“He Doesn’t Make Enough Time for Me! I’m Pissed!”
I’m 30 and I’ve been dating this guy, “Sam,” who’s 32, for a little less then two months now and we’ve been on about six or seven dates in this time. I’m ready to settle down and get married, and even though it’s very early on, Sam has a lot of the qualities I’m attracted too: he is funny, successful, ambitious, and has a good relationship with his family and friends. Things were progressing quite well for the first five dates, but then his boss went out of town on a two-month business trip, and Sam is suddenly too busy to see me as much as I’d like.
Last Friday night, he made plans to have dinner with a friend of his he hasn’t seen in a couple years, which really pissed me off! I’m thinking, he has time to squeeze in a Friday dinner with an old friend he hasn’t seen in years, but he doesn’t have time for me?! I decided to ask where he thought things between us were headed. He said that he really wants to keep getting to know me, but that right now he can’t promise three or four dates a week because of his hectic schedule.
That was almost week ago and I haven’t seen him yet, but I know he had time to hit the race track with some friends, go to a family function, and drive an hour south of the city to hang out with other friends. I’m not interested in a casual dating relationship and thought I was clear with him about this. I’ve decided to go out with him this Friday, but I’m not really looking forward to it anymore. How many more dates do you go on before it’s time to cut your losses and MOA? — Looking for a Husband
When you were clear about wanting more than a casual relationship, Sam was clear that that was something he couldn’t give you right now. He didn’t mislead you, lie to you, or pretend to be interested in anything other than what he’s actually interested in: getting to know you slowly. And if he knew that you, a woman he’s known less than two months, was already feeling possessive of his time and jealous of the attention he’s been giving friends and family (you know, the people you’re glad he has a good relationship with), he would probably move on before you had a chance to do so first.
If it’s a commitment you want, then MOA, and find someone who’s able to give that to you. But quit getting pissed at a guy who’s been nothing but honest and upfront about what he is and isn’t able to give you. That’s just cray-cray.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected].
One of the quickest way to lose a guy is to try holding on to him too tight. I suggest you back off and give him some breathing room, don’t try to rush it. See where the relationship takes you. If he is not moving fast enough for you, then you may need to rethink your options. I would not want to force, physically, emotionally or otherwise anyone into a commttment before he is ready.
Hey LW. I understand 100%. I think the same way. If he really wants to get to know you he would make the time. He doesn’t seem to be doing that and it seems you are unhappy. I say MOA.
I disagree! He may very well be 100% interested in getting to know her, but doesn’t feel he needs to see her 3 or 4 times a week in order to do that, and he’s right! I think LW’s expectations are WAY out of wack. I don’t think there is any reason you can’t form a real and serious relationship with someone by taking is slow at first. Also, why would she expect to monopolize all of his free time, especially if he is in a busy period at work?!? Just because you want to “settle down” it means you have to forgo spending time with friends and family and only make time for someone you’ve been on 6 or 7 dates with? NO WAY!
Why can’t she go with him to his other events with his friends?
If he were ready to introduce her to friends and family, I’m sure he’d invite her. But they’ve only been on six or seven dates! I’d be very unhappy if my brand new (hypothetical) boyfriend/dating relationship expected me to prefer him to dinner with a good friend who I hadn’t seen in years. And I’d also probably be unhappy if he insisted on being included, which would circumscribe the conversation … (From the context of the post, I’m assuming this is a friend visiting from far away–some of my dear friends live abroad, and I only see them once every four or five years. I wouldn’t want to share that precious time with a virtual stranger!)
Agree 100% Demoiselle! Why must a couple spend every waking moment togher? Especially in the beginning???? Shouldn’t he be allowed the time he needs to figure out if she is someone he could be with long-term before introducing her to his friends? I certainly don’t want my friends to parade every person they go on a few dates with in front of me, especially if it’s a friends I haven’t seen in years and want to catch up with!
To some events sure, but you know there are plenty of times where you have planned in advance (meaning before you met the person you’ve been on 6 to 7 dates with in this case) a meet up and they guys don’t want you new girl coming to that particular event. And someone you haven’t seen in a few years you want to take the new person your dating to that? I mean it seems to me like she just wants too much too soon.
Three or four dates a week is A LOT when you’re just beginning to see someone. That’s every other day! This guy obviously has a life and doesn’t work that way, and she’s just being clingy and over-controlling WAY WAY WAY too soon into the relationship. It’s like she’s keeping track of where he is at all times so she can get upset over the fact that he isn’t with her!
Yeah, serious stalker-alert: rattling off where he is every moment he’s not at work and with her…SCARY!
I agree that you should settle down. If I were him, it would scare me that someone seemed so attached after about two months. You are lucky to have found a guy who is well-rounded so to speak … someone who spends time with family, friends, and you. I would be concerned if someone dropped all their friends, family, etc and just devoted all their time on me so soon in a relationship. Wendy’s also right about him being upfront with you about his time commitments, so at least you’re not sitting at home wondering why he’s not calling or seeing you. Maybe the two of you could compromise and if he can’t take you out as often as you like, you can agree to talk on the phone a certain amount each week. On the other hand, if want a different type of relationship right now with someone who sees you as the center of their world (which is fine, if that’s what you want), then you should move on and do what’s best for you.
PS … Wendy, I LOVE your sound effects on this reply. My first thought was “woah” and I giggled when I saw that as the first word in the reply. Also the use of “cray-cray” … priceless.
As a male, let me understand: you see this guy 6 times in 8 weeks and he hasn’t made any declarations or formal acceptance of you as “boyfriend/girlfriend”. Do you really think this amonts to some sort of an engagement? You never even made some sort of agreement as to exclusivity and now you are demanding equal time with other events in his life. If you were my “girlfriend”, I’d unhook you as needlessly clingly and grabby and send you on your way. There are probably some losers who can give a full committment after 4 dates but not the socalled “good men” which I always seem to hear women seem to want.
Well said Elmer.
@LW – remember that movie ‘He’s just not that into you?’ As I was reading the letter, every line in there just screams that he doesn’t make time for you because he’s just not that into you. Your requests show that you are into him more than he is into you. As for advice – if he doesn’t introduce you to any of his friends in the next month, I’d move on. I know it’s not easy…
What letter were you reading? Surely not this post! There is no indication what-so-ever that this guy isn’t into her. He said he wants to get to know her, and he’s made plans with her for the upcoming Friday night. Just because she thinks she needs to see him every free moment he has doesn’t make him “not into her” for disagreeing, it make him a sane, rational person!
my opinion was that if he really wanted to get to know her and show his interest he would involve her in his life. He would say “hey, I’m going to drive down south to see my friends, would you like to come along?” or “on Wednesday I’m going to the race track with some friends. It would be great if you could join me.”
Seriously? Do you honestly expect to be included every time a guy does something in his free time if you’ve only been on 6 or 7 dates?
Yeah he would include her if they were exclusive and more time had passed. After not even two months wherein they’ve seen each other approximately once a week, it’s a little nutso to expect to be included in those types of events. That doesn’t mean he’s not into her, it means he’s into her at a slower -and IMO, normal- pace. A man doesn’t go on 6-7 dates with someone he’s not into, but 6-7 dates is also not a full on commitment. I think if he read this letter, though, he’d be running for the hills. She’s a stage 5 clinger.
Whoa, Wolvie_girl, don’t slash my throat, please. I was just stating my opinion. Her level of interest in him is a lot greater than his in her. That’s all I said. Based on my experience, when a guy likes you, he will try to see you as much as possible. It happened to me recently, and I quickly realized I need to get out of it, since our level of interest didn’t match. I was ‘Sam’ – blew him off, made time for him once, maybe twice a week, never introduced him to my friends… LW and Sam are obviously moving at different speeds. She needs to either slow down and stop making demands on his time, like some of you suggested, or move on, and find someone who moves at the same speed as her.
Since she really likes the guy, I said give it another month, and if nothing changes, then she should move on. At least that’s what I would do. Oh, and date other people in the meantime. (Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!)
After two months of dating someone, if I’m interested in him, I would probably like to see him more than once a week. Otherwise, I would have ended it by now. But that’s just me.
You’re allowed to your opinion, and I’m allowed to disagree! If I think you’re making a wrong assumption, I can certainly point that out, and you can make your case too. It’s a debate of opinions, lighen up a little!
Wow…Making time for a friend he hasn’t seen in years? Attending a family function? How dare he!
Seriously. This guy doesn’t sound bad at all. If he’s been honest and upfront (that’s what it sounds like) cut him some slack.
Better yet – make some time for your friends and family. When he hears about what a great time you’re having without him – maybe he’ll clear some room in his schedule for you! And, if not, well keeping your friends close will certainly help when you move on.
“I’m ready to settle down and get married…”
While I understand that you’re at a point in your life where you have this goal, you can’t rush in to a new dating situation with that focus and intensity without scaring off some guys. You’ve had a handful of dates, yet you’re already trying to place demands on his time and attention with you, as well as what he can do with others during his free time. If you have told him that you’re not looking for anything casual, I’m guessing you’ve told him explicitly or implicitly that you are ready to settle down…but, he doesn’t even know you yet, nor do you really know him. I think his pulling away from you recently is in response to feeling overwhelmed.
If you want to keep dating this guy, you either need to chill out and let this evolve on its own. However, you may have already scared him off.
I agree, but I don’t even see this guy as pulling away (although if she keeps this kind of conrolling and needy behaviour up he certainly WILL pull away)
He’s got a date with her Friday night! If he wasn’t into her, he would not be making dates with her.
You’re right PFG-SCR, this girl is in serious danger of scaring this guy off for good!
She admits that things were “going well” (at least in her mind) for the first five dates, but then he got busy with work. That may or may not be the full story, but regardless she hasn’t seen him in a while, yet she says “…I know he had time to hit the race track with some friends, go to a family function, and drive an hour south of the city to hang out with other friends.” While he may be interested in still dating her, he clearly is choosing to do other things than spend time with her recently.
She needs to align her expectations with his, or she needs to move on. Her whole letter is all about intensity and a sense of desperation, and by what she has shared, she’s communicating these same sentiments to him, as well.
Oh sweetie, you’re not going to find insta-marriage, at least not with someone you’d ever want to marry. I get the biological clock ticking, but would you rather be married as soon as possible, or would you rather have a lasting marriage? You may not have time to fool around anymore, but who the heck wants to be with someone who wants to know by the SECOND MONTH whether or not this is leading to marriage? You don’t know him, he doesn’t know you, and most people don’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t care who they’re married to as long as they’re married. If you’re that desperate to have a family, find a sperm donor or an adoption agency – there’s zero shame in that. But stop putting your overly high expectations and that sort of pressure on the men around you, or it definitely won’t happen that way.
Also, 30 is not what I’d consider running out of time. Chill.
Good advice, Wendy. She shouldn’t fault him for hanging out with friends and family, particularly not someone he hasn’t seen for years. I think this busy schedule just came at a bad time because he hasn’t gotten close enough to her that he’s going to sacrifice his time spent with loved ones for her or necessarily feel comfortable bringing her along to everything he does. I did date someone who was too busy to see me, and it turned out to be because he wasn’t interested/was doing some sketchy things, but there’s no reason to jump to conclusions with this guy. He was honest, so either go with it and see how things go or not.
Lindsay, I had a similar experience. The guy could only make time for me once a week or every other week. Same conclusion – he wasn’t interested in me. Since it happened to me, it’s now a red flag for every new guy that I date. I’m definitely not clingy, nor wanting to get married any time soon like LW, but I just started to pay attention to this small detail.
Definitely. People need time to get to know each other and develop a relationship. But the truth is that normally when people meet someone they really want to be with, they enjoy spending as much time with them as they can. It’s something I look at, too. If a guy I’m seeing has the choice between seeing me and doing anything else, and he always chooses something else, then it seems like it’s for a reason.
@LW: Please slow down. 2 months is nowhere near enough time to know if you want to settle down with someone. You would be setting yourself up for disaster. The fun part IS getting to find out about someone, why skip all the good stuff and dive right in too early?
If you can’t see yourself continuing the relationship at a normal pace, move on but you’ll probably find that the next guy will also feel too much pressure.
I agree TheOtherMe! If she MOA as some are encouraging her to do, I think she will feel the same frustration, because her expectations are unreasonable, not b/c this particular guy isn’t into her!
It sounds like this man is trying to balance all the different parts of his life. I would see this as a positive but I think he and the LW have different relationship time lines. I don’t take this to mean that he isn’t interested in her, or that he doesn’t see her as a potential long term partner. But this is a major disconnect. Maybe not insurmountable, if the LW gets her sense of entitlement and jealousy under control. Otherwise this disconnect will continue to pop up through out whatever relationship they build together. I think the LW has very specific expectations and while you or I might find her time line to be unrealistic, she’s already feeling upset and left out. What happens if they start dating exclusively and he wants to go out for a night with his guy friends? She’s already seeing his social life as something that excludes her. I think she should move on, her expectations are not in line with the kind of relationship she could have with this man. I see a controlling women waiting to come out of hiding here.
While I see nothing wrong with the LW’s want to be on the fast track to marriage, she needs to understand that not everyone gets to know each other the way she thinks that “Sam” should be getting to know her. “Sam” probably needs freedom and likes to get to know people slow. At this point, she needs to decide whether he’s worth waiting on or if this just doesn’t suit her. If she’s willing to wait, she needs to calm down and back off. If she’s not, she needs to MOA. My gut feeling is that she’s probably not willing to wait and should find another boyfriend based on this letter. She wants something that this guy doesn’t seem to want/ be able to provide.
As for the comments about her being included with the friend’s events, I have to say that I agree with demoiselle’s comment. If the friend’s don’t know her, that will be awkward and who wants to spend their “catch up” time with someone that their friend doesn’t even know very well. Also, some people just don’t mesh well. For instance, the overly girly girlfriend and the manly man friends at the dog track- that is just waiting to cause drama.
If you’ve only seen him a handful of times in two months and feel so possessive over his time… I mean, you aren’t even his girlfriend and you feel this way. damn. You need to MOA, asap.
Or at least he needs to MOA
Two months is so, so early in the dating scheme of things. I would say that the first couple months my boyfriend and I began dating, we only physically spent time together once or twice a week. As time progressed, we fit each other into our schedules more and after 5 months we were practically living together.
All relationships progress at different rates, but your two month relationship seems to be going at a pretty normal pace. As long as you have a good time when you’re with him and he makes an effort to talk to you throughout the week, I’d say you have nothing to worry about for now. Be happy that he has a life!
LW – it sounds like you are letting your biological clock is taking over your common sense. You need to take a deep cleansing breath and ask yourself what is the big rush. Six or seven dates in under 8 weeks it not unusual especially at the beginning of a relationship. In fact your letter hints on more than a little desperation which will turn off potential partners.
If you have a marriage time line (for me a sure way to divorce if you try to force a relationship) then why are you not dating a bunch of people. It sounds like the relationship isn’t to an exclusive stage since you have only gone on a handful of dates. Seriously cast out the net and try meeting other people, maybe it will clear up your mind on Sam or maybe you will meet someone else who matches your time line.
But seriously slow down – this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with – rushing into it is a quick way to heart break.
I think she should give him another month, and then ask him again where things are headed. Just because things have slowed, doesn’t mean he isn’t interested in her. Is he calling/texting her to see how she’s doing when they’re not together? If he is, that’s a good clue that he likes her. And what are their dates like? Are they still going out and doing things? Have they slept together yet? If no, and he’s still calling after 8 dates, that’s also a good sign. If yes, is that all they’re doing? Does she go over, have dinner with him, and spend the night? If so, not so much a good sign.
Slow down, give him a break for now. I think after 3 months, he should at least know by then whether or not he’s ready to be exclusive. If he can’t make up his mind about it by then, MOA!!
Ps. it’s also fair for her to ask him to spend a bit more time on the phone if they can’t be together in person. I did that with my current bf when things started to slow down. Just said, I know you have your life and your friends, but it would mean a lot if you’d at least call me before you settle in for the night, so I know that I’m important to you. And he always does when we’re not together 🙂
dang wendy. i could have written that letter, granted i’ve been w/ my guy for two years, but thanks for the hard look in the mirror. same for all the comments.
@LW clingy is not cute… i know. so let’s both do our guys a favor and lay off the insecurities. it’s not easy, i know, but do we really want to be THAT girl?! i know i don’t. i try to remind myself every day that i’m “a f**king amazing awesome catch” (it’s basically my daily mantra) and hope that it keeps the self doubt away… i love amelia’s post and while it’s not really about being clingy, the last part resonates w/ me… http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-girl-talk-knowing-what-im-worth/ not loving ourselves makes for all kinds of issues when we’re trying to love someone else.
ps…(am i in trouble for referencing TF? o_0)
My advise to him is RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! This girl is clingy-needy and her biological clock is ringing like Big Ben. Not saying that it couldn’t work if they both wanted the same thing but its’ obviously not. MOA and don’t let the hit your behind on the way out.
OK that was harsh. The other contributors said it all in a much nicer way. My button got pushed.
Ok, the level of neediness in the letter (and, quite frankly, in some of the comments) is about to make my head explode!!!! Since when does seeing a guy you’ve just started dating once a week mean he’s not into you, doesn’t make time for you, and a possible red flag to move on? Is it just me? Am I the only one with a life bigger and more fulfilling than just a relationship? I have friends and family that I spend time with, and I don’t always include my BF, nor does he expect to BE included every time I hang out with other people. Sure, I spend most of my free-time with my guy now, because we’ve been together for years and are a basically a family, but we only saw each other once or twice a week for dates for probably the first year that we were together. I didn’t feel neglected. While not everyone could be satisfied with so long of a “getting to know you” period, I don’t see how anyone could expect to see someone they’ve been dating for a couple monthes every other day!
There’s nothing wrong with him going out and doing his own thing. Of course it’s normal to expect him to have a life! I think their communication between dates is probably a big clue. I mean, if he shoots her a text in the evening to say “Hey how was your day?” then that’s really great. If he’s talking to her, and sharing with her what he’s been up to, he’s definitely into her. But if she doesn’t hear from him at all during the week from one date to the next, and the only reason she knows his whereabouts is because she grills him and wants to know why he didn’t call… well that’s definitely a bad sign.
I definitely think she needs to get more of her own life, do her own thing and slow down a little. But I also think it’s reasonable for her to ask him again where things are headed in another month or so. Not in terms of settling down, but at least if he’s ready to be exclusive. He doesn’t have to be with her everyday, but after 3 months he should have some idea as to whether he wants to date other people, or just her.
If he was avoiding her calls and texts, then yes, that would be a big sign that he’s not into her, but she hasn’t given any indication in her letter that he’s doing that, just that he’s “suddenly too busy to see me as much as I’d like.” In my experience, guys are pretty straight-forward, if they like you, they’ll ask you out, if not, they won’t. This guy asked her out again, so I don’t understand what she’s worried about!
Agreed, 100%
Also agree !
It just means that we are different, therefore we have different expectations. Just because it happened to you, doesn’t mean that’s the way it happens (or should happen) to everyone. You were lucky to find someone who moved at the same speed as you. Hypothetically, if your boyfriend was ‘needier’ in the beginning of your relationship, what would you have done? Based on your reply to the LW, you would have made more time for him. I’m going to go out on a limb here, and make an assumption that you did date other guys before your boyfriend, and their ‘neediness’ drove you away. If my assumption is wrong, I apologize, and please correct me.
Talking more generally now, I don’t think we need to change who we are to get who we want. If we can’t accept someone for who they are, odds are they’ll do the same, and that’s a recipe for disaster.
Different people move at different speeds in getting to know one another. Some people feel the need to move quickly because once their interest gets peeked, they want to spend as much time as possible with the other person. Some people are interested but don’t see the need to spend every waking minute with the person they are dating because they have other things to do. I think the problem here lays mostly in people not understanding that different people want different things and that it’s ok to not be on the same page as long as you understand what the other person wants/is willing to give.
I did date other guys before my BF, some more/some less available then my current relationship. When I met my BF, he was much busier at the time than me (he worked full time and was in a post-grad program) and very justifiably didn’t have the time to see me more than once a week. He had a social life apart from me at that time too, obviously, so there were times when he went out socially, and I wasn’t included. I didn’t make a stink because it was new, and I had social outings that didn’t involve him either.
I’m not saying I am/was a saint: there were certainly times that I wished I could see him more because I really liked him and we had a great connection, but I didn’t move on simply because I didn’t get everything I wanted when I wanted it. LW is never going to find someone who is perfect for her and gives her exactly what she wants because people aren’t perfect. You have to compromise to make relationships work. You should never compromise your values to be with someone, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t learn and grow and change–when you stop learning and growing and changing, what’s the point of life after all?
I am a better person because of lessons I’ve learned from being with my BF. If things had been smooth-sailing the whole time, I never would have learned those lessons. He and I have both changed for the better because we figured out how to better meet each other’s needs, not because we just magically met each other’s needs perfectly from the start. This new guy she’s seeing could turn out to be the love of her life, or he could turn out to be someone she dated for a while once. She’ll never know which he is if she moves on just because she doesn’t get to see him as much as she’d like to right now.
I’m glad things turned out ok for you. (your comment contains more information than the LW’s letter.) Unfortunately for me, I had the complete opposite experience. After waiting for almost a year for a guy to make more time for me, I decided to cut my losses and move on. I did compromise, I tried to make it work, but it just didn’t happen. I don’t know if I’m a better person, but certainly more on the lookout for red flags such as this.
@LW – there’s a 50-50 chance that this will work. Hope you keep us updated.
You’re right Elle, our experiences definetely color our perspective, and your experiences are much different than mine.
I would just hate for LW (or you) to miss out on a really teriffic guy because his time commitments don’t line up with her expectations. It could be a red flag, but it could just be a great guy who is really busy!
Based on what you’ve shared of your past experience, you were much more patient than LW, she seems to be all about ME ME ME, NOW, MORE, and not really concerned with what he needs or wants. If she’s looking for marraige or at least long-term commitment, she has to consider not just her needs, but her partner’s (or potential partner’s) needs too.
I am just wondering if she has picked out names for their babies yet.
He needs to run away from her so fast that he leaves skid marks.
She does sound very desperate, but I wonder if there’s more to this story. Is she dating other guys? Does she have a social life? If not she needs to get that ASAP and will probably forget the dude. This girl does sound crazy though.
Also, as a guy I’ll be honest. Were not that straight forward when it comes to blowing off a girl…we can be a little nervous about what she might say. Dudes been honest with her for sure, but he might not be sure if he wants to be in any kind of relationship and she’s probably sensing that. In that case find a guy who is but don’t waste your time here.
What’s that bird that delivers babies?
STALK
But seriously, the guy is proceeding with caution, as you should be! Life is not a race, it’s a journey. Slow down & enjoy :o)
hahaha.. Jersey Shore reference.
I’ve been in similar situations before where I feel like I’m being blown off by a guy, I think we’ve all been there. I’ve also been in situations where I feel like I’ve been clear that I want a relationship and not just temporary fun. In LW’s shoes I would blatantly tell him, “I am looking for something real and it has become clear to me that you are not ready for that yet. Maybe one day when we are on the same page we can try again, but right now this just isn’t working for me.” That way, if he really is on par with you then he can stand up and say so, otherwise cut your losses and MOA.
i hate to admit that i understand this chick. im an all or nothing kind of person. after a few weeks i know whether i want to spend all my free time with someone or if i want to get rid of them. i also undertsand that at 30, some women feel like they cant waste any time so they need to speed up the dating process. my friend whos 32 is engaged after a year of dating…
my advice to the girl, is to talk to him, explain her reasons and if shes willing to risk coming on too strong too early, tell him that what hes giving her so far isnt enough and ask if hes willing to jump in and really go for it. HOWEVER, he may go running or he might be looking for what you are… but from what youve said, it doesnt look promising…
maybe he just needs time to become that person you want…
be patient or be bold…
So i was working up a role-play based on your suggestion and here’s how it goes;
LFAH: Sam, I need to talk to you…
Sam: *gulp* FML! (scans for an exit, quickly calculates how the last 8 weeks of his life has turned)
LFAH: What you’re giving me so far isn’t enough and… so are you willing to jump in and really go for it?
Sam: I said, I was down to get to know you and frankly, I don’t even know your middle name so… umm… I have a tee-time in 45 mins and i gtg.
(Short pause)
LFAH: Okay, can I come along?
Sam: No
LFAH: When are you finished? I will call you not a minute later.
Sam: Actually, let me be the one to call you, ok?
But I’m not sure how if that is what you had in mind.
Sorry, I can’t help it. I’m in sales and always thinking of role-play scenarios. Not really trying to be mean-spirited about it.
Me thinks Sam doesn’t do so well in staring contests, jk.
Adding to the male voice on this panel; I really wish I could advice this guy to hit the road. I hear the “biological clock” argument; but I don’t understand why it’s gotta be laid thick on a 2-month old “relationship”.
LFAH there are other options should one need a child that bad, but you are looking for a husband, not a sperm-donor.
Simmer it down 5 notches.
Holy cow, LW….simmer down a little. I am engaged, and my fiance is stationed about 4 hours away from where I live, so normally I get to see him once a *month*, twice if we’re lucky. And it’s always been this way, from the beginning of our friendship through the beginning of our relationship and onward. And things still worked out for us.
Not spending every waking minute of his free time with you doesn’t mean that he isn’t interested in you…it just means he’s busy. At least he has been honest about it.
After reading this letter, I get the feeling that the LW just wants to check the Married box on her life resume. She states that she is “ready to settle down and get married”, which I assume to mean that she’s looking for a partner with whom she can have a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship. Maybe that assumption is wrong, but if it isn’t, she’s really not giving herself the best chance to succeed. LW tells us about “Sam”, her current beau and while admitting the it is VERY EARLY, she’s attracted to because he’s funny, ambitous, successful and has great relationships. Outside of funny, she just listed a bunch of things that require an enormous amount of time and energy on Sam’s part to cultivate. In fact, he’s likely put many years of time and energy into his job and friends/family in order to be where he is today. Of the LW, we only know that the beginning of the relationship has lived up to her expectations but the last week (maybe two?) haven’t and she is upset.
To defend her reaction, she has 1) mentioned she made it clear that she didn’t want a casual relationship and 2) pointed out all of other things Sam has done with his time instead of being with her. On the first point, not being interested in a “casual relationship” can mean a lot of things and miscommunications can easily follow. On the second, all of Sam’s actions seem to be in line with his apparent good qualities, ie., building and maintaining a success career and relationships with friends and family. Outside of not being with LW, it’s hard to find fault in any of them. In the context of length of their relationship, they make the LW sound petulant.
Now LW wants to know if she should “cut her losses”. I have a hard to figuring out exactly what she has lost. A successful marriage/relationship requires great communication, understanding and compromise, yet this letter has a very ME! ME! ME! quality to it. I think the conclusion is clear:
“Sam” should MOA.
i would just like to know how this lady knows where her man friend is every second that he is not with her…. thats just kind of stalker-ish.
Most likely he told her. “I went driving down south to see my buddy this weekend” And she’s left thinking “great…..”
Or she’s stalking him using social media or other things. Who says that this event was planned for before they met. It’s been a little less than two months and she’s expecting him to drop all of his prior engagements and all the other things in his life for her? And while she said to him she didn’t want casual, he came back with well this is what I can give you. Did saying that he couldn’t hang out with her as much as she wanted mean that he should to only go to work and not continue with the rest of is life? It’s been TWO months. If this was happening later in to the relationship I would be concerned. But not at this point.
*I meant to say the event was planned since before they met
Well, to be honest, some people do get married quickly. My bf’s parents got engaged after 2 months, and married with in the year. And they’re still together after 30 years. So it’s possible for this girl to find someone on the same page as her and jump into getting hitched right away. But I really think her chances will be much better if LW slows down a bit and lets things go at a more “normal” pace. If this guy is really that great, give him some time to see how great you are. Marriage is a life-long commitment (or at least it should be), and you should respect him for not rushing hastily into it.
Oh, yeah, somebody needs to MOVE ON ALREADY all right, only this time it’s THE GUY!! Cuz’ girl — You plum bat shit crazy! Seriously! Fortunately, it sounds to me, like he already has. Trust me, you need to slow down. And, uh, maybe focus a little more on yourself, because if this letter is accurate — something is SO NOT right in your world.
LW: “I’m tired of you making me an afterthought! Either show me that you’re committed to this relationship or never see me again!”
Sam: “How the hell did you get in my apartment?”
Wow.
I understand being thirty (I’m thirty-three myself). I understand the biological clock (I am in fact, a biologist). I understand the desire and readiness to settle down.
But in all honesty, if the letter writer wanted to be married and settled down in time to have children, she should have started working on this life project when she was 25, not suddenly doing a relationship rush job when she was 30.
This man has clearly stated his case: he can’t give her what she wants, here is what he can give her. That what she wants is totally unreasonable given the duration of the relationship does not bode well for her in the future.
The LW really needs to decide what she wants in life: a solid marriage (which will take time and is not guaranteed), a child (for which there is limited time and for which there may be no man available, and is also not guaranteed), or marriage now to whoever will have her or who she can trick into going along with (which many of don’t consider a better alternative than childlessness/terminal singleness). Trying to manufacture an instant relationship is going to waste time and drive potential mates off, time that the LW frankly doesn’t have to waste.
3 o 4 times a week seems too much to me. You need time to hang up with your friends, do the laundry, buy groceries, workout at the gym and just do nothing and relax at home, on your own. LW sounds desperate and needy that’s sad. I wonder what she does in her spare time…
Wow!! this girl is crazy!! She’s being clingy and overly possessive with a guy she’s only been out with six or seven times. Believe me dear, he’s better off doing all that stuff he’s doing without you. I mean, wanting to force a man to marry you/commit to something after six dates, when he made it clear he wasn’t at that stage yet?! Sounds like you’re DESPERATE!