Quickie: “My Niece Won’t Stop Asking for My Address”
Yes, you’re being too petty. I understand that telling someone your address over and over and over is annoying, but it takes you how long to respond to her request? Thirty seconds? I mean, that’s how long it takes me to type out my address in email or text and hit send. And that sacrifice of your time really makes you feel like she thinks her time is more important than yours? I promise she’s spending more than thirty seconds picking out a card for you, writing a message, addressing it, putting a stamp on it, and sticking it in the mailbox. In fact, I’d suggest you re-frame the delight you feel in receiving a card. Instead of appreciating the surprise factor — and, really, how much of a “surprise” is it to receive a birthday card or holiday card or thank you card anyway? — see it as a message that someone is thinking about you and cares about you. And if you go that route, I’d think that even the request for your address — for the umpteenth time — could serve as that reminder. Someone thinks enough of you to put something in the mail the old-fashioned way. So, quit being old-fashioned yourself and appreciate that, in this fast-paced culture we live in, you are important enough to warrant a repeat request of an address, even if the person seeking it isn’t organized enough to write it down in a place where she can easily retrieve it.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
LW, how about sending her a pretty sheet of labels with your address or make up a cheeky refrigerator magnet with it on there for her? She won’t change, so work with it : )
Love the refrigerator magnate idea!
WWS 100%!
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I’ll alsospeak as someone who has had to ask for a lot of addresses lately – there are a ton of reasons to ask for an address even if you think you have it. People move and don’t necessarily tell you, meaning a card can be lost in the mail forwarding abyss for weeks (some of my wedding invitations were delayed almost a month before they were returned to us). Or they could have your address wrong (my grandpa had the wrong apartment number for me) and unless you regularly acknowledge receipt of the cards, it could be that she’s not sure they get you. It may just be her default to always ask, as is mine generally unless I’ve spoken to someone in the past month or two and know from that conversation that they haven’t moved. Even that doesn’t always help – we didn’t have the right address for my husband’s best man, awkward when he didn’t get an invitation!
Seriously – every year when I send Christmas cards, I realize that at least a half-dozen people on my list have moved and I need their new address. It could be that the niece does this with a lot of different people because she can’t remember who has moved and who hasn’t. I get the annoyance here but I agree with Wendy that it might be better to frame it as, “My niece is often thinking of me”. Silver lining!
Great opportunity to gift her with an address book, with some family addresses already filled in! There are some people who send us (our kids )bday cards like clockwork but sometimes they forget the name spelling or the age. nobodys perfect
Haha, I used to have an address book, but addresses changed so frequently that I ran out of space. Plus I didn’t have it on hand when I was out of the house. So now I use a Google doc (also shared with my husband) – highly recommended.
We started using a Google doc (spreadsheet) for wedding planning– it was great because I then shared the address file with the moms and had them fill in all the addresses for the relatives.
So since we already had that spreadsheet with all the wedding crap in it, I copied it, trimmed it down to just addresses and now use that for all my address needs, updating it as I go when people I hear that people move.
Eh, at the same time, that IS lazy and annoying. It’s not hard to search your email or enter it in your phone.
@Joanie, I regularly confirm mailing addresses and it isn’t because I’m lazy. I usually have an address and I’m a bit OCD about making sure there hasn’t been changes that I’m not aware of since the last time I sent something.
This probably stems from a time when my husband and I moved, and I had a relative who called me up acting incredibly put out because I hadn’t responded to her RSVP which I had never received because she mailed it to our old address.
I never thought it came across as “lazy” to confirm an address. It isn’t as though one has to go about looking up where they live. It’s literally a yes or no response, or in the case of this letter writer, one typed line. I think it’s strange and kind of lazy to be put off by something so small.
Well, this letter isn’t about you. In this case, it does sound lazy and a bit inconsiderate. Whether or not it warrants a confrontation is debatable, but I stand by what I said.
I get the LW’s annoyance, but not the “write to an advice column” level of annoyance. My aunt does what the LW’s niece does; she asks ME for my brother’s address instead of asking him, and he’s had the same address for like 8 years. This drives me bonkers! But I just tease her and make jokes because that’s how we deal with emotions in my family. It doesn’t solve the problem, but it does make my aunt sheepish when she asks and gives me the opportunity to line up some jokes. His birthday is next month so the countdown is on for her to request his address again!
Dont you realize she is asking you about your brothers address because one of the best parts of getting a card, gift, letter, invite, etc is it BEING A SURPRISE. I see this as a sign of respect, not something to be critical of or even joke about. Did you ever think perhaps in the past she sent a really nice gift that never got to your brother or returned?
So many people writing to advice columns — she wanted to join the parade. At least she seems to be a reasonably grounded person and not one of the many “my relationship is perfect except for ‘some truly horrendous thing which would be a deal-breaker to 99% of the people on this planet’, but whatever advice you give I am going to defend my partner until my fingers are raw, even if I have to change my story 3 times” writers.
LW, I am sure you not only receive but also send cards and gifts.
I suggest you annoy her right back with requests for her address every time you are sending something.
The older I get the more I realize, some people just will not be happy unless they have something idiotic and inconsequential to bitch and gripe about.
I’m this niece. I do this all the time. I’ve even thought how annoying it must be to be my aunt, grandfather, etc. That said, I have started actually putting them into my phone. I love gwyneth’s idea of the gift address book filled in.
🙂
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B014002KRG/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1466455522&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=kate+spade+address+book&dpPl=1&dpID=41o6mWyau3L&ref=plSrch
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00S5DIF1K/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?qid=1466455838&sr=8-2&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=pretty+address+book&dpPl=1&dpID=51ib8NBDZIL&ref=plSrch
Here are some cute ones. Some people just have blind spots. She’ll proabably realize it one day and feel embarrassed . (Or if you give her a book she *might* realize it right away, not a guarantee, but it wouldn’t least help her not ask you).
I get how this is annoying. My mom asks me repeatedly for my address. She asks, loses it (even though it’s technically still in our text conversations or Facebook messages) and then asks again. And that’s not for separate pieces of mail, but happens multiple times before each piece of mail is sent.
But it would be rude of you to chastise her for this, and I also don’t really see how getting a card in the mail really needs to be such a huge surprise. Unless you ask her to read the card to you before she sends it, then it’s still a surprise, right? Not to mention that if she asks you for your address enough for you to write in for advice, you probably can be pretty certain you’re going to get a card from her anyway. I’m sure it’s not using up that much of your time to tell her what it is.
I move a lot with my husband (and I did generally before I met him) so people are always asking for my address, including my parents. Unless they’re planning to send me a bill I’m happy to give it because nice mail is fun! I’m a bit sad the LW can’t see the silver lining here, lots of people would love to be receiving mail from their family.
well, at least this wasn’t about THANK YOU notes…
EDIT. Oh, wait! (See below…) It IS fucking about Thank You notes… How wonderfully tedious and boring, and old biddy-ish… 😉
OK, I actually have had this exact same thing happen to me with MY niece. I really could’ve written this letter. Frankly though, I think it’s hilarious while simultaneously I’m annoyed every time. But she is predictable! Here’s what I did. The last time she texted me asking for my address, I went up through our thread of texts, and took screen shots of the last few times she asked me for my address. She responded with an LOL and hasn’t asked me for it since. So I answered her question, AND I got my point across with humor. Win win.
From the LW:
Ok, so this is about more than your niece asking for your address over and over and ruining the surprise of getting a card in the mail. This is about your resenting that you do more for her than she does for you or even acknowledges that she does for you. So, I say stop sending her gifts. She’s a grown-up, right? It’s kind of unusual for a grown adult to get regular birthday and Christmas gifts from an aunt, anyway.
WWS. My Aunts maybe post on my facebook wall for my Birthday. Only some years do I get a holiday card and it is always arrives after I have sent them one. It doesn’t bother me. We are all adults, and I am grateful to not have to remember another adult’s Birthday beyond my immediate family. At least you get a text.
Thoughts on this:
1. Don’t give gifts for reciprocity, give them to give them. But if you don’t feel like the relationship is reciprocated the way you like, then it’s ok to stop giving gifts to a grown adult.
2. It seems weird to judge someone for not sending holiday cards until January. Isn’t there enough going on in December? Can’t you just be happy to receive one at all?
3. If I knew my aunt was constantly scrutinizing and judging me this way, I’d rather she stop sending me bday presents and I wouldn’t go out of my way to keep in touch.
I had an Aunt who gave me an address book for an 18th birthday present (I’m 30 now) and I still have it. She even put in everyone’s addresses to give me a jump start.
Send her an address book with several addresses in it already.
🙂 I got one from my au pair “mom”
It’s been great! I have a few addressed to input tonight and a few to update! It’s kind of cool to see peoples addresses change. 🙂
Some people really love giving gifts and cards and make that (kin keeping?) very important in their lives. Not everyone does. Its amazing to me that people can get so bent out of shape about this. It is always nice to get thanked, but that shouldn’t be why you give.
I also love the judgment about the late holiday cards. This LW sounds like my husband’s aunt, always keeping score on which family members do things the “right” way (aka, “her” way). Who has the brain space to worry about this stuff? Oh, and I am shocked, shocked that someone would rather go out and have fun with her friends than keep up-to-date on every correspondence with Aunt Mildred.
I can’t say for sure, but it seems so sexist, too. I have yet to see a letter about thank you cards or whatever about a man. It’s always the “woman’s job” to keep the post office in business.
I’ve also never seen a letter from a male LW (in ANY advice column anywhere) bitching about fucking Thank You notes… Seriously.
My guess would be that it’s at least partially due to sampling bias, as most LW’s are women. And I say this as someone who has seen older male family members complain about not getting a thank you card (or saw gifts/cards drop off in response to no thank you cards).
It seems like millennial “adults” do have this grandiose sense of entitlement. You sound like the kind of person that would quickly share your address if you moved so laziness is probably the problem. How about ignoring her to see if she gives her question some thought? I still keep an address book because these people are important to me.
How does “Asks for my address every time she wants to send something” equate to ‘Grandiose sense of entitlement’?
Also, is this just ‘Millennial “Adults”‘? Because my dad does this. It doesn’t actually bother me, because it’s a really silly minor thing to be bothered by. But he’s not a millennial.
If someone passive aggressively ignored me when I asked for their address, I would stop attempting to send them anything.
I recently moved so when I ordered address labels (for the occasional card or package I might send), I took a photo of one. That way when I get an email of Facebook message asking for my address, I just send them the photo. Easy peasy.
I’ve moved a lot so I don’t mind that folks ask but this is a simple solution for all.
the above should say “when I get an email OR Facebook message”…
I felt like this was a letter that I couldve written as this has happened to me several times & only from family between 20-35 and it is frustrating & hurtful. What I have learned is millenials are self centered and lazy. Heck, I never even got gifts from my aunt but if I had, I wouldve taken the time to write a thank you and kept the address in both my written and phone address book. Btw, I have those now for card sending. This behavior makes me think of the quote “dont swim across oceans for people who wont jump a puddle for you”. It is time we stop coddling what is a selfish behavior that should stop! This got so annoying last yr that I stopped responding to texts like this cause I had done it so many times & got tired of feeling like I had to help them just to get a thank you or christmas card. They will find the address IF you matter and if they cant take a few minutes to do that why even have much of a relationship? Heck, most addresses can be found online and facebook too but thats just too much trouble for these lazy blood suckers. Sorry but I am just so sick of people acting like selfish behavior is something we should all just accept. Not in our household, not anymore.
I had a niece that I use to have to hunt down her address for cause she moved so often so that I could send her gifts. Then it dawned on me, if I am so unimportant that she cant send me her new address why am I sending gifts? Few years back I quit sending gifts and she actualky seems to show me more respect.