“Am I Stupid For Dating My Ex-Boyfriend?”
About a year and a half passed, life was fun as I focused on school and friends and terrible hook-ups, and then we saw each other at a spring football showcase before the season started. We became friends and slowly inched into dating again. And now, a lot of things have changed. He’s transferring out of his grad school and wants to follow me to my internship, and we both have been talking very in-depth about longer-term goals (like marriage, jobs, etc.) for the both of us. We initially thought we were too young (we still think we are) to discuss things seriously like that before. I can say with full confidence that I haven’t been this happy and openly communicative in a relationship ever before!
The problem is, I can’t seem to convince my family and close friends that it’s OK for us to date. (…Is it?). Even Google says not to date an ex. I made the mistake earlier of overindulging them with a lot of the nitty-gritty, petty things of our relationship when I was younger, so I get their bias. My family is very overbearing. They like to tell me what to do and what choices to make, and they get very disappointed and angry if I don’t follow them. With them like this, I’m not sure my happiness is truly worth it.
My ex and I have discussed why we broke up twice, whether it will happen again, what will we do if it doesn’t work out, and whether we are really willing to try this again despite the risks. And we decided that we are. If it ends up being a mistake, that’s OK; the world won’t end.
But with everyone — including Google — saying dating an ex is an absolute no, I can’t help but feel hesitant. I feel fine around new people who don’t know we’ve dated before, because we just look like a normal couple. But to my family and a couple of friends, it usually comes back to “What are you, stupid?”
So, how stupid am I for dating an ex? For some reason, I feel like I have to have some kind of validation to stand up for myself and my (stupid) choice to re-date my ex. — Ex Effect
You know what, if your family’s opinion weighs so much that the thought of disappointing them has you wondering whether your own happiness is “worth it,” I’d say your problem isn’t your relationship with your boyfriend; it’s your relationship with your family. And considering you’re also concerned about your friends’ opinion, as well as what Google, of all things, says about your personal life, it’s safe to say that your self-esteem is probably pretty rocky, too, and you don’t have much confidence in your own decision-making.
Since you’re 22 years old, in a new relationship with an old boyfriend, with graduation — not to mention the rest of your life — just two short semesters away, I hope you’ll take this opportunity to dive head-first into adulthood and quit worrying so much about being “stupid.” This is the age when you’re allowed to be a little stupid. And it’s certainly an age when you’re allowed to take some relationship and career risks. Because everything at 22 is a risk. When you’re just starting out in life and you don’t have anything figured out and everything is a great big question mark — from what kind of job you’ll land when you’re out of school to when and with whom you’ll settle down — every move feels like a risk. And it’s so important to give yourself permission to make some mistakes. Making mistakes is how you learn — not just what’s “right,” but what’s right for you.
You might learn that your old/new boyfriend is right for you. Maybe he’ll be the guy you’re meant to be with forever. Or maybe you’re just meant to be with him for a little while, but it’s that little while that you’re together that you learn what qualities you love in a partner and what qualities aren’t such a good match. And maybe it will be the lessons you take from this relationship that propel you into the life you’re meant to live, and if you listened to your family and your friends and Google, you’d miss out on this relationship and its lessons and all of its potential.
Above all else, you should really be listening to your gut. If it’s saying this guy is the right person for you right now, then listen to that. And if, deep down, you have a nagging feeling, echoed by your family and friends, that your boyfriend is better left in the past, listen to that. Maybe there’s a real reason all these people are warning you not to get involved with him again. Maybe there’s a real reason you’re turning to Google and to an internet advice columnist to validate a decision you’re having trouble owning. But if the reason is simply because you’ve been conditioned to believe you’re stupid, let that go (get some counseling if you need help letting it go) and give yourself permission to be an adult, even if it means making mistakes sometimes.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I don’t know about the rest of it, but who gives a fuck what Google says.
LW, Wendy is dead on. You are just dating this guy. Sure, you are talking about the future, but seriously, you aren’t making any huge life changes. Next time your family says something, just say, “we are happy now and aren’t planning anything drastic so don’t worry. ” Don’t get engaged until you both are out of school, employed, and stable. Also, make sure your birth control is rock solid. Then stop worrying and tell your family to butt out. I think you are stressed because you are looking to the way future. Stop that and just look to the next few months and stop worrying.
Who cares what anyone else says about it? Just do what you want, and if it’s a mistake, so be it. Even older people make dating mistakes, so you certainly shouldn’t expect to be above that at 22.
This made me smile, because it’s so, so true…
“Even older people make dating mistakes, so you certainly shouldn’t expect to be above that at 22.”
I agree with Wendy. What you have to realize is that everyone’s situation is different, and an internet search engine can’t tell you how to live your life. I mean, you and your boyfriend broke up because of timing and distance, right? That’s not really the kind of thing that “don’t date an ex” is referring to. It’s about people going back to partners whom they broke up with for more problematic reasons, like someone cheated or somebody was an asshole or they weren’t compatible. And even then, it’s not Google’s place to make that decision for them.
Either way, it’s your decision, and yours only. Having an opinion doesn’t automatically make your friends and family wise, it just means they have a big mouth that they can’t shut.
WLS- “Having an opinion doesn’t automatically make your friends and family wise, it just means they have a big mouth that they can’t shut.” BOOM!
WWS. A probably irrelevant personal story (but perhaps it can help contradict all-knowing “google”?). I am married to and have a child with “an ex.” The time apart was important; we are extremely happy. People did not think we should get back together, with time they came around.
Yes, date your boyfriend and don’t think twice about it. It sounds likes you broke up for logistical reasons, and now that those are all moot, why not try again? You’re clearly aware of all the pros and cons and are willing to try, so don’t let Google or your crappy family talk you out of it.
But (like Wendy said) your ex isn’t the problem here. Your family dynamic sounds extremely damaging and unhealthy. You should look into therapy (see if it’s offered through your school, most college have at least some kind of counseling free for students) to help you break out of the patterns of control. It’s not healthy or normal for them to make you feel suicidal for disagreeing with them. If you continue to allow them to treat you this way, then it will spill into the rest of your relationships and poison them. You seem like a smart person, so don’t let the love you have for your family blind you to how messed up it is for them to treat you as less than human. You are an adult, and you’re allowed to make your own decisions and live your life as you see fit, whether they agree with those choices of not. If they truly, honestly love you, then they’ll eventually come around and you can work to repair the relationship with them. But right now, they don’t see you as a person, they see you as an object they can control. I know it will be difficult, but this time you can choose to step out of their control and become your own, whole person, or you can continue to make excuses for their behavior and let them make you miserable for not doing what they want. The choice isn’t an easy one, but it’s your choice to make. Don’t let them convince you otherwise.
That’s not really the kind of thing that “don’t date an ex” is referring to.
Exactly. There’s a difference between breaking up with your ex because of personality issues and breaking up with an ex because you weren’t in the same place in life.
To me, I think the test as to whether or not you should date someone is this: given every detail you know about him or her from the past and the present, do you still want to be with him or her? It’s perfectly fine to factor in details you learned about him before, and people can change and grow as years pass and become the person you want to be with when they weren’t before. But unless you’re not telling us something about him that sends up red flags (which, come on, NEVER happens here 🙂 ), it seems like the only reason he’s your “ex” is because of distance, not because of who he is or how he treated you. And if that’s the case, and he’s here now, and you’re ready now, and you have chemistry, why shouldn’t you date him?
My grandparents met when he was 15 and she was 14. They dated for 2 or 3 years, then broke up when he got drafted to serve in the Korean War. He came back, went to a party, saw her across the room, and knew right then she was his soul mate. And they’ve been married for almost 60 years now. If he had decided not to date her because he was her ex, he’d have missed out on the true love of his life, and that would have been the bigger tragedy. Maybe you’re going to be like my grandparents, and maybe you’re not, but you’ll never know unless you take that first step.
You’re 22 years old, now is the time to start thinking about what YOU want. Show me a person who didn’t make a few mistakes in their 20’s and I’ll show you someone who hasn’t lived. Try not to let what your family or friends think matter, if you’re happy and having a great relationship then that’s all that matters. Please don’t worry so much.
Please let this be a lesson that airing your dirty laundry to family is never a good idea.
LW I think this paragraph sums it up perfectly (apart from Wendy’s advice of course): “My ex and I have discussed why we broke up twice, whether it will happen again, what will we do if it doesn’t work out, and whether we are really willing to try this again despite the risks. And we decided that we are. If it ends up being a mistake, that’s OK; the world won’t end”
You don’t need to justify your relationship to anybody. Lots of people get back with their exes, it could be that the timing or locations were just wrong before. While its true that some people shouldn’t get back with an ex (eg abusive relationship, not happy, etc), you gave no indication that your boyfriend is a bad person and he even makes you happy….don’t give that up….if your family loves you they will respect your choices (you are an adult now!)
Forget about whether to date your ex or not; start learning how to build healthy boundaries with your overbearing, hypercritical family. It doesn’t matter whether they’re coming from a place of care and concern; their overinvolvement in and denigration of your minor life choices (and yes, despite its seeming momentousness, who you date at 22 is a minor life choice) is unacceptable. If your friends treat you the same way your family does, it’s probably time for some new friends, too.
Also, stop asking Google for advice, other than driving directions.
When you realize that the only opinion that matters here is yours and your boyfriend’s – not your family, not your friends, not Google(?) – then you’ll be old enough to be discussing marriage and your future.
You don’t need ‘validation’ from anybody. If it works for you and your boyfriend, it’s a good thing, and you keep seeing each other. That’s all there is to it.
Google is just a program that finds web sites that match what you type in the little search box. It’s not a fortune teller. It doesn’t ‘say’ anything.
LW, in this case, your happiness is absolutely worth not doing what your family wants you to do. (Or, I guess, doing what they don’t want you to do.) If your ex makes you happy, at least for now, and you’re not hurting anyone, go for it! And, if your family doesn’t like it, that’s just too bad for them. Their happiness that you live your life how they demand is NOT more important than your happiness in doing whatever it is that makes you happy. And, truthfully, whatever their “disappointment and anger” at you acting like an independent adult, I’m sure they’ll survive it just fine. Until they get over it, if they start in on you, just avoid them. You can’t control them and prevent them from acting overbearing, but you can control whether you listen to them, engage in the conversation and let them run your life. Boundaries, LW. You need to set them. This seems like an excellent place to start.
This sounds like a healthy relationship to me. What a change from what we ususally get! You broke up for good and valid reasons: your life goals didn’t match. You discussed it and learned from it. And now that things seem to be lining up better, you want to give it another try. I see nothing wrong with this. Google is the source of much wisdom, but I wouldn’t take love advice from it. 🙂 It’s your life. Go with your gut. Whatever happens, you will at least learn something from it and know yourself better and that’s invaluable.
Spot on, Wendy. But LW, don’t get too engrossed in this relationship and the possibility of marriage. Live, have fun, be casual, and get to know you. Because now is the time, and you really can’t know whether this boyfriend is right for you until you know yourself.
WWS. It sounds like there’s no red flags in your relationship, merely circumstances of life that separated you and your boyfriend before. Part of the whole college experience for me was learning to listen to my gut, and stride forth confidently in my “stupid” decisions. I gained some awesome stories and great life experiences as a result. You don’t want to miss out!
If your family doesn’t have any legitimate concerns about your boyfriend, then the only opinions that matters here are those who are in the relationship.
aw, LW, im so sorry you have a shitty family. wendy is right, your family is your issue, not your boyfriend. honestly, it sounds like this third round of your relationship has just as good of a chance as anyone’s relationship does- you are communicating openly and honestly, being realistic, making plans for the future- i think youve got a good shot.
now, about your family- they have FAILED you. and continue to fail you, actually. your parents, specifically. as a parent, your one and only job is to raise an adult who can thrive in our world. thats it. thats the only job. your parents, and by extension your family, by raising you to question every decision you make, have failed you. your parents, and by extention, your family, continue to fail you by not transitioning from a parent-child relationship to an adult child-parent relationship. which much more looks like a friendship, or a mentor-mentee relationship. if you cannot transition into that last phase of being a parent, you have failed, by the simple fact that you havent finished. so, im sorry, LW, that your family sucks in general and that they failed you as a child and that they continue to fail you as an adult. i really hope that you will be able to become an adult that thrives- but unfortunately you are going to have to do that yourself.
The only red flag here is your family…and how much control they have over you. It’s unhealthy. There needs to be boundaries. They get mad when you as an adult make decisions that they wouldn’t? SO WHAT. They need to get over it and stop being so damn controlling, And you need to stop being so dependent on them…doesn’t bode well for this relationship or future ones if you let yourself be swayed by their bad behavior.
So, the problem is either the relationship your family or the relationship with your boyfriend. Which one makes you happy? Which one doesn’t try to control who you see? I guess it could be both, really…but you sound generally very happy in your relationship. You sound very unhappy with regards to your family.
This is the age you not only get to make some mistakes, but you get to start deciding how you get treated. That’s yours to control anyway, but your an adult in most ways and soon to be an adult in all ways, so you gotta start acting like it!!! When your family starts in on you again, tell them, “You have made your opinion on the matter *very* clear. If I haven’t made mine clear, it’s that I am happy right now and am the only one who gets to decide who I date. This same conversation does nothing to improve our relationship, so please let’s drop it.” Then change the subject. If it refuses to change, leave. Leave the room, insist you have an errand you forgot about and leave the house, refuse to have that conversation again. They can’t have it without you.
Being confident in your choices, yourself and how you live your life will make hearing criticism from your family easier. It’s hard to hear your family be pushy and critical but you have to let it roll off you. My mom is a similar way. I love her but I end up crying almost every time I visit.
Don’t let them have power over you, take control of your life. You only have one! You are allowed to make mistakes, to take risks. If the start to criticize then walk away/ hang up. Don’t engage or argue with them. Any attention you give their bad behaviour is going to fuel it.
I don’t see any problems with dating your ex. It makes a huge difference why you broke up– if it was over infidelity or violence or any of the million and three ways that human beings just. don’t. fit. Then that’s one thing. But seriously, you broke up over logistical issues. There wasn’t anything huge that someone needed to change or adjust or make over in themselves other than, you know, living someplace reasonably close. I married a man I broke up with due to logistical issues. It wasn’t a bad idea, we’re a good fit when we live in the same city.
Like everyone has said, your big, glaring issue is that your family is meddlesome and controlling. I get that. I have a controlling mother. It can really screw up your self esteem and your confidence in your own ability to make choices that aren’t their choices. The biggest gift you can give yourself right now in this moment is to get into a therapist’s office to start unravelling that mess. It can be incredibly deep seated and can seep into all the areas of your life. You deserve to not live the life someone else wants for you, but to live a life that truly and authentically makes you happy.
Please build yourself up. There’s so much sadness and insecurity in your words. No matter what you choose with your boyfriend; it sounds like you’ve been thoughtful and discussing amongst yourselves. But also among everyone else which leads to too many cooks in the kitchen (including Google). Learn to trust yourself and your instincts through therapy and self-help methods.
Even if you don’t end up together “forever” doesn’t mean that getting back together was a “failure” or a “mistake.” You’re young, just live and learn. I’ve gotten back together with 2 different exes, and even though we ended up breaking up, I don’t regret it because I was happy while it lasted and I learned important relationship lessons.
Exactly WWS! As long as you can see what broke you up the first time and the reasons for it are addressed and mitigated, date him! If you’re happy, you’re happy.
And your family may be doing it out of a place of love, but being so overbearing you feel suicidal? That’s crossed the line out of love. As much as your family may love you, they have to love you despite or because of your choices as well, because your choices are a part of you. I think therapy to help you feel less marginalized and build back up your self esteem may be a great idea if you’re willing to try it!
Stop worrying about what your family and friends think, and date your ex and see where it goes. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll be fine. If it does work out, guess what? You’ll be fine! Good luck LW.
After a breakup, I tell myself they are an ex for a reason. For whatever reason, that relationship didn’t work. It helps me to get closure and to move on. You and your ex broke up for a reason — what exactly was that reason?
Wendy is right in the fact that your gut is right 99.9% of the time. Ask yourself if you are truly happy with him. That will help you find the right answer in this situation.
Don’t listen to Google. Google has told me on many occasions that I have terminal illnesses. 😉 In all seriousness, though, trust your gut. Since you and your boyfriend never broke up because of, say, inherent and insurmountable personality differences or because you argued non-stop, the blanket “don’t date your ex” rule doesn’t really apply. Try to stop assuming you’ve already made a mistake, enjoy the relationship for what it is, and see what happens.
Woah, you sound a lot like me. Are you my long lost sister?! I have the same issues with being torn with pleasing and keeping the peace with my family, and finding peace with my own decisions. (You can find a lot of helpful advice from these wonderful people in my thread in the forum!! Maybe it will help.) I don’t have any constructive advice besides keep your head up and don’t take advice from too many sources. (At least, for me, that’s the case.) like google. Too many opinions can overwhelm and confuse you. Stick to your gut and confidantes, if you have any you trust have your best interest. Good luck!
I like Wendy’s point here, which is that dating an ex is not the issue but not trusting your own decision making process is. Saying “you shouldn’t care what your friends/family think” is way different than actually being able to do that. How do you make other choices in your life? For your major, future career, living situation, and friendships? Do you feel confident in making decisions outside of the “who should I date” ones? Maybe your lack of confidence is coming from you making the same decision (choosing your ex) multiple times only to find out later that your choice wasn’t a permanent one. Really think about why you want to “redate” this person. If you have good reasons, do it. And if it doesn’t work out, that’s okay. You can still look back and say you made the right decision for you at that moment in time.
Sometimes I think it is healthy not to commit too soon to a relationship when you are young and in high school. You both had to go through the crucible of high school, going off to college, etc. so it is good that you had your freedom to explore other relationships, etc. If you two still like each other, and get along well and that after a lot of exploration of other relationships, you want to explore your relationship further to see if it can go the distance now that you are a bit older and hopefully more mature, I say go for it!
1) Stop listening to Google. Until Google jumps into the dating pool, Google has no relevance.
2) Please seek out some therapy to work on why you feel so compelled to please your family and friends, to the point of feeling suicidal if you don’t somehow measure up to what you think they want.
3) I think that if you want to start dating your ex again, that is YOUR CHOICE. At 22, there is nothing inherently wrong with going back for second, or thirds, of a flame that had no abuse. That’s the key – no abuse. If this guy didn’t abuse you, the two of you are compatible, and your goals line up, why not retry. You never know, you two might make it.
Just keep repeating: This is my life and my decision. Nobody can live my life for me, therefore I must live it for myself. I may make mistakes, but they are mine to deal with, as they come along. I am strong, I am smart, and I CAN make decisions that are best for me.
You can make the best decision for yourself.
I think it’s a bad idea to date your ex if you broke up for reasons that generally won’t change – different values, he’s an asshole, you like to travel and he doesn’t, etc. But if you broke up for something situational – you were young and not ready, you were in different parts of the country, or whatever – then I think it’s totally fine to give it another shot once the situational issues have resolved themselves. Go for it!
“you’re also concerned about your friends’ opinion, as well as what Google, of all things, says about your personal life, it’s safe to say that your self-esteem is probably pretty rocky, too, and you don’t have much confidence in your own decision-making.”
This was the advice I sorely needed for myself today…thanks Wendy.
As for the LW, you need to quiet down every other outside voice and listen to what your intuition is telling you. Don’t let other people bombard you with what they think you need or want – most of them have the best of intentions but they aren’t living YOUR life – YOU are. So take some time out of everything else to listen to what you really want and need, so you have the confidence to make that decision and stick to it.
100% what Wendy said. As long as he treats you nicely and isn’t putting you down or dragging you down in any way, isn’t cheating or taking advantage of you in some way, if you want to be with him, then be with him.