“A Friend Groped My Wife At a New Year’s Party”
She did not pull away or remove his hand. I stared briefly and then looked away, feeling shocked and uncomfortable. I don’t know how long his hand was there, and not knowing how to react, I did nothing that night. As the night continued, I did not see any more groping, but I wasn’t really looking. I seemed to forget about it, probably from more drinks.
The next day I remembered what had happened and asked my wife about it, that I had seen “Jay” grabbing her butt. She said he had, that he was telling her how “hot” he thought she was, and that he had told his own wife that he thought my wife was hot. His wife had already gone home when the “groping” occurred. She went further in telling me that he had told her once before that he thought she was “hot.”
I didn’t ask her how long he had his hand on her or if he had done this before; I suppose in hindsight I should have. We talked a bit more about it and chalked it up to alcohol, but in the past few days it’s been bothering me as I keep thinking about his hand on her and that he’s told her before that he thinks she’s hot. And this was the first time I’ve heard of it.
We have a great marriage and I’ve never had a reason to not trust my wife, but I’m having a hard time getting over this. I’m also reluctant to see him again as I’m not sure how I might react if we happen to be in a similar situation.
How should I feel about this? — Angry, I Think
Wow, so you see a man grope your wife’s butt at a party and rather than, I don’t know, ask your wife if she’s ok, confront the guy, or suggest leaving the party, you… do absolutely nothing. Until the next morning when you ask your wife about it and then start getting bothered — not because of how your wife might be feeling about all this, but because you feel threatened?
You say you’ve never had a reason to not trust your wife, implying that maybe now you do. Because some other man called her hot and grabbed her butt at a party. You’re having a hard time getting over this, not because your wife might feel objectified, uncomfortable, or even victimized, but because YOU don’t like that someone is moving in on your territory. You know, maybe this neighbor friend isn’t the only guy treating your wife with less respect than she deserves.
You want to know how to feel about this? Here are some ideas: maybe you could feel concerned about how your wife feels being called “hot” by another man. Did it make her feel uncomfortable? Was she flattered? Did it make her wish you called her hot more often? How did she feel when he grabbed her butt at a party? How does she feel knowing you saw and did nothing?
I don’t see this so much as what happened between your wife and the other guy — it’s important, of course, especially if your wife feels in any way unsafe or uncomfortable — but I see this as more about what is (or is not) going on between you and your wife and how your immediate and most dominant reaction is concern for YOU and YOUR feelings rather than hers. Make your wife’s feelings in this scenario more important than yours because she was the one whose ass was groped. And I guess in answer to your specific question about how you should feel, you should probably feel a little ashamed that I need to tell you this.
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LW1 WWS. You watched a guy put his hands on your wife and turned away….if my husband did that to me I would be devastated. Honestly I would probably leave him.
LW2, please use birth control. Neither of you are mature enough to be parents, don’t add another hostage to this mess. You can live a better life, for the sake of your kids please try. Stop the drama parade.
LW1 I have a different take. I think you are upset because a man had his hands on your wife and she didn’t seem to react in any way. She didn’t act bothered or concerned or upset. She didn’t act at all bothered by his hands on her buttocks.
In general, people don’t touch anyone below the waist unless they are intimate unless they are groping and it is unwanted. Your wife didn’t seem to act like it was unwanted so you are left with the concern that they are intimate. It is a real concern. They were both so comfortable with that touch that they did it openly in a group of people that know them. I’d be concerned too.
Even now your wife doesn’t seem to be upset by that touch. You don’t mention her being angry or upset or hurt. She just says the neighbor thinks she is hot. I’m leaning toward them being in an intimate relationship.
Glad you all went here — because as I read Wendy’s response I thought … EEEEP…. maybe I should sit this one out.
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But yeah, I had the same take.
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The wife’s reaction doesn’t fit the narrative Wendy put forth. Maybe the wife didn’t pull away as she simply enjoys a little mild public flirtation. Some do. God knows I used to when I was younger and hotter.
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This doesn’t make her a bad person. Far from it in my book… Look — the idea that a grown women has to always be rescued from a public flirtation where all she had to do was slightly pull away isn’t exactly very empowering.
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I think the husband is simply concerned that his wife WASN’T more upset. And who knows — maybe she wasn’t? I suspect this also freaks hubby LW out as friend is a wee bit hotter than he is…
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They should talk about this. But I would love to hear from the wife. If she did in fact feel trapped and powerless, by all means, that changes everything. But at this point I am not at all sure she did.
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PS — I am NOT trying to blame the victim here, merely stating that as it reads, I am not creating one either.
I didn’t see her as a victim either. The one thing she wanted her husband to know about the incident was that the neighbor thinks she is hot and that this wasn’t the first time he has said she is hot.
I think she liked it. She found it flattering. She would like to rub it in.
I’m guessing you both are men because as women we have to not react to unwanted touches for fear of retaliation. Creepy men like that don’t take no well and are more likely to make her even more uncomfortable if she reacts negatively but they will respect another man. LW should have asked his wife if she were ok and gotten her outta there asap. Then he should have talked to her about it and if she defends the guy then yeah there’s a problem but if she doesn’t then he just rescued her from a bad situation. And remember, to a woman, an unwanted interaction with a creepy man is just Tuesday whereas men get far fewer unwanted interactions.
I agree. I’ve been in a situation with a not-close friend’s husband where we were saying goodbye at his kid’s birthday party, and he leaned in to hug me. It took me by surprise and I sort of froze and let it happen. I felt very uncomfortable. After my husband and I left the party, I brought it up to my husband. I talked about how weird it was and how uncomfortable it made me. On the surface, it probably seemed like a benign hug but my gut felt like it was very off, and I trust my gut. I have made sure to never, ever be physically near him again. I avoided him entirely for a while. Now, when we run into each other at school or kid events, I keep physical distance and say goodbye from several feet away to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
I posted my comment too soon – want to add my conclusion: If wife was uncomfortable with the friend’s actions and words, and she had simply frozen in the moment, she would be taking steps to avoid being in that situation again. She would be trying to avoid private conversations with him. She would try to keep some distance between them. The fact that she doesn’t seem to be doing any of that and has never told her husband about this on prior occasions make me believe she likes it, she encourages it, and at the least she’s flirting with him and could be having an emotional or physical relationship with him.
I was thinking the same thing!!!
I agree. I think too many people are giving the gentleman a hard way to go and making the wife the victim. That kind of touchy comfort doesn’t magically appear and she’s already been warned that he thinks she hot prior to that night. For her to keep her husband in the dark and then entertain the neighbor at all speaks volumes. He should feel disrespected on all ends!
I disagree. We don’t know Jay or what he’s lime when he’s been drinking. Wife’s reaction may have been the safest.
LW, this is daily life for women. Men are constantly touching us without consent. So much so, that some of us brush it off because “at least it wasn’t violent.”
Your problem is with society.
LW, I’m not sure if your wife liked the grope or not. Maybe she liked the attention, or more likely she felt paralyzed, didn’t want to cause a scene and was counting the seconds in her head until it was over. Or maybe it was something in between. Did you ask her she felt about it? Or did you ask her how she’d prefer you act if you saw something like this again?
Anytime I feel threatened by unwanted attention, whether it’s at work, on the street, at a party, on the bus, at the grocery store, etc. I immediately tell my husband about it. There’s really not much he can do, but it feels good to tell him some of the hardships women face. It’s cathartic. I think it’s telling that she didn’t mention it to you. Maybe it’s worth having a conversation about and perhaps you’ll feel less territorial and more understanding. And maybe she’ll feel more comfortable sharing concerns in the future.
When he asked his wife about it she said the neighbor says she’s hot. She didn’t say he is a creepy, he disgusts me or anything derogatory about him. She doesn’t say she didn’t know what to do or that she froze. She just shared that the neighbor says she is hot.
Exactly. No… “OMIGOD, that was SOOOOO fucked up, I almost died…”
Just remember, we’ve only got one perspective on this situation and in my eyes, it’s skewed. I don’t trust LW to relate the story truthfully or fully as he is too concerned with his own feelings to accurately convey his wife’s.
LW- I think you have reason to be concerned from the perspective that your wife seemed unperturbed by the “affection” this neighbor showed. It’s strange— her reaction, that is. My advice would be to re-approach your wife and tell her you’ve thought about this and you are upset.
Tell her that you no longer feel comfortable with the neighbor, so much so that you feel the need to talk with him about this behavior. Be willing to do it and explain to this guy that it’s way over the line, and inappropriate. Tell him you have to think about socializing with him in the future.
This will give your wife an opportunity to know that your concern is two fold: her physical space and integrity and the marriage. It can also give her a chance to say how she feels… if it made her uncomfortable, etc. I find her non reaction strange… but you need to talk with her about it and also tell this guy “oh hell no!”
Something similar happened to me while I was with my husband. We were out at a high end bar by a lake near our house with out of state friends. An old man (probably in his late 60’s) up to talk to my husband. The nice drunk kind saying come out on my boat this summer. It will be fun. During that time, the old man grazes my butt. I thought for sure it was an accident but nope, he did it twice.
Anyone who would have seen it happen would have seen no reaction from me. I didn’t want to cause a scene and I simply ended the conversation between him and my husband so he would move on.
I told my husband later but I thought twice about it. He was upset and wanted to go find the old man. He was upset that another man put his hands on me without my consent and disrespected our marriage and me, as a person. Not once did he say anything about HIS feelings or not being sure he could trust me because of what another man did.
That man was a creepy old stranger… which is, frankly, quite different.
I read between the lines (maybe it’s just me) and I think what’s bothering this person is that his wife didn’t seem to mind. Like maybe it’s happened before, or if it hasn’t, it’s in the husband’s mind now that these things might happen and not be stopped. That was, at least to me, where the concern came in…
I think she liked the attention. You don’t necessarily react strongly in such a case, especially if you know the person as a friend. They say it was related to drinks, and it happens at such parties. But if I were the LW, I would have a talk with the neighbor, tell him I saw this inappropriate gesture and warn him to stay away and respect my wife and my marriage. You can handle such a conversation, without getting too angry, just in order to set clear boundaries. You can also ask your wife about her feelings, how she would like him to react if such a case reoccurs.
The fact is that LW didn’t give any information about his wife’s feelings, which she must have spoken about. Or at least shown to him – he should be able to read her by now, right? So I think that in itself is very very weird – like it doesn’t matter.
My take was more along the lines of worrying about the wife enjoying that a little too much. To me, harmless flirtation does not involve any touching.
That being said, Wendy brought up some good points. I would want to explore the wife”s feelings.
I think a normal reaction would be to confront the situation right then and there. Since he didn’t he is either a wuss or skeptical of their commitment to each other. Something ain’t right. If the wife was so OK with it then that’s a sign that something is off not to mention the other guy is a creep!
I think there are two scenarios. Either she didn’t care much (for whatever reason), or she did care. You’re implying that because she didn’t move his hand, it must mean she liked it, but I think you should be careful making that assumption without any information. Some women freeze when something crazy like that happens, some women think their husbands will just get jealous if they tell them (sort of like you did), some women don’t know how to feel. It’s possible that it DID bother her, and she didn’t know what to do. Nobody gets a guidebook about what to do when a friend/neighbor grabs your butt at a party. Instead of sitting around and trying to figure out how she feels or wonder how long it went on, why not ask her? If after 18 years, you can’t have a simple conversation like that, you have bigger problems. Just say, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about what happened at the party. How long did he do that? How are you feeling about it? Are you OK?” You can convey concern for her, while also getting more information about how she feels about it, instead of guessing.
So it’s one thing to be weirded out in the moment, but it’s a whole other thing to not even tell your spouse about it at home that night or the next morning. So what’s the reason for not sharing that concern with your spouse so that they are aware to be on guard for this guy or possibility to even say something to him?
This question comes from curiosity. How many women on here would need their husband to specifically ask how she felt about the situation before she would tell him?
I personally find it odd that he would need to include how did you feel about that.
In the second year of our marriage we were at a party and I was sitting with a group of people and as I turned to my left to talk to someone the guy sitting there on my left kissed me on the lips. I didn’t back up because I was sitting. I froze a touch and then pulled my head back. I’m sure my face looked stunned and then disgusted. I didn’t make a scene. On the way home I told my husband about it which included exactly how I felt about his friend and how disgusted I was and that I thought he needed better friends. There was no doubt about how I felt.
Am I unusual in speaking that way? I assume that all of my friends would speak up and include what they felt as part of telling what happened. I don’t know how you talk about something like that, if you are disgusted or hurt, without including how you felt about it.
I’m not married, but I know that if I told one of my friends that a random guy grabbed my butt, I don’t know that I’d go out of my way to say “that was disgusting” or “i feel upset.” I’d sort of figure that was obvious? My friend told a story about someone groping her, and she didn’t really specifically tell us it was a bad thing or that she didn’t like it, but we all understood that it wasn’t a happy story. I don’t know if husbands are different — I’d like to think that whoever I married would be enough on the same wavelength as me that if we were talking about a friend/neighbor touching my butt that he would think it was not good/gross without me telling him that. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t bring it up or comment on it, but just knowing how different I might respond to something than someone else reminds me that some people really do respond very differently than others. So, is it a little odd? Yes. Is it enough to assume she’s cheating (or whatever the LW assumes)? No.
All I know about their relationship is they’ve been together a long time and the LW calls it “great.” But I do think that if in the absence of the wife explicitly saying how she feels, the LW’s automatic response is not to ask any follow up questions and just sit and wonder about things, I’m not sure if their relationship is as great as he says. I can’t imagine seeing what happened, bringing it up, getting a minimal response and then not asking anything else.
Ffs, she didn’t have to be horrified and scandalized and traumatized by it and do a feelings dump to prove she wasn’t into it. It was a party with probably a bunch of drunk middle-aged suburban people. This kind of thing is not too uncommon, and she may not have been all that fazed by it. But that doesn’t mean she LIKED it or is sleeping with the neighbor. Lordy.
And what Dinoceros just said.
I am really having a hard time getting past that you saw this man that you know grope your wife and you looked away, and didn’t pay attention to her again all night. Then on the way home not a word and later in bed that night you didn’t even bring it up. You saw this happen to your wife and all you did was look away and didn’t pay attention to your wife again so you have no idea where this went or how people/neighbors treat your wife. Stop worrying about how you are going to re-act when you see them again the time for that is over. You missed that boat, you didn’t even show up to the dock. I am so sorry for your wife whether she was assaulted or your implication that she liked it, she is married to a man who doesn’t care enough to check on her. I would never be able to forgive my husband if I was in the same situation and he saw it and just looked away and didn’t pay attention to me again all night.
She didn’t slap him, or kick him in the balls? Maybe she is too much a lady to make a scene in public. Or maybe she likes being felt up in public. It is her choice but you need to know which.
I’m not ready to condemn the wife for her lack of reaction. We don’t know her history. Many of us are just struggling to survive and cope in the face of inappropriate behavior and trying to get through it. She may have also not told due to knowing how upset her hubby would be.
I think some of us are underestimating how gross men, including friends of husbands, can be.
My husband was out one night with a longtime friend. I had previously communicated 1:1 with friend to coplan for husband’s milestone birthday.
This night I get a few flirty texts. I assumed drinks, then joked is this husband. Immediately, a no I’ve always thought you’re hot and a request for pics of specific body parts. I was shocked! Went to bed and said nothing. A couple of weeks later I was still bothered and mentioned to husband. He got mad at me for hiding that for so long, and seemed more upset with me than friend.
I have no idea if he approached friend, but I regret saying anything.
Women deal with microaggressions and outright harassment often unfortunately. I’d never want to alone in a room with this friend or neighbor in the post.
I had a friend’s husband slide his hand down lower on me during a group picture and he made a comment. I made a non flirty but not rude comment back and moved away. I told my husband about it when I got back home though. I don’t really think he was hitting on me, he’s just kinda touchy, as is his wife. His wife has probably made me a bit more uncomfortable with comments/touching in the past, but alcohol was involved and they are nice people. I live in a small town. If I avoided everyone that did or said something that made me uncomfortable, I would not have any friends at all. I just laugh stuff off and tell my husband. I have literally had my breasts grabbed by a woman twice at parties when she was drunk. THAT made me a little uncomfortable, but she is a nice person and there didn’t seem to be any sexual interest behind it. I have co-hosted a party with her and she’s picked my son up from school for me when I’d only met her a couple of days earlier!! Turns out she’s done it to other people that have nice boobs and has since gotten a boob job. I think she probably won’t do it anymore. I might have even told her to “get your own” after the second time.
I actually love harmless flirting with coworkers and acquaintances because I get absolutely zero physical touch or desire from my husband, and haven’t in years.
He shows me every day in his preferred love language that he loves me, and I know he isn’t cheating because we always know where the other person is.
I have no desire to cheat on him either (I love him 100%), but if someone wants to tell me I’m beautiful and give me a side-hug at work, bring it on.
Yes, he and we need counseling for this. He’s said he’ll go for 13 months now. I can’t force him. I suppose that if he eventually decides he cares enough that he’s hurting me, he’ll choose to start.
Just a very different perspective to consider.