“I Despise My Husband”
It’s not that he’s abusive or even neglectful; I just plain DO NOT like him or being around him. If I met him now, I would not only not be attracted to him, I would probably truly dislike him. But how do you tell someone who isn’t abusive or even necessarily a bad husband that you just don’t like him? I want a divorce because I could be with someone whom I really make more sense with, and he could be with someone who truly loves him, but it doesn’t seem fair to divorce someone who hasn’t technically done anything wrong.
My therapist suggested we go on more dates, but we do that all the time, and we have a pretty normal sex life as well, and it hasn’t helped me foster feelings for my husband. What should I do? — Feeling like the Wicked Witch
It’s great that you’re in therapy, but have you considered going to therapy with your husband as a couple? It may not save your marriage — and, frankly, nothing you’ve said sounds like you WANT to save you marriage — but if nothing else, having a mediator would help you both communicate the things you find difficult to say (like that you aren’t happy and want a divorce). What I would NOT say to your husband if I were you is that you despise him and can’t stand being in his company. Instead, focus on how you think you’ve grown apart and are no longer the best match for one another that you each deserve. Divorces can get ugly and messy, but they don’t have to be. If you remain civil, so can your divorce. Start making personal attacks and you may be in for a long, unpleasant breakup.
My boyfriend of two years is 22 and lives with family members. They use him and try to take all of his money; he hates living there, but he has no other place to go. We really want to move in together because of our situations, but we both know it’s wrong because we are not married yet. What should we do? We both cannot take these living conditions any longer. And I don’t know what to do. We have been praying about it though. — Praying About It
First of all, do you think living together before marriage is really “wrong,” or is that something you know your parents believe and you don’t want to upset them? I would suggest doing some soul-searching about why you think it’s wrong. If it’s because you have a religion that says premarital sex is wrong, then… well, probably actually having sex before marriage is the bigger “sin” than sharing an address. And if you’re already having sex, what difference does it make if you live together? That said, moving in with a significant other “because of your situations” is not a great reason.
There are other ways to address your “situation” that don’t involve moving your relationship to a step neither of you is ready for. (Check this list to see how ready you are to move in with someone). One thing each of you could do is get different roommates. You could kick out your current roommate and find another friend, friend of a friend, or well-vetted person online to move in with you — someone who has a job and can pay her bills on time. And your boyfriend could stop giving all his money to the family he’s staying with and find someone who has an apartment and needs a roommie. This isn’t really that hard. You’re both 22 — technically adults. Find roommates who don’t take advantage of you and don’t compromise the status of your relationship.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
“I completely DESPISE my husband because HE has a disgustingly negative outlook!”
Oh, the irony…
Amen to that. And the “we have a normal sex life” thing? So you despise him but still have sex with him regularly? That doesn’t even make sense.
I mean, I’d suggest going to couples therapy too, but what’s the point if you’ve already closed your mind to the possibility of fixing the relationship? How about TRYING that before throwing away a marriage?
That caught me too – I mean, I don’t know about most people but I can’t have a normal sex life with someone I despise. Sure, some mean-spirited sex is good, but not conducive to a “normal” sex life.
right?!
LW, it sounds like you have made up your mind. So cut your losses. You don’t want to save this. If you were ready to work on it, then there might be some things you could do but honestly, if you don’t want to save this then you should just leave.
This letter was brimming with SO much resentment that I’d say skip couples therapy, ask for a divorce, and cut your losses now.
First off, you don’t despise your husband simply because you married too young. Second, if you are so convinced that you cannot be happy with your husband, then you would actually be doing him a favor to leave. You don’t need a specific major fault on his part. If you despise him, you don’t belong together.
I have to wonder about the therapist you are going to… Is this a religiously based thing that would never suggest divorce? Because it kind of baffles me that any therapist would tell you to just go on more dates. I mean maybe you haven’t even admitted these feelings to your therapist?
Regardless, just divorce him. I agree with Wendy about being civil and not an asshole about it, but my god your so unhappy, just do it. That is your reason.
You should probably just get a divorce. I’m not sure many relationships come back from one person despising the other. I sort of know how you feel because I dated a guy for a while who I thought was charmingly curmudgeonly, and then later on, after we were just friends, I started to see how pompous and critical he was. Not someone I despise, but just someone that I couldn’t be around 24/7.
Anyway, I think it’s really bizarre that you think you should stay married to someone you practically hate just because he hasn’t done anything wrong. Let him go and find someone who actually might like him.
You don’t divorce someone because they did something wrong. Divorce isn’t a punishment you’re imposing on him. Divorce is for when a relationship is no longer working for whatever reason, and there isn’t any hope of fixing it. If you think you two can work it out, try couples counseling, but it doesn’t sound like you’re even interested in making it work. If you’re not, tell him nicely that you think it’s time to move on.
If my husband despised me I’d want him to do me a favor by leaving me. There’s no way I’d want to create a life with a guy who didn’t even like me. Do him a favor and get out. And while you’re at it, make sure you don’t get pregnant.
If I had a dollar for every over-opinionated, high on his crystal clear vision of the world young man I’ve known, I’d have a few dollars gathered up now just from within my own family. Thankfully, they all appear to be growing out of this obnoxious phase…
It is easy, too easy, to fall into the trap of blaming it all on the other person. No one operates in a vacuum, which means you are contributing to this dynamic by commission or omission. His brooks-no-dissent high horse attitude and your secretly despising the ground he walks on resentment are equally bad, equally disrespectful, and equally unloving. Is that how you want to roll in this marriage (or out of it?). Get a third party involved to learn how to communicate fairly and cut off this destructive cycle. Right now is the opportunity for you both to “resonate some understanding” and acquire those life skills.
Things do not have to be a catastrophe before you are allowed to leave. Take control of your life, quit being passive and know that if you are unhappy with how your life turned out it is your fault. You took those steps and you are the only one who can take the steps to a better life.
It sounds like your just looking for someone to say it’s okay to divorce your husband.
IT’S OKAY TO DIVORCE YOUR HUSBAND.
There, now MOA.
Look, you got married young and as you’ve grown up, you and your husband have become totally different people. I don’t think it makes either of you bad people, but it makes you each very different from the person you fell in love with.
If you want to save this relationship, do what Wendy said and go to couples counseling. But if you truly despise and resent him, I’m not sure what the fix for those feelings are (other than the fact that you’re both still pretty young and as you both continue to grow up he might grow up into someone you like again, as well as love). But are you willing to risk years of being pretty miserable on that possibility?
People grow apart. You two married young, and neither of you were done growing up. You both are still growing up.
Couples therapy would be good in the aspect that you may find out he wants a divorce too. There is nothing wrong with wanting a divorce because the two of you just aren’t feeling it anymore.
You can divorce someone when there’s no real “reason” other than you two have grown apart. Do it not only for yourself, but for him as well. Neither of you need to be in a loveless marriage.
This could have been written by me before I left my first husband. He, too, had done nothing wrong; I just couldn’t stand him any more. People change; relationships fail, and “wanting to leave is enough.” Leave him so he can find someone who loves him and wants to be around him. You’ll both be happier.
Like a couple of other commenters, I have definitely been this LW before. I got married at 17. I was divorced by the time I was 19, because you change SO much so quickly at that age. When I was younger, my husband (who was 22, btw) was a genius in my eyes. But after a year or so, I realized he was just an overly critical douchebag. The divorce was really messy emotionally because of how immature we both were, so I’d say LW should be aware that it’ll probably get dramatic. However, I think it’s definitely the best course of action for her.
If you really hate the guy, there’s no reason that either one of you should be stuck in that situation any longer than you already have been.
Disgusted by how every woman here is, OF COURSE, blaming the woman and using this message to tear HER to shreds even though she said her husband is this awful, argumentative human. Let’s talk about how women do nothing these day but try desperately to tear women in relationships down while acting like said woman’s spouse is a saint. Always, ALWAYS, lifting the man up and using this “poor husband” mentality. Gross! You all seem like desperate trash. Women do this in an attempt to look like they’re Team Men so men will like them more. But NEWS FLASH: this is the Internet; you’re not going to meet Prince Charming in the comments section of an, “I despise my husband” post. How about for once reading a post where a woman is fed up with her husband and thinking, “That must suck for her” rather than trying to pick the message apart and FIND ways to throw shade at her and make HER look like she’s unstable. We get it, you like men and desperately want their approval; doesn’t mean you have to trash the female portion of every relationship you ever see. A woman’s husband isn’t going to see you sticking up for him and want you. Nobody is going to want someone so catty and desperate. Nobody.
I can’t think of myself in general of feeling contempt for a ‘negative’ person like your husband. I could eventually strongly dislike such a person, more in the sense of going to be soundly fed up with him/her. To dislike someone is a far cry from despising him/her. I’m thinking therefore that you don’t really despise your husband. But nevertheless it can be said that your relationship has landed at a point where divorce seems to be a real option.
Toine