“I Feel Abandoned By My Boyfriend”
I was sort of nodding along with you for most of your letter. I could appreciate how having a partner who goes out a lot and gets really drunk and can’t be reached and doesn’t come home until the morning would be unnerving, especially if that’s not a lifestyle you share or are interested in yourself. But then I got to the end of your letter where you say your boyfriend goes out once every few months and, girl, no. If you are seriously losing your shit over your boyfriend going out a few times a year, the problem here is YOU, not your boyfriend. You need to do some self-reflecting and maybe seek therapy to unpack why, at nearly 30 years old, you can’t be alone for an evening every once in a while.
Enjoying separate interests and time away from each other now and then with your own groups of friends is normal and healthy in a relationship. Sure, there may be couples who never ever spend any of their non-work time apart, but they are an exception and not the norm (and in my opinion, not an inspiration either). It sounds like what you’re after isn’t so much a boyfriend or a partner but instead a babysitter who will constantly and consistently watch over you, get you ready for bed, and tuck you in at night. Grow up! And change your attitude or risk losing your boyfriend (unless he’s as codependent as you are and has simply accepted that your brand of cray is the tax he pays for having someone tuck him in almost every night).
I’m unsure of how to proceed. It’s starting to feel like I’m walking on eggshells in my own home because he caters to her in everything and avoids having uncomfortable conversations with her. I understand that she is his daughter, but I’m part of his life and future. How do I approach her without there feeling like there is a pissing contest to just have a conversation with her? How can I make sure this does not affect my relationship with my boyfriend even though it’s already started to? — Stepmom-to-Be
I hear no empathy or compassion from you in regards to Julie. Instead of trying to see where she might be coming from — her dad is dating a woman basically her age, which would be kind of cringe-worthy for lots of women — you frame your letter all around you. YOU are uncomfortable, YOU are walking on eggshells, YOUR relationship is being affected by her. Do you not think that her relationship with her dad is being affected by YOU? Do you not think that SHE might feel super uncomfortable with the idea that a woman her age is planning to become her stepmother? Do you think SHE might feel like she’s walking on eggshells, trying to delicately balance her feelings of discomfort with her desire to maintain a good relationship with her dad and not alienate him? Can you appreciate how she might feel like she’s losing her place in her dad’s life when someone who could very well be his daughter has moved in with him and taken over a huge place in his home and heart?
Why don’t you try getting to know her as a person, invite her to lunch or something else you might both enjoy, and tell her that you can imagine it must be a little weird for her to see her dad dating someone practically her age but that you don’t have any interest in replacing her in her dad’s life, that you love him and by extension love his daughter, and that you hope you and she can be friends and can unite in your mutual love and respect for your boyfriend. Give Julie and her dad time alone — make sure you aren’t present every time they make plans together, let them know you respect their relationship and aren’t threatened by it. Be generous and empathetic, and you will have a better chance of being accepted, if not embraced, by Julie, and appreciated for your efforts by her father.
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Yeah, LW1 I thought you were writing because your boyfriend drinks heavily every day or at least once a week, but this happens every few months? And you are anxious over something that happens every few months?
This is not normal, you need to get over this. When your BF goes out you could plan your own night out with friends or, if you’re so anxious over the fact that he doesn’t have a plan, you could volunteer to pick him up and drive him home, so that you won’t be so worried.
Basically, WWS. Basically, what we have here are two LW’s who a way, way out of line. And — frankly — clueless. They also curiously seem incapable of seeing anybody else’s point of view.
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LW1) There is NOTHING abnormal about going out clubbing with one’s friends a mere four or five times a year.
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LW2) There is nothing wrong with being less than thrilled with one’s father replacing you with a same aged version of you he can fuck.
LW1, I say this with kindness, but get real with yourself. You’re jealous when he’s out. He’s not a child, he knows how to call a cab/Uber, you just…don’t like him out and drinking. Maybe because you think he is talking to/interested in other women. You say he keeps in touch less…if he’s out with friends, why can’t he focus on the people he’s with and not be checking in with you frequently? I would hate if I was on a date and my bf was checking in with other people the whole time. Also, pretty sure if he wants to cheat, he will do so whether or not he’s checking in (believe me, the ex got smart on that point).
If you don’t trust him, own that and work on that, but him having guys night once every few months (!) shouldn’t drive you into an anxiety spiral. You aren’t his mother, and perpetuating this “I’m just worried about his safety!!” thing makes is sound like a. you’re lying about why it actually bothers you and b. you try to take on the role of mothering him. Neither of those is good, LW. If this is the hill you want to die on and you ABSOLUTELY cannot date a man who goes out EVER, then break up. Everyone is entitled to their dealbreakers. But if you read this and can own that it is based on insecurity and lack of trust, look at building up your own self esteem and evaluating if there are times where lack of trust has been warranted.
LW 1: Be happy for your boyfriend as he lets off steam. I suggest you do the same. And as a mom I must say: his mother is mom goals.
LW 2: Do you not understand her being weirded out? I mean you seem oblivious to the fact that you’re basically the same age? And how long have you two been together before you moving in with his family? You’re not even engaged yet but you see it as “your home”? Is it your home, really?
Plus it was the daughter’s home first! To complain about not being comfortable in your home, while being completely oblivious to the fact that you came in and made her uncomfortable in HER home, is pretty clueless.
LW1, I want to empathize with you because I think we have some similarities. My husband of 10 years and I are both 32, and I don’t drink at all, and really haven’t in about 5 years. I’m not opposed to it or anything, I just don’t enjoy it. My husband doesn’t really drink either, but several times a year he heads up to the small town where he’s from, which is about 45 minutes away, and gets together with his high school buddies and cousins. Unlike us, most of these folks either don’t have kids (his friends) or they’re older (his cousins), plus one of his cousins owns the local bar and several other family members work there, so they go out drinking A LOT, and do tons of jager bombs and all sorts of other stuff that can get my rarely drinking husband pretty sloshed pretty quick. And, the little podunk town where he’s from doesn’t get cell phone service with our carrier. So anyway, I definitely get a little anxious whenever he goes up there, but I also realize that the problem there is me (not him): He has never given me a single reason not to trust him, I know he won’t drink & drink (nor ride with someone who’s been drinking), and I know he will end up crashing at some family member’s house at the end of the night.
It doesn’t sound like you have kids, so may I suggest planning dinner and a movie or something like that with a girlfriend on the rare nights that he goes out with his friends…
I think there is a huge difference between knowing he’ll end up at a relatives house and not knowing where he ended up. You know he’ll end up safe at a relatives house and assume he won’t be home. which is fine with both of you. If the boyfriend is ending up at a friend’s house and she can assume that then it isn’t nearly the problem as it is if he is ending up going home with strangers he’s picking up.
I think the LW needs to be clear which of these is happening.
How did staying at a stranger’s house come up? Do you mean a strange woman he picked up in the club? He’s drinking with friends, not strangers. It seems a giant leap to having the guy sleeping over at a stranger’s house.
Exactly. LW has no issue using fairly dramatic words like “abandoned” so I hardly think she’d hold back on saying he’s going home with randos.
He doesn’t have a plan for where he will stay. She doesn’t say if he ends up with friends or if won’t say where he ends up.
If I were her, an “I got home/to Brad’s/to a hotel safe” text at the end of the night would be nice, but again kind of unecessary if they aren’t even living together.
Also ummm it’s pretty easy to just…lie and say you are at a friends house and really go to a randos. Or was she going to start showing up to make sure he’s really there? This just boils down to trust to me.
It does boil down to trust. If she trusts him then no need to get anxiety. If she doesn’t trust him then she should move on.
I asked myself if I would mind if my husband went out six times a year and got so drunk that six times per year he didn’t make it home. I’d definitely mind. Absolutely. I don’t think it is too much to expect that your partner make it home after drinking. There is a huge difference between going to bed without your partner home and waking up in the morning with them still not home. My husband goes out and he makes it home without getting into trouble. I don’t think that is a high bar to set and I don’t know of any happily married couples where one partner doesn’t make it home after drinking. None.
You mention that you don’t know where he goes or ends up. I’m wondering if he has friends who take his keys away so that he can’t drive drunk and he ends up on their floor or couch? Or is it always a secret where he ended up and you are assuming that he is ending up at some woman’s place, or a man’s place and is probably having sex. If he is ending up at a friend’s place you will know because they will all talk about it every so often. If it is always a secret then it is probably safe to assume it’s a secret because he is ending up somewhere he shouldn’t.
When you say he has sometimes gotten into trouble you need to be specific. Is he getting into fights? Is he destroying property? Has he been caught driving drunk or caused a wreck? Does he spend the next day after a night out recovering so ruining any plans the two of you may have? Do you end up doing all of the household chores because he isn’t in shape to do his share? If he is doing any of these things and it bothers you I’d move on because it won’t get any better.
My thought is to be careful if someone’s alcohol consumption concerns you. Especially if you want to have children. Children need a parent who comes home and who is available when home. If he needs to get drunk to unwind you would be in trouble with children because they add a lot of stress to any relationship.
One anecdote. My uncle drinks quite a bit meaning nonstop from the time he gets home from work until he goes to sleep. He took their daughter to see fireworks when she was young and they didn’t come home and didn’t come home. Finally my aunt went searching for them, this was before cellphones, and found their car all alone in a parking lot with the windows steamed up. He had passed out at the steering wheel with their daughter in the car and their daughter was scared because dad wouldn’t wake up and it was dark and no one was around.
I’d personally be wary of anyone who can’t control themselves enough to make it home.
When I was in my 20s (which is what “almost 30” means) there were plenty of times I went out and had too much and crashed at a friend’s house. Irresponsible is driving home drunk, not crashing with a friend.
I also wonder if he truly doesnt have a plan on where he’s gonna stay, or if he doesn’t want to discuss it with his judgy GF.
I think a lot of my opinion comes from where I grew up. We lived ten miles from the closest town and 14 miles from the town where I went to high school. Movies were a county away so depending which direction we went to get to them 25 to 30 miles away. We had to make it home safely and we had to be able to function in the morning. Nobody asked where we went or what we did and I didn’t have a curfew. I did have to be up and to work at 8 am on Saturday mornings and I did have to be up and go to church on Sunday mornings. The rule was you had to make it home safely and you had to be able to function in the morning. We could and did drink but we had to make sure we weren’t drunk because we all had a long drive to make on roads where another car might not come along for the rest of the night. If you wrecked you might not be found until morning. We were allowed to do what we wanted as long as we were responsible. Kids who came home hungover or who tried to sleep in would be pulled out of bed by their parents and put to work. Lots of teen guys would end up spending the day on a tractor working a field with a hangover. It was unpleasant enough that they would think twice about doing it again.
It sounds like you’re talking about teenagers/people who still live at home? If he’s going out on a non-work-night and doesn’t have parents providing rules like “you have to be up for church” then I don’t think he’s necessarily doing anything wrong. If he’s breaking the law or getting into physical fights then maybe yes, but just going out and getting drunk and crashing somewhere besides your home are not terrible offenses, especially if its only every couple months.
I didn’t think based on the letter that they lived together, not sure why you are assuming that. I think if they lived together she’d be pretty quick to call out not knowing when he’d be getting home/waking her up by coming home wasted/being too hungover regularly to help out etc. Then I would be more understanding of the compromise of “have fun, but make it back home.” I think you are projecting your own situation onto this. Wanting to have a night out drinking once every few months does not an alcoholic make ( “needs to get drunk to unwind” would be an actual concern if it was more frequent than every few months or if he was doing dangerous things when drunk like driving…I daresay he unwinds in other ways in between). Over Christmas, I drove to my best friend’s house and we split a bottle of champagne. I crashed on her couch because hey, drinking and driving is terrible. Totally unremarkable night and not indicative of my safety with children. Seriously.
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If he’s crashing with strangers that would be highly unusual and I think again, she would have called that out. But a non live-in bf ONCE EVERY FEW MONTHS having a night out and crashing at a buddies? I really, really, really fail to see the issue.
I did assume that they are living together, not sure why. If they aren’t then she really doesn’t need to worry about whether he comes home. I think part of that assumption was Wendy saying she was expecting her boyfriend to tuck her in to bed at night which assumes that they live together. If they aren’t living together and don’t have plans for the next day then it isn’t interfering with their life.
I do think that expecting him to text is too much. My husband lets me know he’ll be out and with who and I let him know when I’ll be out. I include where and with who. We don’t text while we are out with other people because if you are with people you should be present with those people. I think it is rude to constantly be on your phone with someone who isn’t present unless you have a very good reason. I don’t consider I need to hear from you constantly a good reason.
That’s what got me – that this guy gets in to trouble – that’s disconcerting. If the usual result is someone is driving drunk or a DUI a blackout where he wakes up and has no idea where he is … alarming.
But if the usual result is that he doesn’t know when the night ends or on whose couch he’s sleeping it off – that’s not alarming.
He’s an adult. You’re an adult. You don’t need to know where he is 24/7, who he’s with or when he goes to bed. As long as he’s keeping to the commitments you’ve made together – you should trust him. If he’s so out of control that he could hurt himself or others, if he cheats on you then you need to determine if those are deal breakers.
Yeah, I think I’d have to know what the “trouble” is before I can really comment. She says it’s nothing serious, but what is it? Maybe some stupid vandalism? Maybe driving drunk? Maybe spending the night passed out on the street? Maybe bar fights? All of these would concern me, even if they only happened every few months.
I agree Red – the term ‘trouble’ could be everything from he got drunk and pukes, to he gets in verbal arguments with his friends, to he ends up in physical fights or has been arrest. If it is on the far end of that scale, then I could see why the LW would be upset that he drinks. If it is just obnoxious stuff than she is making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Also, what is the deal with ‘make it home’. This guy is her bf, not her husband. You are probably correct in assuming that they live together, but she never actually says that. The fact that she refers to normally checking in more suggests that it’s possible he has his own place.
When I used to go out, ages ago, I didn’t plan on where I was staying for the night because I didn’t know what the partying would be like. My default option was home, but what if we ended up at a friend’s house? Then I would stay there. No need for a plan 100% of the time.
I’d agree. I mentioned this in my own comment, but that sort of heavy drinking (even only 6 times a year) is so not a thing people in my social circle do. Someone might get tipsy on NYE or their birthday, but they don’t drink so much they can’t call a cab for themselves or make a plan for someone else to drive them home or crash at the host’s house or something. That’s not been a thing probably for 7 years. And the one friend who DID have issues with that is now sober and goes to AA meetings.
I know some people have a high threshold for alcohol use and are fine with any amount of drinking as long as it’s not a regular thing, but there are reasons why a person shouldn’t blackout drunk aside from them having a problem where they must drink heavily weekly.
I wonder if LW1 has a healthy relationship with alcohol or is projecting her own issues here. A friend of mine grew up in a teetotal household and basically hates when people get drunk around her. Or maybe she grew up with an alcoholic parent and thinks getting drunk automatically means you have a problem. Drinking to excess once every few months is really not a sign of a problem, or else literally everyone I know is an alcoholic.
LW1 needs to address her own insecurities here as a personal problem vs a boyfriend problem and get therapy. But honestly, if you think that going out once every few months is not acceptable behavior then you two may just have incompatible lifestyles. I suggest you look for your next boyfriend at a Baptist church.
LW1 and LW2 you’re both self absorbed. Give your partner some space to foster healthy and independent relationships, separate from you. I suggest you do the same.
You feel abandoned when your boyfriend leaves for an evening every few months? Seriously, get a flipping grip. He should leave you for even bringing it up. Find a hobby. Seriously. You sound clingy and sad.
I certainly agree with everyone that there is nothing wrong with a husband going out on the town with boys 4 or 5 times a year. However, like Skyblossom, I was more concerned with her statement that he usually gets in trouble and “doesn’t have a plan for where he’s going to stay”. Like her I imagine him waking up on some random couch (at best). If the trouble includes involvement with the police, or physical altercations, or vandalism, then I would say that at age 30 he needs to get himself under control. I also don’t think it’s unreasonable (and a good idea generally) to have a plan about where you are going to stay that night, or, if you are planning to go home, how you are getting home and to communicate it to the person you live with. You do this because it is safer for you and avoids risks of such things as drinking and driving and, also, so that you girlfriend worries less. It may be that him making these arrangements is the compromise she is looking for. Also, if it’s the case that she just isn’t particularly interested in going out and not that she dislikes it (and that the point isn’t not being with her – which, occasionally, is fine) maybe she could join him once in a while. That might help keep him out of trouble and also help solve her problem.
For LW2, I agree 100% with Wendy. It would certainly do the LW plenty of good to try and see things from the daughter’s point of view. And I certainly hope that she is making sure the daughter and her father are getting plenty of time alone together.
That’s why I’d like to know “what trouble he’s getting into” and who’s couch /bed/floor he’s crashing on. Is LW1 exaggerating because she doesn’t like him going out with friends? Or is he truly harming himself or others and sleeping at a rando’s house?
I 100% agree that there should be some semblance of a plan in place. All he needs to say is “I’m hanging out with my friends in a couple of weeks. You know we usually drink a little too much so I’ll either crash at so and so or so and so’s place.”
I honestly think she purposefully made it sound worse than it is. But who really knows.
I think this one needs clarification. What kind of trouble has he gotten into and how often. If he drove drunk once, five years ago and has never repeated it he’s probably learned his lesson and would explain him crashing at a friend’s house. If he every so often comes home with a car with dings in it, my uncle would do that, then you have to wonder what kind of trouble he’s getting into with the car and whether he is safe. If he is a belligerent drunk he could get into fights from time to time. The same for if he tries to pick up on women who have boyfriends present.
The LW needs to ask herself whether she has anxiety or whether he boyfriend does things she can’t live with while drunk. If it is anxiety she needs to get help. If he does things she can’t live with when he’s drunk she needs to move on.
LW #2 never mentions how the father she’s dating happens to be with her, rather than with his daughter’s mother. Did the father leave the mother for this generation younger LW? That would certainly be cause for anger. Did LW start dating the father before divorce was final? That also is a cause for anger on the part of many children. Then there is just the creep factor in dad screwing somebody young enough to be your sister and that sister flouncing around like it is now her house and daughter needs to just accept her status. And her official status is what, exactly? She’s father’s current gf. How much respect does that position require of a basically same age daughter? It sounds like daughter isn’t treating LW badly, she’s basically just ignoring her, which I guess aggravates LW, because it is a denial of what LW feels should be her position of status in daughter’s life.
You ask how you can prevent this from affecting your relationship with your bf. The simple answer is to back way the hell off and not expect that daughter has to be your friend or show you respect or acknowledge your position as future wife of her father. As you indicate, it seems your status as future wife is in some considerable doubt in your own mind. Daughter is not responsible for the quality of your relationship with her father. That is up to you and him. If you need validation, get it in discussion with the father, but on the topic of your relationship with him, not with his daughter.
I don’t know the specifics, but it’s also possible that the daughter sees LW2 as a gold digger and/or about to steal her inheritance.
I think it’s silly for LW1 to feel abandoned, but I can empathize. I would not be impressed if my partner got that wasted every few months to where he started drama and couldn’t be responsible enough to plan what he’d do afterward. Maybe my friends are just super boring, but I don’t know anyone who’s done that in years.
LW2: Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who’d never be OK with their dad marrying someone their age. My dad didn’t, but I would think my dad was either having a mid-life crisis or was same skeevy guy who thinks that aging makes women unattractive. You can’t force someone to like you, but hopefully since she’s an adult, she’ll be living on her own and it won’t be as much of an issue.
“I’m 25 and my boyfriend’s daughter, “Julie,” is 21.”
Hoo-boy did you pick the wrong site to write to.
I don’t think a May-December romance is automatically a problem – a good friend of mine married a guy that was old enough to be her father out of college. What I think is problematic is the LW’s lack of empathy for her partner’s daughter who is understandably upset with the dynamic. I think the LW needs to adjust her expectations, it is likely she and her partner’s daughter will never be best friends.
LW 1 – I am a very anxious person. I understand how not being in touch with your boyfriend for these evenings really bothers you, even if it’s irrational. However, if this is a semi-regular occurrence (and honestly, once every few months is not a big deal), and he’s never gotten into serious trouble (like getting arrested or seriously hurting someone/himself, etc), then I would say you are the one who needs to work on the anxiety, or find another relationship. In the scheme of things, this is not abnormal behavior. It’s some people’s version of fun – and if it’s not yours, you need to work on getting okay with it or deciding not to be.
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LW 2 – Get your head out of your ass and look at the big picture. 4 years separate you and this girl. How would you feel if your father were dating someone you went to high school with? You’d probably need an adjustment period, right? Where is her mother? What happened between her parents? Have some compassion for this person who is probably having a hard time with the circumstances of her life. If you care to have any relationship with her of ANY kind, you’ll be the bigger person here.
Oh man it would be hilarious if when I was 21, my mom started dating a 25 year old, and he came home one day, and was like Son, we need to have a talk. I’d be like WhoTF you calling son You were a senior when I was a freshman Daad!
Not saying this happened, but just picturing the 25 year old trying to act like a parental figure to the 21 year old, and wondering why she doesn’t listen to her, and gives her the finger when she tells her to make her bed if she wants cookies after dinner.
I heard back from both of today’s LWs and I wanted to give them a shout-out for having such mature self-reflective responses not not the knee-jerk defensive responses we sometimes see:
LW1: “You’re funny. I didn’t mean he only goes out that often I meant it gets out of hand that often. But you are totally right. Its good and healthy to spend time apart and we decided to work on the communication and making each other feel important no matter what. And we are both Cray Cray lol we spend a lot of time together and both dislike being away for more than a day or two but it’s something we are working on and I realized after some self reflection I do have abandonment issues from my childhood and I need to try harder not to take those out on my best friend that is there for me Like white on rice 98% of the time. Thanks for your response and calling out the Cray Cray so it can be changed!!!”
LW2: “Thank you for the reply.
I actually reached out to her and asked if we could meet for a drink the day after I wrote this. (After an argument about her behavior toward me). I should have been more open instead of playing the “Me, Me, Me” point of view. Was very emotional that day. Sorry.
Well I am hoping to her from her soon and maybe we can talk through whatever she is going through. She knows I’m not there to replace her mom but to be a companion for her father and maybe one day a friend to her.
Heard your blog load and clear. And thank you. Sometimes you need to hear words from a stranger to put it more in perspective. And I truly thank you for that. “
LW 2 – That’s great, good luck!
LW 1 – I don’t get it? You write here: “I didn’t mean he only goes out that often I meant it gets out of hand that often. ” But in the original letter you stated: “He doesn’t go out frequently — only like once every few months, but, whenever he does, it’s usually a really bad experience for me. ” That’s a pretty big difference. I hope it works out for you though!
I’m blown away by the maturity. I really am.