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The rest of the night, I kept myself busy, trying to ignore my feelings. Finally, I had to go over there, but this was 2 am. I thought that, if that car was in his driveway at that time of morning, I would know that something wasn’t right. Well, it was there. I have a key he gave me, and at this point I was hoping to find someone passed out on his couch or some other scenario that wasn’t so bad, but instead I found a woman in bed with him. I’m not sure if she was naked, but he didn’t have a shirt on. They were asleep. I stood there dumbfounded, and she woke up and jumped, and then he woke up. I just said: “Cheater,” and then ran out. I know I could have handled it so much better…
I went back there in the morning because I wanted to talk, but he wasn’t home. I texted him and his only response was telling me to leave his house and leave his key. It’s three days later, I’ve heard nothing from him, and I’m still so upset. I asked him if he is sorry at all, and his response is that I’m over-reacting. I asked him how it’s over-reacting when you find a woman in bed with your boyfriend who is naked? And he said this is the last time he will reply to me, and to not ever contact him, and to have a good life!
I know he’s pissed I came in without telling him, even though he gave me a key a couple months ago. I know it was disrespectful, but I had a bad feeling and needed to see for myself what was going on. No matter if he was cheating or not, his response tells me I mean nothing to him. He’s cared about me, and even loved me, since high school, and we got re-connected just a few months ago, 27 years later — it felt like fate. I can’t believe how cold-hearted he is when he is the one who screwed up! I keep feeling that, if we could have talked about it the next day, he would have explained, and it wouldn’t be like this.
He is an INTJ personality which is 1% of the population, and now I’m beginning to think he is also a narcissistic sociopath. What are your thoughts? — The Other 99%
I hardly know where to begin with my thoughts! Maybe I’ll start here: When you say you could have handled better finding your boyfriend in bed naked with another woman in the middle of the night, what does that even mean? Anything that doesn’t result in shaved heads, busted headlights, or broken windshields IS handling it pretty well, in my book. And when you say you wish your boyfriend would have had a chance to explain what was going on: Um, he DID have a chance to explain, and the reason he didn’t is because WHAT WAS THERE TO EXPLAIN? You caught him in bed naked with another woman. What explanation for that could possibly make that scenario ok? Really? What could he have said that would make you think, “Oh, ok, that makes sense, and now I totally believe that you absolutely weren’t cheating”? NOTHING. Because, of course he was cheating. And the fact that you might even entertain the idea that he wasn’t cheating — that there could be some other plausible explanation for a random naked woman in his bed with him in the middle of the night while he ignored your texts — means you live so far in the land of denial that your passport back to reality may have expired. But I hope it hasn’t. And I hope seeing your words here in print, as well as the comments they’re sure to garner, will be enough of a reality check for you to MOA.
As for your ex-boyfriend being a narcissistic sociopath, I hardly think cheating on a girlfriend and then acting like an asshole about it makes someone a sociopath. But if you’re asking me to do amateur armchair psychoanalysis, I think the more interesting question is why you seem to believe this relationship isn’t 100%, completely finished. And I can only surmise that you don’t believe you deserve better than this. But, you do. You do.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.