“How Can I Cope With My Friend’s Selfish Behavior?”
This all sounds ideal, but my friend is also very selfish, opinionated, and a shameless attention-seeker – to the point that she exaggerates to make anything she is involved in sound bigger, better, and more important than it is. And when I say she exaggerates, I mean she lies. There might be a thread of truth in what she says, but that’s often all it is. She also has something of a savior complex within her family dynamics and likes to always make herself the indispensable hero. Additionally, she sometimes has controlling behavior.
I know this sounds bleak, and an outsider would probably question why I remain friends with her. As noted earlier, we have some significant history, we do have fun when we are together (as do our husbands), and there is no angst when we go for weeks on end without any contact. I have come to accept that she is the way she is, but I need ideas for coping mechanisms when I’m caught up in her social media bullshit attention-seeking lies. When we’ve been together and her behavior is in my face, I internally burn with a quiet rage. Perhaps that’s low self-esteem on my part. Within a few days I’m over it, but how do I turn it off in the here and now to prevent it from dragging me down mentally? What is the best way to cope or deal with this?— Frustrated Friend
I’m confused – do you like this person or not? Do you truly have fun on your weekends together or no? Internally burning with quiet rage doesn’t sound like a pleasant way to spend time with a friend and, yet, you continue to see this person four or five weekends a year, investing time, money, and energy into maintaining a relationship that doesn’t sound very joyful. What am I missing here? You allude to self-esteem issues. Do you think you are not worthy of a friend who makes you feel good instead of bad? Do you not have other friends? Are you lonely and taking what you can get? Do the pluses in the friendship outweigh what sounds like pretty overwhelmingly negative traits? When you say you have come to accept that your friend is the way she is, what does that mean when the way she is actually makes you burn with quiet rage? Why accept that in a friendship?
If you truly have accepted your friend as she is and are genuine in your ask for coping mechanisms, bearing the responsibility for managing your rage as you enjoy the benefits of the friendship, I do have some advice. This friendship might be salvageable if you reduce your exposure to her. First, stop following her on social media. You don’t have to unfollow or unfriend, which she would likely notice; depending on the platform, there are ways you can simply mute the posts of hers you see. This way, the little things that bug you about your friend won’t eat away at you as much in between your visits because you won’t be as exposed to them.
I would also reduce the number of weekend visits you have together. Four or five is a lot for long-distance friends who like most everything about each other; it’s a TON when the long-distance friend so often enrages you. Maybe next year you cut the weekend visits in half. Do two or three instead of four or five, and see if that makes your friend more tolerable. And if it doesn’t? If reducing exposure to this person still leaves you feeling frustrated by her antics, it might be time to re-evaluate this friendship. A long history has value, but it doesn’t and shouldn’t make up for a slew of what might otherwise be friendship-ending behaviors.
Finally, if you have the resources for it, therapy could be a good way to explore the self-esteem issues you alluded to and the effect your sense of self-worth has on your relationships. People with healthy self-esteem don’t typically put themselves in regular proximity with those who quietly enrage them, by choice. They don’t invest multiple weekends and money into friendships that frustrate them as much as this one seems to frustrate you. A good therapist could help you make choices and set boundaries that better support enjoying the relationships you have rather than quietly resenting them. In the long run, this would be a better investment of your time and money than weekends with someone you don’t currently have the coping mechanisms to deal with.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
With some people, you just have to tell yourself to ignore the ridiculous. I had a coworker who I found difficult, but then another coworker said to me, “He’s a knucklehead but not a bad person. Don’t take it to heart.” It helped a lot. Can you lightly joke to your friend that she’s being a drama queen or thank goodness superwoman is there to save the day? Or just stay silent and picture her as Miss Piggy and laugh it off (internally). She doesn’t sound evil or mean. Just annoying.