“Am I Wrong to Enjoy Attention from My Ex?”
I’ve been thinking of my first love from when I was 17, who lives in my home country and with whom I have kept friendly casual contact since our two-year relationship ended. I am lucky to travel back to my country a few times a year for business, and I usually meet up with him one-on-one for a drink or a meal at a restaurant, as I also do with other friends. I can see that he is still attracted to me, which is an ego-boost for me, I am ashamed to say. I am not physically attracted to him, which he knows, but over the past few months, we have confessed our deep connection to one another and the frequency of our chats has intensified. In our chats, we have discussed our sexual past, our fantasies, and our current sex lives.
I would not want my husband to find out about this, but at the same time, should he ever see the exchanges, I am confident it wouldn’t be cause for a break-up. I am not talking of cheating or anything, just opening my mind and heart – which I do with my husband as well. But I enjoy doing this with someone I share the same language and culture with, if that makes sense. I find that it enables me to know myself better. I will admit that sometimes my ex and I are so engrossed in conversations that I will spend one to two hours texting him in the evening rather than spending this time with my husband – but my husband usually does his own thing anyway, and it’s not every night. If anything, this makes me closer to my husband and makes me love him even more – and I will add I am really physically attracted to my husband.
I guess my questions are: Do I have the right to my own secret garden? Is it too risky that it could slowly become something else or harm my relationship with my husband over time? Am I simply enjoying this extra male attention? Am I in a mid-life crisis? Is there something wrong with me? I will take any advice outside those questions as well. — Enjoying the Attention
I think you already know the answers to the questions you are explicitly asking here. Of course, you have a “right” to have secrets. But that right to privacy doesn’t entitle you to protection from the consequences of your secret and your accompanying behavior. Those consequences include hurt feelings among all the adults (and potentially your kids) as well as the very real possibility of blowing up your marriage and your life. You know that. You know your behavior carries extraordinary risk. So, the bigger question then is WHY are you engaging in this behavior. Why are you keeping this secret?
You ask whether you simply enjoy the attention or whether this is a midlife crisis, and as much as I resist that label, it probably serves as a quick shortcut descriptor for the malaise that is especially common in middle age. At 47, I’m middle-aged too, and I understand this pull to romanticize youth and to feel restless in the present. I think a lot of us who find ourselves with many of the dreams we had when we were younger now realized – at least partially, if not fully – can appreciate the sense that… well, maybe there’s something missing because… is this really it? Shouldn’t I feel something more than this if I have so much of what I once dreamed of?
You find yourself maybe 20-30 years into adulthood, with another 30+ still to go, and even if you are among the lucky ones who enjoys fulfillment in many areas of her life, it can feel stifling – maybe even oppressive – to imagine just more of the same for decades to come. It can be tempting to rock the boat, to seek out excitement, to wonder about – if not actively seek out – the paths you didn’t take earlier in your life. I would urge you to find other sources of stimulation than carrying on an emotional affair with an ex-boyfriend that so greatly risks the stability and happiness you have in your marriage and family.
I appreciate that there are benefits to connecting with someone with whom you share a native language and culture. This makes sense, and you should absolutely enjoy those connections with family members and true platonic friends, but not in an ex whose feelings go beyond just friendly. It’s playing with fire.
You know you like the ego-boost and the attention. You know you like the little dopamine hits you get when you’re communicating with each other for hours or when you see each other in person and your ex flirts with you. You know that you have a desire to “know yourself better,” and you seem to desire a stronger connection with your husband. You can explore these things with a good therapist (and I would recommend doing just that!).
Talking with a therapist is a much healthier way to learn about yourself than secretly texting an ex in another country for hours. It’s less risky and carries far more promise for self-expansion. If it’s the risk itself that’s so exciting and tempting to you, you can explore other risk-taking opportunities that don’t have the same potential of blowing up your marriage and family.
The bottom line is that what you are feeling is normal, but the way you’re behaving isn’t a healthy response to your feelings. The risk-to-benefit ratio in your emotional affair is so far out of balance that it demands an immediate change. I hope you’ll take heed and end your friendship with your ex before it causes more harm than simple confusion.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Wendy nailed it. You’re bored, and desperately scratching for something and this is not a good place to try to find some fun. What are you distracting yourself from?
“I would not want my husband to find out about this, but at the same time, should he ever see the exchanges, I am confident it wouldn’t be cause for a break-up. I am not talking of cheating or anything, just opening my mind and heart – which I do with my husband as well. But I enjoy doing this with someone I share the same language and culture with, if that makes sense. I find that it enables me to know myself better. I will admit that sometimes, my ex and I are so engrossed in conversations, I will spend one to two hours texting him in the evening rather than spending this time with my husband”
This is already affecting your relationship. If you need your home country, call your mom or a friend or something. Do not call this guy. That’s such bullshit that this is why you sext with him. You miss France, so you have to text Pierre about the sexual fantasies you’re having? Humorous, but doesn’t really make any sense at all. I highly doubt your husband would just be totally fine with hearing what your wrote. You’re sexting another man for hours every night. That is cheating.
Sharing your sexual fantasies, your sexual past and discussing your sex life with him are all totally inappropriate conversations in my mind. That’s stuff you take to your husband. You are going outside of your relationship for sexual gratification and attention, and the sad thing is you say you’re not even attracted to this guy.
Block his number, stop seeing him, stop sharing your sexual “secret garden” with other people- if you want an open marriage, you need to discuss it with your husband. Yeah, people are allowed secrets. I don’t think anyone’s husband would so easily forgive this. I think you should either tell him what you’ve been doing with your special friend or stop it entirely right now.
I would be devastated to find my husband sexting an old girlfriend for TWO HOURS at night instead of spending time with me or our family.
My husband had an emotional affair & it ruined our marriage so I highly suggest you stop meeting up with your friend.
Amen! Shes still committing adultery according to The Bible! An emotional affair is the same as a physical one!
From the LW:
“I just read your answer today, and I wanted to thank you for your wise words.
I usually pride myself for my insightful take on situations, but obviously the judgement is very cloudy and harder to make when it is about my own life and, obvisously my own bad choices which my brain wants to rationalize. I really appreciated how you took the time to spell it out for me, while not making me feel like I was the worst person.
The two things that stood out for me are “that right to privacy doesn’t entitle you to protection from the consequences of your secret and your accompanying behavior” – it really resonates with me. Of course I am free to do as I please and what feels right/good for me, but there are consequences to that, consequences to others. I am not ok with those consequences, therefore I have my answer on what to do next.
And “what you feel is normal but the way you are behaving isn’t a healthy response to your feelings” – again, how did I not see it before? In a way, I am relieved to be validated in my feelings and not just painted as an overall villain. And you explained it to me very well, and I now understand I chose the wrong outlet for those feelings. I chose an easy path that was presented to me with little to no efforts. I will dig deeper for some other ways to seek attention, spotlight and thrill (which seems so shallow of me to want that, but I do not want to shame myself. If that is what I need, let’s find a healthy way for it). I already have a few ideas to explore inluding starting again the sports I used to do in my younger years!
After reading your response, I also realized I have now been in my current job for almost 2 years – it was a huge accomplishment for my career progression when I got that job and it’s where I have always wanted to be. It was such a thrill to prepare for that leap, the process to get the job and to learn how to do it well. It was challenging at first but I am starting to be much more comfortable now. I know that for my next career move/thrill, I need at least another 3-4 years of learning the ropes in my current role, which I am totally fine with and I enjoy what I do.. but obviously, I have been trying to figure out where to find my next thrill in the meantime, and I have been looking in the totally wrong direction. thanks to you I can recognize the reasons why I swayed which makes it easier for me to rectify it. Didn’t realize I was such a thrill-seeker before.
Just so you know how much you Wendy can make a difference in people’s lives (and in saving a happy marriage) I am happy to say I have already ended it with my ex without giving him a chance to change my mind (I will wait a few years and I will give him some explanations at some point, I feel like I owe it to him, but not now), I will look into therapy and explore new ways to take care of my “midlife crisis”.
Again, thank you, you were the impartial voice I needed to hear.”
I really implore you to tell your husband the truth. If your relationship isn’t built on honesty, what is it built on? Secret thrills and hidden relationships. He has a right to know and I think you should both go into couples counseling, you definitely should be talking to someone. He wouldn’t care, right?
No. An emotional affair isn’t good, but it’s neither the same nor as bad as a physical affair. And… society has changed vastly in the thousands of years since the bible was written. For one very big thing, women have far more autonomy and rights than back in that day. Not that this applies directly to the issue of emotional affairs, but it is a reason why much of biblical morality doesn’t fully/directly apply today.
Two things stick out to me.
1. “I would not want my husband to find out about this, but at the same time, should he ever see the exchanges, I am confident it wouldn’t be cause for a break-up.”
In other words, you know your behavior is wrong and hurtful, even if it would not amount to cheating by every definition, but because you believe there wouldn’t be life-altering consequences for you, you continue to engage with your ex.
2. “I have already ended it with my ex without giving him a chance to change my mind (I will wait a few years and I will give him some explanations at some point, I feel like I owe it to him, but not now)”
You’re already planning to reach back out to your ex in the future (to revisit this circumstance, no less). Why? I understand that you have remained amicable and that’d be great… if you hadn’t gone down this path.
Therapy.
“Of course, you have a “right” to have secrets. But that right to privacy doesn’t entitle you to protection from the consequences of your secret and your accompanying behavior.”
This is brilliant, Wendy!