“I Find Flaws in Every Woman I Date”
My most recent relationship was with “Sue.” She was attractive, but her chin was abnormally large and I couldn’t help but consistently notice it. She also bit her nails. I realize these are two small flaws, but for some reason they bothered me way too much to stay with her.
I really would like some advice on this. I want to find someone perfect for me, but I realize I have to reduce my definition of perfect. Please help me on how this could happen. — Searching For My Perfect
You know that everyone is flawed, and yet you end relationships over ridiculously superficial flaws that have nothing to do with who a person is, how she treats you, and what your relationship is or could be like. Dumping a woman because of the size of her chin? That’s pubescent behavior — not the act of a secure, mature 42-year-old man who is serious about finding a “perfect for him” match. YOU are the problem here. It’s YOUR flaws keeping you from having a relationship (and I’m not talking about your posture). Your flaw is your fear and until you name your fear — fear of commitment? intimacy? rejection? losing your identity as a bachelor? being beholden to someone else’s needs and wants? making the wrong choice? — and get to the root of its cause, you will never, ever find a perfect-for-you match, even if one exists.
You are looking for reasons to reject women, and instead of even bothering to get to know them as people, you are focusing on their physical traits (which is ironic, because all of us have plenty of character flaws and our own baggage that could rightfully give others pause before pursuing a serious relationship). That’s not just immature, it’s also lazy. And it’s not just doing these women a disservice, it’s doing a bigger disservice to yourself. The benefits of longterm relationships are numerous. What benefit do you get from rejecting potential relationships before they even begin? Maybe if you could name those benefits, as well as your fears, you’d finally get somewhere. I suggest doing so with a great therapist who can work with you through these questions and give you tools and exercises to help you name what you’re looking for and get you out of your own way in finding it.
***************
Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
LW1 – It sounds like you enjoy the chase and lead up to a relationship but have no interest in the relationship itself. Since you have obviously known about this problem for over two decades and not been able to overcome it, it is time to talk to a professional.
LW2 – So your BF has so little trust in you that he thinks you will cheat? He claims he didn’t cheat so why does he think you will? Basically his behavior is controlling and unacceptable.
LW3 – As Wendy said, set boundaries and maintain them. You can be civil but you should not have to deal with manipulative behavior. Best of luck
WWS on all three.
LW1 – this is totally your issue. These women are perfect until you have a real shot with them. You know this is your issue. You need professional help to deal with it.
LW2. Fuck. That. Shit.
LW3 – if he won’t stop texting, do your best to ignore. Do not read into it. If he’s flying to meet the other chick and he’s telling you he’s at the airport – he is only telling you at the airport because he wants someone to know where he is and your’e the usual person after 11 years. There is likely nothing more behind it than that.
LW1: I have yet to meet a single person without a flaw. Focusing on flaws or going searching for them is definitely a sign you need some sort of counseling if you are serious about finding a mate.
LW2: go. This might be your only chance to make these plans and enjoy the time with your friend. Any mature and trusting boyfriend would recognize that.
LW3: I agree with everyone that it is a force of habit and for comfort. You might just need to tell him that you don’t need the updates when he travels or on his daily routine. He should contact you regarding the children or other large life happenings that influence the children.
LW: Your definition of “perfect” is solely about physical characteristics. But when you get to know someone and care about her, slight physical imperfections become much less important. You will look at the person and see love, kindness, intelligence, joy—not the size of her chin. I hope you can find that out for yourself some day (follow Wendy’s advice and see a therapist).
LW: I suspect you are focused on the flaws of others because you have some flaw of your own that you are very sensitive about and worry if a woman gets close to you she will dump you over it. We all have flaws and we all look past the flaws in others in order to have meaningful long-term relationships. We do it with our friends, with our families, and yes, with our lovers. So get out there and embrace that third nipple you’re so worried about, whether it be with big-chin-lady or someone else!
LW – I think you need to ask yourself what you want from a relationship. Why do you want a partner. I think you need to work from that place then work outward. I think you are looking at the external and finding flaws but if you found someone who you truly connected with on a soul level, those flaws would be glazed over. This is a Dan Savage line but I love it. Every relationship has a cost of entry and you need to decide if someone is worth the cost. Whether it is physical or emotional or quirky. The girl with the chin and nails, other than that did she make you laugh, make you feel loved, make you want to sit at dinners for hours talking, love your weird collection or hobby? It might have been that there wasn’t much else there besides sex so it wasn’t worth the nail biting.
LW: I agree this sounds like a potential commitment issue, fear of rejection. Some sessions with a good therapist will help you get to the bottom of this. Trust me, it’s worth every minute and every penny.
LW: Yes to all that was said but the biting nails thing make me laugh out loud, at you. If chewing on a fingernail is a “flaw” then your standards are ridiculous. You sound pretty darn flawed yourself. A large chin isn’t a flaw, its a genetic characteristic. I truly wish we had your name so we could find a pic of you and point out that your hairline isn’t quite right and your nose is a bit large, etc. You sound like a jerk to me, I wouldn’t want to date you….and guess what, you are the age of men I date. Perhaps do these women a favor on the first date and show them this letter you wrote so they can see how flawed you are and MOA before they waste an ounce of energy.
LW: “Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies…” – Dave Barry. This is one of my favourite quotes. Seriously, you should not date until you seek some sort of therapy. The position of “I’m hypercritical of everyone , but it’s OK because I’m equally hypercritical of myself” is one of the most self-defeating ideas ever. Being a dick to yourself doesn’t give you a free pass to be a dick to everyone else. You will never find any joy in a relationship until you deal with this problem in yourself. The flaws are the good stuff. The part nobody but you knows about. You are a witness to and a defender of the flawed but beautiful humanity of another person. That’s what love is.
Diablo, that last part is quite lovely. Perhaps that’s becoming one of my favorite quotes.
And the rest of this is spot-on, too.
Ah Diablo, you don’t give yourself enough credit. My question to you: do you do this to your wife and how does she manage to keep herself from rolling her eyes too hard when she realizes you’re quoting another movie? 🙂
@LforL – Sometimes we have entire conversations which consist of snippets of dialogue from various movies. To win, you have to find a clever segue from one scene to another that switches the tone of the conversation or argument to your point of view. Sometimes I’ll blow the whole thing up with Nicholas Cage from Moonstruck: “I don’t care!! i ain’t no freakin’ monument to JUSTICE!!!”
LW – as someone who dated someone just like you, please get some therapy and focus on yourself for a while before you start wasting another person’s time, thinking that they are building a relationship with you.
Signed, someone who wasted 2 years of my life with someone like you.
LW: I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you’re not that superficial and that maybe there’s something that scares you about being in a relationship, so you push people away instead of moving forward them. Perhaps some therapy might help?