“My Husband Keeps Loaning Money to His Alcoholic Father”
We did not combine finances until we married so I did not feel it was my place to tell him what to do with his money when we were dating, but now that we’re married and all of our money is combined, I feel like my husband is asking me to enable his (seemingly functional) alcoholic, addict father. Since our marriage is newish, we are now establishing a precedent of loaning his father money and letting him know that, if he wastes all of his money on drugs, etc., we will be his safety net. I explained this to my husband, who insists that his relationship with his father is extremely complicated, that his dad always pays him back, and that he loves him and cannot just “abandon” him when he’s in need, since he only asks for loans when he’s really, really stuck. For example, the last time was when he was traveling and ran out of money, he couldn’t do anything until we sent him $200.
For background: He and and my mother-in-law, who is, ironically, an extremely motivated and self-sufficient person, divorced when my husband was a teenager. My husband is the eldest of three siblings, and he is closer to his dad than his siblings are. His siblings are both very together people like their mom, and they have confided in me that they cut their dad off long ago. The mom found out that my husband was still lending the father money and she was really upset with their father. I explained to my husband how worrisome it is that his rational family whom he loves has cut their dad off, and that they did so for a reason, yet he insists that his relationship with his dad is different and that, until the dad fails to pay him back specifically, he owes him the benefit of the doubt. I disagree.
I know the answer to issues with in-laws is that the spouse should be the buffer and deal with their parents, but my husband seems to have a weird blind spot when it comes to his dad. We have a fundamental disagreement about the difference between supporting and enabling in this case. For the record, not that I believe it matters since we are married, my husband and I both make a good income, though I make slightly more. — Uncomfortable with Enabling
First, some practical advice: set up a monthly budget with your husband where you agree on how much money each of you has with which to do whatever you want. As long as the money is within the amount that you have budgeted and agreed upon, what you spend it on is really not the other person’s business. In theory, that frees you of the worry you have about the relationship between your husband and his father, and, because you aren’t involved, it frees you from the anxiety you feel about enabling your FIL.
Of course, theory is different from reality and it sounds like the money isn’t so much your concern — after all, what’s $100 or $200 here and there when it’s paid back and you’re financially comfortable? You’re concerned about the message you’re sending to your FIL. You’re worried that, by bailing him out, you’re letting him know that you’re OK with his behavior. My suggestion: let your husband worry about his father and you focus on what message you’re sending your husband. Do you want to be a source of support to him or a source of added pressure and stress? I would back off and let him work through the complicated relationship he has with his father without the pressure of you analyzing every move.
I get that you don’t want to feel manipulated and taken advantage of. Who does? But the thing is, sometimes it’s worth more to just love within loosely defined boundaries even at the risk of being manipulated than it is to set super-strict boundaries at the risk of losing an important relationship. Your husband’s relationship with his father, however complicated it is, exists within loosely-set boundaries. Your husband loans, on a regular basis, what is to you both a not-very-large sum of money, and your FIL always pays it back. That’s a boundary. There are probably others. You get to be privy to these boundaries and, so far, everyone respects them. Is this a perfect situation? No. No situation IS perfect. Closer to perfect would be if your FIL weren’t an addict. Closer to perfect would be if there weren’t such complicated feelings between your husband and his dad. It’s never going to be perfect. But within these loosely-set boundaries, there’s a relationship, and, for now, that seems to be OK. It seems to work.
If you want to discuss with your husband what happens when those boundaries aren’t respected, that’s probably a good idea. What will he do if his father stops paying him back? What will he do if his father asks for a loan that is bigger than what your husband is prepared to give? What would happen if your FIL ever threatened anyone in the family or showed up at your place drunk or high? What if he were arrested or lost his job? Talking through these different scenarios will help give you some peace of mind. And it will help your husband hang on to the relationship he has with his father. It’s far from perfect, but it exists. And for now, that’s important to your husband — important enough to risk being manipulated and to risk enabling bad behavior. So, support your husband, and let his relationship with his dad, however complicated it is, continue.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
This kind of issue would definitely fall under the category of things that should have been discussed before marriage – since you knew about this situation already. While the discussions and limits on loans to your father-in-law would work at keeping things in check in the short-term, what you’re likely looking at in the long term is an unemployed old addict with liver cirrhosis/cancer washing up on your doorstep.
I say your husband should truly be a loving son and do his utmost to get some intervention for his father. We don’t know why he’s self-medicating but a solid health checkup plus strong encouragement to get drug and alcohol/family counseling would be a better kind of help to give than tossing $100 to him while the whirlpool of addiction slowly drags him under. Best wishes to you and your family!
I feel for you, LW. My current husband’s father is a recovering alcoholic, pill popping, misogynistic, leech.
He moved in with us for about a year. In that time, I saw just how bad his addiction really was. To the point that he was stealing my pain medication to augment his own pain pills, PLUS buying pills off the street. He went through 60 of my pills in a week before I started doing daily counts instead of weekly. He stole the keys to our lock box for my meds. He would borrow money from us (for more pills, I am assuming). Since I was the main financial support, he would get pissy if my husband cleared loans with me before “lending” money (we were never paid back).
When my pills started going missing, I laid down the law: Police, rehab, or move out. If any more pills went missing, I would call the police. Period. He chose to move in with his parents in CO (we live in AK). He continued his pill-popping down there.
I agree with Wendy and the other commenters from the forum – set up a monthly budget. An addict will not get help unless s/he wants help. You can’t force it, unless you want the cops/courts involved. Only involve them if money is stolen, medications are stolen, being on the influence of substances while driving, or anything else illegal (besides the actual consumption of the illegal substances).
I also suggest creating a plan for what happens should your FIL lose his job or his addiction becomes so unmanageable that he loses the ability to hold down a job and loses everything in the process. Will you allow him to live with you? Will you allow substance use in your own home to placate his addiction? Will you financially support him?
My own answers to those questions were: yes, within reason; oh hell no; and only if he is actively participating in treatment (I got discounts since I work for the biggest rehab non-profit in my state).
Revisit your budget whenever something life-changing happens. Like having a baby. Will your husband be willing to choose his father’s addiction over his own child? Children can be very expensive and that extra $100-$200/mo can really add up when a child is in the mix.
Good luck, you’re going to need it.
“DW… When I married my husband, I knew ALL about issue a. I had said NOTHING to him for YEARS and YEARS. But NOW I want issue a to be handled MY way. Oh. Wait. Let me explain how issue a is in no way a big deal in paragraph after paragraph and that i probably should really just shut up about it. But I won’t. I can’t. Blah blah blah blah blah blah…”
Exactly don’t die on this hill
How other people handle money – and their sex lives – are topics that ALWAYS FASCINATE ME. I don’t know why.
LW- What does your husband feel like the money he is giving his father is going towards to support? AKA, does your husband agree with you that his father has an alcohol/drug addiction? If so, it might be helpful for him or both of you to attend a support group for family members of those with addictions. Because your husband is enabling your father, and it in all likely-hood it will only get worse. How would your husband feel his father ended up in jail, the hospital, or dead (or was the cause of someone else ending up in one of those places?). Your husband needs to realize and be honest with himself about what is going on. Hearing other people who are going through the same thing can be very helpful and powerful.
I totally understand not wanting to support an addict FIL and wanting to take a stand. If he was your father, you might deal with this differently. I myself had a long discussion with my sister the other day about some aspects of Bassanio’s relationship with his parents and the history there, which I have discussed at length with Bassanio over the past 9 years. It helped me feel a little better about my own feelings towards his family dynamics and that I’m not crazy, but drove home that those are second to his relationship with his parents. When it doesn’t directly affect me, I make sure they’re really mistreating Bassanio before I will say something and I’d like to think that I’ve helped him stand up to his parents when it was warranted. There’s a relative (or more) in every family, but it’s hardest when it’s someone in your nuclear family. It seems like your husband might one day follow in his other family member’s footsteps and cut his father off, but this is one of those situations where you really do need to separate your own feelings about the FIL and supporting your husband, which it sounds like you’re on the path to doing. In my experience, having decided-upon limits when it comes to certain family members has been immensely helpful.
First off, everything Wendy advised is spot on, but the one thing I’d like to drive home is how important it is that you be supportive to your husband, especially since the established boundaries of the situation are being respected. I’ve lived on both sides of this issue. My ex and I both have dysfunctional parents who leeched off us (and still do/try to). I know the feeling of being angry for your partner when they are being manipulated by an abusive parent, and I think your indignation about the issue comes from that. However, the tone of this letter is just over the line of caring and has entered judgmental. It’s great that you come from a stable family, and that you recognize this means your ability to empathize with your husband’s upbringing is slightly impaired. I’d encourage you to work on cultivating that compassion. If I felt judgment from my partner of all people on the way I handle my mentally ill mother, it would definitely drive a pretty big wedge between us. This is one of those situations where you being super compassionate is a must, even if it feels forced at first. And frankly, I don’t think it’s that difficult of a thing to accomplish.
I have a huge problem with spouses not putting each other first, but in this case, I’d let it go. He’s not taking large sums of money that were supposed to go to a down payment on your house or anything. He’s not taking anything away from you and it doesn’t really affect you. He has a soft spot for his father. I can understand that. They say you need to pick your battles. When I think of all the potential disagreements in a marriage, this one’s not so bad. (Wait till you have kids!)
My (sober alcoholic) husband’s father was also an addict. It is an incredibly difficult relationship to navigate. I strongly recommend that you and your husband both go to some Al Anon meetings *before* the situation escalates (as situations with addicts invariably do). I think your husband in particular will find it eye opening.
Separating finances somewhat so you each have your own money to spend how you like without judgement is a good idea. I do find it strange that your example of money being lent was when your FIL was stranded. That is a type of emergency that can’t be ignored. Maybe give him some grace, and hopefully he will straighten out.
You did right thing not to pressure him. But do support him because think from his point of view, he have to support his father , family and you. Pressure from all sides can make him down. Some one should understand and support him through hard life.