“I Can’t Stand My Mother-in-Law”
After we told them that we were interested, my MIL said that they would be doing an “owner finance” deal for us. They would pay off the house and have the house sale written up by a real estate lawyer so they were our bank and it would only have my husband’s name on the paperwork and NOT MINE. Even though we were planning a wedding and had a baby together at the time, my MIL still excluded me from everything. When my husband asked her why she was insisting on doing an owner finance deal, she said right in front of me: “That way YOU are protected and WE are protected.” She then told me I had to save a room for them in our house for when they came to visit, and she also tried to control EVERYTHING I did with the house, including all of the updates I made.
Anyway, I have not been able to get over this, and I am struggling with being around them. They come and stay with us ALL the time, and I am polite but I strongly dislike them and it’s getting worse. I thought over time maybe I would get over it, but I can’t. Am I overreacting? — Tired of My Controlling MIL
Honestly, as much as your MIL sounds like a piece of work, the real problem here isn’t with her, it’s with your and your husband’s inability to stand up to her. Why would you agree to buy her house when she made so clear how little regard she had for you? Why do you continue to let her come visit as often as she wants to? Why haven’t you made clear to your husband that it’s time for him to defend you and quit letting his mother walk all over you? Get a backbone and tell your husband to do the same!
Here’s an idea: say no sometimes. The next time your in-laws say they’re coming to visit, tell them it isn’t a good time. The next time your MIL makes some comment about what you’ve done with the place, tell her you love it and are quite happy with your choice. You may not ever be friendly with your MIL and you may not ever like her, but you don’t have to put up with her shit as much as your do.
My guess is that a lot of the negative feeling you have for your MIL isn’t so much disdain as it is resentment. You resent how much control she has over your and your husband’s life. But you need to take some responsibility for the amount of control you’ve allowed her to have. I mean, you’re a grown woman. What are you afraid will happen if you finally stand up for yourself?
I can’t imagine the consequences would be any worse than living in a house that you have no legal stake in, with a husband who doesn’t seem to respect you very much, where you’re constantly questioned for every choice you make by a meddling MIL who neither likes you nor respects your boundaries because you haven’t made them clear enough. Make your boundaries clear! And start demanding more respect from your husband.
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The letter convinced me that LW will never going to be able to say “no” enough or get her husband to do it. There is simply too much history with the house and paper issues.
Best I can tell, she really has only one option:
Sell the house.
Or, can they refinance with a proper bank, so the MIL is no longer the financial controller? And, the LW could be on the paperwork this time around.
Yeh…WWS. Why the heck did you and your husband agree to move forward with buying the house knowing the financial deal she created? When you found out what she was trying to pull you should’ve said No and called in your own lawyer to write up a purchase agreement.
Why would you ever agree to this?! Your husband sounds like an asshole for agreeing to this and letting his parents rule his life and treat you like shit.
It’s too late to fix this particular issue. You dug your grave when you agreed to the crazy idea.
I don’t understand why you and your husband agreed to this. I’d seek counsel regarding the house and the marriage. The fact remains that your husband is complicit in this and that speaks volumes regarding his commitment to your family and marriage.
100% agree. I would seek a counselor and Real Estate Attorney to advise.
Either sell this house or refinance it with both of your names on it. Never pay money toward something that you’re not getting credit for. Holy shit. Unless you’re familiar with property laws and family law in your state, you might not even have rights to this house despite paying your money toward it. Get on this ASAP. You can not live your life this way. Can NOT.
I think it’s a big problem that the husband isn’t standing up for his wife. When the MIL does something disrespectful or is overly controlling, the husband needs to tell his mom to stop.
I also agree that they should try to re-finance with a traditional bank, but something tells me that probably will never happen.
I think the lesson to be learned is be careful about marrying someone when you know you don’t get along with their family.
And if you decide to get married knowing you don’t get along with their family, don’t put yourself in situations (financial or otherwise) that trap you.
if you have a problem with your husbands family and your husband doesnt remedy it, you actually have a problem with your husband. period.
what does he have to say about all this?
Yeah, oh my god, what. My first thought after reading this was, “well, you already fucked yourself” but there are ways to fix this. And you SHOULD fix this. Wendy’s advice is good, but you need to sell/refinance/get your name on that house before you even make the smaller changes she’s suggesting. This is unacceptable in every imaginable way, and, to echo others, it ~should have been~ unfuckingacceptable to your husband as well.
Second, I would examine why you chose this? Why did you let yourself get steamrolled by your MIL? Why did move into a house that your name isn’t on, under circumstances you were actually fearful of in the first place (” had a bad feeling that my MIL, whom I don’t get along with, would want to control everything about the house”)? Why did you simply hope “over time maybe [you] would get over it”? This isn’t something you should get over, it’s something you should backtack & remedy, because you & your husband made a colossal mistake.
Ugh, YES to everything everyone has said. You need to remedy this ASAP because the longer it goes on, the worse it will be for you. If you and your husband happen to split in the future, you will have nothing to show for all the work and money you have put into the house. You need to either get out from under that house altogether or refi ASAP with an actual bank (WITH your name on the paperwork!)
Come to Jesus talk with your husband is well overdue. Honestly, I would have stomped the brakes on that engagement the minute I realized he was going to go along with his mother’s ridiculous plan. It’s his place to deal with his family, but you definitely need to stand up for yourself here.
Meh, this problem is so weird to me that I am having a hard time figuring out who to blame. Ok, your BF’s mom is meddling and in your face and demanding. So do what Wendy says; get a backbone and say no and stand your ground!
But in re the real estate matter, well, it sounds like the parents are being nice and giving you a deal. (I am not saying therefore you should WANT to live there; but that’s something you and your BF need to discuss, and presumably did, and you’ve made your compromise.) Of course I don’t know the details of the actual deal, but I’ll assume it’s such a good deal that your husband did not want to pass it up. I’d hope so, anyway (And I’d hope he didn’t accept the deal just because he was afraid of them; then you’d have bigger problems.) And LW didn’t mention anything about HER money going toward the house so I’ll assume it’s NOT going to the house. So why on earth would she expect to be listed as an owner? She’s not even married yet! If I were plopping down my life savings and my mom and I were entering into a mutually-beneficial real estate transaction, I don’t think I’d put my hypothetical, non-contributing boyfriend on the deed. I mean, “contributing” in the financial sense; unless my BF and I were going into a real estate transaction together, why would he be named?
That you will eventually be married? Well then you’ll have marital assets, which depending on state law could include that house. So if you’re worried that he’ll up and leave you and you’ll be homeless, I think there are divorce laws that will likely prevent that from happening. But I don’t know. You didn’t raise a concern about *that* so I’ll assume that is not what is making you worried about the deal.
p.s. I loved – nay, LOVED! – Everybody Loves Raymond. You guys? Especially the parents.
LW literally says in the first sentence that they’re married. The plan for the house was brought up when they were engaged, but is now finalized, as is their marriage.
Simple rule for a happy marriage: your partner comes first. Before your parents. Before your partner’s parents. Or anyone else. If you don’t put your partner first, there’s not sufficient respect for the fact that they have joined their life to yours, in theory permanently. There’s not sufficient reason for them not to seek a better deal at some point.
During wedding planning, my wife’s very Old World mother believed that as the parent (and because they covered lots of the costs) she could dictate the details of the wedding and guest list. At one point, I simply disabused her of the notion. I was not her child and was not cowed by her powerful personality. I told her we would be making the decisions and if they didn’t like it, they didn’t have to pay. We would hold our own wedding and probably even invite them. She tried to dominate me, look daggers through me, and i simply didn’t budge. We have a much better relationship now, based on her respecting us. But even if that respect had not happened, we made it clear that we were calling the shots in our life.
Generally, it is the duty of the child, not the spouse, to set parents or other family members straight. Your greatest need now is to find out why your husband put his parents needs ahead of yours and his. This is important, because it will happen again, and possibly become a lifelong pattern. If he won’t put you first, you need to.
LW, people treat you the way that you allow yourself to be treated. You allow your husband to disrespect you and your MIL to treat you like garbage. If you want that to change, then you make it very clear to them that you will no longer be treated this way. First, you tell your husband that it is unacceptable that your house isn’t your joint property and you insist that you refinance with a financial institution. You also tell him that he needs to stand up for you, his primary family, to his mother and set boundaries with her regarding visitation, control of your joint property, etc. If he is unwilling to do this, it’s time to consider leaving. Frankly, your decision to marry this person without gumption (i.e. balls) was a poor one. Neither of you seem to have a backbone, so it’s time to grow one.
Letters like this make me glad for my wonderful in-laws.
LW – I can speak to this situation because I lived it. After my husband and I got married, my in-laws said they wanted to give us money for a down payment. In order to get this money, I needed to sign a “Post-nup” agreement. (So did my SIL’s husband). This stated that if the marriage dissolved, my in-laws are paid first from the household estate in the amount they gave us and then everything after was split 50-50. I was mortified because I was his wife and they made me sign this after the marriage.
Now, fast forward to today. My SIL just got divorced after 1 year of marriage. Had my inlaws not set up the agreement the way they did, then my ex BIL would have walked away with half of the money after only a year. So that is why they are protecting themselves. It isn’t betting on a divorce it is just in case.
Here is what I know for sure. As you get more stable in your role as wife, you will get more confident to set boundaries. It takes time. My mother in law and I have figured out a system that works but it took years. Honestly, I feel like they use money to control us but we accept the money so we have to walk that line of being grateful and standing up for ourselves.
Realize, at the end of the day, this arrangement will save you at least 200K in interest alone. This is also a way of slowly giving you your inheritance without taxes. This is very generous and will afford you and your child tremendous opportunities. As long as your husband and you are together, this is a huge step forward that most people don’t get. If your in-laws live far away, how often do you really see them? 5 times a year? remember that this opportunity outweighs any downside.
I don’t understand people who let their parents control their lives into adulthood. My bf does this but I have made it clear that his mother is not allowed to control me or question my decisions and that I won’t be accepting anything that comes with strings.
You need to set boundaries right now, and research your state laws about marital property. Usually your husband should deal with his family but if he can’t you will have to, and if he doesn’t like it, make sure your next husband has appropriate boundaries.
LW needs to see a lawyer. It seems MIL had a lawyer to safeguard her and her son’s interests and you were just left floating to your own devices. You need to fix this and to know what your rights are. You also need to insist that your husband not allow his mother to control your family. As I read this, MIL sounds like an immigrant living by old-country rules. Is that the case?
Sell the house. Really, sell it. Then purchase a house together that the two of you choose together and own together and all the rooms belong to the two of you and if you so choose, your MIL can spend a night in the guest room, not her own room, a guest room in your house. You should never have agreed to the deal in the first place when you heard the terms. You knew better but went ahead anyway. So now you need to try to do the right thing and fix the situation. You are responsible for putting yourself into this situation so let it be a learning experience that sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and make sure things are done right and not just hope that they work out.
Tell your husband that the future of your marriage depends on him standing up to his mom and him putting your marriage first. Tell him you need for the two of you to sell the house and purchase a different house that has never belonged to his parents and that it must belong to both of you and that his mother will not maintain her own room in your home. If you need help I think a marriage counselor would be able to help in this situation. If you don’t have kids, please don’t have any until this situation is settled. His mom has basically stated that she doesn’t believe your marriage will last and so she is protecting his assets when the divorce occurs by not having your name on the title of the home. She is assuming and betting and lining everything up so that the two of you end up divorced. You don’t need that in the middle of your marriage.
If you sell the house (which I think is the best option at this point), I’m sure that would piss off your MIL more. She’s not going away, and both you and your husband need to learn to stand up for yourselves. And you have to make sure that your husband is on your side. But really, I don’t see things going well and it seems damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I would strongly reconsider if you want to stay married, if it bugs you this much, because his family is not going away and unless you and your husband both step up big time, it’s only going to eat at you more. And I also think therapy would be a good place to start with learning how to have a backbone and say no more.
I am more concerned over the *having* to save a room for them when they come visit. That’s the crossed boundary that bugs me the most. A lot of great points have been made so far over the financial benefits to the LW and her husband, the timing of the transaction, and the need and maybe right of the MIL to protect her asset. Let’s ignore that for a second, and consider this transaction in the light of a renter and a landlord, where the renter just happens to be renting to own. Does a landlord have the right to insist that a room be saved for them? Does a regular bank have the right to insist on the same when they have a mortgagee? I think not.
I think the LW should redo the room as her office but provide an uncomfortable pull-out sofa or futon. Just a little passive-aggression to go with the lacks of backbone in that house.
So, you predicted this would happen and then agreed to buy the house anyway. I think you need to figure out what went wrong within your decision making process. Do you have trouble communicating with your husband? Do you have trouble standing up for yourself to him? Does he have trouble standing up to his parents? Do you have trouble listening to your instincts?
I also don’t really see the problem in what the MIL said about them being protected and you being protected. Was your point that you think she meant your husband singular? Because “you” often can be plural, especially when spoken by people who don’t say phrases like “y’all” or “you guys.”
Anyway, I don’t think that quietly seething over someone for doing things that you don’t tell them bothers you is right. If you haven’t attempted to fix things with them, then I think it’s kind of silly to sit and stew and hate them over it.
LW/Skiier18, thank you for writing in with that additional information. Yes, given that you paid market value and are paying interest (at a rate that is standard for my part of the country anyway) this is certainly no gift. I am not sure why Bunny and others are projecting their experiences with their generous in-laws onto your letter. Seeing that this is not at all the case for you makes this situation even more baffling. I am not at all sure why your husband would go for this when it was not a better deal for you than traditional financing. You are paying for half so your MIL’s attitude is bizarre and inappropriate. You need a serious talk with your husband. I’m sorry to say this but he needs to decide what is more important: your sanity or satisfying the caprices of his mother.
No, I believe that when it comes to money, you need to not be emotional. Everyone on here is telling her that this isn’t right, and I am saying that she better take a measured approach. Go over the finances, find a way to protect herself, and don’t alienate the family of her husband. Look, there is ALOT we don’t know about these people’s finances. There are a lot of reasons why refinancing or selling the house could have catastrophic impacts on her finances and her marriage. What if they don’t have the credit to refinance or don’t have enough down. Is it really worth refinancing at a higher interest rate on principal? What if the best interest rate she can get is 6-10% on a 30 year fixed versus paying 4% for 10 years. She could literally make a decision that could cost her 200K depending on the size of the mortgage. Seriously, those kinds of things make me physically ill. There are other financial options that could make sense here. She is working and qualifies for all sorts of retirement benefits. Heck if she gets a roth, she can take the principal out without any penalty in an emergency. There are so many options here that don’t require her to alienate her inlaws, shake up her marriage, and set them back financially.
Thank you all so much for your input. I guess I am just struggling with the fact that she had such disrgard for me and my place as the mother of her sons child, and the fact that we had a wedding planned. And above all of that, she tried to continue to act like the owner and have control over things with the house. She also made comments that the onyl reaosn why she sold the house to us was so they would have a place to stay when they come home to visit- becaue her and her daughter don’t have a relationship so she can’t stay with them (now I can see why) I am unsure of what I will do at this point, I have a lot of thinkign to do- I would rather they don’t stay with us at all and get a hotel. I actually brought it up to my husband that I would rather they stay in a hotel while they are here because they are so disrespectful to me (dont remove their shoes at the door even tho they are aware I have a no shoe policy, make messes, don’t offer to cook dinner while we are work, and stays in her room reading 90% of her visit) but he wont ask them to get a hotel. i Just can’t wint!
Mil is a conniving cunt. You don’t have to know what game she is playing she has made it clear she does not like the dil. And she is absolutely playing games. LW and Hubs are always going to have issues with her unless one or both of them do something. LW needs to stop expecting her husband to fight her battles and just tell this bitch what’s up.
This whole sitch is about control and who has it and who will give it up.
Me personally, I would have walked away from the whole shabang and left the damn kid on their doorstep too (then again I wouldn’t have gotten knocked up by a loser mama’s boy without having my own business handled – i. e.- had my own damn house in my own damn name paid fornwithmwn oydamn money) . I was raised by extreme narcissistic parents though so I have an extremely low tolerance for bullshit.
My Mil tried some nonsense with me – nothing on this scale bc my in laws are dirt poor and ask us for handouts-I am an attorney and she asked me for legal advice about a car deed for her daughter that she cosigned for against EVERYONE’S advice. When she didn’t like the accurate answer I gave her and started yelling at me. I calmly told Mil to go fuck herself and I haven’t heard from her since. Hubs just laughed and said good maybe she will listen this time. Doubtful but it would probably solve some of her issues.