“Am I Enabling My Mom’s Poor Health Choices?”
After watching her struggle with her knees for years and a lot of lecturing from me, she finally saw an orthopedic doctor and it was confirmed she needs knee replacement in both knees. She wants to wait till she moves to an apartment without stairs to do this. Due to some life circumstances, that could be years from now.
I have encouraged her to talk to her doctor about a GLP-1 since she is a prime candidate for it. But she refuses to even look into it. Her doctor has never mentioned it to her (I don’t believe he is a good doctor for a number of reasons).
I feel so frustrated and mad at her for not even considering the GLP-1 and for waiting to get her knees done. If she was able to lose weight, it would help her knees, her mobility and overall health. I am not sure how far to push her on this. If I hadn’t really pushed her to see ortho, she never would have known how bad her knees were. My dad is passive and won’t broach the subject with her either, but he knows even less than she does about health stuff. I care about my mom deeply and want to see her live her best life. She is choosing to limit herself and uses excuses like her age. She isn’t able to physically engage with her granddaughter and that makes me sad.
Do I continue to push or just let it go and accept she’s a grown adult who has to make her own choices? Am I enabling by not pushing? I just don’t know what is the most loving thing to do. – A Concerned and Disappointed Daughter
As hard as it is to do, you must accept that your mother is a grown adult and living life the way she wants. I know it feels counter-intuitive to watch a loved one suffer needlessly and not try to intervene. It’s hard when that suffering isn’t just limited to your loved one – it affects you, your daughter, your father, and the dynamics and relationships between and among all of you. To feel like you have no control in this situation that affects you so much is another level of frustration. I get it, and I would encourage you to focus on the parts you do have some control over and work on accepting the parts you cannot change.
You cannot control your mother’s health and mobility or her response to these things. No amount of encouragement, desperation, or even manipulation on your part is going to force your mother to do anything she doesn’t want to do. And she has to WANT to make the changes you wish she’d make. She has to want new knees and better mobility and the ability to physically engage with her granddaughter enough to make the effort and take on the risks of surgeries, medication, and physical therapy. None of these is an easy solution – they all require some kind of sacrifice work, and risk – and while the sacrifice may seem more than worth it to you, if they don’t to your mother, you can’t talk her into them.
The truth is that at 60, your mother may have many years left ahead of her and without intervention, those years likely include decreasing health and mobility. Her quality of life will continue to deteriorate. You can’t control that, but you CAN control your response to it. I would highly encourage you to work on coping strategies and boundary-setting. I would encourage you to mourn and grieve the wished-for future you are not going to enjoy with your mother. Grieve the loss of the kind of relationship your daughter won’t have with her grandmother that other kids will get to enjoy with theirs. The only way to the other side of these deep feelings is through them, so let yourself really process the grief (if therapy is an option, financially, this would be a good reason to seek it out).
On the other side of the grief is acceptance. No, the acceptance doesn’t mean you get to feel great about how things are. But it does mean your peace is protected. It means the energy you’ve spent fighting with your mother can be better spent on more fruitful ventures that don’t lead to so much frustration, sadness, and disappointment. In this stage of acceptance, you can enjoy all the things in your life that don’t frustrate you and make you sad and it’s those gifts – all the little and big moments, the relationships and love, the accomplishments and thrills – that will buoy you above the stuff that might otherwise weigh you down. While you can’t force your mother to live the life you think would be better for her, you can absolutely take charge of your own and do everything possible to prioritize your own well-being. Accepting your limits in regard to your mother’s life is part of that.
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Probably the best response I’ve seen in this column. Really well done, I felt every word was great advice. Good luck to OP.
Is your mother expecting you to take care of her and do things that IF she had better health she could do for herself? Are you willing to be the caretaker because she doesn’t take care of herself? If you are doing all this, and it’s great to help someone, maybe step back a bit and let her know you aren’t able now or in the future to be the caretaker she may need.
Unfortunately it will be OP’s problem if her mother can’t take care of herself in old age. If mom wont listen to reason, better to distance yourself now. I know from experience!
Wendy’s answer about boundaries and expectations is spot on, but to allude that the mother is being irresponsible by refusing to consider a weight loss drug with severe side effects that she may never be able to stop taking is a big blind spot. Weight loss drugs are not for everyone and refusing to consider them is not a sign, by itself, of an unwillingness to want to change one’s lifestyle or health for the better.
What I wrote was: “She has to want […] and the ability to physically engage with her granddaughter enough to make the effort and take on the risks of surgeries, medication, and physical therapy. None of these is an easy solution – they all require some kind of sacrifice work, and risk – and while the sacrifice may seem more than worth it to you, if they don’t to your mother, you can’t talk her into them.” I acknowledged risk and in no way alluded that avoiding risk is irresponsible. But when NO steps are taken in lieu of – or in addition to – weight loss drugs to improve mobility and health, then I think that does indicate a lack on interest in changing one’s lifestyle.