Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Did I MOA Too Soon?”

For the past couple of months, I have been flirting with a co-worker who was very shy at first, but took an interest in my hobbies, complimented me every day, gave me pet names, and generally seemed very interested. After a month and a half, he finally asked me for my number and I kind of “helped him along” by asking when he could hang out. I was so excited about our date, but he canceled last minute for a legitimate reason and asked if we could reschedule. Even though he stopped by my office to flirt and chat the next week, he never rescheduled but asked what I was doing that weekend and seemed upset and walked away when I said that I was spending time with a male friend. When I told him my friend was gay, he perked up and kept the conversation going, and I told him to call me if he wanted to hang out and he said he would.

Well, he never called or texted to say that he wouldn’t be available, but first thing Monday morning he asks if I was feeling better (I had been sick the week before), told me I looked nice, and apologized for not calling because he (being the nice guy) ended up helping a friend move. I gave him the cold shoulder. I am so confused about the inconsistency between his flirtatious interest and his non-committal attitude toward getting to know me more that I deleted his number, defriended him on Facebook, and haven’t been speaking to him. He looks very sad when I see him, but I feel like I may have read him wrong this whole time and am afraid that he’s only been nice because he doesn’t know how to say no to me. Did I give up too soon or should I just MOA? — Office Crush(ed)

Yikes, sister. This poor guy sounds shy and inexperienced at best, and at worst, a little like that P-word some people can’t seem to handle me using. And while all that is annoying, I’m not sure it warranted a cold shoulder, the silent treatment, and instant defriending on Facebook. Yes, he should have re-scheduled with you as soon as or shortly after he canceled your date. And, yes, he should have come out and asked for the date in the first place instead of letting you suggest “hanging out.” And, yes, he probably should have called you over the weekend since you asked him to call if he was free. But, in his defense on that one, it would seem he, in fact, wasn’t free and that’s why he didn’t call. It seems a little unfair to be angry at the guy for that, don’t you think?

You asked whether you gave up too soon, but I think the better question for you to ask is: “Did I over-react and am I behaving kind of immature and snotty?” The answer to that, in case you’re wondering, would be: yes, you kind of are. As for your real question, it all depends. If you want a guy who’s got some balls and is willing to take charge, then, no, you didn’t give up too soon as this guy obviously isn’t that man. But if what’s more important to you is to have a kind man who would treat you well and be a good boyfriend, it would seem you were too impatient to find out if this guy would have fit the bill.

If you’re feeling regretful about your actions, an easy way to rectify the situation is to be nice to him again and communicate like a grown-up. Maybe pull him aside some time and tell him your feelings were hurt when it felt like he blew you off, but if you read his signals wrong and he’d like to get together after all, you’d like that, but he needs to figure out when and where and not leave you hanging this time. His reply should give you a definitive answer to whether you moved on too quickly or not…

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

82 comments… add one
  • Elizabeth April 19, 2011, 3:05 pm

    *sigh* oh Wendy, you always make my afternoons at work so much better.

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  • sarolabelle April 19, 2011, 3:06 pm

    On Monday you should have said:

    “Look, I like you. I’d like to get to know you more by dating you. If you don’t want the same then I suggest you stop flirting with me. Otherwise, I’ll call HR”

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    • sarolabelle April 19, 2011, 3:35 pm

      purple thumbs?! People, it was supposed to be funny!

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      • cmarie April 19, 2011, 3:38 pm

        I got it 😀

      • TheOtherMe April 19, 2011, 3:41 pm

        it was 🙂

      • TMSC April 19, 2011, 4:13 pm

        I thought it was too. I kind of pictured her saying it in a funny, flirty way to the coworker. Was surprised to see thumbs down!

      • Teresa April 19, 2011, 4:38 pm

        I think *sometimes* humor can be lost in words when tere is no body language behind it…

      • SpyGlassez April 19, 2011, 5:38 pm

        THAT’s why websites need to come with a default sarcasm font. 😀

      • Elizabeth April 19, 2011, 11:56 pm

        I think someone is going crazy happy with the purple thumbs.

      • Elizabeth April 20, 2011, 4:24 pm


  • cat-i-z April 19, 2011, 3:12 pm

    LW I do think your actions were a bit rash. I agree with Wendy, just talk to him like a grown up about how you feel and figure out how he feels.

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  • Heather April 19, 2011, 3:14 pm

    Agree with Wendy’s advice. Exactly what she said-if you’re looking for someone who’s very apt at taking charge, then this guy isn’t it. But if you genuinely like him, then this doesn’t seem like a situation that can’t be rectified with a simple conversation in a nice way. If you explain to him exactly why you may have been a little frustrated, and he is the polite guy you make him out to be, then that would hopefully end the misunderstanding.

    From what it seems, he just isn’t skilled at the dating game. So, if you’re willing to help push him in the right direction, then I say go for it. All I can add is that you might have to be patient with it. But it could very well pay off.

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  • Jessicaxmx April 19, 2011, 3:16 pm

    This is exactly why I hate the dating process. “Omg. He didn’t text me, should I maybe initiate a conversation?” “He gave me pet names, that’s a good sign right?” “Maybe defriending him on Facebook will get my point across.” blah.

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    • HmC April 19, 2011, 4:53 pm

      Notice how these are all things we say to our own damn selves to drive *ourselves* crazy?! Most of the horror of dating, as with anything, comes from right inside our own heads. Chillax everyone! You know *he* is.

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      • delilahgem April 19, 2011, 10:50 pm

        ain’t that the mother-effin’ truth

  • Rachel April 19, 2011, 3:30 pm

    Wendy –

    “If you want a guy who’s got some balls and is willing to take charge, then, no, you did give up too soon as this guy obviously isn’t that man.”

    should be “no you didn’t”

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    • Rachel April 19, 2011, 3:49 pm

      Why the thumbs down?

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      • sarolabelle April 19, 2011, 4:16 pm

        I think we have people that come to this site just to thumbs down all the posts….

      • Heather April 19, 2011, 4:39 pm

        Agreed…I understand if you don’t agree. But there are some pretty regular, completely rational responses that get purple thumbed. It’s actually rather annoying.

      • sarolabelle April 19, 2011, 4:41 pm

        I don’t even like the purple thumb. I wish there was something that allowed to like or dislike and then only the total would be displayed. Similar to TF.

      • hana April 19, 2011, 5:48 pm

        I agree! I don’t now, I think sometimes people take things too seriously or don’t really understand what someone is saying so they just give it a thumbs down. It is kind of mean. I know I used a very personal story to help clarify my comment a few weeks and when I got thumbs down on it I felt bad. I am not bothered at all if people have other opinions than me or that people don’t agree with what I am saying, but I think sometimes the thumbs down can be used in a very negative way. And you should never purple thumb a personal story about someone’s past if it is intended to help a LW because you had a similar situation. Agree or disagree, but have respect. Purple thumb is like anonymous people bashing others through comments, just not brave enough to state your name or real opinion.

      • HmC April 19, 2011, 7:43 pm

        Ironically, thinking that people disagreeing with you is mean = taking things too seriously, IMO.

      • hana April 19, 2011, 8:42 pm

        I don’t think people disagreeing with me is mean. And I don’t think respectfully giving a thumbs down is mean. I said when people give very personal stories to help a LW and people thumbs down it for no reason it is mean. By all means if you don’t like what I say, comment on it.

        But I respect that you didn’t hide behind an anonymous post 😛

      • Debrah April 26, 2011, 11:05 am

        That’s way more clever than I was expceitng. Thanks!

    • Kerrycontrary April 19, 2011, 4:28 pm

      I can’t really deal with the inane grammar corrections. Wendy already did a post on this, no one is perfect.

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      • LolaBeans April 19, 2011, 4:34 pm

        agreed. it’s annoying. we all know what she means.

      • sarolabelle April 19, 2011, 4:56 pm

        she was very nice about it. Wendy said in that post to just be nice when you point them out and not mean and rude.

      • Rachel April 19, 2011, 6:10 pm

        Yikes, I don’t know how this became such a crazy controversy. Wendy said she appreciated people pointing out things like this, and if I were in her shoes, I would too.

      • Wendy April 19, 2011, 4:34 pm

        It’s OK. I really don’t mind people politely and helpfully pointing out typos or whatever. I appreciate it actually.

    • Wendy April 19, 2011, 3:49 pm


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  • SGMcG April 19, 2011, 3:33 pm

    Are you sure he cancelled on a date now? If he wanted to make a date, I’m sure SOMEONE would have said called it such and overtures would have been made, times set and confirmed, etc. and so forth. He asked to hang out – that doesn’t necessarily equate to a first date to begin a series of dates that then evolve into a relationship. It’s a getting to know you period. You guys are still co-workers after all. If you two were to start dating, there may be HR protocols that you both may potentially need to adhere to. Flirtatious interest doesn’t automatically equal to instant commitment. I think you set your expectations a bit too high the first time around LW – especially since you helped him along the whole time. Why not just give the guy a second chance and see if he can redeem himself?

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  • AnitaBath April 19, 2011, 3:35 pm

    “Yikes, sister. This poor guy sounds shy and inexperienced at best, and at worst, a little like that P-word some people can’t seem to handle me using.”

    Do I sense a little passive aggressiveness?

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    • sarolabelle April 19, 2011, 3:38 pm

      I like the p-word!

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      • TheGirl April 19, 2011, 4:20 pm

        Me too! Don’t be a pussy about using the word pussy, Wendy!

      • MellaJade April 19, 2011, 5:00 pm

        Wait – is ‘pussy’ the P-word or is it ‘prick’? Honestly, I’m not offended by either.
        SOME people are just a bit too sensitive! 😉

      • AnitaBath April 19, 2011, 5:21 pm


        I don’t recall anyone having a problem with the word, I just know some people disagreed with Wendy calling the guy who didn’t want to meet his girlfriend’s parents after two months a pussy.

      • Wendy April 19, 2011, 5:34 pm

        No, there were people who had a problem with the actual word. I’ve deleted their comments because I found them offensive, ironically.

      • sarolabelle April 19, 2011, 5:36 pm

        huh? I must have missed them. It would have been interesting to read them.

      • PFG-SCR April 19, 2011, 5:37 pm

        What about my comment was so offensive, Wendy?

      • SpyGlassez April 19, 2011, 5:41 pm

        Somewhere, Dan Savage had a post about how calling someone a “pussy” was a misnomer, because pussies are actually strong and push out babies and all that stuff. He said that a better term would be ballsack, or “sacky” because THAT is something that can take no abuse whatsoever.

        And this guy sounds REALLY sacky to me.

      • hana April 19, 2011, 5:50 pm

        haha! funny.

      • MissDre April 19, 2011, 6:06 pm

        I’m all for it! It’s YOUR site Wendy!!

      • cdj0815 April 20, 2011, 8:32 am

        I like the Wendy, cute. LMBO.

    • BoomChakaLaka April 19, 2011, 5:04 pm

      I’m not a fan of the p word, but only hearing it. Reading it is whatevs.

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  • cmarie April 19, 2011, 3:39 pm

    Agree with Wendy. That’s all.

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  • TheOtherMe April 19, 2011, 3:39 pm

    I agree with Wendy’s advice but then I keep thinking that if this was “His take” their answers might be a little different.

    The more consistent male opinion ( here ) seems to be ” If he would want to date you, he would make it happen”

    Where are the men today ? Guys, help us out !!

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    • Jess of CityGirlsWorld.com April 19, 2011, 4:47 pm

      Yes, I was curious about the exact same thing. This is where women get lost! Is it a case of “If he wanted to date me, he would make it happen”? That’s clearly what LW was thinking.

      Or is it that he’s shy and needs more encouragement? Oh the hours we women have lost trying to answer questions like these!! haha

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    • Mainer April 19, 2011, 5:56 pm

      Sorry TOM – we were all busy doing manly things, like putting up drywall and re-calibrating the toaster so it cooks steak.

      I was actually thinking this as I read the letter; if this was a letter to Wendy asking what she should do, most people would be quick to tell her to MOA because he obviously isn’t in to her. It is very easy to have a zero tolerance policy when you’re making calls for other people (which I see a lot on here – there are some unforgiving people!). But in reality, dating is not perfect. Sometimes guys (or girls) do really get busy when they mean to call. It doesn’t mean they don’t really like you, it just means they have a life. But I get it. She was upset that this guy did not make her priority number one in his life and did not follow through with, what I interpreted as, very tentative plans: “Maybe” we can “hang out.” _She_ was basically the one making plans in which she expected _him_ to initiate. Then she gets pissed when he doesn’t go through with plans he didn’t even make? It’s a two way street sweetheart.

      So yes, I think she jumped the gun on ditching this guy. But I think it’s for the best, because I really don’t think their personalities would do well together and this guy would probably go off the deep end.

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  • randi April 19, 2011, 3:54 pm

    as i was reading this, i thought “wow, what a brat!”
    i can’t believe the lw defriended this guy and gave him the cold shoulder. i understand that she wanted to protect herself, but doing those things definitely gave off a mean vibe. as far as he’s concerned, he didn’t do anything wrong. people have lives, things come up.
    talk to the guy and tell him you felt blown off and you weren’t sure whether he was really interested enough since he doesn’t seem to be able to hold down plans with you.
    although at this point, he might need a little more explanation than that. tell him you were wrong to unfriend him and that you’re sorry you overreacted, but you don’t like to feel blown off. but understand that your crazy overreaction probably doesn’t show him what a cool, relaxed, fun loving girl you are.

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  • sobriquet April 19, 2011, 3:59 pm

    I think you slightly overreacted, but I honestly think you should just move on. He has had so many opportunities to initiate something. You’re coworkers, for chrissake! He hasn’t even asked you out for happy hour? Or lunch? If you’re truly wondering how he feels and want to give it one last shot, ask him out to lunch and follow Wendy’s advice. Otherwise it is never going to happen.

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  • Sarah April 19, 2011, 4:07 pm

    I went out with a guy like this once. We had a really great date, and he would seem interested in going out again and be really flirty. We would always flirt when we were out with friends, online, but when it came time to go out on another date, it never happened. Finally I asked him out, but he said we was camping that weekend. I wrote him off. Sure its not his fault he was camping but make plans for the next weekend for god’s sake! Although, I tend to have a some what stubborn view on that. If the guy isn’t initiating I get turned off. Ask him out, straight and simple, a specific time and day, one more time. If he dodges out of it again, write him off. Those guys make me miss the sleaze balls that are way too forward. And never, ever defriend. It makes it seem like you got super pissed at something that wasn’t a big deal.

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  • LolaBeans April 19, 2011, 4:12 pm

    yeah, you definitely overreacted. and i wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve completely lost your shot with this guy now.. showing that kind of behaviour. Wow..
    Why didn’t you call HIM?!

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  • TheGirl April 19, 2011, 4:19 pm

    So, why didn’t you just ask him out? Asking if he wanted to ‘hang out sometime’ doesn’t really indicate whether you want to date or be friends and also doesn’t have the concreteness of “I’ll meet you at 8 and we’ll get drinks at suchandsuch”. If you wanted to go out with him, you should have just asked him out, not waited for him to make the first move and then wonder at his mixed signals. If he said no, you would have had your answer.

    In any case, whether you moved on too soon or not, it might be too late to date him now, seeing as he appears to be the sensitive, shy type. The best thing to do is take him aside, apologize and tell him you think you misinterpreted his actions. THEN ask him out and see what happens.

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  • mf April 19, 2011, 4:41 pm

    I think it was a little harsh to defriend him on facebook, delete his number, and refuse to speak to him.

    However, I get why you decided to MOA. You sent him a very clear message that you were interested and his response was mixed (and rather lame). Even if he’s shy, it’d be easy to think he’s not really into you if he can’t manage to arrange a date with you. I mean, at least he could have asked you out to lunch (given that you two are coworkers).

    If I were you I’d MOA, but I’d also try to clear the air with him. I’d tell that I was sorry I gave him the cold shoulder, and that I only did it because I thought he was blowing me off. Then I’d say that I hope he and I could remain friends.

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  • cdjd2614 April 19, 2011, 4:44 pm

    LW were your fingers broken and couldn’t pick up the phone yourself? Could you have not made more of an attempt at rescheduling or do you always have to wait for someone else to initiate? That sad look he’s giving you, are you sure its not the “damn she seemed so normal” look cause your behavior screams crazy. You should just MOA and let him find a girl who won’t flip shit on him when he doesn’t call or text on your schedule.

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  • HmC April 19, 2011, 4:48 pm

    Omg. The retaliatory unfriending on Facebook. Seriously LW, how old are you? You know when you unfriend someone there’s going to be the awkward re-adding… and that’s the best case scenario. I have a friend that unfriended her bf because they had a fight. Grow up.

    Even if you feel like there is some legitimate reason to be mad, what exactly are you trying to accomplish by unfriending someone? That this guy you barely know and have a tentative flirty co-worker relationship with is going to have a total personality flip and call you immediately to beg you to be his facebook friend again and go out with him immediately? And this isn’t even a case of legitimate anger… this guy’s actions were ambiguous at best.

    From the limited information we have here, my gut says he is interested but proceeding cautiously for whatever reason. And that’s not inherently bad, unless you need everyone now now now! He’s a co-worker, which is one good reason to go slowly and carefully. Also he might really be shy. There seem to be enough indicators of interest that giving him the cold shoulder is not only unnecessary, but totally counter-productive if you want to establish a comfortable and friendly connection.

    Give this guy a shot, assuming you haven’t scared him away. Hang out with him at least once outside the office, continue gauging his interest and yours. Maybe it will just be a friendship, maybe it will progress to more. Don’t be a jerk to the poor guy unless it’s really warranted, and don’t rush things.

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    • SpyGlassez April 19, 2011, 5:45 pm

      “Grow up.”

      THIS. Why unfriend on Facebook? I mean, no one REALLY expects you to be friends with everyone on your Facebook. You could have just hid him, or restricted him…seems a shame to limit potential networking potential just because you had a fit of pique.

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      • kali April 20, 2011, 1:22 pm

        SpyGlassez – thank you, thank you for spelling (and using) ‘pique’ correctly!!

    • Sarah April 19, 2011, 5:58 pm

      yeeeah, thinking more on it, if a guy unfriended me I wouldn’t go out with him at all. Maybe this guy likes dramatic girls?

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    • caitie_didn't April 19, 2011, 6:33 pm

      OMG YES!!!! I hate facebook unfriending! Like, seriously: 1) it’s kind of a slap in the face and 2). grow the eff up.

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      • HmC April 19, 2011, 7:48 pm

        I mean, for the record, I have unfriended say, guys I dated who rejected me and I knew I didn’t want future contact with. But that’s because I’m big on the whole clean slate approach to breaking up, and I genuinely didn’t want any more contact and made that clear before removing them from facebook/my phone etc. To do it as some sort of “in your face!” move to get attention is dumb.

      • hana April 19, 2011, 8:48 pm

        I have been guilty of the friending/unfriending thing before and the deleting/re-adding contacts to the phone… but I was probably 16 when I did that. Now, I will delete/unfriend an ex or man I was dating who was a jerk, but only because there will be no future contact like you said. I understand her feelings, but she kind of jumped the gun with this guy.

      • SpaceySteph April 22, 2011, 11:14 am

        Completely agree. I dated a guy for a couple months but it ended well and we’re still FB friends. But my ex of 2 years who dumped me over the phone and then 2 days later while I was still crying my eyes out was “in a relationship” with another girl… he’s definitely out!
        The difference is one guy broke my heart into a billion tiny pieces, and one guy was just a fling. This guy was even less than a fling, LW, he was barely even a crush. Does not warrant defriending.

  • callmehobo April 19, 2011, 4:49 pm

    Dear LW,

    When you have a problem with someone, or don’t understand their actions…


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  • kdog April 19, 2011, 4:52 pm

    For some reason this post really cracked me up. Wendy at her finest. 🙂 P-word included.

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  • sarolabelle April 19, 2011, 4:53 pm

    LW – for a more serious comment on this subject.

    I always had to squeeze dates out of men and you know how it made me feel? Not like a pricess, that’s for sure. I wanted a man that could “sweep me off my feet” and not be afraid to do it.

    If this would have happened to me I would have just played it cool with him. I wouldn’t have defriended him on Facebook, deleted his number or refused to talk to him at work. But I would give up all hope in my mind that this was anything more than flirting. And I wouldn’t try again to go out with him. It’s a way of moving on already (in your mind) without getting rid of the friend you made.

    However since you did all this what I would do in your case is try to smooth things over with him at the very least because he was a friend. I would talk with him, apologize, explain what you were thinking and then ask to be his friend again. Don’t be afraid of telling him that you are/were really interested in him (there’s no way he’s not going to know after you talk to him). And then if y’all can be friends again good. And if he wants to take it further with you then he will. However, he might be a really afraid now of the next step.

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    • Woman of Words April 20, 2011, 11:39 am

      Sarolabelle, I agree with you. I know that generally nowadays it’s acceptable for either party to do the asking, however if you want to know if he is keen on you, waiting for him to make the first move will give you a firmer idea. I can understand the LW’s reaction to the perception of being overlooked, however playing your cards closer to your heart would have been a better way to go. From my own point of view, with relationships that I’ve had doubts about down the track, the start was not initiated by the man and that lead to a lack of confidence on my behalf about his motives.

      LW, I think you might be lucky to scrape a friendship together now with this guy, but every experience makes you wiser for the next. Good luck!

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  • Lindsay April 20, 2011, 1:03 am

    It may be that he’s shy, but it may be that being co-workers magnifies it. I’ll ask guys out who I find interesting, but whenever I’m interested in a co-worker or a friend, I’m a lot more skittish because it can go downhill very quickly.

    Say what you want about social networking, but I think defriending him was particularly rude. Assuming you are friends on Facebook with acquaintances, the implication that you don’t even want to associate with him (compounded by the cold shoulder) is way overboard.

    Not to be nitpicky (well, maybe), but if you actually only told him to call if he was free, and he wasn’t free, then him not calling is not that much of an offense. If you guys had made concrete plans, that would be different.

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  • MiMi April 20, 2011, 10:48 am

    I had a six-month..er..relationship…with shy, flirty, somewhat flaky guy. The words were there but the actions were usually not. Long story short, after a lot of push-pull, broken dates and medium kisses (but a lot of hugs), the truth was he was suffering from ED and didn’t have to cojones to tell me straight up or to go to his doctor “because [he] didn’t want to hear what the doctor would say”. Not saying this guy has ED, but there is some consideration stopping him from coming after you for real. Even if he did help his friend move, there was time to phone if he really wanted to – why are we supposed to swallow crummy excuses? Also, you’ve said that he is very nice to you. What do you find interesting and valuable about him, other than his compliments? Good luck and cheers.

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  • SmileRhode April 20, 2011, 11:26 am

    I don’t like using the word pussy to describe someone who’s being cowardly. A pussy is strong! It can take a beating and still come back and deliver a 10 lb baby. We should be looking for a word that describes something that gets hit once and causes a person to double over in pain like a baby. Like balls.

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    • SmileRhode April 20, 2011, 11:57 am

      Read the comments above and it reminded where I heard this before. I can’t take credit – gotta give props to Dan Savage. =)

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  • RMM0278 April 20, 2011, 12:07 pm

    I’m going to defend the LW because I’ve been in her position before, and I responded the same way. I’ll leave the unfriending/cold shoulder alone because I think enough people have commented on it.

    It’s fine to cancel a date. It’s just plain rude to not reschedule. Not rescheduling is a sneaky way of trying to get out of something you didn’t want to do in the first place. He committed to plans with her, which means the burden is on his shoulders to rectify the situation if the situation goes awry as it did. He did not nor did he take the initiative either.

    He may be clueless or uninterested. But if he’s clueless, it does make you wonder what else he’s clueless about. Behavior like this is personality-wide, not just an isolated incident. Let’s say you jump into a relationship. Will he think it’s okay to just bail on plans and not make it up to you?

    If he really wanted a date with you, he would have made it happen — shy or not. While you might have been rude, I think you were right to MOA. You shouldn’t give him the cold shoulder, but I think it’s only fair to let him know that the opportunity to date you has passed and you hope you can be friends.

    And you know what else? Take him out to lunch and tell him why — NOT in a rude or confrontational way though. Don’t do it to spite him but to help him because you’re his friend, right? He deserves to know so he doesn’t do it again. Be upfront because it sounds like this guy needs it.

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    • Woman of Words April 20, 2011, 12:16 pm


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  • Jshizzle April 20, 2011, 7:09 pm

    Flakes are da worst. That being said…I was given a pet name by a co-worker and we compliment one another and we hang out, but we’re just friends. I think you were being a little harsh seeing as he is still nice to you in general, you are both single and can hang out whenever you want. Think of yourself as co-workers first, then be all “hey, I really want a milkshake/beer right now” at 5pm, “you want one?”…if he’s still sketchy it’s not worth it!

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  • WatersEdge April 21, 2011, 9:06 am

    A lot of great comments have already been posted. I just want to add that I went out with a coworker where it took 2 months to pin down a date, and even then, he told me to “hit the ATM before I came because there was a door fee”. I also had to ask him to pick me up instead of meeting there. He later said “well I wasn’t sure if it was a date or we were just hanging out”. Red flag- he errs on the side of saving a door fee just in case it’s not a date! Because we had been flirting for 2 months, I assumed he was just weird/anxious about dating and let it slide. He WAS weird/anxious about dating… for the entire length of our one-year relationship. He was such a horrible pain in the ass. Nothing was EVER easy with him. I should have seen the signs from that very first date. I really feel like if someone can’t get it together to ask you on a motherfucking date properly, it really speaks to a general lack of life skills. And before any of you who can’t get it together to ask someone on a date flame me… yes, I am talking about you too, and yes, you should get it together.

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    • Woman of Words April 21, 2011, 9:10 am

      LOVE this x 1000!!

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    • delilahgem April 21, 2011, 9:59 am

      LOVE THIS!!!

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  • RMM0278 April 21, 2011, 10:19 am

    This is a better version of what I was trying to say. We shouldn’t expect to be mindreaders, but I strongly believe that after spending a certain number of years as an adult, individuals SHOULD have a basic idea on how to treat other people. If you can’t get your act together to plan a proper date or make up the cancellation of a previous date, then you’ve got bigger problems that no one else can solve. Even more disturbing, if you don’t KNOW you need to make up a canceled date, then there’s so much more you have to learn before becoming an SO to someone else. That’s just basic manners like putting a napkin in your lap and not talking with your mouth full of food.

    I look at a guy like this, and I think he’s going to need hand-holding on EVERY social interaction. That makes me feel like a mom not a girlfriend.

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    • Manders April 21, 2011, 1:40 pm

      I don’t think “a certain number of years as an adult” guarantees everyone will have the dating scene down by a certain time. That’s just not realistic or even fair. Some people are late bloomers and others never had a chance to get the experience they needed. It sounds like this guy’s just an inexperienced, shy flake! (Not that the LW ought to waste her time on him if she sees it as a waste).

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      • RMM0278 April 21, 2011, 3:28 pm

        I’m certainly not arguing that everyone should “get” dating by a certain age. I think that’s impossible. What I am saying that someone who lacks a basic understanding of human interaction and manners has a lot to learn beyond asking someone on a date. I’m not talking about just dating.

        What if this guy bailed on a job interview (for a legitimate reason)? Should he expect the prospective employer to keep following up with him for a reschedule? What if this guy bailed on a business client (again for a legitimate reason)? Should he expect the man who pays his paycheck to chase him down for another appointment?

        What he did was rude and disrespectful to her and, more importantly, her time — regardless of his intentions. If she’d been his boss or a coworker or a job candidate or his client, I’d say the same thing.

  • Manders April 21, 2011, 1:34 pm

    I think Wendy was a little harsh on the LW because I honestly feel for this girl’s frustration! My boyfriend of a year and a half took a MONTH to wrangle in. He did eventually ask me out, but he was so shy there were periods I honestly thought he was just humoring me when I was flirting!

    It’s natural to become impatient, although I definitely agree de-friending and essentially deleting him from her life was a bit drastic.

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  • Anonymous November 6, 2020, 9:02 am

    I usually agree with Wendy’s responses, but in this case I must respectfully provide an alternative point of view.

    While dramatic Facebook unfriending may have been a bit of a lashing out, the MOA is exactly the right thing to do in this situation.

    Men who are interested in your company take action. If they really encounter obstacles to keeping the date, they take initiative to reschedule in a timely fashion. They don’t keep you guessing to the level of their interest and they don’t mope around the office looking sad avoiding a communication with you.

    The reason this guy isn’t interested in pursuing you is less important than the fact that he is not. I would suggest that you look why this disappointment is affecting you so deeply as to take dramatic gestures, but in the meantime “thank you, next”.

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