“I Make a Lot More Money Than My Boyfriend. Should I Break Up With Him?”
My boyfriend took the academic and free-spirit route, attending a prestigious private university for undergrad, teaching abroad for a few years, and then getting a Master’s degree from an Ivy League university. For the last two years, he has been working at the same small company in a low-level position, with no raises or promotions, while paying off student loans. I’ve made a few subtle comments encouraging him to explore other opportunities, but he seems to be happy where he is and has even implied that he thinks he makes a good salary.
I don’t expect my future husband to match me in salary, but it’s hard to imagine being with someone who can’t pull his weight financially in supporting a family. I don’t seek an extravagant lifestyle; I want a 3-4 bedroom house with a patio and rooftop, I would like to work part-time once I have kids (or maybe even take one to two years off work), and I want to send my kids to a religious private school.
All of the above are well within reach on my salary and/or savings alone – it’s not an issue of having enough money. But I’m concerned about the following, given such a large discrepancy between our finances:
1. How my significantly larger earnings could impact the dynamic of the relationship. I don’t want to emasculate my boyfriend, and I also don’t want to “wear the pants.” I know that marriages in which the woman is the breadwinner are statistically less likely to last.
2. I fear that in the future I will have to “do it all” – make the money, put dinner on the table, and be super-mom (my first priority), which could build resentment.
Because I feel confident in my boyfriend’s ability to land a higher-paying job and advance professionally (despite his apparent lack of urgency to do so), I remain optimistic. However, as his girlfriend, I do not feel enthusiastic about giving him career advice, and I certainly don’t want to make him feel bad. He is anything but lazy in his hobbies and personal interests, but that ambition doesn’t seem to cross over into his career. Breaking up with someone over money just feels wrong (and unfair without a discussion first) and it’s simply not what I want.
Is this a situation that can be rectified with the right approach, or do I need to choose between accepting life as the super-breadwinner or breaking up due to financial incompatibility? Is my concern valid, or is it shallow for me to think this way? Your perspective would be greatly appreciated. — Not Interested in Being a Super Breadwinner
And at this point in his life, your boyfriend might not have the motivation to advance professionally beyond simply the sake of doing so. He’s an unmarried, child-free man who is seems perfectly satisfied salary. He doesn’t have a spouse and a mortgage for a 4-bedroom house and private school tuition for a couple kids to worry about, BUT maybe if he did or if he thought those things were close on the horizon, he’d be more inclined to seek a higher-paying job.
To find out whether your boyfriend is a good long-term match for you, shift your focus from whether he has the ambition and desire to seek higher-paying jobs to learning whether he shares your goals and values. You know he shares a desire in finding a life partner – or, as you say, “the one,” and that he would like to have kids. But beyond that, what kind of life does he envision sharing with his partner and these kids? Does he also want to send them to a private religious school? (And to that end, how much does religion factor into your lives? Are you on the same page in that regard?) Does he want to stay in the town in which you both currently live? What does he imagine family life looking like? What kinds of family vacations does he envision? What kind of house (and where)? And, maybe most important, what are his thoughts about division of labor (all kinds of labor, including emotional labor)?
Obviously, the kinds of questions you need answered are ones to be asked not all at once in an overwhelming conversation six months into a relationship, but over the course of, hopefully, many more months. You’re still in the getting-to-know-each-other stage, and this is when these kinds of questions should start coming up more and more. It would be really premature to break up with your boyfriend at this point because you make so much more money than he does if you are sincere in seeking a good long-term match. There’s so much to being a good match beyond financial earnings.
You’ve managed to create a life for yourself in which you could theoretically be married to someone who makes less working full-time than you do part-time and afford the kind of lifestyle you want. But then the questions would remain: Is your partner going to contribute to the household in the way you want? Are you going to feel you are doing more at home because he is working outside the home more? Are you going to resent contributing more both financially AND in home management and childcare?
My tl;dr advice: If your concern about your boyfriend’s salary and career ambition is the only/main issue in your relationship, it would be premature to move on. Spend some time discussing long-term goals with your boyfriend and what kind of joint income would be necessary to finance said goals. Check your own sexism. Instead of questioning how emasculated your boyfriend would feel by having a wife who earns a lot more, think about how YOU would feel having a husband who earns so much less. Are you sure it’s your boyfriend’s resentment you’re really worried about? How has your own socialization affected your vision of what a family should look like – what a marriage should look like – and how might that vision affect your pursuit of happiness? As you learn more about your boyfriend, it might be time for you to unlearn some of your own conceptions.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I’ve said this before – but compatibility around ambition is a big one. If you don’t have similar goals and drive, that can drive a wedge. And it can be about roles/expectations too – there are women who want the husband to be the primary breadwinner and stay at home – meaning his ambitions need to be career directed or they have to agree on lifestyle. There are men that want the woman to stay at home – meaning her ambitions need to be home-directed, not career directed. And there are folks like the OP who see career success in terms of salary and power (not that those are bad things) but the boyfriend may see career success in terms of personal fulfillment, work life balance and other motivations.
Time for talking – deep, open talking about what each of you sees in your future as it relates to career, family, money management, and lifestyle.
A comment on the mismatch in earnings: when it’s the right partnership, you champion whatever each partner is bringing into the relationship. And just because one is earning more than another at one point in time, doesn’t mean that will be the case forever. Lots can happen. When you see the salaries you both bring in as contributing to “the family,” I think it gives a more equal perspective. Life isn’t 50/50, it’s giving your 100% (which can vary.. sometimes your 100% is only 30%). Wendy points this out as your values. It’s so true.
And it’s only 6 months in. You’re not going to get to this perspective overnight, but I think it’s something you should strive for as you hopefully deepen your relationship with this person
So true! Starting out, my partner was unemployed or underemployed for years. I made great money. It didn’t matter. Then he got a good job that led to a fabulous job. Then I got cancer and had to leave my job. He supports us both and it’s all good. We talk about finances, responsibilities, expectations, last will and testaments, and more. You never know what life has in store for you but talking openly and honestly with your partner makes it so much easier to navigate.
I was making more than my husband- significantly- when we married. But 4 kids, 25 years and some time abroad for his career when I put mine in a pocket, later I am super happy being retired with some seasonal work and gosh the spouse has had a wonderful career. And he’s an incredible dad and support of whatever I want. That’s really all that matters.
I would add to Wendy’s advice that it sounds like you’re doing a lot of outlining of what you want your future to be like, and the higher powers don’t really like when you do that. You’re 31. You have decades of career ahead of you, and things can change a lot, especially as you get into your 40s.
Software sales is not a super secure field. The people I know who do that have to hop around a lot. They do well, but they often have to scramble to find a new position because they’re not going to make their unrealistic number. Or they get let go. And just in general, a lot is going to change over the next 10-20 years. You could be very surprised.
I would advise you to be more open to what life has in store for you that might not look exactly like what you think. It’s fine to have goals, but when you come from a position of pride and really focus on what YOU think you want, it tends to not go so well. You get knocked down because you didn’t listen to what the actual plan is for you. And what you think you’re looking for in a guy… maybe isn’t it. Maybe what you really need isn’t what you think.
Anyway!
This is a really important point.
I think you’re getting WAYYYY ahead of yourself if you’re evaluating his likely future financial contributions based on his current job and net worth and finding fault with him. You don’t seem to know what he envisions for his future in regards to his career or home life. And a lot of people’s dreams are literally up in smoke right now. Planning for an unknown future is full of stress for many based on the current state of the world. I would not be discouraged or judgmental if he’s not ready to tell you his life plans yet. You’ve been dating for only six months. Take it easy.
Life has a really funny way of taking your very strict plans and totally fucking them up. You can make plans, but try to build in some flexibility. You don’t want to end up flattened by an unexpected lay off, firing, medical issue, etc. Life is crazy, chaotic and change happens whether you want it to or not. Being able to roll with the punches is important. Finding a good partner should not be solely based on their finances, IMO. I mean, it’s important but honesty, trustworthiness, compassion for others, etc can be just as crucial.
Also, you can end up with something a lot *better* than what you had in mind if you remain open. If you stay fixated on your picture of what life should look like, that can’t happen.
Not to mention, it’s all a moot point until she actually talks to her boyfriend about how he envisions his life playing out. Like, she’s automatically assuming she’s going to be making all of the money doing the emotional labor and all of the housework. She’s giving her boyfriend zero credit.
Really, LW? 25 MILLION people are unemployed right now through no fault of their own with zero prospects and yet — somehow — you feel that NOW is the time to write in and whine with worry about whether or not you and your otherwise perfect boyfriend can be happy with a combined annual income of 300K?
Seriously, LW? Seriously?
Fuck off.
WBGMS
Wealth comes and goes. Find the person that you enjoy so much for themselves that you would spend your life penniless with them.
I can see what this LW is getting at, but I think she’s making a lot of assumptions right now. She’s assuming she’ll make her current salary for the indefinite future. She’s assuming her bf has little ambition to do more in his career than what he’s doing now.
It’s entirely possible that he is burned out from the academic route that he took. Maybe he wants to live a balanced life with both a job that he doesn’t have to bring home with him and has time for hobbies and other enriching activities. In a couple of years, maybe he’ll buckle down and push for more in his career. Who knows? LW is looking at him through the lens of where he is NOW and assuming that it will always be this way.
As Wendy says, only time and discussions of his goals and your goals will tell how this will go.
one thing to consider is- it sounds like you are thinking of having kids. It’s pretty hard for two high fliers prioritising earnings to have lots of time left over for family- how would you feel about him maybe taking over a lot of the childcare etc – it doesn’t mean you won’t be a supermom, just that someone else is picking up more of the slack in that department, which might fit more with his way of being. It sounds like you both have lots of opportunities to decide how you want to play this, as he earns pretty okay money and you earn rather a lot. You don’t have to be exactly the same in every way to contribute equally.
Wow, the materialism of this LW! Appalling! Do you really assess your boyfriend potential on the basis of his income? His wallet? He is educated, hard-working, happy with his life. What do you want more? A roof top? Ok. Then break up with him and see what is on the market! I can’t follow you, it does sound so shallow.
If you have wealth, then why is it such a problem? Use it for your couple. Take a year or two off if you have kids, buy your dream house. Don’t harass your boyfriend to make more money. I my opinion, he will tend naturally to evolve towards a more substantial income once it makes sense for him, that is once he does have a family. So far, he doesn’t and lives according to his more immaterial values. Good for him.
Frankly, if I read your post as your boyfriend, I would just run away.
I understand you are questioning finances early on and I did it too. I make 3x what my husband makes, and I married him anyways. Actually when we met I made 4x what he made….now he makes a little more. Money is nice but a quality person you are compatible with as a companion and life partner is so much more important. My husband makes me laugh everyday. He is a chef by trade and makes me the best food I could ever eat all the time. He loves me unconditionally. He puts up with me and I’m a very difficult person. I don’t think there’s a better match for me. So what if his salary is much less? He is stable on his own, able to support himself, and wants to do more financially but that’s a slow process in his field. That’s enough for me because the happiness I have with him is priceless. Enjoy the relationship you have and if it brings you the happiness you desire then start thinking of the future. Sometimes the things you want when you are single (monetary driven) aren’t really important when you meet the right person. I wish you the best and I really hope you are able to find what you are looking for. Keep an open mind! It makes all the difference!
When I met my husband, he was a struggling graduate student making very little. By the time we got married he had just finished his degree and gotten a job at 5X his original tiny salary, which sounded like a lot to me at the time but was also moving from small town student life to big city professional life, and honestly didn’t take long to feel not as impressive. I actually do remember pushing him to make more money at some point, not because we needed it, but out of competitive tendencies and comparing salaries with friends in our field. Over the years, he has reached to nearly 50X his original salary of when I met him 13 years ago. I learned that things can change a lot over time, including your perspective on the value of a dollar. I’ve also observed that our happiness as a couple and as individuals has definitely not correlated completely positively with income increases.
After some of his more recent salary gains, I got pretty disappointed as a feminist that I would probably never “catch up” to his salary level. I’m younger and have made more money for my age than he has every year, so that was how I “justified” the difference in present day salaries in my head. Given how well he’s done, I’d have to be very lucky to match his salary going forward, even though we are in the same industry and I arguably have better academic credentials. At first I was weirdly deeply depressed that he got so many raises, because it made me feel like we’d never have the balance of equal partnership that I’d always wanted. Then, I volunteered more, traveled more to developing countries, and realized my privelege more and how nice it is to not only have love but also money. That context of thinking about others puts things in perspective for me. Maybe it would help for you too, even on the other side of this equation. You really are extremely fortunate in the grand scheme of things.
Dear LW:
Why not divvy up the finances by percentage? For example, you can each put one third of your net salary into your joint account, and use it to pay your bills.
When the kids come along, if you take a year or two off from work while he’s working 9 – 5, you can play with the kids during the day, and once he arrives home, he can keep them occupied with fun and games til their bedtime. Or if you prefer, you can hire a nanny using the funds in your joint account.
Breaking up over an incompatibility in anything that matters to you is valid but could still be a mistake. You may not ever find another person as great as your boyfriend, but everyone has their own priorities. With that said, what bothers me about your letter is the judgemental tone toward your boyfriend. Not everyone wants a high stress job, or even a lot of responsibility, some people just want to go to work somewhere where they feel comfortable and get their excitement in their personal life. I don’t know anything about your field, but usually very high paying jobs involve a lot of stress, long hours, and lack of job security. Not everyone thinks the money is worth all of that. You have every right to want a partner who makes more money than your boyfriend does, but don’t knock his values as if they aren’t as good as yours, he sounds like he is enjoying his life.
I’m going to echo what Mark said above. If there was ever a time to value a loving and good person you can trust and rethink the importance of living a particular kind of one percent lifestyle, you’d think this would be it.
Maybe it’s just piling on, but while there’s nothing wrong with being ambitious, calling a 3-4 bedroom urban house with patio and rooftop modest is just not accurate. And the little digs at the boyfriend… I wonder about the LW’s background. I suspect she grew up in an affluent suburb and has a picture in her head of what her perfect future looks like, and it includes a large diamond ring she can show all of her friends, a luxury car, and being supported by her spouse. I’m guessing, of course. And if she wants it, nothing wrong with knowing it. But the superior attitude is coming through and she may not realize it.
I thought Wendy said it all really well.
It’s possible–reading between the lines here–that the BF loves his work and that’s more important to him than money. I myself would want to find a partner with *passion* for what they do because that will make them less likely to burn out or get depressed, and more likely to find satisfaction in their lives. I have lots of ambition, but to do good rather than to make money. I’d be horrified to learn that my partner wanted me to put that aside to be able to afford a specific kind of house. This is an important incompatibility to discuss.
I make multiples of what my partner does. I handle the finances and investments. He is content working from home. We have children and he is able to do school drop off and pick up, or take them to classes or events on weekends when I’m unable to.
I used to divide the expenditure percentage wise by our income but over the years we are just a family unit looking to pay off our student loans, car loans and mortgage together.
If you think you can do better, don’t settle. You’ll be resentful. We shouldn’t wait for someone to reach their potential but meet them where they are at. Sure you can talk to them about where you want them to be first, and see if they share the same vision.
It’s not about money, you obviously see life totally differently despite the 6 month infatuation. Save both some time girl if you are not ok with an apartment and both working to make a living, go for what you want, it is totally fine. And it is also totally fine for him to not have the professional ambition you expect and feel fullfilled with a life of less and be happy with that-those people exist.
This reeks of judgment of your bf and how he chooses to view work and life and the balance between. It sounds like he has a very different way of thinking about work and money than you do. And that likely makes you very incompatible, considering financial issues are the number one problem leading to divorce. If you can’t respect that he chooses to have different priorities than you, then you need to leave the poor man alone to find someone who does respect him and is more compatible with his priorities in life. Seems to me like there is a fundamental disagreement in your value systems.