“I Found Intimate Photos of His Ex and Showed Them to Her”
I emphasized that I didn’t think he knew he had the pictures, and asked her what she’d like me to do with them. She was horrified, and ask that I bring them over right away. I brought them to her, and she was furious, she is convinced that he went through these at some point after their divorce and purposely kept them. Fiancé has also explained to her that he didn’t know he had them.
The problem is, he is absolutely livid with me. He’s accused me of snooping and “hunting for something,” violating his privacy, and getting him “in trouble” with his ex. He said I have no right to go through his things, and that I shouldn’t have told her anything and simply thrown the pictures away. I tried to tell him that I was only doing what I thought was the right thing, and that I would want someone to do the same thing if it were me memorialized in film.
He has placed the blame for this fiasco squarely on my shoulders, and I just don’t think that’s where it belongs. At this point, I’m at a loss and need an objective third opinion. Do you think I was snooping? Did I do the right thing by contacting her, or should I have just tossed them? Am I to blame for this fiasco, or does he need to share some of this?
At this point, we’re not even speaking to one another, I’m hurt and at a loss. — Photo Finder
I can’t tell if you’re in denial of your jealousy or if you’re truly so naive as to think you were doing the “right thing” by reaching out to your fiancé’s ex-wife, behind his back, and bringing her nude photos of herself — photos that your fiancé likely took himself while he was married to her.
Now, I can imagine the shock and perhaps even horror you must have felt finding these photos. I certainly wouldn’t want to stumble on such pics of any woman from my husband’s past in his possession. How awkward! But you know what’s SO much more awkward than simply finding photos I shouldn’t have to see? Showing those said photos to the poor woman who’s the subject of them.
This is definitely a case of what the ex-wife didn’t know didn’t hurt her. She should have been left out of this completely. Instead of dragging her into it, the “right” thing to do would have been first to ask your fiancé if you could look at his wedding album. But, let’s face it: who among us when faced with a partner’s wedding album in our own home wouldn’t let curiosity get the best of us and take a peek. It’s not exactly like going through someone’s old love letters or something, so I’ll give you a pass on that. But as soon as you saw those nude photos, you should have quickly tucked them back into the album and brought them to the attention of your fiancé later, saying:
“While I was going through the closet today, I found some photos that made me uncomfortable. I’m sure you didn’t even know you still had them, but now that you do, I’d feel much better if you could get rid of them.” Because, while it’s unreasonable to ask a partner to get rid of wedding photos, I think it’s completely reasonable to ask him to trash nude photos of an ex (one possible exception: he’s a photographer and the shots are part of his work/collection).
The key here — the very, very important key — is that you should have gone to your fiancé not to his ex-wife. He’s the person in this equation who deserves your loyalty the most. By going behind his back, you betrayed his confidence, and embarrassed not only him but his ex as well, potentially creating tension and drama between two people who possibly even co-parent together.
You completely overstepped your bounds, and you owe your fiancé a big apology. Let’s just hope he’s man enough to accept, forgive and move on, and that the damage created between him and his ex by your indiscretion isn’t long-lasting.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Polite correction Wendy: he is her fiance, not her husband.
Polite correction: Wendy never called him her husband. She speculated on if she had found photos of her husband’s ex, not the OP. She clearly says fiancé numerous times.
Why oh why wouldn’t you have just shredded them and tossed them out when you found them? You say you believe your fiance didn’t even realize he had them, and you’re marrying him now so I would say the only nude photos hanging around your house should be of you, so why not just quietly destroy the evidence and spare everyone the anger and embarrassment? Is it possible that you wanted to embarrass the ex-wife because finding them made YOU angry that your fiance still had them?
God, there’s probably a good possibility that there are some nude photos of me floating around in some ex-boyfriend’s possession, and the absolute LAST thing I would ever want would be for some strange woman to come find me and present them to me as if she was doing me a favor. The favor would have been to politely destroy and discard them because, frankly, those types of photos are intended for a specific time-frame and their appropriateness ends when the relationship does. They do not need to live on in antiquity.
Also, as a warning to everyone, be careful who has photographic evidence of you naked…if you don’t want everyone to see it, don’t take pictures naked.
This woman knew exactly what she was doing. She’s just making it seem like she didn’t know …probably to win the fiance over.the fiance will gave lots of issues going forward.
Let it be known….men do not burn nude photos of their exes after the relationship is over….do not give your boy friend nude pictures if you aren’t prepared for him to keep them indefinitely…I’d also wager a good bet he was fully aware of those and will miss them being gone (obviously he wouldn’t say that out loud).
Total “COME ON!” moment for the LW…wtf were you thinking?
Not sure about your answer on this one, Wendy. A friend recently had a collection of photos returned to her by her ex’s new wife, and she expressed how grateful she was for having them. She didn’t say if any of them were nude, but the fact remains, it seemed clear enough that they meant more to my friend than her ex or his new wife, and so I really applauded the new wife’s ethics in returning them to her. She could have trashed them, or she could have just kept them, but instead she made the contact and followed through to return them. Just because they’re not meaningful to the letter writer or immediately relevant to the fiance, doesn’t mean that the ex wouldn’t want them. The only issue, then, is that the LW did not clear the exchange with her fiance in advance. The reality is that the majority of the time, those we’re dating now have previous histories, and to simply toss the historical record out without mentioning to the other party is just short sighted and mean. If you don’t want the photos, offer ’em to the other person, and if they don’t want them, THEN trash them.
I agree if photos of meaning, but some amateur old nudes, more embarrassing for everyone. No matter what, the new girl should’ve never gone directly to the old girl with these, as it showed loyalty to the fiancé’s ex over the Fiance. That’s if it was good intentions. Depending on these photos, it could’ve also had an underlying dig to the ex. No matter what, if being returned to the ex, given nudes, the Fiance should’ve discretely done so or they should’ve gone in the trash.
I completely agree with Wendy. You should have spoken to your fiancé about it – not the ex-wife. If I were either of them, I’d be completely wierded out. Your best bet now is to accept the blame and profusely apologize, and let your fiancé know that in the future, in matters concerning his ex, you’ll talk to him about it first.
LW, absolutely the wrong thing to do. What were you thinking????? You betrayed your fiance and created drama where drama was completely unnecessary. You owe your fiance a huge apology and sexual favors too.
Nobody is owed a sexual favor!
What? Sexual favours? You are disgusting.
Huh, I kinda give the LW the benefit of the doubt here that she was trying to do the right thing and not cause an issue, but we all know how that goes. The troubling thing to me here is that she and the fiance aren’t speaking now. That seems like an overreaction to me. This whole “violation of privacy” thing–I don’t consider cleaning out the closet (with his knowledge) to be a violation of privacy. Him accusing you of “hunting for something” when you were just trying to clean? I mean, you have to look through stuff to know if it goes in the keep or trash pile.
But what do I know.
I’d apologize to the fiance and say that you were trying to do the right thing but you blew it. If he’s a decent guy, he’ll accept that.
The photos were his property. Yes, she was the subject, but I assume they were taken with her permission or simply given to him. I’m not sure why the LW would hand them over without talking to her fiance, and I find that to be much more of a red flag for their relationship than him having the photos (which I don’t find to be one at all). The content of the photos doesn’t change the fact that they were his.
Why on earth would you contact his ex-wife without even talking to your fiance about it?! That seems a bit backwards. If I were your fiance, I would be pissed at you too! And if I were his ex-wife, I would absolutely not have wanted to know about the photos. If I left a couple naked pics with an ex, there’s no way I would ever want to see them again or be reminded of them. You should apologize to your fiance as soon as possible and hope he can forgive you for this. Good luck.
wow, i would be worried if i was the letter writers fiance right about now. why would you go behind his back like that? i’m sure finding naked pictures of another woman would hurt, but seriously, talk to your fiance, then get rid of the pictures. why would you even go to the ex? it sounds like you were pissed at your fiance and found the most obnoxious way possible to get back at him. the fiance should seriously consider whether this is the type of person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. i know if i was him i would have serious trust issues at that point on.
I keep trying to put myself in the LW’s shoes to see what I would do if I was in the same situation. Even if his ex-wife and I were on “friendly” terms, I don’t think I ever would have gone to her about these pictures. I would have brought them to my husband’s attention and then moved on. LW, you owe your fiance a huge apology. Sure, its good that you’re friends with his ex (makes life a lot easier with kids involved), but this was definitely a huge overstep in boundaries.
like many other commenters i am just very confused as to why you went to the ex-wife first. i do think you need to apologize for that and realize that you made a bad decision. if i was your husband i would be worried that you would make more than just this one decision for me in the future. if you thought you knew exactly what i would feeel and want to do in this situation why wouldn’t you just assume you knew what i would want before talking to me about a number of other issues.
I’m BAFFLED that the LW did not take this up with the fiance first. I don’t understand what she did. That said, I agree with Budjer that the fiance was probably fully aware of the existence of the photos, and is trying to deflect that particular issue by accusing the LW of snooping and whatnot (which i don’t think she did).
I completely agree with Wendy on this. Though I don’t think the LW was looking for these photos at all she handled this all wrong. She should have brought the pictures to her fiance, and let him explain why he still had them, and if they bothered her she could have let him know at that time.
Instead she went behind her fiance’s back, so she doesn’t have his trust any more, and she also screwed up a good thing with his ex, who is the mother of his children, that she is going be playing a big role in their lives once they get married, and she also may have upset her fiance enough for him to call things off. The LW needs to apologize to her fiance as soon as possible (while explain that the pictures made her feel uncomfortable), and hopefully have him explain to his ex that she thought she was doing something kind for the ex by returning the pictures.
I’m not sure any of this was motivated by jealousy. LW and fiancé’s ex are friends, after all. LW should have mentioned the photos to her fiancé first, absolutely (unless the photos looked like they were taken without the Ex’s knowledge, which seems unlikely), but I actually don’t see a reason to impute malice to the LW.
Incidentally, fiancé’s reaction is a bit off to me. She told him in advance she was cleaning the closet. Even if he forgot about the photos, if he’d wanted LW to stay out of his stuff he could have said then “Thanks, hon, but just leave my stuff alone and I’ll go through it this weekend”. If he were just angry about LW going directly to the ex, fine, but accusations about snooping? That’s a little off to me.
I’m with the other commenters. What the HELL were you thinking?
First of all, you might be a couple but you’re not joined at the hip. He has his things, you have your things, and of course there are shared things, but this is *not* one of them. One does not simply take, give away, or destroy another’s things simply because you don’t like them. You had no authority to walk off with those photos regardless of whether he remembered he had them.
Secondly, (but of no less importance), why on earth would you give them to the ex-wife? Unless you have a standalone friendship (which it sounds like you do not) or are planning a surprise party, any communication with the ex-wife should be done with your fiance’s blessings as a matter of courtesy and everyone being on the same page. ESPECIALLY when it involves something as sensitive as this. You didn’t even give your fiance a chance to explain himself, to you or the ex-wife. You jumped to conclusions about his knowledge (or lack thereof) about the photos, his intentions regarding them, and what the ex-wife would have wanted, and clearly none of your assessments were correct.
Major apologies are owed to your future husband and his ex-wife. Some groveling might not go amiss either.
Reading this letter made me feel bad for the future husband. His fiancée is currently a better “friend” to his ex-wife rather than to him. I understand that the ex-wife and your future husband have children together, but fact that they have children together should not excuse any creation of a rift between you. By going to the ex-wife first with the pictures before going to your fiancé, you effectively allowed a rift to be created rather than help foster the united front your future husband wanted to make with you.
Should he have kept the pictures of his ex in the first place now that he has a new wife is totally irrelavent right now. As the new wife-to-be, you should be developing the trust you want to have with your husband. By letting the ex-wife know about the nudes before the fiancé, you’ve let a third party into your marriage now.
Whaaat. LW– was there some reason you weren’t comfortable letting your fiancè know you found the pictures? I don’t want to repeat Wendy or the other commenters too much, but I just cannot imagine what sort of thought pattern would’ve led you to call his ex first. That would have been the “right” move if you found a stack of photos of the neighbor or something, clearly unaware she was being photographed. But this was his ex-wife. My bf has sexy pictures of his ex girlfriend still on his computer, and he knows I also have some shots & video clips of my ex boyfriend on mine. Maybe this is not the norm, but I’m telling you this to offer another perspective– that the pictures themselves are kind of not a big deal?
However, you made them a big deal by calling his ex. I’m thinking that perhaps she was only projecting anger over them to you because you sounded so clearly freaked-out? And so she didn’t want to be like “Oh, just leave them, it’s fine”? Either way, you can’t go back in time, so my advice now would be to write your fiancè a letter (since you aren’t on speaking terms). Just keep it simple, not defensive, and apologetic. Maybe mention something vague about “girl-code” when you’re explaining that you thought you were doing the right thing. Also DON’T try to flick some blame onto him; just shoulder all of it yourself because you definitely made a mistake.
Also, want to add that I agree with those saying she WASN’T actually snooping, but her fiancè is just probably so upset & confused about her bypassing him that he’s imagining there to be some sinister seek-and-destroy motive.
I think your fiancee is right to be angry with you. Instead of contacting the ex-wife, you should have brought the pictures to your fiancee’s attention first. You and your fiancee could have easily destroyed them and spared her any embarrassment. I just don’t see what good was accomplished by telling her about the pictures. I think if I were the ex-wife, I’d rather not be informed that my ex still has naked pictures of me. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
I will say that it does sound suspicious that your fiancee didn’t know that he had those pictures. But you know him better than I do and if that’s what both your gut and he is telling you, well, then ok.
Again, I do think you should have gone to your fiancee first so you could have decided together what to do. It seems like you went behind his back when you went to the ex-wife without so much as a heads up to him. If he really didn’t know he had the pictures, then technically he is right – this fiasco is all on you and it could have been avoided or at least minimized. Maybe he would have wanted the opportunity to inform his ex or he could have told you that telling her would do more harm than good & then destroyed the pics.
I think that talking to the ex is like talking to family members. You handle yours and he handles his. In this situation you put yourself in the middle of their relationship and blew it up which can only be detrimental to everyone, especially the children.
You should have put the pictures back where you found them and put everything away then quietly told your fiance what you found and then left it to him to decide what to do with them. Most parents will get rid of all photos of this type as their kids hit an age where they might accidentally find them. The exwife was probably upset not just because they still existed but because she would be embarrassed if the kids saw nude pictures of her.
I think everyone needs to understand that photos, texts, emails, etc. are never in your control once they leave you and will exist indefinitely. If you don’t want them out in the world for forever, don’t make them and don’t send or share them. Once they leave you they aren’t yours and you have no say over them.
I think Wendy was way too harsh on the LW. I realize after reading the comments that I’m in the minority with this, but I don’t think the LW was snooping or whatever — she told the fiance she was cleaning out the closet and he agreed! I also understand her reasoning for going straight to the ex-wife — I think we’d all be unnerved if we found out our ex still had nude photos of us, even if they were just lying around in a closet. Sure, maybe she could have gone to the fiance first and been like, “Uh, so I found these … what do you want to do with them?” But I get why she didn’t. And I think the fiance needs to apologize to her for being a giant overreacting a-hole with all his “you invaded my privacy!” accusations. His reaction is def a red flag, like another commenter said. If they’re not even on speaking terms now, it might be time to go to a therapist.
At this point only 3 people have seen them so everyone needs to chill. The LW didn’t include the details of the shots. Were they simply portraits or snapshots I don’t understand why she felt compelled to contact his ex about them. If they were more erotic in nature then it would be more understandable. Never the less they were his property and she invaded his privacy. It’s a question of loyalty and trust that will be extremely difficult to overcome. She can’t undo what she did and he’ll never forget it. With kids involved he’s tied to his ex but not the LW. She’d better plan and exit strategy.
Gee, I don’t understand why the LW is at all upset with this situation as it stands right now. Sounds to me like she got exactly what she wanted… DRAMA! Oh, and he’s so not mad about her finding the pictures. He’s justifiable angry at her for deliberately shaking up the hornets nest with the mother of his children.
LW, giving you the benefit of the doubt that you weren’t snooping or expecting to find something lascivious, why the heck wouldn’t you at least talk to your fiance prior to contacting his ex with the information? Would that have been so hard? So many relationship issues could be nipped in the bud if people just communicated with each other better.
LW, I would like to give my perspective, because I can relate to the shock of finding such photos. I once found in a boyfriend’s possession inappropriate photos of an ex. Not just tastefully nude, this was the whole shebang, her naked & giving herself some loving. Of course, it was awful to find. I felt hugely embarrassed, and admittedly, a little insecure & freaked out. But never, ever, did it cross my mind to contact her. I told my bf that I had found the photos (HONESTLY accidentally, btw) and told him I wanted him to get rid of them. The end. So having been in this situation before, I just can’t understand why your first move would not be to go to your fiance. I understand your feelings, but not your actions.
I also think that LW chose the worst possible way to deal with the pictures.
I would like to add that I kind of understand the fiancé here… He may have overreacted a bit, but I think that is because he’s probably very embarrassed by the whole situation here. His ex-wife now probably thinks that the LW is weird and may be having doubts about the kids spending time at her ex-husband’s house (it is very important to know if the children are from the previous relationship or not).
Also, I understand how this would be an invasion of privacy. When you found the box and it was clear what was inside (HIS pictures of HIS previous wedding), you could have put it aside, and let him go through it if he wants to. I have pictures from way back lying around somewhere in the house, and I would be upset if my SO decided to throw them out just because he didn’t like them.
And I also can’t help but imagine myself in the ex-wife’s place. No matter how friendly I could be with the current SO of my ex-husband, she would be the LAST person that I would want to see me naked, or in any other compromising position.
Wow LW, wow!
Ok, I don’t think you were snooping in his belongings like some have mentioned. You saw photos of his family, a family you will soon be a part of, and you looked. And unfortunately you saw the nudie pics of his ex. I’m not even going to go into the debate of if he knew about them ect. Maybe he kept them and looked at them right after the divorce, before he met you, who knows and honestly it’s completely irrelevant. The issue here is why in the effing world would you bring them to the ex?!!!
You handled it as if you had found some creepy, illegal photos your fiancee took of his ex changing through the window and you “had to do the right thing” and tell her. These are pictures she clearly consented to when they were married.
And I disagree with what others have commented, I completely agree with your fiancee’s level of anger! There is much greater consequences to this situation, and they involve his children. You pointed out that they didn’t always have a good relationship. What if she uses this against him and retaliates using the children. What if she is so pissed that she drags him back to court to change the custody agreement. Of course he is livid!!! Anything that could effect the relationship between a father and his children is devestating.
You need to make this less about you and how you feel and realize the extent of what your bad judgement call has caused.
I don’t think ‘chill out’ is the appropriate response. Both LW and her fiance have done things weird or creepy enough for their partner not to trust them. Plus, they can’t communicate well. This does not seem to be a marriage that should take place, at least without a lot of counseling, soul searching, and getting to know each other again.
I meant chill out in the sense that they are clearly all reacting in extremes and should take a step back and assess things like adults. LW described a messed up chain of events, yes, but silent treatment? That is extreme.
Especially after the rest of the information has come to light, I would agree with the counseling & soul searching, etc. And I did say they do not communicate well, clearly. I truly don’t think (given the context of the original letter) that this was a deal breaker event like some other commenters. In light of recent revelations, perhaps it is- especially considering their inability to communicate well.
This is such a horrific breach of trust! And that poor woman must have been so mortified!
1. They are his pictures. You had no right to remove them. You have no right to destroy them–they’re his! I would be very upset if I were him; it’s just not your place to decide what happens to them.
2. I just can’t even imagine how mortified that poor woman was. I just can’t even imagine how you could even PRETEND that what you did was an act of kindness. I mean, it’s not like you rescued the pictures from a porn site and handed her the only copies. They were never going anywhere, and no one ever had to see them. You did this purely to humiliate her and to punish your fiance for once having a sex life with his then-wife.
To the fiance: MOA!
Sorry but you are in the wrong the fiance should MOA. Even your later posts about more nude photos from another ‘friend’ seem more drama from you.
um, what? a) you weren’t snooping and your fiance is overreacting out of guilt, i’m guessing. b) you found nudes that he took and kept — likely for a reason… c)you SHOWED HIS EX the photos and gave them to her, going over your fiance’s head. and the naive assumption that he didn’t know he had the photos? right. riiiiight.
CRAZY DRAMA. don’t marry this dude. dude, don’t marry this woman. you’re both…well… i don’t know the right word, but not-ready-for-marriage-to-each-other sounds about right.
LW, why in the world you thought that it was proper to ally yourself with your fiancé’s ex instead of your fiancé is beyond me. If I were him, I would also be furious with you. Why didn’t you just take the pictures to your fiancé instead of the ex wife? It was really meddlesome what you did, and if you are as innocent as you say you are, you better take this as a big lesson learned and eat a big ol’ hunk of humble pie.
What you did violated the trust in your relationship between yourself and your fiancé. When you found the photos, you needed to bring those to him, or pretend you never saw them at all. For you NOT to consider that his ex wife might have been mortified by your finding these pictures was not only shortsighted, but thoughtless. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?
Were you snooping? Only you know that… but you need to apologize all the way around and make the situation right. You need to explain to your future husband that you understand why he is so upset and that in the future, you will be sure to ALWAYS bring things to him first and NOT to his ex wife.
You basically gave her fodder for anger, and that is seriously UNCOOL.
….after reading all these posts…i would say MOA.
this relationship just sounds like a sucktastic dramafest.
I completely disagree! She has the right to give the private pictures back to her friend. They belong to the ex-wife, it’s her body, she should have the right to protect it after relationships are severed.
This man is the person to whom she is engaged to be married. Her future husband. If you think loyalty to a friend is more important than loyalty to your spouse, that is sad. Marriage is about trust – about having someone’s back. You are a team and if you let a third party into your marriage (or a promise to be married), there’s no way you are ready for such a serious commitment.
She did not behave like a trusting, communicative partner and was wrong. The person who deserves loyalty first is your partner- end of story. She can say whatever she wants to him-I’m uncomfortable with these photos being in our home and would like you to get rid of them, I want to let your ex-wife have them- whatever she wants. Communicate how you feel and what your needs are to your partner! She betrayed his trust by not going to him first about the situation. Whether he knew or not they were there, when he took them etc., is not relevant to loyalty and communication being tenets of a solid relationship.
wtf? She should have never told another woman that her ex was keeping compromising photos of her? In the age of revenge porn? Be for real Wendy, the ex deserved to know and her reaction is a red flag about the fiancé that LW should pay attention to. If the woman who married him and had his babies thinks he’s the type to keep these photos on purpose without her consent, she’s probably got a good reason for believing that. And the fiancé is more worried about being “in trouble” than about making amends to his ex for holding onto nude photos that she did not want him to have.
Who knows if he was saving them as leverage to threaten her with in case of a future dispute? The fact that nobody here except the new fiancee is at all concerned about the ex’s well being is unfortunate. Men who non-consensually retain intimate images of their exes don’t deserve to have women cover for them.