“Does My Boyfriend Have an Anger Management Problem?”
Recently, I invited him to a close friend’s boyfriend’s party, at which the boyfriend was showing some of his film/art work. I really had no idea what to expect as I’d only met him a handful of times since they’ve been together, and never had seen any of his work. Turns out that this presentation went on for an hour, and was really out there – loud music, flashing images, etc. I didn’t understand it, but I appreciated the hard work that was put into it and was happy to be there to support my friend’s boyfriend and their relationship.
Unfortunately, I could see Ben progressively getting irritated throughout the presentation and at the end was fully in a rage. He was saying really rude things about the work (that I feel is fine to think, but keep in until after we left), that fortunately my friends (sitting around us) did not overhear. I politely asked him to save it until after we left. He then walked out of the party without saying goodbye to anyone (this was the first time he met these friends), and he didn’t speak to me on the way back to his place.
I apologized for putting him in the situation, sharing that I didn’t know what to expect. He swung open the doors at his place, with one almost hitting me in the face. He proceeded to take up most of the bed, not offer me clothes to sleep in and turned on the TV incredibly loud and passed out. I stayed because I hate leaving things in a bad place, and hoped that he would mellow out once he was at home.
The next morning, he acted like nothing happened and went back to his normal affectionate self. I took the opportunity then to share that even if he is angry or exhausted, I’d like him to remember that I’m there (even if it’s just saying ‘good night’ in this type of situation), especially when I didn’t do anything to intentionally hurt him. He apologized and things have since been fine. But I’m concerned about how he’ll behave/treat me when there is something substantial to be angry about. I mentioned this to him and he said that he doesn’t know how to answer that.
I care about him a lot and don’t want to write him off, however I want to conscious of the things I am looking for in a partner. Am I being overly concerned about this? — Rager’s Girlfriend
Your boyfriend’s peculiar behavior, awful as it was, isn’t even the most alarming part of the situation. It’s what he said when you expressed your concern about how he might treat you in the future if he had something substantial to be angry at you with. The correct answer to such a question would be to calm your fears and assure you that although he can’t promise to never be angry at you, he can promise to always treat you with respect and talk to you about what’s bothering him in a rational way. Instead he said, “I don’t know how to answer that.” What the hell kind of BS response that? It makes me think that he knows exactly what his answer is and he knows if he were to tell you the truth that he’d scare you away.
This man has definitely waved some bright red flags in your face. After only four months, I’d cut my losses and move on. If you decide to give it some more time – which I would not recommend, for the record – proceed with caution. Don’t let this subject die. Talk to him again about the night of the party and how unsettling his behavior was. Tell him you saw a side of him you weren’t previously aware of and that it deeply concerned you. Let him know that you weren’t satisfied with his answer about how he may potentially handle his anger toward you in the future, and ask him to be honest about whether he has experienced an issue in the past with managing his anger.
Pay attention to his answer and his reaction. If he replies with anger, that’s obviously a bad sign. If he opens up about issues he might have exhibited in the past or in previous relationships, then at least he’s aware he has a problem and that’s positive sign. If he’s aware of the problem, then maybe he’ll be open to seeking help for it (in the form of therapy). If he isn’t, MOA or you risk essentially being with a ticking time bomb. He came close to swinging a door in your face the last time he was pissed. What might he do the next time?
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LW, this guy sounds a tad unstable from your description. As Wendy said, what might he do the next time he gets angry? What if he gets violent? After all, you haven’t been dating that long, so how well can you really know this guy? Even with the additional year of being friends, he could have hidden the darker parts of his personality from you. If he isn’t willing to address his anger problem, then I would recommend to MOA. No relationship is worth the constant fear of setting the other person off over something trivial and then dealing with their rage.
Get out now honey. It’s only going to get worse.
What–no, of course that’s not normal. It’s just an art exhibit!
Even setting aside the possibility of this behavior escalating to physical violence, this guy showed an amazing lack of maturity. He acted like a little kid- stormed off and hid in his room and gave you the silent treatment all night. Frankly, I can’t believe you hung around and let yourself be treated like that.
I think you should cut this guy loose. First, for the anger problem (he was mad way above and beyond what the situation called for). Second, for the horribly childish way he chose to handle it, and last because he doesn’t seem to think he did anything wrong. I’m going to take a wild guess and say his apology wasn’t genuine.
The last guy I dated was somewhat like this, and I let it go. He would get ridiculously angry over little disagreements, and though I never felt physically threatened, he often made me cry with yelling and childish behavior. I should have said goodbye after the first time; it would have saved me a lot of heartache in the end. People don’t often change that kind of behavior pattern without actual professional help.
Your BF pulled a toddler. He had a temper tantrum and then sulked afterward when he didn’t get his way. All that was missing from his performance was to throw himself kicking and screaming on the ground. His whole demeanor was manipulative – he was intentionally saying rude things in the hopes that you would get uncomfortable and want to leave. When you didn’t give in he stomped out and gave you the silent treatment until the next morning. Are you sure you want to be with this person? He sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do.
LW-
I too can be very sensitive. In this situation, you are not acting sensitive in the least.
He is manipulating you. He knows what kind of person you are – I think it sounds kind and caring and maybe more of a giver than a taker – and he’s taking that and using it against you.
Even if he isn’t physically hurting you or yelling at you, what he’s doing is mentally abusive. Believe me. I know what it looks like. It took me over a year to figure it out, but I did.
Maybe after one time it’s too soon to tell and mabye I’m projecting my past experience a little bit . . . but I honestly believe that kind of treatment is a red flag. Know or learn what is ok with you and move on if you’re not getting it. Always wondering when the next ball will drop sucks.
The thing I find totally out of place was the anger over a situation that didn’t warrant anger. Even if the film/artwork was out there, not to his taste, boring, stupid, etc. it shouldn’t have been any cause for anger. He could have done like you and tried to see the amount of work that went into it. He could have entertained himself with his phone and you both could have gone home joking about what a horrid show it was but he didn’t choose to do any of that. He chose to get angry and it really was a choice. If this is how he chooses to handle a situation he doesn’t care for but is in no way dangerous, rude, racist, insulting, etc. to him, then how will he handle routine things that come up in life. How does he handle being stuck in traffic or how would he handle a cranky, tantruming toddler? His threshold for anger is remarkably low. So remarkably low that it’s really at the toddler level and at least the toddler doesn’t usually know better and is usually tired and/or hungry. You deserve an adult. A man doesn’t behave like this.
Right? There were a million other choices he could have made. Perhaps he’s neurodivergent and couldn’t handle the sensory overload. That’s when it’s time to step out of the room or outside. A quick polite apology “I’m sorry, the lights were giving me a headache.” Anything other than this absolute mantrum.
He doesn’t know how to answer your concerns about his disturbing behavior? How about saying, “I don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry, but can I give some real thinking about what you said and discuss it later?” Maybe he honestly doesn’t know how to answer your concerns, because maybe he’s never had it approached by anyone before. Yet considering his behavior from the night before and the apathetic reaction to the events the next morning, this is a BIG red flag for me and I would MOA from him.
If you can’t communicate with the person you’re in an intimate relationship with, you don’t have a relationship.
Oh, honey. Get out now.
This is what abusers do. They get mad, get abusive (be it verbal, physical, or both), get you to apologize and then act affectionate the next day and swear it will never happen again. Until it does. It’s a vicious cycle. Most women don’t notice it until it’s too late and they’ve been sucked in too deep.
But you? You got a precious gift. He responded with “I don’t know how to answer that.” He’s, for all intents and purposes, admitting he’s abusive.
Maya Angelou said one of my favorite quotes: “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
He showed you what he is – believe what you saw with everything you’ve got. And then walk away.
I honestly don’t think his rage has anything to do with the performance, but something else and the performance was an easy outlet for him to use to express his anger.
That said, he’s pretty unstable with the way he handled it, and you apologizing and being overly sympathetic to his anger isn’t so great either. I’d move on, especially since he seemed to be dismissive over the situation.
I could say what everyone else has- that behavior like your boyfriend’s is often an early indication of an abuser- and I would be speaking from my own experience. But, since that has been covered, I won’t- other than to say that they are right-on.
What I will add is that this is another version of “is this behavior bad enough to end the relationship?” instead of what we should be asking- “is this relationship good enough to stay in?”
ESPECIALLY 4 months in, a relationship shouldn’t be a struggle like this. It should add to your life, not make it harder. I don’t know what it is about our society, but way too many people (myself included for many years) stay in relationships until there is a big flashing red warning light telling them to get out. It’s ok to say “this isn’t it” way before that point, and I think you’re there. Maybe he is an abuser just waiting for the point that he can fully indulge that side of him. Maybe not. But he definitely doesn’t have the coping skills of an adult. He’s definitely not showing that he is able to be an equal life partner, and I imagine those are things that the vast majority of people are looking for in a relationship. Give yourself permission to go find that.
The thing I find weirdest about this is that we don’t know why he was upset. As this entire letter is thoughtful and articulate, I can only assume that the LW asked her fumming BF “Honey, why are you so upset?” in between apologizing and sleeping in her clothes.
Did he ignore her, as in, totally not respond? Did he say “nothing” and roll over and go to sleep? I find this so curious. I wish she had elaborated on that, because I think its incredibly important. Maybe his reason was:
– “I can’t belive you made me sit through an hour of modern art when you know my mother was run over by a band of roving dadists”
– “I can’t believe you made me waste my night on that crap when i could have been watching reruns of sports center”
– “I can’t believe you shushed me in front of all your friends. That was so humiliating, all I said was “wow, this is bright.” I cannot believe you would do that. and then you didn’t even apologize for doing that! like I’d be mad at you for bringing me to bad art show”
I think without knowing his answer to that question, I find it impossible to say whether or not the dude is a complete and totally asshole. (Personally, I think using “abusive” here – emotionally, mentally, or physically, is a pretty freaking large leap. All we know is that he slammed a door OPEN and ignored her until he slept off his anger. Not cool, but not abusive if that word is going to retain any real meaning beyond “not appropriate”.)
Or maybe she didn’t ask him? LW, if you asked him, can you tell us the answer?
Sure, it would be helpful to know more. But it’s all over the top. None of that, or any combination thereof rises to the level of fully raging and being rude at a party that which no one did anything to you except to show you an art show you didn’t like, slamming doors, refusing to speak to your partner the rest of the night, not even offering her pajamas, cranking up the TV volume, taking up most of the bed, and ignoring her.
He might not have liked her telling him at the party to save his commentary for later, for example, but that would just mean that even when he has a huge correction coming for being horrendously over the top, he’s going to blow up at the corrector instead of looking at himself.
He had a huge over reaction to not liking the art show. He had a huge overreaction to whatever her supposed fault was, correcting him or taking him there in the first place or something.
Taking something out on somebody so drastically that they don’t deserve at all, raging and being rude at a party because you don’t like something, I would call that abusive.
But if you want to call it something else, mean, cold, rude, cruel, short-tempered, fine, but “prone to get over the top angry at others every time something happens that you don’t like” is a giant no in my book. Because if it isn’t abusive, it’s already in the doorstep of it 4 months in. No thanks.
Just be wary, LW…keep your eyes open
Boyfriend may have some unusual sensory issues. Some people on the autistic spectrum have unexpected reactions to sensory input (touch, sight, sound, etc.). The art presentation may have been overwhelming and traumatic for him.
If that’s the case, he isn’t necessarily a bad, evil person. On the other hand, even if he isn’t actually evil, it may turn out that he’s a lot more work than you need in a relationship. There’s a very good (and short) book entitled “Alone Together” by Katrin Bentley that deals with the difficulties of a mixed marriage between a typical woman and her undiagnosed Aspie husband. You may recognize yourself in that book.
I fully agree with what many others have said regarding this man’s issues. One thing that did pop in my head while reading the letter is that maybe this guy was reacting to the intensity and volume of the art piece. Sometimes outside circumstances such as quickly flashing pictures and intensely loud music can agitate people.
Of course, once he got home he was still a doosh and that is totally unacceptable. I also strongly agree with Regina Ray that the LW’s response to this was rather doormat-ish and could set the wrong precedent.
While I’m not totally convinced that he is a future abuser, I think he is extremely immature and 4 months is too soon to be having such issues. Think LW should think twice about not only his actions, but her own reactions.
It seems the LW has a hard time sticking up for herself. She mentions a list of behaviors that indicated that her boyfriend was upset, but she doesn’t mention responding to any of these behaviors (aside from apologizing to him).The LW didn’t indicate that she let her boyfriend know verbally or otherwise that she didn’t appreciate and wouldn’t tolerate his behavior. My husband has gotten huffy like this, too (albeit, probably for more cause and, no, he’s not an abuser), and each time I immediately let him know that this kind of behavior is not okay. Did the LW tell her boyfriend that he almost hit her with the door? Did she ask him to turn the TV down and talk about what was upsetting him? Did she ask for bed clothes? Did she insist that he make room for her in bed or she was going home? My guess is that she didn’t do any of these things. You have to respect yourself before other people will respect you. By suffering silently, the LW has given her boyfriend the impression that she will tolerate this sort of treatment. Both the LW and her boyfriend need to work on their communication skills. If the boyfriend won’t acknowledge this is a problem, she should definitely MOA and let him know why.
I agree, red flags are up. Another perspective too, that sounded very familiar. My ex husband was like that at times, he’d blow up and be extremely angry over what i didnt think was anything, and not necessarily at me, but then later it was like it never happened. As a couple, we did not fight – looking back, this was also unhealthy. over the years i can look back and realize he did not know how to express himself properly and would hold things in. It can be draining on the partner.
Your bf may have been sensory overloaded as well, that’s a lot to take in if you’re not expecting it, and it can be quite irritating as well.
just keep your eyes and mind open to what’s going on. dont let your heart sway you when you’ve had an instinctive feeling that something was wrong.
LW- Even if your boyfriend is not abusive (altough he kind of sounds like it) would you really want to be around someone like that all the time? My first thought was picturing my husband and I at a place like that laughing like mad afterwards at how “lame” we thought the show was………then I kept reading the letter and was alarmed. Even if his anger was due to immaturity or a bad day, he doesn’t sound like fun at all. And as many others have pointed out 4 months should be all lovey dovey.
I did date a guy like that and at first I wanted to “help” him. After a year or so I realized I wasn’t helping at all, I was making it worse by giving into him. I also noticed he was bringing me down. My Husband now is completly the oppiste and we laugh about/at everything. Life is so much sweeter when you have a buddy who can laugh at life with you rather than a immature brat who is always in a snit.
I was in an abusive relationship several years back and the abuse started shortly after my ex started exhibiting this sort of behavior. Look into “borderline personality disorder” …I bet you’ll find some interesting parallels to his current behavior. Get out as soon as possible, he’s not going to change. Guys like this can be very manipulative and you may end up in a bad situation. Good luck, stay strong, peace.
To quote Whoopi Goldberg’s character in Ghost: “You’re in danger, Girl.”
This man is dangerous. Usually I don’t endorse breaking up by text message, but this situation warrants it. Prepare by installing security systems, or at the very least one of those Ring cameras. Inform your closest people about him that you’re afraid for your safety when you break up with him. Ben is a dangerous bastard. Document and save any post breakup messages and save them in a file in case you need a restraining order.