Am I wrong? Is it a sign she hasn’t let go of her past even after she claims she has? I am tired of seeing his face everywhere and seeing so many detailed reminders of their many special moments when I want to know that she has special memories of the two of us and events we have been, and will be, sharing. What should I do? — No Need for Detailed Reminders
If you moved in with your girlfriend months ago and she still has her ex-husband’s crap out, including wedding rings and photos and his clothes, and she hasn’t boxed that shit up even after you’ve expressed how much it hurts you to see it all the time, then, yeah, I’d say there’s a pretty big problem. Whether this is a sign that she can’t let go of her past — which it may very well be — or not, what is perfectly clear is that this is a sign that she doesn’t respect or care about your feelings as much as she should. There’s simply no excuse for ignoring your expressed discomfort and leaving old wedding rings out in the open. No excuse.
What’s even more troubling is that you don’t seem to have confirmation that she has special memories of your relationship with her. Are there any mementos of past events you’ve shared? Does she have photos of you two up on the wall or tacked to the fridge? Do you communicate with each other about special memories you share? As you know, since you’ve been married before, relationships wane and change over the course of months and years. It can’t ALL be special memories. A lot of a relationship — especially a domestic one — involves the tedious activities and chores and obligations of day-to-day life. And while there can be special moments within that tedium, they aren’t typically the sort of memories that sustain a couple when life — or their relationship — gets rough. A couple needs to re-visit special memories — through photos hung on the wall and shared stories and conversations — as a way of reminding each other of their bond and of the foundation their relationship is built upon so there’s confidence and security to carry them through less special and challenging periods.
If you lack such confidence with your girlfriend, then seeing reminders of the foundation she built with someone else must be doubly difficult. It must make you question her commitment to you. It’s time to have some serious conversations with her about the state of your relationship. You need to communicate just how hurtful it is to you seeing these mementos of her past relationship in a home you now share. And you need to tell her that you question whether she has similar special memories of your own relationship and why there aren’t mementos of those moments on display in your home. If you can’t get confidence in your girlfriend’s commitment to and feelings for you, it would seem this relationship lacks the kind of foundation you can build a future upon and perhaps it would be in your best interest to MOA.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].