Quickies: “He Doesn’t Want to Tell Our Friends About Us”
Three quickies today:
My new boyfriend and I have been dating about six months, but he won’t tell our other friends about us. Some very close people know, but outside of that I’m supposed to act like there is nothing going on. He says that he doesn’t wanna seem like a bad person and doesn’t want mutual friends to have to choose sides between him and my ex. I understand his uneasiness, but my feelings are hurt, and I hate going out places and seeing other girls sit next to him without them knowing that I am his girlfriend. Am I crazy for feeling upset that he doesn’t want everyone to know? Or is it still too soon like he says? — Secret Girlfriend
So, basically, your boyfriend is choosing the approval and respect of your mutual friends over the approval and respect from you. Hmm … doesn’t sound like much of a boyfriend if you ask me. I’d tell him that you’re tired of being disrespected and if he’s so ashamed of dating you that he won’t come clean to his friends about your relationship, you’re going to MOA.
He’s with this friend all day and night at least one day out of each weekend. I have NO problem with him spending time with his friends, but I guess I’m sort of jealous that his friend gets so much time with him while I only get a few measly hours a week. I don’t want him to think I’m some kind of crazy jealous girlfriend, because I’m not! I just can’t figure out how to bring up this issue, or if I should even mention it at all! Maybe it would be better to just let it go and hope things change? — Tired of His Leftovers
The way to bring this up is to say, “Hey, as your girlfriend of over a year, it hurts my feelings that you don’t want to spend more than a few hours with me each week, especially when you seem to have much more time for others. I need to know I’m important enough for you to spend quality time with or I’m going to have to re-think whether this relationship is working.” Asking for what you (very reasonably) want is NOT being crazy; it’s practicing self-respect.
Try this: “Hey, my rent’s due in a few days and I’m struggling to pay it this month after I loaned you $500 dollars over the last few months. When do you think you’ll be able to pay me back?” And if he doesn’t pay you back ASAP, or give you a very good reason why he’s taking so long, please think long and hard before uprooting your life to go be with him.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW1 – Maybe point out to him that people who ask other people to subjugate their own feelings and lie to friends so that their partner can save face is also what most people might consider making moves that point to them being A BAD PERSON. Ask him how exactly he thinks in this abstract day in the far-flung future telling your mutual friends that you’ve been dating all along is going to make them feel better. And then tell him he’s going to look so much worse when you dump his ass for making it clear he considers you embarrassing and then telling everyone how he dated you for months on the DL and made you lie about it. Also, there’s a couple I hang out with – acquaintances more than friends – and they’ve been “not-dating” for a couple of years now because he was technically her boss when they hooked up, so it was sort of weird to openly date. Now it’s weird because they’ve been dating so long they can’t admit they’ve been dating this whole time. So a couple of years down the road, they’re not fooling anyone, and yet they still won’t admit to it – deny it flat-out, actually – so they look like fools. The funny thing is, they look like fools not because of the semi-shady way they hooked up – we all would have gotten over that looping ago – but for trying to fool anyone.
LW1 – OH HELLS NO!! Grow some self respect – if you are hanging out in a group with him and he refuses to acknowledge your relationship then he IS a ‘bad person’. In fact I bet if you polled all the people here, he is showing much shittier behavior by treating you this way than dating his friend’s ex – especially since he was not the CAUSE of the relationship ending. My take is he wants a booty call without having to actually be in a relationship.
LW2 – Have you broached the subject of hanging out with him and his friend? That would allow you as a couple to do something social but still be able to spend time together.
LW3 Being able to talk finances is a vital part of any commited relationship. If you can’t ask him to pay you the money he owes you and which he didn’t seem to have trouble asking you to lend I’m wondering if you should really move closer to him. This relationship doesn’t sound commited or close. If moving to be with him includes living together you definitely must be able to talk finances in all their details. If you can’t do that then you aren’t ready to live together.
LW1 As your boyfriend he should be proud to tell everyone that he’s with you and that your’re with him. If he won’t do that then your relationship has no future.
LW2 Everything isn’t going well. Your boyfriend has his priorities and you’ve come out way behind his friend. The fact that he’s spending a night every week with his friend but doesn’t sound like he’s spending any nights with you is a red flag. If you have to demand or beg time with him I think you’re already through. If he was really into you he would be spending far more time with you. His friend would be the one grumbling about how little time he had for him.
LW1: I second Artsygirl’s “oh HELLS no”. Him being embarrassed about dating you is just.not.cool.
LW2: I’m going to have to agree with at least one previous commenter that everything is not okay in your relationship. Based on past personal experience, I would guess that your boyfriend is planning to break up with you. In fact, he seems to be doing the “slow fade” so that you will get fed up and break up with him first. I would urge to leave with your dignity intact and tell him that you don’t want to waste any more time with someone who can’t make time for you.
LW2: I see my own situation somewhat echoed here…though not as drastic! I’ve actually been struggling with this issue for the entire 1 year of my current relationship, and just don’t know what to do. I get to see my wonderful boyfriend 3-4 nights a week, but I always feel like that time is on his terms only…I would love to be able to see him whenever the mood strikes, but we have negotiated a “schedule” of nights and even though we live very close to one another, the schedule almost never changes.
Our lifestyles and work styles are very different (I work 9-5, he’s a grad student with a wacky schedule) and it helps him to be able to have certain nights free for personal and school projects. I understand that he is busy, but I feel like I constantly have to pretend that I don’t want to hang out with him every night, and I can’t show him that I am disappointed when I don’t get to see him four nights out of the week. I try so hard to be a “chill” girlfriend and let him have space, but I never feel like I get to see him enough. 🙁