“He Asked Me to Move In But He Won’t Make Space”
I had only been sober for a few months when I met Luke, but I was earning enough to provide for me and my daughter while living with my dad. Soon, Luke asked if my daughter and I wanted to move in with him. He had bought the house with his ex-wife and furnished it with his ex-girlfriend after his divorce. My daughter and I moved in with him and I moved most of my stuff into a storage unit across the street, hoping that I would eventually get to bring some of my furniture and belongings in.
I found a career path and have risen to the top of my profession, managing a team and earning six figures. I’ve come a long way from where I was 10 years ago – not just financially, but more importantly, my daughter and I have a close relationship and she can trust and count on me.
During the two and a half years that we’ve been living here, I’ve given Luke so much money on a monthly basis that I basically pay his mortgage payment, and he still hasn’t made space for me. I don’t even have a closet. I look at the furnishings that he bought with his ex-girlfriend every day and see my storage unit across the street and sometimes cry because I don’t have a home of my own.
Luke says that he likes the way his house looks and that me giving him any more money will not buy me any more space. Yet, he continues to take up more and more space himself, buying things at auctions and installing a large slot-car racing track. I am trying to make meaningful improvements to his house to make it more livable for me, like remodeling the bathroom and the kitchen. But we don’t even have a dishwasher, and that leads to fights between us about the dishes.
I have lost my spark and become depressed. I feel lost and like I don’t have any dreams or goals anymore. I thought that we would start over and buy a house together and maybe get married. He said that he was going to propose to me, but I got “weird,” and I don’t smile like I used to. I’ve also become very messy because I don’t have any room here to organize my stuff.
We have been browsing new homes, but they are never enough for him. I just want a neutral space for us to start over without the furnishings and paint from his ex-girlfriend. And I want a dishwasher and a dresser in or near my bedroom.
Despite all of the negative things I have said about his house, Luke has a lot of good qualities. He is a very kind man. He is gentile, patient, witty, and fun. He feeds the birds, rescues animals, and is always there for anyone who needs him. My family and my daughter love him. I’m afraid if I move out, I will lose him. We have traveled together to Europe and a few trips around the US. We still make good memories, but this house situation is tearing us apart.
What should I do? — Needing a Home of My Own
Your letter is similar to yesterday’s from a woman who had recently left her husband who took her for granted after five years of her doing everything around the house, taking care of HIS kids, and never being made to feel like a priority in his life. The difference, of course, is that you haven’t left your own misogynist yet, and you should.
Your misogynist – Luke – may very well be nice to birds and animals and he might “always be there for anyone who needs him,” but he’s not there for you and he’s not very nice to you. It’s not nice to accept an entire monthly mortgage payment from you every month without even giving you so much as a closet to keep your clothes, let alone equity to build your credit. It’s not “nice” to expect you to smile for his comfort and enjoyment while actively contributing to the depression that has stolen your spark, your happiness, your smile. It’s not nice to continue buying shit for his house while telling you there’s no space for any of your belongings. It’s not gentile or patient or witty or fun to deny you a fucking dishwasher and then fight with you about dirty dishes after a meal that I’d bet my left foot you probably prepared.
I am so sorry for the trauma men have put you through – your abusive ex-husband and now Luke, and who knows how many before and in between, like any men who helped raise you to believe that the kind of behavior you’ve been subjected to is okay. It most certainly is NOT okay. It is not okay to accept payment from a woman and supply abso-fuckin’-lutely NOTHING in return. Not equity, not a closet, not a dresser, not a dishwasher – not even a good time. I bet Luke doesn’t even pay for your storage unit you’re forced to rent because he can’t move his ex-girlfriend’s crap out of his house to make space for you.
You deserve better than this. You deserve to feel cherished, appreciated, and loved fully and unconditionally. It doesn’t seem that you realize this so I hope you will consider therapy to help process and heal from the trauma you’ve experienced so you can move on and build upon the positive things you’ve created in your life despite all the challenges. It’s my hope for you that you heal so damn much, you kick Luke and his like to the curb and never ever again settle for less than a partner who values you 100% for who you are and not simply how you can make his life easier. In the meantime, I want you to know that you can – and should, oh you should! – move out and still experience whatever it is you find to enjoy about his Luke. You don’t have to live with someone or pay his mortgage to be in a relationship with that person.
And if paying Luke’s mortgage and washing his dirty ass dishes IS the condition upon which your relationship can exist, that should tell you everything you need to know about where you stand with him. If you moving out and re-claiming space for yourself – space you deserve, can afford, and have more than earned – is enough to make Luke want to break up with you, let him, because he was only dead weight dragging you down and keeping you from being all you can be. Luke is the reason you’ve lost your spark. Luke is the reason you’re depressed and can’t access your dreams and goals anymore. He has you convinced your dreams don’t matter, and they do.
YOU matter. Your dreams and goals and happiness matter. You are deserving of space. TAKE UP SPACE. Show your daughter that women are just as deserving as men of space and dignity and respect and JOY. Model for her what might have saved you trauma if it had modeled for you: women can reach their highest goals when they free themselves of the misogynists dragging them down.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I have never agreed with Wendy more! Everyone deserves a dishwasher and women deserve men who will help with the dishes!
First of all, well done – you’ve picked yourself up in every way possible except for your self esteem. Now it’s time to place your dedication back into your self worth. You should be so proud of yourself for all you have achieved. You already know the answer and it’s time to face up to it. Get rid of this leech and be a FULL power house! Go and get you and your girl your own haven that can never be taken away from you. Good Luck 🙂
Oh my goodness, yes, leave this dude! You make 6 figures! You can take care of yourself! How did this guy con you into paying his mortgage? You sound like just another piece of furniture to him. Whether you decide to get counseling after you leave this turkey or not, I think it’s important that you build a home and life with your daughter that you love *before* you start dating again. Because then the next man who comes along will have to compete with the happiness and peace you’ve built for yourself. And only a genuinely worthy man will be able to accomplish that.
Also, please send Wendy an update. I think everyone reading this wants better for you and will want to know what happens!
Def send an update wishing you good health and abundance.
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Wouldn’t the ex want some stuff. Why has he got it all.
You should be proud of what you’ve achieved both personally and professionally.
Yes kick him to the curb
I agree with all these replies you make six figures and you want to stay with this loser why? and please don’t say I love him. That’s not love
Dump this labor digging fool. He’s using you for free labor.
and to pay his mortgage. And not treating her like a partner. He loves that six figure income she’s bringing in, but not her.
Wendy’s response gets my standing ovation…if my cat wasn’t on my lap! 😊
You definitely can’t disturb a cat on your lap!
If your family and your daughter love him it’s only because you and them are used to living in toxic environments. Just because Luke doesn’t abuse you doesn’t make him a good boyfriend. Luke is taking advantage of you and your weak mental status. Go to therapy and learn that that you are capable and independent and you do not need Luke to be happy and teach your daughter to find a man who will care about his girlfriends thoughts and feelings and treat her with respect. #1 you don’t need Luke to be happy. He is the ball and chain stealing your joy. #2 if you do want to date there are lots of decent guys out there that will treat you way better than Luke. Do yourself a favor and move out and put yourself first for once in your life and not second after some loser man.