“He Cheated on Me with His Wife. Is This Relationship Fixable?”
So after about a year, Eric started to feel that I was too reluctant to commit. I admit that I was dragging my feet and would avoid the topic of commitment, make plans with him and then cancel them, and sometimes avoid his texts and calls. I did love him, but I still needed the other things, and I wasn’t sure about committing. We had a terrible fall with lots of criticism and fights and hours of dysfunctional texting and messaging, although we did have some nice times, too.
By February Eric’s business had collapsed and he went bankrupt (he is a very hard working guy, no laziness issues here). In the spring we actually were the best we’d ever been. He was surprised I stuck with him. I tried to support him emotionally, the kids were more accepting — it all seemed lovely. Then I got about 60 texts from his wife (separated from him now two years). Full of venom and hate, and a LOT of personal details about me (financial stuff, health stuff, things I had told him about my relationship with my husband and work). She made all kinds of personal and professional threats, and I was scared. It turns out, Eric had been occasionally sleeping with his estranged wife for about six months, during which time I loaned him thousands and thousands of dollars, and he was accusing ME of being unable to commit to a relationship.
It’s three months since I found out. He has been seeing a shrink weekly, actually went to court and got a restraining order against his wife, and has paid me back 3/4 of the money I loaned him. I flip-flop between appreciating all his effort and thinking that he irreversibly destroyed my trust and love for him, replacing both with flashbacks, palpitations, and a nugget of hate for him and her that feels like he gave me a permanent disease for which he should be punished.
Is that fixable? Or should I dust off my heart and move on? — Sucker-Punched
Dust off your heart and move on. With an estranged husband you’re still legally married to — if not emotionally committed to — and FOUR teenagers you’re parenting, plus all your hobbies, interests and friends, you have more than enough on your plate to keep you occupied. You don’t need the added drama of a man who cheats on you and takes money from you under false pretenses. You also don’t need the drama of a relationship whose dysfunction, which dates back to your second year together, feels like a “permanent disease.”
MOA. Move on already from this man and this relationship and this drama and this distraction from the pain of your failed marriage. Quit projecting your disappointment from that onto this. You can’t heal your broken heart from one failed relationship by trying to fix another broken one, and until you deal with the true culprit of your pain, you will continue a cycle of bad relationships because that’s simply what you’ll attract to your life.
You got a rebound relationship out of the way; congratulations. Now move on to the next stage in your post-divorce life (which would entail, I guess, actually getting a divorce, right?). Focus on your kids and travel and friends and your hobbies and work. Fill your life with people and activities that pump you up, not drain you. Don’t worry about finding a new relationship just yet. If you went straight from a long marriage to a drama-filled relationship, when was the last time you actually experienced being on your own, without a partner and without the drama of dysfunction in your life?
Get to know yourself again. Embrace the loneliness; it won’t kill you. Stretch out in your own bed, by yourself. Let the wanting of someone else wash over you; it won’t kill you. Fill the hole in your heart with self-love. Fill it with your kids’ laughter and conversations with your friends and new scenery on your next trip. Find happiness on your own again and trust that when — and if — your heart is ready to love and trust someone else, it will radiate a magnetic energy, attracting potential partners your way. But until you’re emotionally ready, your heart is sending a signal to be left alone, and there’s no way a relationship — with this man, or anyone else — can be built on that.
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What?! No!
(ok, I’ll read the letter now)
I read it.
No!
“He just felt out of control and was trying to regain some self-esteem and control”. Seriously?! After everything he did, THAT’s his excuse?! I know violence is not a solution, but he definitely deserves to be punched in the throat.
If she tries that she is just going to get beat up. She had “other things” and so did he, no big deal.
WTF? Why would you even WANT to fix this “realtionship”?
Also, next time, please don´t “force” a guy on your kids. Even though they aren´t little anymore I´m sure they don´t need to be exposed to Mom´s love life.
I agree with Wendy you need to first get divorced and then MOA from this guy. He obviously didn’t care about you enough to consider exposing you to STDs by being with his ex and no matter what happened in his life it is no excuse to betray your trust. Instead of exposing yourself to that, expose yourself to other areas of life beyond a romantic relationship and I think you will be a more fulfilled person in general. Good luck!
I actually think you have a pretty good head on your shoulder, which if you’re a regular reader you would know I pretty much always feel the exact opposite. You have friends. You have hobbies. You seem to genuinely have been blind sided by a situation you couldn’t have predicted. You loaned money but you are getting it back. So I guess first of all kudos to you.
I really know you will be just fine without this guy. There are other fish in the sea, and ones who haven’t betrayed you so much. I know if I were you I could never fully trust him again. It’s great that he’s going to a therapist but some wrongs just can’t be undone. Him going to a therapist doesn’t change the fact that he told personal details to his wife, read your personal e-mails, had sex outside of your committed relationship, etc. It doesn’t change any of that. It’s awesome that he’s getting help – but that’s not really awesome for you.
And you have 4 teenagers. That just went through their parents divorce. Spend all the time with them you can. Make sure they know that they are your number 1 priority because they are probably going through a whole pile of emotions you might not have even thought of. Plus they’re surly teenagers to begin with – so they might not feel comfortable talking with you about these things.
So keep seeing your friends for happy hours, create a loving post-divorce stable life for your kids, keep exercising, keep up with your hobbies, and practice self love. If that means getting yourself a weekly mani/pedi, do it. You seem to have your shit together – so please dump the guy. Maybe you two could fix this, but why would you want to? You have enough of your plate and have gone through enough drama.
Even the headline screams MOA.
I think people forget after a long relationship, you NEED the time to rediscover yourself, who you are at that moment, and just get back in the groove of being YOU. LW, you’ve got a ton going on with your life – keep that momentum up. Definitely MOA from this guy – it sounds like you’re raising another child by keeping him on. And as Wendy said, it won’t kill you to be on your own, relationship-wise, for a while.
WWS. Holy shit, LW. You sound like a well-spoken, reasonable individual who is mostly on top of things. So… why are you even considering “fixing” your relationship with this man?
“I flip-flop between appreciating all his effort…” His effort isn’t for you. Seeing a therapist, dealing with his wife, & paying you back are all things he should’ve been doing already. He’s only BEGINNING to put his life in order, & that’s something he should be doing for himself. Don’t bother appreciating it except to tell him “Good luck” before you delete his phone number.
“…and thinking that he irreversibly destroyed my trust and love for him” He did! I’m sure he didn’t mean to or WANT to be malicious towards you, but his life seems to be a mess. People who have messy lives often behave in an even messier manner. Both of you have marriages that are damaged, & now the relationship you’ve tried to have with each other is broken as well. That is just too many peices to try to put back together. They’re bound to get all mixed up (and they already have)
You’re not under any illusions about the fucked-up-ness of what this guy did– you lay it out extremely clearly. Why do you want to go back to him? He’s already pushing you to get over everything quicker than you’re comfortable with. Like Wendy said, “You got a rebound relationship out of the way; congratulations.” Despite the severity of the drama here, you got out pretty unscathed. Thank god you didn’t “commit” fully by letting his guy penetrate every aspect of your life, thank god you’ve kept all your friends, etc. Gather your friends around you for strength, cut this guy out of your life, & starting dealing with everything else.
Ugh. I have a friend in a similar situation. He left his wife, moved too quickly into a relationship with her, pushed her on his son, cheated on her with his wife, the wife sent her a voice recording of them talking about him cheating on her, but it’s HER fault he cheated because she has male friends, so on, so forth. Add to the mix that he’s passive aggressive, drunk ALL THE TIME, has a DUI on his record and the only reason he has a job is because of her father and you get the picture. And we learned about the cheating six months ago. I wish she would leave him but she “loves him” and wants to stay even though she “can’t trust him.” UGH.
Women: STOP DATING MARRIED MEN. What did you expect would happen?! Sheesh.
Make sure you get your money back first. Please, please, make sure he pays you back. Honestly, I would wait to fully end things until you have your money. Otherwise you will likely never see it again.
And then get yourself tested, DTMFA, and MOA.
LW, what do your friends say you should do? What do your kids think? Being that you have close friends that you are very active with, they probably know a fair amount of detail about your situation. Your kids (hopefully) do not know all the awful details, but I am sure they have seen a difference in their Mom. They have probably heard you cry or have witnessed “hours of dysfunctional texting and messaging”. So… why don’t you get a feel for some of their opinions? Ask your friends! Tell them to be HONEST! And observe your kids- because I don’t think it would be smart or healthy to go into detailed conversations with them about it- but, you can probably tell what they are thinking when this guy is around or you are talking about him.
We are just strangers who all think you should move on. Too much has gone wrong in this relationship for it to ever go right. But, you don’t have to listen to us. Listen to the people who love you, know you, and want what is best for you. I have a hunch they will tell you that this isn’t right for you. You sound like you have the potential for a lot of wonderful things in your life- beautiful kids, travel, and fun friends. So, why let such a defective relationship bring you down?
Dust it off and move on. And really why does he get any say in where you are in the recovery process? If you were going to stay with him it would take more than 3 months and a few counseling sessions to rebuild the trust in your relationship. Focus on all of the other things you have going on in your life and let him deal with his own baggage.
LW, neither of you were totally “in” this relationship. You had other interests and activities that were pressing enough to avoid his calls and texts, avoid talking committment (when you were both still married to other people – excuse me?), etc. and he was sleeping with his wife and who knows what else they were talking about besides every detail of your life – like possibly getting back together? Maybe that’s why she went off the deep end… In any case, it’s time to be honest with yourself that this whole thing doesn’t add up to a keeper – while there may be affection, the needed honesty, trust, and committment by both parties is just not there.
Sucks, but what you are left with is a good opportunity to be a role model for those kids on how to take responsibility for a mistake and recover with class and dignity..
You talk a lot about what you did wrong in this relationship, that you were distant and noncommittal and then, after you decided you wanted to be with him, forced yourself and your kids into spending time together. Truthfully, it doesn’t sound particularly helpful and he was well within his rights to be upset that you seemed so ambivalent about him. It seems like the implicit question here was whether you somehow caused his behavior, and the answer, of course, is no. He dropped a nuclear bomb on this relationship. Three, actually! There was the snooping on your very personal email and Facebook messages, a complete betrayal of your trust and violation of your privacy. There was having sex with another woman, another complete betrayal that also unnecessarily jeopardized your health. Finally, he shared all the personal information he gathered and shared it with his ex-wife, who turned out to be emotionally unstable and physically threatened you.
And he thinks you should be over it by now? He should be amazed that you even bothered to try to stay with him at all! People get over betrayal all the time but any one of these three things would have been enough to end the relationship. It’s hard to parse out the timeline, but the good part of the relationship, the “best it ever was”, only seemed to last a few months. Most of the time you were together you weren’t sure you wanted to commit to him or were bitterly arguing. It just doesn’t sound like there’s enough here that’s worth saving to forgive everything he’s put you through.
Yes! Of course it IS fixable! Just roll over and do anything and everything he says. Anything. Please do. You two truly do deserve to be together. Forever. And on a related side note, yes — it was such a joy to finally read a letter from a thoroughly together modern woman and not one from someone so absurdly gullible or desperate or even pathetic. So, so glad that’s NOT you…
From the information you shared, it seems like you have a great life minus this guy, so why are you still hung up on him? He seems like the big “BUT” in your life. ” I have a great life, great kids, great friends, BUT there’s this guy who cheated on me with his wife”. That doesn’t sound like someone I’d waste another second on.
After already being through one marriage and raising children, I’m sure you already know what is involved in creating a happy and healthy relationship and what is involved in creating a miserable one. Nothing you said about this relationship would lead me to believe it’s the former.
Focus on yourself, your children, and wrap up your own divorce so you can move on and start your own future, not one with this man.
A lot of people are bringing up the point that if he’s tecnically married, then really he’s cheating on his wife with her. And a couple people said that you shouldn’t date married guys.
I know a couple who are both separated and who are living together as basically a married couple. They have committed to each other in every way except for marriage, and they probably never will get married. The man had a spectacularly bad marriage, and it was essentially over for years before he got up the guts to leave. The woman had already been legally separated for years, and they just didn’t divorce because they didn’t see the point. In her case it’s very amicable between her and her ex. They met while both separated, with their marriages over in every way except legally (but both legally separated). He’s divorced now, she is still technically married to her ex. They have a great relationship. Her kid lives primarily with them, and his kids stay with them too on the days that he has them. They function like a family. The kids even call them both “mom” and “dad”. They’re all very happy with the arrangement, as happy as they can be when the kids have divorced parents.
Anyway, long-winded, but my point is that for both of these people, the marriages are clearly over. Just because they haven’t cancelled the marriage contract, doesn’t mean that the relationship still functions. Would you call them cheaters? Would it be ok if the one who’s still married went and slept with her ex?
Remember, whether someone cheats or not is dependent on what is acceptable in the relationship. In open marriages, do you say the participants are cheating when they have sex outside of the marriage? Hard-core religious people might, but those of us who are more accepting would say that if it’s known and agreed-upon, then it’s not cheating. Separation falls into the same category. The parties know the marriage is ending, and that the sexual relationship is over. It’s not a surprise, it’s out in the open. I wouldn’t consider that cheating.
I can tell that you’re trying to associate your noncommittal behavior with his resulting actions, and I think you’re being too hard on yourself. If you really were hurting him or making him feel unsure of your relationship, then he could have just broken up with you. No one forced him to keep sleeping with his wife. You don’t have to run out of one person’s arms and right into another, meaning that he could have dealt with his feelings over your behavior without sleeping with someone.
Just move on and learn your lessons for next time.
Things get a lot more complicated in middle age. If you are dating at that point in life virtually nobody gets through “baggage free”. However, all the talk about “commitment” ” technically he is still married to his wife” etc. is a lot of black and white thinking BS. It sounds like she thought the were in an exclusive sexual relationship, yet she has a lot going on in her life and didn’t want to move in together, be together constantly, and act like they were married to each other. She wanted a sexually exclusive relationship with a lot of freedom on her part to come and go and live her life. He wanted to replace his marriage with a new and improved version. He is needy and his life is a bit of a mess at the moment. He turned to his crazy ex – and yes if they are separated then she IS his ex, to fill up his neediness while he borrowed money from her, etc. etc. So yes LW was betrayed on a lot of levels. He is not the man she thought he was. You can still love someone and know that it is not good for you. MOA.
But I do take issue with the rigidity of thinking that if he is still married (hey divorces are messy, complicated sometimes and SLOW sometimes) that he can also bang his wife even though they are separated when he is in an exclusive new relationship and pressing for a higher level of commitment from the LW. Way to establish TRUST in that new relationship, eh? It shows a real weakness of character in the man and it also sounds like they really want different things out of a relationship at this point which is a huge issue.
Now my REAL advice:
Yikes. What a mess. You’re the mother of FOUR teenagers — focus on them and their needs and stop trying to be one yourself with all this pointless relationship drama. Seriously, you obviously can’t pick a man for shit, so simply give a rest. Wait a few meager years until ALL your kids are out of the house and then try again. Oh, and you know — get divorced already… But as for right now? Go out and buy yourself a vibrator…
🙌
Seriously? Don’t date someone unless they have finalized divorce papers. That means that you yourself need to get divorced too. What you’ve been doing is messy, inappropriate, and setting a bad example for your children. His obligation is legally to his wife, and while he shouldn’t have lied to you, you shouldn’t be dating a man who is still married. Do you know how often this kind of thing happens? ALL the time. Get a divorce yourself and make a rule for yourself not to date anyone who is currently still married to another person.
Your relationship is not fixable. He’s clearly playing you two women off against each other and inventing rules for him that don’t apply to the women in his life.
He never fully left his wife; going back to your wife for sex does not a separation make. But it’s worse; he wasn’t just having sex with her, he was telling her detailed and intimate things about uou that you’d confided to him. That suggests an emotional element to the ‘affair’. He emotionally confided in her things that he should have kept between you. Even more than the sex, that is unforgivable. You’ve been treated apallingly by both of them.
I second avice that ideally one should always wait for someone’s divorce to be finalised – I think when there’s a longterm relationship breakup, it’s best to be sure that your potential partner has fully gotten over the past relationship and its problems and learned their lessons.
HER divorce wasn’t final though, she was only separated
You’re SO LUCKY he paid back 3/4 of the money you loaned to him. Cut this dude off and run like hell!