“He Only Gives Me Crumbs of a Relationship”
About two months ago I told him I was in love with him. I’m mature enough to not need an answer, but after two months, I was hoping he would make more room for me, by which I mean: plan ahead of time to see me, make weekend plans with me (even if it’s just ONE weekend a month). He is a busy man and works long hours, but all I am asking is that I’m not a last minute plan.
I enjoy the time I spend with him, and it’s great to have someone who values honesty as much as I do, but he says “his emotional restrictions, and my emotional expectations seem to be our biggest problem.” Well, I feel like he feels more emotional expectations from me than I really give him. So despite my strong feelings for him, I decided it was time I do something different.
If what I want is to go out on a date and feel pretty, then I would go out on a date and feel pretty. Not only did I go out on a date with another man, but I told him about it. We have had this exclusive dating policy since we first started seeing each other, but the other policy was to always be honest, and if we were to start dating someone else, we had to be open about it. So I told him about it, and he seemed to get upset. I’m not surprised; I would be upset as well.
I really care about him, but I can’t stay in limbo land with him forever just HOPING for more, or even ASKING for more. This is such a PATTERN for me. I take it longer than I should to move on, finally I walk away, and then weeks or months down the line they come back. I could use some solid advice. — Crumbs
Why are you still hanging on to this guy? What are you waiting for? Your boyfriend has flat-out told you he can’t meet your expectations. Just because you happen to think those expectations are pretty minimal — and they are! — doesn’t mean he’s interested in and/or able to give you more. Clearly, he’s not.
And break the pattern this time. Walk away for good. Practice self-respect. Don’t take back some dude who never gave you what you wanted in the first place. Quit settling for less than what you want. Keep looking for the guy who is going to make room in his life for you. It will take approximately 2-3 weeks to know whether a guy has space for you. He’ll make weekend dates with you. He’ll be in touch a few times a week. He’ll show interest in making plans in the future.
If he doesn’t do those things within those first few weeks, move on. Life is too short to hang around waiting for some dude to turn into what you want him to be when there are other guys out there who already are what you want them to be. Quit wasting time with the ones who aren’t what you’re looking for and be more aggressive in finding the ones who are. That’s the only way you’ll break your pattern and find true happiness.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I agree with Wendy. This guy isn’t at a place in his life where he can give you what you want. It sounds like there is the potential for this to be a good relationship, but not right now. If you want to have a chance with him in the future, tell him what you need and end things and maybe he’ll come back to you when he knows he can give you what you want. And if you’re beyond fed up and don’t want a future with him, wait until he finally calls you and plans a date and break-up with him on that date. Cruel, but quite poetic.
I don’t know if there’s any reason for her to unnecessarily twist the knife. She already went out with someone else while exclusively seeing this guy. If she wants to break up w/him, just do it. Break ups are hard enough for everyone. He’s already stated what he can give and what he can’t. It doesn’t make him a bad person to not have time for her. He doesn’t sound like an abuser or a cheater or anything, just a workaholic who still hasn’t processed the BS from his last relationship. And it doesn’t make HER a bad person to want more from a boyfriend. They both just need to find more compatible people.
Dear lord. When did comments become so serious around here? I swear there needs to be a “THIS IS A JOKE. NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND SHOULD ACTUALLY DO THIS” font.
I am always amazed at how long it takes people to move on. He can’t/won’t plan a freaking date in advance with you and you’ve dated him for 5 months? Wendy is so right with this specific timetable – if someone has room for you in their life – you will know in 2-3 weeks. He clearly didn’t. Retake your life and move on to someone who won’t wait until the last minute to hang out with you in case something or someone better comes along.
Love Wendy’s response. I wish more women truly understood this. I wish more of my good girlfriends truly took this to heart. If the guy you’re with isn’t the guy you want, someone else out there IS. We all get so caught up in trying to make flawed relationships work, when sometimes what we really need to do is to stop trying and start figuring out what we really want in a relationship.
When I broke up with my ex boyfriend who never had time for me, after all the tears and heartbreak had subsided, I suddenly felt like the whole world had opened up. Instead of trying so hard to squeeze myself into his busy life, which he obviously didn’t want, I could find someone who actually wanted to spend time with me. I think we all need to be clear with ourselves as to what we are looking for in a partner, and it’s not all about hair color and height and taste in movies. High on that list should be values and priorities and yes, even available time compatibility. Only then, when we’ve taken the time to acknowledge what is really important, will we be open to finding someone who will WANT to give us the whole cake and not just the crumbs.
Why don’t you just ask him to agree to a compromise, like seeing each other 1 weekend day per week or something. That way he can still do all his other stuff that gets pushed aside during his extremely busy work week.
Totally agree with Wendy, and nothing to add of my own, except the ubiquitous…
“A guy who wants to be your boyfriend won’t spend much time acting like anything else.”
Maybe he’s been hurt in the past and finds it hard to open up his heart to someone? I wish LW had really given this guy a chance to explain himself before going out with another guy. I think that if it is trust issues that this guy has, LW has shot to hell any chance of eventually getting him to be emotionally open… And may have even made things worse for him. At the very least, LW, you should explain to him why you did all you have done. He needs to hear it if he hopes to eventually be able to be in love.
I’d tell him, “I really don’t want to hurt you, but this relationship isn’t satisfying for me. I should have let you know before I went out on a date, but for now at least I’m not ready to have a monogamous dating relationship with you. I’d be happy to continue to make plans with you, but I’m going to be making plans with other men as well because my goals involve finding a real life partner at this point in time.” (& I’d also say, “I don’t want to be physically intimate with you or anyone else while I’m dating multiple people,” but that’s your choice.)
If he wants to, he’ll make sure he’s the only guy you end up dating. I think your impulse is correct, however, to get out & keep looking, because this guy probably isn’t it.
I’m confused about what the problem is here… you’re unhappy in your relationship to the point of seeing other men. What more proof do you want or need that your 5-month boyfriend is donezo here?
You’re not even asking if it’s time to MOA — you already did, by seeing someone else despite being “exclusive” and “honest.” You’ve got one foot out the door, now get the other one out and go find someone who will actually make time for you 🙂
This is what you shoul say to him LW:
“This relationship isn’t satisfying for me. I should have let you know before I went out on that date. I’m sorry I hurt you by doing that. I don’t want to hurt you, but I want a boyfriend that is there for me emotionally, will make time to see me on weekends, wants to be with me, loves me and can’t wait to see me again. You have made it clear that you don’t want this so I have to leave. If you do want what I want then maybe we can work it out, otherwise I’m going to be dating other men and eventually find that person that will give me the statisfying relationship I need.”
This is honesty and you have to do this!
Awesome advice, Wendy. And as another commenter said above, and as we often say around here, people who want to be your boyfriend will ACT LIKE YOUR BOYFRIEND. I’m so, so tired of women settling for nothing, and trying to justify it with statements like “He has baggage” and “He’s really busy.” How many times do we have to say it – We’re ALL busy, and we ALL have baggage! But guess what, that doesn’t prevent the vast majority of us from having solid, healthy, meaningful, long-lasting relationships with other human beings. Because if you care about someone enough, you work through your baggage, you make time for them, and you prioritize them in your life. If you aren’t doing those things – it ain’t the right relationship for you.
You can’t turn this dude into the boyfriend you want him to be. The fact that you’re manipulating the situation – by going out with other dudes – to try to get this guy to be the partner you want him to be is a SURE sign that you need to move on. If you’ve resorted to going out with other people in hopes of making your relationship BETTER (backward, much?!)…it’s time to MOA.
This guy isn’t your boyfriend. Not sure what he is, but I am sure that continuing to date him is going to be a long miserable road. If you want to feel pretty, get dressed up, & have a guy take you out, devote time to you, that’s great! Do it! Without this guy in your life… He already knows you’re there, that you’ve been there for 5 months putting up with his crap, so he’s not going to try any harder. He doesn’t want to & frankly he doesn’t have to. Why do you think you have to settle for “crumbs”? What are you getting out of this? Nothing! Except for headaches & heartaches, absolutely nothing. Don’t revolve your world around trying to make him “give you more,” you’re only making him feel more important. Revolve your world around making YOURSELF feel important. Be strong, cut your losses. This guy is NOT going to change, at least not for a long time & def. not while he’s with you. As Wendy said, break your pattern.
Not that you should necessarily stay with him, but LW, did you ever actually talk to your boyfriend about this? Because everything in your letter is about hoping it would get better and you can’t expect him to know it’s a problem or make an effort to fix things if you don’t actually tell him! Though, really, if you’ve gone on a date despite being in an exclusive relationship, you should move one because I don’t see how you come back from that kind of mistake. Lesson to learn from your described pattern: Don’t HOPE for more, ASK for more and if it’s not gonna happen, MOVE ON.
Oh dear. Dear dear dear. I’m going to use your cake analogy again because I like cake. 🙂
Out of your relationships, you want a hypothetical piece of delicious devil’s food cake. Moist, rich, and delectable.
You go to another man out of spite because you want attention. Other man gives you a decent piece of spongy lemon cake–ok, but not ultimately what you’re after.
And your guy? He is giving you that “no fat, low calorie” piece of healthy carrot cake that’s been left in the oven too long so it’s dry as cardboard. And no frosting. Gross.
LW, you want to go for the yummy devil’s food but let me tell you, your man is NOT going to give it to you. MOA and go find your cake and eat it somewhere else.
i would really like to know how you love someone after two months if you only see him rarely… you complain about him not even giving one weekend a month, how can you fall in love with someone who you pretty much never see?
i dont understand that.
i completely agree with everyone who has said that you need to find someone who will meet your needs, and you need to voice your needs. maybe not on the first date, say I need X, X and X in order to be happy, but atleast be grown up enough to say, you know what? this isn’t working. IM NOT HAPPY. i am leaving.
i think you should not date anyone until you work through those issues… and mature a little bit. that whole going on a date while still being with your boyfriend thing? totally immature.
First off, why is your bar so low?
You told him you loved him, and then let him treat you like garbage. Gurl.please.
Second, if you thought playing a passive aggressive tactic of “dating another man”, would make him jealous, scared to lose you, youre wrong.
You lost the ability to hold power when you have him an all access pass to your kitty, with no standards. You let him use you at his discretion for far too long. You kept giving and giving him space and time, and hes playing you like a violin.
You needed to set boundaries from the start. Not return calls right away, after hes ignored you all week. Not give exclusivity if he’s not romantic enough. Not be available for the weekend or any other night last minute. Go out with other friends or be unavailable so that he knows the only way to see you is to plan. If you dress up, and he doesn’t, call it out immediately, without being hostile. No giving head or anything else when he doesn’t earn it.
He has no incentive to change because you already established the bad behavior standards and there’s no reason for him to try now.
There is no path forward with this man. Drop him, move onto the next, and keep your legs and mouth closed until you made the new guy earn it, and only if hes respecting your boundaries and meeting your criteria.