I had never lived with a guy ever so it was a new experience. In the beginning it was rocky; I think he was cheating on me but I forgave him as it was only two weeks into meeting him this all happened. I continued to not trust him as he kept texting people on his phone while in the bathroom, would delete all his texts all the time — stuff that seemed suspicious. I eventually asked him to change his number so I could start to trust him again, which he did. Everything was going good for about a month until one night we both got very drunk and got in a heated argument — over nothing! I am 5’4 125lbs. and he is 6’2 260lbs. He got in my face and head-butted me when I was yelling at him, knocking me to the ground and cutting my forehead open. He then tore the phone out of the wall, smashed it, attempted to tear lights out of the walls, punch a hole in the wall. Twice he picked me up by my throat and slammed me down on the bed. He threw a cell phone at my head as hard as he could, ripped a necklace off of me, tore off his shirt (like the Hulk) threw me across the room, wouldn’t let me sleep (this started at 11:00 at night and he didn’t calm down until 5am) — he kept picking up the mattress and rolling me off the bed…it was a nightmare.
The next day I was ready to leave without telling him. I was considering making a plan when two days after the incident I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified, confused, and scared. I don’t believe in abortion so I was going to have it no matter what. I couldn’t leave him, though, as I had nowhere to go but I was planning out an escape plan. I kept telling myself to just stay calm until I finalized a good plan to leave, but not even a month later I found how I had a miscarriage.
When I found out I was pregnant and then when I had the miscarriage he was supportive. He was so caring and considerate. After the miscarriage I thought I would give him a chance. I love the way he looks at me, how he cares about me, and listens to me. He’s honest with me now, and I trust him now. We’re now engaged and things are well. My only issue is if he could physically hurt as bad as he did that one night, what would stop him again when he is really mad or drunk? He says he gets so worked up with me because he actually cares. He has a temper and when he snaps over nothing, he SNAPS. He throws things, punches walls, paces rooms — it’s scary. He does not scare me on a day-to-day basis, but when he snaps I feel scared.
What do I do? Seems like stupid question. I just question what if we have children and he behaves that way? I grew up with abusive parents, and I don’t want that for my children. I just don’t know what to do and would love your opinion. — Hesitant Fiancée
RUN. Run far and fast from this no-good scoundrel. Even if you hadn’t mentioned the beating he gave you, you listed so many red flags — his legal drama, his bad temper, the possible cheating and suspicious behavior, his booze-fueled rage, and his manipulative character — that staying with him would be like cozying up to a ticking bomb every night. He is going to blow up — and not just once. There is no “if” in this situation. This man WILL beat you again … and again and again and again for as long as you stay with him. He will likely beat any children you have together, and at the very least put another future pregnancy in grave danger if you stay with him. Please, please, please leave him immediately. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your future children. Don’t you want better for them than the way you grew up?
You don’t need some elaborate plan to leave this man. You just need a dose of courage and someone to call for help. Even if you don’t have a single friend or family member you can count on, there are hotlines you can call to speak to people who can help you get out of your situation. They can help you find a safe place to live and formulate a plan for continuing the rest of your life away from this man’s harmful reach. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can find additional information, resources and local numbers at their website, TheHotline.org (use a public/safe computer if you are concerned your computer usage is being monitored at home). Here is a link to state hotlines. Here is a link to state shelters for battered women. And here is a link to very important information and resources to keep in mind if you are planning to leave or even planning to stay.
Even if you feel like you don’t have the courage to leave today or this week or this month, please, at the very least, read the information I’ve linked to so you are better prepared to protect yourself in the future when your boyfriend beats you again. Have a support system in place. Memorize a list of emergency numbers to call. Have a code word you can use with friends or family for when you need help. Have a safe spot in your home you can escape to. Change the user names and passwords on your email and other secure accounts. Start saving for an emergency fund you can use to escape. And please get in touch with a domestic violence program in your area. Even if you decide to stay put for now — and I sincerely hope you don’t — they will give you the emotional support and counseling you need as you continue your relationship. Take care of yourself, but don’t do it alone. There are people who want to help you, so please let them.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.