“I Found Intimate Photos of His Ex and Showed Them to Her”
I emphasized that I didn’t think he knew he had the pictures, and asked her what she’d like me to do with them. She was horrified, and ask that I bring them over right away. I brought them to her, and she was furious, she is convinced that he went through these at some point after their divorce and purposely kept them. Fiancé has also explained to her that he didn’t know he had them.
The problem is, he is absolutely livid with me. He’s accused me of snooping and “hunting for something,” violating his privacy, and getting him “in trouble” with his ex. He said I have no right to go through his things, and that I shouldn’t have told her anything and simply thrown the pictures away. I tried to tell him that I was only doing what I thought was the right thing, and that I would want someone to do the same thing if it were me memorialized in film.
He has placed the blame for this fiasco squarely on my shoulders, and I just don’t think that’s where it belongs. At this point, I’m at a loss and need an objective third opinion. Do you think I was snooping? Did I do the right thing by contacting her, or should I have just tossed them? Am I to blame for this fiasco, or does he need to share some of this?
At this point, we’re not even speaking to one another, I’m hurt and at a loss. — Photo Finder
Your situation reminds me a little bit of a letter I answered once from a woman who was angry that her fiancé wouldn’t get rid of photos from his first wedding. So, she took matters into her own hands and one evening got drunk with a girlfriend and ripped up a bunch of them while her friend egged her on. I’m sorry to say, but if it were a contest, your story might just take the cake here.
I can’t tell if you’re in denial of your jealousy or if you’re truly so naive as to think you were doing the “right thing” by reaching out to your fiancé’s ex-wife, behind his back, and bringing her nude photos of herself — photos that your fiancé likely took himself while he was married to her.
Now, I can imagine the shock and perhaps even horror you must have felt finding these photos. I certainly wouldn’t want to stumble on such pics of any woman from my husband’s past in his possession. How awkward! But you know what’s so, so, SO much more awkward than simply finding photos I shouldn’t have to see? Showing those said photos to the poor woman who’s the subject of them.
Imagine the embarrassment of your husband’s ex-wife to learn that not only did her ex-husband still have these pictures somewhere in his possession, but that his fiancée saw them — and not just saw them and quickly put them out of sight, but studied them, looking at them and thinking about them long enough to decide how to handle the situation. God, if I had been the ex-wife in question, I’d have been mortified!
This is definitely a case of what the ex-wife didn’t know didn’t hurt her. She should have been left out of this completely. Instead of dragging her into it, the “right” thing to do would have been first to ask your fiancé if you could look at his wedding album. But, let’s face it: who among us when faced with a partner’s wedding album in our own home wouldn’t let curiosity get the best of us and take a peek. It’s not exactly like going through someone’s old love letters or something, so I’ll give you a pass on that. But as soon as you saw those nude photos, you should have quickly tucked them back into the album and brought them to the attention of your fiancé later, saying:
“While I was going through the closet today, like I told you I would, I found some photos that made me really uncomfortable. I’m sure you didn’t even know you still had them, but now that you do, I’d feel much better if you could get rid of them.” Because, while it’s unreasonable to ask a partner to get rid of wedding photos, I think it’s completely reasonable to ask him to trash nude photos of an ex (one possible exception: he’s a photographer and the shots are part of his work/collection).
The key here — the very, very important key — is that you should have gone to your fiancé not to his ex-wife. He’s the person in this equation who deserves your loyalty the most. By going behind his back, you betrayed his confidence, and embarrassed not only him but his ex as well, potentially creating tension and drama between two people who possibly even co-parent together. Huge mistake!!
You completely overstepped your bounds, and you owe your fiancé a big apology. Let’s just hope he’s man enough to accept, forgive and move on, and that the damage created between him and his ex by your indiscretion isn’t long-lasting.
Follow along on Facebook, Instagram, and Threads.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Polite correction Wendy: he is her fiance, not her husband.
Oops, thanks.
Good job choosing the scandalous lady photo for this! 🙂
Why oh why wouldn’t you have just shredded them and tossed them out when you found them? You say you believe your fiance didn’t even realize he had them, and you’re marrying him now so I would say the only nude photos hanging around your house should be of you, so why not just quietly destroy the evidence and spare everyone the anger and embarrassment? Is it possible that you wanted to embarrass the ex-wife because finding them made YOU angry that your fiance still had them?
God, there’s probably a good possibility that there are some nude photos of me floating around in some ex-boyfriend’s possession, and the absolute LAST thing I would ever want would be for some strange woman to come find me and present them to me as if she was doing me a favor. The favor would have been to politely destroy and discard them because, frankly, those types of photos are intended for a specific time-frame and their appropriateness ends when the relationship does. They do not need to live on in antiquity.
Also, as a warning to everyone, be careful who has photographic evidence of you naked…if you don’t want everyone to see it, don’t take pictures naked.
The pictures weren’t the LW’s to destroy. She should have told her fiancé about them – they were his property. HE should have destroyed them. But totally agree the LW was trying to embarrass the ex under the guise of being helpful.
I totally agree with you from an ethical standpoint, but from a personal standpoint I would just want those pictures out of my house as quickly as possible and avoid the whole conversation. I doubt the husband would ever approach his fiance to ask if she’s seen those old nude photos of his ex-wife that he used to have hanging around and can’t find now.
Why? That seems very insecure…
yeah, crazy train insecure. Those are not your pictures to do whatever with.
“Also, as a warning to everyone, be careful who has photographic evidence of you naked…if you don’t want everyone to see it, don’t take pictures naked. ”
So true! With the internet nowadays, I honestly don’t know what people are thinking.
Not just the internet but phones too. Send one naked picture and it could EASILY end up being passed around very quickly.
Let it be known….men do not burn nude photos of their exes after the relationship is over….do not give your boy friend nude pictures if you aren’t prepared for him to keep them indefinitely…I’d also wager a good bet he was fully aware of those and will miss them being gone (obviously he wouldn’t say that out loud).
Total “COME ON!” moment for the LW…wtf were you thinking?
Oh he definitely knew they were still there!
The only time those photos are destroyed is when the new gf / wife finds them and makes you delete / burn / shred / stomp / eat / all of the above them.
Why this guy hid those in a freaking wedding album is beyond me – however…the fact that he hid them there does make me wonder if he did actually forget…that is not the first place I would hide nudies of an ex-wife…that sounds more like he actually did “file them away”.
Yeah it seems like he just forgot about them, and I definitely wouldn’t hide them there either! Probably just put them away real quick one time when he was using them, and the fiance came home, and forgot all about it.
Parents destroy photos like this when the kids are getting old enough to find them by accident. Every kid I know hides in a closet at least part of the time when playing hide-n-seek and it wouldn’t take much to go from hiding to looking through the contents of the closet. Especially if they realized that there were picture of their mom and dad together because children always identify with the marriage from which they came.
Considering that he and the ex-wife were on bad terms for a while, he may have just put all the pictures of her/involving her in one place (and a place that is meant for photographs at that). I would have done something similar – wedding pics, naked pics, happy pics, smiley pics, all together, so you only will see them if you go into that particular album.
I think most people are acting a little wonky here. LW is crazy pants, but I think destroying them yourself is also pretty nutso. But I also wouldn’t insist that he destroy them either– I think destroying pictures is really intense and so so so permanent. I think i’d have asked him to give them back to her, or to scan them and then get rid of the originals, or to hid them somewhere else (not sure where, storage unit if you have one?) so they wouldn’t be in my home, but who knows who is going to want to look at what in 50 years.
Well, the LW is planning on marrying this man, which is presumably a forever deal. It’s not unreasonable to want your husband to stop looking at nude pictures of his ex, and since he’s going to be her husband, he should definitely get rid of them. They shouldn’t be on his computer or in print or anywhere else in his house. He shouldn’t be planning on looking at them again in 50 years, because that’s inappropriate. I wouldn’t ask him to get rid of them either, but that’s because I would want him to volunteer to do it first. But either way, they need to go. It’s not like just looking at porn when it’s an ex.
I wouldn’t want him to keep looking at them on any regular basis (or at all) but i just hate deleting/destroying things. Maybe its the packrat in me, but who knows if they’ll ever be necessary? [G-d forbid the rest of what i’m going to say] but what if the Ex is kidnapped and they need pictures to identify a tatoo? Or if she goes on a rampage and the same? Or what if she asks for them and is really upset that you didn’t give them back first because he promised to keep them for her so the kids wouldn’t find them? Or what if she turns into the world’s biggest porn star and the amateur pics are worth a fortune? Or what if she threatens to blackmail him using her own naked pictures of him and he needs ammo to threaten back with? I mean, all of these are totally nuts, but who knows? I guess I don’t really throw out anything; I have a memory box of each ex boyfriend and any future husband of mine would understand why I have a shoe box with my corsage from high school and the condom we never used; etc. up through my current ex from last week. They belong in their box, not the trash. But I get that others might not see it that way.
I agree. Furthermore, I think they have sentimental value. I wouldn’t want my guy looking at naked photos of his ex all the time, but I would never ask him to destroy them. Pack them up in the box of stuff from the past, and let them be
I completely agree with you. I would not be intimidated by nude pics of my man’s ex. If he wanted her, he’d still be with her. I mean, I wouldn’t want them up on the fridge or anything–They should be packed away somewhere discrete.
It’s not a matter of intimidation for me. It’s respect for your partner. It’s just one of those things you do if you’re in a serious relationship.
I wouldn’t feel disrespected unless he intentionally showed them to me or paraded them around our home with no discretion. If I was snooping through my boyfriend’s stuff–which I admit I’ve done, for nosiness’s sake, not for jealousy–and I came across naked ex pictures, or old ex love letters for that matter, I’d just cringe and stop digging there. Serves me right for being nosy. He’s allowed to have a history that he still values; that doesn’t mean he loves me any less now.
However, getting NEW naked from “friends” is shady as hell. Judging from the LW’s expansion on the story below, their relationship is far more complicated than the original letter made it seem.
I’m sorry, but this is just crazy talk.
Yeah i’m sorry but you sound like you belong in crazytown with this comment. What if she becomes a porn star and you want to make money off of it – Seriously?
Yeah they should be destroyed. Whether the fiance or the LW or the ex-wife does it – the relationship is dead and the pictures taken need to die with it.
In my imaginary world, If she’s a porn star, then its not exploitation to sell risque pictures of her, as it isn’t the same type of violation as with a non-porn star.
Which of course it still clearly is, as the consent she gave to take those pictures was completely different than consent in a porn star situation and in one she is “princess consuela banana hammock” and in the other she is “jane.” I get that. I was just rattling off totally crazy but who knows reasons why you might kick yourself for destroying something that can’t be un-destroyed. I wasn’t suggesting they were a) awesome; b) legal; c) moral or d) ever going to happen; I just don’t like throwing things away because WHO KNOWS what is going to happen. Plus im sentimental. That’s all.
I actually have boxes like that too. I have a hard time throwing stuff away like this as well, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to keep it. It just means it’s harder or you to throw it away. When I started dating my boyfriend I got rid of things that were inappropriate. It’s okay to keep old letters and regular pictures together like of vacations or birthdays, but nude pictures?? My boyfriend would be mad if he found that in my closet, sure. But more than that, he would be crushed and heartbroken, and I would never do that to him. I’m betting that if I told him that I was holding onto them in case I needed them again, that wouldn’t make that any easier for him. It would just make things worse. When you’re in a relationship, especially ENGAGED, you have obligations to do things like this that you aren’t excited about doing.
Ohhhhkay. That was weird. If you want to hang onto everything (including naked photos of exes) for sentimental reasons, ok, your call. But they might be “needed” someday. Maybe to identify their body based on tattoo visible in the photo. You know that (and all of your scenerios) are a reach. You know logically, that none of them will ever happen, right?
Of course they are. All of them. Especially the totally inconsistent ones.
They were supposed to be crazy because if they did ever happen (with the exception the morally reprehensible ones, which I was just trying to be light-hearted with) then you’d kick yourself. And who knows what’s going to happen.
On a more realistic note, I guess my thing is that I never know when I’m going to miss something that I wish i still had. (I admitted I was a packrat), for a variety of reasons, mainly because it always seems like the minute i discard/destroy something, the next minute I magically need it, out of the blue. Didn’t say it was totally healthy (though I’m certainly not delusional); just that I don’t like destroying things you can’t un-destroy.
If you were trying to make a light-hearted point, I guess I missed the mark and took you seriously, so my apologies for that.
If you did seriously hold onto things in case of the potential situations you listed, then your pack-rat tendencies would be bordering on obsessive hoarding.
I do understand the tendency to not want to destroy things, though. Its true, once something is gone, you can’t get it back. But by the same token, some things are better purged from your life, especially if they are crowding out the new. Who knows what you’re missing if you don’t make room for it?
He may have assumed the ex took all the nude photos with her and he may not have bothered looking through the albums just to see if some were left.
Really? You’re kidding, right? How unethical amiright?
Not sure about your answer on this one, Wendy. A friend recently had a collection of photos returned to her by her ex’s new wife, and she expressed how grateful she was for having them. She didn’t say if any of them were nude, but the fact remains, it seemed clear enough that they meant more to my friend than her ex or his new wife, and so I really applauded the new wife’s ethics in returning them to her. She could have trashed them, or she could have just kept them, but instead she made the contact and followed through to return them. Just because they’re not meaningful to the letter writer or immediately relevant to the fiance, doesn’t mean that the ex wouldn’t want them. The only issue, then, is that the LW did not clear the exchange with her fiance in advance. The reality is that the majority of the time, those we’re dating now have previous histories, and to simply toss the historical record out without mentioning to the other party is just short sighted and mean. If you don’t want the photos, offer ’em to the other person, and if they don’t want them, THEN trash them.
I’m willing to bet the photos your friend returned weren’t nude ones. But, regardless, my main issue with the LW is that she went completely behind her fiance’s back, which was really inappropriate. And i never suggested that the LW trash or toss the photos. I think that would be sort of crazy, as I implied in a previous column (linked above).
That seems like a completely different situation! Clearly they weren’t nude photos, and that changes everything. Wendy didn’t say she should have trashed them, she said she should have approached her Finance first, which is completely the right thing to do.
umm fiance! I work in finance! Stupid job getting in the way of me blogging!
Umm, yeah. We’re going to need to to check with Finance on this one, and even if they sign off, I don’t want this one backfiring on me so you’ll need to run it up the flagpole with Legal. Start building a team around this one and have a timeline and budget prepared. Good ‘outside the box’ thinking, mmkay. Thanks.
Why would someone WANT nude photos of themselves? To remember what they looked like in their prime? If someone called me to tell me they had them, the only reason I’d want them is to destroy them.
Probably for the peace of mind to get rid of them…however…there was no peace of mind to be had if she was never aware of them (well…forgot about them technically) in the first place.
Hey, one day I’m going to cherish naked photos of my hot young self!
I’d agree with your statement if A) the photos weren’t nudes and B) the photos actually belonged to the ex-wife. Just because you’re *in* a picture doesn’t mean you own it. They were his pictures to throw away if he wanted.
“Just because you’re *in* a picture doesn’t mean you own it.”
THIS.
I completely agree with Wendy. You should have spoken to your fiancé about it – not the ex-wife. If I were either of them, I’d be completely wierded out. Your best bet now is to accept the blame and profusely apologize, and let your fiancé know that in the future, in matters concerning his ex, you’ll talk to him about it first.
LW, absolutely the wrong thing to do. What were you thinking????? You betrayed your fiance and created drama where drama was completely unnecessary. You owe your fiance a huge apology and sexual favors too.
I will be apologizing. But SCREW YOU for saying I owe him sexual favors! I was wrong, and I will apologize for it. But THAT IS WHERE IT ENDS. You’re sick and effed up.
Judging from your reaction to this obvious joke, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess you’ve got bigger issues than this letter illustrates. In any event, I wish you had responded to the more serious comments on here and how you took them.
So I thumbed up your comment, and it showed up as a -1! But yeah thinks are looking up for the fiance :/
things
Ha, that happened to me last week. The only thing worse than a purple thumb, amiright?
Yup! and not getting jokes! I hate when someone doesn’t get my jokes!
I don’t know if this is actually the LW writing her displeasure over a joke or not, yet if we can drop the levity for a sec and get to the matter at hand. I want to mention this to LW, since no one has said it yet.
LW, you wrote that your relationship with the ex-wife is one with a person “who’s actually become a friend of mine, after years of petty bickering”. If anything can come from this situation, please let it be the realization that this ex-wife, is not your friend and truly never can be your friend. At best you can be friendly to this woman, but by no means can you ever truly be friends with her if it means betraying confidences that you made with your husband to her, a woman with whom he divorced. If it weren’t for her ex, your fiancee, maybe you could be friends, but with that in common, it’s hard to say, isn’t it. Your relationship with this woman can never really be like the one that developed in the movie “Stepmom”, so don’t operate like it can be.
Stop being an open book to this woman. The ex is not your friend. You can be friendly, for the sake of the children, but as long as you’re the third party in potenial parenting decisions, you two can truly never be friends.
I always got that the relationship in stepmom eventually got to a point of mutual respect and given the SPOILER, a happy relaxed acceptance of the status quo in a way that helped the children deal. I never got that they were bff’s.
Not that it matters to your overall point, but I just didn’t get that from the movie.
I personally thought that they reached an understanding and agreed to be cordial for the sake of the family unit. Friendly, yes – but never truly friends. Some of my friends got the impression though that they ended up as friends – which I personally didn’t see, but some people point to the movie as how the growing pains in those types of family dynamics make everyone turn up as friends in the end.
Whatever. 😛
LW — NICE! Glad to see you have such a long fuse and great sense of humor. Your fiance is a lucky man. I guess I’m supposed to say AMIRITE here. And no, that is not where it ends, not if you have messed up things between your fiance and his ex.
Clearly I was joking, I’m glad that most people understood that. I don’t envy you LW, such a betrayal of trust is going to take you a long time and a lot of work to rebuild with your fiance. As much as you wish it would, an apology will not mend his trust in you. You were disloyal to him and caused an avoidable problem with his ex-wife over something that was none of your business. I wish you the best of luck in repairing your relationship.
I don’t know; I’m now on Team LW. With a “normal guy” fiance, she was totally and ridiculously out of line and had a pretty wackadoo response to a very common occurrence — finding pretty run-of-the-mill photos of your man’s Ex. But with her fiance, Mr. I-get-sexts-from-my-female-friends, keep naked pics of most of my exes and forbid my fiance to touch my stuff? I kind of lost sight of what she did wrong and now wonder if it was a woman’s-intuition thing and she was actually doing the “right thing” for the Ex, as Mr. ShadyPants can’t be trusted with naked pics. I mean, doesn’t bode well for her impending nuptuals, but I bet the Ex really is relieved.
Where did she say this? Seriously, I can’t find where anything aside from he still having photos was was said about his behavior – was the comment redacted or is it buried now in the pile of other comments?
Never mind, I found them. Yeah…I don’t know now with the full story, it sounds like her f-up was actually good. She probably wouldn’t have found out the extent of his “photo collection” if she had done the “right” thing and told him what she found first. I guess the upside is everything is in the open?
Huh, I kinda give the LW the benefit of the doubt here that she was trying to do the right thing and not cause an issue, but we all know how that goes. The troubling thing to me here is that she and the fiance aren’t speaking now. That seems like an overreaction to me. This whole “violation of privacy” thing–I don’t consider cleaning out the closet (with his knowledge) to be a violation of privacy. Him accusing you of “hunting for something” when you were just trying to clean? I mean, you have to look through stuff to know if it goes in the keep or trash pile.
But what do I know.
I’d apologize to the fiance and say that you were trying to do the right thing but you blew it. If he’s a decent guy, he’ll accept that.
I don’t think she was hunting for it, either, or violated his privacy. But I think that it could easily look that way since she immediately told the ex and handed over the photos. It’s such a bizarre thing to do that I probably wouldn’t understand her motivation at all if I were him.
He probably went there emotionally because he was aware of the pictures and felt that handling it this way would prevent the LW from being able to get pissed at him for still having the pictures.
I don’t know, does going behind the person you love’s back, and throwing him under the bus to his ex-wifre really sound like the right thing to anybody? He probably got to the conclusion that she was hunting for something, because she didn’t even give him the benefit of bringing them to him first. It just seems so weird to me that she would automatically bypass her future husband, go right to his ex.
Exactly! She should be bringing most things to her fiance first, especially when it’s something kind of questionable like this. He should be her reference point – who she goes to first about everything. If it has to do with him and his personal relationships, then there is almost nothing that excuses her for doing this.
LW, maybe you thought you were doing the right thing. I can’t really imagine how someone could think that was the best response, but okay maybe you did. Maybe you need to think more about the way you should be treating your future husband and the way a healthy marriage works. Think about when it’s appropriate to go ahead with a decision on your own and when you need to go to him first, then sit down and have that conversation with him. He may now have doubts about your ability to put your relationship first, so it’s likely that he’s rethinking the marriage. You need to have this conversation and set boundaries ASAP.
Most likely he was aware of these photos and was embarassed to be caught with them and it was easy to blame her since she brought them out into the light.
The photos were his property. Yes, she was the subject, but I assume they were taken with her permission or simply given to him. I’m not sure why the LW would hand them over without talking to her fiance, and I find that to be much more of a red flag for their relationship than him having the photos (which I don’t find to be one at all). The content of the photos doesn’t change the fact that they were his.
Why on earth would you contact his ex-wife without even talking to your fiance about it?! That seems a bit backwards. If I were your fiance, I would be pissed at you too! And if I were his ex-wife, I would absolutely not have wanted to know about the photos. If I left a couple naked pics with an ex, there’s no way I would ever want to see them again or be reminded of them. You should apologize to your fiance as soon as possible and hope he can forgive you for this. Good luck.
wow, i would be worried if i was the letter writers fiance right about now. why would you go behind his back like that? i’m sure finding naked pictures of another woman would hurt, but seriously, talk to your fiance, then get rid of the pictures. why would you even go to the ex? it sounds like you were pissed at your fiance and found the most obnoxious way possible to get back at him. the fiance should seriously consider whether this is the type of person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. i know if i was him i would have serious trust issues at that point on.
“and found the most obnoxious way possible to get back at him” YUP
I keep trying to put myself in the LW’s shoes to see what I would do if I was in the same situation. Even if his ex-wife and I were on “friendly” terms, I don’t think I ever would have gone to her about these pictures. I would have brought them to my husband’s attention and then moved on. LW, you owe your fiance a huge apology. Sure, its good that you’re friends with his ex (makes life a lot easier with kids involved), but this was definitely a huge overstep in boundaries.
like many other commenters i am just very confused as to why you went to the ex-wife first. i do think you need to apologize for that and realize that you made a bad decision. if i was your husband i would be worried that you would make more than just this one decision for me in the future. if you thought you knew exactly what i would feeel and want to do in this situation why wouldn’t you just assume you knew what i would want before talking to me about a number of other issues.
I’m BAFFLED that the LW did not take this up with the fiance first. I don’t understand what she did. That said, I agree with Budjer that the fiance was probably fully aware of the existence of the photos, and is trying to deflect that particular issue by accusing the LW of snooping and whatnot (which i don’t think she did).
I completely agree with Wendy on this. Though I don’t think the LW was looking for these photos at all she handled this all wrong. She should have brought the pictures to her fiance, and let him explain why he still had them, and if they bothered her she could have let him know at that time.
Instead she went behind her fiance’s back, so she doesn’t have his trust any more, and she also screwed up a good thing with his ex, who is the mother of his children, that she is going be playing a big role in their lives once they get married, and she also may have upset her fiance enough for him to call things off. The LW needs to apologize to her fiance as soon as possible (while explain that the pictures made her feel uncomfortable), and hopefully have him explain to his ex that she thought she was doing something kind for the ex by returning the pictures.
I’m not sure any of this was motivated by jealousy. LW and fiancé’s ex are friends, after all. LW should have mentioned the photos to her fiancé first, absolutely (unless the photos looked like they were taken without the Ex’s knowledge, which seems unlikely), but I actually don’t see a reason to impute malice to the LW.
Incidentally, fiancé’s reaction is a bit off to me. She told him in advance she was cleaning the closet. Even if he forgot about the photos, if he’d wanted LW to stay out of his stuff he could have said then “Thanks, hon, but just leave my stuff alone and I’ll go through it this weekend”. If he were just angry about LW going directly to the ex, fine, but accusations about snooping? That’s a little off to me.
It depends upon how you define jealousy. I don’t think LW was jealous that their was something currently going on between fiance and his ex, rather this is a case of the all-too-common-and-totally-pointless jealousy of a prior, dead relationship. LW had her unreasonable fantasy shattered and reacted very vindictively.
LW was like the teenagers who ‘believe’ their parents certainly aren’t sexual beings anymore and likely did it under the covers in the dark only one time for each of the kids they produced. LW wanted to believe that her fiance never loved his ex to the degree that he loves her, never saw his ex as being as hot as he now sees her, and basically only did it under the covers in the dark with ex the minimum number of times to produce the offspring she is aware of. She wants to block out the certainty that when her fiance was younger and hornier that he definitely was very frisky with a wife whom he saw as extremely hot. A wife who was younger than LW is now. If she can’t be his one and only, she wants to be the bestest, with the ex someone that he never really cared all that much about and would certainly not have wanted to be sexually adventurous and uninhibited with. Yes, this is a somewhat pathological view of LW, but the amazement at her actions on the part of just about all of us, coupled with her sense that she’s done nothing unusual or wrong, suggests that a little pathology is present. LW would be better off marrying the 40-year-old-virgin. She clearly is unable to cope with her fiance’s sexual past.
If fiance is wise, he’ll move on. If he stays with LW, he can expect more future drama of this sort. His best apology to his ex would be to let her know he has dumped LW’s ass.
Btw, the reason I say the fiance should move on is that this is a tremendous betrayal of trust. When the LW expressed a desire to ‘clean out’ this particular closet, the fiance surely knew that this would involve her rooting through his personal mementos. He likely knew that a desire to privately peruse the papers and photos that he had accumulated during a prior life was the motivation for wanting to clean out this closet. Knowing that, he gave his permission for her to go through his private possessions. For her to flip out and share what she found with a third party must have totally wigged him out. For that 3rd party to be his ex, with whom he needs to maintain an amicable relationship for the sake of the kids, must strike him as extremely vindictive. She has chosen to get back at him, for doing nothing particularly wrong other than having a life prior to his time with her, by not only jeopardizing his amicable relationship with his ex, but by taking an action which may make it extremely difficult for him to maintain a relationship with his children, should the ex wig out, as she apparently has. Extremely vindictive! But then, perhaps the whole purpose of going to the ex was to try to sever her fiance’s relationship with his prior family.
I agree she should have approached her fiancé rather than the wife. However, if I were in LW’s shoes, I’d have insisted to my fiancé that he either present them to his ex or destroy them. Regardless of how you define jealousy, I’m not jealous–I don’t care if Mr. Greebo looks at other women (face it, men do), goes to strip clubs (unless it breaks the budget) or gets thrills out of porn. It’s fine by me that he’s friendly with several exes (so am I). But I believe photos of this nature should belong to the subject and not the photographer. If explicit photos of me existed, I’d be grateful for their return, and horrified to think they might have ended up in the hands of my/his kids, kids’ friends, cleaning ladies, contractors, or picked out of the trash or whatever.
i don’t think the issue is her finding the pictures in general. i think it’s what she did with them that is making him feel like she was just snooping. if she had just said something to him i womder if his reaction would have been different. but she skipped talking to him entirely and went straight to his ex. that is just weird. and i would be pretty pissed too.
I agree. I think she tried to do what she thought was right and missed the mark. I don’t think she’s “crazy,” or jealous, or in denial, or trying to stir up trouble. And I think the fiancee overreacted, too. Even if he did forget about them, why would he be so pissed that she gave them back? Was he planning to use them in the future?
And btw, I’d be hella grateful if someone found a stash of n00dz of me and returned them, proper “ownership” be damned. (Not that there is such a stash).
I think that there is just about zero chance that LW was ‘trying to do the right thing’. She clearly was trying to punish her fiance.
Well, then I clearly read a completely different letter. I didn’t detect “punishment” in this at all. I read three people completely mishandling a situation.
he should have been the one who gave them back, he should have known that she was going to do that. that is where she made a bad decision. and if i were the fiance i would be mad. i’m not arguing that the pictures shouldn’t have been returned, etc just that she should have talked to her fiance first. bottom line, she was wrong for not doing that.
I’m with the other commenters. What the HELL were you thinking?
First of all, you might be a couple but you’re not joined at the hip. He has his things, you have your things, and of course there are shared things, but this is *not* one of them. One does not simply take, give away, or destroy another’s things simply because you don’t like them. You had no authority to walk off with those photos regardless of whether he remembered he had them.
Secondly, (but of no less importance), why on earth would you give them to the ex-wife? Unless you have a standalone friendship (which it sounds like you do not) or are planning a surprise party, any communication with the ex-wife should be done with your fiance’s blessings as a matter of courtesy and everyone being on the same page. ESPECIALLY when it involves something as sensitive as this. You didn’t even give your fiance a chance to explain himself, to you or the ex-wife. You jumped to conclusions about his knowledge (or lack thereof) about the photos, his intentions regarding them, and what the ex-wife would have wanted, and clearly none of your assessments were correct.
Major apologies are owed to your future husband and his ex-wife. Some groveling might not go amiss either.
You bring up a great point that Wendy touched on too…”any communication with the ex-wife should be done with your fiance’s blessings as a matter of courtesy and everyone being on the same page.” First and foremost, loyalty is owed to your fiance. Just because you’ve gotten friendly with the ex-wife, remember the only reason for that is your fiance and enabling a friendly co-parenting relationship. IDK, the more I think about the situation, seems like you are either a complete idiot or a very vindictive person LW.
Reading this letter made me feel bad for the future husband. His fiancée is currently a better “friend” to his ex-wife rather than to him. I understand that the ex-wife and your future husband have children together, but fact that they have children together should not excuse any creation of a rift between you. By going to the ex-wife first with the pictures before going to your fiancé, you effectively allowed a rift to be created rather than help foster the united front your future husband wanted to make with you.
Should he have kept the pictures of his ex in the first place now that he has a new wife is totally irrelavent right now. As the new wife-to-be, you should be developing the trust you want to have with your husband. By letting the ex-wife know about the nudes before the fiancé, you’ve let a third party into your marriage now.
Whaaat. LW– was there some reason you weren’t comfortable letting your fiancè know you found the pictures? I don’t want to repeat Wendy or the other commenters too much, but I just cannot imagine what sort of thought pattern would’ve led you to call his ex first. That would have been the “right” move if you found a stack of photos of the neighbor or something, clearly unaware she was being photographed. But this was his ex-wife. My bf has sexy pictures of his ex girlfriend still on his computer, and he knows I also have some shots & video clips of my ex boyfriend on mine. Maybe this is not the norm, but I’m telling you this to offer another perspective– that the pictures themselves are kind of not a big deal?
However, you made them a big deal by calling his ex. I’m thinking that perhaps she was only projecting anger over them to you because you sounded so clearly freaked-out? And so she didn’t want to be like “Oh, just leave them, it’s fine”? Either way, you can’t go back in time, so my advice now would be to write your fiancè a letter (since you aren’t on speaking terms). Just keep it simple, not defensive, and apologetic. Maybe mention something vague about “girl-code” when you’re explaining that you thought you were doing the right thing. Also DON’T try to flick some blame onto him; just shoulder all of it yourself because you definitely made a mistake.
Totally agree! I don’t see all the horror in having leftover pics from an old relationship. If I found naked pics of my boyfriend’s ex, I’d quickly and with embarrassment leave them where I found them and try to erase the images from my mind! Maaaaaybe I’d tell him that I don’t like the pics, and maybe I’d seek a little backhanded consolation for having seen something upsetting… But I would never destroy them or *shudder* bring them back to the other girl.
Also, want to add that I agree with those saying she WASN’T actually snooping, but her fiancè is just probably so upset & confused about her bypassing him that he’s imagining there to be some sinister seek-and-destroy motive.
Agree, agree, agree.
Tsk, tsk, LW. This was a really bad call and you owe both people an apology. You caused unnecessary embarrassment and discomfort for all parties —and in relationships that you’ve said were a struggle to balance in the first place. It’s understandable if YOU felt uncomfortable seeing them, but the mistake was yours and the decision to deliver them to the ex was meddlesome and inflammatory.
And come on now, somewhere in your mind you already know that.
I think your fiancee is right to be angry with you. Instead of contacting the ex-wife, you should have brought the pictures to your fiancee’s attention first. You and your fiancee could have easily destroyed them and spared her any embarrassment. I just don’t see what good was accomplished by telling her about the pictures. I think if I were the ex-wife, I’d rather not be informed that my ex still has naked pictures of me. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
I will say that it does sound suspicious that your fiancee didn’t know that he had those pictures. But you know him better than I do and if that’s what both your gut and he is telling you, well, then ok.
Again, I do think you should have gone to your fiancee first so you could have decided together what to do. It seems like you went behind his back when you went to the ex-wife without so much as a heads up to him. If he really didn’t know he had the pictures, then technically he is right – this fiasco is all on you and it could have been avoided or at least minimized. Maybe he would have wanted the opportunity to inform his ex or he could have told you that telling her would do more harm than good & then destroyed the pics.
I think that talking to the ex is like talking to family members. You handle yours and he handles his. In this situation you put yourself in the middle of their relationship and blew it up which can only be detrimental to everyone, especially the children.
You should have put the pictures back where you found them and put everything away then quietly told your fiance what you found and then left it to him to decide what to do with them. Most parents will get rid of all photos of this type as their kids hit an age where they might accidentally find them. The exwife was probably upset not just because they still existed but because she would be embarrassed if the kids saw nude pictures of her.
I think everyone needs to understand that photos, texts, emails, etc. are never in your control once they leave you and will exist indefinitely. If you don’t want them out in the world for forever, don’t make them and don’t send or share them. Once they leave you they aren’t yours and you have no say over them.
I agree with your statement that if having naked pictures of yourself out there freaks you out, don’t ever take naked pictures. It’s entirely possible that a couple of my exes still have naked pictures of me, and I personally don’t give a rip. If one of their current girlfriends showed up at my door with them, I’d tell her that I don’t care, and please don’t bring your drama to my house. Not my problem.
I think Wendy was way too harsh on the LW. I realize after reading the comments that I’m in the minority with this, but I don’t think the LW was snooping or whatever — she told the fiance she was cleaning out the closet and he agreed! I also understand her reasoning for going straight to the ex-wife — I think we’d all be unnerved if we found out our ex still had nude photos of us, even if they were just lying around in a closet. Sure, maybe she could have gone to the fiance first and been like, “Uh, so I found these … what do you want to do with them?” But I get why she didn’t. And I think the fiance needs to apologize to her for being a giant overreacting a-hole with all his “you invaded my privacy!” accusations. His reaction is def a red flag, like another commenter said. If they’re not even on speaking terms now, it might be time to go to a therapist.
can you explain why you understand why she went to the ex first because honestly no matter how many times i read this letter i don’t get it. why is it ok to skip talking to your fiance about this and go to his ex? i don’t think he’s actually mad about he privacy issue i think he’s pissed because she didn’t include him in this issue. so what other issues in their marriage is she going to decide it isn’t important to go to include him? i personally think that if she had just included him in this he wouldn’t have been mad. it’s the way she went about it that made him feel like she was snooping. if she wasn’t snooping why not just tell him?!? i just seriously don’t understand.
I don’t think she was snooping either and that is nothing more than conjecture at this point for those that do believe it (still a possibility)…
However…the fact remains it is horribly ridiculous she circumvented her fiance in this situation…and the over-reaction on the fiance’s part could be solely based on the ludicrous-ness of the LW’s actions…because let’s face it…the way this was handled would be grounds to call off an engagement. I’m not suggesting that should be done – but I could understand if it was the result of this.
She never should have taken the pictures if she didn’t want him to have them. That is a risk she took, by letting her then husband take them. This isn’t like it was some ex-boyfriend that you only went out with for a month! Also the fiance said it was ok to clean out the closet, he didn’t say it was ok for the LW to go through his personal stuff that was clearly marked, but I also agree with Wendy that the LW might get a pass on that, because of the nature of what they were suppose to be. I can’t believe some people are making it out to be not such a big deal that the LW went behind he fiance’s back, and ruined a stable relationship with the mother of his kids, and her own relationship with this women who she was getting along with just fine. Now who knows what kind of rumors the EX is spreading about both of them to the kids, and relatives. Defintiley something that should have been kept in house, and talked about as a couple.
I don’t think any of us here think the LW was purposely snooping. And as others have mentioned, the photos were really most likely taken with the ex’s consent (not like he was being a creep, snuck the shots and she didn’t know they exsisted). Those photos were a private matter between the man and his ex.
I don’t believe the LW was purposely trying to stir up trouble. But she should have left the ex out of this. She should have told her fiance about what she found and asked him to deal with it.
I do think the fiance has over-reacted (not speaking to her is kind of harsh) but I certainly understand why he’s mad and I think the LW should apologize.
You should be able to assume that your fiance has your back but instead she stabbed her fiance in the back. She may also have permanently harmed his relationship with his children. A loving fiance/spouse doesn’t do that to you.
Imagine if the same thing happened to you. You had this wonderful, loving, supportive fiance you are about to marry and then you hear that he went and took naked photos he found of your ex boyfriend and gave it to him. I’d be so mad! He did invade my privacy!
Yeah, if it was me, and I had nudie pics of my ex lying around that I’d forgotten about and my current beau found them and gave them back to my ex, I’d be like, “Oh, I didn’t even realize I still had those, and I obvs don’t want them anymore, so thanks for giving those back to him for me.” I just don’t understand why everyone is making a federal case out of this.
I think you forgot to put Amiright after that comment.
Do you have kids with your ex? That totally changes dynamics of how things are perceived. The ex-wife either thinks her ex-husband is a scum ball now or that his fiance (the LW) is a drama causing weirdo (or both)…which is exactly why the LW’s fiance is upset. Depending on the divorce terms this could have just begun a snow-balling amount of stress for the LW’s husband.
edit* future husband…
I’m still waiting for the “father’s cousin’s uncle’s nephew’s roommate” relation…
Ha. I can see it now–um, Wendy, friendly edit but I think you meant Mother’s uncle’s cousin’s father’s roommate.
That is how I would feel, I also agree with the LW that the ex wife deserved to have the pictures back to destroy or keep on her own. I think the only miss step was the lw not telling the fiance what she was doing. The fiance us overreacting the lw should apologize for not going to him first, but he shoul get over himself.
I don’t think the LW was snooping either, but its super weird to “decide” that your fiance doesn’t know about them and give them to his ex-wife.
I agree that we’d be unnerved if we knew our ex’s had nude photos of us (though probably not all that surprised if they were consentually taken), but I fail to see how that bears on LW’s actions. The Ex’s actions maybe, and why she freaked out on both the LW for being super weird and breaching boundaries and the Ex for having a fiancee that clearly lacks boundaries and is now in the middle of something that was just between the two of them, something that is very touchy and embarrassing.
While her fiance may not have originally thought she was snooping, he can still feel his privacy was violated when LW involved the ex. His privacy being that he still had the pics or the fact that he saved them, or the fact that he now shares everything with the LW (he may not have wanted the ex to know the extent to which he shares his prior life with her, something that is both good to do and good to keep secret for the mental health of all parties. (Ex’s should feel that their secrets remain safe even though he has moved on, and new fiances should be allowed to be privy to everything if that’s how the couple works, but no one should talk about this discrepancy).
So yeah, I think she was well within her non-snooping rights to go through the wedding album and even to look at the pics (I believe very few things that others think are snooping are bad). But I really think it was wacky to see them, say to herself “he doesn’t know these exist so I’ll just give them back without him knowing” without forseeing that EX would mention it to the fiance, be weirded out or make the relationship uncomfortable, withouth realizing the EX might care that she gave stuff of his away, breached his privacy, found it weird that she wouldn’t talk to him about it. I just don’t really get how the LW thought this would end, better yet end well, which makes it a little loopy in my opinion.
At this point only 3 people have seen them so everyone needs to chill. The LW didn’t include the details of the shots. Were they simply portraits or snapshots I don’t understand why she felt compelled to contact his ex about them. If they were more erotic in nature then it would be more understandable. Never the less they were his property and she invaded his privacy. It’s a question of loyalty and trust that will be extremely difficult to overcome. She can’t undo what she did and he’ll never forget it. With kids involved he’s tied to his ex but not the LW. She’d better plan and exit strategy.
Gee, I don’t understand why the LW is at all upset with this situation as it stands right now. Sounds to me like she got exactly what she wanted… DRAMA! Oh, and he’s so not mad about her finding the pictures. He’s justifiable angry at her for deliberately shaking up the hornets nest with the mother of his children.
LW is toast. No way to undo this. Though. MAYBE is she presents him with a suite of explicit polaroids of HERSELF nude with a loving note. That’s my hail Mary pass advice for her to save this.
Pretty sure that’s the hail Mary pass advice for any f’d up thing a girl does 😉
It would at the very least be an excellent ice breaker into apologizing for fucking up and set the tone for a good “reconciliation”.
Backfire scenario…fiance sends those pics to the ex with a note “hope this evens the playing field and you feel better” Amiright?
I don’t think even Doug Flutie could get her out of this one 🙂
Love this drama. Best moment: Budger’s “Let it be known…” comment, and second place goes to the credibility-challenging idiocy of the LW.
If I’m the fiancé whose “n00dz” (thanks for that too!) have been expropriated, I’m pretty sure a mere apology ain’t gonna cut it here. No, LW needs to not only express contrition but make a material sacrifice that shows that she appreciates just how mercy her fiancé has by even resuming speaking to her. I’m guessing this isn’t a “I’m not speaking to her to punish her” but a ‘Who IS this person I thought I wanted to marry?’ type of not speaking. Yeah, ladies, this is an engagement-breaking red flag foul because it shows a depth of misjudgment hard to undo. His buddies are going to give him that raised eyebrow stare, like ‘you’re going to stand for that?’
LW, giving you the benefit of the doubt that you weren’t snooping or expecting to find something lascivious, why the heck wouldn’t you at least talk to your fiance prior to contacting his ex with the information? Would that have been so hard? So many relationship issues could be nipped in the bud if people just communicated with each other better.
Because she wanted to hurt him. No way she innocently tell the ex about the pics as her first reaction, unless she wants to hurt him. Nobody is that naive or stupid. This is the ‘I am very hurt that you left lying around something that unavoidably throws in my face the certain knowledge that you and your ex were once this hot, hot for each other, and trusting of each other’ that I want you to feel as bad as I did when I saw those pictures. The LW feels totally entitled to have done what she did and expected Wendy and all the responders to assure her that her fiance is a pig and she was totally justified to have lashed out at him and shouldn’t make up with him until he grovels like the pig he is.
What confuses me is this: “He has placed the blame for this fiasco squarely on my shoulders, and I just don’t think that’s where it belongs.” Where DOES it belong, then LW? You were the one who found the pictures, you decided what to do with them, you took action. Your actions created this situation. While other people’s REactions are under their control, you are absolutely to blame for CREATING this problem.
I’m not going to re-hash what everyone else has said. Your allegiance should be first and foremost to your future husband. You needn’t have showed him the pictures when you found them. You could have mentioned it and asked him how to proceed.
While I’m in the majority in regard to how you handled it, I’m one of the (fewer, I think) people who are slightly curious at your fiance’s reaction. While I’d certainly be extremely mad if I were him, the fact that you two aren’t even SPEAKING right now seems to be a red flag about your lack of ability to communicate.
You and your future husband are exhibiting poor communication skills in two ways – first, that you didn’t go to him when you found the pictures, and secondly, that this issue has blown up so much that you two aren’t even speaking. Whatever you do, before you get married I think you could both benefit from improving the way you communicate with each other…with the aid of a professional, if necessary. Don’t marry someone who you can’t openly communicate with in a healthy manner.
The LW behaved in a way that seems too immature for marriage. She doesn’t seem to have the ability to take a step back and realize possible consequences of actions she’s considering.
It’s hard enough to go into marriage immature but when there are kids from a previous marriage involved you have to hit the ground running. Kids add stress to marriage and when they come from a previous marriage and there is an ex involved then they are even more stressful. That means the LW needs to be mature when she gets married, she doesn’t have the luxury of growing up after the wedding. Add to that the serious communication problems this couple has and I think they need to wait to get married until they grow up a bit.
ReginaRay I really agree that the “silent treatment” they are giving each other is one of the most alarming aspects of this letter. There is no manual on how to handle this situation properly, no matter what all of us think. If anyone was in this situation 100 different people could argue how we handled it correctly. I think that even though the LW made a huge mistake, her fiance should at least be speaking to her about it! Everyone makes HUGE mistakes once in a while. Is this how problems normally get solved in their household?
oops, *incorrectly
LW, I would like to give my perspective, because I can relate to the shock of finding such photos. I once found in a boyfriend’s possession inappropriate photos of an ex. Not just tastefully nude, this was the whole shebang, her naked & giving herself some loving. Of course, it was awful to find. I felt hugely embarrassed, and admittedly, a little insecure & freaked out. But never, ever, did it cross my mind to contact her. I told my bf that I had found the photos (HONESTLY accidentally, btw) and told him I wanted him to get rid of them. The end. So having been in this situation before, I just can’t understand why your first move would not be to go to your fiance. I understand your feelings, but not your actions.
I also think that LW chose the worst possible way to deal with the pictures.
I would like to add that I kind of understand the fiancé here… He may have overreacted a bit, but I think that is because he’s probably very embarrassed by the whole situation here. His ex-wife now probably thinks that the LW is weird and may be having doubts about the kids spending time at her ex-husband’s house (it is very important to know if the children are from the previous relationship or not).
Also, I understand how this would be an invasion of privacy. When you found the box and it was clear what was inside (HIS pictures of HIS previous wedding), you could have put it aside, and let him go through it if he wants to. I have pictures from way back lying around somewhere in the house, and I would be upset if my SO decided to throw them out just because he didn’t like them.
And I also can’t help but imagine myself in the ex-wife’s place. No matter how friendly I could be with the current SO of my ex-husband, she would be the LAST person that I would want to see me naked, or in any other compromising position.
But would you have been mad at your SO looked at your old pics? I’d think probably not. I agree the giving away was the huge breach of privacy/trust; but I don’t think the looking was; I’d assume I’d be allowed to see old pics of my fiance especially in a box labelled “wedding” — if I wasn’t, I’d have expected a heads up – “hey, don’t go through the stuff in this box, its private.” If that seems too tempting, I have placed notes on boxes that I didn’t tell people about in advance (Private: please do not look inside) or file folders.
Can’t tell if this is what you were saying or not.
LW, you screwed up. You should have gone to your fiance first, and I never would have wanted to involve the ex in question. That was your big screw up, and you need to take the blame for that particular action.
Otherwise, though, I think people are being a too harsh on LW. If she really wasn’t snooping, told the fiance before she cleaned the closet, and came across these, I’m more concerned about the gross over reaction on the part of her fiance. My bet is that he knew he had them and forgot to grab them before she cleaned, so he turned it around on her with accusations of being crazy and snooping. If this is how he reacts to something like this, I would be worried about future overreactions.
I’m also bothered by the idea that these images are rightfully his property. Yes, the ex-wife did consent to take them–but they divorced, so her feelings about him regarding the pictures has also changed (according to her reaction). In these situations the ownership of the image should belong to the person depicted, not the person who has the physical copy. This is why models have to sign releases for their images–they are still the ones who will face repercussions if the photograph is used inappropriately. If someone possessed images of me nude, I would be grateful if somebody brought them to my attention even if I was fine with it.
The LW definitely shouldn’t have gone to the ex–but it seems like the rest of the conflict is due more to miscommunication than any grievous actions the LW took.
I’m really glad you brought up the point about the pictures being solely his property. I think nude photos, in general, are given under the assumption of privacy and that they’re going to remain between the people in the relationship. I really don’t think the legality of ownership applies to this situation because no law changes the fact that person being depicted in the nude photos has the right to be respected.
I know I’ll probably be in the minority for this, but I think the fiancee has some apologizing to do as well. He disrespected his ex-wife by hanging onto the pictures and leaving them around the house and betrayed her trust. He also disrespected the LW by having the nude photos in the first place and not disposing of them properly. I think it’s really strange how he blew up the way he did, and it seems like he’s trying to absolve himself by placing the blame on the LW’s shoulders. It sounds like he’s doing whatever it takes to avoid apologizing and taking responsibility for keeping the nude photos.
I want to address your third paragraph.
I agree with you to an extent. But if the ex wife was really that worried about her ex husband having these photos, why didn’t she ask for them back when they were getting divored, or get rid of them herself when the marriage became shaky? If I know someone has photos like that of me, and I no longer want them to, I would proactively make sure they were destroyed.
You might say she could have forgotten about them. Well, he could have just as easily forgot he had them. Then again, maybe she did ask him to destroy them and he didn’t. But we don’t know that. There’s too many what if’s leading up to the LW finding them.
What is really want to point out is this: if you know something is out there that you don’t want out there, it’s your responsibility to take care of it.
For the children’s sake, I hope everyone can move past this.
I’m not sure if I’m understanding what you’re saying completely (so correct me if I’m wrong 🙂 ), but isn’t that kind of like blaming the ex-wife for the fiancee’s actions? Yes, she could have been more proactive about getting rid of the pictures, but you can’t hold her responsible for the fact that the fiancee still had the pictures. I mean, should the ex-wife had carefully combed though every inch of the fiancee’s house looking for the photos and then hired a private investigator to see if any copies that she didn’t know about got out?
As to your last point about the kids, I completely agree with you. I hope they’re not getting affected by all this.
I’m not blaming the ex. Actually, I’m really not blaming anyone in this photo scandal. I use scandal loosely because I don’t think it is.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that if both were mature adults, the ex should have asked for the photos to be destroyed and the husband shoud have done so.
I’m going on the premise that everyone is an intelligent, mature adult and that since the above wasn’t done, they were forgotten by all until the LW found them and opened a can of worms.
Why I disagreed with AK47’s third paragraph is that I’m giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. So to say that the husband relinquished rights to the photos also means that the ex should have been more proactive in getting them back or destroying them.
I hope this helps clarify.
I take back what I said.
Obviously all parties in this matterer aren’t the mature adults I thought they were.
Again, poor kids.
For the record, I have apologized for doing what I THOUGHT was the right thing, but WAYYYY missing the target. I should also mention that the ex seemed very grateful for getting the pictures back, and also told me I did the right thing, as she believes since she is the subject they are her property. Ex believes, as I do I, that she has the right to determine what becomes of the pictures. Nonetheless, I agree that I should’ve told him first.
However, Fiancé did inform me that he has several pictures of his exes in…uh….RACY poses, and damn it, if he wants to have them, he can. Fiancé also admitted to having a “friend” text him naked pictures, and it’s been more than once. It seems I have literally opened up Pandoras box. Yeah, I’m sorry, that just sends my Creep-O-Meter into overdrive. We’ve been together for 5½ years. These he DOES know about, and has clearly made it a point to keep them.
I’m going to my Mothers for a few days to figure shit out. Sure, I was wrong. But keeping however many pictures of the same ilk of your former paramours, and having “friends” send you these pics just strikes me as wrong.
Holy crap LW! When you say “fiasco”, you sure meant it! I hope, for your sake, you haven’t allowed HIM to take nude pics of you.
this is a completely different issue than the letter originally mentioned. getting racey pics from friends? yeah that i would not be ok with. i’m getting the sense that this issue instigated you taking the photos to his ex. which i understand i’d be upset if i knew this about my husband and then found more photos, however you still should have talked to him. i think this additional information would also change the tone of a lot of responses. i honestly don’t know what i would do in this case. this issue seems a lot bigger than what your original letter mentioned. it seems like you guys have some serious communication issues that you might need outside help dealing with before getting married. i think taking a break and going to your mother’s house is a wise decision. but, after you’ve cooled off you definitely need to have some serious conversations.
First, and least important at this point, you shouldn’t care if the ex thinks you were doing the right thing, you should care about your fiance and try to get in that mindset from here on out.
Second, and way more important, that REALLY sucks that the Pandora’s box has opened. One thing to have some nude ex photos and an understanding secure gf, another thing to try to be understanding about a friend currently sending nude photos to your fiance. Good luck.
This seems like a completely different situation you are in now than the original letter. I still stick with everything i said with the first letter, but it also seems like you guys have some serious issues you need to work through, and you definitely need to remember that it really is easier to call things off now instead of thinking marriage is going to fix everything. To me what your fiance is doing is cheating you don’t need to put up with that. It seems neither of you have really taken each others feelings into account when you have done these things, and you really should see some counseling first if you still decide you want to marry this guy.
Just to add, I also think that if you went to your fiance first the two of you could have delt with everything on the DL, but now I’m guessing that the ex is lauging about how her dumbass ex husband is screwing up another relationship.
You should have had the forethought to realize that this would cause great tension between your fiance and his children’s mother. Really, what did you expect to happen? Your husband is your first priority, not her. In order to be a good wife to him, you need to think about him first and NOT try to be “besties” with the ex. If you had stopped for a single moment to think about what your husband would want done, you would have realized that getting rid of the photos and never speaking a word of it would have been the best thing for everyone… a fire can’t start if you don’t produce matches!
That is SO not the best thing!
Imagine that it wasn’t this crazy texting dude, and it was a regular guy who put all his pics of his exwife in a box a few months after his divorce, stuck it in his closet, and hasn’t looked at it since. You honestly think the best thing to do would have just been to destroy his pictures? I’d be so pissed that I have a censor in my home who thinks its their place to dictate unilaterally what I can and cannot own.
Obviously I didn’t mean to just destroy the pictures without first consulting the fiance. But I’m QUITE sure that the fiance would have NOT wanted to open up that can of worms and would have said that the pictures should be gotten rid of, without bringing them up to the ex. That way, if the ex ever asked him about them, he could just say, “Oh, those? Got rid of them during the divorce.” Instead of, “Oh yeah, my new wife found those.”
Ah. Ok, fair. I do disagree on destroying them in my life, but that’s just me and my packrat ways. But in the context of the fiance (not the LW) just destroying them and getting to have that reaction if asked, here, that is the best way, I agree.
I would totally want that for spank bank material if my wife passed away after 50 years too.
Until he asked who went through his stuff, and stole some pictures! It seems he doesn’t really care if the LW knows about them, because he told her about all of the others aswell.
Receiving nude photos from a friend once you’re in a committed relationship is wrong unless the two of you discussed it and agreed it was okay. Since you knew nothing of these photos it means he hid them from you because he knew you wouldn’t agree so that is upsetting.
or unless you didn’t know/want to receive them and subsequently ask them to stop sending you them. I know this was implied, so I’m just tacking it on. (If I got a picture of junk on my phone from a friend, I’d be bummed if my BF got mad at me before I could explain that i have no earthly idea why it was sent to me).
Yea, LW, I’m sorry about the Pandora’s box…having a “friend” send him provacative pictures (sexting…) while in a relationship with you is not really fair game….like…if this original discussion was right on the line of crossing the line….this new revelation is like |…………………………………………… here.
Please call me a valley girl from now on.
Valley-girl! smh…
Thanks for writing in again. If you’re still around and up for responding, can you clarify whether you knew about the other racy pics before finding these?
You said you apologized for acting without talking to him first (which I think is appropriate and mature, so well done), but you don’t mention anything about his reaction except the initial letter. I’m getting that you’re mostly upset because he has nude or explicit photos of people he knows or knew, including a fairly recent incident of explicit texting contemporaneous with your relationship? Is that it, or are there other issues here as well?
If you’ve already apologized for returning the photos to the ex, can I ask what kind of advice you’re looking for? I’m not trying to be nasty–I really don’t understand why you wrote. Validation?
Regardless, I hope you get everything figured out. Good luck to you.
In that type of situation, she could have felt the need to do something immediately rather than waiting for Wendy’s response? The whole situation could have unfolded fairly quick.
I read the response, read the comments, and promptly asked if we could meet up for coffee on his break, as his office has a coffee shop on the first floor open to anybody. His reaction was, aside from admitting he had pictures of other women, “Do *not* go through my shit ever again. Any of it. You have no right.” After he said that is when he mentioned the pictures of other women, which was a revelation to me.
I wrote in trying to get an objective 3rd party to weigh in on this. Of course I didn’t think I did anything wrong, neither did he. I needed an unbiased opinion to settle this issue.
Wow, sorry to say your fiance sounds like a rude dick.
Thanks for writing in yet again. It’s your relationship and you will both map out your own boundaries, but…
He knew you were going through the closet. He knew he had stuff there. He could have said to leave it alone; he could have gone through it himself. While I agree that everyone has the right to privacy, I fail to see how, if you’re married, you will honestly be able to “never go through his stuff”. I know from my own marriage, my sister’s and sister-in-law’s, my parents’ and in-laws–stuff happens. There’s a big box of “something” in the garage, collecting dust. He hasn’t gone through it, you need space, you roll up your sleeves and dig in. Mr. Greebo leaves mail on the table. I don’t “snoop” but if it’s a pile of who-knows-what that’s been there a week, I sort. If I didn’t, we’d be buried in fliers for new siding. And Mr. Greebo, while helping me move, found old photos and looked through them. They were in an album in my closet, and I’d forgotten about them. No naked pics, but plenty of exes and pieces of my past. And I don’t feel violated or invaded.
I can’t give you a pass on giving away his photos without even talking to him, but I’m left wondering if you had reason to think he had actually deliberately kept them; his recent receipt of photos from a friend (which is weird to me, and would cross a line), his apparently habit of collecting photos of past GFs…I’m glad you’re thinking this through. I wish you well.
I read the response, read the comments, and promptly asked if we could meet up for coffee on his break, as his office has a coffee shop on the first floor open to anybody. His reaction was, aside from admitting he had pictures of other women, “Do *not* go through my shit ever again. Any of it. You have no right.” After he said that is when he mentioned the pictures of other women, which was a revelation to me.
I wrote in trying to get an objective 3rd party to weigh in on this. Of course I didn’t think I did anything wrong, neither did he. I needed an unbiased opinion to settle this issue.
Oh I missed some things while I was posting..
LW- The nudes of other exes might be uncomfortable and wrong to you, but even more disturbing are photos sent to him by a ‘friend’ since you’ve been dating. This is a red flag to me and absolutely explains his reaction.
The first thing a person who has been caught tends to do is get angry and place the blame on the other for snooping. He turns you into a bad guy as well, where both parties have betrayed trust, so he can feel better about his actions.
Personal photos from past relationships are one thing, but personal photos from someone outside of the current relationship tells me he has a completely different view on what is acceptable behaviour in a monogomous relationship. If he finds nothing wrong with this, and you do, this is probably not a good match. I’m sure there is someone out there with a more open view on this type of behavior for him, and someone out there for you more than happy to keep his nudie picture habits to porn stars and anonymous photos. 🙂
Your original letter said Ex thought fiancé held onto these deliberately. Did she think (do you think) she asked for them back and was lied to/refused, maybe during the divorce?
I think this is why the ex freaked out – he probably told her he got rid of them… it brings to light a shady character trait…
Actually, to play devil’s advocate here, I can see why the fiance (oops!) opened the Pandora’s box … maybe thinking he was helping his cause..
“Honey, no need to get upset over these photos. I have nude pictures of all my exes. My EXES. Heck, I even have nude photos a friend sent me! And she’s only a friend- see, I never have and don’t ever want to sleep with her, I just like nudie pics!”
Amiright?
YES.
If that was the logic going through his head, this man clearly does not understand women. I can totally see that being his reasoning though.
“Fiancé also admitted to having a “friend” text him naked pictures, and it’s been more than once.”
I believe that’s called cheating, LW. While you’re “figuring shit out” at your mother’s, I would HIGHLY recommend part of that be reconsidering not only if you want to marry this person, but if you want to even continue a relationship with him.
Though, in hindsight, this totally explains why he blew up and accused you of purposefully snooping and invading his privacy. Guilt conscience, it would seem.
Yep.
Exactly what I was thinking. Now his reaction makes perfect sense.
YES. Very, very much yes.
That may be wrong and you are right to feel however you do (I would not like it either) about him having nude pics of anyone and you should tell him. You bringing this up now was not the point of the letter Wendy responded to and what you gloss over hear as a minor yeah I was wrong and said sorry it is a big deal that you did not behave like a trusting, communicative partner and it was very wrong. Maybe if you had discussed it with him then and told him how you felt about him having the photos he would have told you about the others or even gotten rid of the others knowing how you felt. Now he’s pissed bc yoi involved another person without talking to him first. The person who deserves loyalty first is your partner- end of story. You can say whatever you want to him-I’m uncomfortable with these photos being in our home and would like you to get rid of them, I want to let your ex-wife have them- whatever she wants. Communicate how you feel and what your needs are to your partner! You betrayed his trust by not going to him first about the situation. Whether he knew or not they were there, when he took them etc., is not relevant to loyalty and communication being tenets of a solid relationship.
Wow LW, wow!
Ok, I don’t think you were snooping in his belongings like some have mentioned. You saw photos of his family, a family you will soon be a part of, and you looked. And unfortunately you saw the nudie pics of his ex. I’m not even going to go into the debate of if he knew about them ect. Maybe he kept them and looked at them right after the divorce, before he met you, who knows and honestly it’s completely irrelevant. The issue here is why in the effing world would you bring them to the ex?!!!
You handled it as if you had found some creepy, illegal photos your fiancee took of his ex changing through the window and you “had to do the right thing” and tell her. These are pictures she clearly consented to when they were married.
And I disagree with what others have commented, I completely agree with your fiancee’s level of anger! There is much greater consequences to this situation, and they involve his children. You pointed out that they didn’t always have a good relationship. What if she uses this against him and retaliates using the children. What if she is so pissed that she drags him back to court to change the custody agreement. Of course he is livid!!! Anything that could effect the relationship between a father and his children is devestating.
You need to make this less about you and how you feel and realize the extent of what your bad judgement call has caused.
I’d be willing to bet the fiance absolutely knew he had those photos, and once the ex knew the context of them, she realized they were hand-picked and purposely kept. His reason for doing so is likely innocent enough, and he probably stashed them in the wedding album thinking that is the last place his new woman would look.
Now, should LW have gone directly to the ex with them? No, but this feels like legit poor judgement to me, and like someone above mentioned, it might have been done under some sort of ‘girl code’ type thinking, especially since LW seems to think she and the ex are close friends. She, being a woman, thought another woman would want to know that nude pics of her existed. Sounds like she called her first, not making any sort of big deal out of them, just a ‘hey thought you’d like to know…’ and the ex drew assumptions based on her knowledge of the photos and her ex husband.
Also, the fiance’s reaction seems over the top to me. Yea, be mad she didn’t come to you first, maybe a little peeved she went through your stuff, but it was a box labeled wedding photos- in the closet she told you she was going through. I don’t think either party really thinks she was snooping. This leads me to beleive that this incident reopened a can of worms between the exes that only they truly understand. Like, he told the ex wife the photos were long ago destroyed, and clearly they were not.
I don’t see how this is a deal-breaker, other than all parties involved need to chill the f**k out and learn to communicate like adults. And this could be a PERFECT learning experience.
When I told her the exact text was, “Ran across some old pics of you guys. Some are “bedroom” pics. Don’t think he knew about them, what do you want me to do with them?”
I honestly don’t understand why you would have thought that he didn’t know about them. Maybe that he might not remember them, but that he never knew about them? Then who took them? Who developed them/printed them out? This sounds harsh but i am just very confused by your assumption that he wouldn’t have known about them. And if you meant that he’d have forgotten, I also don’t really see how you reached that. Remembered where they were, as in, knowing for certain they were in that box? Maybe not. Remembered that they were taken and that he had them somewhere? Very very likely.
When reading your letter the first time, that line seemed a little disengenous in telling the Ex that, as it seems a strange leap to get there. But maybe there’s something that led you to think that?
I am not trying to be rude if this is coming off rude. It is just confused/curious.
I came to the conclusion he probably didn’t realize he had them, as they were at the end of the wedding album, and stuck to the plastic. Which lead me to believe it’d been quite a while since he’d gone through the album/box. Further, the box was in a closet that is served as the dumping grounds for years. (When we moved in, we dumped stuff in there that we didn’t want to throw away but didn’t immediately have a use for. Since then, it’s been like a storage closet.) The box in question was buried under a mountain of mismatched sheets.
I am sure that he knew he took them at some point, but what I meant was I don’t think he realized he STILL had them. Similar to thinking you’d thrown something away a long time ago, only to discover it later. Make sense?
Wow. With all these new revelations, I don’t think I’d still be focusing so much on your original situation. He has an entire collection of nudie pics from other exes which he refuses to discuss getting rid of, plus some inappropriate pics from a current female friend (I would MOA right there). I feel like YOU should be the one upset, not necessarily still analyzing or worrying about this initial situation. But it sounds to me like he’s probably more pissed that you gave these pics back, rather than bringing them to his attention in order to add them to his extensive ex-girlfriend porno collection. Sounds like a great guy.
I guess; it depends on how old your fiance is (28 v. 48) and how long they’ve been divorced (4 years v. 17 years). You know your fiance better than I, so if you thought he forgets things like that, then maybe it was fair, knowing him. I just couldn’t imagine my 30 year old exBF having forgotten something like that with his exgirlfriend, even if he wasn’t entirely sure where they were. But given his strange propensity for keeping naked pictures of exes as well as non-exes, perhaps it wasn’t so fair in hindsight.
Things were said in anger, but if your fiance stands by his “don’t touch my stuff” thing, I would seriously reconsider what you want out of this relationship. I can’t imagine going through life scared to open boxes in my closets if i don’t remember what was in them, for fear that I’m invading some meaningless privacy of my husband. Sure, he’s entitled to privacy and you should respect it and he gets a “no girls allowed” box if he wants one. or five. or a closet. But we don’t get privacy in ALL of our stuff when we have a partner. Doesn’t most of it become “our stuff” eventually? If he said something overly broad and pretty stupid as we all do when we’re mad (“You were late for dinner once and didn’t call?? I’m never going to cook for you ever again, and you’re not allowed my leftovers ever even if you’re starving!!”) then ok. But if that’s really his stance? What a shitty way to live. (and that’s not even getting into why his “friends” are sexting him.)
Now, this text makes it sound pretty casual– not like you were actually trying to start drama at all. From reading your updates, your fiancè is sounding prettyyyy shady & I think his ex probably knows just how shady he is. And it doesn’t seem to me, at this point, like he has only a few pics leftover from previous relationships– I’m picturing like, a shrine or something. If you’re friendly with the ex-wife, has she ever let on to you some of his less-upstanding behaviors?
I don’t think ‘chill out’ is the appropriate response. Both LW and her fiance have done things weird or creepy enough for their partner not to trust them. Plus, they can’t communicate well. This does not seem to be a marriage that should take place, at least without a lot of counseling, soul searching, and getting to know each other again.
I meant chill out in the sense that they are clearly all reacting in extremes and should take a step back and assess things like adults. LW described a messed up chain of events, yes, but silent treatment? That is extreme.
Especially after the rest of the information has come to light, I would agree with the counseling & soul searching, etc. And I did say they do not communicate well, clearly. I truly don’t think (given the context of the original letter) that this was a deal breaker event like some other commenters. In light of recent revelations, perhaps it is- especially considering their inability to communicate well.
They weren’t your photos LW. Would you throw out his Playboys without his permission? Is he allowed to toss out photos, raunchy romance novels, etc that he finds to be embarrasing/rude/disrespectful to him? I doubt it.
You didn’t ask HIM what he wanted done with HIS belongings, irregardless of whom the subject of the “art” was. Instead, you gave them to the subject of the “art”, who was probably VERY embarassed at your finding out that she ever allowed such “art” taken of her in the first place.
I myself have photos of my 2nd ex-husband “streaking” on NYE one year. I call ’em my “lessons learned photos”. Why? Because when our boys are dumb enough to do the same stuff (and they will, given enough alcohol near their 21st, as their dear ol’ dad) and he wants to complain – I will have photographic evidence of his own drunken stupidity to say “guess what – your dad can’t preach high and mighty, only from experience: he ended up with frostbite in a very bad spot”.
Whatever your fiances’ reasons for keeping those photos – it wasn’t up to you to do anything with them, especially without his knowledge or consent. It was meddling at best. You are in the wrong, and you don’t want to admit it.
i’m not sure that i read your comment correctly, but i really don’t think you should show those pics to your kids when they get older…i can’t imagine it having a positive effect on them…plus, that seems like a really shitty thing to do to your ex
yea, please don’t do that. ugh
This is such a horrific breach of trust! And that poor woman must have been so mortified!
1. They are his pictures. You had no right to remove them. You have no right to destroy them–they’re his! I would be very upset if I were him; it’s just not your place to decide what happens to them.
2. I just can’t even imagine how mortified that poor woman was. I just can’t even imagine how you could even PRETEND that what you did was an act of kindness. I mean, it’s not like you rescued the pictures from a porn site and handed her the only copies. They were never going anywhere, and no one ever had to see them. You did this purely to humiliate her and to punish your fiance for once having a sex life with his then-wife.
To the fiance: MOA!
Sorry but you are in the wrong the fiance should MOA. Even your later posts about more nude photos from another ‘friend’ seem more drama from you.
How is his receiving nude pics from a friend recently HER causing drama? Dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
um, what? a) you weren’t snooping and your fiance is overreacting out of guilt, i’m guessing. b) you found nudes that he took and kept — likely for a reason… c)you SHOWED HIS EX the photos and gave them to her, going over your fiance’s head. and the naive assumption that he didn’t know he had the photos? right. riiiiight.
CRAZY DRAMA. don’t marry this dude. dude, don’t marry this woman. you’re both…well… i don’t know the right word, but not-ready-for-marriage-to-each-other sounds about right.
LW, why in the world you thought that it was proper to ally yourself with your fiancé’s ex instead of your fiancé is beyond me. If I were him, I would also be furious with you. Why didn’t you just take the pictures to your fiancé instead of the ex wife? It was really meddlesome what you did, and if you are as innocent as you say you are, you better take this as a big lesson learned and eat a big ol’ hunk of humble pie.
What you did violated the trust in your relationship between yourself and your fiancé. When you found the photos, you needed to bring those to him, or pretend you never saw them at all. For you NOT to consider that his ex wife might have been mortified by your finding these pictures was not only shortsighted, but thoughtless. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?
Were you snooping? Only you know that… but you need to apologize all the way around and make the situation right. You need to explain to your future husband that you understand why he is so upset and that in the future, you will be sure to ALWAYS bring things to him first and NOT to his ex wife.
You basically gave her fodder for anger, and that is seriously UNCOOL.
….after reading all these posts…i would say MOA.
this relationship just sounds like a sucktastic dramafest.
Is it just me or is it really hard to have “my stuff” when you are married?
I completely disagree! She has the right to give the private pictures back to her friend. They belong to the ex-wife, it’s her body, she should have the right to protect it after relationships are severed.
She did not behave like a trusting, communicative partner and was wrong. The person who deserves loyalty first is your partner- end of story. She can say whatever she wants to him-I’m uncomfortable with these photos being in our home and would like you to get rid of them, I want to let your ex-wife have them- whatever she wants. Communicate how you feel and what your needs are to your partner! She betrayed his trust by not going to him first about the situation. Whether he knew or not they were there, when he took them etc., is not relevant to loyalty and communication being tenets of a solid relationship.