“He’s Keeping Me a Secret From His Ex-Girlfriend”
There is one thorn. His ex-girlfriend and her child (over 18) do not know about me, as my boyfriend confirmed when I broached the subject recently. I know the ex and my boyfriend text each other occasionally, maybe every few weeks or months. They never lived together, and they saw each other only on weekends because of distance (she lives over two hours away from us). I have never read their texts and don’t believe in snooping. My boyfriend did tell me, when we were first dating, that he was still friends with his ex and that she had a boyfriend then.
I know my boyfriend is not interested in getting back together with her. But what concerns me is that things have not worked out with her boyfriend, and I think she is interested in getting back together with my boyfriend. I wouldn’t mind his texting them to check in occasionally, but when I found out they don’t know about me — my boyfriend is not on any social media sites so there is no way for his ex to know about us that way — my whole perspective changed. Especially if she wants him back.
He says it’s my insecurities and jealousy that are the problem, but I said it is disrespectful and cruel to all three of us to hide our relationship. He says he is here every day for me, comes home to me, loves me, and cares for me. I am his only one. However, I can’t help but wonder, when he is sending a text, if it is to her. Is he sending to her that pic I took or meme joke I shared? It’s all-consuming to me now. Am I wrong to feel this way? I would hate for this one thing to otherwise ruin a great relationship. How do I handle this? I hate confrontation. I hate drama. But this is eating away at me.— The Secret Girlfriend
What concerns me here isn’t so much that your boyfriend’s ex and her daughter don’t know about you – if contact is intermittent and potentially pretty surface-level, it stands to reason they wouldn’t mention their dating statuses – but it’s his reaction to you when you ask about this that raises a red flag.
You are right to question him on his reluctance to be open about you to his ex, and, rather than listen to your worries, calm your concerns, explain his reasons for keeping you a secret, and either try to get you to understand his perspective or change his behavior to better meet your needs, he’s turning things around and blaming your concerns on “jealousy,” and “insecurity.” Why that kind of defensiveness if everything is purely innocent?
And maybe it’s not purely innocent. Maybe your boyfriend is keeping you a secret from his ex to preserve the relationship he has with her. Maybe he wants to keep her on the back burner and he knows she’ll take off when she realizes he is no longer emotionally and physically available in the way she believes him to be. I don’t know. And you don’t either because he has shut down communication on this topic and called you insecure for questioning anything.
I would tread lightly here and really consider whether you want to continue a relationship with someone who shows signs of using gaslighting and manipulation tactics when he feels threatened.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Lw2, he’s “dating” you, but you are not his girlfriend.
LW1: if you are an social medias, you can post pictures of you and him as a couple.
His text conversations with friends, this is his freedom, right? Her interest again in him: this is your hypothesis, right? The child is not his, I assume. Then I would’t worry so much.
My exes knew about my new relationships when I wanted them to know, not because my actual partners asked me to do it. I would refuse such an intrusion. And I heard that exes had a new partner when they got married or had a child, not before the new partner wanted me to know as a kind of threat.
Usually, the exes are exes for a reason. Nobody wants to recouple, in most cases.
So if the relationship is good, focus on its progression. This “insecurity” is a sign you want more, isn’t it? Or that something is off? Analyse the relationship, how you feel in it and what you expect of it, not an imaginary rival from his past.
That would be my call.
I strongly disagree with Wendy on #1– Why does she need validation of her relationship from a woman that she’s never met?
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If she is insecure in the relationship, she needs to examine that. Not pick a freaking fight because he didn’t tell his ex-girlfriend from years ago that he has a new girlfriend. That makes absolutely no sense to me!!!
She doesn’t need validation from the ex-girlfriend. She needs validation from her boyfriend. When you’re friends with someone and in regular contact with that person, you share big news with them. Doesn’t moving in with your partner qualify as noteworthy? To not share that with someone is weird.
I’m going back and forth on this and I think it depends on how much contact they have and what they share. If the contact is initiated by her and comes more as things like here’s a picture of Son/Daughter, first day of senior year. Can’t believe he/she is a senior. Then the boyfriend making a comment about what a handsome young man X is or can’t believe he/she is that old would be appropriate and adding in that he’s living with his girlfriend would be odd. If that kind of texting is the limit of their contact then I could see it never coming up. If they are in more contact about more things and about life in general then it should have come up that he had a girlfriend and that the two of them moved in together.
If the contact is limited and amounts to not much of anything he should let her know that. The fact that he won’t say so seems evasive. If he spends lots of time texting and seems to not be present even when he is physically there then I think she has something to worry about.
That’s the thing, Skyblossom, if it was just “FYI chatting”, like updates on the kid, and nothing really personal, he could have just told the LW that. That’s nothing to keep secret, and it’s certainly not something worth gaslighting your girlfriend over. He could show her the texts, even, and it would be obvious that it was nothing.
Instead, he’s protecting that relationship. There’s something there that’s important enough to him that he’s trying to push the LW away from it. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He gaslights her to get her off the topic. Those are the warning signs Wendy picked up on, and I agree. He can’t give a reason why he’s kept her a secret. That’s a problem. There are possible valid reasons for keeping a relationship secret, like say maybe it would be upsetting for a child or it would affect the co-parenting relationship. But those don’t seem to apply here. If there’s a valid reason, he can give it. If the communication is nothing important or personal, he can share that. He chooses not to. He chooses not to, AND he warns her off of the topic by insulting her. That’s a problem. Something’s going on. Even if it’s something as stupid as he just wants his ego stroked, that’s not cool.
I agree that it’s the boyfriend’s reaction that is the concerning part. Given that this is an ex, it makes sense to me that they aren’t very close. I don’t keep exes updated on my life or relationship status either.
Her boyfriend easily could have put the LW’s concerns to rest, but instead he invalidated her feelings. His gaslighting makes the whole situation look suspicious.
I’m also totally with Wendy on this one. It’s all about his reaction. If he’d said, “wow I guess it never came up, we’re always chatting about how son is doing, I’ll tell her next time we talk”, then that’s fine.
But instead he’s like “no you’re just insecure, no I won’t tell her, and by the way, she’s single now.” That’s an excessively defensive reaction, and it’s weird. Why doesn’t he want to tell her?
WWS too. He’s hiding something from his ex because he knows it will change their relationship. That is shady as hell.
It makes no sense to me to avoid telling a “friend” when you’ve had something big happen—like, say, a girlfriend moving in. Why is that not pertinent information—just as pertinent as her kid’s graduation or college plans or a promotion or a trip (or whatever they’re texting about)?
If they’re friends, it’s something he would share. If they’re not friends—why are they even still in contact, anyway?
But he’s a guy. IME, to a guy moving in with his girlfriend is not a big event. It’s just a thing that happens like ‘it’s going to rain on Saturday’ (especially if they aren’t talking about marriage). I think for women, it’s a bigger deal because we attach other emotions/motives to moving in together.
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Guys will tell their really close friends but as for everyone else, if it comes up they’ll say something but they don’t seek out ways to explicitly state that they have a girlfriend.
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I don’t think he’s actively avoiding the issue. I think there hasn’t been a situation in which it’s been necessary to say something to the ex. I wholeheartedly agree, that his response to LW was shitty but I don’t think we should attach ulterior motives to the guy.
The reason this stuff matters is that over a couple of years, it’s unlikely that if they do talk about their lives (things they’ve done recently, how things are going, etc.), the LW wouldn’t have come up. All of my friends who are in relationships, even ones I only talk to infrequently, typically have reason to include their partner when we are catching up. Unless they were super long-distance , then I don’t know how a “what have you been up to lately?” or a “what did you do this weekend?” could be answered without something that vaguely referenced the LW. When I tell friends about movies I went to or anything, I either volunteer who was there or if I say “we,” then they may ask who I went with. The only situation I can imagine where this wouldn’t happen is when friends have a singular interest in common and only talk about that — like they only talk about their favorite sports teams’ games or only talk about Game of Thrones or something. But I doubt that’s how it is with an ex, (ie, someone that you know outside of one niche in your life).
In the end, based on social norms, he’s most likely phrasing his conversations with his ex in a way that’s different than how most people would normally, in a way that doesn’t mention his girlfriend. The question would then be, why? The main reasons a person does that are that they don’t want the current person to know they are in a relationship or they are embarrassed of the person. Neither is good.
LW: Did you ask your boyfriend why his ex doesn’t know you exist? My first question would be what they actually talk about then. I get that they don’t talk often, but does he not tell her things he’s done? I’m just assuming there’s a “what’s up?” “Not too much, just got back from seeing LW’s family for the holidays” that probably should have happened at some point, but why is it not? Do they truly not discuss anything about their lives? Does he purposely change the way he talks to her to avoid talking about you? I know you don’t like confrontation, but you have a right to know these things. Similarly, if a person cannot bring up awkward subjects with their partner, then it’s either a flaw with the relationship or a flaw with the individual. Not very sustainable for long-term stability to not be able to bring up unpleasant issues.
I don’t buy it—because according to the letter, he DOES care about social media, because he posts all the time.
PS I think my answer was somewhat merged into the two questions which was not my intent but I haven’t slept all night (thanks new neighbors….ughh). I still stick with my opinion on social media…but my ex posted car stuff every dang hour but not people stuff. So if it was car stuff and there weren’t a ton of friend related posts, like my ex, then whatever. He used his more for exposure in his business. That is where my perspective came from.
Lying about your existence though (or just pretending one doesn’t exist) is not cool.
Secret Girlfriend here. I appreciate all of the comments. To clear up some questions, he told me months ago that they mostly text about the child (not his btw and he actually communicates with the child more) and how work is going, etc. He also said he would like to catch up with the child, but wanted to do it when ex was at work because he did not want to see her in person. I think no matter what, she will find out about me. If she wants him back, it makes sense that she is eventually going to ask him if he is seeing anyone.
But he’s not even talking to her about his personal life, he’s asking about the kid. And he’s mostly talking to the kid, so I’m confused why he needs to explicitly tell her that y’all are dating. It’s totally irrelevant to any conversation that he’s having with her, and kid updates are generally ridiculously short conversations.
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His response to you was shitty, and he could have said it better but c’mon…isn’t it really your insecurity and jealousy that are the problem here? You’re afraid that she wants him back and you’ll be dumped.
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Here’s the thing…if they want to be together, whether she knows about you or not, they’ll be together. Knowing about you really means nothing!
You’re right about some things. I think it was his reaction that bothered me. Wendy was right in a comment that I need validation from him, not the ex. I think people like to pull the “jealous” or “insecurity” card when SO bring up a concern like this. But it is not about that, it’s about respect.
Have you contacted EVERY ex of your about this relationship?
@The Secret Girlfriend
If you feel disrespected in the relationship, address that! Don’t pick a silly ass fight about his ex girlfriend knowing about your existence. It invalidates your issue with him.
So he is still attached to the kid which is pretty natural and he would like to know how the kid is doing. The kid might even ask him for advice.
My uncle was a stepfather and after they were divorced her kids made the effort to keep him in their lives. He is the involved grandfather in the lives of the older daughter’s kids while their actual biological grandfather who lives a block from them ignores them. The younger daughter calls him for advice. When she is in a difficult situation he is the person she turns to. It sounds like he isn’t willing to turn his back on this young adult and that is a good thing. If he is mainly communicating with the kid and about the kid there is nothing to worry about.
As someone else said above, if they wanted to be together they would get together whether she knew about you or not.
You have to ask yourself whether you trust him or not. If you do it won’t matter what she does. If he isn’t trustworthy then move on because whether it is her or someone else there will be problems.
With this new info that he’s close with the child and is avoiding her, I feel that them not knowing about you is more understandable. I feel that he knows that the child wouldn’t feel comfortable communicating with him if the child knew he has a girlfriend other than his mom. I can see your boyfriend’s point in that to him, it’s an understandable situation & he therefore thinks you should understand and accept it. If your relationship is strong and great otherwise I would do my best to stay quiet over this situation. I know my advice will be unpopular.
LW: Texting someone every few weeks or months (IS there such a big difference??) might mean absolutely nothing. I have absolutely no desire at all to get back together with my ex, but on holidays or when something big happens. I don’t tell her at all when I date someone because it would result in a big discussion. If we ran into her, I would introduce her, but I just don’t want to talk about my dating life with my ex. Perhaps the guy IS shady, but there are other options too.
I must say, my ex and i dated 10 years and have been friends following for 5 years. I know that women he date know about me but I really don’t need to hear about them or want to unless they are serious. Same with him and the guys I date. I may know he is seeing someone but believe me, unless one of us has true intent on being with that person long term, we have no real interest in introducing those people to each other. I wouldn’t say it is a jealousy thing, more just a, yes this person is still my ex so unless it is worth knowing I don’t need to. If I found out he had been dating someone for 2 years that would be nuts but at the same time we speak daily, not every few weeks or months or so.
LW: I have to admit, it’s dodgy. If he has nothing to hide, it’d make sense to have mentioned at some point that he’s seeing someone new. It depends on how often they talk, and what they talk about; as others have said, if it’s just about the kid then it might seem too off topic. Nevertheless, he needs to gently tell her, in case she gets her opes up now that she’s single. And if he doesn’t want to, that might be a sign that he’s keeping her on the back burner, which isn’t fair on her.
Oh yeah. Forget all those people saying, “it depends on what they talk about.” He has a relationship with her and he is hiding you from her because he is keeping her on the back burner. That is exactly what is happening. No doubt. Confront the guy.