“How Do I Tell Him Money Is Of Utmost Importance?”
I don’t actively pursue men, but I have many people who would want to date me, and I do go on dates when I think it’s worth it (one guy took me to my first football game a couple months ago – front row at the end zone – but he was over a decade older). Recently, someone I used to be in love with, but we never dated, came back into my life. He’s my age and is also in college, which means he could be broke. He says I’m his soulmate. I’ve been proposed to already so I’m jaded when people say that. I find that obsession is sometimes mis-categorized as true love. He is objectively unattractive (but I don’t care about looks all that much) and lives with his parents (which is fine to me). I’d rather be honest with myself and him, than to lead him on and drop him on his head, so how do I communicate to him that money is of utmost importance? I have high standards and if he says I’m his “soulmate,” he needs to meet my standards or I’d rather stay single.
We are going to get coffee in two weeks, and as of right now I don’t know his major or where he is with his academics. I understand I am being very gold-diggery but I am forward-thinking and your partner is the biggest financial investment. Please help! — Gold-Diggery
I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to talk to you like you’re my daughter because at 23, you could be. What if money isn’t the utmost importance? What if, in a romantic relationship, there were other qualities that brought more happiness, more security, more fulfillment than money? And what if, embracing pragmatism and the need for money to buy survival and comfort, you also embraced the idea that one’s financial trajectory is rarely set in stone, let alone before even graduating from college? And what if, over the course of your life ahead of you, YOU were the one to provide the financial security you crave, freeing you to pursue potential dates not by the motivating factor of money but by other qualities that might bring enjoyment, fulfillment, companionship, and a connection that money alone can’t buy you?
Life is hard. It’s also beautiful and worth living to the fullest. I would hate for my daughter – I do have a real daughter (and a son!) – to forgo so much of what brings joy in this life for the potential of material comfort alone, as if material comfort will care for you when you’re sick, hold you after a bad day, or celebrate your wins with you when they come. There’s so much to a romantic partnership beyond the potential financial partnership that often comes with a longterm commitment. Are you sure those things don’t matter to you?
If you’re sure – even at your tender age – that you are ready to prioritize money above all else, to proclaim it of the “utmost importance,” then my advice to you is to not go out with this 23-year-old college student who lives with his parents. There’s nothing about his current situation that suggests he can provide for you in the way you think you want a “soulmate” to provide for you. If you really want to live the gold-digger lifestyle – and, again, I wouldn’t advise this if you want to experience true love – you should stick to the guy who took you to your first football game with front row seats at the end zone. Why didn’t you go out with him again? Because he’s over a decade over? Good luck finding someone under 30 who is independently wealthy enough to keep you in the front row. You’re definitely not going to find him in a 23-year-old college student living at home with his parents. Don’t waste your time or his.
I don’t know enough about the gold-digger lifestyle to advise how to find a sugar daddy, but I can tell you if that’s what you want, you better lock it down fast. At 23, your window is closing quickly, even keeping your body maintained with all the workouts, the years fly by fast. I can also tell you that once you lock down the sugar daddy, the clock is already ticking on your replacement. If you’re lucky, your man will simply have young mistresses while you look the other way to maintain your lifestyle. Even with plastic surgery, fillers and botox, women age out of being sugar babies by 30 or 35.
I don’t know, it seems like such a sad, empty life, but if it’s what you want, a coffee date with a 23-year-old who doesn’t have a home of his own isn’t going to get you closer to it. Then again, maybe looking in places that don’t have what you want, you’ll find that you actually want something else after all.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I think you should also consider that life and circumstances are not static and can be unpredictable. Your” dollar daddy” could lose his money through illness, disability ,or stupidity like gambling or other addictions or be disinherited or his zillion dollar company goes PPFFFT. Add that to Wendy’s words of wisdom. So choose wisely.
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If you want to be financially comfortable, earn your own money. Focus on building a career …you’re only 23! That will give you the independence and maturity to find a relationship that has more qualities than simply dollar signs
But, but, but she’s hot! She works out three to five times a week. She shouldn’t have to worry about a career – those are for unattractive women who can’t bag rich men.
Never judge a book by it’s cover. He may be the type of guy who has a nice little trust fund but chooses not to flash it around because he’s not intrested in gold-diggers like you. Ever thought of that? Or maybe he’s just a poor college student right now who will start at the bottom like most college graduates but has everything it takes to become very successful financially in the future. Personally I looked for the type of guy Wendy suggested and I would never trade this wonderful man for a billion dollars. I wish you the best.
While money is important, it is only important up to meeting your life’s needs. But it doesn’t come close to fulfilling your emotional needs as wendy articulated so well. In fact chasing it will likely create even more of a void in you. Chasing money destroys happiness. I’ve seen it happen. Also if you’re financially dependent on someone else, you are likely to become stuck in a bad relationship as it will be difficult to get out if anything happens. A lack of work experience makes it harder to get a job, no money means you need to live with your parents and that’s unfair to them, etc. Sugar daddies are also the type to leverage your dependence on them and then drop you like a rock the moment you get sick or get the slightest line under your eye. I recommend you go to therapy and try to get rid of your unhealthy view of money. You never know. Some day you may lose your job to being laid off, or get in an accident. No one ever thinks something will happen to them until it does. Best of luck. Oh but be honest with this guy. Tell him you’re not ready for dating at this point in your life. That you have a lot of work to do. And if what any of us said hasn’t sunk in, be honest and say you won’t date him because he’s broke. At least then he’ll get over you faster and his worst emotion will be embarrassment that he ever thought you were his soulmate.
You’re “broke”, living with your family, but judging a college student your same age? Stability matters as your 20s progress, but if you’re not financially stable, why does he have to be? Fix your own problems if you care so much.
I absolutely cannot stand the values of this LW. Even the way they describe themselves is full of shallow displays of self-worth. Her goals sound like sex work (there’s nothing wrong with that- as long as you know not to expect a long term relationship). At the same time, given their age, it came from somewhere… they were told from someone that their worth is in their body, what football tickets they get, and public displays of narcissistic altruism. I hope there can be a turn around, but it has to have zero to do with this “soul mate”. If he knew what she was asking, he might feel differently.
Wendy was a lot more kind than I would be. Some men on the internet cry that women are only interested in money and it makes me mad… then I read this and find out it’s true for some? How depressing for us all.
I re-met my husband at 23. We had known and had crushes on each other in HS but never dated. I was about to graduate college, he had gone on a wild road a few years before getting his head on straight so was only 1.5y in. Before we were official, I went to lunch w this man who had flown in from Nebraska, theoretically to see his former college buddies but really to see me… He was 7y older, had a house, established. I told the man: you know, I know if we dated I know I could probably marry you. It would be really easy, like walking in to a ready made life. But….(I told him about my recent reconnection) I think I still have one good try in me left. I want someone I can grow with, build something, even if it’s harder.” He understood.
18 months later, I married my still-in-college husband, which was a huge leap of faith (we had talked about it very early…both knew we wanted to but he had wanted to wait til he could support us both since he’s old fashioned like that, then life forced our hand and we embraced it)….but, in spite of things, on a character level, he was so motivated and disciplined and just morally had such clarity, I just knew no matter what life threw at him he was going to be successful. We lived on my piddly salary and his summer and part time work while he finished up taking 18-21 credit hours to make it faster, drove crappy cars, only had maybe 1.5 months of savings at any given time, and as soon as he graduated his career took off like a rocket while I had a bunch of kids and worked occasionally but mostly him. Now, going on 14y I look around… We have bought and sold 3 houses, now in our forever home that’s somehow on a couple acres, yet just 4 minutes to grocery, restaurants, w 4 kids and a few losses, having weathered the ups and downs of life, health, the fat-and-lean times, and all we have built, relying on God and each other. It’s pretty cool knowing we did that, together. It’s ok to struggle a little starting out. It builds character and makes you appreciate “making it” all the more.
LW, hi! Most women aren’t climbing the socioeconomic ladder by landing a rich man. Rather, the women who end up marrying rich are doing so because they already occupy the same spaces as those wealthy men. Sometimes that means both come from money. Other times it’s two highly educated with high earning potential pairing off because they’re going to the same schools, working at the same companies, or otherwise running in the same social circles. So since you don’t come from money, your best chances of meeting a high earner (or someone with the potential to become one) are by focusing on your education and career. Which also happens to be the best thing for you since it means you’ll never have to be financially dependent on a man.
And, hey, I’m not gonna knock you for your values/priorities. Things are hard for people right now and I suppose I can see why someone who has no money would treat it as the most I’m important. But, here are some other qualities that you may want to prioritize instead of just looking at someone’s current job as an indicator of likely income:
– ability to live within their means (quite a few high earners live paycheck to paycheck)
– generosity (not everyone who brings in a lot of money will be generous with that money, even to you, even if you are married… they may consider it “mine, not ours”)
– financial management skills (to budget and invest and plan for the long-term)
– tenacity (to overcome life setbacks, like losing a job)
Anyway, if you do expect anyone you date to have money right now, you’ll want to avoid most students and most men in your general age range. There are sites for sugar babies looking for sugar daddies, if that’s what you want, or you could try a dating site that lets you filter matches by income. The more money you expect a partner to make, the more your pool will be limited.
And, keep in mind that these men will also have to pick you in return, so the qualities you bring to the table will have to meet their standards.
Honestly, LW? If you’re set on finding a rich man to take care of you, I’d get out of LA if I were you. As you said, everyone there is hot, so what makes you special? If you don’t want or cannot do that, then you need to make yourself stand out and be a better catch that every other hot woman in her 20s in LA. Are you educated? Do you have an interesting job? Interesting hobbies? Talents? What makes you more than just a rich guy’s flavor of the week? Because, as Wendy said, time is short when you’re relying on your looks to make it and even more so when there’s a whole city full of other hot chicks.