“I Don’t Want to be Her Bridesmaid!”
In the current case, I’m the only “friend” the bride has left having alienating every other female in her life. I see her maybe quarterly for coffee with no communication in between. She told me via text message she got engaged (a week after it happened). Committing to a wedding party takes a lot of time, energy, and money. When it comes to a destination wedding, this takes on an even greater commitment of time and money. It seems unfair to ask me to spend $1800+ and a week of my holiday time just to be a part of someone’s wedding whom I am no longer close with. I live on my own, work, pay my own bills, and get only three weeks of holiday time a year.
I’m currently in a long-term relationship where future planning discussions are taking place, so I hope I don’t come across as jealous. I’m very happy for all my friends who are settling down and more than happy to pitch in where needed when my real friends decide to get married. My female friendships are very important to me, and I work hard to balance my life accordingly. I don’t want to burn bridges, but I also don’t want to give in and be miserable (and broke) by agreeing to be a part of these events in the future. I’d appreciate any advice you can give me. I’m nearing 30, so I know I’m going to be facing this for many years to come. — Unwilling Bridesmaid
I’ll get to your main question in a minute, but first can we just talk about how you’re worried you’ll be “facing this [problem] for many years to come”? I assume by “this problem” you mean being asked to be in weddings of people you’re no longer friends with, which is sort of weird, right? I mean, how many former friends do you have who still feel that close to you even though you aren’t really in each other’s lives anymore? I could understand knowing one or two people like that, but to know so many that you’re worried about being harassed for years to come to be in weddings of people you no longer feel close to? That’s weird. I’m not saying you’re lying, but I wonder if you’re from a region where it’s normal to have “representatives,” so to speak, from different points of your live to stand up in your wedding. That might explain why you’ve been asked to represent the high school era for friends you no longer have relationships with.
Anyhow, I guess it doesn’t matter so much why you keep being asked to stand in these weddings; it’s more important how you can graciously say no. This is a question I get a lot this time of year, and let me say, definitively and for the record, to everyone who is reading this right now: there is nothing to feel guilty about in turning down an invitation to be a bridesmaid for someone whom you don’t like, whom don’t have a relationship with and/or who expects you to spend more than you can comfortably afford. If you are gracious in giving the message that you won’t be a bridesmaid and the bride is a bitch about it, that’s on her. If she doesn’t talk to you anymore or cuts you out of her life or whatever, then she wasn’t someone you’d want in your life anyway.
As for how to be gracious in delivering your message, the specific language depends on your reason — or the reason you want her to believe — that you won’t be in her wedding party, but generally this works well: “I’m so happy that you’ve found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and I’m flattered that you’d honor me with such a special role in the wedding. Unfortunately, because of a limited budget and vacation time I won’t be able to accept your offer. I hope you understand.” If you follow that up with a nice gift, you should be in the clear. Again, if you aren’t — if the bride really holds it against you that you wouldn’t use your limited vacation time or break your budget to stand in a wedding for someone you hardly know anymore, who cares? It’s not like you were looking forward to a life-long, intimate friendship with her anyway.
So, say, “Thanks, but no thanks,” and don’t waste another minute feeling bad about it.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW, take Wendy’s advice. Just say no. It’s really not a big deal.
Follow Wendy’s advice, LW. There’s nothing wrong with saying no, & I think the example “Thanks, but no thanks” message Wendy gave in the second-to-last paragraph is perfect.
As for the notion that you’ll be “facing this for many years”– I think you’re magnifying the issue due to the negativity you feel. You’ve only dealt with this situation (if I’m reading correctly) once before? I get that it’s awkward, but if something like this HAPPENS to occur again, just re-read Wendy’s advice. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be involved (at the bridesmaid level) in someone’s wedding.
I will say that if you are really not liking this girl and dont see being friends in the future, you should totally listen to Wendy. She is right on target on how to handle this tactfully.
However, I want to just say this. It is so important to keep old friends. It is so important to have people in your life that knew you before you were married or had kids or just got old. I know so many people that don’t keep in touch with anyone from high school then noone from college. Then all of the sudden, they only have friends that know them as “Johnny’s Mom” OR “Steve’s wife” OR “The girl from Accounting”. You can get lost and not be your own person. You don’t know how important it is to have people who knew you before all of that. And the friends you are closest to change with each passing year.
Now, the bride in question might not be the person you want to stay connected with and that is fine. But don’t be too quick to blow off friends because you are geting older and growing apart. One other point, If you are almost thirty, I believe you are almost done with being a bridesmaid. I think you will find that as the brides get older, they are less likely to have large bridal parties.
What you’re trying to say, cporoski, is that at 33.5, I will never find true love and my ovaries are shriveled raisins? You didn’t have to be so blunt about it. I was already depressed today, now I’m depresseder.
Wendy is sooo right. This is worth repeating again:
“there is nothing to feel guilty about in turning down an invitation to be a bridesmaid for someone whom you don’t like, whom don’t have a relationship with and/or who expects you to spend more than you can comfortably afford. If you are gracious in giving the message that you won’t be a bridesmaid and the bride is a bitch about it, that’s on her. If she doesn’t talk to you anymore or cuts you out of her life or whatever, then she wasn’t someone you’d want in your life anyway”
I would never ask a good friend to be in my bridal party – I couldn’t do that to someone I care about. Sounds like these brides are the same, and maybe that’s why the LW keeps getting asked by people she’s no longer friends with.
like wendy said, don’t feel guilty about saying no. i had to say no this past year to being a bridesmaid for a destination wedding because of the price. this was someone who i was and still am very close to. you can still remain friends even if you decline being her bridesmaid.
i too am a little confused as to why you think this is going to keep happening for years to come. only you know how many friends/acquaintances you have but more than likely this is something that probably will start to dwindle in the years to come. and just remember that you can say no. honestly no bride wants someone to agree to be their bridesmaid who doesn’t want to be up there!
Emphasis on the “gracious” piece of saying no – whatever you do, for the love of all nice things, PLEASE don’t agree to be in a wedding and then get resentful and act poorly toward the bride. If your heart isn’t in it, for whatever reason, just say that you unfortunately can’t be in the wedding party but are honored to have been asked and hope that the planning, etc. goes swimmingly.
I had someone I considered to be a good friend agree to be a bridesmaid and then act incredibly shitty, instead of just telling me that she had scheduled her time poorly and couldn’t devote energy to being in the wedding party. It’s OK to say that you can’t be in a wedding party. It’s not OK to commit to it and then later give the bride shit about it.
Not that I’m, like, bitter or anything. *cough*
I’ve had to bow out of a friend’s wedding due to my finances, I’ve been asked to bow out of another friend’s wedding due to a lot of uncertainanty with whether I’d even be able to be there or not, and I’ve had a friend call me with a lot of guilt about not being sure her finances would permit her to be a part of mine. You know what? I’m still good friends with all three of those people.
In the first instance, I was a broke college kid, and even though she was considerate with an inexpensive gown and allowing the bridesmaids to crash at her parent’s home to save us some money (it was an out of state wedding for everyone), I still could not afford it and had to tell her. I’d never been a bridesmaid so I didn’t realize all that was involved, so in hindsight, I should have said no at the beginning, but oh well. I felt SO bad about it, but she completely understood and has never held it against me. The second instance was my best friend from high school, and I knew she was under a lot of stress, as was I, and I didn’t want to add to it, so I completely understood. And in the third instance, one of my best friends from college moved 4000 miles away to Hawaii with her Navy husband and had recently quit her job and was in a serious state of limbo with her finances. Her voice was shakey on the phone and she kept apologizing and emphasizing that she wanted to give me time to fill her shoes. I told her that I absolutely understood and I did not want her to stress out about it or feel guilty, and that I had no intentions of “replacing” her just to have even sides.
Shit happens, people’s finances are different, and you have to be respectful of both parties. Follow Wendy’s advice and woman-up and just be honest that you are flattered she included you, but your financial and job situations are such that you are not able to commit. Wish her the best. Send a nice gift (IF she’s respectful of your response, otherwise, why bother?). Continue on your merry way. No big deal. This is just one of life’s unpleasant conversations. If she was a good friend, I could understand the anxiety, but since she’s not someone you are particularly close to, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal to say no.
LW should follow Wendy’s advice and learn how to say no graciously. Since she already has been in two wedding parties of former friends whom she hadn’t heard from since high school and hasn’t heard from since, I understand why she fears than being asked to join the wedding parties of mere acquaintances won’t stop.
This seems more than a little sad for the bride. Perhaps LW senses the desperation and that’s why she finds it so hard to say no. To want the big destination wedding of your dreams and find that you have no friends or relatives closer to you than a former HS buddy you get in touch with four times a year seems really, really sad. If you want the big wedding, you might consider planning on being on better terms with your relations and having at least a few current close friends, no?
Getting in contact four times a year isn’t bad at all for staying in touch with former HS buddies, who aren’t real close geographically. I confess I don’t do any better than that. But if her relationshp with LW is the closest thing the bride has to a good friend/close female relative, that says a lot about the bride. Scrap the big destination wedding, have a small wedding of just family and no attendants, and go off to the destination for honeymoon? This just reeks of bride trying to create a mirage that has little to nothing to do with her actual life — at least if we can cound on LW having been strictly factual. It’s quite possible. In our mobile society, old ties strain quickly, especially if bride is a difficult personality.
Here’s the thing: She asked you to be a part of it because she clearly cares about you. You even said that you’re her only friend because she’s alienated everyone else, so I think you’re under-estimating how much your friendship means to her. In general, I think it’s good to respect that a friendship looks different to the people in it, and I sort of feel like if someone wants to call you their best friend, or make you their bridesmaid, you should feel honored that the little time they spend with you is so precious to them that you are who they think of. I disagree with the idea of backing out because you don’t feel as close to her as she does to you. It’s your duty as a good person and a friend (no matter how loose) to support the people who love you.
But finances are a different story. $1500 is an absurd amount of money to spend on someone else’s wedding. I wouldn’t spend that much money on my very best friend’s wedding. If a bride is asking for something that extravagant (or the travel expenses add up to something outrageous like this), then I feel it’s her duty to pay for some of it. You could tell the bride just how much it’s costing for you and explain that you can only afford to pay $ X on the wedding. Tell her that you’ll have to back out unless she can help you cover some of the expenses.
I don’t see why you have to take an entire week of your vacation time just to fly in for a rehearsal dinner and a wedding and then go back home. It’s okay to miss some of the other events.
But I have a feeling that it’s not so much about the cost to you. It sounds like you think this friend isn’t really good enough for you, or worth your time. In which case, please don’t waste hers either.
I prefaced my requests for bridesmaids with this “Please, feel free to say no if you can’t do this for any reason. I won’t be offended”. And I really meant it. I think most brides realize it is a bit of an inconvenience. If you’re polite about it, I don’t see how she could be angry.
I do feel a bit sorry for her that she has no other friends. That’s pretty horrible for her. But, it’s also not your fault. So, do what Wendy says and don’t look back!
Brides in general are much more concerned with getting married than if one specific person is there. Obviously, if you were best friends, it would be different, but you’re not. In fact, you’re implying that she (and the other one) only chose you as a space filler anyway, so why would she care so much?
Wendy’s also right about your concern over this happening to you for years and years. Not sure why you have so many friends you don’t want to see anymore, but turning down invitations as a bridesmaid isn’t that difficult, so I think you can handle it a few more times if you have to.
This is the part that stood out to me:
” I live on my own, work, pay my own bills, and get only three weeks of holiday time a year.“
Only? Now I’m the jealous one.
“I’m currently in a long-term relationship where future planning discussions are taking place, so I hope I don’t come across as jealous.”
Did anyone else find this line odd? I didn’t think this issue had anything to do with jealousy while reading- so. wait. are you actually jealous then, LW? /confused
I agree with Wendy, and I think it’s totally fine to say “thanks but no thanks” as long as you do it in a kind way. I’d also like to add this: please don’t say yes and then try to back out months later (unless you absolutely have to). If you don’t think you can do it, then just say no up front. It will more stressful if you back out and she has re-adjust her wedding plans.
Ugh. Weddings depress me for this very reason. I will probably go the route of no bridesmaids at my wedding. I am more like the bride in this scenario, in that I don’t have a lot of close friends. Some people aren’t good at it. Maybe you don’t feel like that’s good enough, and that’s understandable. But I guess I just feel for the other girl. Ah well Wendy has good advice. Being a bridesmaid is a big commitment and if you don’t feel comfortable, don’t do it!
listen to wendy.
Yes to everything Wendy said. I had some major issues with my bridesmaids, and I would have really appreciated if they just said no from the beginning. It might have actually saved our friendships. Instead, they went crazy, and well now we’re not friends anymore. It’s really not that hard to say “I’m honored that you asked, but for a number of reasons I can’t be a bridesmaid. I really hope you have a beautiful day, and I can’t wait to hear about it/see the pictures after” (if you can’t attend either).
I would have LOVED if someone said that to me before ruining multiple pre-wedding events and dropping out after I ordered programs and personalized gifts. Even though, I’m sure the homeless man in my neighbor loved his personalized “Stacey” and “Lisa” wine glasses. haha *not their real names*
Like Wendy, I found her emphasis that this would happen multiple times to be really odd. Is the LW in a habit of dropping friends? Maybe her friends wish they had a closer relationship with her and that’s why they ask her, but then she starts dropping the ball right after the wedding like before and they grow apart.
LW if you don’t want to be friends with these girls, then don’t be in their weddings and don’t be their friends. But if you do want to be friends with these girls, maybe put a little more effort into those relationships and then you’ll have a reason to be in their weddings.
I have to add that I think Wendy’s advice becomes more complicated under certain circumstances. I was asked to be in my brother’s wedding, and I am not close to him or to his (now) wife. I don’t like either of them, but I agreed to do it because my parents warned me that declining would cause an irreparable rift and would make me the bad guy forever. It’s not always a simple matter. You don’t get to choose your family or your siblings’ partners.
What happens if the bride is your future sister-in-law? Obviously, I can’t just say well, if you’re going to be a bitch, then you can get out of my life. Because we’re going to be “sisters” as she likes to say.