn’t proposition your ex because you wanted to help his new “girlfriend”,so it’s a waste of time to try to fool us into thinking you’re some wonderful person trying to “help” this woman.You’re no better than the dick who screwed you both over.So…I’m not sure what the problem is here.

  22. the other guy says:

    Agree with the comment that LW3 is a FWB situation than BF. Seriously doubt the ‘BF’ ever thought of it as anything other than FWB. Not like he really respected you or you did anything to earn his respect, stayed with him after he told you he was going to see the other woman.

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