“I’m Worried About How My Boyfriend Expresses Anger”
I started wondering about his need to express his anger in a physical way like that. I know it was a small thing to spray me in the face with water but it was the whole idea of it being a physical expression of anger that worried me. Is this something I should address? The whole thing honestly felt very childish but it made me wonder if this had been an actual argument if he would have felt the same need to do something to physically express himself. Or maybe he really is just being childish and knew no other way of expressing his anger than a petty act. I also don’t want to read into something that’s not there. Should I talk to him? Watch for other signs? — If You Have Something to Spray, Spray It Nicely
Yes, spraying you in the face with his shower head — especially in an angry way — was incredibly childish of your boyfriend. And while his act isn’t one I defend, I can understand where his frustration and anger stemmed from. You treated him like a child. You told him not to eat candy before dinner — something a mother would say to her eight-year-old son. But he’s not your 8-year-old son – he’s a grown man. I know grown men. I live with one. I can’t imagine my husband, for example, being unable to eat a meal simply because he had a few M&Ms before dinnertime.
But, back to your question: Yes, I’d suggest you look out for other signs that your boyfriend has an anger problem or that you have something to worry about in terms of him expressing his anger in a physical way. Spraying you in the face with water and then stomping off isn’t grounds for breaking up or moving out, but if you — someone who hopefully knows this guy really well — feel genuinely concerned, that’s definitely worth expressing to him. Let him know you were disturbed by his behavior, found it out of character, and hope in the future if he has an issue with you, he won’t resort to expressing his frustration in a physical way. I would hope he’d apologize to you, but you can grease the wheel of that apology by offering up your own for treating him like a kid.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I was thinking something TOTALLY different (and totally dirty) when I read that headline.
Although I agree with Wendy that your behavior towards him was overtly motherly, him spraying you on the face with water is not cool, especially when done in anger. It may be a simple spray now, but it’s potentially going down toward a slippery slope in having your head pinned while he’s spraying you with water. Some pet trainers hardly use the squirt gun method of disciplining their pets, only because it’s better to use positive reinforcement in housebreaking a dog or cat. Yet you are supposed to be his partner, not a pet, just as he is supposed to be your partner, not talked down upon like a child. To resort to such methods of communication is not establishing equal ground in the household.
I don’t know how long you guys have been dating, but it sounds as if the two of you recently started living together. It takes some time for those routines to get established, but it sounds as if you guys are still adjusting. Talking to each other like partners in getting everything done together for the sake of the unit to function, not as if there are assigned tasks that are expected to be individually done, helps change the philosophy of two individual people living together into one of a couple trying to establish the beginnings of a relationship. Believe me, there is a difference between acting in tandem as two individuals and acting as one.
>he started eating candy, which irritates me to no end.
There’s no excuse for spraying you in the face, but it sounds like you both could use some anger management counseling.
I very much agree with Wendy on this. You treated him like a child…and then he acted like a child. The blame should be shared equally, here. I think what’s most important for you to look out for, other than him expressing anger through physical acts, is how you all communicate with each other.
If you’re acting like his mother regularly – telling him not to eat candy, nagging, punishing, etc. – and he’s acting like a child regularly, then both of you need a serious facelift on your communication skills. If what you described wasn’t a one-time thing, which I’m inclined to think it’s not, then both of you need to seriously mature in the way you interact with each other.
That said, there’s no quicker way to kill a romance than to develop a mother-child relationship with your boyfriend. If this continues in any sort of pattern, I don’t expect this relationship to last. You need to be partners and equal communicators, and one person can’t be the “authority figure.” Maybe you can overhaul the way you communicate and improve this. But know that this could also be a sign that you two aren’t right for each other – if this is how you resort to expressing yourselves with each other. THAT is what you should really be on the lookout for.
I’d love to know how old the LW and her boyfriend are – though apparently old enough to live together. Lashing out in anger and frustration is never good and you need to have a conversation with him about how you do not want to communicate like that as a couple – which includes you snapping at him for eating some candy before dinner. If you think candy before dinner is a real problem then just wait. I can promise you that emasculating a grown man by treating him as an errant child will provide you enough real problems that you will be outright nostalgic for this fight.
I wouldn’t necessarily say that him spraying you with a shower head is a sign he could be physically voilent. This was a childish act for sure, but doesn’t strike me as particularly violent. I remember an instance when my stepfather was incredibly frustrated with my mom when they were talking in the kitchen, and he poured oatmeal on the floor. It was bizarre and childish, kind of like the letter writer’s story, but not violent.
I also wanted to address how people are saying the LW treated her boyfriend like a child. You know what, I can understand why it irritates her that he’s eating candy before she’s cooking him a nice meal. She probably could have said it in a different way, but if she’s taking the time to cook him a nice meal , it would be nice if he didn’t do that. I think it might be more like he’s not appreciating her or respecting her by eating candy when she goes to the trouble to cook every meal. She probably could have expressed her feelings in a different way, like, “Honey, I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t eat candy before dinner since I’m going to the trouble to make you this nice meal.” And see what he says.
It drives me bonkers when my guy just throws dirty clothes on the floor and not in the hamper. Maybe I’m “treating him like a child” by asking him to please put his clothes in the hamper. But if you live with someone there does need to be some mutual respect and communication when things bother you.
I have to agree with Wendy on this one. How would you feel if it were the other way around and your boyfriend were telling you not to eat candy before dinner or to make sure you brush your teeth before bed or something? It would be kinda embarrassing and degrading, wouldn’t it? Two people in a relationship should be absolutely equal, neither one authoritative over the other. Treat your boyfriend like an equal and he will most likely refrain from future childish outbursts like this. I don’t think this means he’s violent, I think he felt emasculated by the way you treated him.
I just assumed he *was* 8 years old from the way he sprayed you with the shower head and walked out. But you did definitely did pull some mom talk on him. I would have felt condescended to if my boyfriend did that to me. He’s a grown man, I’m sure he would’ve eaten dinner anyway.
LW, that was definitely a “mom” move. If I was your BF I’d be pissed at you too. It takes a lot for a grown man to no longer be hungry (assuming hunger was the reason you told him not to eat the candy, not like a health reason or something), a few peices of candy is nothing to them. You treated him like a child, so he reacted like a child. Sit down and have a grown up conversation with your BF. Tell him you felt disrepected that he would eat right before your meal you prepared, which is why you in turn disrespected him. And appologize. Both of you were wrong.
While I do agree Wendy might be over reacting slightly- every person in a relationship should watch out for violent or potentially violent behaviour.
There’s plenty of fault for them to share about this incident. She came on like a mom scolding a child about eating candy which pisses me off when my wife does it. Then stormed in the shower Demanding resolution. Imagining all this, I’d have sprayed her myself.
Obviously eating candy just before dinner isn’t a good idea but we don’t know if it was a handful or just a small bite. The worse outcome to that would be a spoiled appetite, but so what… None of this excuses his spraying her, that’s just immature and potentially harmful. This couple needs some couching about conflict resolution and grow up already.
Sulking away in silence twice in one argument – one time after outwardly retaliating – is hilariously immature…that said…unless you are worried about him spitting up on you I don’t think you have much to worry about.
I didn’t realize it when my husband and I were dating but I had a tendency to nag about certain things (ok I did realize it to a certain extent, I might be a little type A and want things a certain way, I’m getting better though!), like when he leaves his laundry everywhere (i found two pairs of socks when i vacuumed the couch last weekend stuffed down the side). You do have to learn to communicate better and to learn to let some things go. I am more of a neat freak and he falls in to the potential slob category. But, we’ve learned to make it work. Him trying to be clean and helping more around the house and me learning to let things go that aren’t really important. I take a deep breath and remember that life is more important than a properly loaded dishwasher. Sometimes the first step like Wendy said is saying sorry I said what I did about the candy, I was so excited about the dinner I was cooking and didn’t want anything to spoil it. And learning to think before you speak/react in the future. And also like Wendy said I haven’t met many men who let a piece of candy or two ruin dinner.
I echo what a lot of people are saying. Really LW, scolding him for eating candy before dinner? And really live-in boyfriend? Acting like a child by spraying water in someone’s face? You’re not his mom, so don’t act like one. He’s not a child, so he shouldn’t act like one.
From this letter alone, I wouldn’t say your boyfriend is abusive. Check for other signs, but if him acting out agressively was a one-time occurance, I would say you’re ok. Do what others have said and you both need to work on your communication skills.
A personal anecdote. I know, ugh, right? My mom always cooked our family a lovely dinner. My dad would get home from work and go directly to the sweet cabinet and grab a cookie or two. Yes, this annoyed my mom to no end. But my dad would alway eat his entire dinner and dessert! And he’s not overweight. Just on his feet all day. Anyway, it is what it is and my mom knew there was no use scolding him or being mad about it. Just a little quirk of his.
I do understand where’s she’s coming from with the candy since my BF does that & depending on my mood, it will annoy me. But I’ll usually just joke around with him, not make a seriously scolding comment. Also, is your boyfriend hovering around the kitchen while you cook, unwrapping peice after peice of candy? Maybe he needs to just hang out elsewhere while you cook? I know I start getting snippy when my dude is in the kitchen peering into the pot of sauce I’m making, telling me where I spilled something, or whatever else (and while eating candy). So maybe you’re annoyed more at his presence and the candy thing is just extra?
As for the water-spraying, that’s kind of unacceptable. But…how did you walk into the bathroom? Was it a big scene? Was he already in the shower? I guess I’m trying to picture if he pointed the nozzle at you with purposeful anger while you stood somewhere near the doorway, completely dry, or if you were pulling aside the shower curtain demanding he talk to you & then he got frustrated and turned the water on you.
I agree with the others who suggested to see what comes of a mutual apology. I’m thinking it was just an instance where you each got frustrated with each other to the point of not expressing anger in the best way.
I don’t know what you guys think, but those two are really immature.
How long is your guys’ shower head? How did you get it all the way from the bathroom into the kitchen?
This just seems like a childish fight between the two of you.
You definitely both are in the wrong here and both should apologize. I also don’t think your boyfriend is going to become abusive. But I think you should examine why it bothers you so much that your boyfriend (a grown man) chose to eat some candy. It doesn’t seem like he can’t have candy due to health reason or that it was a particularly large amount of candy. I mean, it doesn’t even affect you like dirty laundry on the floor or something. Do you get on to him for not doing everything exactly how you would? Please reflect on how you’ve acted and maybe you’ll understand why your boyfriend reacted in such a way.
One thing that came to mind when I read this and that no one else has mentioned is that the LW seems to have a fragile ego to be that offended over a few pieces of candy. To be angry over candy you have to be feeling personally insulted and to be insulted over some candy says you have a fragile ego and are looking for insults where they probably don’t exist.
My husband and one of my best friends both get irritable when they are hungry and both grab anything they can eat to stave off that irritability. Your boyfriend my just feel himself getting hungry and then grab something to eat just to keep a nice personality. The candy may be mood control. If your boyfriend is like this you can either ignore the candy, which you should do anyway, or keep some finger foods that he likes ready to snack on when he needs to eat. Even if you keep finger foods he likes on hand he will still probably go for the candy every so often just because it appeals to him more at that moment and that’s okay. It really has nothing to do with you or disrespect for you.
When I read the letter, I was expecting a bunch of “dump the jerk” responses, with several people claiming that it just spraying water now, but will become severe beatings later. I am pleasantly surprised that I was wrong.
But in regard to the letter itself, I can understand the woman’s frustration. If she’s taking the time to cook for him, then why is he snacking beforehand? (particularly if he is overweight). But maybe she came across as too condescending. But holy cow, his response was totally stupid. They do need to find better ways to solve their problems or their relationship is completely doomed.
“I love to cook and have been doing it a lot more often now that I’ve moved in with my boyfriend (I cook and he agrees to do all the dishes). Recently, I was cooking dinner and he started eating candy, which irritates me to no end, and I said something about not doing that right before dinner and he got mad and sulked off to go shower while I finished dinner. As I walked into the bathroom…”
ok…. by “I cook & he agrees to do all the dishes,” i heard: “I don’t trust him to cook & he has to do something to earn his meals” so you may want to consider if that’s what *he* thinks you mean too. i think it’s probably good to share the meal prep chores & also for you to pitch in with the clean-up.
also, why did you walk into the bathroom after him ?
if you walked in there, still trying to be like, “but babe, don’t be mad, you know necco wafers give you cavities & last time you ate those twix before dinner you barely touched your boiled rutabaga” i totally understand his emotions (if not his actions).
i say apologize, apologize again, tell him his angry physicality concerned you a little, & then stop talking about it. next time you make dinner, maybe invite him to make the salad or cut the bread & help him clean up.
no idea if that’s helpful… sorry if it’s not really what you’re saying o_0
Really, LW? Eating candy before dinner is the biggest annoyance you have in your life? Consider yourself lucky!!
But honestly, I think that this particular incident is just representative of an ongoing pattern where the LW nags, scolds, reprimands or otherwise treats her boyfriend like a miscreant child. Perhaps the BF just reached his breaking point over the candy and that’s why he reacted as he did? His reaction was childish and immature, but it sounds like these two are not a good match or need to just grow the eff up. I’m really curious to know how old they are.
Get out now….
I have a question both for my benefit and.the lw, how do you reverse the mother/child relationship after it has already begun? It seems to happen really easily when one partner is more type A and structured and the other is more type B
I see that people are making a big deal out of the LW telling her bf not to eat candy before dinner but don’t seem to mind that he was physically agressive and extemely childish in his response. You wouldn’t put up with this if it was your child, why on earth would you allow an adult to behave this way? I would feel the same if it had been the other way around as well.
Sorry, the LW’s actions did not deserve the response she got. If this is how he handles such a small matter what is going to happen when they have a larger confrontation? Will he throw an iron at her? There is never an excuse for physical altercations whatsoever. Both of these people are clearly immature and need to find a more effective way to communicate or they are doomed.
Wendy nailed this one to the wall. Treat somebody like a child, they act like a child. What are you? His girlfriend? Or his mother?
PS — Fast Eddie brings up an interesting point… How did this even happen? Did you confront him in the shower? Or what?
What struck me is Initiation and Escalation. The boyfriend’s action of eating candy…an adult choosing to put calories in his mouth…created a conflict for the LW, it’s not the choice she wanted him to make. The LW’s choice to try to control the situation initiated a conflict between them, and then her choice to follow him into the bathroom escalated the conflict. When the boyfriend chose to escalate by spraying water it could have gone either way, the LW could have reacted in a million different ways, but it de-escalated the conflict.
LW humiliated the boyfriend and he humiliated her back. He stood up and got her attention in a non-violent physical way. He got his point across without verbal or physical abuse and got what he needed.
I think the real watchful position here is the escalation from both parties. If the LW is like me and has a zero-tolerance policy for physical abuse it would be in her best interest to learn not to escalate conflict unless it is a life-or-death situation requiring escalation.
Conflict is natural when you have two different minds at work. Living together means understanding where your sphere of control ends and negotiations must begin. You, LW, have every right to decide what food goes in YOUR body, and must negotiate what food is purchased, stored, displayed, prepared and served in your home together. BUT, you have no right deciding what goes in his body…that’s his right AND his responsibility, so his decision and his control. If you disagree with his choice, that’s an internal conflict you must reolve for yourself and escalating to him is going to get you versions of what you saw. By all means, please talk about the issue with him, but make sure you OWN your problem…it’s yours, you must solve it with compassion and understanding and without putting it on anyone else.
Good luck finding that groove that is living together happily and peacefully.
*sigh*
I see getting sprayed with water in anger as a warning sign. But, as you all know, my 1st marriage was terrible. My 1st husband did squirt my oldest boy with a water bottle for leaking urine out of his diaper, because he didn’t change him all day. Said if he was going to “piss on the floor like an animal, then he’s going to be treated like one”. You can imagine just how that went over.
In any case, LW, your entire argument boils all down to respect. Do you respect your boyfriend and his judgement enough to allow him to make his own dietary decisions? Such as a handful of candy before dinner? You may not appreciate it, but he is an adult, not your child. When you have (if you have) children, you may dictate any rule of your choice and creation; but when it comes to adults – you don’t have that right, unless you are royalty or the sitting dictator (emphasis on DICK).
Did he respect your henpecking, mothering, nagging and bitchy behavior in regards to his pre-dinner handful of candy? No, obviously he didn’t. So, he went to go cool off, and you interrupted him, so, he lashed out and decided to cool YOU off as well. Maybe he didn’t mean to get you in the face, but he did. You both need to apologize.
Afterwards, you need to find out whether he thinks using water as a punishment is common. It can be a sign of future abuse. If not, then I think you just need to work on your communication. If he thinks there is nothing wrong with hosing down a woman who has “wronged” him, shamed him, etc – then cut your losses and leave. But work on your control issues as well.
I think it’s impossible for commentators who don’t know the circumstances you or your boyfriend grew up in. As the only girl who grew up with little brothers and mostly boy cousins we would get into fights (including water fights) all the time. I distinctly remember my brother when my 9 year old brother sneaked the backyard hose through the entire house to spray me while I on the stairs in front of the doorway in retaliation to something I don’t remember.
If you’re really concerned about his “physical expression of anger” then you should definitely talk to him about it before you begin overanalyzing his every behavior in an attempt to “watch for signs.” What may seem like a big deal for you may be something he’s already forgotten.
LW, how did you and your boyfriend diffuse this argument? Did you just drop it and not talk about it or did you let him know that don’t appreciate being sprayed with water and apologize for scolding him? I think how you made up afterwards would give us some insight about this relationship. I think it’s important that you talk to him about what happened, not in an accusatory way, but to understand why he felt he had to react the way he did. So YES, talk to him. I don’t know what particular signs you need to be “looking” for, but talk to him before you try start imagining signs that may not be there.
I just wanna say… I snack all the time after work and before dinner. Never ruins my appetite. So while the LW’s boyfriend is not excused in his childish temper tantrum, the LW also needs to loosen the reigns a little.