“He Slept with my Best Friend”
I was seeing a man — “Rob” — last summer, whom I agreed to keep things casual with until, you guessed it, we fell for each other. He started taking me on romantic dinners, telling me how he cared for me and buying me lovely gifts. However, I was set to leave for a graduate writing program in the United Kingdom. He and my friends threw me a fabulous going away party. He stopped short of telling me he loved me, saying, “I love this, I love that and I love…” and trailed off. The day I flew to the UK he gave me his suitcase and e-mailed me THREE times to check on me. He messaged me in October to wish me happy sweetest day.
Our contact stalls a bit in November and I’m inclined to give him up. However, the first week of December less than a week before I come back, he talks about how he’s missed me and is looking forward to spending the holidays with me. But then he blows me off all winter break and doesn’t see me, save once, in three weeks. I then discovered that he slept with one of my best friends while I was away. Horribly enough, this is a friend who identifies as a lesbian. I cut off contact with the both of them. But before I did that, I destroyed his suitcase before giving it back to him, cussed him out in a Starbucks, gave him a souvenir UK condom and told him to take it and fuck himself.
I felt so hurt and broken after I found what happened. I stopped eating and couldn’t get out of bed for all winter break. I pulled myself back up, got a power haircut and generally feel better. But now that I’ve returned to the same town, I hate to say: I miss him. I see the places we went and think about what great times we had. It’s been six months since I’ve seen him. He’s the only person I’ve ever really liked. (I dated in the UK, but nothing serious and now that I’m back home I haven’t dated at all.) I’ve recently experienced a loss in my family and it might feel nice to have someone in my corner, even as a friend. Is it worth it to open the lines of communication again? Am I crazy? — Crazy Girl
No, you aren’t crazy. You’re hurt. Two people you liked and trusted betrayed you. Even though you and Rob weren’t in a committed relationship and you were both free to date other people, it was wrong of him to string you along and act as if he were interested in pursuing something with you only to sleep with one of your best friends. And it was equally wrong of your friend to sleep with Rob! But people make mistakes. They do stupid things. On the scale of stupid things people can do to one another, I wouldn’t put this indiscretion on the more extreme end, but whether it’s a forgivable act or not is entirely your call and there are several things you need to consider before you potentially reach out to reignite a friendship or relationship with either of the two people who betrayed you.
First, since it’s a friendship with Rob that you specifically asked about, I’d suggest you decide whether you’ve had enough distance to really move forward. Do you still feel angry? Bitter? Incredibly hurt? Or, have those feelings been replaced by more ambiguous emotions, like loneliness, for example? And if it’s loneliness that you’re feeling, how can you be sure it’s Rob you really miss and not simply the company of someone who makes you feel good? There are other guys out there besides Rob. Instead of trying to reignite something with someone you may have some mixed/unfinished feelings for, you could commit to meeting new people with whom you don’t have any baggage.
If what you want is a friend to help you through a rough time in your life — the loss of a family member — then you can really do better for yourself than a guy who broke your heart, even if you do have good memories of your time together. What you need is someone for whom you don’t have complicated feelings to lean on. Aren’t there other friends in your life? What about the other people who threw you a going away party before you left for the UK? Can’t you rely on them for companionship and support right now?
I’m not saying you should never reach out to Rob again, but until you have a better handle on your emotions and on the reason why you want to talk to him again, I’d hold off. If it’s friendship you want, he is not the best choice for you right now. If it’s a romantic relationship you’re after, then be clear about that and ask yourself whether you can really move past the feelings of hurt and forgive him for his betrayal. And be prepared that he may not be receptive to you. It’s been six months, after all. You did not end things amicably. He may have anger and hurt on his end you’ll have to deal with. He may have moved on with someone else. If you aren’t prepared for all of that, don’t contact him yet. Wait until you aren’t so vulnerable and can deal with any potential fall-out or disappointment that might arise in contacting Rob after all this time.
Also, what is a “power haircut” exactly?
Follow along on Facebook, Instagram, and Threads.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
I really wish I could have been in Starbucks that morning. No better way to start a day than witnessing a little ‘go fuck yourself’ confrontation.
Moving on…I think you aren’t being completely honest with yourself. You say you want a frienship with him, but then go on to say that you miss him and you haven’t dated anyone since. That to me suggests that you still have googly eyes for him. Losing a family member is hard and definitely makes people go through a lot of self reflections like ‘life is so short I should go after the one I love’. I just don’t think going after him is a healthy decision.
To quote another commenter, “When I pictured my fairytale I didn’t want to picture him getting a blow job in a car by another girl” or something along those lines. There are other fish in the sea, and this guy has already proven he has the capability to really hurt you. Why would you give him that chance again? Also how do you know he will feel the same way? You seem to be in an emotionally sensitive state, and I just don’t think now is a good time to put your heart of the line for someone who has already proven he doesn’t have a lot of respect for it.
The support of a friend is definitely what you need right now, I just don’t think he’s that person. Plus since you weren’t friends to begin with, I think that would be a really awkward transition to make now 6 months after all communication has stopped.
I agree with this completely. I don’t think you’re over this guy yet. And as someone who knows waaaaaaaaaay too well how painful it is to strike up a “friendship” with someone you’re not yet over, my advice is DON’T DO IT.
Just stay away. Reach out to your friends, old and new, and do things with them. Make NEW memories, with friends, at the places you and Rob used to go. Date other guys. It’s okay to go out with someone once or twice just for fun, even if you don’t see yourselves having a future together. It really, really is (as long as you’re not stringing them along or anything).
I promise, he is NOT the only guy out there you are capable of falling for. You just need some more time away from him to open yourself up to other possibilities.
Oh I just thought of a quote that might help you right now, “The first step to betrayal is trust”. I heard that one time after I had a huge blow out with a friend, and it really put things into perspective. Kind of like the power haircut, it made me realize I have control over my life. I can choose who I let in and who I give the chance to hurt me. I just don’t think this guy deserves another chance with you.
In this case, there is no harm in contacting him again. You may learn that there clearly isn’t anything there (or left) anymore, and you can Move On with a clear conscience. That has value to you.
On the flip side, you may also find that the flame still burns on his side as well, and together you can start fresh. That definitely has value for you!
There is a 3rd option which I am reluctant to offer because I’ve learned that humor is rarely appreciated here but, as a writer, I say turn your letter into a screenplay and try to get it published! 🙂 I’m envisioning Jennifer Aniston as the “woman scorned”…
Anyway… A good love always deserves a 2nd chance.
I don’t think reaching out to him will help her clear her conscience, it’s going to draw all of this out way longer than it has to. This guy is not worth a nanosecond of her time.
Oh god, not Jennifer Aniston anyone but her. All her movies are terrible.
Wendy, I think a “power haircut” is one in a style you’ve always wanted but never had the balls to get. 😀
LW. Wendy’s right, people mess up, but you weren’t really in a “relationship” either so, this is one of those things where you’ll have to weigh your “missing him” versus your ” I feel betrayed by him” and make a decision. You also mention that you dated in the UK so obviously you knew that you were not in an exclusive relationship with him.
Yeah I thought “power haircut” is one of those things you always wanted to do but never did, and now that you’re single it’s supposed to signal taking control back over your life.
Exactly– its the daring, hot, trendier and usually but not always shorter or at least more layered cut you always told yourself you would get but then every time you go to the salon you always meekly ask for the usual. But now, now you are strong and powerful and in control and you have fantastic hair.
I pictured a bob when I read about her “power haircut.” I’m not sure why.
For me it would be extremely short bangs…
I pictured a pixie cut. Something very Emma Watson post Hermione hair chic.
aww, I hope it was a mohawk. Now there’s the power haircut that has it all.
I got a bob after a particularly bad break-up. The Power Haircut is the best way to make you feel fierce and like a new person…it kind of disconnects you from the person you where when you were with “him.”
Oh, like this?
Circa 2007. That was after months of growing it out, too. It wasn’t a post-breakup cut, though. Let’s just say there was an accident at that salon one day and leave it at that.
Its really cute Wendy 🙂
aw but that’s so cute! Like early Mia Farrow!
Exactly!!
I agree its cute. But I have curly hair too and though sometimes (when the planets are aligned and the humidity is in that 0.5% range of acceptable) its adorable, when its too short it kinda sproings up out of control. I get more of a ‘fro than a bob.
I am the mistress of the power haircut.
After my first heartbreak in college, I went from long, boring straight blonde hair to short, red mohawk. It was badass, if I do say so myself!
I am green with envy(and waaay too old to do it now.) But all kudos to you and your red mohawk.
Ha ha why thumbs down? People don’t like mohawks?
You gave him a souvenir UK condom and told him to take it and fuck himself? You are my hero.
Yeah, don’t ruin that beautiful send-off by calling him again!
I’m tearing up over here.
What silver_dragon_girl said! For the love of god, this is one of the best kiss-offs I’ve ever heard actually spoken out loud in real life, please let that be the last he ever heard from you.
Do it for the Dear Wendy-ites, if not for yourself 🙂
Although I’m a little curious why you thought to buy a UK souvenir condom in the first place? Assuming you got it while you were still over there.
But this is coming from someone who is practically allergic to ‘souvenirs’ and tchotchkes and ‘decor’ and… clutter. So I wouldn’t know if souvenir condoms are what the cool kids are doing these days.
I got a jar full of NYC souvenir condoms when I was visiting! Just for fun 🙂
I have those too!
There are some pretty funny ones (once when I was in the UK I saw one with a picture of Vader that read “I will not be your father,” one that said “Wanna see my Big Ben?” “I got your crown jewels right here”). There are also plenty with the Underground logo, etc. When I took my then-nineteen year old sister to London for her first time, we pawed through a container of them because she was thinking about getting some for her friends back home.
ALL THE TIME, I wish I would’ve done that to my ex! He was always super conscious of the way he looked to other people & he HATED public displays of anything, affection or fights. He would suppress any anger towards me when we were out or w/ his family, then wait to hash it out when we were alone. It was a Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde thing. I fantasized for a long time of doing something of what the LW did, but in front of his family! EPIC.
Please, LW, I’m living vicariously through you, don’t ruin it!
I want the LW’s autograph!
Totally agree with Wendy.
Also, LOTS of awesome points for giving him a condom and telling him to go fuck himself.
Personally, I would be more upset with the fact that he completely ignored me when I came home than that he slept with my friend when I was away. You guys weren’t together, and while he should’ve stayed away from your buddies, if you guys have a lot of mutual friends and run in the same circles, it might’ve been difficult. I actually slept with an ex’s friend once and he was livid–but I was shocked when I found out how angry he was, because I hadn’t even been thinking of him as “my ex’s friend” at the time. So depending on the circumstances, I think that could be forgivable. That said, I would be extremely hurt that I was gone for months, and when I came home, he made little to no effort to see me. Isn’t that the only sign you need to show that he doesn’t really care about you? Even if you decide that you want to pursue something with him, I see no signs that he is interested in pursuing something with you. It seems that he moved on shortly after you moved away, and you need to move on as well.
By the way, I think if you had met someone else, you wouldn’t be thinking twice about this kid. But when options seem scarce, we all have a tendency to go through our mental rolodex of loves and hookups, even when they kind of sucked. Just be patient. You’ll meet somebody new soon enough. Being lonely is not a good reason to reach out to someone who’s hurt you so badly.
Yeah I didn’t know a polite way of saying that it seems like he’s just not that into you, but I think you did a great job. I think since she already seems a little emotionally unstable reaching out to him would be a very bad idea because i’m not even a little bit convinced he wants to get back together, and that blow to the ego would not be great for her right now.
You are a strong woman! Be proud of how you handled the situation (perfectly i might add). it sucks to be lonely, so find other avenues to fill the void. this guy is NOT worth your time. focus on yourself, meeting new friends, doing new things and meeting the RIGHT guy, not some chump who would cheat on you with your best friend, yuck! you’ll find that in time you won’t even think about this guy anymore.
I say MOA.
Kind of curious whether he slept with your friend the whole time you were away…or if they just experimented together once or twice. If the latter, it doesn’t seem a big deal to me (at least, not a deal-breaker)… Also, why did he blow you off over the holiday? Did he know the friend was going to tell you & he was ashamed? Or…?
I’d take a chance & see if he wanted to get…not coffee…a milkshake or something to catch up & get a better read on the situation.
BUT I would ABSOLUTELY NOT look to this guy to fill any sort of emotional void. Talk to friends & family! & take things with the guy very slowly if you think they can move forward at all.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No one is calling out the LW for the things she had control over in that situation? Her behavior was atrocious! Yes, I understand being hurt and upset – I have been hurt and upset in similar ways. But that is no excuse losing control of one’s emotions (or sense of decorum, or respect for someone as a human being, or…) and behaving in that manner.
Did she even listen to what her ex-FB and her ex-BFF had to say about the situation? Sometimes people make poor choices, especially when substances are involved. Not to excuse the dim-witted choice of her FWB, but (1) it doesn’t sound like they were exclusive, and (2) it sounds like he was willing to admit his mistake and move on /with/ the LW because maybe that was the stupid mistake he needed to make to realize that he wanted to be committed to her. $10 says he’s now glad that everything happened that way, because otherwise he’d be in a committed relationship with someone who doesn’t handle situations in a manner that befits an adult.
There’s this crazy-good thing called Forgiveness that can be a much better response to hurtful news. Doesn’t mean you have to be friends with someone or continue a relationship with them, but it’s incredibly freeing and doesn’t involve a bunch of strangers who unfortunately found themselves in that Starbucks that morning. It must have been incredibly uncomfortable for her ex as well as the customers who didn’t ask to witness that.
People will probably jump on me for all of the above, but I should also state that I don’t think one crazy-act means that the LW isn’t a good person. Yes, I understand the desire for support in a tough time; my heart goes out to the LW for her loss. I sincerely hope she has some good friends in her corner whom she can rely on to give her support. I hope that she uses this opportunity to seek new ways to grow, so that she can create room in her life to have the love that she wants.
Only way to grow is up.
I agree with this comment almost entirely – except I think there is the slight possibility that her ex-FWB (if he is, indeed, humbly apologetic and she is, indeed, humbly apologetic) might consider Forgiveness for LW herself! : )
No harm in at least getting together to see what the situation is like because from the letter it sounds like there has been a lot of miscommunication.
Yeah but her throwing a condom at him in a Starbucks and telling him to go fuck himself is way too funny for me to judge her. Seriously – picture it and try not laughing. Yes maybe some customers would have been uncomfortable, but i’m sure a lot would have been like, “mmhmm you go girl, been there”. I just can’t bash her for doing what i’m sure many women have wanted to do at one point or another.
I get it – it’s a little crazy, but WAY more funny than crazy. It’s a tough call, but I think here the awesomeness of it wins.
It’s slightly funnier if you replace the condom with a dildo. Never underestimate the hilarity of somebody busting out a dildo in Starbucks. Putting the condom ON the dildo would shatter all existing records of awesomeness.
Agreed, if I was in that Starbucks and I saw that go down, I’m pretty sure I’d be telling everyone that story for weeks because of how awesome it was, not because of how uncomfortable I was.
Completely agree. I can’t believe how many “you go girl” comments there are when she basicly threw a huge temper tantrum, destroyed his stuff, screamed at him and cussed him out in public. Would any of you feel the same way if it was a man who acted like that to a girlfriend that cheated on him? If that’s handling it “perfectly” is hitting the other person an “over-reaction”? Getting hurt sucks, a lot, but its no excuse to act like a brat. The best revenge truly is living well, and I suspect only age and wisdom can teach that lesson.
Yes. There is also the Rule of Funny. This applies when something is so damn funny that it qualifies any and everything else. So thanks, Captain Buzzkill.
No, honestly, I agree that she overreacted. Ruining someone’s stuff is NEVER a good answer. The hissy fit in the Starbucks might have been funny, and the condom thing was a classic one-liner, but I’m a little surprised at how “you go, girl” everyone is.
I read this comment as LW asking permission to forgive, which I think she should.
I assume a power haircut is one of those cathartic haircuts where you chop off all your hair to have a symbolic “new self” or “fresh start”. Kind of like the idea you can “wash that man right out of” your hair. Nerd alert: I was in South Pacific way back in High School. 🙂
I always sing that song in the shower when I’m shampooing
Oh honey, I don’t think you want Rob or even a boyfriend, I think you want a band-aid. You’ve had a shock, you’ve had a loss and you’re lonesome and wanting to feel better so you’re thinking back to the last times you’ve felt truly good. And you’re emotions are going, “Rob made me feel good (until he didn’t), he can make me feel better (until he doesn’t).” Right now, reach out to your family, reconnect with the friends you left behind when you went overseas and grieve your loss. Don’t even think about men and dating until you’re feeling more settled and less lonesome in general.
By then, I’m willing to bet that Rob won’t sound so interesting to you, but if he does consider carefully what it is you want from him and make tentative contact. He may not be interested, or he may appear interested in order to get the ego boost of you being interested in him but then not take it any farther. You’ve got to be emotionally prepared for both of those eventualities, and right now you’re not. Also consider that he behaved badly in your absence, but then so did you. It’s true that he slept with your friend and then ignored you when you were home (which to me is the most egregious offense since you two weren’t exclusive) But it’s also true that you destroyed his suitcase– and he has every right to be angry about that. If the break-off had been amicable then my response might be different, but it wasn’t so any resumption of communication will likely be messy.
So when you’re ready to start dating again, I would keep all of my options open if I were you. If you’re still interested in Rob, then see what comes of it, but date around with new men as well. Truthfully, Rob doesn’t sound like a winner so I know you can do better, and I have serious doubts as to whether he’d be interested in you at this point since he wasn’t when you were home over the holidays before you got mad at him.
To me, this sounds almost identical to that FWB etiquette letter last week.
LW never mentioned sitting down and discussing exclusivity with Rob. It seems like she assumed his feelings had changed, but they never had a conversation about it. Sounds like a pretty clear-cut case of two people who can’t communicate with one another making assumptions about how committed the other is to their “relationship”.
So, yes LW, go ahead and open the lines of communication with Rob. It doesn’t seem like the two of you had much success in that department in the past, so perhaps this is a nice place to start.
I partially agree with this. Clearly, LW assumed and imagined that the FWB nonrelationship had become more than it actually had become. Bob couldn’t bring himself to say he loved her. They didn’t discuss exclusivity. The back-and-forth while she was in Europe was sporadic. Sounds like he liked her, but didn’t see the two of them in an exclusive relationship. Not something one partner should simply assume. If exclusivity was important to her and she felt their ‘relationship’ had morphed into a lot more than FWB, then she owed it to herself to make sure they discussed this before she departed for months. Is there such a thing as a LDR FWB that is assumed to be on-going and preclude sex with others? Haven’t heard of this.
If there was no discussion of exclusivity, then Rob didn’t betray her.
There is the whole issue again of ‘owning’ friends. If they are merely FWB and not a couple, why shouldn’t another friend be able to engage in FWB with Rob, while she’s away? When an angry LW writes ‘one of my best friends’, it is hard to tell whether this is her third best friend or something closer to a girl she bumped into at school once a week. It seems irrelevant that this girl described herself as a lesbian. Does this somehow make the ‘betrayal’ worse? I probably get flamed for this, but I don’t think you can ‘betray’ one side of a FWB relationship, either as the other side of the relationship or as a same-sex friend. Isn’t that the whole point of FWB?
Also, not clear from the letter whether or not the LW dated in England only after learning of the ‘betrayal’ or prior to that. If prior, how is that so different from what Rob did?
BTW, Rob has clearly moved on. He could contact LW if he wished to do so. LW should also move on. How do you gracefully move from ‘go fuck yourself’ to “I want you to take me back”?
No secks. And the guys she dated there weren’t his best friend. I am not saying it’s right, but that’s how the double-standard went this time.
I say if you call try to regain contact with this guy, you can also kiss your dignity good-bye.
Get new friends & MOA. I know losing a family member is tough, but it doesn’t merit returning to some douche that ignored & betrayed you.
Use that power haircut & get ahold of yourself. There are plenty of other men out there who will not sleep with your best friend while you’re away.
You said it, LTC!
Maintain your dignity and focus on doing the things that build your self esteem, LW.
When someone toys with your emotions and betrays you, you don’t give them the chance to do it again..
I suspect the reason you want to reach out to him is a mix of not being fully over him, never having really liked another person, and being lonely. When you don’t have much experience with other people, it’s natural to gravitate back to the “default setting.” In your case, Rob is the default setting. But I think you need to stay the course and continue to get over him. If you reach out to him out of loneliness and not knowing anything else dating-wise, you could set yourself up for a very painful on-and-off-style of relationship. You need to spend some time with friends, learn to enjoy being single, and meet new guys who haven’t hurt you the way he did. Because let’s face it, no decent guy who’s genuinely falling in love with you has sex with your lesbian friend. He’s what you know, not the best you can do.
“He’s what you know, not the best you can do.”
I really like that. Very eloquent phrasing, RR 🙂
i have noticed that in almost every letter on here, there is one phrase or sentence or something from the comments that basically sums up the answer of the letter.
“He’s what you know, not the best you can do”
yep, thats this letter’s quote.
Whew, thank God they kept things so casual. Who knows what would have happened had things gone so off the rails and they were serious!! Sorry, but this letter just reeks of pointless self created drama, drama, drama! I mean the was never even remotely close to being her boyfriend and here she goes all Fatal Attraction on his ass… Only this time it’s a suitcase standing in for a dead rabbit. Actually, truthfully, that’s the only thing that really interested me here — that suitcase. Such a strange, curious detail… “The day I flew to the UK he gave me his suitcase…”
Huh? What does this even mean? Why? Was she just too broke to buy a suitcase and so he loaned her one for the trip? I suppose that’s it, but it’s such an odd, random detail.
Later (of course!) she destroyed that suitcase! Not to mention a clever obscenity laced tirade she unleashed on not only him but unsuspecting Starbuckers. (Trust me, girls AND guys, telling someone to go fuck himself in public does NOT make them regret treating you poorly. To the contrary, it tends to make one think that they REALLY dodged a bullet.) Okay, let’s see. Ruined suitcase, fuck you in Starbucks… Wowee! Impressive! I’m sure all the other 8th Graders were very impressed. What? This was a graduate level course? Wow, you’re only in the Eighth Grade and taking college graduate classes? Huh? Oh, really. You’re in college. Oh, so you’re actually an adult. Oh. Wow. Huh. Coulda’ fooled me.
BGM, I am sure you will get some purple thumbs, but I am laughing my ass off.
haha… Bittergaymark, no matter if i agree with you or not, you are always funny.
oh, and i definitely do agree with you here!
Everyone is sugar-coating this and not getting to the meat of it. Who says he’d want to resume any contact with the LW again?
Remember, she destroyed his property (the suitcase he loaned her), yelled at him in public, and insulted him (the dressing down in Starbucks, complete with a “go fuck yourself”?). All because they had a non-exclusive relationship and he slept with another woman, which was completely acceptable because him and the LW were not dating.
Yes, he committed the faux pas of stringing her along a bit, but did it really warrant that kind of reaction? Was he expected to be celibate while she was in the UK? Without any commitment from her? Had the sexes been reversed, we’d be telling the guy (now girl) to move on.
This LW is probably feeling a little guilty and yeah, a lot lonely over the fact that her public meltdown got around and she CAN’T get a date. I wouldn’t want to date someone who has public temper tantrums like a toddler. She needs to figure out what she wants in a relationship, get someone to talk to about her issues, and then wait a long time before dating. She needs a friend, not a lover.
Finally, another voice of reason. Prepare to be massively thumbed down. But seriously, I don’t get how so many of the other comments fail to address just how psycho the LW comes across. They weren’t exclusive. She WAS dating others! Why shouldn’t he? Or is it that he seduced a LESBIAN? Seriously, what gives? THe LW seriously needs to get off the cross… I don’t know what is worse, that she comes across like a raving lunatic — or that so many on here loudly and thoroughly applaud her piss poor behavior.
As you suggest, if a guy did this, everybody would be clamoring that he is a psycho! He destroyed her property?! He verbally abused her in Starbucks?! He needs a restraining order! And STAT!!! But hey, when it’s a chick, suddenly it’s all about “her feelings!” around here, and a steady, unending chorus of “You go, girl!”
We are kind of splitting hairs here. There’s no way this guy ever talks to her again.
It’s not that he slept with another woman, it’s that he slept with her BEST FRIEND. That’s a pretty big issue when you haven’t even started dating exclusively. I mean, where exactly do you draw the line?
No self respecting, worthy man would do that. Sleeping with a random woman, w/e not the best but it’s not a deal breaker, sleeping with YOUR BEST FRIEND when you leave town for a few weeks??? GROSS.
As another commentor said, her brawl at Starbucks was too epic to judge her on.
Epic? Really? I guess if so many people around here think that’s epic, then I’ve really had an E P I C life. Once I start up my blog of all my previous adventures, I think people will see what I mean.
That may very well be true. & I’d def. love to hear them! Regardless, sleeping with someone you’re seeing’s best friend (whether it be casual or serious) is just plain tacky & gross. That’s the point.
It might be tacky, indeed it probably was, but do we mean “drunkenly fell into bed with my gay, slightly guy-curious friend” or “carried on a torrid love affair with my friend.” To me, there’s a difference. They weren’t committed at the time. It was CASUAL.
The possible circumstance doesn’t matter. There are plenty of other women he could’ve slept with. Sleeping with a friend is humiliating. I’m almost positive had you been the LW in this scenario, you would be somewhat upset by the situation. Maybe not take it to the lengths she did, but you wouldn’t be say Ay-OK with it.
Can you honestly qualify a FWB as someone you’re “seeing”? Or maybe it’s more just something (someone?) you’re doing. Maybe I’m a prude (okay, I totally am) but I fail to understand the appeal of a FWB. Seems like the women in these situations are usually left feeling rather crappy and confused. Why is that fun?
And why is the guy the tacky one for sleeping with someone else? I’d expect more from a so-called ‘best friend’ than just a FWB. If you want to be exclusive with your FWB, you don’t want a FWB situation. It’s like that “we were on a break” thing. You were ONLY friends with benefits.
It wasn’t her best friend. That was just the title that Wendy put on the letter. The LW said ‘one of my best friends’. That covers an awful lot of ground. She didn’t leave town for a few months, she left town for the better part of a year. Does that make her FWB off limits for everyone she might potentially list as a friend? We used to have criminal laws against ‘alienation of affection’, when you run off with another person’s spouse. Then we decided that you don’t own your spouse. If the spouse wants to leave you for somebody else s/he has good or bad reasons and is entitled to act on them. May be skanky, bad ethics, whatever, but you don’t get ownership of your spouse. Now we step down the chain from spouse, to fiance, to exclusive boy/girlfriend, to simply boy/girlfriend, to person I’m dating but we haven’t decided what to call ourselves yet, to we’ve agreed to call ourselves casual and be in a nonexclusive FWB relationship. And in that position you think you own your FWB and your friends must keep away, even when you leave the country for a year?
Every month there seems to be a story in the paper of some loser guy who slept with or just dated a woman and decided that made her his and he owned her. When she dumped him and dated somebody else, he shoots both of them. Awful behavior. This woman isn’t violent against the FWB or former friend, but her behavior is out of line and displays this same false sense of ownership of another, who merely linked up with you for a time and now wants to move on.
Why does a public rant become ok, just because it is epic? She didn’t behave like a sane grownup. Period, whether you find it humorous or not.
I guess this is just a debate on each of our moral values. A guy that I’m seeing (casual or not) sleeps with ANY of my “best friends” while I’m out of town, that’s not only a deal breaker but a big ass kick out the door. I guess you guys don’t view a person you’re sexually involved with that sleeps with your friend as a big deal. I do.
So really, this debate is not ab what’s right or wrong, but more ab the different moral codes we live our lives by.
Long-time reader,but first time commenting here!
Sure,Rob sleeping with one of your best friends wasn’t the wisest move on his part.(I don’t see how her being lesbian is relevant).If I was casually dating a guy I wouldn’t sleep with his best friend because I think that’s just poor form.But you two weren’t exclusive;you even said you dated in the UK.So Rob had every right to date and sleep with other people.So did you.If you wanted more you should have said so.
But destroying his suitcase and publicly cussing him out is insane.I haven’t gotten a chance to read all the comments,but I have no idea why people appear to be congratulating you for this.It was childish behavior on your part,LW,and I’m sure he was confused about why you were so worked up.You two weren’t committed to each other so he can sleep with whomever he wants!And again,you yourself dated in the UK! The Starbucks event would have been epic had you been with this guy and discovered he was some dirty cheater or had committed some other egregious act. I’m sorry you experienced a loss in your family,but after what happened between you two,you should find someone else to go to for comfort.
1) That guy is a douche for acting so serious about you and then dropping you like a hot potato the second you left. And the screwing of the best friend is just terrible. He may have had a right to do it, but I can see why you’re upset over it. I would be too.
2) You are too crazy for creating the big dramatic public scene. Get a hold of yourself! This guy didn’t owe you anything. He stopped contacting you for months while you were away, and then he didn’t see you all break. Read: He doesn’t want to be your boyfriend. The sleeping with someone else was just a symptom of him not wanting to be your boyfriend!
LW, this guy is not it. Guys who are serious about you do crazy things to keep you in their lives, they don’t send you off smiling and waving and turn around and bang your friend. Move on and find someone who’s crazy about you.
i think that this guy is the absolute last person you should call if you need the emotional support of a friend, especially given the circumstances (someone passing away)
i dont really know if you had reason to scream at him in starbucks (great great story though!!), i mean you guys had no commitment.. i think you just read into what was going on much more then you should have. he wasn’t your boyfriend, he wasn’t your husband, you say yourself that you “kept it casual”!
guys do have this great way of sucking us into thinking they either care or they love us or whatever lovey emotion we feel. I know it has happened to me, and i was so so mad at myself for believing it, or for believing in something that didn’t actually exsist…
given these circumstances, it would not be beneficial of you to contact him in this time of need. you need someone who is going to really be there for you, not someone who may or may not have cared for a time in the past.
It’s a guy’s fault and he’s a louse if he tells you that he loves you and doesn’t or if he says you are an exclusive couple, while he intends to chase other women. There certainly are guys like that. It is not his fault if you want a serious boyfriend so badly that you assume he really, truly feels something more than he is saying. It is more your fault if you choose to disbelieve what he actually says. This is not the first LW who assumed casual or FWB was something more, just because the guy treated her well while they were together and he was getting the benefits. It is the very rare guy who is too awkward to tell his girlfriend that he loves her, when he knows that he actually does love her. If after a reasonable time, he isn’t saying it, 99% he isn’t feeling it, isn’t sure what he’s feeling, or knows he doesn’t want to be exclusive.
oh that is so true- i didn’t mean in any way to say it was Rob’s fault that the LW reacted as she did. he didn’t do a thing wrong. i mean, sleeping with a best friend is pretty low in my book, but still they had no attachments.
what i meant by “guys have a way of sucking us in”, was that we are the suckers, as the women. we are the ones who delude ourselves and let our minds believe that something is there when its not.
i know when it happened to me, i was at college in New York, and this one, older guy was in this group of us that would go out together sometimes. whenever we went out, he would buy me drinks, buy me dinner, whatever… we got a little romantic with each other, and i fell into it. i thought that all the wining and dining was his sign of loving me, when that was very much not the case. what was happening, was the way he (and i think a lot of east coast boys live) lives- women should never buy thier own drinks, they shouldnt buy thier own food, shouldnt pay to get into a club, ect ect. he was just doing what he had done his whole life, what was normal in his neck of the woods, and then there was me who moved half way across the country to be there, thinking that what he was doing meant more then it did.
I totally agree with everything you said.
On the line of Oldie’s ” she left town for the better part of a year. Does that make her FWB off limits for everyone she might potentially list as a friend?”
I’ve actually offered up an old fwb to some of my girlfriends when they are in need. It may make me sound super trashy and like a horrible person for using said fwb. But hey, if I know he treats a lady right, and is discrete when needed then why not be like “You know when I was getting over a break up, or lonely I know that ____ was perfect for me because he understood when I’d rather just have the companionship or anything actually sexual/physical. If you want I’ll let him know you are available.” Now if they had taken me up on the offer and then started dating said FWB I’d def feel a little sting of resentment, but I’d also be happy that he and a friend found someone that made each other happy on a more than physical level. Its not like I could claim him all to myself and be like SINCE I SLEPT IN THAT BED NO WAY IN HELL CAN YOU EVER DO SO.
6 months is a long time, I would assume that the FWB in this case would have moved on. While the choice in persons may have been a bit tacky, and it wasn’t nice for him to suddenly e-mail her out of the blue with “I miss you so much cant wait for the break” and then totally not see her at all. I do think that her destroying the suitcase was WAY over the top. And while the condom thing is crazy-funny its still crazy.
Here’s how I feel about it. I had a friend (look back at the “how did you meet your SO”) who we also had a lot of sexual tension, when I felt that he betrayed me by constantly making remarks towards how he liked other females, and got the retort “its because you love me and its not receipricated” . I was furious. I acted crazy too. Almost a year later, I tried to patch things up with him. I missed my friend, I did not miss the sexual tension, and all that anger really opened my eyes to all his faults and the delusions I had for him (so no more puppy-dog love). However, when I went to hang out with him – we had a good time but it wasnt the same. I felt so uncomfortable and sad, I missed how we used to be friends, and I couldn’t feel like I’d ever forgive him for the comment on how I loved him. I still miss him, we chat occasionally on FB but I dont think we could ever be friends again. So I let him go. In this case LW I think you’ll feel the same way. You’ll try to patch things up and then miss how things USED to be. You’ll probably always think of “the time before I went away” as much happier etc. but I doubt you’ll ever feel as happy again with him (Friend or otherwise) as your mind wants you to remember the old times. My fall out with this friend was over two years ago, and I still have “I miss ___” pangs because he was such an important and influential part of my life, but I can’t get over the hurt so there’s no way I could be a friend to him again without some hidden resentment for the past.
Best of luck, I’m sorry for your loss.
I agree with the insight that she needs to MOA from the betrayal of her ex and her best friend, yet the question is what does she feel is MOAing. Perhaps she had an action plan in place on one idea of MOAing and fulfilled items on that bucket list – like the ultimate so-over-you breakup and rocking the power haircut. I think what happened here is that with the loss of her family member (BTW, my condolences) she added onto that list with contradicting goals to distract her from that grief.
What the LW has here is actually TWO MOAs to do – move on from the betrayed relationship and move on from the loss of her family. Both MOAs in these situations require some level of acceptance of finality regarding the events that happened – MOA#1: He slept with my best friend, I felt betrayed by the both of them and nothing can change that. MOA#2: My family member died, I will not see that person alive again and nothing can change that. The finality of MOA#2 is so absolute and beyond anyone’s control that it is no wonder that the LW wants to recant her feelings of betrayal in MOA#1 – no human really wants to accept the fatalistic defeatist elements of ending, whether it be of death or a broken relationship, because we value our independence in our decision making towards a positive life.
Here is where the MOAs differ though: when all the points on your checklist for MOAing are fulfilled, can you live with the goals that the MOA ultimately accomplishes? In MOA#2, unfortunately, you do not have a choice in the matter of deciding to move on from the grief or not – you HAVE to move on from the loss of your family member. In MOA#1, you DO have a choice if the betrayal you felt can be discounted so you can start those friendships again. If MOA#1’s finality is subject to question, and you want to recant the initial feelings of betrayal you experienced, it would require you to apologize to your ex AND your best friend for cutting them out of your life. I understand that they broke your trust by getting intimate with one another without letting you know, yet you also broke their trust by refusing to talk it out and cut them both out of your life.
Now there was some debate on DW already whether the LW should have felt betrayed or not. From what I read, there are a few who have said that even though LW says that they moved on from the casual relationship, this was an FWB situation STILL since declarations of love were never made, and there technically was no commitment to break. Others feel that since there were actions performed that went beyond a casual relationship, there WAS some semblance of commitment that should have been honored by her ex and her best friend while she was away and that the LW had every right to feel betrayed by those individuals who broke that semblance before letting her know.
Personally, I don’t think such strong emotions, like betrayal can be discounted – I have a right to feel the way I want to, whether it is legitimately based or not. If you don’t want to deal with them anymore because of your feelings of betrayal, don’t deal with them. Yet don’t take back your feelings – own up to them and the consequences of acting on them.
Gurl, have yourself a fabulous British fling and never look back. You don’t need that shit.
Come on ladies, put aside your loyalty to the sisterhood for a second and re-read the LW’s letter.
So she leaves the continent, starts dating other guys, doesn’t make much effort to maintain a relationship ( notice that he’s the one contacting her, sporadically), is ready to give him up… but then when she finds out that he’s slept with her friend, she freaks out, gets violent, throws a public tantrum, attempts to starve herself and doesn’t leave her bed for several weeks. Now six months later, having had no contact with this guy, she’s still pining for him because she’s had no luck meeting anyone.
I’d love to read Rob’s rendition of what happened, because I suspect that it would be very different from what she’s portraying. The only thing that he appears to be guilty of is that she hasn’t found another boyfriend.
And BitterGayMark is right, If the roles were reversed here, his behavior would be recognized and frightening and abusive.