“I Feel Put Out Hosting My Husband’s Family and Friends”
My dear husband and I get along very easily, primarily because we see things the same way. After several years together we have hit a bit of a bump though: While I like to take care of “my” houseguests and have him take care of “his” houseguests, he sees everything as “ours” and feels insulted that I feel put-upon when his family members or friends come over. We both work, and while I generally do the cooking, I only plan meals for the two of us. I have asserted that if he wants his people over, he can plan and prepare meals for them. More importantly, I have flat-out demanded that he be home and available to entertain/babysit if he has company over. If he were to say, “I’ll be at the office but Wife will be here,” I have promised to leave the house.
All of our children were adults before we got together. While I get along well with his kin, of course I don’t feel the same as if my own were here. As I’ve gotten to know them, I feel more comfortable with them entering my lair, but I have a ways to go. Following a particularly good visit, DH seemed to assume I would welcome the next with open arms. When he asked what I would like to make for dinner for the next guests and I reminded him that it was on him, he shocked me with, “I was hoping you forgot.”
He is an excellent, upstanding man, and charmingly old-fashioned in that he takes care of the “man’s work” and pretends to not know how to operate a washing machine. I’m fine with this, but he doesn’t comprehend my introverted tendencies and dislike of the pressure this all puts on me. Even if I don’t see “his” family as “our” family, should I suck it up and prepare the guest room? — I Like Them Just Fine, But They Are Not Mine
Well, first of all, if you feel more comfortable with your husband’s family the more time you spend with them, maybe spending time with them isn’t such a bad thing? Second, it’s OK to have boundaries – I think you should! – but I’d caution against having such rigid boundaries that you don’t let anyone in and you jeopardize both your relationship and your husband’s relationship with his family and friends. It’s especially important that if the tables are reversed and you expect your husband to be present when you have people over, you don’t completely shut him or his guests out when it’s his turn to host.
So, how do you honor your own needs while remaining hospitable? You need to be strategic in your boundary-setting. You can’t say no to everyone and everything and expect your husband’s family – or him! – to continue treating you with warmth. Really think about your energy levels, your time commitments, and the cost of doing things like “preparing a guest room” or cooking dinner, and be honest with yourself about the toll these things take on you vs. the toll on your marriage if you make sweeping statements like you’ll never do these things anymore.
When you are clear about the level of commitment you are willing to make to help foster the community your husband enjoys – and you might enjoy in time, too, as you continue getting to know these people! – be clear but fair/flexible in setting your boundaries. Instead of saying you’ll never be home when guests are over and your husband isn’t, you can tell your husband that you are uncomfortable with the pressures of solo hosting and if more than, say, an hour passes that you’re in that position, you’ll make an excuse to leave. Instead of saying you’ll never prepare dinner for “his” guests, you could say that while you won’t take the lead on cooking a meal every time he invites guests over, you will help him prepare something simple or you will pick a place to order from or you can make one dish and invite everyone to bring a dish to share, potluck-style. And if you like cooking or are a talented cook, you could consider cooking for a small group for a special occasion (like your husband’s birthday!). Another idea is to teach your husband how to cook a few basic dishes that feed a crowd if he doesn’t know how yet. I definitely don’t think it’s the woman’s job in a straight couple to be the cook, but if that’s the established role in YOUR relationship, then I think when it comes to hosting guests, that needs to be remembered.
Another suggestion is to decide roughly how many times a year or a month you feel comfortable having people over and discussing that with your husband. Get on the same page as far as expectations go so there aren’t surprises. If once a month is all you can handle, be honest about that and discuss together how you’ll handle your husband’s potential desire to visit with his people more often. Can he see his family and friends in neutral places? Can he go to their homes? Can you visit with each other in a way that doesn’t necessitate preparing a guest room or serving a full meal?
My point is that there are lots of ways to be flexible and support your husband’s relationships with his family and friends while fostering your own relationships with them AND honoring your own introverted tendencies. This doesn’t – and shouldn’t – need to be an all-or-nothing situation. You don’t have to do ALL the hosting, but as a loving wife, and as the person in the relationship who, apparently, does more of the domestic chores like cooking and cleaning, it would be weird for you to put your foot down and not do any of these things because the recipients are “his” guests and not “yours.” You are married – you are a team – and if one person in the couple has a set of skills the other doesn’t, it’s loving and helpful to share that skill within the context of your life together (which includes maintaining and fostering relationships with loved ones).
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I don’t see it as at all unfair to expect that if husband invites his family or friends to your home that he must be home and not dump the whole hosting project onto you. It’s fair to limit invites, both yours and his, to a reasonable, mutually agreed frequency. With that condition I think you both need to participate in cooking and house prep. You both work. Hosting becomes a big burden if just one of you is responsible.
I think I may be a bit like you, LW. I’m introverted and like my home to be a safe, quiet space. It’s not my preference to have guests and I do find it more tiring to host my boyfriend’s family for days at a time than my own (the comfort level is different, but they are tiring in their own way).
You say he treats everything as “ours,” but does he if he puts the onus on you to plan, shop, prep, and cook meals and feels free to disappear to the office while he has visitors? I’d hate this arrangement, but then again, I’d also hate being with someone who pretended not to know how to work a washing machine because he preferred to only handle “men’s work.” There’s a lot of room to compromise here on how often to host and have discussions ahead of time about what you are each responsible for ahead of visits (regardless of whose people they are), but you may feel less put out by hosting in general if your day-to-day split of the domestic and emotional load was more balanced.
This is a husband issue. He essentially doesn’t want things equal- he wants you to take care of all guests the same, and he doesn’t want to put in any effort. This seems like a generational thing. I find a lot of older men expect women to do the women’s work, they talk a big game about “ours,” but it’s really the expectation that women do the work of keeping guests happy, and often all or almost all the entertaining. It’s sort of planned incompetence. He could easily put some effort in, so you don feel so put upon- but instead you’ve got an immature husband who acts “insulted” if you state your preferences.
I think it’s unfair to be insulted and expect you to be at home to socialize with his guests if he isn’t. It seems he has sexist attitudes about what being a wife means. All on good partnership, etc but literally it seems like he expects her to drop her commitments to entertain his guests when he’s not there. That’s not an equal and fair minded partner. You need to start there. If he is insulted that you are put out when he drops people in you, it’s a him problem.
Does your husband help you host your friends and family? Shopping, cooking, cleaning?. I do agree on some level that you are a team and that you should both help with each others families. So if he helps you host then you should help him host.
But if he is not helping at all when you host and expects you to host his friends and family and doesn’t help then I agree with you. He should be in charge of his own. Also is he inviting people over and not even showing up. I have been married for 35 years and there is no way that I would host his family on my own without him being there. We are just not that close.
I feel like we are missing lots of info still.
The only reason for him to be shocked and upset that the LW wants him to host HIS friends and family is if he actually IS dumping it all on her. Why in the world would he expect her to sit around and stay with them while he goes off to work or what ever? If I were her, I would start insisting on a bit different split of REGULAR domestic duties. Teach him to do laundry and say since it seems so hard for him clearly he needs more practice. That way when she expects him to wash and change all the sheets and towels from his guests it isn’t such a shock. Ditto with cooking and washing the dishes. She of course can take a turn at grass mowing and getting the car oil changes.
sad