“I RSVPd Too Late. Can I Still Go?”
If you have any interest in remaining friends with the bride in question, I definitely would not crash her wedding. I get that you “would not be going to the actual wedding,” but your presence at the resort or near where all the guests are staying would be equivalent to crashing the festivities. Not only that, but if your desire to go is to hang out with her guests, wouldn’t you be taking them away from spending time from her — you know, their reason for being there?
Look, you were already rude to not RSVP in a timely manner after being invited “far in advance.” Don’t be doubly rude by showing up where you are no longer welcome. Think how awkward it will be for the bride to know a once-invited guest — a “close friend,” no less — is actually at the destination where her wedding is but won’t be attending because she told her it was too late. How is she supposed to explain that to the other guests — your mutual friends? Your rudeness would put her in a position of feeling/looking rude. Don’t put her through that. This is her special occasion. If you really wanted to be there — either to celebrate her marriage or to enjoy a vacation with your friends — you should have RSVPd in a timely manner. You didn’t. Go somewhere else. Oh, and don’t forget to send a thoughtful gift to the bride a groom!
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Well said, Wendy! I agree 1000%!
I have to say I’m absolutely struck by the amount you say “I” in this letter: “I feel,” “I want.” You didn’t RSVP promptly because you weren’t sure if you wanted to go, but now because you need a vacation you are looking to take advantage of her wedding festivities (not necessarily the event itself, but your conveniently-assembled friends) to entertain you? It’s your friend’s wedding, supposedly about celebrating her love with her new husband. It’s not about you.
@Meg – I wish I could have ‘thumbed up’ more than once!
So true. LW, its hard to not judge you as extremely self-centered based on your letter….please, select another vacation spot.
Be classy, send a gift.
Here’s the irony though. I absolutely, 100% agree with your comment. It really is a shame though because they (the bride and MellaJade) are a perfectly entitled pair and would probably have a grand time otherwise. Destination weddings are the height of hubris. Expecting people to give up their hard-earned vacation time and PAY for the honor of attending your wedding. And that doesn’t even include the gift they would be expected to bestow. If that isn’t the height of hubris, then I don’t know what is.
That’s exactly the impression I got.
“…we can use a vacation right about now.”
I got the impression that LW only decided this because it’s a destination wedding and an opportunity for a vacay. If her friend were having it in the church down the street, would she care then?
She probably would have known right away if she could go. Destination weddings are hard to plan for some people to get away. I still say let em come and join the after party. But also- your advice is don’t go but also send a gift? Nope.
AMEN!
Wow, 145 thumbs up so far for Meg! Is that a record?
I’m trying to figure out who thumbed down her completely relevant discussion.
I’m thinking it was someone on an iPhone or other small touchscreen who misclicked. I’ve done that a bunch myself, sadly.
It’s funny- I posted really quickly yesterday morning because I was in a rush, and worried that I might have come across as too harsh since I didn’t have time to be more diplomatic. Apparently not!
Maybe you should put the shoe on the other foot for a minute. If you look back to your wedding, and this same set of friends just showed up unnanounced even though you’d blatantly told them “I’m sorry, it’s too late,” what exactly would you have done?
I’m going to guess if those friends showed up at your wedding because “we thought it would be fun to hang out with all the other people” you probably would have been pretty offended. In fact, you might have even thought that they showed up AFTER you told them no in order to take part of your special day away from you. As a way to “get back at you” for not allowing them to attend last-minute.
Maybe you just aren’t well-versed in wedding etiquette. I hope that’s the case. But right now, you sound VERY selfish. A wedding is one time when everything really is JUST about two people. The world, for that day, should revolve around them. Showing up at their wedding, uninvited, makes it seem like you are very purposefully scheming to take the focus off of them and put it on YOU. Not only will that probably break the bond of friendship with the bride and groom, but it could very well offend and turn off all of the other friends you’re so eager to “hang out with.”
Hang out with your friends when they get home, or plan a vacation with a big group this summer, ANYTHING but show up at that wedding.
While I agree wholeheartedly with your comment I can’t help but remember a post awhile back where someone asked about inviting SO and all of a sudden every DW reader thought a wedding was not about the two people getting married lol. Not saying you said that, because I honestly don’t remember and don’t care to look it up. Just find it funny how opinions change drastically.
Wedding etiquette is tricky and runs both ways! The guests have to be considerate, as does the host. The previous post was about the whole ‘plus one’ debacle, BTW. But lets not get started on that one again!
I agree with you completely lol. and, no i don’t want to start that debate again. I just found it funny.
haha touche!
I actually thought about that too! I think it’s just a matter of balance…Yes, it’s the bride and groom’s big day, so that means most people should be concentrated on them. Does that give them a free pass to be rude or demanding? No. I think if the bride, groom, and guests all focus on not being selfish, everyone wins!
But shouldn’t this really be the formula for life, not just weddings? In all friendships, relationships… think about other people, follow that golden rule, and everyone will be better off.
You missed the boat on this one. The proper thing to do would have been to respond on time; you opted to not respond at all. Now b/c all your friends are going & you need a vacation you completely forget that you hurt the brides feelings. Stop thinking of yourself this is someone’s wedding, their special day..it’s not about you!
I think you need to start looking for somewhere new to vacation. And while you’re there pick up a nice gift for the bride and groom. And next time you receive a wedding invitation pay attention to the rsvp date. They don’t put that there for fun, usually that’s the last possible date they can get a final head count to caterers, reception venues and other vendors. Also imagine being a bride two weeks away from having to pack up and get married somewhere else, I’m sure she’s under a lot of stress and the last thing she needs is guests just now deciding it would be a great way to get a vacation and they will come after all.
Noooooo! Don’t even think about trying to go to the same place! It’s just not appropriate. There are tons of other places you can go if you just want a vacation. She already told you its too late to come. If you show up now its just going to look like you’re stickin’ it to her for telling you not to come. She won’t like that, especially since she’s already stressed out from planning the thing.
I agree with Wendy as well.
My family is planning a wedding and the took the (what I feel strange) method of counting their regret RSVP’s, and then inviting more guests… then counting those regrets, and inviting more guests.
Well even though that’s a backwards way of doing it, now they are running into this problem, people who RSVP’d “no” but who later made arrangements to go, therefore there are too many guests, or at least more than they’d (poorly) planned for. It adds stress to the entire family to try to squeeze people (and more money) in at the last minute.
Anyways, I would absolutely go somewhere else and maybe invite the bride to do something with just the two of you at a later time.
That’s actually become very common for budget weddings. Often people can only afford x number of people, but would really love to have more people in their lives be there on their special day. I probably wouldn’t do it, but it’s definitely not “backwards”. While there are some kinds of etiquette that should be adhered to- like NOT crashing your friend’s wedding or NOT RSVPing -the whole idea that things have to be a certain way for weddings really bugs me. It should be a celebration of the couple. Weddings are so ridiculously commercialized and expensive these days. That’s just my beef with the wedding industry tho! 🙂
Agreed! In fact, when I was planning my wedding, there were several sites that recommended it; however, they also recommended that you leave yourself some space for people that change their minds. In fact, I would argue that the problem lies with the people that RSVP’d no and then changed their minds.
Ugh huge pet peeve of mine, for any occasion. If you RSVP no, you may not come. Thats it. Otherwise, whats the purpose of an RSVP. Might as well just send out invitation and ask for no feedback then roll the dice to decide how many people are coming.
For this particular wedding, money is not an issue. They are kind of rating their friends/family members on tiers. I know that if I were a third tier guest, I would feel like shit showing up knowing that I was a last resort.
It is a problem to RSVP “no” and then want to change it, I agree. Most of the family members are coming from out of state, and since there were so many tiers of invitations to go through before the actual wedding date, the RSVP date for the first two tiers was VERY early. A lot of the family members had to save up and rearrange schedules after the RSVP date.
Personally I feel like the whole system was poorly executed, and I definitely hope it worked out better in your cases then it is in theirs.
Yes, I would be kind of offended that I was in the third round of invitations to a friend’s wedding!
The wedding couple may have restrictions on the affair such as paid in advance for limited space. Not only would your going be a faux pas but awkward for you standing around while the other guests are dinning. Wendy’s advise is wise as usual. Send them a nice gift and sincere note on a card. Accept it as a lesson in life and work on keeping the friendship.
The fact is that you opted not to RSVP in the first place. I think if you had contacted her ahead of time to explain that you want to go but hesitate to commit because you are not sure about getting time off, then your friend might have been a little bit more receptive of your last minute being able to go. By not RSVPing you were being rude about her plans and making this about you and not her. She is planning a wedding and to not hear from you probably made her feel bad and question your friendship. I’m just assuming here but that’s how I would have felt. When I got married, I didn’t care if my friends could not come but it was nice to receive the RSVP which acknowledged my wedding. You didn’t RSVP and didn’t acknowledge her day. I agree with Wendy. Don’t go but send a nice gift and perhaps a note.
Fantastic response Wendy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No no no you should not go! You’re no longer invited.
I’m planning a somewhat destination wedding at the moment, so I can really relate to how the bride would feel if you showed up… And let me tell you, I’d be BEYOND pissed. She gave you waaaaay advance notice and you didn’t have the decency to RSVP, then at the last minute you decide you want to go? RUDE. Then you think you’ll go, but just not go to the wedding and hang out with HER guests? EXTRA RUDE.
Stay away and be really nice to her when she gets back from her Honeymoon. You’re in the dog house on this one.
Who in the world can drop everything and go on vacation in two weeks? The reason she wanted you to RSVP is so you could plan on it, get the time off from work, etc…
“You weren’t sure if you were going to go”?
Did you have other plans that you wanted to check with first? Yikes. Close friends respond to RSVP dates. Don’t go.
I was going to write this as a comment, but I’m glad you brought it up! I’m having an issue with the fact that she didn’t automatically say yes once she was invited. Why weren’t you sure you wanted to go? There’s definitely a big difference between I wasn’t sure I’d be able to go (i.e work or other outside activities) and wanted to go (as in maybe you aren’t that close with this friend or her hubby to be).
And I don’t know if I’m reaching, but if I were the bride and this was one of my closest friends, I probably would have said yes that she could come. But she said no. Do you think she might be a tad upset at you? I think you need to examine that a bit more before you go anywhere…
And if she wasn’t sure because of one of those “not able to go” scenarios, if this was a close friend I would think a good response would be (upon receiving the invitation) “oh friend X, I would love to go to your wedding and I will be trying to, but there may be conflicts.” I had a few people do that with me for my wedding where they really just weren’t sure it would work with work, etc so I put them down as a tentative “yes” and gave them the final date that I needed to know for sure.
Exactly. And there’s a huge difference between “that’s our busy time at work and they don’t allow a lot of time off so I will have to let you know a little closer” and “Oh, well, since everyone’s going and I wanted to see them anyway, then I guess we’d love to go to Bermuda!”
This idea is adjective-defyingly bad. Go someplace else, and preferably at a tastefully later time as not to vibe, “I couldn’t make it to your wedding, but I sure could make it to Turks & Caicos with my husband six days later!”
Haha, perfectly put! The RUDENESS of such an insinuation!!!
If you weren’t sure you’d be able to afford it at the time and you told her that ahead of time .. that’s one thing.
But this just seems rude. You didn’t respond to her RSVP and now just plan to go TWO WEEKS before the wedding? Get real. and get your own vacation.
I get that planning weddings is a stressful thing in itself, but if they really are close friends, the bride should’ve understood that destination weddings are pricey & intrusive (taking time off of work, etc…) & maybe at the time, the LW didn’t think she could afford it?
I guess its just me, but if my close friend ended up deciding she wanted to go two weeks before, I would def accomadate to her.
However I guess it can depend on how the LW approached things in the first place. There’s not any info in the letter stating whether she informed the bride in advance, if she did it apologetically or just flat out? Maybe the bride was already pist off with her to begin with.
I def. think the LW should NOT go to the wedding, but I think the bride is being a little rash.
I think someone mentioned above, it may not be that the bride is simply not accomodating her – it may be that she CAN’T.
I can tell you that 2 weeks before my wedding, the numbers were DONE. We had already paid for the bar tab for X number of guests. We’d already ordered X number of chairs. We already paid for X number of meals, pieces of cake, and dinnerware.
It’s only adding stress to have her try to contact all of these vendors to even ask if she can add 2 more. And why should she do that when there was a clear RSVP date and she probably has about a million other things to do? We’re not talking a few days late here. It’s 2 weeks out. At a destination wedding. At what’s likely a busy resort.
2 weeks before my wedding, I might have inflicted physical violence on anyone who had the nerve to ask me to go out of my way to accomodate them. And if she’s such good friends with the bride, she should be sensitive to the fact that the last thing that bride needs is MORE to do because the LW couldn’t be bothered to make arrangements or save up any sooner. At least if the bride had a heads up that she *might* be attending, she could have planned accordingly. But out of the blue 2 weeks before? Sorry, charlie.
And Wendy’s right. Bride looks like an asshole if her friend shows up just to hang out & vacation, and bride doesn’t invite her to the festivities. I wouldn’t want to be put in that position, and I think the LW is simply not thinking about others. Maybe she could ask the bride if there are any last minute plans that she needs taken care of, and MAYBE if some of those are taken off her plate, the bride MIGHT be able to make arrangements for the LW. But that would be especially gracious of that bride, and the LW should certainly not expect anything in return for doing so.
I see your point…& yes maybe the bride absolutely can’t…but as a “close friend” she should’ve talked it out with her friend. That’s why we’re trying to determine how close they really are. Like I said, destination weddings are expensive…I’m going to one this year only because I’m a bridesmaid & I’ve known the bride since I was 5 yrs old…
I don’t know much about planning a wedding since I have yet to get married, but I do know about friendships, & if a close friend of mine called me two weeks before & willing to take off work, travel & pay to be at MY wedding I’d tell her I probably can’t accommodate to her like everyone else, but I’d sneak in an extra chair somewhere.
Like someone mentioned, the LW probably came to her sense last minute & felt guilty & as a friend decided to attend anyway. A response “it’s too late” from the bride is harsh (considering what kind of friends they are).
I mentioned this above, except not necessarily that the bride is being harsh, but that it says a lot about their friendship if the bride isn’t willing to accommodate her. If they were really close, the bride would have said ok, I’m sure of it. But since they are just friends, the LW can’t really do much. And neither would I if I were in that situation.
I think if you really read the letter you can see exactly what kind of friendship they have – one that only means something if it is benefiting the selfish LW. She never said that she couldn’t attend b/c of work, money or anything else. She wasn’t sure if she WOULD go, not if she COULD go meaning that for her the wedding was about fun and entertainment rather than being there for a friend. Then instead of picking up a phone with a valid excuse for the change of heart and requesting accommodation from the bride, she emails TELLING the bride she will be there, not asking. If I was the bride I would not only not want to spend the extra time and money accommodating her, I would seriously reconsider the friendship altogether. She changed her mind b/c she knows more fun details about the trip including the fact that all of her other friends will be there. She did not scrape her pennies to make it to her friends big day to support her – she just saw a better opportunity and jumped on it. Now after being turned down she shows that she is an even worse friend by asking strangers for permission to crash the wedding festivities and steal the couples guests and spotlight because once again its convenient for her.
Alright I see my post was pretty unpopular…Which is fine, its my opinion…Like I stated, I have zero experience in planning a wedding, all I know is that if my friend asked me two weeks before my wedding if she could make it, I’d say yes & if it was absolutely impossible, I’d explain it to her…
I guess I wanted to give the LW the benefit of the doubt saying that maybe she couldn’t financially at the time RSVP, but who knows? You’re right, it didn’t say anywhere in the letter specifically how that happened…
So my opinion is that they both aren’t very good friends (with each other) they probably won’t speak much after this.
yeah you definitely don’t any reason to apologize for your opinion. I think everyone commenting on this situation falls on either the brides side or the LWs side based on their experiences. I have a huge family and have been to about a dozen weddings and been in 3 weddings and i’m only 21. I’ve seen the effort weddings that are close to home take so the thought of a late addition to a destination wedding just floors me but I can see how for you the thought of leaving out a friend is much worse.
Thank you. I’m glad you could see my point even if you disagree, as I see yours. I haven’t been to that many weddings…
Yup, I’m with you, GingerLaine. If you ask the bride to add extra guests two weeks before the wedding, you are directly causing her a lot of stress (when she’s already stressed out as it is). Should the bride really have to deal with all that when her supposed “close friend” couldn’t be bothered to RSVP in the first place?
I’m with you as well. I am also in the midst of planning a *short* destination wedding (most of the guests will have a long drive as opposed to a flight), but our venue only allows X number of people. If we have even 1 extra guest show up, we literally can’t accommodate. In order to accommodate, we would need to move the entire dinner from inside to outside, and rent a tent, as well as the extra tables, chairs, linens, etc. Two week before a wedding that is a budget buster, and probably not even possible logistically. As we are paying for the wedding ourselves, we can’t afford the extra costs. The only thing I wonder, though, usually the bride/groom make an attempt to contact all people on the list who have not RSVP’d. That is normally customary, so I am not sure if that was done here? But I definitely sympathize with the bride on this one…sometimes it just isn’t possible, no matter how close you are to somebody.
To squeeze 2 extra people in if its a good friend you really want on your day, I promise its not that hard. First of all there will be someone who can’t make it. Yes, even at a destination wedding. Someone will get sick or have an emergency come up where they can’t travel, or someone will miss their flight or get delayed… no matter what you do, every wedding has a few empty seats. So if its really your good friend you say, I am glad you can come now, I can squeeze you in. We may have a tight fit at a table but we’ll make it work. I bet someone won’t be able to make it and we’ll have empty seats but if not, I’ll find you a chair and make sure you’re able to join us.
If its your bitchy frenemy who just wants a vacation with friends at the same resort as your wedding, maybe you don’t go to those lengths.
I’m more on the bride’s side with this one. It would be one thing if she had tentatively RSVP’d, or in anyway informed her of what was going on, but she simply didn’t respond at all until two weeks before the wedding. Plus, it can be difficult to start adding guests once the full amount has been paid (which it usually is two-four weeks prior to the event).
Not only that but the LW just sent an email saying surprise I’m coming!!! When she could have called and said something like:
I just found out that I do in fact have vacation time and the funds to be there for your big day. If you can manage to accommodate myself and my husband without too much trouble I would love to be there to celebrate with all of you.
Maybe then she wouldn’t have gotten the short, negative response from the bride (which I can’t blame her for at all). Sending a late email and not RSVP-ing shows a lack of effort, why would she expect the bride to do any different for her???
You’re absolutely right…
Well, you know, I wonder if the bride actually JUST replied, “It’s too late.” I think sometimes we read way too into the letters sometimes. I read it as just the LW summarizing the response.
If I were that bride replying just “It’s too late” would be the politest thing I could do. I bet the only reason the bride didn’t send at least five paragraph email spewing obscenities at her “friend” is because it’s two weeks before her wedding and she’s ridiculously busy and just doesn’t have the time to properly tell her off.
This was my other question….the friend seems self-centered (I want a vacation….I changed my mind….I want to see my other friends….) and so if the bride wrote back, “I’m so sorry, Charlene, but we can’t fit anyone else in. Everything is set. I wish you had let me know sooner!” then the LW might have changed it to this wording to try to get opinion on her side.
Yeah I’m with GingerLaine – the bride probably literally can’t change anything. And from what the LW said, it’s not that she changed her mind, it’s that she never even responded in the first place. I take that to mean she didn’t send an RSVP at all. I am currently planning my own wedding, and I can tell you right now that if a friend told me after receiving the invite they weren’t sure if they could respond yet and could they get back to me a little after the RSVP deadline, I *might* potentially try and accommodate them (depending on a million variables like how long they need, what their reason is for needing an extension, how much extra headache it would be for us while we’re in the final planning stages, etc). But if they just flat-out ignored the invite, gave no indication they were considering attending, and then responded well past the deadline? That’s incredibly inconsiderate and I would say no. And again, she may not have a choice in the matter, her caterers/vendors/venue might be strict about deadlines.
It doesn’t matter that destination weddings are expensive and demand more time and effort from their guests. Yes, planning a destination wedding is asking for a much bigger commitment from the part of your guests and you can probably expect a very small number of people to accept the invitation. But the thing is, brides and grooms who plan destination weddings (should) know all this and know exactly what it means. They know some people might not be able to afford the trip or take the time off, and they have already accepted the consequences of that by deciding to have the destination wedding anyway. In other words, they’re having the wedding they want to have, which is perfectly acceptable, and they don’t have to concern themselves with what their guests can handle. Every guest has the option to say “no.” And as a guest, if you don’t think you can afford it, don’t go – it’s as simple as that. But you have to actually MAKE the choice; it’s no excuse to ignore the invitation. And if you suddenly come into some unexpected money or time off in the weeks before the wedding, if your request still can’t be accommodated, you have to accept that.
And you definitely don’t crash the wedding. And yes, attending the same resort counts as crashing the wedding. There are millions of resorts all over the world. Pick somewhere else.
I think it dawned on you that you were going to miss out on a lot of fun and so you decided to go ahead and go. It’s too bad you didn’t realize this sooner but too late is too late. When all your friends come back talking about the great time they had be warm and friendly and listen to all they say and don’t be negative about not going.
I think from a couple wedding related letters on this site what I have learned is that people don’t have any concept of what “close friend” actually means.
I took off of work for my close friend’s wedding which is on a Friday in July… I put in my request in January when I received the save the date card, because 7 months out there was no way for my boss to say no. Thats what you do for close friends. You do not ask them to leave their husband at home to attend your wedding solo because your venue is too small. You do not ask them if you can come to their wedding after the RSVP date 2 weeks before the big event and then decide to crash when she says no. Also close friends don’t tell you you can’t come to their wedding when you are miraculously able to, on short notice.
Be honest with yourself about your friendships. Are you being a good friend? Are you getting good friendship in return?
Agree with you 100%.
The term “close friend” seems to be used very loosely around here…
Unless they mean “friend who lives close by.” Maybe that’s it. In my mind I’ll be replacing “close friend” with “neighbor” from now on, and I think the questions will make alot more sense.
“I didn’t respond to my neighbor’s wedding invite by the RSVP, but now I can attend. She said its too late, so can I crash?” Yes. Much better. Although the answer is still “Hell no!”
Haha totally agree with you 🙂 I think a lot of people want to think that most of their friends are “close” friends. To be honest, sure I have friends but there is one who is my best friend and maybe two more that I actually consider close friends. The rest are friends.
I agree with everything except the last statement. I can’t say the bride is being a bad friend by denying the LWs last minute decision to attend.
This isn’t your average church ceremony wedding. When you plan a destination wedding you are coordinating flights, hotels, activities and dinners on top of the regular wedding + reception stuff. All of these things require numbers. If this bride accommodates the LW she might have to accommodate other last minute additions as well, which could burst her budget and ruin certain plans that can’t be changed on top of giving her one more gigantic headache. Also the person who jeopardized the “close friendship” to begin with was the LW by not laying out a valid excuse for her non RSVP (I would assume if she did, Wendy would have included it in the letter). If you were the bride and got no RSVP and then a last minute email expecting accommodation (not asking), wouldn’t you think twice about whether you really needed someone that inconsiderate at your wedding?
Yeah I’m not sure this LW deserved better treatment from this bride, however I was putting myself in a situation where one of my CLOSE friends couldn’t make it to my wedding and then later told me that, due to a change in circumstances, she could.
I would do anything I could to have a close friend at my wedding, and if not explain to her as gently as possible all the many reasons why it would just simply not work although I wish like hell that it would. In fact, if she expressed a willingness to come to the wedding location anyways, I would probably tell her I’d gladly have here there and although we had no room in the reception hall, if she wanted to come to the ceremony, she could.
But thats for a close friend who I’m assuming for the sake of the hypothetical situation, earlier expressed her deepest regrets that due to whatever circumstance she couldn’t make it to my wedding although she would love to be there and who was generally a supportive friend through my relationship, engagement, wedding planning, etc. The LW didn’t give any indication she did so, so I don’t think she deserved to be invited. But close friends on both sides I think would treat each other differently.
WORD. I think one of my favorite Wendy-isms applies here– “you have to be a friend to have a friend.” Be courteous and respectful to your friends, and they’ll do the same for you.
To play devils advocate, I’m going to offer a different perspective.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Wendy’s advice and I’m not saying she’s wrong, but I find her response in this case a little harsh.
First of all, I understand that the LW should have RSVP’d in a timely fashion. However, sometimes it’s difficult to plan too far in advance for vacations. It’s hard to predict whether or not you can get away due to life circumstances, like work, for example! I know that I’m not one to plan really far ahead for trips and tend to book them more last minute. So this can be a problem when RSVP’ing to a destination wedding that’s planned really far in advance.
Also, even though it’s last minute, LW seems to genuinely want to spend time with her friends who are getting married and the other guests who are her friends as well. She didn’t say she would hang out with them during the wedding, but what’s wrong with wanting to spend time with her friends on the days before and after the wedding? The bride and groom don’t OWN the resort or their friends for that matter. LW has recognized that it’s probably too late to join the wedding; all she wants to do is spend time with her friends! Some of the responders make it sound like she’s trying to ruin the bride’s special day, which is probably not the case at all.
Yes, she can certainly plan a trip any place in the world, and I don’t know that I’d personally go to the same resort as the wedding, If I were her. But I think if she wants to go to the resort where the wedding is taking place so she can spend time with her friends in a respectful manner, I think she should be free to do so.
That’s what I said! & I already got two thumbs down! I’m sorry but how good of friends can they be if the bride can’t understand those things…
My question is if the LW just didn’t respond at all or say anything, or if she spoke to the bride & told her she didn’t think she could make it. I think that would be very significant info…
I think the key here is getting clarification the RSVP – did she just ignore the RSVP? Did she RSVP no? Did she contact the friend and RSVP a tentative maybe type thing?
Her words indicate that she didn’t RSVP at all, so that’s what I personally went with. If she did give her a tentative and then confirmed two weeks prior, that would be different. Still a little irritating, but much more understandable.
In either case, I still wouldn’t try to go without at least calling the bride and asking if it was o.k. – not email, CALL.
I think most of us assumed she did not explain anything to the bride after the RSVP. There was no mention of work related conflict or money problems so what excuse could she give? I just can’t see the bride giving her such a glib response if she had given her a valid reason. Also she didn’t even call with the change of plans, she emailed.
I think the same way you all are saying we can’t judge the LW based on what may or may not be in this short letter we cant judge the bride based on the same logic. Maybe this isn’t the first time the LW has bailed on an important event or done something inconsiderate of the bride’s time. Maybe the bride called to confirm the Non-RSVP and the LW assured her she wouldn’t be going 6 weeks ago only to change her mind. We can make up any theory to support whatever side we agree with but honestly all we have is the straight facts in the LWs own words that she sent to Wendy and that’s what our responses should be based on – not what ifs….
And did she email by saying, “Becky, I just found out that we would be able to make it to your wedding after all and we would be so delighted to attend; I am so sorry that I didn’t get to you sooner.” Or did she email with “Guess who’s coming to your wedding? This gal!”
she wants to spend time with other wedding guests. not the bride and groom!
it’s too late to go.. honestly. it would just be done in bad taste now.
she should have told the bride that she wasn’t sure if she could go and maybe then the bride would have been able to accomodate.. but two weeks before? ridiculous.
I think if this was about not being sure whether she could afford it or get time off, she would have been in touch with the bride and told her, “I really want to come but I’m not sure yet if I can, please hold my seat until I get things figured out.”
This letter makes it sound like she just said nothing at all. It sounds like she didn’t want to be bothered to make plans and a commitment in advance. It sounds like, now that she’s figured this is convenient for her, then yes she’ll go after all.
I don’t want to be mean and judge the LW, but just the way her letter was written makes her sound very selfish and inconsiderate.
People, if you are unsure if you can get time off or if you have the money to go, communicate that! Don’t just stay silent and figure you can get your way after the deadline has passed.
Wow! People can be so harsh and judgmental on this forum! I think what people don’t realize is that there’s usually a lot more to the situation that the explained 3-4 lines in the original letter. So, I don’t think extreme judgmental calls like “You’re self-absorbed” are really called for. I agree with you RJKUSER. While I don’t think that the LW should crash the wedding, sometimes it’s hard to get time off way in advance. LW doesn’t talk about what her profession is, but I have friends who are in certain professions where they don’t know what their vacation scheduled will be like in advance.
If I were the bride, yes, I may be a little annoyed that a friend changed her mind last minute, but if it were a REALLY great friend, I would have accommodated her. Despite giving a final head count, most venues actually do plan for several last minute guests.
Yes, but the real problem is that she didn’t change her mind, she just plain didn’t RSVP at all. Personally, I probably would have tried to accommodate her (well, more like designate someone to make all the phone calls necessary to accommodate her), but the bride was well within her rights to say no. Since she’s said no, it would be bad form for her to show up at the resort anyway.
The only other option I can see is for the LW to call the bride back, apologize for the lateness and ask if it would be alright to come to the resort and spend time with her without attending the events… AND bring a sweet gift.
And I agree that sometimes it is hard to work out work arrangements. I know that I requested a day off months in advance, was told yes, then told that it had changed to a maybe, and then it was altogether no.
And it would be no problem if she had informed the bride of that. But she didn’t. She didn’t say anything at all.
I guess I’m just of the mindset that if you want to receive, you first have to give. And it sounds like the LW hasn’t given any help, consideration, timeliness, manners, etc, and yet expects to receive a gracious response.
I think if the bride said no to that request, its pretty safe to assume that the LW is not a close friend. This is why I think she needs to re-examine that friendship. I’m not saying she should cut ties with the bride, but she needs to stop calling her a “close friend.”
Also, it would definitely be awkward if she went, which is why I don’t think she should go. LW knows that bride and co will be there and will have a vacation but just casually bump into them? You already aren’t “close”friends, don’t ruin it.
Exactly. And the LW said she’s not planning to crash the wedding, she just wants to be at the resort! I don’t think being at the resort will ruin the wedding.
If I were getting married and my good friend only knew last minute that she could come, I would be thrilled to have her there, even if it would have been more convenient if she had RSVP’d on time.
Wendy already covered this.
Imagine what the mutual friends will think about it – the LW took the time and spent the money to come here, and the bride’s not inviting them to the wedding? How rude! Of course, the bride will then have to say that the LW was rude first, by not RSVPing by the deadline. No bride wants to do that on her wedding day, really!
LW, now is the time to show you are a true friend, by not going to the wedding.
It looks like the LW decided to go to the wedding because it’s convenient for her, eventually. That’s not what close friends do. If my friend is getting married, and I want to be there, then I’m going, not matter what. And I definitely don’t wait two weeks before the wedding to make plans.
Exactly I think this is a manipulative plan to say the least. The LW will spend he “vacation” calling and texting the mutual friends asking them to ditch certain wedding related events to hang out with her or having them ask the bride if she can participate. Then the bride will basically be forced to just invite them to everything (except maybe the actual wedding) just so that everyone gets off her back with the “what about so-and-so (the LW) can she come too? How annoying!
You’re clearly self absorbed. But I’m not going to go so far as to say you should bow down to your friend(s) just because it’s “their special day.” This situation is not wedding-specific. Here’s my take:
Look. How I read your whole ‘not sure if you’re going ‘ crap is that you tried to BBD (BiggerBetterDeal) your friend. You waited till the last minute to see if there was something funner you could do. That’s just shitty.
Based on your account of how this all played out, my guess is the friend sensed this already, which is why your ‘good friend’ defaulted to an assumed no and never even tried to call you about the lack of RSVP. I’m not a vindictive person, but if I were her I probably would have gotten a little bit of delight in shooting you down. Does that help clarify why you’ll look riDONKulous if you just show the heck up?
You reap what you sow.
I’m sorry, but I get such a frenemy mean girl vibe from this letter. Going to the hotel with the intention of hanging out with friends and most definitely taking them away from the festivities just seems like a way to get back at the bride for (justifiably) telling LW that she couldn’t go.
Of course the answer is she shouldn’t do this, the only reason I can even think she would do this is to punish the bride. Btw, two weeks before the wedding, you don’t TELL the bride you’re going to her wedding, you ASK her. To be honest, even asking is rude because you know it will require a lot of added stress for the bride to make allowances for two more guests. Go get your own vacation and gain some perspective!
I agree. I would think with destination weddings that the small amount of people traveling to be with the bride and groom will be spending time with the couple in the days leading up to the wedding, not just the wedding day. I do think the LW would be taking attention away from the marrying couple the whole time they are there.
“I’m sorry, but I get such a frenemy mean girl vibe from this letter.”
We have a winner.
If I were this bride, I probably wouldn’t care if you came and hung out at the resort (as long as you didn’t crash the actual wedding).
However, it was very rude for you to not RSVP and then–only TWO WEEKS, which is like a millisecond in Bride Land–ask to attend. What’s more, if you really wanted to go to the wedding in order to share in the bride and groom’s special day, you would have started making plans when you got the invite. Instead, you just decided to go because you needed a vacation, not because you care so much about the couple getting married.
Most importantly, the bride said no. Please respect her wishes.
One more thing: To anyone reading this, PLEASE RSVP in a timely manner!!! It makes a world of difference to your host and/or hostess.
YES, exactly: “you just decided to go because you needed a vacation, not because you care so much about the couple getting married.”
Why does everyone think she should buy a gift for the couple? She was disinvited (for good reason, but disinvited nonetheless).
Giving a gift is about celebrating someone’s milestone. It’s about saying congrats, I’m happy for you, I hope this token can help you on your way. ESPECIALLY if this is a “close friend”.
You don’t give something just to score an invite to a wedding, and then decide NOT to give something because you rudely didn’t RSVP and the bride was no longer able to accommodate you…
You do it because you are happy for someone.
LW should send a gift and a nice note because her friend is getting married. Gifts are not payment for attending a wedding, they are sent to help the couple celebrate. It’s not a quid pro quo deal.
And LW was NOT “disinvited”, she completely failed to RSVP. It’s her own dang fault. She needs to grow up, send a gift and next time they meet she should think about apologizing for any stress she created.
She wasn’t disinvited. She declined the invitation and then tried to inconvenience the bride by undeclining just so she can spend time with other friends on the bride and grooms time and dime! She should send a gift b/c that is what you do when a good friend gets married whether or not you can attend the wedding. Her not going to the wedding is based o her actions and has nothing to do with the bride who gave her ample time to make arrangements to be there if that was what she really wanted to do.
Most people who receive invitations and don’t go send a gift. The gift is basically saying, ‘thank you for inviting me to share this memory with you and here’s my blessing by way of a toaster.’ Whether you go or not, the gift is meant to celebrate the couple’s new life together. In fact, when people don’t go, they generally send a gift as a means of saying, ‘I’m sorry I can’t go, but I do in fact support you!’
She is, of course, not obligated to send one in any case, as gifts are just thoughtful touches and not obligations.
I completely agree with you. I thought this was one of the most basic rules about weddings and that it was just common sense, until I got married. I was amazed at the amount of people who declined to come to my wedding and just checked the “No” box and that was the last I heard from them. I’ve had friends invite me through facebook to informal receptions once they return from a destination and I still AT MINIMUM send a card if I can’t attend.
If she is a good friend, she needs to give them a tangible token of congratulations (even if it’s just a card).
I actually got my best stuff from people that didn’t come to my wedding! Go figure.
Thanks for the replies. I wasn’t trying to argue that she shouldn’t have to send a gift, I just wanted to know what the reasoning was. Most etiquette columnists seem to think that a person is not obligated to send a gift if they do not attend the wedding. Her actions show the LW obviously doesn’t consider this friend all that close, despite her words.
Definitely not obligated, just a nice thing to do! Even just sending a card would be enough.
Because she’s asking to go to a wedding. The bride was clearly miffed when she said no, so the only thing to do now, save for crashing the wedding, is send a gift and her regards.
After her rude behavior, a gift would be nice a gesture to say, “I’m so excited for you! Best wishes!”
And like everybody else here said, she wasn’t disinvited, she said “no” by not RSVP’ing.
Although, I might add, a gift is never required for a wedding. But it would be a nice way for her to smooth things over with the bride.
I get the sense that the LW wants to go because it’s now become convenient. I can reunite with all of my other friends while getting a week vacation to lounge in the tropics? Fantastic!
Going to a “close friend’s” wedding apparently takes a back seat to all of the other positives for the LW.
If all you really want is a vacation and to see some friends, go somewhere else tropical and have a bon voyage party beforehand. That way you will get all that you wanted on this trip, while making sure to not step on anyone’s toes.
I disagree. The bride in question is being a bridezilla. She was mean to reply in the manner that she did. What kind of friend does that? The first thing I would do is go to the resort like any other guest that has the right to be there. The next thing I’d do is ignore her. Let her explain her rudeness to her friends. It serves her right!!
If you end up deciding not to go, don’t send a gift. Save your money for someone who deserves it. Giving her a gift is like thanking her for being a rude biaach and inviting her to do it again. Hell no.
Most importantly, never talk to her again unless she apologizes.
You’ve got to be joking here. Was this sarcasm?
GUEST status does not equal ‘a right to be there.’
The bride had the right to expect a timely RSVP.
I’m sorry but if you showed up and then she told her friends you never RSVPd (or communicated anything at all as it appears from the letter) and then just showed up they would not side with the friend. At least I wouldn’t. What’s the point of a RSVP if people can just ignore it until the last minute? This isn’t a get together at a house it’s an event that the bride and groom have been planning and paying for for months. There is a big difference. And while I get that if you were truly close friends the bride would have said yes, I would also think that if you were really close friends you might have talked about the wedding and your uncertainty at attending prior to two weeks before the event. It’s would be so not classy to just show up.
Lots of typos oops!
I think she means as a guest of the hotel, not as a guest of the wedding.
you don’t have a right to be at an event that someone else is paying for. Especially if you told them you would not be able to come. Changing your mind is not a valid excuse to just show up at someone else’s event. Planes, trains and cars leave everyday without passengers that were supposed to be there b/c you can’t expect everyone else to sit around waiting on you. She RSVPd no to the bride and her seat was either given to someone else or not paid for at all. What is so bridezilla about you snooze you lose? That’s how the world works. And believe me if the bride explained how she got an email at the last minute demanding accommodation I bet the other guests would completely understand why the LW was left out.
This has got to be a sarcastic reply…I hope.
I don’t see how she’s a bridezilla. She would have had to make a lot of changes in arrangements with all the various companies involved (if they would even let her at this point) and pay a lot more. Not bending over backwards to accommodate a friend who didn’t have the courtesy to RSVP is not being a bridezilla. The LW is the one who wasn’t planning on going to the wedding in the first place, what right has she to be so upset that she isn’t going to be able to go now?
Yikes, lady. The way the letter is written doesn’t really portray you in the best light, hence why people are all up in arms.
It seems like there’s a bit of a debate on whether or not the bride was in the right, but regardless, you didn’t handle this situation quite as well as you could have. At this point, the only way you can resolve this situation with any amount of grace is to not go and find somewhere else to vacation. And I think that in the future, a phone call letting the bride know what’s going on as to why you haven’t RSVPed yet will really make a world of difference.
Hey, does anybody get the feeling that someone just went through all our replies and gave arbitrary thumbs down? I’m thinking perhaps the LW didn’t like our calling her out on the selfishness…. hmmm.
I was thinking that too…
I just posted something similar to this! LOL! Sorry I didn’t read your comment!
Yeah, I noticed that too. Some of these comments really do not deserve thumbs down!
While there is no law that says she cannot go to the resort as a guest while her friend is having a wedding weekend there, it would be rude in the sense that she wants to hang out with friends attending the wedding. I think this would make the friends feel awkward having to choose between hanging out with her and hanging out with the bride and the wedding activities. I’m sure there will be times the friends do not have activities and could possibly hang out with her but wouldn’t it feel weird if they all got up and said, “We have to go to the rehearsal dinner. See you later.” Let the bride have her wedding time at this resort and find another resort to go to. Have fun with your husband on your vacation. Everyone else already planned on going there specifically for this wedding and not as a casual vacation with friends.
“The reason we want to go is because there will be other friends of ours attending and it would just be fun to hang out.”
What the hell? You just basically proved in this last statement that you are not going for her wedding to support her on that day, but to hang out with mutual friends who would actually be there for her wedding. If I was this bride you’d definitely be getting the stink eye. You know. That, “Bitch if i wasn’t in this wedding dress I’d put the smack down on you,” look.
LOL, I wouldn’t care if I was in my dress or not. The “smack down” would most definatly happen! 🙂
Good catch!!
A few choice words that best describe the letter writer and the surprising number of people who agree with her preposterous suggestion of crashing the wedding because it now seems convenient would be: RUDE. OBNOXIOUS. SELF ABSORBED. VENGEFUL. PETTY. DRAMA-QUEEN. BITCHY. Oh, and just plain TACKY! You know who else “could use a vacation right now,” LW? The Bride! As she most especially needs a vacation from YOU!
bitter gay mark, I don’t always agree with your comments, but I always find them amusing.
In this case, however, I do agree.
Clearly it would be rude of the LW to attend at this point. Jeez how awkward, to just be wandering around the resort in the background of the wedding like some unwelcome ghost, possibly even monopolizing the other guests’ time. I can’t imagine the type of person that would even feel comfortable doing that. LW, you RSVP’d no, you tried to change your RSVP last minute and the bride couldn’t accommodate you. That’s your answer. It’s over. Bow out with your tail between your legs and try and learn your lesson for next time about RSVPing in a timely and more polite manner.
Holy crap. Yet another letter that reinforces my desire to elope.
Almost every post has a thumbs down. I am guessing that it is the LW and she doesnt like the advice everyone is giving her. If that is the case, she shouldn’t have been so selfish sounding in her letter, and maybe people wouldn’t be looking at her as a user of her friends wedding so her and her husband can take a vacation. And just to point out, she is using the friends’ wedding to take a vacation, not to be there to support the bride and groom on their big day. So thumb down if you want to, but this is just obvious.
There are a lot of thumbs down in this thread that are real head-scratchers indeed.
She says the reasons she wants to go are because she and her husband could use a vacation, and because mutual friends with the bride will be there. That doesn’t sound like a genuine realization that it is important to be there for her friend.
I hate to do this, but it made me laugh so hard I spit my chicken fried rice out onto my monitor….
“Oh, and don’t forget to send a thoughtful gift to the bride a groom!”
If you add a comma in just the right place…”Oh, and don’t forget to send a thoughtful gift to the bride, a groom!”
*snicker* But yes, I know what you meant 🙂
The comment was not sarcasm. I just don’t like the way the “friend” reacted to the LW. It was rude & uncalled for even if she did RSVP late.
Maybe she should vacation elsewhere after all, only so that she won’t have her own vacation ruined by Ms. Bridezilla. But yes, she does have a right, as a guest of the hotel/resort to go there if she wants to.
But I still say, no matter what, do not send a card or gift. I mean, really, why not just bend over & beg her to kick you in the pants again?? Not! You have your pride. Say nothing to her & if she asks why the silence, tell her your feelings are hurt by the way she reacted.
I think we may have found the LW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And the thumbs-downer.
@sarita_f haha I agree I bet you anything it’s the LW and she’s just being pissy now 😛
I was on the fence until this person posted twice. :O It’s okay to say you’re the LW! We have no secrets here.
In other words, don’t pull a Scott Adams. It cannot end well. http://gawker.com/#!5792583/dilbert-creator-pretends-to-be-his-own-biggest-fan-on-message-boards
From the letter, it doesn’t sound like she even RSVP’ed at all! That is a clear violation of etiquette, especially if it’s the wedding of what she says is a CLOSE friend. I don’t know about you, but “close” to me basically means “best friend” and if it was my best friend’s wedding you bet I would be trying like hell to go! I would RSVP right away! I think the bride has more right for her feelings to be hurt than the LW’s.
It is the bride and groom’s day. It is NOT Bridezilla of her to not want to change her plans, especially two weeks before the wedding. She has enough to think about already. If the LW really cared, she would not go to the resort and instead offer to do something nice for her friend when she gets back from her honeymoon, like a spa day or something.
And she should definitely at least send something to the bride. I would send something to my friend who was getting married, even if I didn’t get to go to her wedding. Not sending at least a card just makes the LW a major brat who can’t accept the consequences of her actions. She seems very entitled to me and oblivious to how other people might feel.
But hey, who knows? Maybe there is a story behind all of this that makes the bride a HUGE bitch and the LW a perfect angel. But if there is, we don’t know what the story is, and instead the LW comes off as the bitch instead. So, LW, please enlighten us if you are lurking on here somewhere.
Well I do draw the line between best friend and close friend. Best friend is the girl standing next to you holding your bouquet. Close friend are the people who aren’t actually in your wedding but that you really want there to share your important milestone (not because they’ll buy you a good blender or something.) And then friends/aquaintances are all the people you like enough to invite/feed dinner for a night, but you wouldn’t bend over backwards to accommodate them, nor would you be particularly perturbed if they didn’t come. And then below that are bitches who don’t even RSVP and then bother you TWO WEEKS before your destination wedding to tell you they’re coming after all because they could use a vacation. To them you say Fuck you, and move on with your day.
You don’t inform someone 2 weeks before a wedding after YOU rsvp’d late that you are coming to their wedding, you ask nicely. Also why if they are ‘friends’ have they not spoken about the wedding before now? Why would the LW not talk to her ‘friend’ about it prior to 2 weeks before the event? You are obviously not ‘friends’ if you got an invite and let it sit on your counter until you decided that it would be nice to take a trip after all. Why didn’t the LW mention once in her letter that she decided that being their to see her ‘friend’ get married was worth taking the time off of work after all. Isn’t that what being a ‘friend’ is about?
oops used wrong their, i hate when i do that!
You wouldn’t be going to the wedding, just the hotel. I say go. The guests that are there don’t need to spend every single minute with the bride. Yes, the wedding may be the reason that they’re there, but they probably have other plans made to do things without the bride and that would be the perfect time to hang out with them. Depending on how big the hotel is, you may not even see the bride, and if you do, explain why you and you’re family are there: that you need a vacation and you liked the way she praised the hotel and the area. I say go and have fun.
I think the key thing is what Wendy said: “If you have any interest in remaining friends with the bride in question, I definitely would not crash her wedding.”
This LW certainly has the right to go vacation at the resort, in the sense that she has the legal right and stuff; just like there will be other vacationers there who don’t even know the happy couple. But if she goes, it will undoubtedly jeapordize her friendship with the bride, for all the reasons Wendy mentioned. Even if you don’t run into them, they will definitely hear from their other friends that you were there. And how could they possibly take that as anything other than “I’m going to go anyway and make the bride and groom feel guilty about declining my last minute request”? Because that’s exactly how it would play out. And the LW knows that. That’s the whole reason she wrote in for advice – if she didn’t sense there was something rude about going, she would have just booked it anyway.
having helped plan my sister’s destination wedding, i have to say that GOOD GAZOOKS you must be mad (and as other people have pointed out, incredibly selfish). this isn’t just some house party that may not be affected by one other person. the bride and groom (and their families) have spent ages planning their wedding. by the LW’s tone, even if there was room to squeeze in one more person, i certainly wouldn’t bust my rear and spend more money to accommodate someone to whom i mattered so little. there was NO rsvp, not even an email to say “wish i could, sorry.” this isn’t about “getting a vacation,” it’s about celebrating the love and marriage of a friend, which if you couldn’t be bothered to do before, you can certainly wait now.
If you want all the other guests and the couple to think you’re a colossal asshole, you certainly CAN go to the wedding. It’s a free country. But you really, really shouldn’t. There’s no scenario in which that makes you look like anything but an inconsiderate, rude, self absorbed jerk.