“He Disinvited Me To Meet His Parents and Took a Female Friend Instead”
After the disinvitation, my parents planned a trip to come to visit me, which coincidentally happened right before my boyfriend’s weekend trip home. I thought that even though I wasn’t meeting his parents, we could organize so he could meet mine for the first time. He agreed, but then he and Jane both booked tickets two days before they had originally planned and before my parents were set to arrive. I was furious. I thought it was a clear sign of infidelity and broke up with him. He begged me to stay and swears that he doesn’t believe he committed any emotional infidelity.
Since then, we have been working hard to build up the trust he broke. It took a good couple of months before he was able to implement some strict and appropriate boundaries with Jane. During this time I found out that he had told her about our fights (that were essentially about her). I felt utterly humiliated. Around eight months later I found out he’d lied about seeing her on our 1-year anniversary (we had dinner planned and he said their meeting was brief). One of my asks was that he keep me informed of when he was going to meet her. Also, he bought her a present (a book), which he’d also bought me, but he hadn’t told me he’d bought one for her.
Every time I think things are working better, I feel like another lie comes out. On the day-to-day things he’s a great boyfriend: he’s supportive, kind, and funny, and he cooked for me every day while I was studying for some exams. But I can’t seem to get past this, and I don’t know if I’m being played for a fool here or if I’m being too hard on him. Do I leave or do I stay? — Not His Jane
You’re fixated on the wrong thing here. In thinking about whether or not you should continue this relationship, you are focusing only on your suspicion that your boyfriend is cheating on you – at least emotionally – with Jane, and you’re obsessing over any potential signs of said cheating, from the kind of gift he gave Jane (and didn’t initially tell you about) to what day on the calendar he spends time with her. This stuff is pretty insignificant though, especially considering that you don’t need a sign to know that your boyfriend has been a disrespectful jerk, which is reason enough to leave him. The fact that he invited you to meet his parents for the first time and then disinvited you because your presence “would be too hard for Jane” is a much bigger deal than the fact that he gave Jane the same book he gave you or that he saw her briefly on your 1-year anniversary.
You say that on the “day-to-day things he’s a great boyfriend,” but his cooking for you while you’re studying for exams doesn’t negate the deep sense of betrayal you feel. It doesn’t matter how funny and kind he is when you have daily dread over a friendship he has with a woman whose feelings he has prioritized over yours on at least one very significant occasion. You call him a “great boyfriend,” but if he’s blowing off an opportunity to meet your parents after two years of dating you by leaving town a couple days earlier than planned, unnecessarily, with a woman he’s bringing home to meet his parents instead of you, he’s not great, and no amount of well-timed, home-cooked meals will make up for how insignificant he’s made you feel.
Bottom line, when deciding whether or not to continue a relationship, pay the most attention to how that person makes you feel. And if it’s not a great feeling, it’s not a great relationship and it’s time to move on already.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
LW1: My jaw almost hit the floor when I read that your boyfriend disinvited YOU, his girlfriend, to “not make feel bad his friend”. At that moment, I would have make him not call me his girlfriend anymore. The cherry in the cake was him flying ahead to not meet your parents. WHAT.
Probably you should learn to not tolerate shit. Those are really really nasty behaviors, and it’s obvious that your bf has been cheating you. Amiga, date cuenta.
Shortcut answer for both LWs: If your significant other has been untrustworthy for >75% of the length of your relationship, MOVE ON ALREADY!!!!!
Yikes…..not to make light of either letter but both guys were terrible liars (LW1 cancels you meeting his parents because Jane can’t deal with two couples? that makes zero sense whatsoever! and LW2 the guy is using Craigslist to solicit sex to test himself? wtf?)….i would be so insulted that #1 they are lying to me and #2 that they think i’m dumb enough to believe the lamest lies i have heard in awhile
For both LWs — stop being so extremely desperate not to be single. Both of your bfs are/have cheated on you and neither of you trust them. From what you wrote, you both clearly understand the situation but are clinging to bad relationships with lying cheaters, because you are so desperate not to be single.
General rule: If the relationship is serious you should have meet the parents six months on. You should have dumped his ass upon the disinvite. Aim higher.
I don’t agree with the general rule you made about meeting the parents 6 months into a relationship. Not everyone is close with their parents or values their approval. Anyway, personally, if I was the first gal I’d be miffed he revoked the invite to meet his folks if he took another woman in my stead. Obviously, he doesn’t want to give her the monogamous relationship she wants emotionally.
It sounds to me like the meeting of the parents was happening at around 4 months or dating though. I agree that the boyfriend was a jerk about the whole trip planning fiasco. But that happened about a year and a half ago….let it go or let him go?
LW- Your BF has been making conscience, sustained decisions to support Jane to the detriment of you. People break up every day, some of those breakups are traumatic and devastating. The fact that your BF believes that he alone can provide emotional support to a woman over a year after her breakup suggests either he wants to be with Jane or he needs to feel like a savior. He is prioritizing her needs, and frankly their relationship sounds toxically co-dependent at this point.
LW – it is long past time to MOA…he ditched you to take another woman to meet his parents…this is not a nice man.
LW1: Sorry, but you’ve got to realize that a guy who disinvites you on a trip and invites a female friend instead and then lies about her and talks about you to her is not that into your relationship. It doesn’t matter if he’s cheated physically or emotionally or whatever. He doesn’t value you. It makes me a little sad that you’re trying so hard to keep him when he’s treating you so badly. This shouldn’t have come to the point where you had to write in and ask what to do. It should be pretty clear that this relationship is over.
If you don’t know that you should leave, after multiple blatant acts of infidelity and being placed behind Jane as a priority, then you shouldn’t be dating, and probably shouldn’t leave the house without a helmet.
yes! Leave! Block!
Setting appropriate boundaries? Gurl pls. The only appropriate boundary and conditions to take him back after the first breakup would have been to delete her from his life entirely.
Yes!
(And lol at the helmet comment :D)
Whatever your boyfriend may or may not be doing with Jane (though I think we all have a pretty good idea,) MOA! He is totally disrespecting you and your relationship. You deserve better.
Oh dear. He must have been a very good cook. And you must have been very busy studying. Listen to Wendy.