Quickie: “AITA for Wanting Another Woman?”

It doesn’t sound like your relationship with your girlfriend is making either one of you happy. She seems to consistently look outside the relationship to have needs met and you, rather than talk to her about this very big issue, stick your head in the sand and pretend it’s not happening. Meanwhile, your needs aren’t being met either, and rather than discuss *that* with your girlfriend, you’re contemplating cheating on her and justifying your potential betrayal with the understanding that your girlfriend has been cheating on your for years. This is all so unhealthy and dysfunctional and not doing either one of you any good at all. Why don’t you just break up?!

I understand that you’re afraid that breaking up with your girlfriend, who is ten years older than you and “has some medical issues,” whatever that means, would be hurtful. But… cheating is hurtful too. What makes you draw the line at breaking up but not stepping out? Is it the fear of your girlfriend being homeless? Is she financially dependent on you in a way that leaving her would be logistically devastating? There are ways to address these concerns that allow you both to have the freedom it seems you both need and crave.

I urge you to communicate with your girlfriend. I wouldn’t mention your desire for this other woman, but you can frame your conversation around your concern that you two have drifted apart and no longer meet each other’s needs. Try to refrain from being accusatory and throwing assumptions in her face that you’ve never addressed before to justify hurting her now. This isn’t really about keeping score of who has hurt the other more or who has racked up the most betrayals; this is about a relationship that has run its course and two people who don’t seem to know how to humanely end it.

You can be kind and generous in a breakup; it’s possible. But the first step in a humane breakup is honest and open communication, so start there. Be honest about how you have felt, and be open about your fears in ending the relationship, including your concerns about your girlfriend’s long-term well-being. Give her a chance to express her fears and needs, and see how you two can work together to give this relationship a better and more loving ending than you’ve given to its lifespan.

Once you’ve broken up with your girlfriend, then by all means pursue the smoking hot woman if you still want to. But make sure your advances are wanted before you jump all in. Someone who “can’t control himself” around a beautiful woman is walking a fine line, and you don’t want to cross into creepy behavior or you’ll have much bigger problems than being in a dead-end relationship you’ve let go on too long.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.